


T.O.P's Boyfriend

by guster02



Series: TOPSU [1]
Category: Big Bang (Band), JYJ (Band)
Genre: Angst and Humor, Canon Compliant, Denial of Feelings, Developing Relationship, Eventual Smut, Gay crisis, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Self-Acceptance, Self-Hatred, Slow Burn, but not for a really long time, probably
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-09
Updated: 2017-10-02
Packaged: 2018-06-07 07:05:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 58
Words: 204,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6792421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/guster02/pseuds/guster02
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes it's best not to meet your celebrity crushes. Unfortunately, Junsu learned that the hard way after his first meeting with T.O.P goes horribly, horribly wrong. So wrong he may just tear up that T.O.P fanclub card. (But probably not.) What Junsu doesn't know is that T.O.P is now looking for him to ask a favor Junsu is unable to refuse.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. See What's Good For You

**Author's Note:**

> First attempt at a fanfic! Decided on the Junsu/T.O.P pairing NO ONE was asking for. At the start, Seung Hyun is, admittedly, an ass, but Junsu should take care of that. I made a little comic panel to go along with my story and you can check it out at [my tumblr](http://fanficjjigae.tumblr.com/post/139372117807/tops-boyfriend-introduction).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a heads up, Seung Hyun says something in this chapter which could be considered under the internalized homophobia tag. However, looking at the story as a whole, I'm not sure the tag fits so I've left it off, but I just wanted to let people know before going in.

Chapter 1

Seung Hyun tossed his pencil down on the mixing table in frustration at the knock at the door. “I told you I’m not going!” he snapped out, expecting his manager’s shiny, bald head to peek through the door.

He felt bad, knowing he shouldn't be venting his frustrations on the poor man, as it wasn’t Wooshik’s fault his talent had left him. Wasn’t his fault the words, the sound, which usually circled his thoughts was gone. Wasn’t his fault that the band was already way behind in producing their latest album and Seung Hyun just couldn't get his part written, let alone laid down. His lack of inspiration was at first irksome, and then worrying, and at this moment, was moving into panic.

Ji Yong was getting antsy, making noises about ‘helping,’ which was the last thing that Seung Hyun wanted. This was his thing, and if he couldn’t cut it anymore…

Well, he wasn’t sure what he’d do.

The knock sounded at the door again, and this time the door swung open, but instead of Wooshik, Yang Hyun Suk, the label director, stepped in. Seung Hyun jumped up from his chair and bowed deeply. He caught sight of Wooshik’s worried face over Yang Hyun Suk’s – yeah, even clueless Wooshik knew this was not good news.

Yang Hyun Suk meandered over to the board, running his fingers lightly over the buttons and knobs — and Seung Hyun gulped hard.

“How is it going Seung Hyun-ah?”

“I… I’m working hard.”

“We all know that.”

His boss’s boss’s boss gave him a kind smile, one Seung Hyun was sure he didn’t deserve and made him feel even more angry at himself.

“But we also know you’re struggling, and time is running out. We can’t push back this record any longer without alienating more of the fans.”

Now Seung Hyun felt lower than low. Not only was he messing up everyone else, wasting time and money, he was letting down the fans. He gave a bow. “I promise, I will get this done, I won’t let anyone down, sir.”

Yang Hyun Suk nodded and started to leave. His hand on the door, he turned back. “Aren’t you going to be late for the show?”

Seung Hyun groaned. A night at a musical theater charity benefit performance is not what he needed right now. “I need to stay here and get this done.”

“I think a night at a musical theatre charity benefit is exactly what you need right now.”

He blinked at the almost exact words from his brain. “Why?”

Gesturing to the room, Yang Hyun said, “You need to get out of here. You’ve been here for days. A night away, a change of venue will do you you good.” He smiled. “Go on, go enjoy some music, pretend to be normal for a while, get yourself reacquainted with life outside this room. And it’s a good cause.”

“But musical theater?” Seung Hyun groaned. He loved music, but musical theater was just not his idea of a fun night off. And if he was being forced to leave, he’d much rather to go a club in Hongdae with some slick DJ.

“I bought tickets for the whole company. You’re going. Consider it an order. And for god’s sake, take a shower.”

With that, his boss swept out the door, and when the door shut firmly behind him, Seung Hyun collapsed back in his chair in frustration. Musical theater? What a fucking waste.

**********

Two hours later, Seung Hyun’s mood had, if possible, dropped further. But at least now he was showered and in fresh clothing. Sitting in the back of the nanny van, his sunglasses were serving two purposes, alerting those around him he was in no mood to chat, and blocking any light from the nice little headache he felt gaining momentum behind his eyes.

“T.O.P-shi? We’ve arrived at the red carpet.”

Seung Hyun slowly opened one eye, as, now that he’d had a moment to close his eyes, he’d realized just how long it had been since he’d slept. One? Two days? Almost a week since he’d gotten anywhere near an actual bed. Bed. Lying down flat. Not scrunched into a ball trying to fit his long frame onto the couch in the studio. Fuck it. This night was already a loss, maybe he’d completely burn it by going home to sleep after this. Glancing out the window, he groaned at the spectacle that was the red carpet. From inside the car, he could hear the shouting of questions, the screams of fans, and the flashing of what seemed like thousands of camera flashes.

He clenched his teeth as the pounding in his head went from single snare drum to a full percussion set. “Wooshik, hand me a pain reliever and some water.”

There were at least four cars ahead of him, waiting their turns to dump out the young and famous, so he knew he had at least ten minutes before he had to be _on_. Ten minutes was enough time to… do shit. There was nothing he could do except perhaps tell Wooshik to turn the car around — and if the directive hadn’t come directly from Yang Hyun, he would have.

"You okay?"

Seung Hyun just made a noise and a quick bow of his head, not trusting himself to speak. He downed half the bottle of water and some aspirin as his car rolled up to the front of the line, and with a big sigh, he gritted his teeth, put on his T.O.P ‘on’ face and climbed out of the van.

The fans roared around him, and he struggled to keep his smile in place, struggled not to wince as he made his way up the red carpet. "Almost done," he chanted to himself. "Almost home."

**********

As the house lights turned on, announcing intermission, Seung Hyun slipped his sunglasses back in place. His mood still dark, he stood abruptly, startling his bandmates, who sat around him. It wasn't often they all found themselves in the same place at the same time, and while they weren't super close, he usually enjoyed it when schedules allowed them the chance to hang out. Now though? It pricked at his conscience. Almost as if they knew that he knew he was the one messing everything up. His rational mind knew all he had to do was ask for help and they'd be there for him, but tonight his irrational mind was firmly in place.

"I… ah… have to use the bathroom," he mumbled in explanation. Ji Yong nodded and pulled out his phone.

"Is that why you couldn't sit still through this whole thing?" Seungri teased, poking at him.

"Um. Yeah." Or at least that was a better explanation than him being pissed off and wanting to leave.

Daesung smiled his usual bright smile and jumped out of his seat. "The lines are going to be massive, Hyung. I once did a show here, so I'll come with you to show you where there's a hidden bathroom."

Upside? The idea of avoiding making pleasantries with the crowds of people was good. Downside? He didn't really want any one-on-one time with any of his bandmates — especially Daesung, who he'd always had a hard time keeping anything from. He'd rather take off his shirt and do few belly rolls than have a heart-to-heart about his darkest fears in the men’s bathroom at a charity function.

But such niceness could not be avoided.

Daesung weaved them through the crowd with minimal fuss, and greeting a security guard sitting at a door like he was a long lost brother, got them access to the backstage.

Ducking into a men’s room tucked in a darkened, narrow hallway, they both went about their business, Daesung blessedly stopping his chatter momentarily.

At the sink, Daesung turned to him, a concerned look on his face and Seung Hyun braced himself — damn it he knew this was coming. Couldn’t he get a fucking break for once? "What's going on with you?"

Seung Hyun attempted to brush off the question and grabbed a paper towel to dry his hands, hoping to get back to the crowds as soon as possible. He’d changed his mind. Mindless fake conversations were definitely preferable to this. "Nothing, I just really don't want to be here."

"No, not tonight." Daesung looked at him in his irritatingly perceptive Daesung way. "In general. Are you okay?"

“I’m telling you I’m fine, I just can’t believe we’ve been forced to come here.” He could feel his temper beginning to bubble, and he tossed the used towel in the trash and turned, trying to leave before he ended up saying something he regretted. But Daesung grabbed his arm and turned Seung Hyun back towards him.

“Look, I know you’re struggling right now. Is there something we can do for you? Can Ji Yong help?”

He could physically feel his frayed temper snap into bits. "Leave it alone, Daesung. I told you guys I don’t want to be here. I told the boss I didn’t want to be here. And yet here I am wasting my time on musical theater instead of where I should be, fucking working on getting this album done. Musical theater is just so irrelevant. Bunch of people dancing around in tights, singing about love, pretending they're not all super fucking gay and wouldn't jump the first man who crossed their path."

Damn it! What was wrong with him? He regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth. See? If everyone had just left him alone, he wouldn't be here, pissed off, spouting off at the mouth, saying things he didn't mean. It was a bad habit he had that came out whenever he was pushed like this and was just another thing he had to feel guilty about. Frustrated, he ran his finger through his hair, messing the sculpted style his hairdresser had carefully crafted for him.  

Daesung jaw dropped, shocked. "That's it. Seung Hyun-hyung, you are not okay. Please, please tell me what is wrong so I can help you."

Anger still simmering, he was surprised with the tears which had sprung to his eyes — he was fucking crying now? He swallowed hard, shook his head, and stormed out of the room.

Where he instantly plowed headlong into someone standing directly outside the door, with enough force to to bang them both into the other side of the narrow hallway.

**********

The man smelled like oranges.

It was the first thing that Seung Hyun registered — the warm, tangy scent of oranges. Seung Hyun breathed in the scent before taking in the rest of him.

The man seemed familiar, with a rounded but narrow face, full lips, pale skin, and bright blond hair, which was sculpted into a faux-hawk at the top of his head. The solid length of whoever it was he was now leaning against was warm and firm against him.

There was part of Seung Hyun that knew he should know who this man was was. He was familiar, yet not, but he just couldn't place him — which was weird considering their faces were a mere inches apart — so he had a pretty fucking good view.

Whoever he was, from the angry set of his face, he was not happy.

"I'm so sorry," Seung Hyun said. "Are you okay?" He could feel the rise and fall of the man's chest against his own. Could swore he felt the race of his heart, which was when he realized he'd been leaning against him all this time, like an idiot, like he’d taken up residence there, and jumped back, looking over him for injury.

From the the man's outfit and makeup, Seung Hyun guessed he was one of the night’s performers. His legs were encased in a pair of leather pants, which clung tightly, and a voluminous white silk top, with piles of ruffles, was unbuttoned to reveal a white, sculpted chest.

Seung Hyun's heart gave a thud, and he shook his head to clear it.

As the man's full lips pursed and he continued to just glare at Seung Hyun, his own temper reappeared. It was an accident. Why was this guy so pissed? He hadn’t meant to bump into him, then to… linger there, and it's not like he hadn’t said he was sorry.

Realizing he didn’t know who this person was, and couldn’t trust him not to run to _Dispatch_ with details of this… run in, Seung Hyun bit back his tongue and tried to hold back his irritation. Taking a breath, he pasted on the usual T.O.P ‘on’ smile. A smile which usually went pretty far in getting him out of whatever scrapes his temper had gotten him into. "Again, I'm so very sorry."

The man narrowed his eyes and cocked his head, stepping closer to Seung Hyun, until their chests touched again. Lifting his hand, he ran a finger softly down Seung Hyun's cheek, making him jump back in surprise, until his own back pressed against the opposite wall of the narrow hallway — where the man followed him, closer, until again, their bodies touched.  

"That's okay." The man's voice was low and melodious. "You know, because I'm super gay and just looking for the first guy to cross my path." He edged his face closer until Seung Hyun could feel his warm breath on his cheek. "Lucky for me, it looks like that's you."

Seung Hyun was frozen, unable to move an inch, a millimeter, as the man moved slowly closer until he could feel soft lips gently hover just over his own. Seung Hyun waited for their lips to touch, waited for that moment he knew was coming.

Suddenly pain exploded on his forehead, and the man stepped back.

"What the hell? Did you just flick me?" Seung Hyun demanded as he rubbed the sore spot.

The man smiled sweetly at him, the anger which had been there just a moment ago completely gone, as if it had never been there at all. "Maybe next time you'll think twice about being such a jerk, T.O.P-shi. At least in public places where anyone can overhear you. Your fans will be disappointed if they find out you’re actually an asshole."

The lights flickered, signaling the end of the intermission. "I've gotta go, I'm almost up. You'd best get back to your seat; I'm sure you don't want to miss a single minute of the rest of the night."

With that, the man turned on his heel and strutted away. Seung Hyun stood glued to the spot and could do nothing but watch him go.

**********

Seung Hyun made his way back to his seat just in time for the darkening of the hall. He was glad he didn't have to speak to the rest of the band as his mind was whirling from the encounter.

He swore at himself for not only having been caught saying something so horrible, but the thought that whoever it was would think he actually believed that, made him hate himself harder. He wasn’t that guy. He wasn't _that much_ of an asshole — but it's not like that guy would have any reason to believe otherwise.

The rest of the night flew by with Seung Hyun stuck firmly in his own head.

He attempted to keep an eye out for the odd blond man, but as of yet there had been no sign of him. Seung Hyun started as a thought jumped into his head — had he been hurt in some way when they'd collided? He'd seemed okay when he'd walked away, but who knew? He tried to look at the program, to see if he recognized anyone, but it’s not like anyone there was billed as attractive man in hallway.

The curtain opened again, and the scene was a gothic bed chamber. Standing in front of some voluminous white curtains there was a woman dressed in an elaborate white nightgown. The music began to swell, and suddenly Seung Hyun could see the outline of a man standing behind the curtain as they moved gently in some sort of manufactured breeze. A strong rich voice began to sing out and shivers crept along the back of Seung Hyun's neck.

This was him! That man.

Seung Hyun inched forward in his scene and leaned closer. The breeze at the curtains blew a little stronger, finally revealing glimpses of him. From their time in hallway, he'd buttoned up the shirt with all the ruffles and added a heavy, leather, floor length dress coat to the costume.  Suddenly, the music got louder, the curtains parted, and he strode onto the stage as if he owned it.

The traces of his headache slipping away, Seung Hyun could not take his eyes from the stage, from the man, as he began his seduction of the woman on stage with him — seduction was all it could be, with his enticing movements, the beguiling tone of his voice as he belted out the lyrics, his lazy stroking of her skin, and as their lips met in a passionate kiss, Seung Hyun for a moment was brought back to that moment in the darkened hallway, with that man's lips almost touching his, and he felt his heart begin to thump harder and his skin began to heat.

Whoever he was, he was magnetic, slipping seamlessly into his character, and his voice was a marvel.

The pair on the stage—the man having lost the overcoat, and his chest, once again bared, skin pearly white in the bright lights—landed on the bed, and with that the lights on the stage went dark and the curtain fell to the stage.

Seung Hyun gasped in air as he'd realized he'd been holding his breath for quite some time now. The spell broken, he jumped to his feet with the rest of the crowd clapping his hands until his hands stung.

Daesung leaned in. "Did you like that?" he asked excited. “Wasn’t he great?”

"Who was that?" Seung Hyun breathed, almost surprised his voice worked.

"Hyung. You didn't recognize him?"

Seung Hyun only managed to stare at the stage as the curtains opened again and the man and woman came out for a final bow.

"That's Junsu. From JYJ?"

Though he knew from his years of experience on the stage, that seeing anything beyond the stage lights was impossible, he felt like he could feel those eyes on him. And suddenly, he felt something let go deep inside him, and words, sound, music, once again began to seep into his head.

"Junsu."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mad props to my editor Cherry Cordial! Oh the comma messes I would have without you!


	2. Letting Go. Maybe.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nothing washes away the bitterness of a meet not-so-cute like a crowd of adoring fans and a surprise visit by your best friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now that we've had to deal with cranky Seung Hyun, let's check in with almost always sunshine and light, Junsu. Or a reward for making it through the first chapter!

Junsu bounded off the stage, the applause echoing behind him, and a huge grin on his face. No matter how many times he did this, no matter how tired he got, this part of his life never got old. It was better than a million shots of coffee. Or that disgusting Red Bull Jaejoong chugged all the time.

He passed the next performers and giving them a big hug, wished them luck and made his way through the backstage, bowing and giving all the workers he passed a well deserved ‘good job’. Enjoying his high, he gave a little wiggle and continue to dance his way to the dressing room.

Collapsing dramatically on the chair, Junsu studied himself in the brightly lit mirror and made a face at the pasty, white-faced version of himself. While he was sad that _Dracula_ was over, tonight reminded him how happy he was not to have to smear this gunk on his face night after night. His skin did not take kindly to that sort of abuse.

Making another face, he grabbed the cold cream and began the task of removing it.

The door to the room burst open, banging against the opposite wall, and Jaejoong and Yoochun tumbled into the room shouting “SURPRISE!” and slammed the door behind them. Shocked, Junsu jumped out of the chair and fell into their waiting arms, accepting their big hugs and back slaps.

“You guys said you couldn’t make it!” This wasn’t their first time tricking him, but with Jaejoong in the middle of live shoots for _Spy_ and Yoochun having a fan meet in China tomorrow, he’d believed them this time.

Okay. Every time.

Yoochun patted Junsu on his butt as they let go of each other. “You didn’t think we’d miss it did you? Miss out on the last chance to see Junsu trying to seduce a girl? What kind of friends do you take us for?”

Junsu froze and looked at the closed door behind them to make sure it was firmly shut. “Shut your faces, the doors here are really thin.” Through the high of his killer performance, he’d forgotten just how he’d come to know that, and he frowned as the sting of the encounter with T.O.P came back.

Yoochun made a face and mouthed, “Sorry.”

Wanting to keep his mood from his closest friends, he forced a smile on his face. “Idiot.”

Jaejoong pushed between them and gave his own pat to Junsu’s butt. “We’ve all cleared our schedules, and you have us for the whole night! We’re going to take you out for dinner, and then we’re all crashing at your house. Yoochun already bought the booze.”

This news was a close second to the feeling he got from the applause of the audience. He, Yoochun, and Jaejoong had been through a lot over the years, and they were closer to him than his own twin. Hell, they were the only non-cat people in the entire world who knew his secret. He truly loved these guys, and unfortunately, now that their careers had headed in different directions, it wasn’t often they got to meet up, let alone hang out.

Was he going to let a comment by a dumb asshat ruin his epic night? Even if that asshat was the same man he’d admired, had a total crush on for years? The only man he could picture marrying and having a big family of cats with? Basically the typical fangirl wet dream?

Probably not?

“So what do you want to eat?” Jaejoong asked, and Junsu forced himself to let go and get back in the moment.

“Meat!” all three men answered at once and laughed. Yep, he didn’t need any intolerant asses in his life, he had all the acceptance he needed right here.

**********

That night, in his villa, the boys piled in, dropping bags as they went. Junsu was most curious about a large package wrapped in gift paper and topped with a giant red bow, which had better be for him or he was kicking both of them out. Holding the last bag carefully, Yoochun began unpacking bottle after bottle onto the glass-topped coffee table.

Jaejoong scooped up Bakira as the siamese cat weaved his way around his legs. “Where is Xiahki?”

“He’s with my parents at Toscana. Dad thought Xiahki could use some time out of the city,” Junsu sighed. Only gone a week, and he already missed his dog so much, but his father was right, Junsu’s schedule was so crazy right now, it wasn’t fair to keep him stuck in the villa all the time with no one but a bunch of cats to keep him company. In Jeju he’d have the run of the property, walks on the beach, and lots of people to pay attention to him.

Almost sensing his owner’s sadness, Leo took that moment to attack Junsu’s foot. Laughing, Junsu collapsed on the floor, grabbed one of the toys which were always nearby, and began to play with the cat.

“Just how many cats is it that you have now?” Yoochun asked after he finished emptying the bag and sat on the couch, disturbing the sleep of yet another one of Junsu’s cats.

Not bothering to look up, Junsu laughed. “Still just the five.” He didn’t bother to mention his latest urge to adopt the stray he’d found lurking around the complex. He couldn’t help it. He just loved cats so much. They were friendly and loyal and just knew how to comfort you when you were down — or lonely. Because of them, he never minded going home to an empty house at night.

Giving the cat a kiss and getting a swipe to the face as a thank you, Junsu got up and began pulling side dishes from the refrigerator so they could get down to business.

A few hours later, peppy music playing on his sound system, they all sat around the coffee table, Yoochun and Jaejoong rounding the bend of slightly toasted to totally wasted. Well, he and Yoochun sat on the floor, Jaejoong lay draped on the coach behind their heads.  

It might be the food, heavy in his belly that, due to his upcoming album, was almost always hungry, it might be the time with these men whom he considered his brothers, but Junsu was happy and relaxed. More so than he’d been in a while. “I miss you guys.”

Jaejoong reached over and kissed his cheek — he was always a little skinshippy when he drank. “Miss you too, Duck Butt.” Throwing back his head and laughing, Junsu shoved him away. “And you can’t fool us, we know the minute you get a proper boyfriend you’ll forget all about us.”

Another reason why he loved these guys so much. He thought back to all those agonizing years hiding that part of him, afraid of what they’d say, what they’d think of him, and most of all, afraid of losing their friendship, and tears came to his eyes. He’d had no idea that when he’d finally done it, whispered to them on a night together just like this, that they would be so accepting. That they’d move on like it was no big deal — and to Yoochun and Jaejoong it hadn’t been. Junsu knew he still had to hold the secret tightly from everyone else, but no matter how hard it got he knew there were these men here who knew exactly who he was and loved him.

But getting a proper boyfriend? The chances were higher he’d run out onto the soccer pitch naked. The reminder of that made him slip for just a moment and his face fell.

“Awwww… don’t be sad, Duck Butt,” Jaejoong said as he swooped in for another kiss, which Junsu managed to avoid with a fast flick to the incoming forehead. Jaejoong howled in pain, scaring Leo, who had settled on the back of the couch. “You’d better be nicer to me Junsu or maybe we won’t give you the present we special ordered for you.”

Junsu’s thoughts flipped from his depressing love life to the giant elephant in the room — namely that shiny wrapped package in the corner he’d been eyeing the whole night. He jumped up from the floor, and stumbling over the coffee table, ran for the package with Jaejoong and Yoochun laughing at him from behind.

The package was about two feet tall and slightly squishy. “Can I open it? What is it? I’m so excited!”

“I just want it said, this was completely Jaejoong’s idea. He saw it in a catalog and decided we had to buy it for you — there was no talking him out of it.”

“I’m opening it!”

Wriggling in excitement, Junsu ripped off the bright blue bow and patted it in place on top of his head before starting in on the present itself. Within three seconds the wrapping was off and whatever it was was laid before him. “A man?” he asked. From the back he could see a pillow in the vague shape of a man wearing a blue suit with epaulettes on the squishy shoulders.

Jaejoong jumped up from the couch and snatched it away from him. “Not just any man!” With that, he swung it around and revealed it was a giant T.O.P-shaped pillow.

Junsu froze.

“I found it in one of those fangirl cafes! You just tell them what idol you want, and they’ll make up for you.”

Junsu still couldn’t say anything.

“You didn’t think we didn’t know about your little T.O.P obsession did you? Oh, we know all about the poster of his you have hidden in the back of your closet, you fangirl, you.”

Yoochun laughed. “Remember when “Doom Dada” came out and Junsu watched that video on a loop for like a week?”

Feeling weak in the knees, Junsu sank to the floor, staring at the scowling face of the T.O.P pillow.

“Junsu, what’s wrong?” Yoochun asked, concerned, rushing over to him. “You just went pale. Are you okay?”

“You don’t like it?” Jaejoong was crestfallen, but, try as he might, Junsu couldn’t even fake a smile for him.

“I… oh… nothing. It’s nice. Thanks.” He shoved Yoochun’s hand from where it rested on his forehead, probably looking for a temperature. “I’m fine, Yoochun.”

“You’re not fine, Junsu. What is it? Did something happen?” Yoochun was just too perceptive — he was the self appointed mother hen of all of them. Junsu realized he wasn’t going to be able to keep quiet for long.

“It’s just… I met him.”

“Met who?” Jaejoong asked.

Junsu waved his hand down to the T.O.P pillow. “Him. T.O.P” His ultimate crush. Or his former ultimate crush.

“When?” they both gasped. His dumb feelings for TOP weren’t a secret to Jaejoong and Yoochun, but then again, this group didn’t have many secrets at all.

“Tonight. Before the performance. He was in the bathroom. It didn’t go well.” Junsu took a deep breath and plastered a smile on his face. “Oh well, that’s why you should never actually meet your imaginary boyfriends, right? Imaginary boyfriends should always stay in your head. No good can come of meeting imaginary boyfriends.”

“Junsu, we’re not some reporter who is going to fall for the dumb, happy Junsu act. Spill,” Yoochun said as he firmly grabbed Junsu’s hand and rubbed it between his own.

Junsu let out a tearful laugh. “It’s nothing. I’m silly for acting this way. I just… he…,” he shuddered and spit out the whole story. By the end of it, Jaejoong was curled around him making the appropriate poor baby noises and Yoochun’s eyes had turned hard as ice. “See? It was nothing.” He brushed at the tears which kept lingering at his eyes. “I don’t know why I’m acting this way. I’m such a baby sometimes”

But he did. He was lonely. He had enough of a happy personality that he was able to forget it most of the time, but every now and then, when he was alone late at night, those niggling thoughts he was usually able to keep out crept in. He was alone. And chances were pretty high he would always be alone. It was during those low times the image of T.O.P would come to his mind, and he’d fantasized about what their life would be like if T.O.P were the same as he and they met, fell in love, and were no longer alone but together. It wasn’t a fancy dream — but the dumb thing comforted him. And now, it was gone. For good.

And he felt alone.

“Don’t worry Junsu, we’re here for you.” Jaejoong patted him on the knee. “Tomorrow will be better. And I’ll make us kimchi jjigae in the morning. I know how much you love my jjigae.”

This time his smile wasn’t as forced. “No, it’s Yoochun who likes your jjigae. See? See I knew you always liked Yoochun best.”

“I have to ask Junsu, do you think he knows?” Yoochun asked.

Junsu looked at him, puzzled. “That you like Jaejoong’s jjigae? Yeah, you told him.”

“No dummy, does T.O.P know that you’re actually gay? You did basically kiss him.”

With those words, Junsu froze. He hadn’t thought about that. Hadn’t thought what acting like that in front of T.O.P could mean. He knew that if word got out that he was gay, it would not go well. It would most definitely be the end of his career, it could very well hurt JYJ by association. And what about Toscana? He and his family had sunk massive amounts of money into building the hotel on Jeju. Would people still go there if they knew the truth about him? Anxiety began to turn up his stomach. As much as he thought that who he was was completely fine and normal, as much as he wanted to be out and proud, living with someone he truly loved, realistically, he didn’t live in a society where that was an option.

“Junsu, breath,” Jaejoong said, stroking his hand soothingly down Junsu’s arm. Yoochun, you’ve scared him. I’m sure it’s fine. Look, people have thought I’m the gay one for years, and it just makes people like me the best. There is no reason why we can’t make some big joke out of it if that bastard does say something.”

Junsu let out a shuddering breath. Jaejoong was right, even if T.O.P were to say something and it was picked up, Junsu could simply tell them what happened, it certainly wouldn’t put T.O.P in a good light. He just needed to be careful nothing like this ever happened again.

Yoochun reached over and grabbed the T.O.P pillow from where Junsu still clutched it. “Forget him. You’re way better than that asshole.” With that, he stood and drop-kicked the pillow across the room, where it landed in the sink, making all three of them cheer.

“One of these days, you’re going to cave and join my soccer team,” Junsu warned, as he had been for years.

“Nope, too lazy,” Yoochun replied, as he had for years.

Junsu was once again comforted by the fact, though his T.O.P fantasies may be a thing of the past, his real future with these guys was still pretty sweet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I post fun TopSu stuff at [my tumblr](http://fanficjjigae.tumblr.com/), come join me!


	3. Rain Down On Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seung Hyun realizes what an ass he was, but the bigger surprise is the break in his writers block.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise, Seung Hyun isn't an asshole, he's just really stressed. (But when he's stressed he is, actually, a big asshole.)

“Hey, man!” Seung Hyun jolted out of sleep, shading his eyes from the bright light of the sun streaming into the break room. Standing above him Ji Yong laughed. “You look terrible. Did you work here all night again?”

Seung Hyun swung his legs off the couch, wincing as blood started moving to his unbent limbs.

“You ditched us to come sleep here? You missed a bangin’ time. And it’s been too long since we’ve all been in the same place.” If you listened carefully, he thought, you could hear the leader censure in Ji Yong’s voice — just there — under the surface.

“I wanted to work.” Wanted… needed… was driven to it like a crazy man?

He noticed the moment Ji Yong spotted the legal pad laying by his feet and anticipating his move, tried to snatch it up, but his sleep-bleary eyes were too slow to win out over the determined Dragon.

Unable to sit still as Ji Yong read through the pages, Seung Hyun jumped up and began to pace the room. He was almost afraid to know what Ji Yong thought, as what had come from him last night was unlike anything else he’d done, and it was still rough, but… something was there. He could feel it.

Ji Yong looked at him and for a long, unbearable moment, didn’t say anything, his face inscrutable. Just as Seung Hyun was almost ready to strangle the man’s scrawny, over-accessorized ass, he broke into a grin.

“No joke man, this is dope.”

Seung Hyun sighed in relief, feeling as if a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders. “Really?”

Not only did Seung Hyun respect G-Dragon as the leader of their group, musically he was ridiculously talented. And his opinion meant a lot.

“Yeah, it’s rough — but you’re on the right track.”

Sobering, Ji Yong hit him on the shoulder. "Not gonna lie there brother, we were worried there for a while, but you keep going like this and you might just make it."

Wait. _Might_? A sliver of apprehension shivered down Seung Hyun’s back, he tried to shake it off, but it was as if Ji Yong had called back the rain clouds. He took a deep breath to try and calm himself. No, he was good.

"So what happened?"

Seung Hyun shrugged. "Guess boss was right, and a change of scenery was what I needed."

He figured it was best not to give Ji Yong the full details of what went down last night. Not his meeting with Junsu, not their almost kiss and his reaction to it. Not about seeing Junsu perform and his reaction to that. They were worried enough about him without him adding this to it.

Who are you not admitting this to? Seung Hyun wondered to himself. Just who are you, trying to pretend that you didn’t think of him all night long? Replaying those moments in your head over and over again?

What was going on with him? Why was he reacting this way? And why was it that all he could think about was seeing Junsu again?

It's not like he was gay. No, it was the music, he told himself firmly. After all, it was only after his encounter with Junsu that there was finally a chink in the wall of his epic block. A tiny light was peeking into the darkness, and Seung Hyun was determined to do whatever necessary to take a hammer and remove the rest of that wall.

So he needed to see Junsu again. For the music.

Yeah, the music.

He cringed, thinking of how Junsu had looked at him. He also needed to apologize for his behavior last night. Fuck, after what he said, he was fairly certain he wasn't going to have to worry about what this weird feeling in his stomach was. Junsu was never going to willingly speak to him.again.

He refused to acknowledge the clench in his heart over the thought.

"You okay? You went pale."

Seung Hyun shook himself out of his head and made a face at Ji Yong. "Tired. And hungry. Want to hit the cafeteria?"

Ji Yong laughed. "Always."

**********

Closing his eyes, Seung Hyun tilted his face up to the pounding water from the showerhead, the steam and the hot water leaching away what was left of his dark mood — and the aches from yet another night on that fucking love seat. Things were starting to look up. His rhythm was coming back to him, the prototypes for the chair line he was designing should be coming in any day, and there was a stack of scripts for him to go through.

Yes, things were looking up.

Sluicing the soapy water idly over his skin, he mulled around the one last thing that wasn’t worked out. As much as he tried to talk himself out of it, he knew he had to see Junsu again. No matter what it was that had happened last night, there was no way he could let this guy go around for the rest of his life thinking what an asshole he was. Or thought he was. Last night’s performance aside, he wasn’t an asshole — or wasn’t always an asshole. And for some reason, he needed this person to know that.

But how?

It’s not like they ran in the same circles. He’d heard of JYJ of course, who in his industry hadn’t? He was sure he’d seen pictures of them, probably been at some of the same events, but nothing stuck. Although, he was fairly certain if Junsu had actually literally crossed his path before, he would have noticed.

Rinsing off the remainder of the soap, he snapped off the faucet and stepped out of the shower, running a towel through his hair. Securely fastening a bulky bathrobe in place before wiping the steam off the mirror, he took a look at himself.

The shower had done him good, but it didn’t do much for his dark circles or the puffy face brought on by that late night ramyun. Maybe he should wait until he was rested before looking for Junsu again, he thought, and then shook his head to knock that thought loose. Why would he care what he looked like in front of this man? He was just going to be apologizing.

Besides, he probably wouldn’t even see him in person anyway. No need. One phone call, and it would be all taken care of. Five minutes, he’d apologize, Junsu would accept, and that would be that. No reason to see each other again. Or to speak. Ever.

His stomach clenched.

Striding into his bedroom, he picked up the phone from his bed. Scrolling through his contacts, he tried to find some connection, some person he knew who would know just how to contact Junsu. However, considering he didn’t actually know anything about the man, it was harder than he thought.

He paused over Ji Yong’s number. Ji Yong of course would know how to get in touch with Junsu, or would know who he would need to talk to in order to get that number within a matter of minutes, as Ji Yong knew everyone in the music business. However, he’d want to know why, and Seung Hyun had no intentions on spreading around why he was looking for Junsu — not even to Ji Yong. The less people who knew about this… situation… the better.

Making a decision, he clicked the speed dial for his manager. “Hey. I need you to find a number for me. Kim Junsu.”

**********

Hours later, still waiting to hear back from his manager, Seung Hyun regretted his choice not to just go right to Ji Yong. Impatience making him cranky again, he thought about calling Wooshik again to see how it was going but managed to refrain. Like Ji Yong, he didn’t need his manager asking any questions if he appeared to eager.

He tried to sit down, perching with a legal pad on one of the new leather club chairs in his bedroom, focusing on getting more words out, but they just weren’t coming to him as easily as they were last night — and he wondered what he was doing. He needed to focus. This was not the time to be playing whatever game he was playing right now — find the Junsu.

The phone rang, and Seung Hyun jumped up and grabbed for it. Giving himself a moment, a little lecture before answering, he managed to get out a cool, “Hey Wooshik.”

“T.O.P-shi, I’m sorry, I wasn’t able to get the number,” Wooshik apologized. “I tried all of my manger contacts, and I’d get close, but I just couldn’t get through. It’s weird, I usually don’t have a problem with this.”

Damn it. It couldn’t be this hard to get a single phone number — sasaeng fans did it all the time, didn’t they?

“Do you want me to keep trying?” Wooshik said. “Was this for something important?”

This was probably best, Seung Hyun told himself. Obviously, if fate meant for them to see each other again, it would have happened. Instead, it was like a big boot to the ass, saying, “Forget this guy, you shouldn’t be thinking about him anyway. Now get back to work!”

And he intended to listen.

“No, don’t worry about it. Thanks anyway.” With that, he took the phone from his ear in order to click off, when the voice of his manager called out to him.

“I did find out where he’d be tomorrow afternoon. Would that help?”

**********

Studying the stadium, Seung Hyun slammed the door to his car, slid his sunglasses into place, and headed for the door. He’d tried to talk himself out of this several times over the last 24 hours, but no matter how many times he’d decided against it, he’d known exactly where he’d be today.

Clearing his throat at the tickle which had developed overnight, he made his way through the oddly non-existent security, ducking his head and pulling his cap down low whenever he passed anyone whose appearance screamed ‘manager’ — and with as much star power as there was in this building, there were quite a few. He finally found himself at the top of the seats, looking down at the soccer pitch below.

Players in blue ran around the field, doing some practice warm ups. He scanned the crowd, trying to find the one person he was looking for. Realizing he was too high up, he looked around to make sure no one was around him to notice he was there, then climbed down a few levels and settled into one of the low seats. From this vantage point, he was able to make out the faces, and while he recognized some of the players, he did not see the face he was looking for.

Was Wooshik wrong? Maybe Junsu was not going to be here tonight. Perhaps this trip had been as big a waste as he’d been afraid it would be. Just then, there he was, running onto the field, a wide smile on his face and his hair bouncing gently against his forehead. Seung Hyun watched as all of the rest of the players circled around him, waiting for whatever direction he was giving them.

Seung Hyun was struck by how different Junsu looked with a bright smile on his face. That smile Junsu had shot him certainly hadn’t been anything like this, and then his performance had been dark and seductive, not really the place for this sort of happiness. And as Seung Hyun watched the players break up into teams and begin a scrimmage, he realized that was exactly what this was — happiness. His face was bright and open, not hiding anything, just completely in the moment and happy.

For a brief moment, Seung Hyun realized how long it had been since he’d been happy and wanted that desperately for himself.

He watched as Junsu played, throwing his all into it. Aggressively going after the ball, running up and down the field on his taut, muscular legs. Junsu was a barrel of energy, bouncing in place, laughing with those around him one moment and then off like a shot after the ball, his face in deep concentration, the next. He was so changeable, and Seung Hyun could not take his eyes away.

That was, until a line of beats began to rumble about his head, and unable to resist, he pulled out his phone and began to make quick notes. He hadn’t realized just how much time had passed until he looked up and saw the practice must be just about over, as the team was circled in the middle, listening to the coach. He kicked himself for spacing out on the game, not paying attention to who won. Junsu was still smiling, so Seung Hyun would have thought it was his team, but since he’d been smiling almost non-stop since hitting the field, he couldn’t be sure.

As the team made its way off the field, Seung Hyun climbed back down to the bleachers and back to his car. His plan was to try and head Junsu off at the parking lot before he left and ask him to meet somewhere for coffee or dinner, so he could apologize appropriately.

The sky, in the meantime, had darkened with night, and he shivered, wishing he’d brought a heavier coat. If he wasn’t careful, that tickle in the back of his throat would turn to a full on cold, and he had no time right now to get sick. He watched the players slowly filter out, laughing and joking, saying their goodbyes before either being picked up in manager’s cars or, if they were popular enough, zooming away in fancy sport cars.

Blowing air onto his hands, he realized it had been a while since someone had come out, and he began to worry Junsu had slipped out another entrance. A blue sports car sat on the other side of the lot, so the there was still a chance.

Then there he was. Junsu.

Striding past him, an oversized duffle bag tossed over his shoulder, head bobbing to whatever music was playing on his headphones, his hair still wet from a shower, Junsu hadn’t even noticed him, and Seung Hyun was frozen for a moment where he stood. As Junsu reached the car, Seung Hyun shook his head, snapping himself out of his head.  Realizing he was just about to lose this opportunity, he sprang forward and called out.

“Kim Junsu!”

Junsu didn’t even falter, beeping his locks unlocked and tossing the bag into the trunk. Seung Hyun began to jog toward him — so much for being cool, he thought to himself.

“Kim Junsu!”

This time he could see that Junsu heard him, as he pulled off his headphones and turned, a smile bright on his face. That is until he saw who it was. Seung Hyun watched as the smile first froze and then blinked out, his face turning instantly hard — which Seung Hyun felt like a fist to his gut.

Seung Hyun came to a stop in front of him, suddenly unsure of what to say now that he was here. Junsu still smelled like oranges, was the only stupid thought that circled his brain. _He looks like he hates me, and he smells like oranges._

After almost a whole minute of not speaking, Junsu finally gave in and spoke first. “Yes?” It wasn’t much, but it finally got Seung Hyun’s brain moving again.

“The other night… when you ...”

Junsu stepped back a little bit, his fingers whitening as he gripped the door. “Oh, that, forget about that. I was just hyped before the performance. Now, if you’ll excuse me.” He turned away as if to leave, but Seung Hyun, his arm moving as if independently, reached out and grabbed Junsu’s arm. Through the wool of his jacket, Seung Hyun could feel Junsu’s bicep tense.

“No, I’m sorry,” he said, and Junsu froze, his eyes jerking up to Seung Hyun’s, wide with shock. “It’s absolutely no excuse, but I was having a really rough day. I was dragged there by my boss. I was an ass, and I want to apologize.”

Junsu shrugged. “You think what you think…”

“But I don’t think that way,” Seung Hyun burst out, needing for Junsu to understand what he didn’t understand himself. “I’m ashamed of what I said, especially since it makes it seem like I’m a close-minded asshole.”

The phone rang, and Junsu broke eye contact to glance down at his phone. “Look it’s fine, I’ve got to go.”

As the phone rang again, Junsu looked back up at him, and their eyes locked. Seung Hyun could feel the opportunity slipping from his fingers, and he wasn’t sure what he could do to stop it or fix what he’d done. “I’m just… sorry.”

Junsu nodded and finally gave him a little smile. “I believe you.” Breaking their gaze, Junsu gestured to the car. “I have a recording session. I've got to go. But thanks.” With that, he slid into the car and clicked the door behind him. Looking back up at Seung Hyun, he gave a wave and then pulled away.

Seung Hyun watched as the car drove into the night. He hoped Junsu hadn’t lied and that he did believe him. What he’d said was true. He might not be gay, but he wasn’t one of those close-minded people who refused to accept it, and for Junsu to think he might be….

Just then, it dawned on him. Junsu had left, and he still had no way to contact him. Mentally, he kicked himself. What had just happened to him? Why did he always seem to act like an idiot around Junsu? What happened to the “talk it over with coffee or dinner” plan? Now he was right back where he started.

Except now, maybe, just maybe, Junsu didn’t hate him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I post fun TopSu stuff at [my tumblr](http://fanficjjigae.tumblr.com/), come join me!


	4. For Reasons Unknown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seung Hyun realizes it's time to meet up with Junsu again it goes just as well as you'd expect — badly. It's a toss up as to which is more clueless in this potential relationship. (But for now, let's go with Seung Hyun.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reader Alert: Seung Hyun pulls out the T.O.P charm and it's fairly swoon-worthy. You know, until he messes up again. Just consider yourselves warned...

Seung Hyun fiddled with the soundboard, music pumping heavy through his headphones, nodding his head in time to the beat. It was close, he thought, as he closed his eyes to just focus on the sound. He could feel it shaping, but it wasn’t quite coming out like he’d like, and he wasn’t sure how to fix it. It needed something… He needed something… He grabbed the now battered notebook and flipped back to what he’d written a few days ago, studying the words.

What he needed was another Junsu fix.

He shook the ridiculous thought out of his head, not even sure where it had come from. For the most part, after their last meeting, he’d been able to keep his brain Junsu free. Mostly. Of course, he’d done that by jamming his schedule from morning to night, recording with the guys, production meetings for his chair line, reading scripts, and working with the gallery on a new modern art exhibit. He was exhausted.

But the music, which had started to come, had, day by day, slowed to a stop. Which was really beginning to piss him off. He was T.O.P, he didn’t fail at anything — and he certainly wasn’t going to start now.

He thought about it for a moment, considering his options. Hmm… well, if he couldn't get the real Junsu to talk to him, maybe there was another way to tackle this problem. Grabbing his tablet, he paused for a moment before in typing ‘Junsu’ and clicked on the first video which popped up, a song called  _ Tarantallegra _ . Just as he had when he watched him live, Seung Hyun was transfixed, as Junsu writhed around in some sort of post apocalyptic otherworld. It reminded him of BigBang’s own  _ Fantastic Baby _ video — or Seungri’s and Daesung’s parts in the video. The music, unlike the broadway ballad he’d sung before, was rougher with more attitude.

Then there was the way he moved…

He clicked to another video and then another. How is it he’d never paid attention to this before? He was blown away with all the different facets of Junsu as a performer. Junsu, who didn’t seem to be bound by any genre or rules. He just put himself out there. And Seung Hyun found himself beginning to admire him.

Turning back to his own stalled-out work again, he stood up, resolved. He didn’t know why, but he knew he needed to talk to Junsu, to be around him, to… he didn’t know what. Apparently, there was something about him that brought the music in his head back out, that inspired him, and damned if he was going to just ignore it.

For the first time in awhile, he felt like his old self was fighting its way through his fear and his insecurities, bubbling to the top — again assured in his path. Tossing down the tablet, he picked up his phone. “Wooshik. Get me the training schedule for the FC Men team.”

He was T.O.P, and it was time he acted like it.

**********

Junsu chatted with the coach about the plans for their next match. He always felt so great after playing soccer, despite all the bumps and bruises he usually went home with, like all the weight of the day had lifted from his shoulders. A good soccer match was almost as good as the high after a really good performance. He wished his schedule would allow him to play soccer every day, but he knew he was lucky to get in the couple of times a week that he did. “Work hard, play hard” was his motto.

After hitting the showers, he talked with the BEAST boys about how the plans for their next comeback were going along, then made plans to have dinner with Doo Joon next week.

As a team filled with celebrities, he wasn’t the only one who had to squeeze the play time into their schedule, so the locker room quickly emptied. Once everyone was gone Junsu put his headphones in place and picked a random playlist. T.O.P’s gravely voice licked through his ears. “Nope.” He clicked through to the next song. BEAST. The timing made him giggle so he sang a few bars before skipping to another playlist. He loved music, all sorts of music, and he never knew what he was in the mood for until he landed on it.

Wandering around the now empty locker room, he picked up a towel from the floor and threw it into the basket in the corner. It was his habit to be the last one out of the locker room, making sure everything was tidy — Junsu knew they had people for that, but he didn’t want anyone thinking badly about his team.

Attempting to sing along to a song by Elvis Perkins, Junsu laughed at his terrible English.  _ Oh well _ , he thought,  _ with music you don’t need to understand the words to get the feeling behind it. _

Grabbing his duffle bag, he tossed it over his shoulder and left the room, shutting down the lights as he went.

The music eased from Elvis Perkins to another American band, The Killers. He must have switched over to his English playlist. Again attempting to sing along, Junsu was in full-on dance swagger as he hit the lobby and headed toward the door.

Where he froze.

Standing there, leaning against the doorframe, his arms crossed in front of him, with a smile curling just one side of his lips, was T.O.P.

Junsu’s breath stuttered in surprise, and he trailed off the song. What was he doing here? Again?? Junsu wasn’t sure what to make of it — the first time had been awkward enough. It was nice that he’d apologized, cared enough to apologize. It was good to know that maybe his taste in crushes hadn’t been so stupid. The romantic part of him, of course, had tried to float away, bringing back the warm fuzzy, sweeping, romantic feelings, but he’d managed — just barely — to beat them back. After being reminded just what was at stake if he was outed, he couldn’t take chances like that again.

T.O.P raised an eyebrow at him, looking handsome and cocky, like all of the pictures Junsu had seen of him in the magazines. “Your English skills are… interesting.”

Crap, he’d heard! Junsu wanted to melt down into the floor in tiny little droplets. “I… am so embarrassed,” he burst out.

“Don’t be. It was cute.”

Cute? T.O.P thought he was cute? Junsu could feel his cheeks flush pink.

“Who are you listening to?” T.O.P asked.

“Uhhh… The Killers. it’s an American band.”

With that, T.O.P leaned over and casually plucked one of the buds from Junsu’s ear and put it into his own. The line of wire stretched — connecting the two of them. Junsu could not take his eyes from T.O.P’s, and those darn butterflies circled his stomach. His heart began to thump hard.

Thump.

Thump.

Thump.

He tried to tell himself to calm down. Remember? This couldn’t happen. There were lots of reasons why his stupid crush was… stupid. T.O.P wasn’t gay. Things just didn’t work that way. But T.O.P’s eyes were dark and didn’t leave his as he slowly began to nod his head in time to the music.

“It’s good.” Oh, his voice, Junsu thought, his voice was like how a cat’s tongue felt. Rough and yet smooth at the same time. Sometimes at night, Junsu would just lie there in bed, listening to T.O.P’s voice in his headphones. The sound of it finally soothing his energy, letting his brain drift off into sleep.

“I have all their albums. I don’t know what they’re saying but…”

T.O.P shook his head. “Sometimes you don’t need to understand the words to be able to feel the song.”

Junsu opened his eyes wide. “That’s exactly what I say!”

T.O.P gave him a little smile before carefully putting the earbud back in Junsu’s ear, his fingers brushing briefly against his earlobe, and Junsu imagined he could almost feel an actual spark.  

Down, butterflies, down.

In self defense, Junsu took a step back, trying to separate him from whatever… lure T.O.P had over him. “What… what are you doing here?”

T.O.P cocked his head at him. “I’m here for you.”

Junsu stopped breathing. “What?”

T.O.P nodded at the parking lot. “I see your car is here. Do you have a schedule tonight?”

“… what?” For some reason, Junsu could not get his brain to start working again. And T.O.P just standing there being all… T.O.P, with his pointed eyebrows and his half-smile and his… being T.O.P, was not helping. Actually, as Junsu stared, it seemed as though T.O.P was actually enjoying his discomfort.

What the flying fudge was going on here?

“Dinner,” T.O.P said slowly. “Do you have plans for dinner?”

Almost under a spell, Junsu shook his head. “No, I’m done for the night.” Gah! Why did he say that? He was in no position to be anywhere with T.O.P, not if a simple conversation turned his insides to squishy mocchi.

T.O.P smiled a dangerous smile. “Good, come out to eat with me.”

“Why?” The better question would be why was his brain still not working? When would his brain actually start working again? Why was T.O.P even here? With him?

“You have to eat, and I have to talk to you about something. Come on, let’s go.” With that, T.O.P reached over, grabbed his arm, and pulled him through the doors and across the parking lot.

*******

Seung Hyun opened his car door, deposited a sputtering and wide eyed Junsu inside, and shut the door firmly behind him before he had a chance to bolt. Which, from the look of him, was not that big of a leap. Whistling a little tune, he circled the back of the car. His plan was, for once since meeting Junsu, going surprisingly well. Maybe this time it was all going to go his way—which would be a nice fucking change from his usual path of disaster and destruction.

Sliding into the car, he looked over at Junsu, who was still gaping at him, his eyes round, as he clutched his gym bag to his chest. Good lord, could he get more adorable?

“Seat belt?” Seung Hyun said.

“Huh?”

Slowly, Seung Hyun leaned over and reached across Junsu, who pressed himself hard against the car seat away from him. He grabbed the seat belt from its holster and pulled it down, his eyes catching Junsu’s. Their faces mere inches apart, Seung Hyun froze, wondering just what it was that he was doing. As adorable as he was, there was no reason to fasten Junsu’s seat belt for him, like he was a girl he was seducing—that was some Seungri level shit. He breathed in the sweet smell of oranges before Junsu let out the breath he’d been holding.

Shaking his head, Seung Hyun pulled back and clicked the seatbelt shut before moving back to the safety of his own seat.

_ Pull it together man, pull it together. _

Fastening his own seat belt, he pulled out of the parking lot and headed to his favorite out-of-the-way spot. However, he realized there was a small flaw in his plan. Now that he had Junsu in his car, he wasn’t quite sure what to do with him. How did he expect all this to work? Would just being in his presence be enough to make the music come back to him? It’s not like Junsu was some mythical being. Like some fucking muse. Was he need continual doses of Junsu to make the music stay? And if that were the case, how was he going to convince Junsu to start randomly hanging out with him? Without looking like a nutbar, that is.

Unable to take the awkward silence anymore, he reached to the top of his dash, grabbed a cigarette from the pack, and lit up, taking a long drag.

For the first time since he’d gotten into the car, Junsu moved, creeping his hand along the car door, until he reached the buttons, pressing the controller until the window slid silently down. He tilted his face into the cold wind blowing into the car, his still damp hair whipping against his forehead. Seung Hyun looked down at the cigarette which dangled in his hand.

“Do you want me to put it out?”

Junsu turned from the window and looked at him before finally smiling. “Would you?”

Grinding out the cigarette immediately, Seung Hyun rolled down his own window and awkwardly tried to shuffle air out of the car. “No problem, sorry I didn’t ask. You don’t smoke?” Feeling stupid, he raised the windows and cranked the heat as the last thing he needed was for Junsu to get sick because of him.

Junsu shrugged. “Before I debuted, I had a problem with my throat and had to have surgery. No one thought I’d be able to make it as a singer because it was affecting my voice. I don’t ever want to do anything that will jeopardize that.”

Seung Hyun thought about it, what would he do if he no longer had the ability to rap anymore. He’d rather die.

“Plus, Yoochun has asthma, so no one is supposed to smoke around us. Now it just smells gross.” He colored. “I mean, not that  _ you  _ smell bad. I…”

“Yoochun is one of the members of your band?”

A bright smile burst out onto Junsu’s face. “Yes! He’s my best friend. Yoochun is just so great, I love him and Jaejoong more than anything. Well, except my family. And my cats. And…” he trailed off.

Twin pricks of emotion poked at Seung Hyun. One, he was charmed by Junsu and his enthusiasm, but the other? He was struck with an odd twinge of jealousy at his happy tone while talking about Yoochun.

Best not to think too much about that, he realized. “Cats?”

“Yep, I have five of them! I wish I could have more of them, but technically, I’m allergic.”

“That’s a lot of cats.”

When there was no response, Seung Hyun glanced over in time to see Junsu flush pink again as he began to chew on his lip, and he couldn’t help but stare at the white teeth pulling at that full pink bottom lip. As the silence went on, he began to kick himself for what he’d said, as it seems like he’d definitely hit a sore spot. He’d just barely managed to get Junsu to forget the other day and now he’d gone spouting off on what seemed to be his cat obsession? He was such a fucking idiot.

There was a honking noise behind them and Seung Hyun realized the light had changed. Forcing himself to pay attention to the road, they set off again.

“I mean, I’ve always wanted a cat.” No he hadn’t. Where the hell did that come from?

Junsu’s head whipped around to him, and he smiled brightly again. “Really?” Seung Hyun was struck by the full wattage of the smile. “Uh. Yeah. I’ve just hadn’t had the time to do any research. Maybe you could help?”

If possible, Junsu’s eyes got bigger. “Yes! I’d be happy to help.”

Maybe this idea wasn’t as stupid as he’d thought. After that, Junsu babbled for the rest of the drive, talking about his cats, the care of cats, and the best places to get cats. He’d thought he would have been irritated or weirded out by the clearly obsessive cat thing, but instead, he found it charming. Besides, as a collector of dozens of expensive chairs, he wasn’t really in the place to be judgemental.

Zipping the car into the restaurant's lot, he climbed out and led Junsu into the building. The hostess, trained well, did not gawk at the two superstars and instead led them to a separate dining room in the back. Junsu stood in the middle of the small, dimly lit room looking unsure of himself yet again. For some reason, Seung Hyun felt a weird sense of pleasure in throwing the other man off guard.

It seemed only fair, considering how off kilter he’d been since they’d met.

With a smile, Seung Hyun walked over to stand in front of him and reached out, pulling the zipper of Junsu’s coat down. “Let me help you with that.” As he tugged the coat off his shoulders, Junsu’s eyes again got huge, as he gaped at him. Yep, he made him nervous.

Settling in, he pulled out a menu and gave the waitress their order, nodding at her to leave the room.

“So. I hear you’re finishing up your next album?”

Junsu looked surprised. “It’s almost done. How did you know?”

“I know things.” Seung Hyun certainly wasn’t going to admit to trawling the internet for Junsu references.

“Tablo?”

Seung Hyun frowned, not sure where Junsu’s thoughts had jumped to. “Sorry?”

“Did Tablo tell you about the album? And, you know, where to find me?”

“You’re friends with Tablo?”

“We worked together on one of the cuts from the new album. You didn’t know?”

Seung Hyun kicked himself. Tablo. A connection to Junsu had been right under his nose and he’d had no idea. If he’d done a little bit more research maybe he wouldn’t have had to go so far just to track him down. “Uh. No. Sorry. I haven’t seen Tablo in a while. He’s pretty busy promoting right now. Did you like working with him?”

Junsu smiled again. “I did! He’s amazing. We actually did a project band together awhile back, so it was nice to see him again. I’m so honored he agreed to be part of my album. His words are beautiful.”

Again that flicker of jealousy poked at him.

“He’s pretty good.”

The waitress knocked softly on the door before opening it and bringing in their food.

“So you’re going to be pretty busy soon, with promoting?” he asked once the waitress had left the room and closed the door behind her.

Junsu studied the platters of luxurious looking sashimi in front of him. Picking up his chopsticks, he chose a chunk of salmon the popped it in his mouth. Seung Hyun watched as Junsu’s eyes closed as he chewed and savored the morsel. He swallowed hard, forcing himself to look away, grabbing his own piece and shoving it in his mouth.

“A bit. I have a few appearances, a couple of fan meets, and then it’s mostly concerts—the fun part. For me the hard part is getting the album done.”

“That’s it? With any of my projects my schedule turns into a nightmare — interviews, radio shows, variety, music shows.”

Junsu put down his chopsticks and took a slow sip of his tea. “We don’t do any of that.”

“Really? How do you manage that?”

“We’re not allowed to promote anywhere.”

Seung Hyun was confused. Not promote? Wasn’t that all part of the deal? Put out an album and then promote until you felt like you were going to die and then start all over again? “What do you mean?”

“You really don’t know anything about me, do you?” The he said with a wry smile, but from his tone, Seung Hyun could tell he’d hurt him again.

“I’m sorry, I don’t.” And he was sorry. He was sorry he didn’t know him before or that he hadn’t thought to do more than stare at a few music videos before finding him again. God, he was such an asshole sometime.

Junsu stared at him for a long moment before sighing. “T.O.P-ssi, why are we here?”

“What?”

“I”m sorry, I just don’t know what we’re doing here. What you want from me. Why do you keep coming to find me? You said you wanted to apologize, and you did. Thanks for that. But why are you here now? I just… don’t get it.”

Before he could answer, or even before he could try work out an answer in his brain, the phone rang.

Junsu reached into his pocket and pulled out a phone covered in a giant rubber case. “Yoochun!” he said, smiling into the phone. Seung Hyun narrowed his eyes. “No, don’t worry about it. I’ll be right there.”

He clicked off the phone, stood up, and gave Seung Hyun a formal bow. “I’m sorry, I have to go.”

Seung Hyun rose. “Is something wrong?”

“Yeah, Yoochun needs me. I have to go.”

“You can’t just wait and finish your meal?” Seung Hyun asked, trying very hard not to be irritated.

Junsu shook his head. “No, I’m sorry, I have to go.” He turned and grabbed his coat and bag from the hook on the wall.

“Wait. I’ll take you.”

“No!” Junsu said firmly. “Really, it’s okay, and again, I’m sorry. And… thanks.” With that, he turned, banged into the closed door, snuck an embarrassed look at Seung Hyun, and then eased out, clicking the door shut quietly behind him.

*******

Seung Hyun entered the studio, his mood dark. What the fuck happened? As he should have predicted the night hadn’t quite turned out to be the victory he’d thought it was when he’d first shepherded Junsu into his car.

He was realizing that this is just how it was with Junsu, he needed to stay on his toes whenever he was around him. You think he’s going one way and he’s off in another direction.  And what was that thing with Yoochun? He called and Junsu goes running?

Flicking the lights on, he froze. Where Junsu and Yoochun together? Like, as a couple?

Not that it had anything to do with him of course. What — or who — Junsu did on his own time was entirely his own business. Nope, it didn’t matter at all. Seung Hyun was there for one thing and one thing only. To finally and officially get past this writer's blog he was having. That’s it. And if that meant using Junsu to do so, then that was what he was going to do.

But that wasn’t it. He had to admit, if just to himself, he was really beginning to like Junsu as a person. His funny, loud laugh, his enthusiasm for life, and even his weird cat obsession. Junsu wasn’t the type of person that Seung Hyun usually hung around with, he was too wide eyed and… innocent for that, but there was something about him that made Seung Hyun want to keep coming back for more.

What could they be doing at — he looked at his watch — 10 at night?

Hitting a button on the board, he played back the track the guys had laid down earlier in the day. The dark, hard notes suited his mood. Closing his eyes, he opened up that part of him that felt the music and let it in. The beats swelled and thudded, crashing inside him. He thought about the lyrics that Ji Yong had planned for it. The feel and meaning behind them. Lost love and yearning for what you couldn't have. Letting his mind drift, he put the sounds and lyrics together, blending them up into a musical storm. Behind his eyes, a vision of Junsu weaved its way through, smiling sweetly at him in the car, that moment when their lips almost touched backstage, the look of… sadness that came over his face when Seung Hyun admitted he didn’t know anything about him.

Something in Seung Hyun wanted to reach out to him. To bring back that smile to his face. To be the one who made him smile when he called on the phone. Grabbing the ever-present pad of paper from his bag, he began to write words down furiously, almost unable to keep up with the rap that was now spinning out of his mind.

Junsu.

Hours later, he tossed the paper down, spent. Immediately, he picked up his phone and scrolled through his contact list.

“Tablo-hyung? It’s T.O.P.” At the sound of the cursing at the other end of the line, Seung Hyun winced and looked at his watch. “Fuck. I’m sorry. I didn’t realize. I’m in the studio, and I lost track of time. Hey man, you just worked with Junsu, right? Do you happen to have his phone number?”

He leaned back in the chair and waited for the cursing to end. “Yeah, it’s for a… project.”

With a smile, he picked up his pencil and jotted down the number Tablo gave him. “Thanks, I’ll buy you dinner as soon as you get back.”

Not waiting for a reply, Seung Hyun clicked off the phone. Smiling down at the number, he tapped it with his pencil. “I’ve got you now.”  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I post fun TopSu stuff at [my tumblr](http://fanficjjigae.tumblr.com/), come join me!


	5. Wonderful Tonight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seung Hyun finally lays it out on the line and asks Junsu for help. Will Junsu be willing to give Seung Hyun what he needs? More importantly, will this time go better than any of their other encounters? (Well, it can't be any worse can it?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's a little bit late (although I haven't gone to sleep yet so it still counts as Sunday, right?) I had some issues with formatting!

Junsu collapsed onto his bed, sadness seeping deep into his bones. He knew it was only a matter of time before one of them was called, but it was still a shock. Quickly reaching their 30s they'd put off their military service long enough — he just wasn't sure what he'd do without Jaejoong for two years. He'd originally toyed with signing up at the same time, but with this new album coming out and the legal issues with Toscana, he needed to push it back as far as he could.

At least he'd have Yoochun — with his asthma as bad at it was, there was some question as to whether he'd be allowed to serve at all.

Baccra jumped up on the bed and headbutted Junsu to make his presence known. "Oh Baccra, you know I'm sad don't you?" He tucked his arm around the cat and gave him a squeeze. "I'll always have you, won't I, buddy. And soon your cousin will come and visit us for a while," he said, thinking of the promise he’d made to Jaejoong to take care of his cat while he was gone.

The cat squirmed away, having doled out enough affection for the day, and escaped off the bed. Tired to his bones, Junsu flipped the comforter over his legs, unable to even make the effort to climb underneath it.

Feeling above his head, Junsu grabbed at the first pillow he could reach and curled around it, ready to sleep for at least a week, a month, or until his manager pounded on his door.

His phone rang from the depths of his pocket, and wearily, he tugged it out of the tight jeans. "Hello?"

"It's Seung Hyun."

The man said it as if of course Junsu would know who he was. He took a look at the number but it didn’t look familar, and Junsu racked his tired brain but it just didn't ring a bell. "Who?"

"T.O.P."

It took just a moment for the name to register, but when it did, Junsu sat upright abruptly. "The T.O.P?"

"You know more than one?"

Once again, Junsu was having trouble processing what was going on. "Uhhh… I don't think so." Heaven help the world if there was more than one of this man wandering the earth. Of course, if there was, he'd have an easier time keeping one for himself. If he wanted a T.O.P of his own. Which he didn't. Not any more.

Right?

"Junsu, are you still there?" Junsu startled out of his thoughts at the sound of his name, said in T.O.P's gravely voice.

"Yes, I'm still here. How did you get my number?"

"I have my ways."

 "Tablo?"

 T.O.P chuckled low over the phone, causing tingles to run down the back of Junsu's neck. "He's still probably cursing me out for calling him at 2:00 a.m."

 Junsu couldn't hold back anymore. "Why are you calling me at 2 a.m?"

 "You left our dinner, abandoning me at the table alone. Is everything okay, by the way?"

 Junsu pulled himself up until his back rested on his headboard, using the back of his wrist to wipe the last of the sleep out of his eyes. "Yes, Jaejoong got assigned a date to start his military service. He leaves the end of next month."

 "Oh man. So… Jaejoong was there too?"

 "Tonight? Yeah, we all met at his house. I just got home."

 "Are you alone?"

 Junsu furrowed his brow, not understanding what was going on and the tired turning on a flicker of irritation and he finally let go.  "T.O.P, why are you calling me? Why do you keep coming to see me? I don't get it. I said it's okay, you don't have to feel bad for what you said. I get it, people have bad days. You don't have to…"

 "I don't."

 "What?"

 "Feel guilty. Well, I do. What I said was pretty terrible. And I promise not like me at all.” he paused. “But that's not why I keep trying to talk to you."

 "Why then?" Junsu asked, exasperated.

 "I… I don't know. Look this is embarrassing, so maybe it's best we do it over the phone — my pride might not be able to survive looking you in the eye right now. I've been having some trouble, for some reason I've been blocked. Music wise. And you know how late we are with this new album ..."

 "You want me to write music for you? I'm not a rapper, T.O.P. "

 "NO!" he said vehemently. "I'm not looking for you to write for me. I'm not even sure how to say this. Or why this is happening. But… ever since that other night, when we first met, whenever I see you, the words are coming back to me."

 Junsu was shocked, and he had no idea what to do with this information. T.O.P was inspired by him? Him? Kim Junsu? The hottest rapper in all of Korea was thinking of him while working? If only T.O.P knew how many of Junsu's own songs were written with him in mind.

 But what did it mean?

 " Yep, I was right. This is pretty mortifying. Look Junsu, you seem like a nice person, but you're right, I don't know you. I don't know anything about you other than the videos I've watched since that night. But… I'd like to know you. I'd like to figure out what this… thing is. But to be completly honest, I just need to get my words back. Without music, my life doesn't mean anything — and I'm pretty sure you are one of the few people who understand that."

 T.O.P was right, Junsu did understand the need to create music, and with what had gone on in his career, the throat surgery and then the contract issues and lawsuits with SM, he knew how scary it felt to have it almost taken away from you. He wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone. "What can I do?"

 "I know you're busy right now, but maybe, if we could get together sometime? Hang out? Get to know each other? I figure we can work it out as we go along. Look, I know this is a lot to ask but…"

 Junsu wasn’t entirely certain he wasn’t still sleeping. T.O.P, his number one crush, was asking for his help. Spending time with him? Actually being able to talk to him in person, not the fake conversations he’d had with him in his head? How could he say no? But then again, his obsession with him was already off the charts, how much worse would it get hanging out with him? Being around him and not actually being able to be with him? It was one thing to admire someone off in the distance, someone you didn't know or care about, someone you knew you never had any chance with. But to have him there beside him and not be able to touch him? To kiss him? To have him for his own, for real? Juns knew it might be more than his heart could take.

He looked down at the pillow he'd curled up with just a moment ago. Which was not a just a regular pillow, but that very same gift Jaejoong and Yoochun had given to him as a joke. After they'd left, despite how angry and frustrated he'd been, he'd pulled the pillow out of the trash, cleaned it, and found a home for it — right on his bed. Where he snuggled with it every night. The pillow-T.O.P winked up at him in his cocky way, and Junsu knew, _he knew_ this was madness, that his heart was not going to survive this, and the best thing to do would be to walk away — to run away. To throw this pillow back in the trash where it belonged and get his life back on a normal kilter. Anything else would be emotional suicide.

"No," Junsu said. "No, I'll be happy to help."

 

*********

The next day. Or, to be more exact, later that day, after he'd slept — or pretended to sleep, he went to a fitting for his upcoming music video, “Flower.” It was going to be a huge production — probably the biggest one he'd ever done, and he was super excited for filming to begin. He may not be able to promote this anywhere, but, hopefully, something like this would get people talking enough where he wouldn't need to.

Checking the time, Junsu felt a rush of excitement flow through him. Bowing to all the production people, he made his goodbyes and made his way out of the building. It was almost time for his date with T.O.P. He shook his head. NO, he told himself firmly, it was not a date. It was a… meeting? An appointment? Lord, he didn't know what it was, but it certainly wasn't a date.

Hopping into his car, he pressed the start engine button, and his baby roared to life. Giving a final wave to his perplexed manager, he zipped out of the parking lot. Did he have time to go home and change? For the third time? No. Stop it Junsu, he chided himself, NOT A DATE.

Driving to Jaejoong's coffee shop, he entered through one of the discreet back doors, or the celebrity door, as Jaejoong called it. He made his way through the kitchen and straight into one of the back, hidden booths. Pulling out his phone, he sent T.O.P a quick text.

 

 **From: Kim Junsu  
** Sent: 17:23, February 3  
I’m here. Grabbed a booth in the back.

 **From: T.O.P  
** Sent: 17:26, February 3  
On my way.

 

Junsu had to hold back the shiver the words gave him. He still found the whole thing a little unbelievable — T.O.P was texting him. T.O.P was on his way here to meet him. THE T.O.Pin all his T.O.P-y glory was going to sit here and have coffee with him. Junsu took a calming breath to try and bring his fangirling down to a manageable level.

And then, there he was. Boldly walking in through the kitchen entrance, like he did it every day. He spotted Junsu, gave him a nod before striding over. All thoughts of bringing that fangirling down was gone. It was T.O.P. Junsu just stared at him as he moved through the room. His stride long and determined. Junsu was havin a little trouble breathing. This was not good.

 When he reached the table, T.O.P  took off his heavy overcoat, revealing a dark blue knit sweater with a dark burgundy plaid oxford shirt buttoned right to the top beneath. He tossed the jacket into the booth before sliding in across from Junsu.

 Awkward, now that he was actually here, Junsu wasn't sure what to say. "Hi."

 "Hey, thanks for coming." T.O.P smiled at him.

 "Like I said, I'm happy to help." How he was going to help, he wasn’t actually sure, but if ‘helping’ got him face to face T.O.P time, he’d help all day long.

The waitress came over, T.O.P ordered an espresso, and Junsu asked her for his usual. As she left T.O.P leaned in. "Your usual? So you come here often?"

Junsu nodded. "Yeah, it's Jaejoong's coffee shop, so we know we can come here and not be harassed."

 "Nice."

 "So..."

 "So..."

Junsu was relieved to think that maybe he wasn't the only one who felt awkward here. He had no idea what to say to him and thought "Can I make out with you?" was probably inappropriate.

They talked a little small talk, weather and the such, as the coffee came, the pauses between getting larger and larger, until they were mostly silent and Junsu felt like he was about to pull his hair out. This wasn’t getting them anywhere — unless there was some sort of Most Awkward award out there.

With that, he made a decision and stood up abruptly. "Come on, let's go."

 T.O.P looked up at him, surprised. "Where?"

 "Staring awkwardly at each other is not going to help you. Come on T.O.P, I have an idea."

T.O.P rose, and while he was only an inch or so taller than Junsu, with his presence and broad shoulders, he seemed to tower over him. With one of his teasing smiles, T.O.P leaned in just that much closer.

 "It's Seung Hyun."

"Huh?" Junsu was struck by the now familiar speechlessness his smile and...closeness brought on.

 "My name. People who actually know me call me Seung Hyun."

 "Seung Hyun…" Junsu allowed his voice to trail off.

 With a cock of his eyebrow, T.O.P moved around him, brushing against Junsu's arm gently, and Junsu could feel the tingles shoot straight to his shoulder. Yeah, this was not a good idea.

 

**********

 

"This is your great idea?" Seung Hyun asked, skeptical, as he took in the tiny dark room painted in Prince purple, with a mirrorball hanging from the ceiling, sending sparkled light across the room and low couches edging the walls.

 Junsu handed him a microphone and smiled brightly, his eyes beaming in excitement. "You can't tell me you haven't been to a noraebang before."

 "Not lately. Isn't it a little… weird for us?" He looked at the door, which had a narrow glass window. What if someone saw them here? All they needed was one fangirl to pass by and their images would be all over Naver in less than a day. Which would be mortifying.

 "Trust me. Sometimes you worry so much about the business you forget to enjoy the music.When it happens, there's nothing better than drinking and belting out songs. Now be a man and take the tambourine.” Junsu said, holding out the cheap plastic tambourine which lit up as he shook it.

 He studied Junsu, whose hair was no longer the bright blond, but now a rich brown, his bangs fell over his forehead in a messy tousle, and thought — maybe he was right. Even though he was completely out of his comfort zone here for some reason just being here with Junsu made him happy. And besides, his comfort zone was not doing him any favors lately — he was here to get help, maybe it was time to just sit back and give this a try.

 "Okay, but there's no way in hell I'm using a tambourine."

Junsu stuck his lower lip out and pouted. "Awww… come on, you have to use the tambourine —" He shook the tambourine under Seung Hyun's nose. “Sad, sad, tambourine."

 "Are you doing aegyo?"

 Junsu took a step close and tapped the tambourine against Seung Hyun's chest, each thump giving a slight jingle. His eyes opened wide, and he batted his lashes for good measure.

Their proximity made Seung Hyun's heart rattle like the tiny silver cymbals, and he unconsciously took a protective step back. He was reminded of their first meeting. Which was the only reason why Seung Hyun could figure he grabbed the tambourine from Junsu. "Fine. But if you tell anyone I did this…"

 "Asa!" Junsu cheered his victory. "I'll go first!" He picked up the controller from the table, and pointed it at the wide flatscreen mounted on the wall. The peppy chords had Seung Hyun groaning again.

 "Crayon Pop? Are you kidding?"

 Junsu grinned widely at him, his eyes gleamed impishly. "Heck yeah! Just try and take yourself seriously while singing to this. Now shhh… don't try to cheat by distracting me."

 Seung Hyun stretched back on the couch and watched as Junsu jumped and laughed his way through the song, not taking himself seriously at all, all images of the sexy serious idol blown away.

 His enthusiasm and cheer was oddly catching, and Seung Hyun couldn't help but be lured in by it. By the end of the song, he'd chosen one of his own and was up with his mike, ready to go. Junsu, rather than sitting back down, proceeded to dance next to him, shaking his own light up tambourine in time to the music.

 Just like that, hours passed, with them having fun, sometimes taking turns, sometimes singing together, drinking and laughing. Seung Hyun felt as every song ticked by his tension slowly easing from his shoulders. Once he got over his inherent awkwardness, he honestly couldn't remember when he'd had such a good, easy time.

Collapsing on the couch, he coughed, trying to clear his scratchy hoarse throat. Looking concerned, Junsu immediately sat next to him. "Are you okay?"

 "Yeah, just a little tired. You wore me out."

 Junsu pulled out his phone and looked at the time. "Holy smokes! It's after 3! No wonder you're tired. We should go."

Seung Hyun held back another cough, not wanting to worry Junsu, as, now that he'd stopped moving, he realized, no, he was beginning to feel like shit. Thinking back on the last week, he knew he'd hadn't been taking good care of himself. Too much smoking, stress, and late nights. He realized that had to stop — and maybe tonight was the start of that. But for now, Junsu was right, it was time to leave, his day began in just a couple of hours. Despite that, he did not want the night to end — did not want this time, these thankfully carefree hours with Junsu to end.

He was snapped out of this thoughts as Junsu placed a hand on Seung Hyun's forehead and then his other on his own. Junsu’s hand was warm and soft on his skin. His face scrunched cutely in concentration.

 "We're both hot! Maybe I'm sick too. But… I feel fine."

In spite of himself, Seung Hyun smiled at Junsu's cuteness. The longer he was with him, the more he realized just how adorable he was. The way he talked, his excitement for life, his kindness, his funny exuberant laugh, Seung Hyun liked it all.

"We're hot because we've been dancing our asses off. I'm fine, just tired."

"Are you sure?" Junsu’s face was full of worry for him, and unlike the looks of worry he'd been getting from everyone the last few months, he was comforted. Determined, he swallowed another cough.

"Yes."

"We should go."

Seung Hyun leaned back on the couch and shook his head. "Not right now. One more song."

Junsu frowned at him. "You want to sing again?"

"Nope. I want you to sing one of your songs for me."

"Sorry, you know the rules, none of your own songs!"

"You're not the one suffering from the musical crisis." Channeling Junsu, fixed a teasing smile to his lips, cocked his head to one side and batted his eyes  "Please?"

Junsu froze and swallowed so hard even Seung Hyun could see it, before slowly nodding. "O-okay. Which one?"

He wasn't sure why he was asking Junsu to do this. Why he needed him to do this for him. But whatever part of him that Junsu had settled into wouldn't let the idea go. Breaking eye contact, Seung Hyun shrugged, putting on an air of nonchalance he certainly didn't feel. "Whatever. You pick."

With a few presses of the button, Junsu scrolled through the large list of his songs he had to choose from. With a quick look at Seung Hyun, he selected one, rose from the couch and grabbed the mike as the beginning swells of the song filled the dark room. The spotlights hit the mirrorball, sprinkling tiny little lights over him. Opening his mouth, he began to sing, and Seung Hyun was transfixed. He'd heard Junsu sing in person before, and at this point, had watched countless of his videos, but that was nothing compared to this — being there, right next to him. His voice was strong and clear — beautiful. After the first few moments, he seemed to forget where he was, it was just Junsu and his music. He began to move in time to the choreography of the song, his body moving and flowing like liquid, and Seung Hyun knew this was going to be one of those moments in his life he was never going to forget.

As the last bars of the song ended, Junsu opened his eyes and looked over at Seung Hyun, an embarrassed look on his face. "Sorry, I got a little into it there."

Seung Hyun shook his head. "Don't apologize, that was amazing. I'm never going to forget it. Thank you."

Blinking in surprise, Junsu smiled brightly. "Really? You mean that?"

"Are you surprised? 

"No!" He said quickly. "I mean, I've just liked you… I mean, I've admired you for so long, that it means a lot for you to say that."

Sung Hyun ignored the thud of his heart gave at the 'I like you' and smiled. "Thank you."

They smiled at each other for a long moment before he coughed again, and instantly a concerned look fell over Junsu's face. "It's time for you to go."

As much as Seung Hyun didn't want to go, he knew Junsu was right, it was past time for him to go home.

They packed up their stuff, and after a short tussle over the bill, which Seung Hyun won, made their way out to the lot. "Are you sure you don't want me to take you home?" Junsu asked.

"No, it's fine, I have a driver coming to pick me up. Go home."

Junsu fiddled with the door handle to his sports car. "Okay, but text me to let me know you got home okay. "

Seung Hyun nodded, then stepped back. "Now go home. Drive carefully."

 

*******

 

Bleary eyed, Seung Hyun walked through his apartment, and feeling warm, began to strip, leaving a trail of clothes behind him. Collapsing on the bed, he nudged his head deep into his pillow. Fleetingly remembering his promise, he sent a quick text to Junsu to let him know he was home. While he hadn't expected an answer, within seconds, his phone beeped back at him.

 

 **From:** **Kim Junsu  
** Sent: 4:12, February 4  
Good. Take some medicine before you go to bed.

 **From:** **T.O.P  
** Sent: 4:12, February 4  
Thanks for tonight. You were right, it was just what I needed.

 **From:** **Kim Junsu  
** Sent: 4:13, February 4  
It was fun! Now GO TO SLEEP!  
And let me know if you need anything. 

 

Despite the headache that was creeping up on him, Seung Hyun smiled at his phone.

 

******

 

A pounding on his door woke him up what felt like minutes later. Seung Hyun opened one eye to see, to his surprise, that sunlight was streaming through his window. Moving his head, he winced at the shooting pain that pierced his skull. Apparently, the cough from just a couple of hours ago had morphed into a nasty head cold.

The door banged again, and Seung Hyun slowly dragged himself out of bed, and made his way to the door, fully planning on cursing out whoever it was who felt it so necessary to wake him up. Flicking on the intercom, he saw it was Wooshik. Fuck. What time was it? He'd forgotten about his packed day. He opened the door, letting in a cranky Wooshik. "T.O.P-shi, where have you been? You're late!"

A wracking cough shuddered through him, effectively shutting up his manager.

"You're sick? You can't be sick! You're too busy today to be sick."

"Hello to you too." He turned away and shuffled off towards his bedroom. "Give me 15 minutes, and I'll be ready to go."

"You don't have 15 minutes! You have an interview in a half hour and a radio show after that. Let's go!"

"Wooshik. As you can see, I'm sick. I'm still going to work today, but I'm not going to do it without a fucking shower, at least. Call the reporter and push it back. They will understand."

Not waiting for a reply, he pulled his energy together and strode into his bedroom shutting the door firmly behind him. He did not like to pull the star routine, but he knew if you didn't stand up for yourself, management would run right over you.

Exactly fifteen minutes later, fortified with a shower and cold medicine, he left his house with a cranky Wooshik.

As expected, the interviewer was understanding with the delay, especially once she realized just how sick he was. As nice as she was though, he left the interview feeling bone weary. Today, being 'T.O.P' was just that much harder to maintain. Not to mention, halfway through, when the coffee began to churn in his stomach, he realized he hadn't actually eaten anything since yesterday.

Sitting in the back of the van once more, he pressed his throbbing head against the headrest and closed his eyes. After another wracking cough, he opened one of his eyes just a slit. "Wooshik, do we have time to eat?"

 "No." From the tone of his voice, Seung Hyun could tell that Wooshik was still irritated with him and decided not to push it. He had the radio guest hosting spot (where he hoped that chugging more cold medicine right before would get him through), a meeting, and then he was done. He'd just push through and rest when it was over.

At the radio station, he did his best, but he realized that all the cold medicine on empty stomach was probably not the best plan, as his stomach began to churn angrily. He looked forward to the moment where he could be horizontal in his bed, away from all the noise and people wanting something from him. He shivered, cold down to his bones.

His phone vibrated silently in his pocket and on one of the commercial breaks he snuck a peek at the screen. Junsu. He clicked the message open.

 

 **From:** **Kim Junsu  
** Sent: 13:26, February 4  
Kim Junsu  
Are you okay? You sound terrible.

 

Looking around the room to make sure no one was looking at him, he typed back.

 

 **From:** **Seung Hyun  
** Sent: 13:35, February 4  
You're listening?

 

The reply came back again almost instantly.

 

 **From:** **Kim Junsu  
** Sent: 13:35, February 4  
You said you were going to be on today, didn't you?

 

Seung Hyun smiled at the thought of Junsu taking time out of his own busy day to listen to him.

 

 **From:** **Seung Hyun  
** Sent: 13:36, February 4  
Thanks.

 

 **From:** **Kim Junsu  
** Sent: 13:36, February 4  
Are you okay?

  

**From:** **Seung Hyun  
** Sent: 13:36, February 4  
Fine, just a little cold.

 

 **From:** **Kim Junsu  
** Sent: 13:37, February 4  
You don't sound fine. Are you done after this?

 

 **From:** **Seung Hyun  
** Sent: 13:37, February 4  
I have a meeting.

 

 **From:** **Kim Junsu  
** Sent: 13:37, February 4  
Cancel it.

 

"T.O.P-shi?" The sound of someone speaking actually startled him, and he began to cough again. "Sorry, we're back on in one minute."

 

He nodded his understanding and looked back to his screen.

 

 **From:** **Seung Hyun  
** Sent: 13:38, February 4  
Can't.

 

 **From:** **Kim Junsu  
** Sent: 13:38, February 4  
Your health is more important than a meeting. Cancel it.

 

Top was amused at Junsu's forcefulness. For some reason, it reminded him of that first meeting and not the happy-go-lucky Junsu he’d hung out with the last few times. He got the tap on his shoulder for time and focused on the task at hand. Trying to make up his mind on what to do, in between hiding his coughs, he made it to the next break then excused himself to the bathroom.

Ducking down an empty hallway, he pulled out his phone and checked his messages.

 

 **From:** **Kim Junsu  
** Sent: 13:45, February 4  
You're sounding worse.

 

 **From:** **Kim Junsu  
** Sent: 14:03, February 4  
Are you okay?

 

 **From:** **Kim Junsu  
** Sent: 14:10, February 4  
Did you cancel your meeting yet?

 

 **From:** **Kim Junsu  
** Sent: 14:15, February 4  
HAHAHA — when you wouldn't show her your abs.  
Does she not know you at all?

 

 **From:** **Kim Junsu  
** Sent: 14:17, February 4  
Yes, since you asked, we could all hear you coughing.

 

Seung Hyun had been laughing through the stream of consciousness texts he was getting from Junsu, as he hit the last one.

 

 **From:** **Kim Junsu  
** Sent: 14:30, February 4  
I'm coming to pick you up, so make sure you cancel that appointment. Obviously, you need someone to take care of you.

 

For the first time today, Seung Hyun felt warm, and he smiled at his phone. The thought of the seemingly hapless Junsu charging off to his rescue was just too cute to handle. Shoving his phone deep into this pocket, he made his way back to the booth and Wooshik.

 "Cancel my next appointment."

 

 *******

 Junsu stamped his feet from the cold, pulling his dark hat down low and making sure his face mask was firmly in place. He checked his phone once again for the time and to see if Seung Hyun had responded to his text. Did he think he was joking? Oh, god. Or what if he weirded him out? Were his texts too much? Did he suddenly realize Junsu was just like some fangirl stalker? He couldn't help it though! As the radio show went on, Seung Hyun sounded worse and worse. Junsu frowned, thinking bad thoughts about the people who were handling — or mishandling him. He couldn't believe Seung Hyun’s managers had made him go out to work today. No, it was never a good thing to not keep your schedule, but if you're that sick…

He stood taller, as just that moment, he saw T.O.P — no, Seung Hyun he reminded himself — walk out the doors. Even with a hat and his collar turned up against the wind, Junsu could see that he was ashen, with bright pink cheeks of fever. When Seung Hyun wobbled as he tried to go down the stairs, Junsu bolted forward and at his side in an instant, clutching his arm to steady him. Through his coat, Junsu could feel the fever coming off him in waves.

"Seung Hyun! Are you okay? Do you need to go to the hospital?"

Seung Hyun shook his head. "Bed. I just need to go to bed," he said hoarsely.

"You are really sick, I'm taking you to the hospital." Junsu was freaked out — the T.O.P he usually knew was so strong and capable, like he could do anything. To see him like this was a shock.

Seung Hyun patted his hand. "It's okay, just too much cold medicine on an empty stomach."

"You haven't _eaten_?? Where is your manager?" Junsu asked sharply as he looked around for the handler who should have been here, handling his client. If he got his hands on the man who made Seung Hyun work so hard and then didn't feed him on top of that…

"I sent him home. You said you were coming to take care of me." Seung Hyun turned his head and gave him a slight smile.

Junsu felt his insides turn to warm sugary goo at Seung Hyun's words. Seung Hyun trusted him to take care of him! He didn't think him coming here was weird! He slipped his arm around Seung Hyun's back and carefully led him down the stairs — determined not to let Seung Hyun down.

As they were just about to reach his car, Seung Hyun had a coughing fit, and his body shook with the aftershock. Suddenly his legs buckled beneath him, and he began to sink to the pavement. Junsu swayed a bit, threw his other arm around him, and braced his body against his own, catching him. "T.O.P?" he said, shaking him. "T.O.P are you okay?" He felt T.O.P's head lean on his shoulder for just a moment, and Junsu quietly filed away the experience. He couldn't revel in it now, but that didn’t mean he wouldn't remember this moment for the rest of his life.

"Told you to call me Seung Hyun," Seung Hyun muttered hoarsely.

Junsu laughed a bit at his slip. "You're freaking me out, give me a break. Now let's get you in the car."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Swoon! Junsu gets all manly and take charge. You knew he had it in him, didn't you? 
> 
> I post fun TopSu stuff at [my tumblr](http://fanficjjigae.tumblr.com/), come join me!


	6. Being There

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Junsu plays nurse and Seung Hyun has...feelings.

Junsu looked down at the man tucked tightly in his bed. Seung Hyun had refused to let Junsu take him to a hospital, so they'd compromised by having Junsu's doctor make a home visit. Seung Hyun was going to have to learn that Junsu was just as stubborn as he was.

"I'll be leaving Kim Junsu-shi." The doctor came out of the bathroom, rolling down the sleeves of his shirt.

"Thank you so much for coming out, Doctor Lee." Junsu bowed deeply to him. The man had been his doctor for a long time, and Junsu trusted him completely — not just to take care of Seung Hyun, but to keep quiet about it, too. "So he's going to be okay?"

The doctor nodded. "Yes, just swap out the IV bag when it's done, and make sure he rests for at least three days. I'm talking complete rest, otherwise this could easily turn into pneumonia or bronchitis. He needs rest and plenty of fluids. Call me if his temperature spikes or if you have any questions."

"I will. Again, thank you so much."

Junsu escorted the doctor to the door and then raced back to Seung Hyun's side. Seeing sweat beading up on his forehead, Junsu then rushed to the bathroom, filled a basin with water, and brought it and a cloth back to Seung Hyun.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, careful not to tug on Seung Hyun's IV, Junsu soaked the cloth then wrung out all the extra water. Hesitantly, he reached out his fingers and brushed a damp errant curl of Seung Hyun's inky black hair away from his forehead. He briefly wondered at the unbelievable direction from reality right into fantasyland his life had taken. Never would, just a week ago, he’d imaging he'd not only know T.O.P personally but that he'd be calling him Seung Hyun as he slept in his bed? Never in a million years. Chiding himself back to reality, he smoothed the cool cloth over Seung Hyun's heated skin — over his wide forehead, his high cheekbones, his long nose. He paused just a moment before brushing over his full lips then down his long neck to the hollow of his throat.

Seung Hyun let out a soft sigh, and Junsu jerked back, chiding himself for being a big perv while Seung Hyun was basically knocking on deaths door, with only Junsu for support.

Slowly his eyes opened and focused on Junsu. "Where am I?" He asked hoarsely.

Junsu placed the towel back in the basin and then, without thinking about it, smoothed Seung Hyun's  back in into place. "You're at my house, remember?"

Seung Hyun coughed again, and Junsu grabbed the glass of juice he'd placed on the nightside. Gently, he lifted Seung Hyun's head and helped him sip before setting him back down.

"I'm sorry I'm so much trouble, I hope I didn't interrupt anything."

Junsu, in fact, had a meeting this afternoon with his lawyers (and a rehearsal for his video shoot), but as soon as he'd heard just how sick Seung Hyun had been on the air, there was absolutely no question as to where he needed to be. He'd canceled everything without a second thought. Well — with the exception of worrying Seung Hyun might see his concern as stalker-lite.

"Don't worry about it, we'll work out some sort of payment plan when you get better."

Seung Hyun smiled faintly and then slowly let his eyes drift shut.

Settling back in the chair, Junsu thought about getting one of his mangas to read but figured the chances Seung Hyun would run away screaming if he caught Junsu reading yaoi over his sickbed were pretty high. He thought about getting up for his tablet to get some work done while he sat here, but he couldn't make himself do anything except sit there, staring at his dream come to life. Then, slowly, despite himself, his eyes began to drift closed.

 

*********

 

Junsu started at the feel of something touching his leg. Jerking awake, he saw it was T.O.P, um… Seung Hyun. "Am I dreaming?" He asked his mind still half asleep.

Seung Hyun coughed, and Junsu's mind snapped back into place in time for the embarrassment to hit. "I mean, are you okay?" He reached forward and felt Seung Hyun's head, which, to him at least, seemed to be getting cooler.

"You're sleeping in the chair?" Seung Hyun asked, his voice rough from cold.

"The doctor said to keep an eye on you."

He grabbed the juice from the nightstand and made him take another sip before getting up to check the IV.

"I'm sure he didn't mean you had to watch me every second. Why don't you go sleep, I'll be okay." Seung Hyun gave him a weak smile.

Junsu shook his head stubbornly. "Are you a doctor? I know I'm not a doctor, but the doctor I do know said stay with you, and I'm staying."

"Junsu…"

Junsu sat back down on the corner of the bed gently. "Seung Hyun, Doctor Lee said if we're not careful you could get worse. I'm not going to let that happen. I would never, ever, _ever_ forgive myself."

Seung Hyun studied him for a moment, and Junsu could feel his cheeks get warm with embarrassment.

"Well, at least get in."

"What?"

"In the bed. There's no reason you have to stay up all night in the chair. Get in."

Somehow, he wasn't sure how, all of the air in the room evaporated. All of it. It was there a second ago, and then it was just gone. Climb into bed. The same bed that T.O.P was in? Sleep with Seung Hyun?

"Come on, I won't feel any better if you get sick taking care of me. Your responsibilities are just as important."

When Junsu just continued to sit there, his mind stalled, Seung Hyun grabbed his arm and pulled him across his body in an attempt to get him into the bed. Junsu found himself half straddled over Seung Hyun, his body pressed to his. He looked up, and their faces were just inches apart. Junsu swallowed hard and then nodded. "Okay." Turning slightly he braced up on his hands and knees and slowly climbed over Seung Hyun and onto his own side of the bed, shooing one of the cats away in the process. He laid down straight on his back, afraid to move.

"Junsu?"

"… yeah?"

"Thanks for taking care of me."

Junsu allowed himself, just for a moment, to turn his head to look at Seung Hyun's profile, taking in just how beautiful he was. "You're welcome."

 

*********

 

Seung Hyun's eyes slowly drifted open. His throat screamed at him, and he could feel his lungs rattling with every breath, but for some reason, he felt warm and comfortable. There was a movement next to him, and he remembered he was not alone. Looking down, there, tucked under his arm, curled up like a cat, was Junsu, sound asleep. His dark head rested on Seung Hyun's chest, the weight solid against the beat of his heart. His own arm circled Junsu's back and rested on his waist. He knew he  _ should  _ feel shocked, or at least weirded out that he was essentially cuddling with this person, this man he hardly knew, but there was something in him that felt so right

So right.

He tightened his arm around Junsu's back, and deep in sleep, Junsu shifted, snuggling closer, his head burrowing in and his own arm moving softly across Seung Hyun, until it locked on the other side, pulling him close.

Seung Hyun told himself he should move, get away, but when he moved, it was just to gently run his hand down Junsu's hair. It was silky, soft, and just like the rest of him, warm. Suddenly, he wished he could see Junsu’s face, but in his position all he could see was the back of his head. He thought about sitting up, but he was afraid to move, afraid to wake him. Whatever this was, he didn't want this moment to end.

He was unsure about his reaction to Junsu. It wasn't like he'd never slept beside another man before. In his training days and the early days of BigBang, you counted yourself lucky if you got a bed to yourself. Hell, on tour you were lucky to sleep in a bed at all. There was many a time he'd woken up in a ball with any one of the members of his band. But this was different.

This was Junsu.

He couldn't believe the extent Junsu had taken to take care of him today. Seung Hyun knew what went into putting out an album. He knew what Junsu had to have dropped in order to be at his side. He wasn't sure if he had anyone else in his life who'd be willing to do that. He hadn't felt this cared for since he lived at home. Which was a long time ago.

He let himself stroke his hand one more time down Junsu's hair before forcing his eyes closed and ordering himself to go back to sleep.

When Seung Hyun woke up later, Junsu, looking freshly showered, was back in the chair, busily working on a tablet. Seung Hyun shifted, trying to get comfortable, and Junsu looked up from whatever he was working on and smiled hesitantly at him. "How are you feeling?" he asked in a low tone.

For a moment, Seung Hyun took stock. He still felt like shit, but he no longer felt like he wanted to die like he did yesterday. "Better."

"Good. Are you ready for some food?"

At the mention of it, Seung Hyun's stomach rumbled in response, and Junsu laughed.

"The tummy has spoken! I'll be right back."

Slowly, wincing at the throb of his head, Seung Hyun sat up gently and took in his surroundings. Dark, rich curtains were closed, shutting the room from the light of day. A lamp threw off a low light. And there, sitting at the edge of the bed, were two cats. Watching him suspiciously.

From the other room, he could hear the clatter of dishes, and then Junsu came through the door carrying a tray. "I don't really know what you like, so I hope it's okay."

"Anything’s good, I'm starving."

Junsu carefully set down the tray, which held a steaming bowl of abalone porridge, and Seung Hyun’s stomach rumbled loudly again. Grabbing the spoon he scooped a large spoonful into his mouth. It might be because he hadn't eaten in… he didn't know how long, but it tasted amazing. Unable to resist, he began eating as fast as he could.

"You need to take better care of yourself," Junsu said, watching him, his tone serious. "The doctor said this could have been a lot worse."

"I know," he said between bites. "My schedule has just been crazy."

"No excuse," Junsu said. "You can't let them treat you like that."

"It's my own fault. I wasn't paying attention." Or more, his attention was captured elsewhere.

Junsu poured him more juice and placed it on the rapidly emptying tray. "In the future, if you get like this, or if you need food — or anything — call me."

The bowl empty, Seung Hyun placed the spoon back down on the tray and looked into Junsu's serious face, which just managed to make him look more adorable. "Junsu, you don't need to take care of me."

Junsu crossed his arms over his chest. "Well, if no one is going to do it for you, I will. Call me. Promise."

"You're just as busy as I am…"

"You will call me," he said stubbornly. "I might not be able to help directly. But I will help."

Seung Hyun was again warmed by just how caring Junsu was. But the stubborn thrust of his bottom lip, which could almost be a pout, also made him want to laugh.

"Fine."

Junsu smiled brightly. "Really?" He stuck out his pinky finger expectantly. "Promise."

"Promise."

At Junsu's wiggle of the hand, Seung Hyun sighed and reached out, hooking his own pinky with Junsu's. The brush of his finger was warm, and a small jolt ran down Seung Hyun's arm. He had was hit with the suspicion he might have just made a big mistake.

With a shake of the hand, sealing the deal, Junsu pulled his hand away and then reached for the phone, which rested on the nightstand. "Now, call whoever you need to call to let them know you are not going to work for three days."

"THREE DAYS? I can't be sick for three days," Seung Hyun said before breaking into another coughing fit. "I have…" He broke it off at the return of the stubborn look on Junsu's face. "Junsu, I can't…"

"The doctor said three days. Or you could get sicker and be out for weeks. Take your pick." He held out the phone for him. Seung Hyun stopped, calculating. Junsu shrugged. "You might as well give in. I might be cute, but I play to win."

Despite himself, Seung Hyun laughed. "You might be cute…"

"Besides. I've already taken the day off in order to take care of you. If I can do it, so can you."

He’d already taken the day off? To take care of him? Again, Seung Hyun was floored by the depth of Junsu's caring.

"Okay."

 

*********

 

Their day together was fun. Or as fun as it could be with him being so sick. Junsu, one by one, carried his cats into the room, introducing Seung Hyun to all of them. They chatted when they could about music, their families,  and sports before  just settling in to watch a movie together. Junsu kept bringing him delicious food to eat, apparently sure that all he needed to get better was warm food. After about the fourth ‘snack’ Seung Hyun knew he was going to have to hand his ass over to Hwangssabu, the YG trainer after this.

After some tough negotiations, Junsu finally caved and gave Seung Hyun a spare set of clothes before allowing him to head off to the shower. The shower was large and glassed in, with two separate shower heads pounding water down on him. The heat and steam felt wonderful on his still-aching body. He closed his eyes and just let the hot water sooth him.

Sorting through the products stacked neatly along the edge, Seung Hyun flicked open the lid to a bottle of bodywash. The orangey scent of Junsu filled the space around him. He closed his eyes and breathed in deeply. Pouring some into his hand he began to rub the gel into his skin, leaving bubbles in it's wake. His mind was brought back to last night, with Junsu curled at his side. Slowly, he rubbed his hand, and the scent of Junsu, over the places he'd touched. His chest, where Junsu's head had laid, across his stomach, where his arm had clutched him.

Junsu.

Junsu…

With a start he jerked himself out of his thoughts. What the fuck was he doing? Junsu was just being nice to him. That was all. He was acting like he was gay or something. Which he wasn't. He really wasn't.

Right?

He rinsed away the bubbles and wished he could wash away his thoughts just as easily.

 

*********

 

Since he was up and beginning to feel better, Junsu allowed him to lay on the couch while he made yet another meal. Inside, despite his swirling thoughts, he did have to laugh at the different facets of Junsu. On the one hand, he packed more aegyo than any girl group member, but his will was strong and almost unbendable. Watching him putter around the kitchen, Seung Hyun idly stroked one of the many cats who always seemed right in reach.

"How did you get so many cats?" he asked.

"Hmmm?" Junsu looked up from the pot he was stirring, his face pink from steam.

"Cats. Where did you get them?"

Junsu smiled broadly. "Most of them are strays that I adopted. I hate to think of kittens stuck outside with no home, in the cold."

"Who takes care of them when you're away?"

"I have an agreement with the doorman. He comes and feeds and plays with them when I'm away, and I get him tickets to his favorite girl groups." He shrugged. "I don't want someone to just come in and feed them. They like people, I want to make sure someone comes and makes them feel good."

"Are you stopping with five?"

"Yeah, allergies. Although I am going to take care of Jaejoong's cat when he goes to the military."

"You guys are really close?"

Junsu stopped stirring the pot and his smile faded leaving a weary sadness.  "We had to be. I don't think you can make it through what we did — what we still have to deal with — without being close."

Unlike the last time they talked about this, by now Seung Hyun had read up on exactly what Junsu had gone through with his fight with SM. Not for the first time, Seung Hyun thanked god YG was the one who accepted him — even if he’d had to change himself in order for that to happen.

"Do you think that SM will ever let it go?"

Sadly, Junsu shook his head. "No. They can't. Not only will their pride not take it, they think it will set a dangerous precedent."

"Aren't more people doing it anyway?" It seemed like nowadays the news was always filled with bands suing their management companies.

"We hope so. While it's been really hard for us, it showed how bad these contracts can be. Maybe show some of these kids coming up in the systems now that they have options. Maybe show some of the management companies that they need to take care of their people better."

"You want to be a role model?" Seung Hyun figured there couldn’t be a better one.

Junsu looked up from the rice he was dishing into bowls and shrugged, thinking about it. "I want to make music. I want to be a good person. And if I can make lots of money while doing it? Awesome."

They sat down to eat, and Seung Hyun thought of Junsu's words. Thought of the path he'd been forced down — and yet he still kept smiling. Still kept pushing forward. It was remarkable.

Junsu wagged a finger at him before forcing a long silver spoon into his hand. "Now, if you're a good boy and eat all your dinner, I'll let you choose the next movie."

Seung Hyun smiled.

After Junsu considered him adequately fed and watered, Seung Hyun found himself bundled back in Junsu's bed, the night stand piled high with tissues, juice and tea, medicines, a humidifier, and a snack, in case he got hungry. He lay back on the pile of pillows and watched Junsu putter around the room, keeping up his usual steady stream of chatter.

"What would you like to watch?" he asked, finally coming to a stop at the foot of the bed.

Seung Hyun thought about it for a moment and then smiled at Junsu. "Choose your favorite."

"What?" Junsu instantly had that deer in the headlights look that always made Seung Hyun feel just a little bit smug for putting it there.

"Your favorite movie. And not one of those movies people choose because they think it makes them look cool to others."

"I wouldn't do that!"

As it was Junsu, Seung Hyun realized he was right, he probably wouldn't do that, it wouldn't occur to him to be fake like that. "I want to know what your all time favorite movie is." And that was true. With every tidbit he learned, he just wanted to learn more. He found himself wanting to know everything about this person.

And maybe, if he was lucky, once he did, this weird obsession would go away and he could get back to his normal life. His Junsu-less life. A small knot sat in his stomach at the thought of it.

He watched Junsu think about it for a moment before he clapped his hands together in excitement. "I got it!" He ran out of the room and came back moments later, a thick DVD case and a cat in his hands. "Close your eyes!"

"What?"

Junsu dropped the cat on the bed and gave him a pat on the head, then turned to the DVD player. "No peeking!"

With a shake of his head, Seung Hyun complied and listened to the noise of Junsu setting up the movie. One of the cats butted its head against his hand, and he complied, rubbing his fingers under the cat's jaw. The bed rustled, and he could feel Junsu climb in next to him.

"Ready?"

"Ready." Seung Hyun had no idea what he’d let himself in for. Some documentary on cats?

Suddenly, a very familiar tune filled the air, and his eyes flew open. "Star Wars?" He looked at Junsu who now looked hesitant. "Your favorite movie is Star Wars?"

"You don't like it?"

Seung Hyun laughed. "I love this movie!" Instantly, Junsu beamed at him.

"Really? You like it too?"

"Come on, I'm a guy aren't I? This series is awesome!"

With that, they settled back onto the bed, sitting almost close enough for their shoulders to touch. Seung Hyun made himself ignore the warmth that was pouring off Junsu and focus on the movie.

 

*********

 

Seung Hyun tried to fall asleep, but he was getting to that point in the cold where there was a near constant tickle in the back of his throat that no liquid or cough medicine would touch. They'd made their way through the first movie and had decided to try and make it through the second one. Casually, he glanced over at Junsu and watched as, with every long blink, his head began to droop. Periodically, he'd wake up enough to pick his head back up, but then the cycle would begin again.

Slowly, inch by inch, Junsu began to lean towards him, until his bobbing head came to rest on Seung Hyun's shoulder. Seung Hyun froze in place. After spending an entire day with him, it was weird to see Junsu so still. He was always moving or talking, almost like he just couldn't stop moving.

The weight of his head felt comfortable on his shoulder, and Seung Hyun moved his head, just a fraction, and allowed his cheek to rub the top of Junsu's head. Junsu's head burrowed closer to him in response. His eyes were completely closed now and his breath had turned heavy and deep, as he slipped from dozing to a deep sleep.

Seung Hyun’s attention to the movie was instantly gone and he just studied Junsu. Seung Hyun had never really thought of a man as beautiful before, but he couldn’t deny that’s exactly what a sleeping Junsu was. His perfectly sculpted features reminded him of a marbled sculpture come to life. His surprisingly long lashes dusted the tops of his cheeks. Almost on it's own, Seung Hyun’s hand jerked toward Junsu, and he allowed himself to gently rub the pad of his thumb over his high cheekbones, touching those thick lashes, before brushing lightly against Junsu's smooth bottom lip.

What was he doing, he asked himself? But he shoved those thoughts away. Those thoughts were for the morning. For the light of day. Tonight? Just this once, he was going to allow himself to do what he wanted. He never knew when he'd get a chance like this again. So, just for tonight, he was just going to do what felt right.

With his thumb he traced the pert line of Junsu’s top lip before returning once again to the fullness of his bottom lip.

Junsu turned slightly into him and just like this morning, reached his arm out until it snaked across Seung Hyun's waist, clutching him tightly. Seung Hyun dropped his hand from Junsu's face down to the exposed skin on his arm. He ran his fingers over the smooth warm skin, softly feeling the muscles just beneath the surface. Resting his head against Junsu's he let his fingers trace along the Junsu’s fingers, studying how long and slender they were.

Junsu moved again, murmuring softly, and Seung Hyun jerked his fingers back, his rational mind fighting through whatever cloud he’d let himself fall into, reality berating him for acting like some sort of idiot. He looked back at Junsu, now completely curled into him, like the cats he loved so much. In the movement, his pajama top had come partially unbuttoned, revealing the pearly white skin of his shoulder. Gently, Seung Hyun grabbed the edge of the blanket and tucked it around them.

Deliberately, he turned back to the movie. Whatever, he told himself, whatever, this was fine. He could handle it. This was nothing. Junsu was nothing to him. Just a friend. And that was true, he realized. Through whatever the fuck it was he was doing right now, he'd come to like Junsu, the man, a lot, and he was happy for the friendship they'd been able to find with each other. So he'd better not mess it up with any of these weird… feelings.

 

*********

 

Junsu woke up in stages. Mornings were never his favorite, so he liked to just lay there and be cozy for as long as possible before he had to get up and start his day. Today, he was particularly comfortable, he must have found the T.O.P pillow during the night and wrapped himself around it. T.O.P…

His eyes flashed open.

Nope, no T.O.P pillow, but instead, he found himself wrapped around a very real, very awake Seung Hyun. Embarrassment flooded into him. He realized he was cuddled right up next to him, his head tucked onto Seung Hyun’s chest, the thump of his heart heavy beneath his ear, his arm clutching the man to him as if he had claimed him as his own, his leg… Oh kittens. Where exactly was his leg tucked? How long had he been like this? Was Seung Hyun mad at him? Then his brain skittered to a stop.

He didn't try to touch… anything else did he? When he was sleeping?

Good Lord. He was beyond mortified and he could feel his face flame in embarrassment. Why couldn't he be normal for one single minute?

"Are you going to let me go?" Seung Hyun asked him, and Junsu winced again and threw himself backwards, trying to get as much space between them on the bed as possible. Which is how a normal, not creepy-creeper would have stayed while sleeping.

"I'm so sorry, I had no idea…"

Seung Hyun cocked an eyebrow at him. "I didn't think you cuddled with strangers on purpose."

The strangers comment hurt almost enough to make him forget about the embarrassment. He didn't think of them as strangers. He never had. But that was something else he wasn't going to say to Seung Hyun.

He forced a smile to his lips. "Actually, I'm a cuddler, it's like a sickness. Yoochun says I take after my cats."

Seung Hyun turned away from him and climbed out of the bed, padding off to the bathroom. Junsu did a face plant into a pillow, mentally berating himself. He was sure after the mountain of embarrassment passed, he'd be able to enjoy the fact he'd totally cuddled with Seung Hyun, but now? He was pretty sure if the earth decided to open up and swallow him whole, he'd be okay with that. Everything had been going so well! He'd managed to almost forget that it was T.O.P he was taking care of and began to learn about the actual person behind the name. Thought maybe he’d got Seung Hyun to do the same and now? Who knows.

The phone on his nightstand rang, and he blindly reached out and grabbed it. "Hello?" he said, his voice muffled by pillow .

"Junsu? Are you okay?"

Junsu abruptly sat back up. "Yoochun."

"What is going on?" Yoochun said, his voice full of concern. "I just heard you canceled your schedule for the last two days?"

"Ugh. My manager is such a tattletale. And it was only a day and a half."

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." He had no idea how to explain what was going on to his friend. He had a sneaky suspicion that if he tried it would sound pretty stupid.  _ Remember my crush on T.O.P? Well, now I'm his secret muse and last night I totally slept with him. _

"You might as well spill, Junsu. We both know you can't keep anything from me for long."

Sigh. Yoochun was right, he was such a blabbermouth.

"I'm fine, I just had something come up for a couple of days."

"A couple of days? You are going to work today aren't you?"

… Junsu didn't say anything.

"Don't you have a Toscana meeting today?"

Crap! He’d totally forgotten about that. What was he going to do? He didn't want to leave Seung Hyun alone for that long, but Yoochun was right, he couldn't miss that meeting.

He sighed, there was only one option. "Yoooochun…" He said in his best aegyo. "I need you to do me a favor. But you can't ask questions, I'll fill you in later." He'd be mortified if Seung Hyun walked in and overheard anything embarrassing — he’d had enough of that for one day. "Please? Pretty please?"

"What is it?" Yoochun asked warily.

"I have a…" He shot a look at the bathroom door. "Friend who is sick at my house. I don't want to leave them alone. Would you come by and check up on them?"

"Junsu, what have you got yourself into this time?" Yoochun was clearly suspicious. He often told Junsu he was too caring, too trusting, too everything. It's why he'd set himself up as the watchdog of the group, like their collective big brother.

"Nothing! Just do me this favor." The sounds of water turned off in the bathroom. "I've got to go. Plllleeease, Yoochun."

"Fine, but you'd better fill me in — and soon — Junsu."

"Promise!"

Clicking off the phone, Junsu tossed it to the bed and bounded up. It was probably best not to let Seung Hyun catch him lounging in the bed where Junsu’d sexually harassed him. Scooping up Leo from the floor, he hurried over to the closet to find an outfit that said, "I may look fabulous, but I will cut you if you try to get in my way." He shoved through some coat hangers, grabbing at a pair of pants. The motion tugged at something, and all of a sudden the T.O.P pillow he had shoved in there the other night — before he had deposited the real thing on his bed — fell to the floor. The bathroom door clicked open, and Junsu hastily flung the pillow up to the top shelf and then slammed the door behind him.

"What's going on?" Seung Hyun asked.

Junsu whirled around, his face on fire. For once, he'd like to not embarrass himself in front of Seung Hyun. "Nothing! Um. How are you feeling?"

Seung Hyun, looking cute and  freshly washed, and thank god, not looking like he was emotionally scarred from whatever Junsu might have done while sleeping, seemed suspicious. "Better. A lot better, thank you." He then coughed as if his body was rejecting the lie.

Junsu hurried over to him and put his hand on on Seung Hyun's warm forehead. "Hmm… you don't seem to have a fever anymore."

"It's just a cough that's left, I promise. It's because I had someone taking such good care of me." He smiled down at Junsu, and Junsu resisted the urge to throw his arms around him. It was like every nerve in his body chanted, “Kiss him, kiss him, kiss him!” To make sure he didn't, Junsu stepped back a few paces and tossed his clothes onto the bed.

"Are you going somewhere?" Seung Hyun asked.

"Yeah, I'm sorry, I forgot I have an important meeting that I can't get out of."

"Oh." Did Seung Hyun look… disappointed? Junsu talked himself out of that thought.

"I'm sorry, but I promise, I'll be back as soon as I can. And I’ll bring you back a surprise…"

"Junsu, it's okay, you don't have to baby me," Seung Hyun said. "I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself."

"You promised you'd stay until you were better," Junsu said simply. He stepped forward again and grabbed Seung Hyun's arm, looking deep into his eyes. "I'll worry about you if you leave. So please. Please don't break that promise to me." He knew he sound silly and needy but he needed Seung Hyun to keep that promise to him. He didn't know how much time they would have together, but he could depend on these three days. In the future, when… whatever this was ... had passed, he would have these days in his memory.

Not blinking, Seung Hyun nodded. "Okay, I'll stay."

Junsu smiled to hide his sigh of relief. "Great. Now let's go get you some breakfast."

 

*********

 

After another Junsu face-stuffing, Seung Hyun found himself tucked back in bed, again with everything he might possibly need by his side, channel changer in hand. He'd practically had to order Junsu from the room so he could make his meeting on time. He tried to watch some TV, but nothing caught his eye. and finally giving up, he closed his eyes and let himself drift back to sleep.

Sometime later, he was woken to the sound of a frantic scratching. Trying to figure out where the sound was coming from, Seung Hyun climbed out of the bed and wandered the room. At the closet door, he heard a plaintive cat's cry. Opening the door, the golden Leo shot out. Seung Hyun reached down to pet the irritated cat. "Did you get locked in there, buddy?"

After a few pats, the cat stalked off, leaving Seung Hyun at the closet.

He looked into the small room lined with racks of clothes. He wandered in and let his fingers brush the clothes as he walked by. Reaching a shelving unit filled with various types of shoes, he picked up a sneaker and placed it to his own foot. They both had a thing for shoes, he thought, thinking of his own collection at home. He passed a giant framed photograph of Junsu with his two bandmates, looking fresh and happy. Yoochun was hugging Junsu in the photo and feeling slightly irritated, Seung Hyun flicked the forehead of the smiling man.

Behind him, he heard something hit the floor, and he jerked around in surprise at the noise. On the floor was what looked like an oddly shaped pillow. Bending down to pick it up, he flipped it over. And was shocked. It was him.

Or him, in pillow form.

As the  _ Still Alive _ version of T.O.P, complete with his ice cream hair, looked up at him, his mind raced. What was this doing here? How did Junsu get it? But more importantly, why was it here? It was either a gift or something that he’d bought himself. Why would someone buy him a T.O.P pillow? As a joke? Did Junsu tell someone about what they were doing? Idols were given stuffed animals all the time from fans — but you didn't give gifts of stuff showing members from other random bands. If Junsu bought it for himself? Why? Could it be…? Did he…?

_ Like him? _

Seung Hyun's brain stopped in place. He put the pillow to his face and breathed in — and as he’d thought (feared?), the scent of oranges wafted up to him. Junsu liked him? His heart raced hard in his chest. He wasn't sure what this meant. Or even how he thought about that. There was part of him that was weirdly pleased, but the other part? The shoutier part? Was freaked the fuck out.

From the distance, Seung Hyun heard the bleep-bleep-bleep of the front door lock.

Junsu was back!

He tossed the pillow back up to the shelf and raced back to the bed and dove into the covers. What should he do? What should he say? He was not ready to face Junsu right now.

As the footsteps got closer and closer, Seung Hyun tried to force his heart from racing. "Chill out," he told himself. "Chill out." This was Junsu, his friend. The friend who had gone above and beyond in taking care of him the last two days. The one who'd canceled his own schedule to make sure he was okay.

He was also the one who'd held Seung Hyun tight while he slept the last two nights. But Seung Hyun was also the one who hadn't pushed away. Who had… looked forward to it?

Step.

Step.

Step.

Junsu got closer to the bedroom. And Seung Hyun decided to go with cool. He was cool. This was cool. It didn't matter that Junsu had a T.O.P pillow. T.O.P was awesome. Why wouldn't he have a T.O.P pillow? There was nothing weird going on here.

"What did you bring me?" he called out, amping up the bravado — and then, in an instant, the bravado was gone when the man, who was decidedly not Junsu, walked in the door.

" _ Yoochun _ ."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh the feelz! Serious squeeee moments over here. About time guys! 
> 
> I post fun TopSu stuff at [my tumblr](http://fanficjjigae.tumblr.com/), come join me!


	7. You Put One Foot In, You Take One Foot Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yoochun is NOT pleased to find T.O.P, the man who made Junsu cry lounging in Junsu's bed. Seung Hyun goes to his go-to place, over reacting. Junsu is left to put everything back together.

Yoochun, irritated, punched in Junsu’s passcode and yanked open the door. What had Junsu gotten himself mixed up in now? Pausing briefly to remove his shoes, he strode through the apartment, searching for whoever it was who had convinced Junsu to drop all of his responsibilities in order to ‘take care of them.’

It wasn’t like he thought Junsu was a kid, okay, yeah, so maybe he did. Junsu was like a big kid who liked and trusted everyone, who would drop everything if someone needed him, and because of that, he was easily taken advantage of. As Yoochun loved that innocent part of Junsu, he found himself doing everything he could in order to protect it. To protect him — if even from himself.

He pushed back his sleeves, ready to do battle.

Finding no one in the living room, he heard a noise coming from Junsu’s room. This person was in Junsu’s bedroom?? Dodging the swarm of cats that had come to meet him, he stalked to the bedroom door. As he reached the doorway, he heard an oddly familiar voice call out, “What did you bring me?”  _ What did he bring him? _ His irritation went from simmer to boil. Whoever it was certainly wasn’t up to any good. Through the irritation, he paused for just a moment — trying to place the voice, trying to have some idea what he was about to walk in on. Shaking it off, he burst through the door. And immediately froze.

There, lying in the middle of Junsu’s bed, wearing the pajamas Yoochun himself had given Junsu, was the rapper, T.O.P, looking pretty much as shocked as Yoochun felt.

“How did you get in?” T.O.P asked.

How did he get in here? How did  _ he  _ get in here? Who was this guy to be asking a question like that?

“I have Junsu’s passcode. What are you doing here?”

Yoochun watched as T.O.P’s face darkened as he pulled himself fully upright on the bed. Junsu’s bed.. “I… was sick. Junsu… helped me out.”

“Junsu helped you out? You being sick is the reason Junsu bailed on two days of his schedule?”

T.O.P cleared his throat. “I didn’t ask him to do that.”

“People don’t need to ask Junsu to do anything,” Yoochun snapped out at him. “Junsu’s one of the nicest people in the world, and he’ll do anything for anybody. And he gets taken advantage of a lot because of it.”

How did these two even meet? Just two weeks ago, Junsu was in that other room almost in tears over what this asshole had said to him. And now he’s sitting there all high and mighty in his bed while Junsu apparently serves him? Did he know just how in love Junsu was with him? Jerk. He probably did. If this guy thought he could use Junsu’s feelings like that…

T.O.P threw back the blankets and jumped out of the bed. “You think I’m taking advantage of Junsu?”

Yoochun shrugged. “I don’t know. I just know that Junsu takes his responsibilities very seriously, and because of, apparently, you, he missed three meetings and almost missed a court date today.”

He could see that made T.O.P pause for a moment. “He missed a court date?”

“Yeah, he’s being sued, didn’t you know that?”

T.O.P shook his head. “No, we… never talked about it.”

“Junsu has a lot going on right now, he doesn’t have time to disappear for days.”

“Hey, I said I never told him to do that,” T.O.P said stubbornly.

“Maybe not. Junsu can’t help but try to help those in need. Even to his own detriment. But that’s what I’m here for.” He crossed his arms and gave T.O.P a hard glare. “It’s my job to be the one who takes care of Junsu.”

“Those in need…” T.O.P froze for a moment before shaking his head. He reached over and grabbed a pile of clothes that were neatly folded on the chair. “Well, you don’t have to worry about me. I won’t be bothering Junsu again.” With that, he walked out of the room, his shoulder bumping hard against Yoochun’s as he passed. “Tell Junsu… tell Junsu I said thanks.”

With that, he was gone. A few seconds later, Yoochun heard the beep-beep-beep of the lock as T.O.P left the apartment.

What was going on here? He had no idea. But whatever it was? It needed to stop before Junsu’s heart got stomped on… again.

*********

Seung Hyun left Junsu’s apartment building and started walking down the sidewalk, not actually sure where he was. He tossed his jacket on, zipped it securely, and pulled the collar up around his nose. Reaching into his pockets, he pulled out his sunglasses and a wool cap. It was all he needed now, for someone to recognize him as he wandered the streets of Seoul in his pajamas.

In Junsu’s pajamas.

_ Fuck, _ he thought to himself as he crammed the hat on his head. What just happened? Forget just, what was happening to his life? He’d obviously taken some sort of left turn, some gay left turn. But whatever it was — stopped right now. He was T.O.P. He didn’t become obsessed with people. He certainly didn’t become obsessed with men. And he was absolutely, fucking certain, he was no one who was spoken to like that.

Just who did Yoochun think he was? Did he think he owned Junsu? And where did he get off thinking Seung Hyun was taking advantage of him? Had Seung Hyun asked for this to happen? Did he tell Junsu to abandon his work to take care of him? Fuck no.

_ But you knew, _ a little part of his brain talked back to him.  _ You know what a schedule is like for an artist on this level, especially for one with a new album in the works. You knew, and you didn’t care. You wanted him to take care of you. _

Seung Hyun shook his head violently, as if to try and shake the thought out of his head. No. He was not looking for this thing — whatever it was — with Junsu. He wanted to be his friend. And if Junsu had wanted… or expected, more, then that was his own fault.

He thought of the T.O.P pillow he’d found just before Yoochun had come in. And what was that shit about? Why did he have something like that? Did Junsu really like him like that?

So what if he did? It’s not like Seung Hyun was gay. Hell no.

Seung Hyun kicked a rock in his path, and it launched into a light pole before hitting a parked car. Looking around to see if anyone saw, he ducked his head and walked away faster towards… somewhere. Where the fuck was he? He pulled out his phone and turned it on for the first time in days. As if waiting for him it almost immediately began to ring.

“Where are you?” Wooshik demanded.

Since Seung Hyun didn’t know how to answer that, he bypassed the question. “I’m fine, thanks for asking.”

‘Where have you been? Everyone has been looking for you.”

“I’ve been recovering, I told you I was sick. Do you want my doctor’s note?”

“You canceled your schedule just because you were sick? That’s completely irresponsible.”

He thought back to what Junsu said. That if he didn’t take care of himself, no one around him would. “I was sick. You know it. You saw me get sicker and sicker and did nothing. That’s not going to happen again or I’ll get a new manager. Do you understand?”

He’d never spoke to his manager this way, and it oddly felt good. Freeing. He thought about all the times he’d been sick and had been pushed harder and harder. The time where he’d cut himself so badly filming  _ Commitment _ , where he’d lost so much blood and was rushed into surgery. And yet, was still expected to go back to work the next day. No. In this, Junsu was right.

“I’ll be back at the studio tonight, and you can start filling my schedule tomorrow.” Without waiting for an answer, he hung up the phone.

He looked at the phone in his hand. Gritting his teeth, he pulled up Junsu’s number. A vision popped in his mind just a moment — the sight of Junsu curled up against his side, his arm clutching him tightly. Seung Hyun closed his eyes as if to shield himself from it. No, no that didn’t mean anything.

He typed out a fast message. His thumb paused over the send button. His last chance to back out. With a deep breath, he sent the message and quickly turned his phone off. That’s it, he told himself. Whatever this was is done now. It was time to get back to real life.

He shoved his phone deep into his pocket and broke out into a run.

*********

Junsu stepped out of his lawyer's office and stretched. These meetings were so boring! Why did they need him there, it’s not like he understood anything that they were saying anyway.

He bowed and smiled at some passing fans who were giggling madly at each other, trying to pretend they didn’t know who he was. He had some great fans. Which reminded him, he hadn’t had a fan meeting here in Seoul in a while, he should have his company set one up for him. He’d had so much fun at one Toscana had hosted the previous weekend. He loved his fans!

His phone rang, and he turned away, digging it from his pocket. Maybe it was Seung Hyun! He wondered how he was doing. In the meeting, he’d kicked himself for forgetting to call Yoochun to let him know what was going on. As soon as Junsu had gotten into the car with his manager, he’d been distracted with the replanning of the events he’d skipped the last few days. There were a few ruffled feathers he’d had to smooth — but he didn’t regret it for a single second. He was happy to have been able to be there for Seung Hyun. He was happy for every second he was able to spend with him.

“Hello?” He was, for probably the first time ever, disappointed to be speaking with Yoochun.

“What was T.O.P doing in your bed?” Junsu’s eyes bugged out and he looked around to see if there was anyone who overheard. Which wouldn’t be hard with Yoochun using his shouty voice.

“I told you. I was taking care of him.”

“How do you even know him?”

“I ah… met up with him. We’ve been… hanging out.”

“Hanging out?”

“Ah. Yeah.” He wasn’t sure why he was so hesitant to tell Yoochun everything. Seung Hyun probably didn’t want it to get out that he was having trouble writing. Not that Yoochun was a blabber mouth. No! He felt bad for even thinking something like that. It made him uncomfortable to be keeping anything from Yoochun, it just felt so wrong — he told everything to Yoochun and Jaejoong.

This was different though. Seung Hyun was special.

“Isn’t he the same guy who was a dick to you just the other day?” Yoochun asked.

“It was just a misunderstanding,” Junsu insisted. “He apologized to me. He really didn’t mean it. He was just in a bad mood. He’s really a super nice person in real life.”

“Let’s put that aside for a moment and go back to, what was he doing in your bed, Junsu? You can’t tell me that he’s gay too.”

Junsu’s cheeks turned pink, thinking of this morning and the feeling of waking up in Seung Hyun’s arms. He felt like if he closed his eyes he could still feel him, still smell him. That smell… it was like Seung Hyun was right there beside him. With that he closed his eyes and took a deep breath — then realized it was himself he smelled. Seung Hyun had washed in his body wash. Junsu laughed at himself for a moment. Idiot.

“JUNSU!” Yoochun exclaimed. “Are you sleeping with T.O.P?”

A thought dawned on him, and Junsu’s heart stopped. “Where are you right now? Are you with him right now? Are you saying this in front of him?”

“He left.”

It took a second for the words to sink in. “What do you mean he left?” Junsu’s mind raced. What happened?

“…I don’t know. I came here to check on him, and he just left.”

Junsu bolted for the car. He had to go… where? Where would he go? He didn’t know where Seung Hyun lived. Slamming the door behind him, he tried to steady himself. “Do you know where he went?”

“He didn’t say.”

“I have to go.”

“Junsu…”

Junsu didn’t wait to hear what Yoochun had to say. He wasn’t in the mood to answer any questions. Clicking off the call, he saw that he had a text message. From Seung Hyun. He breathed a sigh of relief. It was okay. Despite his initial relief, Junsu found himself almost afraid to read it. Telling himself not to be so silly, he swiped at the screen.

 

**From:** **Seung Hyun** **  
** **Sent: 14:30, February 6** **  
** Junsu--had to go. Thnx for taking care of me.   
Sorry for the inconvenience--T.O.P

 

This time, for real, his heart stopped. What did this mean? Seung Hyun had promised Junsu he’d stay. He  _ promised _ . And why did he sign it T.O.P? Since they’d started meeting, he’d insisted Junsu call him Seung Hyun. It was funny. After years of knowing him as T.O.P, of fantasizing about T.O.P, after cuddling up to that dumb T.O.P pillow over the last week, he’d become attached to Seung Hyun, like he was on the inner circle of a really good secret. And this reverting back to T.O.P felt like a giant wall suddenly being thrust between them.

Was it him? Was it something he had done? Was it… this morning? He started to breath hard, in a panic. Did Seung Hyun realize Junsu was gay? Was he grossed out by it? By him? That had to be it. It’s the only thing that made sense. Seung Hyun  _ knew _ , and he’d run leaving nothing but a text message behind.

Junsu bowed his head, and a tear trickled down his cheek.

*********

Junsu tried not to stare down at his phone. Two weeks. Two weeks without a single word from Seung Hyun.

T.O.P, he bitterly reminded himself yet again. Apparently, they weren’t friends. He didn’t deserve to think of him as Seung Hyun.

He tried to throw himself back into his work, but at odd times he found himself thinking of him. Thinking of their time together. Thinking of Seung Hyun lying there, on his bed, letting his cats climb all over him like he was a mountain they needed to conquer. They weren’t that much different from their dad, Junsu thought before kicking himself yet again for his lack of control. He knew his time with Seung… T.O.P wouldn’t have lasted forever, but he’d never thought it, whatever it had been, would end so quickly. And though he’d only known the real man for no more than a week, it seemed like there was a giant Seung Hyun-shaped hole in his world.

“JUNSU!”

Junsu shook himself out of his thoughts and looked over at his choreographer. “Where did you go?”

“What?”

“I’ve been calling you for like five minutes now. And you just sat there.” He wriggled his eyebrows at him. “This can only mean one thing.”

“What?” Junsu was having trouble following his friend. He set down his phone and the water bottle and stretched, readying himself for the next round of the punishing practices he’d scheduled.

“You have a girlfriend, don’t you?”

Junsu froze. “WHAT?”

Jung Min nudged him and smiled knowingly. “You’ve been spacy, you keep checking your phone, and you never want to hang anymore. Come on man, you can tell me. Is she pretty? An S-line?”

A vision of Seung Hyun in a girl idol pose, winking at him, popped into his head, and, despite everything, he laughed out loud at the image. He laughed so hard his knees nearly buckled, and tears streamed down his cheeks.

“What’s so funny?”

Getting his giggles under control Junsu shook his head. “Nothing.” He wiped his face. “No girlfriend, just a project I’m working on. Now let’s get back to work.”

His mood brighter than it had been in a while, he stepped out on the floor and threw himself into the dance practice.

Though he usually prefered driving himself around to his schedule, today he’d had so much crammed in, he had allowed his manager to drive him around in the nanny van. After dance practice, he met his estate agent to check out another building he was thinking of purchasing, and then met with his stylist for a new color treatment.

“I’m thinking blue. But not really blue, like a greeeny blue.” Junsu looked at the reflection of the stylist in the mirror as she poked at Junsu’s hair like it was a being, separate from himself.

“Greeny blue?” He tried to picture it in his head.

“Something like this.” The stylist pulled out a hair sample and put it up against Junsu’s hair.

Junsu studied the swatch for a moment, trying to figure out why it looked so familiar. He grabbed the swatch out of the woman’s hand and looked at it, brushing it over his fingers. Then suddenly it hit him. “No.”

“What do you mean no?” The stylist asked. “You’re usually not afraid of color.”

Junsu shook his head again and tossed the swatch onto the counter. “It’s the ice cream hair.”

“What do you mean ice cream hair?”

  
  


“It’s the same color Seu… T.O.P had for his  _ Alive _ look.”  Well, it was a good run. It’d been almost three hours since he’d thought of Seung Hyun.

The stylist picked up the swatch and studied it. “Oh, you’re right, I see it. Well, that’s okay, that was a while ago, no one will remember — or think we’re copying him.”

Junsu shook his head adamantly, “No.”

She sighed. “Fine.” She thought for a moment, flipping through her lookbook, which held photos and fabric swatches of all his costumes. “Actually, that’s good. Your album is called  _ Flower _ , you should have hair the color of a flower. Maybe blue. White? Orange?.” She caught the look he gave her in the mirror. “Don’t worry Junsu, I’m going to make you look so good, all the fangirls are going to want to eat you up.”

Back in the nanny van, he was relieved that this was his last stop for the night. Checking his watch he saw it was after 11 and instructed his manager to take him home. He was weary after two weeks of non-stop work and an equally non-stop brain. Flipping on his phone he scrolled the his contact list, pretending to himself he wasn’t looking for a specific number. For a specific name.

There it was TSH — T.O.P Seung Hyun.

Unable to resist the urge, he pressed the call button and lifted the phone to his ear.

Ring.

Ring.

Ring.

Junsu chewed on his bottom lip. What was he doing? What would he say if Seung Hyun actually picked up the phone? Part of Junsu wanted him to answer, but another part of him, the scared part, wanted it to go to voicemail.

Voicemail.

He bowed his head and turned off the phone. Don’t do that again, he told himself. Are you looking to get yourself hurt? He’s made it clear he doesn’t want to talk to you.

*********

Seung Hyun wiped his bleary eyes, unable to focus the bottle in front of him. It had been two weeks. Two weeks since he’d seen Junsu. He’d tried to keep him out of his thoughts, by jamming his schedule with work, but nothing seemed to do the trick. Was Junsu okay? Was he mad at him because of how he left? Did he even care? And what was the deal between him and Yoochun? Were they dating? Is that why Yoochun got so pissy at him — was he marking Junsu as his own?

He poured himself another shot and swished it back. Letting the alcohol burn it’s way down his throat, warming his stomach.

Why did he even care?

He didn’t. Nope, no caring here. Whatever Yoochun and Junsu were doing was none of his damned business. His business was music. Writing fucking music. Not worried about two guys who may or may not be in a relationship. Music was his savior now. He didn’t need fucking Junsu to help him write.

And yet he was there in every word.

Seung Hyun shook his head again.  _ No. Stop thinking about it. You knew Junsu for two fucking weeks. You never needed him to write music. You never needed him for shit. So what if he was cute as all hell? _ He poked at the fruit plate the waiter had laid out in front of him.  _ So what if you can’t look at an orange without thinking of him? So what if the picture of him cuddled around you, warm and sleepy, kept you awake at night? _

He tossed back another drink. How did he get to thinking about Junsu again? He tried to clear his thoughts.  _ Chairs. Think about chairs. Chairs were pretty. Chairs had a nice form. So did Junsu. _ Seung Hyun smiled and leaned his head against the bottle.

His phone rang in his pocket, and, struggling, he pulled it out of his jacket pocket. Poking at the screen, he saw it was Junsu. _ Juuuuuuunsu. _ He smiled and patted at the cat picture he had in place of a name. Junnnsssu liked cats. Why was Junsu calling him? He almost swiped his finger to answer, but pulled himself together enough to stop himself.

Junsu.

With a sigh, he laid his head down on the booth in front of him and closed his eyes.

*********

Junsu stepped out of the shower and ran a towel over his hair. His phone rang from the counter where he’d left it. Securing another towel around his hips, he picked it up and froze when he saw the letters TSH.

Seung Hyun? Why was he calling? Was he mad at Junsu for calling earlier? Was he calling to tell him to leave him alone? The phone rang again and Junsu realized he’d been standing there just staring at the phone for a while now.

He swiped to answer. “Hello?” he said hesitantly.

“Hello.” The voice was unfamiliar. “Hello, this is a bartender at the Red Rabbit lounge, do you know the owner of this phone?”

“YES! What is going on, is he okay? Did he lose his phone?”

“Sir, he’s just fine, he was drinking here tonight and he passed out. We… know who he is and realize this is a… delicate situation. You were the last person to call the phone, so we thought you might know who to contact.”

Junsu snapped to attention and ran out of the bathroom and into his closet, dressing quickly in his “I don’t want to be detected” street clothes. “Is there anyone around who might recognize him?”

“No sir, he’s in one of our back rooms where no one can see him. It’s late, so we sent the staff home for the night.”

“Okay, text me your address and I’ll be right there.”

Junsu settled a cap low on his head, and, thinking quickly, grabbed a second one and tossed it and a big scarf into a bag. Then, not stopping to pet a single cat, he ran for the door.

*********

Cursing the Gangnam traffic, Junsu slipped into the bar’s entrance a full 45 minutes later. Checking out the big empty room, he signaled to the man wiping down glasses at the bar. “Are you the one who called me?”

The man, if he recognized him, was discreet enough not to show it. “Yes, sir. This way.” He lead him to the back to a hallway with closed doors, hiding what Junsu assumed were private rooms. Stopping at one of the doors, he turned and briskly knocked and opened it, letting Junsu inside.

There, asleep on a low table, was the man who’d had Junsu in knots for the last few weeks. He was surrounded by several bottles and an untouched fruit plate. “Do you have a backdoor? I parked in the alley.”

The man nodded and gestured down the hallway. “Yes, right out the back there. I can help you take him out there.”

Junsu shook his head. “No, that’s okay, I’ve got him.” Junsu pulled out his wallet pulled out a credit card, but, thinking the less paper trail the better, instead handed the man a wad of cash. “Here, this should take care of it.”

Looking down at the cash in his hand the man protested. “This is too much.”

Junsu stared the man down. “Keep it, we’ll just consider the rest of it a thank you for keeping this quiet.”

“Ahh… yes.” With that, the man bowed politely and left the room, shutting the door behind him.

Junsu stared down at the drunken Seung Hyun for a moment, trying to figure out the best way to go. Should he sober him up before they left? If he didn’t wake up, Junsu realized he didn’t actually know where Seung Hyun lived, and, considering how Seung Hyun had run away before, he didn’t think it was a good idea to take him back to his house. And a hotel was out of the question. The less chances of this getting out the better.

He circled the table to sit on the booth next to Seung Hyun, where he sat studying him. The realization of how much he’d missed this man, miss seeing him, missed speaking to him, slammed into him and he just sat there staring. There were dark circles under his eyes and a pallor to his skin that reminded Junsu of that moment in front of the radio station, when Seung Hyun’d collapsed in his arms. Junsu worried, realizing that he still wasn’t taking care of himself. His usually perfectly sculpted hair was mussed, and it fell down over his forehead.

Reaching out with slightly shaky fingers, he smoothed Seung Hyun’s hair back into place. He loved the silky feel of the bangs.

Suddenly, Seung Hyun sniffed, and a silly smile moved his lips. “Juuuunsu….”

Junsu jerked his hand back and shoved it into his coat pocket, where there was less chance of it getting him into trouble again. How did Seung Hyun know it was him? Was he awake? Or… was he thinking of him in his dream? His heart shot up in his chest before he stamped it back down again.  _ Don’t do this to yourself again, Junsu. _ The man had made it clear what he thought of him.

Should he just call Tablo-hyung to get one of the other members of BigBang to come and get him? At the very least, they would know where he lived. Except Tablo-hyung was on tour now, and he wasn’t actually sure where he was. And then there was the fact he didn’t actually know any of the BigBang guys. He sighed. Didn’t matter, the less people knowing about this was probably better.

“T.O.P-shi?”

There was no response, so Junsu shook his shoulder. “T.O.P-shi, it’s time to wake up.”

Slowly, Seung Hyun opened one of his eyes. “Am I dreaming?”

Junsu shook his head. “No, you passed out at the bar and they called me.”

Seung Hyun frowned and bobbed his head. “Why’d they call you?”

“I was the last call on your phone.”

There was another knock on the door, and the bartender came in with a tray containing a couple of steaming mugs and a small medicine bottle. “I’m sorry to interrupt, I thought you might like some coffee. And I brought some hangover medicine I keep behind the bar.”

Clearly, this wasn’t the first time something like this had happened to the man, and Junsu  began to feel a little better about him keeping Seung Hyun’s secret. “You are great, thanks!” He said brightly, ignoring Seung Hyun’s pained wince next to him. “I’m sorry for keeping you here so late.”

“No problem, happy to help.”

Junsu made a mental note to tell Yoochun about this place. Clearly, they knew how to take care of their patrons. Of course, then he’d have to tell Yoochun about tonight so… nevermind.

The man left just as quietly, closing the door behind him. Junsu unscrewed the top of the hangover vial and handed it over to Seung Hyun, who, while he did manage to haul himself up, had a serious lean to the left. “Thanks.” With a wince he tipped it back and chugged the whole thing. Junsu tried not to stare at the way his adam's apple moved up and down with every swallow. For his own protection, he scooched back on the bench.

Seung Hyun placed the empty bottle down on the table, and, wordlessly, Junsu handed him the coffee cup. They sat there in awkward silence, not looking at each other, as Seung Hyun drank first the one mug of coffee and then the other. It was only when Junsu then handed him a bottle of water that Seung Hyun stopped him.

“Are you trying to drown me?” he asked.

He sounded like the measures were starting to work and he wasn’t quite as drunk as he had been before. That’s good, Junsu really hadn’t been looking forward to piggybacking him out of here. “The best way to avoid a hangover is to keep hydrated. Before you go to sleep you need to keep pushing fluids.”

“You’re trying to take care of me again?” Seung Hyun snapped out as he rubbed one of his hands across his face.

“If you want to feel like crap tomorrow, then fine, don’t drink it.” Junsu jumped up and started for the door. “I’ll be in the car, so when you’re ready to go, come out the back door, and I’ll take you home.” He’d made it three steps before a hand snaked around his wrist, stopping him. Seung Hyun’s hand was hot and Junsu could feel the warmth of it through his sleeve. He closed his eyes against the feelings that bubbled up to the surface for a moment.  _ Don’t do it Junsu, _ he warned himself.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry for bothering you again.”

Junsu forced a dry laugh, he used all of his will power not to look back at Seung Hyun. “Don’t worry about it T.O.P-shi, I’m happy to help.” Pausing for just one more second, one more second to permanently mark in his brain the feeling of Seung Hyun’s hand on his wrist, Junsu tugged his arm away and stuffed it into the pocket of his coat again, as if that would preserve the warmth, calling himself a fool for doing it at the same time. “I’ve already taken care of the bill, so just come outside.”

In the car, Junsu congratulated himself on how cool he’d been.  _ Keep it up Junsu, you can do this. Cool. You’re a cool guy. He may be T.O.P but you are Xia Junsu. You’ve got this! _

A few minutes later, Seung Hyun walked out the door and into the darkened alley, wearing the hat and scarf Junsu had left for him. Junsu flashed his headlights at him, and Seung Hyun walked over and got in the car. Not saying a word, Junsu pulled out of the alley. “Where do you want me to take you?” he asked.

Junsu could feel Seung Hyun’s eyes on him, studying him, but Junsu stayed focused on the road ahead of him. “Home, I guess. Thanks.”

“Where?”

“My house.”

Junsu paused. “I don’t know where you live.”

“Oh… right.” Seung Hyun reached out and typed in his address into the navigation system built into the dash of Junsu’s car. Junsu was surprised to realize how close they lived to each other. Imagine, after all this time, realizing that the object of all his daydreams was a mere mile or two away. So close and yet….

_ GAH! Stop it, Junsu. _ Maybe he needed to look into one of those bad memory devices. Maybe if he snapped an elastic band every time he thought about Seung Hyun, he’d finally break himself of the habit. Or snap until his arms were all black and blue, adding another notch on his weirdo pole.

Pushing the thought away, he followed the directions, and, in silence, they drove to Seung Hyun’s building. When they arrived, Seung Hyun directed him to the underground garage. Pulling into a spot, Junsu turned the car off. “Do you need help from here or can you make it in on your own?”

Seung Hyun turned to look at him. “Why are you doing that?”

“Doing what?”

“Speaking formally to me.”

Junsu turned and looked at him incredulously. “What do you mean?”

“And before you called me T.O.P-shi. Why are you doing that?”

Junsu could only gape at him. “Why would I speak to you informally, T.O.P-shi? You made it pretty clear that we’re not friends.”

“When did I do that?”

It usually took Junsu a lot to get angry, but he could feel his irritation rising. Which was almost a welcome change from the depression which had swamped him the last few weeks. “I don’t know, when you send me that text where you completely blew me off? Or maybe when you weren’t there when I came back home like you promised? Or maybe it’s the fact that you haven’t contacted me  _ once  _ in the last two weeks. I don’t know what we are — but we’re certainly not friends.”

Seung Hyun seemed a little taken aback by Junsu’s outburst, and Junsu took no little pleasure from it. Why should he be the only one who was so mixed up here?

“I never meant we weren’t friends. I… I just….” He stopped and didn’t say anything else.

“You know what T.O.P-shi? If this is how you treat your friends? I don’t want to be your friend. I have enough friends. Friend who don’t treat me like crap.”

Seung Hyun’s eyes flared. “You mean like Yoochun?”

“Yeah. Like Yoochun.” Junsu wasn’t sure where Yoochun came into this, but if Seung Hyun needed an example of a good friend, you couldn’t do better than Yoochun.

“What exactly is your relationship with Yoochun?” Seung Hyun asked, his voice tight.

“What are you talking about? He’s my best friend. The best friend ever. He is good and kind and would never, ever hurt me.”

“Are you implying I hurt you?” Seung Hyun demanded. “How have I hurt you?”

“You’re kidding me, right? You left me, you left with just a text and then not a single word afterwards. That didn’t exactly feel good.”

Seung Hyun got quiet for a moment, and they sat there in the front seat off the darkened car, just looking at each other. “I didn’t mean to hurt you, Junsu. I’m sorry. I was an idiot.”

“You didn’t mean to hurt me? I don’t know, I’m pretty sure you did, T.O.P-shi. And you know what? That sucks. I was nothing but nice to you. When you wanted me to forgive you for what you said, I did. When you wanted to hang out with me so I could, I don’t know, be your muse or whatever, I did that too. And when you were sick? I was there for you. Then…” he paused, catching his breath, willing back the tears that sprung into his eyes. “Then nothing. You were just gone.”

A tear slipped out and trickled down his cheek. Seung Hyun reached out, and, looking Junsu in the eye, used his thumb to brush away the tear. Junsu took a deep shuddering breath, his heart just breaking for being so close and yet knowing that this man was not his and would never be. Before he realized what he was doing, he reached up and pushed Seung Hyun’s hand out of the way. Scrubbing the sleeve of his jacket over his own face, he willed the tears back, refusing to let another single one drop in front of this man.

“Junsu, I don’t know what you want from me.” Seung Hyun said after a moment.

“I don’t want anything from you,” he said sadly, as his dirty traitorous heart said this man,  _ this man _ !

Seung Hyun studied him, his eyes dark. “Junsu, you’re gay, right?”

For a moment, Junsu was shocked at the words, and, unable — unwilling — to lie to him, nodded slowly. “Yes.” The word was a whisper that was swallowed by the darkness.

“Well. I’m not.”

While not unexpected, the words hit Junsu hard and another tear fell down his face. “I know.”

“I’m not gay. But here’s the thing. I don’t know why, but I can’t stop thinking of you. I can’t stop remembering being with you and how you make me feel. I can’t even eat a fucking orange without thinking about how you smell.”

The breath was ripped from Junsu. It was almost as if his body had just forgotten how to breathe.

“I don’t know what it all means, and it’s pissing me off.” Seung Hyun ran his hands through his hair in irritation. “Junsu. I…” he stared into Junsu’s eyes, and, with a frustrated swear, he reached his hands out and pulled Junsu to him, sealing his lips to his. Junsu’s eyes went wide with shock. What was happening? Had he fallen into some backwards fantasy world?

Seung Hyun’s lips were hot against his own. Hot and insistent. If this was a backwards fantasy world, Junsu never, ever, wanted to wake up. Slowly, his own eyes drifted close, and, hesitantly, he brought his hands up and rested them on Seung Hyun’s chest.

Their lips danced together until Seung Hyun drifted, leaving hot, open mouthed kisses over his cheeks, his jaw, before drifting lower, kissing his way down the side of Junsu’s neck, his tongue darting and tasting, leaving a moist tingling path in his wake.

Junsu’s heart beat hard in his chest, so hard he was sure Seung Hyun could feel it at his throat.

Seung Hyun pulled back, and Junsu moaned at the loss of him. Slowly opening his eyes, he saw Seung Hyun looking at him, his eyes almost completely black with… something. Need? Junsu wasn’t sure what to do, but every part of him wanted to go back in for more. But should he? Whatever this was, he did not want to push it, didn’t want to break whatever spell had been woven in this car.

Keeping eye contact, Seung Hyun unclipped his seatbelt, and Junsu’s heart fell. This was it? He was leaving? He opened his mouth to protest, but the look in Seung Hyun’s face kept him silent. Deliberately, Seung Hyun reached forward over the side console and unclicked Junsu’s own seatbelt, and, leaning over Junsu, let the seatbelt fall back in place.

Their faces were just a few breaths apart and Seung Hyun ran his fingers softly down Junsu’s face, until his the pad of his thumb ran over the fullness of Junsu’s bottom lip. Junsu couldn’t stop the whimper that escaped. At the sound, Seung Hyun’s eyes flared with want, and, in a single moment, he lunged, yanking Junsu tightly into his arms, hard against him. Even through the layers of their coats, Junsu could feel the thin leanness of Seung Hyun. But it wasn’t enough — it wasn’t nearly close enough.

Junsu slid his arms around Seung Hyun and clung, trying to bring him even closer, trying to feel that this was actually real.

Seung Hyun apparently took this as a sign and dived back into Junsu’s lips, his tongue flicking at his full bottom lip, tasting, nipping, playfully demanding entry. At the request, Junsu opened his mouth just a bit and allowed his own tongue to hesitantly touch Seung Hyun’s. As if it were an invitation, Seung Hyun’s tongue surged into his mouth and tangled with Junsu’s.

Junsu was pretty certain he was going to die from how good this felt — but what a way to go. Seung Hyun tasted of coffee and… scotch. Junsu froze, a bad thought, a very bad thought hitting him, and he forced himself to back. Back away from Seung Hyun and Seung Hyun’s lips. Grumbling slightly, Seung Hyun pulled him close again, not letting him go and Junsu gave in and allowed himself to savor the kiss, the feel of him, the smell of him, giving himself until the count of ten to solidify these memories in his brain before firmly pushing Seung Hyun back.

“What are you doing?” Seung Hyun asked, his normally deep voice even more husky and dark. Junsu shuddered but remained stood his ground.

“We can’t do this.”

Seung Hyun sat back in his own seat and roughly ran his fingers through his hair. “What the fuck are you talking about? I thought you wanted this?”

Junsu clenched his fingers into tight balls, partly in frustration and partly to keep his fingers occupied so they didn’t reach out and touch Seung Hyun. He wasn’t entirely sure he still had control over his own body parts.

“I do. I want to make out with you more than I want another kitten. But I’m not sure if you do.”

Seung Hyun cocked his eyebrow at him. “Give me your hand, I can show you I am very, very sure.”

This man! Junsu thumped his head on the steering wheel, the pain of being a good guy, never worse than it was at this moment. “You are not making this any easier.” He said, his head still on the steering wheel.

“I’m not? Well, how about this?” Seung Hyun leaned over and captured Junsu’s ear in between his teeth causing Junsu to gasp.

His willpower nearly at an end, Junsu moved his head away, but he hadn’t taken into consideration what a good improviser Seung Hyun was as he merely moved from his ear to Junsu’s neck.

With a laugh, Junsu turned his head and gave Seung Hyun a hard kiss, before pushing him away. “Please Seung Hyun, I’m trying to be a good guy here.”

“What are you talking about?” Seung Hyun asked finally distracted.

“You’ve been drinking.”

“So?” He looked at Junsu, “wait, you think I… that this…”

“I don’t know. You were the one who just said you’re not gay.”

Seung Hyun froze and looked away. “I”m not. I mean, I don’t know.”

“I can understand that, but whatever this is, or isn’t, or could be, I don’t want to take any chances on ruining it when you’re not thinking completely clear.”

They sat there for just a moment, not looking at each other trying to think or not think about what this moment meant.

“Junsu…”

Junsu shook his head. “Go. Before I change my mind and forget I’m a good guy.”

Seung Hyun studied him for a moment and then nodded. “Okay.” He turned to open the door.

“Seung Hyun-ah?” At the endearment, Seung Hyun snapped back around and Junsu was ready for him, ready to show him he wasn’t the only one with moves. Reaching in, he placed his lips firmly and resolutely against Seung Hyun’s, dipping his head one way, then another, teasing, tasting his fill before pulling back. He smiled wickedly. “So you know, I’m not  _ that  _ good of a guy. Just something for you to keep in mind when you’re making your decision. Now go.”

Seung Hyun stared wide eyed at him for just a moment. He opened his mouth as if to speak, but nothing came out. Instead, he just nodded and climbed out of the car.

Junsu watched smiling, as he made his way to the elevator. As soon as the doors slid shut behind Seung Hyun, Junsu let out an excited cheer and did the best happy dance he could manage, sitting in the seat of a car. He’d just made out with T.O.P — he could pretty much die happy. No, he corrected himself, he’d just made out with Seung Hyun — which was even better!

He rubbed his lips, as they still tingled from Seung Hyun’s touch. Whatever he was thinking, Seung Hyun had better think fast, because Junsu was coming for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Betcha never thought I'd get to kiss-face, did you? Well, for better or worse, it happened. Junsu needed a little happiness didn't he? Gosh T.O.P, get it together!
> 
> I post fun TopSu stuff at [my tumblr](http://fanficjjigae.tumblr.com/), come join me!


	8. Cigarettes and Outerspace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seung Hyun kissed a boy — and he liked it! He's pretty sure he did. Right? But what does that mean? Are he and Junsu a...couple now? Maybe if he just hides it will all go away. 
> 
> Or it would, if Junsu hadn't decided to launch his charm offensive.

Seung Hyun groaned and tossed in the bed again. What the fuck had gotten into him last night? He wanted to blame all the alcohol, but if he were completely honest with himself, he knew that wasn’t the cause of his reckless behavior. He’d kissed him. He had kissed Junsu. More than a simple kiss. He’d put his tongue in another guys mouth. Why? He wasn’t gay. He bolted upright in bed.

Wasn’t he?

Was he gay? Did he like guys? It was true he didn’t date a lot of women, but everyone knew that was more the life of an idol than a personal choice. He liked women. He’d borrowed some of Seungri’s stash of dirty movies, just like the rest of the guys had. He was a regular, healthy guy with regular, healthy urges. Satisfied, he laid back down on the bed.

Which his brain thought was the perfect time to show him an image of Junsu. Junsu, his eyes dark and his already full, lips swollen and wet from their kisses. Seung Hyun groaned and slapped a pillow over his head, cursing his damn brain, cursing the alcohol, cursing Junsu.

The phone rang, and Seung Hyun jumped up, welcoming the distraction from his roving thoughts. He looked around the room, searching for yesterday’s pile of clothes, before realizing he was still wearing them. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out the ringing phone.

Junsu.

Seung Hyun gulped and stared at the screen, his mind racing, trying to figure out what to do. Should he pick it up? Could he even speak to Junsu right now? What would he even say? Should he apologize?  _ No, _ he thought,  _ no best to let it go to voicemail _ . Listen to it later when he was more ready to deal with this. Like never.

He paced the floor and shoved his hand through his hair trying to make himself think. What if he didn’t answer? Would Junsu think he was avoiding him? Would Junsu think he was panicking?

What was happening with his life?

But all that didn’t matter — he couldn’t just let Junsu’s call go unanswered. He was cool. He could do this. Throwing his shoulders back and taking a deep breath, he answered the phone.

“Hel-lo,” his voice cracked and Seung Hyun winced, feeling like an idiot. Real fucking cool, Seung Hyun. Real fucking cool.

“Good morning,” Junsu drawled out. Why was his voice so sexy? Junsu was not making this any easier.

Seung Hyun cleared his throat. “Hello.”

“How are you feeling this morning?”

“What? What do you mean?”

Junsu chuckled. “Do you have a hangover?”

“Oh!” He tried to keep the relief out of his voice. Maybe Junsu just planned on ignoring what had happened last night. Wouldn’t that be a relief? He could ignore it, Seung Hyun could ignore it, and they could go right back to normal. “Um. A bit of a headache. Not bad.” He cleared his throat again. “Thanks. Thanks for, you know, taking care of me last night. I mean. Coming to get me. I know you’re busy and… it was late. And…” he let his voice trail off, expecting at any point the floor would open up and swallow him whole. What happened to pretending nothing happened? Idiot.

“No problem. I was glad to help.”

_ Normal _ , Seung Hyun.  _ Be normal _ . He tugged at the neckline of his long sleeved sleep shirt. “Well, I owe you one.” He said a little louder than he meant to.

“Oh, don’t worry. I got paid well for my time.”

“What? Who paid you?”

“You did. Remember? In the car?” Junsu lowered his voice to a murmur that Seung Hyun could feel in his gut. “Don’t tell me you forgot already.”

“I did. I mean. No. I remember. Junsu, I…” He stopped, not actually sure what he was going to say.

Junsu laughed. “Relax Seung Hyun. I’m not expecting a repeat of last night.”

Reaching back, Seung Hyun grabbed the edge of his bed and sat down before his legs stopped working entirely. Relief washed over him. Relief mixed with a little bit of, what was that? Sadness?  _ No, don’t go there Seung Hyun _ . “Oh, okay, good.”

“Or I should say, I’m not expecting a repeat of last night any time soon.”

“What?” Seung Hyun gulped.

“This is new for you, I get that. You’re afraid. I got that too. But I’ve decided I’m not going to let you just throw this chance away. So get ready for me.”

“What are you talking about?”  _ Breathe _ . Seung Hyun was pretty sure there had been air in the room just a moment ago. But now it all seemed to have disappeared. Junsu’s low purr was creating as much havoc on Seung Hyun’s nervous system as his words and he struggled to get his lungs to work again.

“Seung Hyun-ah. I like you. I want to date you. I can be a good boyfriend, I swear. Way better than any girlfriend you’ve ever had,” Junsu said, his voice sunny and matter of fact. “I think, if you give us a chance, we could be really good together.”

“Junsu, I…”

“Nope. I don’t want any answer now. I thought it was fair I tell you I plan to use everything I’ve got to convince you.” He chuckled. “And I’ve got a lot. Oh, and I’m also calling to say I’m going away for a few days.”

“Where are you going?” Seung Hyun frowned, trying to ignore the little flame of jealousy which burned at his stomach. “Are you going somewhere with Yoochun?”

“Nope. I’m filming a CF in Jeju. I’ll be back in a few days.”

Seung Hyun felt a little better and took the opportunity to get back to the more important part of the discussion. “About the dating thing…”

“Uh-uh. You haven’t given me a chance to lure you in, Seung Hyun-ah. Isn’t that the polite thing to do when someone confesses to you?” Junsu teased.

Junsu had just confessed to him? “It won’t work.”

“We’ll see. I have to go, my manager is going to pick me up in a half hour, and I haven’t started saying goodbye to my cats yet. Go back to bed. Get some rest. And then eat some hangover soup.”

“Have… have a good trip.”

“I will. Now go off to sleep and think of me.”

Sleep? Not a chance. Think of him? Like he’d done anything but since he’d met him.

*********

When the doorbell rang a few hours later, Seung Hyun climbed off the couch, where he’d finally been able to put aside the thoughts of Junsu and sleep. He checked the video screen to see a food deliveryman, and he opened the door.

“Here’s your food.”

“I didn’t order any food,” Seung Hyun said warily.

“There’s a note here.” The man thrust a wad of receipt paper at him. Seung Hyun unraveled it and read:

_ Don’t argue. Just eat the hangover soup and feel better. — J _

Despite himself, Seung Hyun found himself smiling, remembering Junsu’s almost pathological need to feed him. He moved aside to let the delivery man in. Once he left, Seung Hyun sat and pretty much devoured the food, the smell reminding him that he couldn’t actually remember the last time he’d eaten anything.

Pausing, he grabbed his phone and took a picture of the empty bowl and texted Junsu.

 

**From: Seung Hyun** **  
** **Sent: 13:23, February 22** **  
** Thanks for the soup.

 

The response was immediate.

 

**From: Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 13:24, February 22** **  
** Good. Now get to work, slacker, your #1 fan is waiting for new music.

 

*********

The next day, the doorbell rang again. It was another delivery man. Seung Hyun opened the door, expecting more food, his stomach rumbling in anticipation, but to his surprise, instead of the familiar metal case, the delivery man had a large bundle of flowers. Seung Hyun tried not to acknowledge the flash of disappointment.

“Can I help you?”

“Flower delivery.” The man thrust the bouquet into Seung Hyun’s surprised hands.

“I didn’t order any flowers.”

“There’s a card.” The man said politely and, after a bow, turned and left.

Seung Hyun wandered into the kitchen. Who would be sending him flowers? He didn’t think they were from a fan, as those things usually went directly to YG.

Poking out from the flowers was a small white card, and plucking it out, Seung Hyun opened it quickly.

_ Aren’t these flowers pretty? Almost as pretty as me! Do you miss me yet?  — J _

Seung Hyun shoved the card back into envelope and dropped it onto the counter where it landed next to the flowers. Roses. Junsu had sent him red roses. Before he realized what he was doing, he leaned down and breathed in the heavy scent of the flowers.

Junsu sent him flowers, and he couldn’t help but be pleased. And confused as fuck. What did this all mean? Had Junsu meant what he said? Was Junsu… courting him?

The doorbell rang, and Seung Hyun jumped. What could be next? Hesitantly, he headed for the door and was relieved to see it was Ji Yong and Seungri. He paused. Unless Junsu sent them too. No, he shook his head, no don’t be an idiot; JYJ and BigBang didn’t run in the same circles.

Reluctantly, he opened the door to let them in. “Hyung!” Seungri said with a bright smile. “Are you ready to go?”

Seung Hyun frowned. “Go where?”

“I sent you a Kakao.” Ji Yong said, rolling his eyes. “I’m guessing you didn’t bother to read it.”

“Ugh. No. I told you to stop sending me those things and call me like a normal person.”

Ji Yong rolled his eyes. “Normal people use social media, Seung Hyun. You should get with the times. Now hurry up, we have dance practice.”

Seung Hyun didn’t need to be told what they wanted, he could tell by how Ji Yong was dressed — dance practice was the only time he dressed like a regular guy and not like he wasn’t mid-photo shoot. “No, I’m not going.”

Ji Yong looked over at Seungri and nodded. In unison, they each grabbed one of his arms and dragged him backwards into the apartment.

“I’m not going!” He hated dance practice and needed at least two days notice to psych himself up for it. “Besides, we have two songs done. Isn’t practicing for the music shows a little early?”

“Hyung. It’s never too early for  _ you  _ to start dance practice.” Seungri did a twirl and then danced around Seung Hyun. “Now get your stuff, and let’s go.”

Seung Hyun glowered at both, but it was a fight he knew he was not going to win; besides, he decided, he could use the distraction. “Fine. Wait here.” He said before stalking into his bedroom.

Making sure the door was shut tight; he stripped out of his pajamas and dressed. At the sound of hooting and laughter coming from the kitchen, Seung Hyun remembered what he’d left on the counter and bolted out of the room — but it was too late.

He was met by the laughing faces of his two band members and they quickly began to dance around him excitedly, Seungri holding the flowers and Ji Yong the card. He couldn’t decide what to grab for first, the card or the flowers. But it didn’t matter, they were too fast for him anyway.

“Whoooo’s J, Seung Hyun?” Ji Yong teased.

“Hyung, you didn’t tell us you had a girlfriend! Who is she? Is she pretty?” Seungri asked, as he dodged a lunge from Seung Hyun.

Ji Yong jumped on the couch and bounced from cushion to cushion. “According to the card, she’s prettier than these flowers.”

“Oooooh! Prettier than roses, Seung Hyun? Who is she? Is she an idol? Do we know her?”

Seung Hyun made a decision and dove for Ji Yong. Ji Yong might be faster, but Seung Hyun was both bigger and stronger. He tackled Ji Yong mid-jump, tumbling them both to the cushions of the couch. As Ji Yong laughed, Seung Hyun ripped the card out of his hand and climbed off him, making sure to elbow Ji Yong in the gut as he moved.

“Oaf.”

He shoved the card deep into his pocket and turned to Seungri, who was now literally dancing around the living room, grinding on Seung Hyun’s flowers.

“Seungri, if you want to live to make it to dance practice you will get my flowers away from your junk.” He’d gone from embarrassed to angry, but Seungri simply laughed and continued his perverted dance.

“Oooh, flowers from a girl? Have you guys done it yet?” He grinned at Seung Hyun. “I don’t think I’ve heard of you dating a girl before, if you need any tips, you just let me know.”

“Yeah, I know all about you in Japan — I don’t think I want any of your tips, you big pervert. Put. The. Fucking. Flowers. Down.”

There must have been something in his tone or the look of murder on his face that finally got through to Seungri, and he stopped thrusting onto the flowers and held them out to Seung Hyun. Shooting him a disgusted look, he gingerly snatched the flowers away from him. Seung Hyun stomped into the kitchen and laid them on the counter, out of Seungri’s reach, before looked around for something to use as a vase but ended up just sticking them in the water pitcher.

“Seungri, why don’t you go downstairs and tell them we’ll be right there.” Ji Yong said, his voice clearly saying the question was not a suggestion but an edict from the leader. Ji Yong didn’t often pull rank, but when he did, it was effective.

Seungri nodded. “Okay.” He looked over at Seung Hyun. “Sorry Hyung. I hope she really is prettier than those flowers.”

Once the door was closed behind him, Ji Yong joined Seung Hyun in the kitchen. “So you’re dating someone?”

Seung Hyun opened his mouth and then closed it. “Yes… no. I don’t know.”

Ji Yong laid his hand on Seung Hyun’s arm. “You deserve to be happy Hyung, just… be careful. There is about to be a lot of spotlight on us, now more than usual. You know the precautions you need to take, right?”

Seung Hyun nodded, not sure what to say.

“This girl… she’s why you’re writing again, isn’t she?”

Trust the little fashion pirate to get it right on the nose. “Yes. This… person helped me out of… whatever hole I’d gotten into.” And that was true. Man or woman, dating or not dating. Gay or straight, Junsu had helped him when he needed it most, no questions asked.

“Okay then. I approve.” Ji Yong smiled. “Anything that gets you writing like this again can only be a good thing.”

Seung Hyun was struck with a sliver of guilt. No, this wasn’t a good thing. If anyone ever found out, it wouldn’t be bad for just him, but for the whole band. For YG. “Ji Yong… it’s not that easy.”

“We’re idols. It never is.” Ji Yong shrugged a shoulder. “But whatever you’re doing, you’re happy. And that is the most important thing to us. There was a Seung Hyun before BigBang and there will be one after, you just need to make sure you do what’s best for you. The rest will work itself out.”

Seung Hyun nodded, reminding himself just how grateful he was that Ji Yong had come into his life. They might not be as close as Junsu was with the JYJ guys, but Seung Hyun wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for Ji Yong, and he wouldn’t forget that. Or wreck what they had made.

*********

The next morning, there was another knock on the door. Seung Hyun groaned and got out of bed, all of the muscles in his body shouting at him. Dance practice had killed him yesterday. Or today. They’d practiced until about 2:00 a.m. before Seung Hun had simply walked out, refusing to do it again.

Of course, he’d left to the catcalls of the band, as Seungri, of course, hadn’t been able to keep his mouth shut and told Yong Bae and Daesung about the flowers. He’d been teased about his mysterious girlfriend who thought herself prettier than roses.

And he was, Seung Hyun thought, Junsu was prettier than flowers.

Cautiously, he approached the door. Another delivery man. What could it possibly be this time, Seung Hyun wondered. There was part of him that thought, while the presents were nice, he’d rather have Junsu back.

The man was obviously surprised by who he was delivering too, and after he shyly asked to shake Seung Hyun’s hand, he handed him a thin envelope and skittered away.

Closing the door behind him, Seung Hyun excitedly tore off the top of the envelope. A ticket and a note fell out. Bending to pick it up, Seung Hyun saw it was a ticket to the planetarium at the science museum. He frowned. What? Turning over the note he read:

_ I love stargazing. Since you can’t see the stars in Seoul, go here on Friday, and we’ll pretend we’re looking at the same stars. Later we’ll go to Jeju and we’ll stargaze for real. My trip got extended, and it looks like I’m not going to be able to get back home before my Japan concerts. Miss me yet? J. _

Yes, he had to admit. Yes he did.

*********

Seung Hyun paced back and forth in front of the doors of the planetarium — unsure of whether to go inside the darkened theater or not. What did it mean if he went inside? Would doing that mean he accepted Junsu’s feelings? That he was okay with… what Junsu wanted? Would he be accepting the idea that he might be gay?

He turned away from the door.

But what if he didn’t go inside? Did he mean he wouldn’t see Junsu again? Wouldn’t talk to him again? They would never kiss again? His stomach clenched in protest, and he turned back to the door.

Besides. It’s not like Junsu was going to be here. He was in Jeju, and he’d gone through all this trouble to get Seung Hyun a ticket. It would be rude for him not to go in. And for now, that was all it had to mean.

Striding into the entry, Seung Hyun handed the bored ticket-taker his ticket and made his way into the surprisingly empty theater. He checked his watch, thinking he might be early. No, he was right on time. Shrugging, he climbed the stairs and headed to the back of the theater. It was a planetarium on a Friday night, it wasn’t a huge shocker the place was deserted.

As soon as he slouched down low in his seat, the theater darkened and across the ‘sky,’ he watched as the colors turned from dusk to darker and darker until slowly, stars began to twinkle. Junsu was right, the stars were beautiful, and he hardly ever had a chance to think about them, let alone sit back and see them. Was Junsu really looking out at these stars right now? The thought of it made him feel as if Junsu was close, and he despite himself he smiled.

He felt someone slip into the seat next to him. Really? He thought, this whole empty theater and someone had to sit next to him? Fuck. Someone must have recognized him as he was pacing outside. Now, whoever it was was going to try and talk to him — ruining this experience Junsu had wanted him to have. He clenched his teeth waiting, refusing to look over, but to his surprise the person said nothing.

Suddenly, the sound system switched from the deep sleep inducing star narrative to… who was that? Nell? What was going on? Was he in the right place? The guy at the door had let him in, so he his ticket should have been right — but now that he thought about it, he couldn’t actually remember if the guy had looked at his ticket.

Slowly, the smell of oranges drifted towards him, and he froze. Was it? Could it be? The person next to began to lean in, but it was so dark Seung Hyun couldn’t see anything, he could just feel whoever it was getting closer and closer until he could feel the warm breath on his ear and the brush of soft, soft lips. Shivers ran down his neck.

“Surprised?” Junsu’s husky voice asked, and Seung Hyun could actually feel him smile against his ear.

Seung Hyun turned his head towards him, and he could just barely make out the glow of Junsu’s pale skin in the dark. “I feel like I shouldn’t be, but I am,” he said, his voice a low whisper, realizing they were in a public place where anyone could see or hear them. He craned his head around to see if anyone else had come in — which was silly, considering he could barely see Junsu, who was right next to him.

“Relax. It’s just you and me. I rented out the whole place.”

Seung Hyun slouched back down in his seat. “You did? What did you tell them?”

“You think this is my first time booking this for a private showing?”

Yes, he thought. Seung Hyun had just assumed this was the first time Junsu’d done this. Maybe he brought all his… dates here. Maybe this was his patented move. Junsu was a hot guy, who knew how many boyfriends he’d had?

Junsu leaned into him, and Seung Hyun gulped hard as he wiped his now damp palms on his pants. “Of course, this is the first time I’ve ever invited anyone else along with me.”

Seung Hyun cleared his throat. “Really?”

“I’m going to admit something Seung Hyun, are you ready for it?”

No. No, he’s pretty sure wasn’t. “...what is it?”

“It’s you for me, Seung Hyun-ah. I’ve liked you for years now.”

He felt something touch his hand and then felt Junsu’s fingers slide, warm and soft, over his, until he tangled their fingers together. A bolt of electricity lept up Seung Hyun’s arm, and again, he couldn’t breathe, couldn’t move.

Years? Junsu had liked him for years?

“I know you’re scared, and we can take this really, really slowly, but I just… I like you.” For the first time, Seung Hyun heard a bit of hesitancy in Junsu’s voice. Heard the uncertainty, and he knew just how much courage it had taken Junsu to say what he had. To be honest with himself and with him. To be the first one to reach out and ask the question.

Seung Hyun moved his hand away from Junsu’s just enough to turn it over, palm to palm, and slowly laced their fingers together. The warmth from the touch tingled, and he held on tight, not wanting to let go. He heard a relieved breath escape Junsu, and he realized he’d been holding his own and let go.

Then they sat there, saying nothing, looking up into the starry night.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I post fun TopSu stuff at [my tumblr](http://fanficjjigae.tumblr.com/), come join me!


	9. Plots, Schemes, and Possibilities

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Junsu refuses to rest on his laurels and is not above roping others into his schemes.

Junsu closed his eyes and sent a thank you up to whoever might be up there. With Seung Hyun’s fingers wrapped tightly against his own, he felt as though he’d been granted the biggest gift. Bigger than  _ Flower _ making it to number one. Bigger than his tour selling out in seconds. Bigger than a basket of kittens! From the moment he’d let Seung Hyun out of the car last week, he’d worried that he’d made a mistake, that he should have taken that opportunity to push them into the next step.

But he didn’t want just one step though. He wanted lots of steps with this man. He felt, after all this time of listening to him rap, of yearning for him, of imagining that an actual relationship with him was just within his grasp. When Seung Hyun kissed him… he felt magical. Like the car was filled with sparkles and glitter. And he was going to do everything he could to make sure that this feeling never left.

Actually, if he had to admit it, it tickled him to be the pursuer. To realize that, for once, he had the ability to shake Seung Hyun. The power was a little heady, a power that he had no problem taking advantage of — until he had Seung Hyun right where he wanted him. In his bed. In his life. In his heart.

The night stars twinkled and moved, the soft music flowed around them, and with that and Seung Hyun’s solid presence next to him, his warm hand linked with his, Junsu was filled with happiness. The long hours he’d put in during the last few days in order to get him this single night off before his Japan concert series began to weigh on him — and despite his determination to stay awake so he could savor every moment, his eyelids got heavier and heavier.

Giving in, he took one more chance and let his head rest on Seung Hyun’s shoulder. He stiffened for just a moment, still a little wary, but when seconds ticked by with no rebuff, he settled in and closed his eyes. As he drifted off to sleep, he thought he felt Seung Hyun’s head lean on his own, but he figured it was probably just his wishful thinking.

“Junsu…”

“Juuuuunsu…”

Bleary eyed, Junsu opened his eyes and realized that the show was over and the lights had come back on. Rubbing his eyes, he looked over and saw Seung Hyun staring down at him. Surprised for a moment, he shot up in his chair. “Oh no! Did I sleep through the whole thing?”

Seung Hyun raised his eyebrow at him. “I’m sorry I wasn’t stimulating enough company.”

“No!! It was me, I haven’t slept since… god what day is this? I think it was Tuesday? And it was dark and you were… you…” he trailed off, embarrassed.

Seung Hyun squeezed Junsu’s hand. “It’s okay, you were awake for the important stuff.”

Junsu looked down at their still clasped hands. “It did happen? I didn’t imagine it? No take backsies!”

There was a knock at the door and the attendant popped his head in. “Will you be needing anything else Kim Junsu-shii?”

Seung Hyun yanked his hand away from Junsu and stood up.  _ Don’t take it personally, Junsu _ , he told himself.  _ Baby steps. _ He needed to treat Seung Hyun and their relationship like he did adopting a stray kitten. No sudden movements.

He smiled at the man at the door. “No hyung. Thank you for staying late for me.”

The man bowed deeply. “You are our biggest benefactor, we’re happy to do anything you need.”

“Well, now we should leave and let you go home.” Reluctantly he stood and grabbing his coat from the chair, he lead them silently out of the building and to their cars where they stood there awkwardly, not sure what to say, not sure what to do now. While the planetarium wasn’t in the busiest part of town, there was traffic and people around, which meant Junsu could not end the night as he wanted, and he resolved to get Seung Hyun alone soon (and often, if he had any choice in the matter).

“So, green, huh?” Seung Hyun surprised Junsu by asking. He stood there, moving from one foot to the other, scrunched up in one of his thick coats which seemed like it could wrap around him twice.

Junsu cocked his head to the side, not understanding the question.  _ Pay attention Junsu, _ he chided himself. “What?”

Seung Hyun reached out with his gloved hand and ruffled Junsu’s hair. “The hair. Green?”

“Oh!” He let out a loud laugh. “Yes, it’s possible we’re running out of colors.”

“You are right up there with Ji Yong on as a serial haircolorist.”

Part of Junsu was pleased that Seung Hyun now knew enough about him to know he often changed his hair color. That took research. Research meant interest. Interest meant… well, they’d see about that.

“Are you okay to drive home?” Seung Hyun asked.

Junsu grinned at him. “Yes, a Seung Hyun nap has almost fully recharged my batteries.”

They lingered awkwardly, not sure what to say to each other, not sure what they could say in this public space.

“Go home Junsu, before you drop,” Seung Hyun finally said. “We’ll… talk later. Text me when you get home. Good luck in Japan”

On an impulse, Junsu looked around to see if anyone was watching and then reached out and touched his fingers to Seung Hyun’s lips and then pressed them to his heart. Overly loudly, he said, “You had something, right there.”

With Seung Hyun looking at him, his eyes dark, Junsu jumped into the car and drove away.

While he still could.

 

*********

 

Almost one week, four concerts, two international flights, countless interviews, and several photoshoots later, Junsu was tired and frustrated. He wasn’t sure why he’d thought his schedule would magically clear up now that he was in love, but apparently things didn’t work out that way. He hadn’t had a moment alone or in public with Seung Hyun since the planetarium — and the worst part of it was that Seung Hyun did not seem as frustrated with the situation as he was. Like he was using this chance to scaredy-pants himself away. Heh. Little did he know that once Junsu decided he was in love, he stuck.

A knock came on his dressing room door and he tossed his Seung Hyun text-less phone down on the makeup table. “Junsu, you have some visitors?” his security guard peeked into the door.

“Who is it?”

“Junsu, let us in!”

At the sound of Tablo’s voice, Junsu jumped up and rushed to the door. Tablo had not only agreed to guest perform at his concert tonight, he’d promised to bring his family along with him. Shooing the guard away, he threw open the door. “Hyung! Is Haru here?”

“I’m really feeling the love Junsu,” Tablo said, his voice dry as he stood there with his wife and Haru.  _ Haru! Yes, Haru was here! _

“Shouldn’t you know by now that Haru is way cooler than you?” He knelt down to the pretty but nervous-looking girl clutching her father's leg in one arm and a big stuffed dolphin in the other.

“Thank you for coming to my concert, Haru. Are you excited to see your appa perform?” Junsu asked, trying to keep his voice neutral to avoid scaring her. She buried her face into Tablo’s leg and Junsu laughed, delighted with how adorable she was.

“Say hi to your Uncle Junsu,” Tablo said with a laugh, rubbing Haru’s back. “She takes a few minutes to warm up,” he warned Junsu.

“You don’t have to tell me, I watched every single episode of  _ Return of Superman _ you guys were on. That’s how I know how much Haru likes fish.” He gestured to the security officer, who ducked into his dressing room and quickly returned, bearing shiny red gift bag. “I brought you something all the way from Japan, Haru. Do you want to know what it is?”

He caught the little girl’s attention, and with an eager smile she stepped closer to him. “What is it?”

“I don’t know, you’ll have to check it out yourself.” He held out the bag to her, and gingerly, she took it. With a look back to Tablo, who gave her an encouraging nod, she reached in and pulled out the large stuffed animal.

Her eyes lit up, and a big smile broke out on her face. “A whale!” She spun around and waved it to her parents. “Look! A whale!”

Tablo knelt down next to her. “It sure is! Now what do you say to Uncle Junsu, who brought it to you all the way from Japan?” He leaned in and whispered into her ear.

She turned back and gave him a polite bow. “Thank you Uncle.”

“I saw it in a store and thought, you know who would like that? My friend Haru. It can be friends with your dolphin.”

A frazzled looking PA stepped closer to them. “Junsu-shi, Tablo-shi, I hate to interrupt, but we need you.”

Reluctantly, Junsu nodded and turned back to Haru. “Looks like your appa and I have to get to work. I hope you enjoy the concert. Will you cheer really loud for me?”

She jumped up and down excitedly. “Yes! Me and the dolphin and the whale will all cheer for you!”

“Good,” he said solemnly. “I’m depending on you, Haru.”

Tablo excused himself to go show his family to their seats. Junsu watched as Haru bounced around her mother and father, gesturing wildly with the stuffed animals in her arms. When Tablo reached out and caught hold of his wife’s hand and casually strolled through the busy corridor, Junsu felt himself becoming a little wistful. They were so happy.

He turned back to his dressing room, and his still Seung-Hyun-text-free phone, and sighed. Well. He was never one to take the easy path, he consoled himself. He wouldn’t be here if he were. His phone beeped its happy little ‘you’ve got a text message’ ring, and Junsu snatched it up.

“If this just a junk message, I’m going to be very mad at you,” he said to his phone.

 

**From: Seung Hyun** **  
** **Sent: 17:08, March 8** **  
** Good luck 2nite

 

On the one hand he got a text. On the other hand, some might thing it was a pretty lame text from his… boyfriend? Was Seung Hyun his boyfriend? Well, maybe he would be if he could ever get them in the same room together. He needed a plan. He’d made headway at the planetarium (he thought, patting himself on the back again), but this was no time to get complacent. Yep, he needed a really good plan.

“Good news?” Tablo strolled into the room, his hands shoved deep into the pockets of his torn black jeans.

Quickly, Junsu switched off his phone. “Too soon to tell.”

Tablo shrugged and collapsed down on the couch. “Man. I am ready for a break.”

“When are you done your tour?” Junsu asked sympathetically, as he was no stranger to the end-of-tour sleepies. He muffled a yawn of his own.

“Never. It’s never going to end.” He said with a sigh. “Although, I’m actually in town for a bit. I have a bunch of meetings at YG.”

“YG?” Sometimes he forgot that Tablo hyung and Seung Hyun were part of the same agency, feeling a little pang of jealousy over their closeness. He could just imagine what it would be to work in the same building as master rapper T.O.P., passing him in the halls, seeing him in the cafeteria. Catching him late night in a recording studio, just he and Seung Hyun, everyone else gone for the night. He’d lock the… nevermind. Junsu shook his head, feeling a blush creep up his skin. It was a terrible idea for them to work in the same building — he’d never get any work done.

All of a sudden an idea hit him, and he focused back on the man sprawled out on the beat up couch.

“Hyung… I need a favor.”

 

*********

 

Seung Hyun jumped at the tap on his shoulder. Turning in the chair where he sat in front of the soundboard as Daesung laid down his track for one of the upcoming songs in the booth, he saw Tablo smiling down at him.

“Tablo-hyung!”

He jumped out of the chair and they clasped hands and thumped each other on the back, man-style. “I thought you weren’t coming back from the tour for a while.”

“Haru missed her dad so it was time to come home.”

“How is Haru doing?” Seung Hyun asked, as the little girl was pretty much the delight of the whole company.

“She misses her BigBang uncles — when are you guys going to come by?” Tablo asked as he leaned against the board.

“You invite us, and we’ll make it happen,” he said, dead certain, knowing all of the guys would agree without a thought. “So what are you doing here?”

“I believe you owe me a dinner,” he said, twirling his cap in his hand.

“I do?”

“Uhhh… yeah. Remember waking me up at some ungodly hour while I was in… some country, demanding a certain phone number?”

Sung Hyun winced, remembering. “Right. Sure, when is good for you?”

“Tonight, I go back on tour tomorrow.” Tablo tucked the cap back on his head and clapped him on the shoulder.

“I thought you were here to see Haru?” he asked, slightly confused. As much as they all liked each other, it was pretty rare for them to have the time to hang out together. A brief conversation on the odd time they were in the YG building at the same time was pretty much it.

“My little girl is almost as popular as I am, she has plans tonight, so come on, man, you owe me.”

“Owe him what?” Daesung asked as he came out of the booth and clasped Tablo in a big hug.

“Dinner. Me. Him. Meat. Expensive, no, this was a very big favor, so make that very expensive wine,” Tablo said, wiggling his eyebrows at Seung Hyun.

“Sounds fun! Can I come?” Daesung asked.

“No!” Tablo burst out and then immediately looked embarrassed. “No… this is… you can’t come. It was a Seung Hyun-Tablo bet not a Seung Hyun-Tablo-Anyone who is just hanging out in the room bet.”

Both Seung Hyun and Daesung stared at Tablo as if he’d lost his mind — which it seemed like he kind of had. Finally, Seung Hyun shrugged. “Fine. Where do you want to meet?”

“No! We have to go together.” Tablo rubbed the back of his head, frustrated.

“Why?” There was definitely something up with Tablo tonight.

“It’s more… environmentally friendly. Why take two cars if we’re going to the same place? Plus… the wine. All the wine you’re going to buy me. You might have to drive me home.”

Seung Hyun laughed. “Okay, let’s go.”

In the lot, Tablo insisted they take his car and he drove them through Seoul as they talked Haru, music, and Tablo’s latest road adventures. Tablo seemed to have gotten over whatever state he was in earlier, and they had fun as they sat in the usual evening traffic.

When they reached the edge of town, Tablo pulled up and parked in front of a large warehouse.  Seung Hyun looked around, puzzled. The area was completely industrial, with very few people on the streets. “Where are we? I thought you wanted to go out to some swanky restaurant?”

Tablo cleared his throat. “I do. I just, have to stop by here for a minute. I’m collaborating on a track, and I just have to check something with the artist.”

“Really?” It wasn’t often that a star guested on an artist outside of their management company.

“Who is it?”

“I’ve been sworn to secrecy. You know how it is.”

He didn’t actually, but with Tablo’s weird mood it seemed best not to push. “Okay, well, I’ll stay out here then.”

“No!” Tablo cleared his throat and jumped out of the car, and leaned his head in the door. “A star like you can’t stay out here, fangirls will swarm the car, we’ll never get out of here, and then I’ll never get my expensive wine.”

With a sigh, Seung Hyun unbuckled his seatbelt and followed Tablo into the building.

Through the maze of corridors, they seemed to be following the beating sound of music. At a closed door, Tablo stopped and for some reason, Seung Hyun was apprehensive. With a motion to Seung Hyun to be quiet, Tablo opened up the door, and grabbing Seung Hyun’s arm, pulled him into the room and its loud swelling music.

Inside, Seung Hyun saw it was an ordinary dance practice room and got irritated. Was this just some big fucking scheme to get him to dance practice? Was that scene with Daesung just an act? No, he never liked to go, but that didn’t mean they had to go to this level of plot to get him there. Besides, this was definitely not one of the songs from their new album. Had Ji Yong been working on a new track and hadn’t told him?  _ No. Don’t be stupid _ , he thought.  _ Ji Yong likes his brilliance to be experienced, no way could he have kept a completed song to himself. _

No, it had to be another band. You’d think if they went through all this trouble to get him here they’d make sure the people booked before them left on time.

Seung Hyun crossed his arms in irritation and looked around the room for the others, expecting them to jump out with a ‘surprise!’, but there was no one else from BigBang there. Finally focusing on the group practicing in front of him, he was impressed by the intricate dance routine. Who was the group?

He peered through the mass of dancers, trying to recognize a face, when he was struck by a familiar form.

No.

It couldn’t be.

But it was.

Junsu.

Seung Hyun froze as he watched Junsu writhe and dance around at the front of the pack. He’d seen video of Junsu in action before, but it was nothing like seeing him in real life. His body was fluid, drenched in sweat, making his casual workout clothes cling to his lean form. Seung Hyun swallowed hard as he watched Junsu thrust his hips with impossible speed while he stroked his hand down his body. Each thrust was like a punch to Seung Hyun’s stomach. He couldn’t stop staring at the flex of Junsu’s round ass, no longer remembering where he was or who else was there.

It had been four days since he’d seen or spoken to Junsu last. He wasn’t avoiding him. Exactly. After the other week, he just wasn’t sure where they went next. What they did next. But looking at Junsu now, looking at him and his perfect body writhing in time to the music, he had some idea of where it would go — and it began to scare the shit out of him.

Tugging the coat closer around him, he unconsciously felt to make sure the topmost button of his shirt was securely fastened.

One of the backup dancers made a misstep and bumped into Junsu crashing them both to the floor in a tangle. Seung Hyun, in an instant, leapt forward and pushed his way through the dancers to make his way to Junsu’s side. The male dancer lay on top of him, looking like he had just decided to take up residence there while Junsu was gritting his teeth and wincing.

Kneeling down, Seung Hyun pushed the man off his man. “Junsu, are you okay?” He was afraid to touch him, not knowing where he was hurt.

The dancer rolled over and came back to Junsu’s side. “Mr. Junsu, I’m so sorry.” He said in stilted Korean. “Are you okay? Do you need help?”

Seung Hyun nearly snarled as the dancer ran his hands slowly down Junsu’s side in a much too familiar manner. “If there’s anything I can do…”

Seung Hyun grabbed the man’s wrist and lifted it from Junsu. “Go. You’ve done enough.” The man, startled, looked into Seung Hyun’s eyes and saw something there that made him moved away. Good.

“Seung Hyun?”

Making sure the dancer had backed away, Seung Hyun turned his attention back to Junsu. “Are you okay?” he asked, his voice low with worry.

Junsu closed his eyes, the pain clear on his face, and Seung Hyun reached out to touch his face before realizing they were surrounded by people, and he nearly growled in frustration.

“Come on everyone,” he heard Tablo say in the background. “That’s it for today. Everyone pack up and go home. Junsu is late for a meeting with me, anyway.” The dancers grumbled but began to pack up their things and leave the room. Seung Hyun looked down at Junsu, who hadn’t opened his eyes.

“Junsu,” He said shaking him. “That’s it, we’re taking you to the emergency room.”

Junsu slowly opened his eyes and weakly smiled at him. “No, I’m okay. I just got the wind knocked out of me. Panicked me for a bit when I couldn’t breath.” He took a few deep shaky breaths. “Duncan got me right in the stomach when we landed.”

Seung Hyun turned and shot a parting glare at the lingering dancer, which made the man skitter out of the room. Junsu gingerly raised himself up on his elbows and then winced. Lifting his arm, inspected his side where his sweat dampened t-shirt was dotted with red.

“Junsu!” Seung Hyun said, panicked now. “That’s it, we’re going to the emergency room.” He ran his hands over Junsu to see if he could see any other injuries.

“Seung Hyun-ah. I’m okay. I think it’s just a scratch.” Junsu grabbed the hem of his t-shirt and tugged it over his head, tossing it to the floor. Seung Hyun reached over and ran his fingers down Junsu’s side, wincing at the red angry scratch that ran down the pale white flesh.

“Are you sure? Did you bump your head or anything?”

“He’s okay.” Tablo said, kneeling down next to them as he handed the first aid kit to Seung Hyun. “Junsu might not seem it, but he’s a tough guy.”

“Tablo Hyung!” Junsu smiled brightly at him. “I’m glad you could make it.”

Seung Hyun looked from one to the other. “Junsu is the one you’re collaborating with?”

“Yes, we’ve worked together a few times, so when he asked me to rap for his new album there was no question. And now that everything seems to be okay, I’ll be going now.”

Seung Hyun frowned at him. “What do you mean you’re leaving? Didn’t you want me to take you to dinner?”

“Oh, that.” Tablo looked at Junsu and smirked. “I forgot, I had something planned for tonight. Sorry about that.” He stood up and waved. “See you later.”

“Wait. You’re my ride.” Seung Hyung called after him.

“I’m sure you can find another way home.”

With that, he wriggled his eyebrows again and left the room. Seung Hyun looked back at Junsu who averted his eyes and studied the floor.

“What is going on, Junsu?” Seung Hyun asked, beginning to realize there really was a plot afoot — and it wasn’t a guerrilla dance practice.

“I might have asked Tablo-Hyung to help get you here.” He began to worry his bottom lip between his teeth.

“You told him about us?!” Seung Hyun exclaimed, floored. He was barely able to admit it to himself that something was going on between them and Junsu was now going around and telling others? He stood up and began pacing the room. “You can’t do that Junsu. Now without asking me first.”

“I didn’t, I swear!”

“Then what is going on? Why am I here? And why is Tablo making eyes at me?”

“I told him I needed his help. That I have a friend who I wanted to set you up with, but she was a big star and it had to be a secret.” Junsu groaned and got up off the floor and went to Seung Hyun. “I’m sorry if you’re mad at me. I just… wanted to see you.”

“Why didn’t you just talk to me about it?”

“I tried but you were always busy.”

Seung Hyun paused at that. Junsu was right. They’d texted a couple of times, but he’d always cut them off before they could get too personal. “It’s just. I don’t know. Awkward.”

“What do you mean?” Confusion and hurt ran across Junsu’s face, and Seung Hyun added it to his list of misdeeds. He didn’t want to hurt Junsu, but it seemed to be all he did in their time together.

“I’m not sure what to do. What do we do? How do we do this?”

“What do you mean by this?”

Seung Hyun jammed his fingers through his hair. “Whatever  _ this  _ is. You and me.”

“A relationship? We’re dating, it’s not a puzzle box Seung Hyun. We talk on the phone, we go on dates, we… figure it out as we go along. We do it like any other couple. Well. Except that we’re stars. So it is going to be more difficult — but even stars manage to date.”

Junsu grabbed Seung Hyun’s hand in his. “You like me right, Seung Hyun-ah?” His eyes were bright and his voice had a touch the vulnerability to it that just killed Seung Hyun.

Taking a deep breath, he stared for a moment at Junsu before answering. “…yes. I like you, Junsu.”

Junsu smiled brightly. “And I like you, Seung Hyun-ah. We figure the rest of it out. Together.”

Seung Hyun couldn’t help but smile back at him. “So why am I here?”

“Isn’t this a great plan? I convinced Tablo to bring you here, everyone sees us meet with Tablo, now we’re known as friends through Tablo, so it’s not weird if we’re seen together. I’m a hidden relationship genius!”

“So now we’re friends, then?”

Junsu took a step closer to Seung Hyun until they were just a breath apart, setting Seung Hyun’s heart racing. “We always were friends.” He moved his face slowly closer, until his lips brushed Seung Hyun’s, warm and soft. “Now we’re more.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh that Junsu! He makes me go all thump-thump in my heart-heart. The Tablo-Haru bit was fun, a bit of an add in as I had the Tablo stuff, but when looking at the schedule, at the same time, Tablo performed with Junsu! So rather than have it occur off-page, I added it in-- I couldn't resist. Funny how those things work out sometimes.


	10. But Have You Seen You?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Junsu wiggles his way past Seung Hyun's defenses, Seung Hyun begins to realize just what that means, stirring up dormant insecurities.

A knock on the door made Junsu step back from Seung Hyun, and he held back a frustrated groan. Any thoughts of his jumbled feelings caused by Junsu’s closeness left and he was swapped with irritation by the reappearance of Duncan.

It really didn’t help to see the man take in the shirtless Junsu with a visible gulp. Seung Hyun narrowed his eyes and stepped between Junsu and the foreigner. But apparently, Duncan had resolved himself not to be afraid of him after he’d been chased out, and determinedly, he ducked past Seung Hyun to Junsu’s side.

“Again, I wanted to say I’m so sorry Junsu, for some reason I just kept going right instead of left and kept bumping you.”

Junsu gave him an understanding smile. “No problem, just pay a little more attention next time.”

“I brought you an ice pack.” He snuck a look at Seung Hyun. “I thought I could help you ice down.” He then caught sight of the blood that seeped down Junsu’s side. “Oh my gosh! You’re bleeding?” Reaching out, he brushed his fingers to Junsu’s side, causing him to jump.

As he watched this stranger put his hand on Junsu, Seung Hyun went from irritation to anger, surprising even himself.

“Hands off,” he said, his voice low.

Duncan shot him a look and turned back to Junsu. This man was ignoring him? Well, that was new. It had been a while since someone hadn’t cared who he was.

“You need to let me help, Junsu, I’ll feel terrible if you don’t.” He gave Junsu a pleading smile and reached out to take Junsu’s arm. Seung Hyun took a step forward, but before he could do anything, Junsu pulled away.

“That’s nice of you, Duncan, but we have it. You go home.”

“Are you sure Junsu? I want to help.”

Junsu brought himself to his full height, his eyes turning cool, turning from the usual fluffy-bunny-Junsu to a man who was clearly in charge. “Go home and get some rest, Duncan, we have a concert in Shanghai on Saturday, and I need you to have that dance down by then.”

The dancer nodded. “Yes Mr. Junsu.” With a bitter glance at Seung Hyun, Duncan dropped the ice pack on the floor and stalked out. After Seung Hyun was sure he had left and the door was shut behind him, he turned back to Junsu.

“You have a lot of admirers.”

Boss Junsu evaporated, and Junsu wriggled his eyebrows as he waved his hand down, gesturing to his shirtless body. “I am Xia Junsu. I’d like you to try and find someone cuter than me.” He paused for a moment and then pouted before reaching out and tugging at Seung Hyun’s jacket. “I changed my mind! Don’t go out and try to find someone cuter!”

_ As if that were possible, _ Seung Hyun thought.

Suddenly, Junsu hissed out a rough breath between his teeth and winced. Seung Hyun grabbed his hand. “Are you okay?”

Junsu looked down at his side. “Well, I’m still bleeding, but besides that everything is awesome.”

The scratch, Seung Hyun grudgingly admitted, did not look too bad. Still holding Junsu’s hand, he led him back to the first aid kit. “Sit,” he said gruffly.

Junsu cocked his head at him but did what he was told, resuming his previous stance of leaning back on his elbows. Seung Hyun stood there for a moment, staring at Junsu’s pale skin that still glistened with sweat from his dance practice. His body was surprisingly broad, with dips and grooves of well-defined muscles. The way he was leaning back, unconcerned that he was shirtless, told Seung Hyun that he was completely comfortable with himself.

Seung Hyun broke his gaze away from Junsu’s body and looked at himself in the wall of mirrors that lined a good portion of the dance space. Frowning slightly he tucked his coat a little tighter around himself and tried not to compare himself to Junsu.

“Why don’t you come down here?” Junsu teased.

He shook himself out of his head and sat down, trying hard not to look at Junsu. Flipping open the lid of the first aid kit, he dug around until he found the iodine and then dabbed it carefully around Junsu’s wound. Junsu hissed a breath again, in pain.

“So, uhh… was that your new song?” he asked, focusing all of his attention onto dabbing the little sponge.

“Yeah, that’s  _ Flower _ , the song that Tablo-hyung is helping me with. Did you like it?”

Frankly, he’d been paying so close attention to Junsu that he hadn’t really noticed the song that much. Recapping the iodine, he placed it back into the kit and then bent forward and blew gently on wound, remembering this was something his grandmother used to do when he’d hurt himself when he was young.

Junsu gasped and Seung Hyun finally looked up at him. “Did I hurt you?”

Junsu’s dark eyes were wide with shock, and wordlessly, he shook his head, instead swallowing so heavily Seung Hyun could see his adam’s apple bob up and down.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” He looked at the cut, thinking maybe he was wrong and it was worse than he thought.

“No.” Junsu’s voice was husky and caught just a bit. “I mean, yes, I’m okay.” His cheeks were now flushed with pink.

“What’s wrong then?” Seung Hyun knew he was missing something.

Junsu frowned slightly at him. “I just... you blew on me.”

“So?”

Junsu turned even pinker, and he plopped back down on the floor, covering his face in his hands. “I can’t tell you!”

Seunghyun smiled now. He wasn’t sure what was going on, but he did enjoy a cute Junsu. He leaned down over him. “Come on Junsu,” he said in his most alluring T.O.P voice, “What is it?”

“NO!” Junsu said from under his fingers.

“You can tell me…” he said, circling Junsu’s wrist and trying to pull his hand back.

“If you don’t know, I’m certainly not going to tell you.” Junsu said, his voice still muffled.

Seung Hyun cocked his head, a light dawning on him, and he kicked himself for being such an idiot. He hesitated for just a moment, and then, with a small smile, moved to Junsu’s side, dipping low and blowing softly on his skin once more.

Junsu gasped again and shot up. “STOP IT!”

“Why Junsu?” he asked impishly.

His eyes dark and round, Junsu stared at Seung Hyun. “Because-it-makes-me-want-you-but-you’re-not-ready-for-that-and-even-if-you-were-ready-for-that-there-is-no-lock-on-the-door-and-I’m-not-entirely-sure-that-Duncan-won’t-just-pop-in-here-again,” he said, in one fast gush of air.

Seung Hyun stopped. He wasn’t ready for that? He thought about what Junsu said and what it meant. There were times when Junsu smiled at him, or teased him, or looked at him with those warm caring eyes — or hell — when Seung Hyun just looked at Junsu’s gorgeous form, that his body shouted RIGHT NOW. But then, when he thought about what that actually meant, not just the act but what that meant for him and his future? He froze.

“See? Not ready.” Junsu said. “But don’t worry, I’m patient.” He smiled up at him brightly. “Just don’t blow on me and be all sexy-like and we’ll be fine.”

Despite himself, Seung Hyun laughed. No matter what it seemed like, Junsu could always make him smile, make the situation better. He stooped down and picked up Junsu’s shirt and tossed it at him.

  
  


“If you want to make this easier, you should put your shirt on.”

Junsu blinked innocently. “Oh, I don’t have any intention of making it easier on you. You’re the one who has to watch out for me, remember?” He tossed Seung Hyun the shirt. “Now, how about you finish patching me up and then we go and get that dinner I worked so hard to arrange for us to have the time for?”

“You’re hungry?”

Gesturing around to the empty practice room around him, Junsu broke into a little bit of his dance routine. “I’ve been dancing all afternoon and I’m  _ starving _ !”

Seung Hyun tossed the shirt back to him and then grabbed the bandage and tape. “Put your shirt on, Romeo, and I’ll take you to dinner.”

While he pretended to think about it, Junsu struck a few poses, showing off for Seung Hyun. “Okay, but I get to choose where!”

An hour later, a thankfully-shirted Junsu sat cross legged in front of Seung Hyun at the small, family-owned restaurant, which was tucked away in an even smaller alleyway near his house. He watched as Junsu with his newly bright blond hair practically inhaled all of the side dishes as they were placed down on the table. He lifted an eyebrow at him. “You  _ were  _ hungry.”

Almost as a response, he could hear Junsu’s stomach rumble. “I’ve been practicing for hours, we decided to change some choreography in one of the songs before Shanghai, and I need to have it down.” Sheepishly, he put down his chopsticks. “Plus, my management wanted me to lose a few pounds with this comeback.”

Seung Hyun snapped upright and frowned. He studied Junsu, who had changed from his dance gear to a pair of slim jeans and a thin black sweater which clung distractingly to his form, with a low V-neckline, which revealed more creamy white skin and his angular collarbones. He gulped . “Are they idiots? You are perfect…” It was his turn to be embarrassed — where had all his cool gone? He’d had some at one point — legions of fangirls who could confirm that — but just a few minutes with Junsu, and it was all gone.

“Oh, I know. I just consider it more like getting in the best shape possible for the road. Unlike a certain idol sitting at this table, not everyone’s fans think it’s adorable when you don’t actually do the dance moves.” Junsu wriggled his eyebrows at him.

“You noticed that?” Seung Hyun snickered.

“You forget, I was a fan before I was ever your boy-…” he trailed off, his cheeks turning a slight shade of pink. The ahjumma came up before Seung Hyun had to deal with the end of that sentence. With a broad smile, she proudly laid down their food on their table and lingered a bit, offering suggestions, before she was interrupted by a new customer entering the building. He breathed in the fragrant aroma of the still-bubbling jjigae, his mouth beginning to water. It reminded him that it had been awhile since he’d eaten, and he wasn’t the one who’d been dancing.

He looked over at Junsu’s plate, and while the braised tofu looked delicious, it was not enough, especially on a night as cold as this. Grabbing his chopsticks, he fished through his bowl, finding the choice ox bones, with their tender meat, and started to pile them on Junsu’s plate.

“What are you doing, Seung Hyun?” He laughed his bemused-Junsu laugh.

Not answering, Seung Hyun called out to the ahjumma. When she scurried over to their table, he asked politely asked her to refill the banchan and ordered another bowl of ox bone stew.

“Just eat it,” he said when she’d left again.

“Seung Hyun-ah, I’m not supposed to eat that.”

Seung Hyun locked eyes with Junsu. “Trust me,” he said. “You’re thin enough… If you do all of that exercising and don’t eat properly, you’re going to hurt yourself.”

Junsu stared at him for a moment, his eyes wide eyes questioning, before he nodded and picked up his chopsticks and started to eat from his now crowded plate. Satisfied Junsu was eating, Seung Hyun turned back to his own bowl. While simple, the flavors were warm and delicious.

“I’ve lived here for years, and I never knew this place was here,” he said.

“I was running from some  saesang fans once and ducked down this alley.” Junsu swallowed a mouthful and picked the meat hungrily off another bone. “Everyone here is so nice, and they don’t really care who I am. The guys and I come a lot.” Almost to prove his point, the smiling ahjumma came over and settled the extra food on the table, picked up the empty dishes, and hurried away.

With a satisfied sigh, Junsu dipped his spoon into the bowl and brought a steaming spoonful to his lips, pursing them to blow it cool before swallowing. Seung Hyun watched as Junsu’s eyes fluttered closed as he gave a little moan. “So good.” He dished another scoop of the broth and repeated the whole process. Shifting uncomfortably in his seat, Seung Hyun made himself look away from Junsu’s lips.

Showing just how hungry he’d been, Junsu didn’t speak again until most of the food had been eaten. Seung Hyun spent most of the meal secretly studying him and his movements. When Junsu paused eating, Seung Hyun spoke.

“You’re a great dancer.”

“You’re surprised?” Junsu teased. “You’re not too bad yourself… when you let yourself.”

Seung Hyun shook his head. “I’m okay, I just always feel awkward dancing, like everyone is looking at me.”

“You’re hot, so yes, everyone is looking at you — still though, you’re a good dancer.” He paused to take another spoonful of the soup but came back, disappointed, realizing his bowl was empty. Without a thought, Seung Hyun grabbed the bowl and traded it with his own, half-full one. Junsu looked like he was about to argue, but Seung Hyun just gave him the T.O.P eyebrow raise, and he gave in, spooning more of the soup gratefully into his mouth. “But I wasn’t lying before when I said your fans don’t care that you don’t dance like the rest of BigBang. They think it’s your thing to do your own thing. Sometimes I wish I had some of your confidence.”

Confidence? Yes, he thought, T.O.P had confidence to spare. But Seung Hyun? Seung Hyun, he knew, was never going to be as confident as his alter ego. And he was coming to the realization that some of his hangups might be quickly coming up to haunt him.

“I could not eat another bite. So yummy.” Junsu said happily as he put down his spoon with a sigh. He stretched in satisfaction, like a cat, and glanced out the window, his eyes lighting up. “It’s snowing!”

Seung Hyun looked out the steamed-up window and saw the fall of fat, fluffy snowflakes.

“Let’s go for a walk!” Junsu said.

“It’s going to be cold out there,” Seung Hyun warned.

“I don’t care! How often does it snow outside? Let’s go enjoy it. Besides, we could use some exercise to get rid of some of these calories we just ate.” He looked down at the two empty bowls in front of him. “Or I ate. Sorry about that.”

Junsu grabbed Seung Hyun’s sleeve and tugged him up. “Come on! It’s our first snow storm together, let’s go enjoy it!”

Seung Hyun laughed, and after a tussle over the bill (that he won) they went outside into the cold crisp air. The winter sky was now dark, the only illumination the dim streetlight, which gave a slight yellow glow. That, along with the snow, made it seem as if the two were in their own little, private snow globe.

They walked for a ways away from the restaurant, wandering down the abandoned back street.  “I love the snow, it’s so pretty! I wish it could snow all the time.” Junsu frowned and thought for  moment. “But that would make it hard to play soccer. So maybe not all the time.”

Junsu lifted his face up to the sky and smiled as the snowflakes drifted onto his face and melted. Unable to resist, Seung Hyun stepped closer, the collected snow crunching under his shoes. Before he could second-guess himself, he leaned closer and lightly brushed his lips against Junsu’s before moving back just a breath. Junsu’s eyelids slowly slid open, and he stared at Seung Hyun.

The world quiet around them, Seung Hyun dipped his head again, until their lips just brushed each other, and before retreating back. He could feel Junsu’s breath on his cheek as his lips parted, and he went in one more time, this time moving his aim to brush his lips against Junsu’s slightly pointed chin. Junsu’s eyes were warm and happy as he stared at Seung Hyun, waiting. Seung Hyun leaned in again, and his lips felt the cool melted snow drops on Junsu’s cheek. Junsu’s eyes drifted closed, and he watched as snowflakes landed gently on Junsu’s long eyelashes. Stretching to his full height, he let his lips kiss Junsu’s eyelid. The only sound around them was the crunch of snow and Junsu’s ragged breath. This time, when Seung Hyun pulled back, Junsu finally spoke. “Please,” he said, his voice a question.

Seung Hyun moved in one more time, this time giving them what they both wanted, and brushed his lips against Junsu’s, in soft, feathery kisses, his warm lips contrasting with the cold, melted snow. He caught Junsu’s soft, rounded bottom lip between his own and kissed it slowly, taking his time exploring.

In the distance, he heard the honk of a car, and he remembered where they were, and allowing himself just one more kiss, moved away. Junsu’s eyes slowly drifted upwards, and his pupils were so large his eyes looked black. “You know you’re killing me, right?” Junsu asked.

Seung Hyun smiled and tucked Junsu’s scarf securely around his neck, pulling it up until it covered those lips he couldn’t seem to get out his mind. “I know.”

*********

Junsu looked into the mirror, turning his body this way and that, contorting it into different shapes, trying to get the feel for how this stage costume moved with him. The dark blue vest with it's large buttons fit him snuggly, outlining his frame and showing off the arms he'd been working so hard on lately. The front was plain, but the back was slightly stylized, looking like a big x, with two points of fabric pointing right down to his bum. He looked good. Like  _ really  _ good. And someone should see it, he thought with a smile as he pulled out his phone. Posing a few times, he snapped off a few shots and then looked at them, considering which one to send. Aegyo Junsu? Sexy Junsu? Shrugging, he sent a text with both of them.

There was a knock on the door and the cute stylist bounced back into the room, her high ponytail swinging behind her. "Junsu-shi, here is the second vest. It would be for later on in the concert. It looks a little like the first one, but the backside," she turned the hanger around. "The backside..."

"Let me guess? Is barely there?" he said. In this version, the fabric x was higher up on his shoulders, leaving almost his whole back bare. "Well, at least it will be… cooling when I dance." He stripped off the first vest, and dropping it in the chair, grabbed the new one and put it on. “And it's not the weirdest thing I’ve worn.” The dark fabric was soft and silky against his bare skin, like a smooth touch. Another idea popped into his head, and not able to keep the grin off his face, he handed the girl his phone. "Do you mind taking a video so I can take a look at it later?"

Giving him a slight bow, she nodded and carefully accepted the phone. She took the pictures and handed him back the phone, her face bright pink. There was a knock on the door, and for a dopey excited moment he thought it might be Seung Hyun — but despite knowing there was zero chance it would have been him, he was both disappointed and happy when it was Yoochun who slipped in.

"Duckbutt! Could you not afford the whole vest?"

Junsu looked around the room for something to throw at him, but not finding anything, he instead jumped over and gave his friend a big hug. "Yoochun! Why aren't you filming?"

He waved the stylist out of the room, asking her to give them a few minutes.

With a heavy sigh, Yoochun slouched deep into one of the makeup chairs and pulled off his large framed sunglasses. Junsu winced at the dark circles under his eyes. Grabbing for his street pants, Junsu found his wallet and pulled out some cash. Opening the door, he looked around until he found where his manager stood, predictably trying to chat up one of the stylists. "Hyung!” he called out to him, then waited until the man hurried over. “Please go to a pharmacy and get Yoochun a health tonic."

Turning back to the small room, he grabbed a bottle of water from the mini fridge in the corner, opened the top, and handed it over to Yoochun who tiredly smiled. "I'm okay Junsu, I just finished up a night shoot. Since I was in the neighborhood, I thought I'd stop in to see how you were doing."

"Me? I'm doing great. You, on the other hand, look like something one of my cats coughed up. Drink the water." Unable to resist, he reached out to feel Yoochun’s head, but Yoochun just batted his hand away.

With a tired yawn, Yoochun tossed the cap of the water bottle and took a sip. He studied Junsu for a moment. "We haven't had a chance to talk in awhile, not since the whole T.O.P thing went down."

Junsu looked away from Yoochun and stared at his pants, busying himself by taking great care in brushing away imaginary flecks of lint from them. "I'm good. Just ahh… staying busy. You know. Concerts. Album. Hey! Did you see that video of Leo I sent?"

Yoochun stared his usual dark stare at Junsu, and Junsu looked away. Gah! He could never keep anything from Yoochun. "Kim Junsu! You're not still seeing him — or whatever it was you were doing — are you?"

Junsu could feel a blush rise to his cheeks. "Maybe."

"I was afraid of that." Yoochun jumped out his chair and began pacing the room. "What are you doing? He's just going to hurt you again."

"He hasn't hurt me!" Junsu said, leaping to Seung Hyun's defense.

"Hasn't he?" Yoochun asked. "What about what he said to you that night at the charity performance?"

"That was just a misunderstanding — and technically, he didn't actually say anything to me."

"What about when you were taking care of him? You can't tell me he didn't hurt you then."

"That was just another misunderstanding, we've worked past that."

"That's a hell of a lot of misunderstandings in a short amount of time." Finally stopping his pacing, Yoochun crouched in front of Junsu’s chair and grabbed Junsu’s hands in his. "Junsu-ah, I'm not saying this to be mean, I'm just worried for you. I'm afraid you're so tied up in your crush for T.O.P you're not paying attention to the real person — this guy is going to hurt you I can feel it — and with Jaejoong and I going into the military, I'm afraid that when he does break your heart, there won't be anyone for you here."

Junsu didn't blame his friend for talking to him like this; if it were anyone else, he'd tell them to back off, but Yoochun loved him and really did want what was best for him. That's why they were family. And, if he admitted to that deep part of him, it wasn't like Yoochun was wrong — this could go wrong — badly wrong. But Junsu felt, deep down, that if he didn't take this chance, he'd regret it for the rest of his life.

He turned his hand until he clasped Yoochun's hand in between his own. "Yoochun. I'm okay. I love you for worrying — but I have to do this for me." Then what Yoochun said hit him. "Wait, you and Jaejoong in the military? What happened? Did you get a date?"

Yoochun nodded. "That was the other thing I wanted to tell you. It's not official yet, but it looks like I'm going in July." The news was like a punch to Junsu. He knew they all had to go, it was their duty as Korean men, but to be two years without both of his best friends? Since they’d met all those years ago, they'd never been apart for longer than a week, let alone two years. Who would he talk to? Who could he turn to who knew him as well as these two guys did? His chest felt heavy, and he had to force himself to breath.

"Come here, Duckbutt," Yoochun said and pulled him into his arms, hugging him tightly. "It will be okay, besides, it won't be that long before you join up, and then you won't have time to miss us at all." Junsu hugged Yoochun back with all his might, as if he were trying to imprint Yoochun to him. "Gah. Junsu. I can't breath."

With a laugh, Junsu pulled back and wiped at the tears in his eyes. "Sorry. But you guys had better be prepared for lots of those before you go in I — need to stock up!"

Turning serious again, Yoochun looked into Junsu's eyes. "So, please, think this thing with T.O.P through carefully. It will hurt us if he hurts you when we aren't here to help."

His manager stuck his head in through the door. "Here is that tonic you asked for Junsu." Junsu grabbed it from him and handed it over to Yoochun.

"Drink this and then go home, friend, you need to get your sleep so you're all pretty again for filming tonight. You have the flower boy reputation of JYJ to think about."

*********

Seung Hyun sat at the sound panel in the recording room. After the last band meeting with the head of YG and all the producers, he had a lot of work to do. Luckily his writer’s block was gone and now he was trying to make up for lost time. The fun in his music had found it's way back — for which he was hugely grateful.

Something bounced against his head, and he jerked back in surprise. Looking around to see what it was, he found a balled up piece of paper laying on the soundboard next to him. Spinning around in his chair, he saw a laughing Daesung standing by the door.

"In your own world, Hyung?" he asked.

Seung Hyun grabbed the wad of paper and chucked it back at Daesung, who ducked just in time to avoid it. "I was concentrating."

"Concentrating? Is that what they call it? Looked like you were staring off into space to me."

"That's where my rhyme is, off in space, until I grab the words and perfectly craft them into works of art. It's how all the true musical geniuses work," he said with a sly grin.

"Musical genius, Hyung? Yeah, right." He crossed his arms in front of him. "So what do you think of the plan?"

"The plan?" Sung Hyun asked. "Oh, you mean to release two songs at a time? Pretty genius. Gets music out for the fans while still giving us time to make sure everything is perfect." Of course, it also meant more work in an already tightly-packed schedule, but after months of getting nothing accomplished, he found himself eager for the challenge.

"We are going to kill it on the music shows for so long!" Daesung sang, topping it off with a little dance spin. Apparently, Seung Hyun wasn’t the only one happy to get really started again.

And Seung Hyun agreed. With BigBang coming out with new music every month rather than dumping the whole album at once, it was going to make the popularity of each release even bigger, creaming anyone who tried to get in their way.

His phone beeped a text message and Seung Hyun tugged it from his pocket. Flipping open the case, he smiled at the photos of Junsu that welcomed him. Junsu looking cute, Junsu looking funny, Junsu looking sexy. Although, Seung Hyun had to admit, flipping through the photos again — any Junsu was sexy Junsu. He used his fingers to enlarge the picture and smiled at Junsu looking back at him, flashing one of those cute aegyo hand signs.

"What's that?" Daesung asked, craning his neck to try and peek at Seung Hyun’s screen.

Seung Hyun snapped the phone closed and shoved it deep back into his pocket. "It's nothing," he said.

"Hyung, do you have a girlfriend? I mean, Seungri was saying that you did, but I try not to listen to anything that Seungri says — especially when it comes to girls."

His phone beeped again, but this time he ignored it. "No, I don't have a girlfriend."  _ Which wasn't a lie, _ he silently said to Junsu in his head.

"Who were the flowers from then?" Daesung said with a sly smile.

He raised his eyebrow at Daesung. "If you're so interested in relationships, why don't you go and get one for yourself? Because my lips are sealed." His phone vibrated again with another text message and he fought the urge to physically pick up Daesung and toss him out so he can check his messages. "Now if you don't mind, I'm busy, so get out."

"Busy texting with your girlfriend?" Daesung teased. Seung Hyun leapt out of the chair and chased a laughing Daesung out of the room. Closing the door behind him, Seung Hyun quickly pulled his phone out of his pocket.

It had been three days since their walk in the snow, and while they texted each other frequently, they hadn't been able to get their schedules to match up. With both of them working on new albums, their schedules were hectic and were about to get more so. But a Junsu text never failed to pick up Seung Hyun’s spirits. The man was adorable. Seung Hyun felt awkward, thinking of any man as adorable, but that was Junsu in a nutshell. He was an interesting mix of eager naiveté and sexy siren. It was like Junsu was a piece of abstract art. Complex and fascinating.

Chuckling, Seung Hyun opened up his phone and realized Junsu hadn’t sent a photo this time — it was a video file. Thankful he was in a soundproof room, Seung Hyun pushed up the volume and pressed play. Junsu was standing in some sort of dressing room in a vest, like the other pictures he'd sent him, but this one was different. Shiny. Looking into the camera, Junsu wriggled his eyebrows before breaking out into a smooth dance move, which had him thrusting his hips in a way that made Seung Hyun slightly uncomfortable, and then he spun around, showing that the vest was missing a good portion of the back, revealing Junsu's soft, white skin. Seung Hyun gulped as Junsu continued to move his hips in time to the music in his head, the play of his muscles rippling with every movement. Seung Hyun's stomach clenched.

Junsu was so fucking hot.

The video ended and Seung Hyun read the text message that followed. "You like?" And he did. Holy fuck, he did. Seeing Junsu like this made him remember holding him in his arms, the feel of that body under his hands, the taste of Junsu on his tongue. He resisted the urge to call Junsu up and say, "Right now." Junsu's teasing was almost unbearable — Seung Hyun found himself thinking of him all the time. Unable to stop himself, he clicked to watch the video again.

Then again.

Seung Hyun looked up from his phone and caught a reflection of himself in the glass of the soundbooth. He couldn't help but compare himself to Junsu — Junsu was just so beautiful and athletic. So unlike himself. He looked down at the long coat which covered him from neck to knees. Part of him envied how comfortable Junsu was with himself — his ability to just whip off his shirt at the drop of a hat and not be self conscious about what was underneath. About what people would see.

There were moments where, yes, his newfound urges would flare and he'd want to say “fuck it” and give Junsu what Seung Hyun knew he wanted so much. What, if he were honest with himself, he wanted too. But the idea of having to actually take his shirt off, to lay himself bare — to show Junsu everything that he was — and he’d break out in a different kind of sweat. He knew Junsu would be nice about it, that he wouldn't say a word if he were disappointed by what he found under Seung Hyun's shield of clothes, and that was almost worse. Junsu's body was perfection — and he deserved a boyfriend who was the same.

He closed his eyes against the the reflection in the window — but the thoughts remained with him.


	11. The Highs and the Lows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Idol dating isn't easy, especially if your top stars, but more especially if your two top stars who happen to be men.

Seung Hyun tucked his hat low on his head while he did his usual bypass of security at the soccer field. He made a note to talk to Junsu about the situation, as it wasn’t safe for he and his players to be so exposed like this. Of course, downside to fixing bad security? He wouldn't be able to just stop by to see Junsu practice without someone asking questions — unless he or someone he knew joined the team... Seung Hyun thought about it for a moment, trying to come up with a workable solution that didn’t include the smart thing — him staying away from Junsu.

Seungri liked soccer, maybe he could trick Seungri into joining the team.

Due to his own costume fittings (where he had managed duck away for a moment alone in order to snap off a picture of himself in a big black cowboy hat to send off to Junsu with his own, "You like?"), he was later than he'd planned, and Junsu's practice was almost over. Zipping his coat to the top and securing the heavy scarf around his shoulders, he sat in one of the seats and watched Junsu run around the field making plays and cheering the rest of his team on, a bright smile on his face.

Yes, there was no question, Seung Hyun was in trouble. Unable to take his eyes off Junsu, he could feel his heart give a little clench. Was that a flutter? He shook his head. No. He wasn’t a fifteen year old girl. Junsu set off at a dead run, lithe and athletic, chasing after the ball, all cute determination, the short, sport shorts riding high, showing firm muscular thighs, clenching and stretching with every step, and Seun Hyun gulped hard.  

Big trouble.

About fifteen minutes in, Seung Hyun’s ass was freezing from sitting on the cold hard bench, and he wondered how these guys in shorts were keeping warm. He kicked himself for not thinking to bring coffee or something for Junsu. Down on the field, Junsu snagged the ball from the other team and artfully dodged the other players until he neared the goal. Just as he kicked the ball one final time, Doo Joon darted in front of him in an attempt to steal it and Junsu, not seeing him, tumbled over the outstretched leg, landing square on his back on the hard ground. Seung Hyun froze for just a moment before bolting out of his seat and down the stairs. Down on the field, Junsu wasn’t moving as his team mates all rushed towards him yelling out their concerns.

From the voices of the other men, Seung Hyun heard Junsu call out, "Did I make the goal?"

"Ugh. Of course!" Doo Joon shouted. He reached his hand down and pulled a wincing Junsu to his feet. Though Junsu was now swearing at his teammate, his voice was filled with laughter and Seung Hyun released the breath he realized he'd been holding. His legs suddenly weak, Seung Hyun thumped down on to the nearest bench.  

From the running of course. Yeah.

Junsu wrapped up the practice and sent his team to the showers, leaving himself to chase after the scattered balls. The big overhead lights of the stadium turned out leaving the field dark. He knelt down on the and tied his shoe and, realizing they were alone, Seung Hyun made his way to the edge of the pitch and watched, waiting for Junsu to notice him. It didn't take long.

Looking up, Junsu caught sight of him and broke out in a beautiful wide smile that Seung Hyun took pride in knowing was just for him alone. “What are you doing here? I didn’t think I’d be get to see you before my Thailand trip!”

Junsu shot a glance around the darkened pitch to make sure they were alone and, seeing they were, bolted for Seung Hyun. As he got closer and showed no signs of slowing down, Seung Hyun braced himself. When Junsu got close enough he leapt up and jumped, wrapping his muscular legs around his waist and his arms around Seung Hyun's neck. The scent of oranges and sweaty Junsu enveloped him, and he put his arms around Junsu's back and held him close.

"Did you see that? Your boyfriend is the god of soccer,” Junsu tipped back his head and hooted. “Not even Doo Joon could keep me down!"

Aware that someone could come back onto the field, Seung Hyun hugged Junsu tightly back for a moment, enjoying the feeling of Junsu’s out of breath panting against him before untangling his legs from around his waist. Junsu gave him a full pout but stepped back.

"Are you okay, Junsu? That was a hard fall," Seung Hyun asked, looking Junsu over. He looked sweaty and dirty, and grossly alluring, all glowing and shit. Yeah, Seung Hyun realized he was in big, big trouble.

Junsu put his hands on his hips. "Of course I am! The god of soccer can't be taken down — especially by a member of BEAST. I'd never live it down."

Despite his worry, Seung Hyun couldn't help but laugh at the cuteness that was Junsu. He tapped at a soccer ball that was at his feet.

"So what are you doing here?" Junsu asked. He wriggled his eyebrows. "Did you miss me so much you couldn't bear to be away any longer?"

Seung Hyun realized that was a little too close to the truth for him and ignored the question, focusing on trying to flick up the soccer ball with his foot like he'd seen some of the players on TV doing.

"Do you want to play?" Junsu asked. "Do you play soccer? Oh, you should join us! Wouldn't it be great if we were on the same team? You know, teammates Junsu and T.O.P.  We could see each other a lot more then! No one would question it." He was almost jumping up and down in excitement.

"No. I don't play soccer." Seung Hyun said as he gave the ball a final tap, giving up. He learned a long time ago, he wasn’t the sporty type. And he was okay with that — he didn’t even enjoy watching sports — unless they were being played by Kim Junsu apparently.

"Not ever? Come on, everyone plays soccer."

"Nope."

"I bet you're better than you think you are." Junsu smiled and went after the ball, easily kicking it up and bouncing it from knee to knee. "Come on, give it a try." Junsu bounced the ball with a bit more force to get it higher in the air and then easy head butted it in Seung Hyun's direction — where it hit him squarely in the face.

"Fuck!" Seung Hyun winced and put his hand to his nose to make sure it wasn't bleeding. Junsu rushed over and ran his own fingers over Seung Hyun's face.

"Seung Hyun-ah! Are you okay? I'm so sorry! Like a million times sorry! Don’t break up with me!" Junsu’s face scrunched tight with worry, his eyes glossy, which somehow started to take the sting out of it. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t know you were so bad!”

Despite himself, Seung Hyun let out a laugh and caught Junsu’s hand in his giving it a reassuring squeeze. "It fucking hurts, but I’m fine."

Junsu blinked the tears away and then started to giggle. "Do you want me to kiss it, make it better?"

"Get away from me, weirdo," Seung Hyun said, taking a step away from him, tucking his hands in his pockets (before he did something stupid like pulling Junsu in for a different sort of kiss). "Can we get out of here?"

Junsu's face fell, and he kicked at the hard ground. "I'm on a radio show at 10:00 tonight," he grumbled.

"It’s okay. Figured it was a long shot — I know you're busy."

"It's not okay! I want to see you," Junsu pouted, which pushed his already full bottom lip out even further.

Inside, Seung Hyun was pleased. It was good to know Junsu was feeling the same way as he was. He looked down at his watch. "Well, we have a few hours, do you want to hang out until you have to go on air? I could drop you off at the station when we’re done."

"I guess it will have to do." Junsu continued his pout before smiling brightly. "But you have to promise me a real date soon."

"A real date?"

Junsu bent down and picked up the soccer ball. "Yep. A real date. You call me, ask me out, I stress about what to wear, you come pick me up, tell me how good I look, we go out, dinner, music, whatever, have a good time, then you walk me up to my door, where I will bat my eyes at you and try to get you to stay." Seung Hyun watched as Junsu gave those batting eyes a trial run.

"You've thought pretty hard about this, haven't you?" Seung Hyun asked, realizing his own internal plotting hadn’t gotten further than ‘must see Junsu’.

"Yes!” Junsu did a little dance in place, adding in a butt wiggle for good measure. “I've always wanted to go on a date."

That made Seung Hyun pause. "You mean you've never been on a date before?"

Junsu stopped dancing, his face becoming serious before he bent his head down and studied the soccer ball he twisted around in his hands. "Seung Hyun,” he said after a long pause. “I'm a gay idol — there aren't really a lot of chances for me to date."

"But you're so..."  _ Good at it? Sexy? _ Seung Hyun wasn't sure how to complete that sentence.  

“It's you,” Junsu said, still refusing to look up. “I’ve liked you for so long, I don't want to miss out on anything."

Seung Hyun looked around the darkened, deserted stadium before reaching out, putting his hand on the back of Junsu's bowed head and pulled him forward, tucking his blond head onto his shoulder, stroking the damp strands of hair with his thumb. "Come on, let's go, you're wasting time."

Junsu nestled closer, slowly wrapping his arms around him, his warm breath against Seung Hyun’s neck. "Just one more minute, okay?" his voice was still hesitant and un-Junsu-like.

Seung Hyun smiled against Junsu's hair and nodded. "Sure."  Because this was exactly where he wanted to be too.

*********

Later, Seung Hyun climbed back into his car, carrying two steaming hot coffees. Settling into his seat, he handed one of the insulated cups to Junsu. "Are you sure you're okay just hanging out in my car?" he asked.

Junsu grinned cheekily at him before blowing on his coffee. "Are you kidding? This is the ‘it’ date for celebrities — hanging out in a tinted, windowed car — another thing I can check off my list!” He paused to take a sip of his coffee, wincing when it was still too hot. “Besides, if I get too comfortable I'll be mad when I have to leave you to be on the radio."

Seung Hyun put on his seatbelt and started to drive the car aimlessly around the city. Junsu hooked up his phone to the stereo and soon had soft music playing in the background. They chatted about their day, their schedules, Junsu’s touring schedule and BigBang’s plans for the new album. As Junsu’s voice filled the car, Seung Hyun was struck by how easy it was to be with him. For someone who was usually irritated by an overdose of aegyo, he was surprised by how Junsu’s light and exuberant personality managed to charm him whenever they were together. How happy Junsu was, enough to drag Seung Hyun out of his dark moods. He was so kind and sweet, and sneaking a glance at his profile, so fucking beautiful, sometimes he wondered just why Junsu wanted to be with him so much. Wondered just what Junsu saw in him.

"I'm so glad my album came out before yours did." Junsu said, bringing Seung Hyun back to the conversation. "I'd hate to be one of those poor bands that have music coming out the same time as BigBang."

"Yeah, we're going to kill all of them." Cocky T.O.P popped up as he knew since meeting with Junsu and getting back on his game, their sound was tight. This album was going to be good.

Junsu poked at him with one of his long fingers. "I'd feel bad for them," Junsu said, smiling at him wickedly, "if my boyfriend weren't in the band."

Every time Junsu called him his boyfriend, it sent tingles down Seung Hyun's spine. Unable to resist, he reached out and grabbed hold of Junsu's hand, placing it on the center console and interlocked their fingers together. Their fingers, warm from the coffee cups, fit perfectly. Catching Junsu's eye, he smiled, slowly rubbing the back of Junsu's hand with his thumb, swirling over the soft skin. Junsu lifted up their joined hands and pressed his moist full lips to the back of Seung Hyun’s hand.

He was filled with an inexplicable need in the pit of his stomach, building bigger and bigger, until he could almost feel it in his throat. A need he could no longer ignore or hide from or talk himself out of, and making a split second decision he hoped he wouldn’t regret, turned off the main road, heading for a small secluded park down by the river. Since it was winter, the area was completely deserted. For the first time, he gave a mental thanks to Seungri and his endless dating tips — the guy prided himself on knowing all of the secret dating spots. They parked on a hill which overlooked the river and the lights of the city.

Somehow hyperaware of everything, Seung Hyun noticed when Junsu gripped his hand tighter, his nails slightly biting into his hand. Seung Hyun heard Junsu’s breath turn heavy in the anticipation for what he had to know was coming — what they had both been waiting for — and his own breath was caught in his chest.

Turning off first the car then the headlights, Seung Hyun sat there for just a moment, listening to the sounds of their breathing, part of him telling himself to run, to get out of there, but ignoring that stupid part of him, he unclasped his seatbelt. Leaning forward he grasped Junsu's chin, tilted his head up until they just looked at each other, questioning. Excited. Junsu's eyes were dark and smoky and Seung Hyun thought,  _ I did that _ ... He may not know why Junsu had chosen him, but he relished in the effect he seemed to have over him. That this man, who everyone wanted, wanted him. Maybe that meant something.

Slowly, not breaking eye contact, Seung Hyun inched forward, dipping his head down until his lips brushed Junsu's. Their kiss was soft and sweet, almost sleepy, like their last kiss in the snow — until it wasn’t. Junsu made a sound, low in his throat, almost like a breathy whisper, and his want for Junsu overtook logic, overtook that little voice in his head which always seemed to be pulling him back, and he slid his hand to the back of Junsu's head, weaving his fingers through his short soft hair, before hungrily tilting Junsu’s head to get a better angle, to get  _ closer _ , overwhelming him with his kiss. Their lips tangled together and on instinct, he opened his mouth and teased Junsu's lips with his tongue, feeling the softness of his full bottom lip, nipping lightly, demanding entry, wanting more, needing the touch, the taste he’d only sampled before. With a moan, Junsu let him in. Seung Hyun boldly caressed Junsu's tongue with his own, unable to get enough of Junsu’s taste — Junsu and the americano he’d been sipping before they got… distracted.

The noises and sighs Junsu made drove Seung Hyun crazy, almost itching in his own skin, needing to be even closer to him. He pulled Junsu as close as the center console would allow, relishing the feel of Junsu in his arms — even through the layers of clothes. It was better that way — almost like there was a bit of a buffer between them.

As if he could read Seung Hyun's mind, Junsu pushed Seung Hyun back, and not breaking eye contact, undid his own seatbelt and then slowly removed his bulky winter coat, tossing it to the floor. Pausing for a moment, he stripped off the black sweater he wore underneath, revealing his muscular chest. Seung Hyun was unable to take his eyes off him. Junsu before him, his creamy perfect skin, his perfect body. Seung Hyun ached to reach out but held himself back. Junsu climbed to his knees in the seat before smoothly maneuvering over the center console until he could slide one slender leg over him and settled there, straddling Seung Hyun’s lap. Taking Seung Hyun's hands in his Junsu gently laid them on the soft skin of his warm chest.

For a moment Seung Hyun forgot how to breath. Beneath his palm, he could feel Junsu's heart racing like crazy — matching his own.

"Is… this okay?" Junsu asked, for the first time looking hesitant.

Seung Hyun could not make his mouth form words so he simply nodded. Hesitantly, he began to move his hands, slowly feeling his way across Junsu’s skin, down his chest, to his abs, fascinated by the contrast of soft skin and taut muscle. Fascinated by this beautiful man in front of him. Slipping his fingers around, he felt his way around to the smooth back Junsu had teased him with earlier. Junsu gasped, letting out a shuddering breath and arched himself closer to Seung Hyun.

Spurred on by Junsu’s reaction, Seung Hyun took a chance and did something he’d wanted to do every time Junsu wore one of those impossibly low cut t-shirts that exposed his collarbones. He leaned forward and rubbed his lips across the velvety skin, then inching upwards, he followed the cut of the bone with his mouth, lightly drawing designs with his tongue, following one length of bone then back down to reach the other. He took his time, exploring, parts of him unable to believe that he was here, knowing that every time he saw Junsu in the future wearing one of those ridiculous t-shirts that framed him like a picture, he would remember being here, being there. Remember the taste of him, the feel of him, the sound of this man.

Restlessly, Junsu could not stay still, moved his hips, bringing himself achingly closer to Seung Hyun with every movement. Seung Hyun clenched his thighs together, feeling more turned on than he ever had before, just from touching Junsu, from watching him slowly come apart. Part of him relished the control he had over Junsu, craved Junsu’s responses to his touch. Testing him, Seung Hyun opened his mouth and flicked his tongue against Junsu's flat nipple, making Junsu whimper in pleasure, his hips jerking hard against him.

He looked up taking in Junsu’s dark, wild eyes as they stared down at him in wonder, and repeated the gesture. He raised his eyebrow at him, asked wickedly, "You like?" Using Junsu’s own teasing words from earlier in the day against him.

Close to losing control himself, Seung Hyun ran his fingers over the textured muscle of Junsu's back and pulled him closer until their bodies collided in the small space, relishing the feel of Junsu solid against him. Solid. Real. So fucking hot. Testing, he rolled his hips slightly, rubbing himself against Junsu’s hardness. Pleasure set off inside him, and he swore his eyes rolled back inside his head for just a moment. Fuck. He'd never really thought to find a man's body sexy, but Junsu’s body went beyond that — it was beautiful, it was sexy, and it was here for only him. Seung Hyun found Junsu’s neck again and placed his mouth there, sucking lightly, marking Junsu as his.

Junsu gave a loud cry and went wild, grabbing Seung Hyun's head between his own hands and finally returned him to his lips, where they kissed hard and hot, Junsu's hips moving, rubbing them together.

Time passed like that, the windows steaming, as the temperature inside spiked up, the inside of the car filled with soft music and the the harsh sounds of their breathing.  

Junsu worked his fingers between them and fiddled with the buttons of Seung Hyun's coat until one by one it was opened to him, Seung Hyun's sweater the only barrier between them now. Seung Hyun pulled back wary, unsure of himself for the first time that night. He looked at Junsu, bared to the waist, unbelievably beautiful and perfect. Then thought of himself, of the idea of showing his skin to Junsu, of touching him, skin-to-skin.  _ It’s fine _ , he told himself.  _ Stop it you fucking ass, you’re fine, he’s fine (as fuck), and you can do this. _

Unaware of Seung Hyun’s hesitation, Junsu was on a mission, slipping his fingers underneath the hem of Seung Hyun’s heavy sweater and starting to drag it upward. Seung Hyun began breathing heavy, edged with a panic that disgusted him. Junsu tugged a little harder, struggling to pull the button-up shirt Seung Hyun was wearing from where it was tucked tightly into his pants. With every inch that was pulled out, Seung Hyun admonished himself. Tried to make himself calm down. He attempted to distract himself, or possibly Junsu, by reaching forward and kissing the juncture of Junsu’s neck. This just made Junsu pull harder at the offending shirt until, finally, it was free, and as soon as the back of his fingers touched the skin of his stomach, Seung Hyun froze, his brain being ripped back to reality, and instinctively, he grabbed at Junsu's hand, pulling it away from him.

Junsu broke off the kiss and blinked at him, his eyes dark with want. "What's wrong?" his voice was husky and Seung Hyun almost forgot himself, wanting more than anything to get past this, to be able to lose himself in Junsu.

But he couldn’t.

"Uh, nothing. We should get going. I have to get you back for your radio interview, remember?"

Confused, Junsu looked at the clock. "But I still have an hour before I have to be there."

Seung Hyun refused to look him in the eye, instead looking just past him, not trusting himself to give in if he stared directly at Junsu. "Well, traffic. And, you know, we should get you put back together. One look at you and someone is going to know what you were doing in this car."

"Oh… okay," Junsu said as he slowly climbed off Seung Hyun's lap and tugged his sweater back over his head before settling back into his seat. "Are you okay?"

"Sure. Why wouldn't I be?" he asked, when reality he was scared to his bones and wasn’t sure if he could fix it.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhoh Junsu, watch out! Guard your heart! (Also, please forgive me for what I am about to do...)


	12. Black is the color of my true love’s arrow.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Junsu has a sneaky suspicion he messed up. He messed up big. He just hopes he didn't chase away his chance with Seung Hyun. And Seung Hyun? He knows he *is* messed up. Upside? Xia Junsu is an adorable drunk.

Junsu found himself on autopilot during the entire radio program. Throughout his career he’d had enough training where he joked with the guys that he could do promotion in his sleep, but he’d never actually had to put that to the test before.

Relief filled him as the program finally came to a close. Shutting his eyes for just a moment, he pulled the big headphones off and tossed them to the desk. Pinning the best smile he could manage to his face, he bowed to the hosts and thanked them for having him on as his manager hovered worriedly. He’d been with Junsu long enough to know that something was wrong, but Junsu was just too tired to care.

After way too much time later, Junsu was tucked into the back of the darkened nanny van he’d had his manager arrange to pick him up with when he realized he’d be going home alone. Turning his head, he watched as the too-bright lights of Seoul blinked by. The knot in his stomach tied and retied itself tighter and tighter until it physically hurt him to breathe. He was scared — really scared. As, in his bones, he knew he’d messed up with Seung Hyun, pushed him too hard, too fast.

Gah! He was a dummy. A horny, horny dummy. He didn’t deserve the title of boyfriend if this is what he was going to do with it.

Junsu had been keeping himself tightly in check, lecturing himself before he made any contact with Seung Hyun.  _ Don’t be to be too clingy, Junsu. Don’t ask for too much too fast. And for the love of mike — do not to try to jump him whenever you see him. Let Seung Hyun take the lead. _ That was the plan wasn’t it? It was a good plan. It got them this far hadn’t it?

After all that time loving him from afar, Junsu was just happy to be near him, to talk to him — relishing in the idea that he could call Seung Hyun, the person that so many others lusted after, his boyfriend. Even if, whenever he tried it directly to Seung Hyun he got a cute little wild, worried look in his eye. It was enough for him, he’d tried to convince himself, he didn’t need the physical part of their relationship right away, just being with him was enough.

He knew Seung Hyun was coming to terms with the idea of being with a man — with him. He  _ knew  _ Seung Hyun needed time to be ready for that part of their relationship. The last thing Junsu wanted to do was to scare him away, but in one rash moment, that’s exactly what he’d done. Remembering the look of… fear? He thought back to that awful moment in the car. Yes, that was fear. So the  _ fear  _ on Seung Hyun's face made Junsu's stomach clench even tighter until he almost gasped in the pain of it. He leaned his forehead onto the window, the cold glass cooling down his hot skin.

If he'd only kept his big butt in his own seat, he berated himself. Why couldn't he have just been happy with the kisses Seung Hyun was giving him? Just because the man was ready to make out didn't mean he was okay being… mounted. It had just felt so  _ good _ , he thought to himself, so good — better than he'd ever imagined all those years — and he had a pretty good imagination where Seung Hyun was concerned.

It seemed like every moment they were together was one of the best moments of his life, but that one, when they were driving in the car and Junsu knew where Seung Hyun was taking them, the almost unbearable anticipation he'd felt knowing what was going to happen when they got there — knowing that, at least for that moment, Seung Hyun wanted him as much as he wanted Seung Hyun, that would be a moment he could treasure. His heart had raced so hard he had been certain Seung Hyun could hear it.

And then he’d gone and ruined it.

What was he thinking, taking his shirt off? What had possessed him to climb on top of Seung Hyun, making him touch his bare skin? He groaned at the embarrassment of it. For a moment he closed his eyes again, reliving the feel of Seung Hyun's skin on his. The touch of his slightly rough fingertips as he ran them down Junsu's chest. He shivered a bit at the memory, closing his eyes to see it all again. He didn’t have a lot of experience with actual sexytimes, as an idol — let alone a gay idol — he didn’t have much of a chance, but these few minutes already blew everything else out of the water.

He bit the bottom of his full lip to try to stop the tears that threatened to fall.

They pulled into the underground parking lot of Junsu’s building and he looked around hoping, but not really expecting, Seung Hyun to be there. Sadly, as he expected, no handsome man waited for him in the shadows — and his heart broke just a little bit more. Dissolute, he waved goodbye to his manager and dragged himself out of the van, not a single ounce of energy left.

Behind him, he heard the door to the van slam shut and he looked back to see his manager hovering over him anxiously. “Yes?”

“I thought I’d walk you up to your apartment,” he said, his eyes full of concern.

Junsu shook his head and gave him a weary smile. “No, that’s okay, go home to your wife.”

Stubbornly, Han tugged Junsu’s bag from his shoulder and walked towards the elevator. “Ha Na is in the country visiting her grandmother. How about a drink, Sunbae?”

Junsu was about to say no, as he usually never drank, but then thought about it. What was stopping him? He didn’t have anyone waiting for him, maybe a drink was exactly what he needed to stop his mind from spinning over and over again. Isn’t drinking what people did when they had a broken heart?  

“What’s on my schedule tomorrow?” he asked.

Han grinned. “Nothing until 4:00, when we head to Incheon Airport.”

Hours later, Junsu watched as Han lost his fight with consciousness, sleeping sprawled out on his belly on the floor, Leo curled up in a tight ball on his back. He’d forgotten how bad Han was at holding his liquor. His Persian cat wandered over and nudged his head against Junsu’s hand in the universal sign of ‘pet me, Servant’. With a small smile, Junsu picked him up and cuddled him in his arms.

Unfortunately, his own drinking had not been as successful. Though he tried his best to be cheerful, he hadn’t been able to drink the thought of Seung Hyun away. Instead, with each sip, he’d relived each moment until the last. That last, horrible, horrible look. The feeling it gave him. His guilt.

Of course, It didn’t help the fact that each sip reminded him just how much he hated the taste of liquor.

Tears threatened to fall again, and he buried his face in Leo’s soft fur, trying to let the warm sound of his purrs heal him as he knew a cat’s purring could do. He tried to tell himself he was being melodramatic, as he knew he had a flair for the silly, but then that last moment and the look in Seung Hyun’ eyes flashed into his memory. No, that was disgust, and he had put it there.

A small sob escaped him, and he held tighter onto his little love. Cats, the one love he could always depend on. The love that didn’t care if he liked men. Loved a man.

“Junsu-shi?” Han sat up. “Are you okay?” Junsu dropped the cat and scrambled to his feet and turned to the kitchen, hurriedly wiping the tears away.

“I’m fine,” he said, clearing his throat.

“Do you want me to call Yoochun? Or Jaejoong?”

Junsu frantically shook his head. Calling Yoochun was the last thing he wanted to do — the last thing he could do, considering it was just yesterday that Yoochun had warned him against his relationship with Seung Hyun.

He froze, the realization sinking in. He couldn’t go to Yoochun. He didn’t want to bother Jaejoong now; he had enough to worry about with his military service. He couldn’t, or wouldn’t, get advice or comfort from the two men he considered brothers. For the first time in his life, he felt truly alone.

The tears fell harder.

Reaching into the freezer, he pulled out one of the bottles of liquor Yoochun stored there after their last guy’s night, spun off the cap, and gulped a large swallow, right from the bottle. He was determined to drink until today was gone forever.

*********

The bell to his apartment rang. And then rang again. And again. Seung Hyun climbed out of his bed, where he’d been lying there for the last three hours just looking at the ceiling, playing the scene from the car over and over again in his head. He was such an idiot for overreacting like that. The hottest fucking moment in his entire life happens in the front seat of his car, and the mere idea that Junsu might see — or feel his skin — sends him running? Idiot was too mild a word for what he was.

The bell rang again, and Seung Hyun tugged on his heavy bathrobe before heading to the door. When he clicked the light on at the entryway, he froze at the sight of the video monitor. Junsu. Or at least what looked like Junsu’s face mushed up against the camera.

He hesitated before opening the door. What should he say? Or do? Should he apologize? He’d thought he’d have more time before having to face Junsu again. Junsu began tapping insistently on his door to the tune of some sort of internal rhythm. Taking a deep breath, Seung Hyun opened the door, and Junsu, whose face was indeed mushed against the camera, rolled his head to the side and smiled at him, his face flushed pink and his half-closed eyes slightly glassy.

“Junsu, what are you doing here?” he asked.

In response, Junsu reached out his arm and poked his fingers drunkenly into Seung Hyun’s cheek before running them down his cheek again and again, almost as if Seung Hyun was a cat he was petting.

His bleary eyes attempted to focus on Seung Hyun’s face. “Pretty,” he sighed. “You’re so pretty, T.O.P-shi. Do you know? Do you know how much Xia Junsu likes you?” With effort, he moved so he leaned on one shoulder on the wall, freeing his other hand to slap his bangs out of his eyes, scrunching up his nose when they immediately fell back into place. “Xia Junsu likes T.O.P!” he said his voice ringing loud in the hallway.

Seung Hyun winced, looking around, grateful it was so late and there was no one around to see. He stepped back out of Junsu’s reach and held the door open wider. “Come inside,” he said. “I’ll get you some coffee.”

With a sigh, Junsu shrugged and ducked inside, immediately stumbling over Seung Hyun’s shoe pile. Seung Hyun reached out to steady him, but Junsu flailed out his arms, somehow managing to balanced himself. After a couple of fumbles, he kicked off his own shoes and added them to the pile.

Still standing back, he watched as Junsu waved his way to the living room, humming what sounded like a slurred rendition of  _ Still Alive _ . Junsu threw himself face down onto the couch and Seung Hyun held back a protest, trying not to think about how expensive that couch was.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you drunk before.”

Junsu buried himself into the cushions, twisting this way and that, apparently trying to get himself comfortable — Seung Hyun wanted to tell him it wasn’t that sort of sofa but instead just settled back to watch. Giving up, Junsu hauled himself back upright and blearily looked over at Seung Hyun.

“That’s because Xia Junsu does not like to drink.”

And apparently Xia Junsu referred to himself in the third person when drinking. For some reason Seung Hyun found it adorable. “We’ve been drinking before.”

Junsu waved his finger at him, blinking long blinks. “You have drunk. You like to drink. A lot. Lots and lots. Xia Junsu does not like the taste. Yuck,” he said with a shudder, then giggled and gave another, more exaggerated, shudder, landing himself flat on the couch again.

Seung Hyun thought back to the times where they’d been together — had Junsu really not drunk anything? And had he really not noticed? He shook his head in disgust with himself. It was just further proof that he was not any good at this relationship stuff. Or whatever this was. Or used to be before he went and messed it all up tonight.

“You should have told me,” he said.

Shrugging so hard his shoulders touched his ears, Junsu sighed, “S’okay. Xia Junsu is used to it. And T.O.P-shi likes it so much, why should he stop for Xia Junsu?”

Yep. No doubt about it, he was an oblivious asshole. 

He turned to the kitchen and started brewing a pot of coffee before hitting the cupboard, which held some of his hangover medication, and grabbed a vial for Junsu. When he looked back to the living room, he saw Junsu was keeping himself entertained, this time petting the fuzzy throw he’d left draped on the back of the sofa.

Once the coffee was done, he poured Junsu a cup and went back to the couch and held out the medicine to Junsu. “Here, drink this.”

Junsu grabbed the bottle, and after sniffing it suspiciously, chugged it back. He grimaced and made a series of horrible and dramatic faces. “That tastes worse than the soju — and soju is  _ terrible _ !”

He placed the empty bottle on the coffee table and then drunkenly patted the couch next to him. “T.O.P-shi, come sit next to Xia Junsu.”

Seung Hyun leerily eyed the empty seat next to a soft and happy Junsu and tied the ties to his robe tighter, until it felt like he was being dissected at the middle. “I’m okay here.”

Junsu pouted, his full bottom lip pushed out, and Seung Hyun was filled with the desire to go over there and bite on it. Yes, he thought, yes it’s better if he stayed right where he was.

Realizing the pout wasn’t working, Junsu tried for cross, but still only managed to look like petulant child. “T.O.P-shi. Why are you ignoring me? Don’t you know how important I am? I am Xia Junsu! Come. Sit. HERE.”

Despite his better judgement, Seung Hyun could not resist the urge to do what Junsu asked. He needed to be near him. To feel him next to him, to smell that Junsu scent. No matter how much it cost him.

He circled the coffee table and gingerly sat down next to Junsu, careful to leave a few inches between them. Which was a fairly futile effort, as almost as soon as he sat down, Junsu crowded closer and closer to him. They played the shuffling game where Seung Hyun would retreat inch by inch, and Junsu, the homing pigeon, would follow, until Seung Hyun ran out of couch and was forced to stop. Junsu closed in, not stopping until just a few inches separated them.  

“Why are you here, Junsu?” Seung Hyun asked.

Junsu frowned, bowing his head low, his absurd green hair shining brightly in the dim light. “Sorry,” he mumbled.

“Sorry? Why are you sorry?”

Junsu waved a hand in the air, “Things. Too much things. Too far things.”

“For what?” Seung Hyun asked, confused.

“Xia Junsu doesn’t want you to be mad at him. Don’t be mad, Seung Hyun.” He leaned closer and put his head on Seung Hyun’s shoulder. Seung Hyun noticed Junsu’s usual orange scent was eclipsed by the smell of alcohol. “Xia Junsu wants you to be happy with him. Wants him…”

He snuggled in closer, his firm body pressed against Seung Hyun’s arm until his nose nuzzled Seung Hyun’s neck. Seung Hyun could feel Junsu’s moist breath warm against his neck and despite himself, his body tighten with a now familiar desire. A desire for Junsu.

Junsu tilted his head forward slightly until his lips just barely brushed the side of Seung Hyun’s neck, and he shuddered. As Junsu edged even closer to him, Seung Hyun sat there, frozen, waiting for whatever came next, his heart thumping heavy in his chest.

Parting his lips, Junsu flicked his tongue out and tasted Seung Hyun. Unable to contain himself, Seung Hyun groaned at the sensation — which Junsu obviously took as a sign to continue on, and he proceeded to lick and nibble his way up Seung Hyun’s neck. In an effort to resist the urge to pull Junsu into his arms, Seung Hyun gripped his fingers tightly into the edges of the couch cushion, for once not worrying that he was damaging the fabric.

“Sorry… sorry… sorry…” Junsu kept whispering against his neck. Seung Hyun still wasn’t sure exactly what he was apologizing for, but couldn’t get seem to form the words he needed to ask. Without a conscious thought, he closed his eyes and tilted his head to the side, just a bit, to allow Junsu better access.

The concession was not lost on Junsu, who wriggled himself underneath Seung Hyun’s arm, plastering himself against his side. He continued his exploration of Seung Hyun’s neck until he found the heavy pulse of his of his racing heart, and there he paused, kissing and licking the spot, driving Seung Hyun crazy with what could only be considered lust.

He was constantly surprised as to just how fast and how much Junsu could turn him on.  Whether they were together or even, fuck, just thinking about their time together, he was almost always in a constant state of readiness. Yes, he’d been aroused before — by women of course — but his connection to Junsu just made this bigger, made his body hotter, and… made his panic burn bright, warring with his desire. He tried to push it aside. To convince himself to just let go — to just throw himself into the moment and do what they both obviously wanted so much.

Resolved, he shoved all his bad thoughts aside, and determined, he laid his hand on Junsu’s thigh, feeling the hard muscles flexing beneath the soft knit of his trousers. Junsu froze for just a moment, making a sound low and deep in his throat before suddenly he backed up and sat upright. He took Seung Hyun’s face in his hands and softly turned his head, his palms warm and soft against his skin, until they were face-to-face and their eyes met. Seung Hyun was struck by Junsu’s eyes, which were usually happy and laughing but were now dark and smoky with want and… He was so fucking beautiful. So perfect and beautiful. And it was obvious Junsu wanted to be with him.

Seung Hyun pushed the thought away, as the panic burst through and his brain told him again to get out of there, to run away before things got really out of hand.

Junsu pulled him in ever so slowly, their faces getting closer; until Seung Hyun could feel Junsu’s full bottom lip — the lips he found himself thinking of again and again at odd times — brush lightly over his own. Junsu did not close his eyes; instead, he looked deep into Seung Hyun’s as he lightly explored his mouth. Seung Hyun was mesmerized and could not close his own, not even to blink. It was a connection that was deeper, them together, alone, and yet not alone, on this couch.

His breath caught and his heart raced even harder until he thought Junsu could hear it pound.

Junsu took his time with the kiss, nibbling and sucking at each of Seung Hyun’s lips until he was squirming in his seat, desperate for more and yet scared to try. Finally, Junsu moved his hands from Seung Hyun’s cheeks and slid them around the back of his head, pulling him closer, and in turn, taking their kiss deeper. Junsu’s tongue stroked through his mouth, hot and moist, tasting of soju and hangover medicine. Seung Hyun thought he could get drunk just tasting him.

Seung Hyun couldn’t tell how long they stayed like that, just sitting on the couch, slowly exploring each other’s mouths, breaking apart only for harsh hard breaths before reaching for each other again. But he felt like he could stay there forever, right on the cusp of delicious arousal. They’d kissed before, but they’d always seemed like they were hurried, taboo snitches of time. Now, it seemed as though they had all the time in the world.

Maybe he could do this, he thought. If they could just stay like this, fully clothed and yet still touching, maybe he could get past himself and his stupid fears.

But Junsu clearly had other ideas and his hands began to drift down from the back of Seung Hyun’s neck to rest on the lapels of his bathrobe. Breaking apart their kiss, Junsu followed the path from where he’d come, kissing his way back down Seung Hyun’s neck, past his pulse point, down the thick muscle, until he reached the base and began to make his way inward, over his collarbone until he settled into the hollow of his throat where he met the firmly buttoned top button of Seung Hyun’s pajamas.

Seung Hyun felt himself quickly begin to cool as he realized where Junsu was headed. What Junsu meant to do once he got there. He took a deep breath and told himself to chill out. This was fine. He lo– liked Junsu. Junsu liked him. Junsu wouldn’t judge him or mock him for whatever flaws he found.

Junsu reached his hands over and unbuttoned the top button revealing about an inch of skin.  _ You’re okay, _ Seung Hyun told himself.  _ You’re fine, you big baby, you can do this. _ With the little triangle of flesh uncovered, Junsu hummed happily as he investigated with his lips, covering the area with kisses.

Seung Hyun had begun to relax when he felt Junsu go for the next button. His heart began to pound as the button loosened and Junsu pulled away the fabric to expose more skin. As he had before, he kissed every inch of his new discovery as if he were mapping some foreign land, planning to claim it for himself.

The tension, which was delicious and sexy just moments ago, was now cold in his chest. When Junsu went for the next button, Seung Hyun’s mind blanked and he jerked to his feet, knocking a surprised Junsu to the floor.

Quickly, he buttoned up each of his buttons and pulled the robe closed; tying the tie so tight it cut into his skin again.

Junsu looked up at him questioning, but disgusted with himself, Seung Hyun could not bear to look at him. “Seung Hyun-ah. What’s wrong?”

Seung Hyun frantically shook his head. Unable to express his shame, his fear.  “I think you should go.”

Junsu jumped up from the floor. “What’s wrong? What did I do?”

“Nothing, it’s not you, it’s me. I can’t… I just need you to go.”

“Not until you tell me what is going on!” Junsu grabbed his arm, but the touch was too much for Seung Hyun and he shook him off.

“I just can’t do this.” He said.

“What? This?” Junsu said, gesturing to the couch, “or us?”

Seung Hyun ran his hands through his hair. “I don’t know, Junsu. It’s just too much for me. You’re too much for me. I thought I could do it, but I can’t.”

Junsu stepped back, once, twice, but Seung Hyun refused to look at him. Refused to look at the pain he knew he had to be causing right now but he was helpless to stop — to stop the words that were coming out of his mouth — helpless to stop himself from hurting. He needed Junsu to leave before he waivered and got them into even more trouble than they were in now. “Just go.” He paused for a moment and then whispered, “please.”

He turned away and stood at the windows, his fingers clenched so hard until he his nails bit into his skin. There was a long pause before, finally, he heard the beep and click of the closing door. It was only then that he allowed himself to sink to the floor.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why do I insist on breaking Junsu's heart? What has he ever done to me? We're about to hit the dark middle guys. Brace yourselves but always remember — Fanfic Jjigae demands a happy ending. 
> 
> I post fun TopSu stuff at [my tumblr](http://fanficjjigae.tumblr.com/), come join me! 
> 
> *title comes from an Elvis Perkins song.


	13. As If Nothing Ever Happened

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the aftermath of their breakup, both Seung Hyun and Junsu try to deal in their own ways, Seung Hyun by throwing himself into the social scene with Seungri and Junsu by shutting himself off from those around him. Luckily, his JYJ brothers aren't going to stand for that for long...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writers Note: I wrote all this before the whole Yoochun scandal came out. Guilty, not guilty, not my call, but it does make me pause a bit. I considered writing him out of the story, replacing him with Jaejoong, but with the schedule of Jaejoong heading off into the military, and the sheer personality that I'd written in and need to have to make certain plot points move forward, I couldn't make the swap. So, I'm leaving his scenes as is. Since the story isn't completed yet, I am thinking going forward I'll make some plot changes. (After Chapter 18) Yep. This is fiction, but I just wanted to address the situation. Now onto our regularly scheduled angst.

Junsu jumped as the door to his manager’s office banged open with a loud thump, revealing an irate Yoochun. “What are you doing here, Yoochun?” he asked, not able to hide his shock. “Did you get called in by management too?” His eyes widened further. “Did we do something? Are we in trouble? Is it SM?”

That was all Junsu needed right now. He had enough on his plate the last month just keeping himself together. It was easier now that he was performing _Flower_ concerts almost every day. Now, there were whole hours, whole chunks of time where he was able to block Seung Hyun out of his head. Hours of time where he was able to forget just how much his heart hurt, how heavy the weight of blame felt on his shoulders.

He’d never had his heart broken before, and if this was what it felt like, he was determined to never, ever, ever, he swore on the lives of all his cats, fall in love again — and he took swears on the lives of his cats very seriously.

Yoochun closed the door behind him hard, and Junsu jumped again at the thump, jerked out of his thoughts. From the look on his face, Yoochun was pissed, and it took a lot to get Yoochun pissed.

Stomping towards him, Yoochun loomed tall, his nostrils flaring, and Junsu shrank back a bit in his chair.

“No, it’s not SM. No, _we’re_ not in trouble. However you, YOU are in trouble, Junsu,“ he said, in a low tight voice.

“Me? What did I do?”

“You don’t know what you did? Ummm… how about ducking my calls? How about avoiding contact with Jaejoong and I so much that I have to pull strings in order to get into the same room with you?”

“You arranged this meeting?” Junsu had been surprised when his manager had insisted the agency had needed to meet with him today. He’d just arrived back from his the last of his concert tour in Tokyo early this morning and was exhausted, but those two extra concerts were worth it.

“How the hell else was I supposed to see you?” Yoochun took off his coat and tossed it onto the desk. “Why are you avoiding Jaejoong and me? Why am I getting panicked calls from your manager? Why are you pushing yourself so hard?”

Junsu shook his head. “I’m not avoiding you! I’ve had concerts and promotion…”

“That’s bullshit Junsu,and you know it. We’ve all had our own things before and have managed to stay in touch. Have made time for each other.” He leaned over Junsu’s chair. “Junsu, Jaejoong is leaving next week. For two fucking years. Next week. And you can’t be bothered to go see him off?”

Junsu slunk low in his seat. Yes, he’d been avoiding them. He knew he didn’t have any other option. He knew just a few prodding comments from Yoochun and he’d cave and tell them everything. Share his pain, share the sadness that was now his constant companion. It was always like that, he just couldn’t keep anything from them, it was like Yoochun had some magical, irritating truth-telling power over him, and Junsu was doing everything in his own power to not run to them, lay his troubles down at their feet, to have them try to make everything right. Because they couldn’t this time.

He got himself into this mess; he was going to get himself out.

Yoochun thumped his fist down on the desk.  “What, you have a boyfriend now and suddenly we’re not your brothers anymore? You don’t have time for us?”

His jaw dropped. Is this what they thought of him? He finally looked Yoochun in the eye, saw not just the anger, but the worry, and worst of all, the hurt. “No! It’s not like that!”

“Then what is it, Junsu, what is going on?”

“I’m sorry. I just…” Junsu was at a loss for words, not sure what to tell him. He didn’t want to lie to Yoochun, but he was pretty sure there was no way his heart could take an “I told you so” either. The ever-present tears jumped into his eyes, and he turned his face to the side, desperately trying to blink them away, not wanting Yoochun to see.

Yoochun stopped pacing and quickly came to Junsu’s side. He tucked his hand under Junsu’s chin and tugged at him until they were face to face. Junsu watched as the anger faded to concern. “Junsu, please tell me, what is wrong,” Yoochun begged. “We’re worried about you. You’re working too hard. You’re not eating. You’ve gotten so thin. Something is going on, please, tell me. I want to help you.”

Looking at his oldest and dearest friend and seeing all the love for him written right there on his face, Junsu finally broke and let his tears slide down his face. “I… I messed up.”

“Xia Junsu doesn’t mess up. What happened?”

“I did, and I can’t fix it.” Yoochun reached into his pocket and pulled out a hanky and handed it to Junsu. “With Seung Hyun. I… I scared him away. I ruined everything.”

“You mean this is about that asshole? I’m going to kill him!” Junsu saw Yoochun start to get angry again, and he shook his head frantically.

“No, no it was all me! I want your word you won’t do anything to him. Swear Yoochun — or I won’t say another word.” Junsu was aware of Yoochun’s temper, and he refused to be the reason that Seung Hyun was hurt — again.

Yoochun studied Junsu’s face, and Junsu tried to make his features look as stubborn as possible. Which wasn’t hard. When it came down to it, he had a stubborn streak as wide as Yoochun’s temper.

“Fine.” He said through clenched teeth.

Junsu sighed, not sure where to start. He worried the hanky in his hands, trying to find the right words. Trying to make the words come out at all. “I knew he wasn’t comfortable with the… the physical part of our relationship. But I was just so… excited.”

“Um. Ew. Maybe I don’t need the details,” Yoochun teased, and Junsu knew he was just trying to get him to smile — and it worked. He cracked the smallest smile.

“Not like that. It’s just. You don’t understand. For the first time I was able to really be… me.”

“You can’t be you with Jaejoong and me?” Yoochun asked, coming down to sit in the chair next to him.

“It’s… different. I’ve never been able to be in a relationship before. To be in… love.  To get to experience everything that you guys take for granted. To smile at someone, to hold their hand, to know that they are just… yours. I don’t know, it’s hard to explain.”

“Junsu, it’s not like Jaejoong and I are out there having relationships. While we know what you go through is worse, it’s not like we don’t partially understand what you’re dealing with.”

“You’re right, with me it’s different. There was always a chance I was never going to be able to have a relationship at all, even once,” he waved his arm around the room, “all this is over. You and Jaejoong can’t date now — or have a harder time dating now — but eventually, you will meet girls, get married, and when you have babies, society will point at you, saying “awwww, isn’t that cute?” But for me? I can never ever come out. I can never have what you have. I won’t be a dad.”

His voice caught on that last one, as it was the hardest thing he’d had to come to terms with when admitting to himself he was gay. He heard in other countries it was becoming more accepted there. That people like him could get married, could have children, or adopt them, but he knew it would be a very long time before anything like that would be accepted in his country. He tried to comfort himself with the idea that his twin would have children, as would Yoochun and Jaejoong. And when that happened, he’d be the best uncle there was. But in his heart, he knew it wouldn’t be the same.

“I thought that this was my chance. And with Seung Hyun? The guy I’ve loved for years? It was like a pretty fairy came and granted me all my wishes. At once.” He smiled through his sadness. “But I pushed too hard. I pushed him past what he was comfortable with, and he ran away.”

“Do you think you’re overreacting? I’m sure it’s not that bad… Not that I’m supporting this thing with Seung Hyun,” Yoochun quickly added.

Junsu shook his head. “You didn’t see his face. I… disgusted him. What I wanted to do.”

Yoochun shot up. “I’ll _kill_ him.”

And that was why Yoochun was his best friend. “No. It’s not his fault. He’s just. What do they say?” He smiled sadly. “Just, not that into me.”

“Not that into you? You’re Xia Junsu. How can anyone not be into you?” Junsu gave him another smile, this one actually real, and sniffed. As always, just talking to Yoochun made him start to feel just a teeny bit better. It was a blessing to have someone who was always in your corner.

“Sex — gay or straight — is pretty important. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me.” Which was what he’d been  trying to tell himself this last month, over and over again. “Besides, wasn’t it time for me to have my first heartbreak under my belt?” he joked, trying to lighten the mood. Yoochun might look really reserved and a little cold to those around him, but Junsu knew better. When his friends hurt, so did he.

“So he dumped you?” Yoochun snorted. “That just proves what a loser this guy is, and you’re good to be rid of him. But, Junsu. I don’t understand. What does this have to do with you avoiding Jaejoong and I?”

Junsu looked down at his hands clutching Yoochun’s now-mangled hanky. “I… Well, you had already said. Well…”

“Junsu. Spit it out. We don’t really have all day here.”

He took a deep breath, pretty sure he was about to piss off Yoochun. Again. “Well, you already told me he was bad news, and I decided to keep dating him anyway… I didn’t think it was fair of me to then come whining to you when it didn’t work out.”

“YOU MEAN TO TELL ME YOU LET THIS ASSHOLE COME BETWEEN US??” Yoochun shouted, and Junsu shrunk back, realizing now just how stupid and messed up he’d become.

“Junsu. I don’t fucking care about things like that. We are brothers. You have an issue, you come to me, or you come to Jaejoong — we swore, when we left SM that we’d stick together, didn’t we? That we’d have each other’s backs?”

Junsu nodded, tears flooding back into his eyes. .

“It’s the same here. When you have a problem, any problem, we are your first call. Same for us. We are brothers.”

Junsu would have thought by now he’d run out of tears. That, after all these weeks, he would have used up this year’s allotment of tears. This lifetime’s. To his dismay, they just kept coming, an unending supply. But, as he finally let go and cried there in the office, cried so hard his shoulders shook, being comforted by his chosen brother, these tears were different. This time, tears brought a feeling of relief into his system. Of much needed comfort. He wasn’t alone. He never had been. He had just needed to be reminded of that. No, nothing was fixed. He knew it was still going to hurt like hell. But knowing that he hadn’t messed up this part of his life, too? It was enough for right now.

Yoochun awkwardly patted Junsu’s shoulder, letting his brother cry it out. His eyes were hard with an anger he hid from Junsu. That asshole messed with the nicest, sweetest person ever — and Yoochun swore he would not get another chance to do so.

*********

“So, the contract came through.”

Seung Hyun, startled out of his thoughts, looked at his manager in surprise. “What came through?”

Wooshik frowned and sat back in his chair. “Secret Message? What we’re here to talk about?”

Seung Hyun crossed his legs and reminded himself to focus, something he’d been doing a lot lately. Ever since that night with Junsu, he’d thrown himself back into his work, which luckily, with the ambitious preparations for _MADE_ and the world tour under way, there was plenty to do.

A dull headache sat heavy on the back of his head, reminding him that he hadn’t actually gone home to sleep last night. After the last of the filming for _Bae Bae_ wrapped, he just didn’t have the energy to face his apartment — it had been easy enough to convince Seungri to hit the clubs, and Seung Hyun had followed him to one after another until they’d ended up at a tiny hangover soup joint this morning. He adjusted his sunglasses to make sure not a speck of sunlight made its way to his dry, burning eyes.

“T.O.P.” His manager said, exasperated,  trying to get his attention again.

“Yes.” He shook his head. “Sorry, that filming yesterday…”

“Sure it wasn’t all the partying with Seungri? I heard you guys lived it up last night.” His manager chuckled and wriggled his eyebrows. “Just try not to create any scandals. Fangirls do not want to see their oppas with other girls.”

And just how would they feel if they saw their oppa with another man? Seung Hyun shook the thought away as soon as it popped up. No, he reminded himself for the millionth time since that horrible night, that part of his life was over. He’d destroyed it when he chased Junsu away. And really, this was the best for the both of them — he was a coward, and Junsu deserved someone so much better.

Right. So they were both better off.  He made the right decision. Time to get back to real life. Forcing thoughts of Junsu out of his brain, he turned his focus resolutely back on his manager. “Understood. So, I got the drama?”

*********

As he was leaving the office to head down the dreaded dance practice — just what his brain needed today — he bumped into Seungri in the hallway.

“Bro! Last night was fucking awesome!” Seungri thumped him hard on the shoulder, grinning widely. “Those chicks were hot, weren’t they?” Seung Hyun winced at the irritating brightness of Seungri in the morning. How could Seungri be so bright and awful? He’d partied harder than Seung Hyun had.  

“Yeah. Sure.”

And he _had_ noticed them. There were a lot of hot women in short short skirts looking to make time with them, and he’d thrown himself into it. All part of his plan on trying to make the last few months of his life disappear.

“That one girl, the one with the boobs? Dude, you totally should have hit that! She was all over you!” Seung Hyun remembered the girl, with her barely there dress and her come fuck me smile. She had hung off him at several time during the night, and he thought he could still smell her strong perfume lingering on his clothes.

“So, did you talk to him?” Seungri asked as the continued their way down to the dance practice room.

“Who?”

“Dur. Junsu!”

Seung Hyun whipped his head around to look at Seungri. What exactly had he said last night? Had he been that drunk? Would this be a repeat of the time he called into that radio station, drunk? He had trouble living that down, but with Seungri and his big blabbermouth, this would be so much worse.

A PA walked by, and Seungri leered and bowed, causing the girl to giggle, then stopped to watch the girl’s butt as she walked away. He grabbed his heart and smiled, pretending to faint back, “Man, I love working here.”

Seung Hyun grabbed his arm. “What about Junsu?” he asked sharply.

Surprised, Seungri stepped back a bit. “Dude. Relax. About joining the soccer team.”

“Oh.” Seung Hyun let go of Seungri’s jacket then, trying to be cool, asked, “Why would you ask me?”

“I heard from Tablo that you guys were like, friends or something. I thought maybe you could talk to him about letting me join the team. Junsu’s the captain, and I hear he’d pretty strict about who they let in.” He kicked at an imaginary ball. “Dude, they need me on that team.”

Friends? Had they been friends? A vision of Junsu smiling up at him, his aegyo a solid 10, and Seung Hyun smiled despite the sharp, familiar pain. Yes, whatever else they were, they had been friends. And he missed him every day.

“Hyuuuuuuung,” Seungri whined, attempting his own terrible version of aegyo. “Tell Junsu he needs to give me a spot.”

Shaking his head, Seung Hyun continued down the hall, the dance practice he usually had to be dragged to easily winning out over talking to Seungri about Junsu.

When they reached the dance practice room he was surprised to see Tablo sitting on one of the ugly overstuffed couches in the small waiting room.

“Hyung! What are you doing here?” he exclaimed honestly happy to see him. “You guys planning on becoming an idol group? Get your dance on?” He did a couple of goofy dance moves which had Tablo and Seungri laughing.

“We do what we can to stay relevant, man,” Tablo said.

“Hey, I heard about HIGHGRND, congratulations Hyung, that is a huge step.” Tablo and his new sub-label was the talk of YG. Seung Hyun knew Tablo would make it a huge success.

Tablo nodded. “Thanks man, we’re excited. When are you going to come work with me?”

“Any time, Hyung, any time.” And he meant it. Tablo was as brilliant as Ji Yong to work with and on a few drinking nights they’d discussed the idea of coming up with some sort of follow up for _Doom Dada_. It would be interesting to see what they would both bring to the table.

Jumping on the couch next to him, Seungri excitedly tugged on Tablo’s arm. “Hey. Tablo-hyung! Didn’t you say that Seung Hyun was friends with Junsu? Tell him to make Junsu put me on his team.”

“Brat, I told you if you want to join the team go and try out like everyone else.” Tablo looked at Seung Hyun and rolled his eyes.

Seungri kicked his feet into the ground. “Why are you guys such jerks to me? I’m nice to you. I mean, I took Seung Hyun out last night to meet some sweet chicks — and I don’t just let anyone into my crew.”

Well, this is awkward, Seung Hyun thought. He hadn’t actually spoken with Tablo since that time Junsu had arranged them to meet at his dance studio. Cautiously, he looked at Tablo and found him studying him.

“You were out partying with Seungri?” He asked, clearly confused. “I thought…”

“Yeah, there was this girl, you should have seen her Hyung, she was at total bagel girl,” he said, waving his hand around to mimic a woman’s figure. An ample woman’s figure. “She was all over him! And my man here, he took care of business.” He popped his collar. “Not as good as me of course, but then again, I am Seungri and he is pitiful T.O.P.”

Seung Hyun lunged at Seungri and, before he could say anything else, had him in a headlock on the floor. They wrestled there for a few minutes until suddenly a huge weight fell on Seung Hyun’s back and he lost his air with an “ooof.”

Daesung. In spite of himself, Seung Hyun laughed, spurred on by the fingers Daesung was now digging into his side. From the corner of his eye, he could see Taeyang rushing over from the doorway, a bright smile on his face, calling for Ji Yong, and Seung Hyun braced himself for another hit as he landed in a BigBang pile on the floor.

*********

Jaejoong tossed his arm over Junsu’s shoulder. “For real? You actually got with your bias? That’s like every fangirl’s wet dream.”

Some dreams should stay dreams, Junsu thought before shaking it out of his head. He was here with his best friends, together for the last time in at least two years. He refused to let anything ruin it for him.

Plastering a bright smile on his face, he looked down at the sample face masks they were considering endorsing (mixing business and pleasure), stuck his fingers in each of the tubs, gathering a good amount of goo and carefully smeared them down Jaejoong’s face. He leaned back and looked at the black, green, and brown lines streaking his friend’s cheek. “You look good in camo, Hyung.”

Jaejoong leaned in and gave him a big sloppy kiss on his cheek. “I’m going to miss you, Duckbutt. But don’t change the subject, I want all the details, Yoochun won’t tell me anything.”

Yoochun glowered from the corner. “That’s because T.O.P is a douche, and Junsu-yah is better off without him.”

“Why?” Jaejoong whined. “I remember drinking with him a few times back, like a million years ago. He didn’t seem so bad. Is it that Junsu-being-too-busy-for-us thing? Come on, Yoochun, he’s been in looooove with T.O.P for years. Who knew he’d actually have a chance to bag him? I mean who would have thought he was actually gay?” He patted Junsu on the cheek. “Although, who could resist the lure of our little Duckbutt?”

Blinking hard, Junsu leaned over, speared a large chunk of meat that sizzled on the grill in front of them, and jammed it into Jaejoong’s mouth. “It's true, I am Xia Junsu, who could resist my charms?” he said, batting his eyelashes at him before taking a deep breath and shooting a pointed glance at Yoochun. “But, I threw him back into the Han River. He is not the right fish for me.”

Chewing furiously, Jaejoong swallowed hard. “Why? You’ve liked him for yearrrrrrrs.”

Pretending to look one way, then another, he whispered, “He hates cats.”

“Ohhhhh,” Jaejoong said, needing no more explanation.

While he didn’t like keeping things from Jaejoong, he was headed off to the military in two days, and now that Junsu had mercifully been dragged back into the fold, he wasn’t going to ruin their remaining time with any of his mopeyness. Nope, he told himself, mopeyness was even done for him. He had too much good in his life to be sad. He had a family who loved him. His brothers here would do anything for him. Toscana was holding its own. His concerts were selling out in minutes all over Asia. He’d been offered a part _Death Note_ which meant a return to the musicals he loved. And he was seriously considering getting a new dog. Life was good. It was time for him to remember that and start acting like it.

Now, if only his heart would listen to his head.

*********

As Junsu stretched his tired muscles backstage, preparing for the upcoming rehearsal and soundcheck before his second Fukuoka concert, Duncan walked over and offered him a small to-go cup. “Americano? I know how much you like them,” he said, with a friendly smile.

Accepting it gratefully, Junsu took a deep sip. He’d been trying to cut his Americano habit back from about eight cups a day to five, but he didn’t drink, he didn’t smoke, so he figured he was allowed one vice. Besides, with how tired he was from his recent schedule and the extra energy he was putting out to pretend he was still the same Junsu, he was wiped out. The excitement of performing usually got him through the concert itself, but they still had a ways before that and, as usual, lots of meet-and-greets beforehand. He sighed and took another sip.

“That April Fools joke you pulled was epic, Junsu!” Duncan said, popping a squat on the floor next to him. “When I read your tweet, I thought you were really getting married!”

Junsu snickered out loud, thinking of the prank he’d played on his fans, announcing that he was tired of being alone and had decided to marry. “No one saw that one coming! Even my mom called me!” His very upset mother, who was mad he’d decided to marry a girl she’d never met, let alone approved a wedding for. When Jaejoong dared him to do it on their last hang night, he’d known he had to do it.

“I was disappointed…” Duncan said.

“Disappointed?” Junsu asked, cocking his head at him. “Did you think I’ll stop performing if I get married? Don’t worry, I’m going to need back up dancers for a long, long time!”

Duncan fiddled with the a large silver ring on his finger. “Just disappointed. I always thought you were… nevermind.”

One of the event workers came over and shyly asked him for a photo. Smiling brightly, Junsu agreed and climbed to his feet, asking Duncan to take the shot for them. They took a couple of shots and the girl thanked him and bowed before rushing off to get back to her job.

Coming to stand next to him, Duncan handed him back his coffee. “So, what are you doing after this, Junsu?”

Junsu took another sip of the now cold coffee. “When?”

“After the show?”

He thought about it. “Well, it’s the last concert so I head back to Korea tomorrow.” Then, blessedly he had four days off before he flew back to Japan for his concert dates in Nagoya. If possible, when he got back to Korea, he was going to turn off his phones, all of them, and take a whole 24 hours for himself. He knew it probably wouldn’t actually happen — his management was already bugging him about some sort of big meeting with possible big news — but the fantasy of just him and his cats, alone, seemed like a sweet dream.

Duncan inched a little closer to him. “No, I mean tonight. Do you want to… maybe go out?”

Junsu thought about it for a moment, confused, and then smiled again. “You mean with the crew? Sure! Why not?” He gestured over to his body guard. “Wonsik, when I’m stage, will you talk to someone about getting a place big enough for everyone to go out?”

Wonsik nodded. “Food?”

“Well, I’ll be starving, so I’m sure these guys will be too!”

Another coordi called out, announcing five minutes until the start of soundcheck. Junsu handed Duncan the empty coffee cup. “Great idea Duncan. Fighting!” The familiar rush of preshow adrenaline beginning to rush him, flushing out any remaining sleepies, he bounded off to his dressing room with Wonsik trailing behind, leaving Duncan standing alone.

 

 

You can check out Junsu's Japan performance [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dg6y6Lrn5C0&feature=youtu.be). 

I post fun TopSu stuff at [my tumblr](http://fanficjjigae.tumblr.com/), come join me!

 


	14. April Fools On You!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Junsu plays a trick which puts him back on Seung Hyun's radar.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay! Scheduling caught me a little short this week.

Seung Hyun sat in the dark booth waiting for Se7en to show up. Knowing punctuality wasn’t his friend’s strongest point, he accepted the fact it would be a while before the guy’d actually show. Pulling open his phone, he caught up on a few emails, returned a call, and then, when Se7en still hadn’t shown up, scrolled through his Weibo feed. Usually he didn’t pay much attention to social media, but it was better than sitting there, by himself, staring blankly at the wall.

Not to his surprise, the hottest search term on the web was Xia Junsu. As much as Seung Hyun wanted to forget him, after the release of Flower, Junsu was everywhere. Concerts, interviews, magazines, joking with his friends on social media. Everywhere Seung Hyun looked — or tried not to look — there he was, messing with with his brain. 

Just as his self-preservation kicked back in, urging him to shut off the damn phone,  blocking the picture of Junsu’s broadly smiling face, the face which had been haunting him for the last month… or to be honest with himself, the face which had been on his mind since the first time they bumped into each other that night behind the stage at the charity concert, a headline caught his eye: 

**Xia Junsu Announces Plans To Wed**

Seung Hyun felt his heart stop — it was beating one moment and then... nothing. Married, to who? A man? Had Junsu so easily replaced him, he wondered? Had he mattered to him at all? He tried to make himself calm down. To talk sense into himself, reminding his spinning brain that this was a good thing, that this was exactly what he had wanted — to let Junsu go so he could have the life he wanted and deserved without having to deal someone as messed up as Choi Seung Hyun. 

He just hadn’t expected it to be this fast. 

Despite telling himself to stop,  telling himself that it would hurt too much, letting himself run away again, he clicked on the link. The truth of the matter was, if he wasn’t brave enough to be with Junsu, then this was exactly what he needed to see in order to move on with his own life.

.

Each word hurt more than the last, more than Seung Hyun could have expected. What had happened? Had Junsu been lying when he’d said he was gay? Or… had he been found out? And his people were doing damage control by marrying him off quickly? Isn’t that something gay people did?  

At the bottom of of the note there was a link for a mobile wedding invitation. Dare he click it? Did he even want to know the details? Or was this something he just run away from just like Junsu himself? 

He felt someone slide into the booth across from him and he looked up to see Se7en grinning back at him. “Sorry about that, you would not believe all the things I have to do now that I’m a free agent.” He glanced down to Seung Hyun’s phone. “Wasn’t that hilarious?” he asked. 

“What?” Seung Hyun asked. 

“That whole Junsu thing,” Se7en laughed. “He had a whole lot of fangirls crying today with that fake announcement.” 

Seung Hyun grabbed Se7en’s arm. “What do you mean, fake announcement? You mean he’s not getting married?” 

Se7en shot him a confused look and shook off Seung Hyun's hand. “Yeah, it’s some sort of joke. Click on the link.” 

Looking down at the phone again, Seung Hyun quickly jabbed at the link on the screen. It switched to a page which proclaimed “April Fool’s Day!” He breathed a sigh of relief. Junsu wasn’t getting married. He hadn’t been involved with anyone else when they were… involved. 

That little shit! Of all the awful tricks. When he got his hands on Junsu again he’d… what? What would he do? When would he see Junsu again? He wouldn’t. He’d made sure he’d killed whatever they’d had going on, and before that night in the theater, there’d never been a reason for them to have ever crossed paths. He assumed there was no real reason for them to ever see each other again face-to-face. 

“Hey. What’s wrong?” Se7en asked. “You look sick. Do you want to go?” 

Seung Hyun shook his head. “No, I’m fine. Let’s get some drinks. And after this maybe let’s go get a massage.” he said, trying to lighten the mood and only got a balled up napkin chucked at his head as a thank you. 

When the waitress came back, Seung Hyun ordered two bottles of their most expensive wines and gave the girl a quick T.O.P wink. It was time to stop thinking of Junsu and resume his plan to move on. 

*********

He was right. Junsu had a whole five hours of uninterrupted sleep before there was a damn knock on his door. He groaned, turning and disturbing Leo who lay curled in a ball on his chest. Bleary-eyed, he rolled out of bed and stumbled through his darkened house cuddling Leo as he went. He was surprised to see his bodyguard standing in the doorway, having let himself in. “Han? What are you doing in here?” he asked 

“Are you okay? You didn’t answer your phone,” his stoic, perpetual shadow answered. 

“Yes, I’m fine. I turned off the phone so I could get some sleep. Didn’t they tell me my schedule is empty until tomorrow?” If he remembered correctly, he’d insisted on having some time to himself. Letting everyone know, even his mother, that he wasn’t going to be available unless there was some sort of emergency. 

He grabbed Han’s hand. “Is everything okay? My mom?” 

“Everything is fine, Junsu-shi. The boss needs speak to you about something, and when you wouldn't answer the phone, they sent me to get you.” He looked down at his watch. “I promised to have you there in a half hour.” 

A half hour? From here? In Seoul’s traffic? Gah! He thrust the surprised cat into Han’s arms and sped off to the bathroom, all while trying to figure out just what it could be. Was it the April Fool's joke? They couldn't have been that mad at him for that — could they? It was just a joke! All the idols did stupid things like that. 

Deciding to chance the extra time, he tugged off his pajamas and jumped into the shower, the hot water beating heavy on his back, loosening some of the aches left after a non-stop night flight. Add that to the shows, the interviews and the practices to get ready for the upcoming soccer season and he was days past tired. Hanging out with the crew last night hadn’t been smart of him, he'd known he shouldn't have given in, he should have gone back to the hotel to sleep before the flight, but he'd just wanted to be out, with people, to just forget about everything for a while. 

Duncan had stuck to his side all night, always there to offer a drink and send him a bright smile. What had gotten into that guy? Junsu wondered. It seemed as though whenever he turned around, there was Duncan. 

There was knock on the bathroom door. “Junsu-shi, we really need to go.” 

With a sigh, Junsu shouted that he would be right out and ducked his head under the water. Maybe he could take a nap later. Maybe it was time for him to have a solo visit to the planetarium again — get away from everything for a while. A snooze under the stars, even fake stars, sounded wonderful. 

But thoughts of the planetarium inevitably brought back thoughts of Seung Hyun and that night they’d sat there under the stars, holding hands. The first time Seung Hyun had touched him back. The night they had promised to try dating. 

Junsu firmly turned off the hot water and let the burst of frigid water chase Seung Hyun from his mind. 

*********

An hour later, Junsu strolled into his agency’s big office doors. “Junsu! Where have you been?” the CEO of C-JeS Entertainment, Baek Chang Ju, asked. 

“Sleeping,” Junsu tried not to grumble. He was surprised he was meeting with Baek Chang Ju, as usually he met with one of his underlings. This must be pretty big news, he thought. 

“I know your schedule has been hectic, Junsu, and I know you were looking forward to a few days off, but I need you to get working on a project.” 

Junsu cocked his head, trying to remember back to all of the things they had talked about coming up on the schedule. “Is it  _ Death Note _ ? I thought that was all settled and rehearsals start in a few weeks. Do they need me to go in sooner?” While he was so excited to be playing L in  _ Death Note, _ as he felt at home on the musical stage, he realized that being the main star in the cast was going to be a big responsibility for him. 

“No, I have some pretty big news, something we’ve been negotiating for a while.” He paused and fiddled with his cuffs as he always loved to draw out the good news, and Junsu began to get excited. 

“What is it? Tell me! Tell me!” 

“You’re going to be on TV.” 

“You mean like an interview?” While nice, that wasn't the biggest news ever. He did TV interviews all the time. He'd had two of them packed into his schedule just yesterday. 

“Nope, think bigger.” 

Junsu froze, realizing what this meant. “A show. I’m going to be on a show? SM finally let go?” It had been so hard, so scary when he, Yoochun and Jaejoong had left SM. And scarier once they realized just how far SM was willing to go to see that they were punished for the wrongs SM considered JYJ committed against them. There was a while that they didn't think they were going to make it alone — it was unheard of that a band or individual singers could make it without any promotion. But here they were all these years later, still growing and thriving, the lawsuit in the past, and yet SM's tentacles grasped out for them. 

“EBS’s Space Sympathy wants to do a whole night of you. Singing, speaking to the audience. Basically what you do in your smaller shows — the whole episode, just you.” 

Junsu let out an exuberant yell before jumping up and throwing his arms around his boss, giving him a big hug letting him go in order to dance around the office. Sure EBS was a small network, but that didn’t matter to him, no, this was his chance. This was JYJ’s chance! 

“Do Yoochun and Jaejoong know?” he asked coming to a halt in the middle of the room. 

“No, you’re the first one to know, we didn’t want to say a thing, until we had all the details nailed down. No sense in disappointing you if it didn’t work out.”

“And SM can’t mess with this? No signing me up and then having ‘technical difficulties’? No last minute editing me out of the show?” 

“All that’s left is for you to sign the contract. Their representative will be here in about a half hour.” 

Junsu closed his eyes against the relief that he felt. This was it, he knew. This was the start of something big. He had to do it and he had to do it well, not just for him, his agency and his brothers, but to show SM that they could not keep him —keep them—down. Not now. Not ever.  

He took off his coat, all of his past weariness gone. “Let’s get to work.” 

*********

Junsu hadn’t been this nervous for a performance in a long time. He realized just how much rested on this one night. This could either be part of his triumphant return to television, or his last goodbye. Either way, he was determined to put on the best show he could. He’d left the last few days of his schedule as open as he could and put everything he had in preparing the showcase. He was well-rested and had a nice caffeine buzz rushing through his system. 

He was ready. 

Flipping open his phone, he watched the little congratulations video Yoochun had sent him again. He was sad his brothers couldn’t be here tonight, but he was here, doing it for all of them. They were proud of him, he knew. 

“Junsu-yah!” 

Junsu stopped fiddling with the collar of his shirt and jumped up at the sound of his mother's voice. “My Junsu-yah, your father and I are so proud of you! All of our prayers have been answered.” He was enveloped in the soft warm familiar hug, and he closed his eyes, savoring the moment. His mother was strong, very strong, and he wanted to tap into that strength just a little bit tonight.

“Thank you, Omma. But keep praying, it could just be for this one night.” 

She shook her head before fiddling with his artfully arranged bangs. “No. It’s your time, that bad company held you down long enough. Your father and I knew if we prayed hard enough this would all work out.” She frowned and gave his green bangs one final push. “I don’t know about all these crazy colors, Junsu-yah. Why can’t your hair just be one color? You look beautiful with black hair. It will be hard enough to find a sweet girl from a good family to marry you, why do you make it harder for yourself?” 

He tried not to let the words bother him too much as he had no space in his head for bother tonight. Bother. Bother. Bother. Nope. He was thinking happy thoughts. Kittens. Coconut trees. Kittens in coconut trees. He smiled. Wouldn’t it be great if that’s where kittens came from? Just a coconut tree filled with cute, little kittens. Meow. Meow. Meow. 

His mother ticked her tongue, reminding him she was in the room. “Now that this is all worked out, I’m going to get to work finding you and your brother wives.” 

“Omma, Junho and I haven't even done our military service yet. I think we have a while before we have to worry about getting married.” 

He was going to have to tell her, he knew. Eventually. The familiar knot started to bite at his stomach, and he tried to push it all back again with another happy thought. SM finally realizing they could no longer hold him back? 

A PA knocked on the door and ducked her head in, reminding him he had a few more meet-and-greets before they started bringing in the audience. He was thankful for the distraction it gave his mother. She took a selfie of the two of them together, kissed him again on the cheek, and left to go find her seat. 

*********

While he loved his mother very much, he breathed a sigh of relief once the room was again empty. As quickly as it was polite to do, Junsu got through the meet-and-greets, taking photos with what seemed like all the higher-ups of the network. He reminded himself to have his assistant send out a big thank you basket to them for this evening. They were a small network, but they were taking a big chance on him tonight. 

His phone rang, and he picked it up, expecting a last minute call from Yoochun who, unfortunately, could not be out in the crowd tonight. He smiled at the screen. “Tablo-hyung!” 

“Junsu, I was just calling to say good luck tonight. I’m sorry I couldn't be there.” 

Junsu shook his head. “Don’t be silly! Touring comes first. Besides if you’re always here to rap for me, I’m never going to be known as Rapper Lion JS. So you stay away," he said, tossing out the familiar joke about his original plan to debut as a rapper. 

Tablo laughed. “I’ll keep that in mind. More importantly, the guys and I'll make sure to watch the show when it’s on TV. Excited?” 

The butterflies in his stomach were back, rumbling and tumbling, fluttering his system. “You have no idea how much.” 

“Actually, if there's anyone who understands, it’s me. I know exactly where you are right now. Excited to be able to perform when you had almost given up the possibility and nervous you’re going to mess that shot up.” 

The butterflies turned into stinging bees. “Yes Tablo. Let’s talk about all the things that could go wrong tonight. You're really good at this good luck thing.” 

Tablo laughed. “You’re right. Yeesh. Sorry about that. But I’ve been there man, and I can tell you, you’re going to do great.” 

Tablo was right, after that whole stupid anti-fan scandal Tablo and Epik High had to deal with, he really was one of the few people who’d stood right where he was — and come out the other side. If Tablo could do it, so could Xia Junsu. 

“Any tips?” Junsu asked. 

“Don’t think of it. Just go out there and do what you love to do, make music. The rest of it is nothing.” 

“Thanks Tablo-hyung. When we’re both in Korea again, let’s get dinner. Maybe you can bring Haru.” 

Tablo started to laugh hard. “What’s so funny?” Junsu asked. 

“You mean like the last time we arranged for a dinner? Do you remember what happened?” 

Junsu did remember. He’d arranged a meeting and Seung Hyun had kissed him in the snow. He closed his eyes and just for a second as he allowed himself to remember that exact moment in time. The show falling, Seung Hyun’s eyes warm on him, his lips, his lips…. 

“Speaking of that, Junsu, I have to apologize, man. I had it all wrong.” 

Forcing himself to letting go of the memory, cursing himself for letting it come into his brain yet again, Junsu opened his eyes and studied himself in the mirror. “What?” 

“I know you said that you wanted to introduce T.O.P to someone that night, but the way he acted, not kidding, I thought you guys had something going on. He acted just like me when someone gets too close to Hye Jung.” 

Junsu froze. “You thought we were… together?” 

“Yeah, how funny is that?” Tablo continued to snicker. “Sorry, buddy. T.O.P was just so funny trying to protect you from that rogue dancer. Don’t worry, he set me straight.” 

“What are you talking about?” In all of their time apart, this was the first person he’d talked to who’d had direct contact with Seung Hyun. Junsu wanted to ask all sorts of questions, was he okay? Was he healthy? Was he eating? Did he ask about him? Was Tablo able to magically sense if Seung Hyun had forgiven him? Could they get back together? Did he care at all? 

“Yeah, a couple of weeks ago. I think you were in...Japan? Anyway, he and Seungri have been hitting the clubs lately. Apparently, T.O.P started seeing some girl.” 

It felt as though all of the oxygen had left the room. Where had it gone? It was just here a moment ago. Seung Hyun was dating? A woman? They just broke up! The tears he’d fought for so long puddled in his eyes and he tried his best to keep them back, but just thinking of Seung Hyun together with some woman… Probably a beautiful woman. A woman with full lady-parts. Laughing. Talking. Kissing… Junsu sank back down to the chair, sure his knees wouldn’t hold him for another moment. 

“He’s seeing a girl?” Junsu whispered. 

“Yeah, and from what Seungri said, she’s quite a looker, so you should probably not try to set him up on any more dates. Think about keeping those women for yourself, man! Do you want me to see if Hye Jung has any friends for me to set you up with?” 

A beautiful woman? He’d been replaced — so quickly — with a woman? Had Junsu meant anything to Seung Hyun at all? A bitter taste filled his mouth, and he swallowed hard. 

There was a quick knock on the door, and Junsu spun the chair around and frantically shoved his oversized sunglasses down low on his face so whoever it was couldn’t see the tears which would not stop flowing down his cheeks. 

“Junsu? Five minutes until we need you on set?” the PA called out to him without coming in. 

He cleared his throat first once, and then another time. “I’ll be ready.” 

“Junsu! Good luck, man!” 

“Thanks Tablo-hyung,” Junsu said, desperate to keep the anguish out of his voice. 

Hanging up the phone, he took of his sunglasses and stared at himself in the mirror. His skin was ashy and wet with tears and his eyes were glassy. Thank god for high end eyeliner, as that had stuck like glue. He stared himself hard in the eyes. Trying to push what he heard out of his head — out of his heart. He needed to get through this performance. So much was depending on this moment. He needed to take what he was feeling and pack it into a teeny, tiny box and hide it away. 

Until after the show, when he planned to go home, pull the covers over his head, and wait for everything to go away.

Dabbing his tears furiously away, he called for his makeup artist. When she saw the destruction of her hard work, she frowned at him. “Kim Junsu-shi, what did you do? We have minutes before you have to go out there!” She rushed in and grabbed her brushes and went to work, repairing his face. 

He sniffed. Just a little. “My mom,” he explained. “She got teary, I got teary. Then before I knew it, I was melting. Sorry.” Everyone knew his circumstances, the entire country was at stake here, it was a story which everyone would buy. “Can you fix me?” 

“Kim Junsu-shi, you may be the god of music, but I am the god of makeup. You will be perfect.” 

True to her word, five minutes later, it looked as though nothing had happened. His skin glowed pearly and his eyes were bright. You would never know that he was breaking more, every second, on the inside. 

With one last attempt at a calming breath, he stood and strode out of the room, through the maze of the backstage, with people shouting at him, all trying to get his last minute attention. While he waited for the stage manager to give him the high sign, he lectured himself.  _ Push it all inside, you can do this Xia Junsu. You NEED to do this. _ For his parents. For JYJ. For his company. For all the other idol group members out there who were stuck in one of those slave contracts. But most of all, for himself. 

At the stage manager's signal, Junsu plastered a bright smile to his face, stepped through the curtains onto the stage, and began the performance. 

He loved this sort of venue. Just him in a room with his fans. He got to sing for them and talk to them, tell them his stories. Just off to his left, he could see his mother smiling up at him and he used her as a focus point. Focus on her and making her happy. 

He’d made it all the way through, his energy high, until he reached the end of the program, almost home free when, during his encore, he finally broke at the very last song: his cover of  _ Uphill _ . 

_ “Smile will be disappeared from now. _

_ Look at this steep uphill – yes, remember the smile before we climb. _

_ We may not meet for a long time _

_ During our ordinary path Sweet scent of love, sweat and heavy breath might be the only conversation we have _

_ It’s only the first step from now _

_ Don’t look at the distant end _

_ Just look at me like it was always peaceful then I can endure _

_ I love you walking with me this path together _

_ the one who chose me even if it’s arduous” _

He tried to hold it back, hold his waves of emotion in, but it was all too much, and the tears began to fall. He tried to continue, but with his heart in tatters on the dressing room floor, what was left of it after that night in Seung Hyun's apartment, the hopeful message of the song — the lie of it all — was too much. And he stood up and walked off the stage. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ISaPuen9J7c

*********

Seung Hyun sank deep into the couch of the private room he’d talked Seungri into. He was tired of the bar scene, but he wasn’t sure anymore what to do with himself once all of his work was done for the day. It seemed more important to fill each day to the brim, not giving himself a moment to himself to think about… things. 

He frowned. Where was Seungri? He'd sworn he’d be right back, but that was at least a half hour ago. Ugh. He should put a tracker on the brat. Seung Hyun was sure he’d probably bumped into something in a skirt and had completely forgotten his bandmate was here. Sighing, he looked at his watch. Midnight. He’d give Seungri five minutes and then he’d go home. He had an early appointment tomorrow to get an exhibit preview. He should get some sleep. 

The thick door, heavy with its soundproofing, banged open as if it weighed nothing and slammed into the wall with a heavy thud. Standing in its frame was a pissed off Park Yoochun. Surprise and irritation warred in Seung Hyun. Though he and Junsu weren’t together any longer, apparently it didn’t make him like the guy any more. 

“Stand up,” Yoochun said in a low, dark voice as he stepped into the room and slammed the door closed behind him. 

“What?” Seung Hyun asked. 

“I said. Stand. Up.” Yoochun stormed over and grabbed the lapel of Seung Hyun’s jacket, dragging him to his feet, before he reached his arm back and slugged Seung Hyun, right in the face, causing his had to snap back. 

“What the fuck?” Seung Hyun reacted and pried Yoochun’s hands off him and shoved him back hard. When his knees hit the back of the sofa, Yoochun fell flat on the cushions. “What the hell was that for?” 

Yoochun scrambled up and glowered at Seung Hyun, his fists clenched tightly at his sides. “That was for Junsu, you asshole. I’m just here to warn you, if you dare hurt Junsu again, if you even think of trying to contact him, I will kick your fucking ass.”

“Wait. What’s wrong with Junsu?” Seung Hyun asked. Did something happen?

Yoochun’s eyes glinted dark. “What did you do to him? You broke his heart. You broke him. And I just wanted to let you know — I’m not going to give you a chance to do it again.” 

“I haven’t seen Junsu in almost two months.”

“If he was over you, why did he break down at a live filming?” 

“The EBS program? What happened?” As much as he'd tried to avoid Junsu spoilers, the whole town was rumbling about the EBS filming. Seung Hyun stepped forward and grabbed Yoochun’s arm. Yoochun tried to shake him, off, but Seung Hyun refused to let go. “Is Junsu okay?” 

Yoochun sneered. “Oh yeah, sure, you care now. But two months ago when you dumped him, and Junsu was so upset he was even afraid to come to me and Jaejoong — where where you then?” 

“What happened to Junsu?” Seung Hyun gave Yoochun’s arm a hard shake, his stomach fluttering in fear. “Why was he afraid? Is he okay?” 

“No, he’s not okay, asshole. He still can’t get over you. I told you to stay away from him, didn’t I? But no, you couldn’t listen. Instead, you kept leading him on, letting him think he actually had a chance with you. You know the dumbest thing? He still blames himself.” 

“Blames himself for what?” 

Swinging back, Yoochun’s punch hit Seung Hyun right in the stomach, and he bent over from the force of it, finally letting go of Yoochun’s arm. “Blames himself for your breakup. He thinks he disgusts you. Disgusts you. Can you believe that? Junsu is the nicest, sweetest, best person I know. And you broke him."

The words hit Seung Hyun harder than any punch Yoochun could have landed. Junsu thought he was disgusted by him? He ran his hair frustrated through his hair. How could he have thought that? And how could Seung Hyun live with himself knowing he’d caused Junsu that sort of pain?

“Where’s Junsu?” Seung Hyun asked. 

“I’m not telling you shit. I didn’t come here to play cupid. I came here to tell you that if you think of hurting Junsu again, I will hurt you. I’m not fucking around. Leave Junsu alone.” 

“Where. Is. Junsu?” Seung Hyun asked again, his voice low and angry. He was filled with an urgent need to see Junsu. He had to, he didn’t know what. Explain. Try and fix this mess he made with Junsu’s life — because Yoochun was right about one thing, Junsu was kind and sweet and beautiful, and he did not deserve Seung Hyun. “I need to…”

“I don’t care about what you need. I care about Junsu. I care about what Junsu needs. And Junsu needs you to stay far away from him.” With that, Yoochun turned and stalked out the door, slamming it behind him. 

Seung Hyun grabbed his cell phone from where it fell on the floor. Frantically, he scrolled through his contacts looking for Junsu’s number, then remembered that during a bad night he'd deleted it so he wouldn’t be tempted to call him. “Asshole,” he swore. Yoochun wasn’t too far off about him. 

He dialed Tablo’s number, remembering that’s where he’d gotten the phone number in the first place. Shrugging into his coat, he waited impatiently for someone to pick up the phone. When the automated voice came on to say no one was available, he hung up and sent off a text message. Now all there was left to do was wait. 

“Fuck that,” he said and dialed Ji Yong and when the phone was answered on the second ring he said simply, “I need your help.” 

  
  
  
  
  



	15. Ready Or Not

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seung Hyun, now with the realization how much he's messed with Junsu's head, attempts to find him to...well, he'll figure that out when he gets there. But is it too late?

Seung Hyun studied the mass of fans lined up in front of the stadium eagerly waiting their turn to enter the venue. Many of the women (as they were mostly women) wore t-shirts with Junsu’s name or carried fans with his smiling face on them.  

A face Seung Hyun had been searching for for almost five days now.

“Where would you like me to go, T.O.P-shi?” asked his driver.

He checked his phone as if he hadn’t memorized every detail of his and Ji Yong’s plan. His stomach churned in familiar knots, and his heart raced in anticipation. It was unbelieveable that he’d stooped to this, that with all of T.O.P and G-Dragon’s influences, they hadn’t been able to find Junsu’s whereabouts. All week it was wall after wall. How was it sasaeng fans were able to do this so easily? Hunting down someone who apparently did not want to be found, with the money to make it happen, was an unbelievably hard task.

The one thing he had been able to find out was what had happened to set Yoochun off and that was just because the news was filled with Junsu breaking down at the taping of his  _ Space Odyssey _ filming, leaving the stage before come back and restarting the song, and then getting through it flawlessly. Luckily, the netizens were being kind, chalking it up to the emotions of Junsu finally being allowed on television again.

But, thanks to the power of G-Dragon — he’d seen the footage — saw the look on Junsu’s face as he tried to get through the last song. His look of devastation had haunted Seung Hyun for the last five days — it was there, whenever he closed his eyes. Junsu. In tears. Walking off the stairs. He knew that look well, as it was the exact same one Junsu’d had when Seung Hyun had broken up with him.

He was responsible for all of his. With his own cowardice and reckless behavior, starting something he shouldn’t have then just walking away, he’d hurt Junsu. He hadn’t meant to, but did it matter?

No.

Eventually, Tablo had returned his call, giving him Junsu’s number again, but just when Seung Hyun thought he was close, it was another dead end. Junsu had changed his number. Because of him, he wondered?

When he was at his lowest, he’d found himself at the planetarium. He sat in the darkened theater, ducked low in the padded chair to avoid the stares of the troupe of school children who were also there, in the same spot he’d sat when he’d been there with Junsu — what seemed like aeons ago. Seung Hyun sat for a long time, not looking at the star display above him, not hearing the droning chatter over the loudspeakers, but instead at the seat where Junsu had once sat, sleeping, with his head leaned on Seung Hyun’s shoulder.

How did it get all messed up, he wondered. But he knew. All that time, he’d only thought of himself, he never once thought of what his quick retreat would look like in Junsu’s eyes. The thought of Yoochun being right, the thought that Junsu considered for one second their… breakup was his fault? Gnawed at Seung Hyun’s insides.

Despite all this though, he still knew in the end he’d done the right thing. The truth was, he’d been right for him to walk way, to allow Junsu the chance to be with someone who wasn’t so messed up.

So, why was he here? Why had he let Ji Yong use his connections to get him a private box to Junsu’s concert? Why didn’t he just go backstage? No one would question him if he’d gone backstage before the concert, it was customary for special guests and well-wishers to go speak to an artist beforehand. Junsu could very well bolt right after the concert — as he himself usually did. However, despite the chance he was taking with his plan to go backstage after the show, Seung Hyun was not willing to take a chance he’d fluster or upset Junsu in any way before his concert. Hell, he wasn’t even sure what he’d say or if Junsu would even speak to him.

He just knew he had to try.

As the driver took him to the special entrance, Seung Hyun pulled his hat low in case there were any fans around and left the car to meet up with the PA who was to guide him to his seat.

Counting himself very lucky for once, he managed to make it up to the box without bumping into anyone he knew. The door shut tightly behind him, Seung Hyun looked out at the darkened stage and to the crowds making their way to their seats. This concert had sold out in minutes, almost faster than the last BigBang concert, and Seung Hyun shuddered to think of the favors he owed to get this private spot.

Before long, the house lights dimmed and the rotation of Junsu’s songs playing over the loudspeakers came to an end. Seung Hyun stopped his pacing and stared hard out at the stage, trying to catch a glimpse behind the curtain. He was reminded of the first time he’d met Junsu, that terrible night at the theater. How much better would they all have been if they hadn’t met?

The music swelled, the stage lights brightened, and there he was — Junsu.

To see him there was a punch to the gut, harder than any punch Yoochun could give him. He’d thought Junsu beautiful before? It was nothing like seeing him perform in person. If Junsu was still upset about anything at all, it didn’t show — he almost sparkled on stage. All parts of this quixotic, complex man were laid out for all to see. The sexy seductor, the aegyo, the pure kindness. He knew, whether Junsu forgave him or not, he was glad he’d come as this was a night he would never forget.

A familiar tune started, and Syung Hyun was reminded of the day Tablo had taken him to visit Junsu’s dance practice. Junsu emerged from the wings in the almost-backless vest which highlighted the roundness of his ass. The way he danced, the way he moved, turned Seung Hyun’s thoughts of admiration to those of desire. He tried to tell himself not to look, to tell his body to stop reacting — he wasn’t here for that, he would never be that way with Junsu again — but his body refused to listen.

He found himself thankful for the box for a whole different reason.  

On one of Junsu’s complex dance turns, he noticed the same backup dancer from that day was edging closer, the one who obviously had a thing for Junsu, and Seung Hyun gritted his teeth in irritation at the sight of him. This time though, the man executed the move flawlessly, and the number went off without a hitch.

Realizing Junsu was reaching the end of the concert, Seung Hyun regretfully stood up. As much as he wanted to stay to the end, he figured his best bet for cornering Junsu would be if he were backstage, waiting for him at the end of the concert. Though his T.O.P power had failed him so far this week, he figured he’d played this place enough with BigBang to be able to get him some sort of special treatment.

Ducking out of the room, he made his way back down through the inner corridors of the stadium, trying to avoid anywhere where he might be recognized by the general public. At the doorway to the backstage off limits area, Seung Hyun flashed his backstage pass and greeted the security guard he recognized.

“What are you doing here, man?” The large imposing figure wore a black security t-shirt which stretched tight across his chest. “You performing?”

Seung Hyun gave him a little dance. “I heard they needed a backup dancer and thought I’d offer up some Choom T.O.P.”

The man laughed. “A little late for that, the show’s about to end.”

“I know, I was watching from one of the boxes. I’m meeting up with Junsu after the concert.”

Grabbing a clipboard from the podium next to him, he flipped through the pages. “You’re not on the list.”

Seung Hyun put on a scowl. “Are you kidding me? Yang Hyun Suk himself arranged this. He's going to be pretty pissed when he finds out.” he said, sending out a quick thought of apology for using his boss’s name before pushing further, making a show of looking at his watch. “I’m on a pretty tight schedule, maybe you should call someone.”

The man considered, looking from Seung Hyun to the list and back again. “Nah, go on ahead. No sense in getting anyone in trouble.”

Seung Hyun let out a sigh of relief but managed to keep his face calm. “Thanks man, I’ll see you the next concert, okay?”

Since he’d performed the venue so many times, he knew exactly where to go to find Junsu’s dressing room. Unfortunately, there he hit yet another roadblock in the form of Junsu’s own personal bodyguard. Realizing the trick he used on the security guard wouldn’t work on this man, he just gave him a brief nod and settled in to wait with him outside the door.

The only thing making him feel better about this was the knowledge that if the bodyguard was here, it meant Junsu would soon be here too. The place was buzzing with activity, costumers, PAs, and techies. From his position, he could hear the pulsing music of Junsu’s last number and the cheers of the fans.

Knowing it would just be a matter of minutes before they met up again, the knots in Seung Hyun’s stomach tightened. He tried his best to keep up a steady stream of friendly chatter to the guard, so maybe he’d think twice about hauling him out on his ass if Junsu decided he wouldn’t see him.

The music ended to thunderous applause, and Seung Hyun began to fidget and he gave himself a quick lecture. He was just here to apologize. To apologize. To make sure Junsu was okay and to get out of there. Nothing else. Apologize then get lost.

A large group of people left the green room, and laughing and chattering, headed in his direction. From the looks of them, it was the backup dancers and musicians, sweaty and high off of the adrenaline rush of a concert.

He knew the moment they recognized him. The familiar double take, the whispers. Soon he was surrounded by backup dancers eager to talk to him.

“T.O.P!” A pretty girl with long black hair and heavy stage makeup pushed her way through, scattering the rest of the crew attached herself to his arm. “I’m a huge fan.”

“Thanks,” he said, trying to politely pull his arm away, while scanning the crowd for Junsu.

The girl refused to let go, clutching him harder. “I can’t wait for BigBang’s new album to come out!”

He looked down at his arm. Due to her octopus-like clutch, he couldn’t escape, and her, from what he could see from this angle, ample breasts were shoved up against him. He regretted his decision not to bring his own security with him.

“Did you come to the show?” Her eyes widened. “Are you coming to the after-party?”

Unsure what to do, he looked over at Junsu’s security man, thinking maybe he could help him out, getting her off him. But the man’s attention was elsewhere, and as Seung Hyun watched, the man snapped straight and walked off in the direction of the stage. Seung Hyun turned, the hairs beginning to stand up on the back of his neck.

There he was.

Junsu. As they locked eyes, everything getting quiet around them. Junsu was still in his barely-there costume, with its tight pants, his arms and shoulders bare from the vest. He shone in a layer of sweat, and his eyes were heavily lined in eyeliner. He was beautiful. Junsu stiffened, his eyes narrowing. As his bodyguard approached, Junsu spoke — Seung Hyun was too far away to hear, but from the set of his shoulders, Junsu wasn’t happy to see him. The bodyguard shot him a look and shrugged.

Seung Hyun could imagine how the conversation was going, and the sweat began to trickle down the back of his neck.

The girl with the grabby arms finally noticed that, despite her boobs, she did not have his attention and looked over to see Junsu. “Junsu-shi!” Pulling at his arm, she tugged him over to where Junsu, his bodyguard, and now, Seung Hyun noticed with an inward curl of his lip, the backup dancer Duncan stood. “Junsu! Look who came to see the show!”

He watched as Junsu put a brittle smile on his face before giving a slight stiff bow. “T.O.P-shi, thank you for coming.” Junsu nodded at his bodyguard, and they made a move to walk past him. In a panic Seung Hyun’s hand darted out and grabbed Junsu’s wrist, stopping him where he stood.

But what could he say? And could he say it with all of these people watching? “You were great.” He could feel Junsu’s pulse race beneath his fingers.  _ Look at me, _ he thought,  _ Junsu, please look at me. _ "Really."

“Junsu-shi! Tell T.O.P he needs to come to our after-party,” the girl pouted, putting on the aegyo. “Please?”

“I’m sure T.O.P is very busy,” Junsu said, refusing to look back.

Duncan shot him what Seung Hyun could only consider a smug smile and stood a little straighter — straighter and what seemed like a lot closer to Junsu. Seung Hyun resented him but managed to resist the urge to smack the smug smile off his face.

“No. I’d love to come.”

It was only then that Junsu looked back at him. A stricken look which slapped at him hard. It lasted just a moment before his features turned cold again, and he gave a brisk nod. “Fine.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I apologize for the delay, I'm away on vacation! However, good news, after a stop at Kcon, I watched the BigBang Made movie! Took lots of notes, recharged those creative batteries. That being said, because of the vacation, I'm taking the week off! Don't worry, I'll be back next week with the next installment. (Which is already written, just needs some beta reading. Thank you, Cherry Cordial! Without you my modifiers would be dangling all over the place...)


	16. The Wrong Place To Be Thinking of You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Seung Hyn scores the invite to Junsu's after party, he's determined to use the opportuinity to get closer to Junsu however, Duncan...and Junsu may have something to say about that.

The club they’d booked for the night was loud with talk, laughter, and pounding music. It was packed with tech, backup, and entertainment people. Seung Hyun had finally managed to lose the backup dancer as he slowly made his way through the party, searching for any sign for Junsu.

The lights hitting the mirrored walls bounced into his eyes, ticking at his already substantial headache. The club was several stories all encircling a large dance area in the center . He hovered near the railing, trying scan the other floors.

“T.O.P!” A voice called out to him over the din.

Seung Hyun looked over, surprised to see Song Ji Hyo standing there smiling at him, holding a bright red cocktail. He was also surprised to see how nicely she cleaned up from her usual  _ Running Man _ athletic wear.

“Noona! What are you doing here?” he asked.

“I’m friends with Junsu,” she shouted back at him. “Tonight I’m subbing in for Jaejoong and Yoochun.”

So Yoochun wasn’t here — at least he didn't have to worry about that. “I didn’t know.”

“We met when I was in a JYJ video,” she rolled her eyes, “Like forever ago. We stayed close.” Thankfully, the music slipped from it’s heavy, fast beat to a slower song, allowing him to speak without shouting.

“Do you,” he cleared his throat. “Do you know where Junsu is right now?”

“I didn’t know you guys were friends.”

“We’re not!” Seung Hyun protested. “Well. I mean. We are. Were.” He scratched the back of his neck in frustration. “It’s complicated. Look, I need to talk to him. Do you know where he is?”

Ji Hyo studied him for a moment as she took a sip of her drink and he realized he probably was coming off like a crazy person. She’d said she was a friend, did she know Junsu was gay? Did she know they…? He tried to make his expression look less like crazy stalker and more like a normal guy who she wouldn’t mind passing along information about her friend to.

Be cool, T.O.P, be cool.

“He was down stairs, dancing.” Seung Hyun swiveled to look down at the dance floor, trying to scan the crowd. At least Junsu was currently sporting bright green hair and Seung Hyun figured it would give him some advantage. However, when he again scanned the floor and didn’t see anyone down there who looked like him, Seung Hyun began to feel desperate, sure he was running out of time. There were so many exits Junsu could duck out of, and if he lost him now, who knew when Seung Hyun would be able to catch him again.

“I said he was down there. With Duncan. One of his backup dancers? It looked like they were having a really great time,” Ji Hyo said to him with a grin. “He’s not there anymore.”

Seung Hyun resisted the urge to growl in frustration at the fun she was apparently having with him. “Where are they?”

“Junsu just went to the bathroom.” She nodded her head over towards a darkened hallway. “I think he needed quiet for a minute. Or he could be ducking out the back. You never know with our boy.” Taking a delicate sip of her drink, Ji Hyo smiled at him.

Nodding his thanks to her, Seung Hyun started to move away towards the dimmed exit sign, but he stopped at the tug at his sleeve and turned back to Ji Hyo.

“If you’re the reason Junsu’s been sad lately, T.O.P, fix it. I don’t like seeing my baby sad. Besides,” she said with a mischievous smile. “You guys would be super cute together.”

Seung Hyun looked around to see if anyone heard what she said. But the club was so noisy, even he had trouble hearing what she said. “So you know Junsu’s…”

“Gay?” She took another sip of her drink and looked at him with her usual, impish look. “He may think he’s kept it a big secret from me, but they don’t call me Ace Ji Hyo for nothing. He’s had a thing for you for years. Also. He’s completely wonderful, so don’t mess it up. Or I’ll have Jong Kook-oppa get you the next time you come on  _ Running Man _ .”

“I already messed up.” The words escaped before they had even formed in his brain.

She patted him on his arm. “I know. So prepare to get your butt kicked. But don’t worry, Junsu is more forgiving than I am.”

Nodding his thanks, he made his way through the crowd to, hopefully, Junsu.

*********

Junsu stared at himself in the mirror of the dimly lit bathroom, letting the cool water run over his hands, hoping it would help calm him down. What was he doing here? And now? What could he even want?

Why. Why. Why.

The last few days he’d worked so hard to get himself back to… normal? No. Normal wasn’t the right word. Centered. He’d worked hard to finally shove Seung… T.O.P out of his brain, out of his heart. He wished the ordeal would be as easy for him as apparently it had been for T.O.P to cut him out of his life. As if he was never there.

T.O.P dating? A woman? It was the ultimate proof, everything he needed but couldn’t ask. All they’d been, all Junsu’d been, was just a whim to him. Playing around with the gay guy. Why though? Had it been fun? Had he been bored? Did he laugh about him with the rest of the members of his band? Hahahha… this guy actually thought I liked him. Thinking I would do that. Ew. Now let’s go out and touch boobies.

The bile he’d been fighting reached the back of his throat again, and he swallowed hard. No. He told himself. No. He wasn’t giving anything else to this man. This… liar. This was his goddamned party, and he was going to go out there and enjoy it.

For exactly one half hour, and then he was going home to bury his head under his pillow.

He rubbed his stomach and squared his shoulders, putting on his most aegyo-Junsu grin. Then studied himself in the mirror. No, that wasn’t right. Too cutesy. Changing his expression, he made his eyes smolder, bringing out the sexy Xia. He shook his head. No, he didn’t want T.O.P to think he was so dumb he hadn’t gotten the point and was still chasing after him. Like a stupid dog. Considering his options, he transformed into aloof top star Xia Junsu.

That should do it.

With a flourish, he opened the door and walked out. Right into a solid mass of person. As he teetered backwards, two strong arms went around him, steadying him. Bringing him close. Too close. Junsu closed his eyes for just a moment, imprinting the feeling of him, the smell of him, but at the same time hating himself for needing it.

“I think this is where we started,” Seung Hyun’s voice rumbled next to his ear.

Like a shot, Junsu wedged his hands between them and shoved Seung Hyun back. Started? They never started anything. Without saying a word, he turned on his heel and walked away, back towards the lights, the people, back to safety.

Strong fingers wrapped around his wrist, stopping him. Pulling him back. Putting his aloof top-star face back in place, he turned to Seung Hyun who was standing there in a bulky camo jacket with dark sunglasses over his eyes. Which was good. He didn’t want to look into his stupid eyes anyway. “Let. Go,” he said, feeling proud over his ability to keep his voice low and steady.

But Seung Hyun continued to hold him in place. Just looking at him. Why was he here, damn it?

“I need to talk to you.”

“I have nothing to say to you,” Junsu said, with a tug of his wrist.

“I…” Seung Hyun cleared his throat. “I heard what happened at the recording.”

Junsu went cold inside, everything sliding into place in his head. The asshole felt guilty. He pitied the poor infatuated gay star who couldn’t control himself and cried on TV. It made sickening sense now. He yanked his arm away with all of his might and was finally able to get free. “Stay away from me T.O.P, just fucking stay away from me.”

He stalked away towards the door, determined more than ever, to get out there and be normal. No one pitied Xia Junsu. Weaving his way through the crowd, he made his way over to where he’d left Ji Hyo-noona. “Let’s dance,” his voice still reverberating with anger.

Because sometimes you were just done.

Surprised she looked up at him and then over his shoulder, confusion filling her face. Junsu figured he knew exactly who was standing there and he tried to swallow his anger. “Do you want to dance or not?” He attempted a smile. “Aren’t you here for Yoochun and Jaejoong? They’d dance with me.”

“I’ll dance with you, Junsu!” a voice from the side called out. “I was just coming over to ask you to dance… with us. I mean the group.” Duncan slid over to him, dressed in skinny black jeans and a grey t-shirt which clung tight to his frame. Dancing. Drinking. Friends. This is what he needed, he thought. Just some fucking normal.

“Great, let’s go,” Junsu said, determined. “Noona, last chance…”

Ji Hyo shot a look of confusion over his shoulder before shrugging and taking his hand. Her hand was warm and comforting in his. If only he liked girls, he thought, if only he liked girls then Ji Hyo Noona would be it for him. She was so fun and easy to be around.

He felt Seung Hyun edge closer behind him, inching into his personal space, until he could feel him there, so close they were almost touching. “Junsu…” he whispered. “I need…” Betraying his resolve, he felt his heart jump and his breath caught. T.O.P always had this effect on him, but Junsu refused to look back at him. He was done with this man’s needs.

Luckily, Duncan grabbed his arm, distracting him. “Come on, Junsu!” Junsu glanced down to the crowded dance floor where he could see his crew looking up at him, laughing and cheering, waving for him to come downstairs to join them. Without a backwards glance, he strode to the stairs, following a beaming Duncan and towing an exasperated Ji Hyo behind him.

The beat was hard, the music loud. He could feel it reverberate in his chest, drowning out all other sounds, all other thought. The crowds parted, and he weaved his way over to his crew, accepting congratulations as he went. As he reached the middle of the dance floor, the DJ must have noticed him, as the music stopped for a brief second and then smoothly slid into F.L.P, one of the songs from his new album. Exchanging a thumbs-up and a wave with the man in the booth, Junsu closed his eyes for just a moment, letting the music fill him, before he started to dance.

His dancers closed in a group around him. He threw himself into the music, spinning Ji Hyo around in a circle. Athletic and lithe from all her time on  _ Running Man _ , she was one of the few women, outside his dancers, who could keep up with him, not in skill, but in effort. She was actually one of the worst dancers he'd met, and it just made him like her that much more. As they turned, he could catch glimpses of T.O.P standing just off the dance floor, watching, waiting. Stubbornly, Junsu turned his back to him and continued to writhe in time to the beat.

Duncan edged in closer, his hips bumping into Junsu, knocking him off balance for just a moment before Duncan caught him. Laughing, he pushed at Duncan’s firm arm, getting a few inches between them. “You have a habit of doing that,” he said.

“What?” Duncan leaned in close, his ear almost at Junsu’s lips.

“Bumping! You like to bump me!” Junsu shouted over the music.

“I’d like to bump…” the rest was cut off as the music swelled.

“What?” Junsu yelled again leaning in closer. “I didn’t hear you.”

Duncan smiled, and instead of a reply, turned until he was face-to-face with Junsu and danced closer until they were just a few breaths apart. Duncan was tall, even taller than T.O.P, which required Junsu to crane his neck upwards to see him. From behind, Junsu was bumped again, pushing him firmly into Duncan’s chest.

His mind flashed to an earlier scene with him and T.O.P in the bathroom. They were in the exact same position, but this time, with Duncan, he felt nothing. There was no confusion, no heart racing, it was just… nothing. For as much as he liked to play up the dumb idol bit, Junsu wasn’t stupid. He knew what Duncan felt for him. Knew why he was always hanging around him, trying to get close. Recognized the eager, nervous look on his face whenever Junsu caught him staring. If only he could feel anything for Duncan in return, life would be so much easier. And yet, no matter how much he tried, he felt nothing.

Damn it.

With a sigh he reached up and patted Duncan on the cheek, resolving himself to suck it up and have the talk with him when they weren’t in a place which required shouting at the top of your lungs to be heard. He’d been putting it off for too long, and, if anything, his experience with T.O.P taught him how cruel it was to give hope where there was none. Duncan was good kid and deserved better than that — so did Junsu.

There was a tug at his arm and suddenly he was whirled around until he was face-to-face with a glowering T.O.P.

“What?” He shouted.

“Let’s go.”

“NO!”

T.O.P bent in close, his lips touching Junsu’s ear, his hot breath sending tingles down his neck, tingles which Junsu resented. Why? Why did his body have such an immediate reaction to this asshole?

“Everyone is looking at you and that dancer. Do you want this to be the next thing  _ Dispatch _ writes about?” Junsu looked around and there were a lot of eyes on them, but he was fairly certain it was more T.O.P’s appearance rather than his dancing with a backup dancer which caused such stares. But T.O.P was right, he needed to be careful of even the appearance of a scandal.

Duncan put himself in between him and T.O.P. “Do you mind? Junsu is busy.”

“Yeah,” T.O.P said with a lift of his eyebrow, “with me.”

Junsu closed his eyes and counted to three. He realized he didn’t want to be here anymore. He was tired. He had another show tomorrow. He just didn’t want to deal. He wanted his bed, he wanted to cuddle some cats who didn’t want anything from him, and he wanted to go to sleep, to pretend that this day had never happened. Looking over his shoulder, he gave the signal to his bodyguard who stood at the edge of the dance floor watching cautiously — the sign for the car. Nodding his understanding, he pulled out his cell and called whoever someone called to bring a car around to make a quick getaway.

With a glance over his shoulder, he looked at T.O.P and Duncan who were still squaring off against each other. Good, he thought with just a twinge of guilt. Keep him busy, Duncan, until I can make my getaway.

Ducking down, he weaved through the crowd, meeting up with his bodyguard. “Get me out of here” he said weary, then followed his man out, forcing himself not to look back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter name came from a Damien Rice song. Damien Rice is awesome. I feel like my Junsu would approve.


	17. Let’s Not Fuck Around

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Though Junsu tries to make his escape, Seung Hyun is not ready to let him get away without finally being able to apologize. However, Junsu knows what he knows and has no interest in listening to Seung Hyun's BS. But Seung Hyun? He has a crazy idea that leaves Junsu breathless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Boom Shakalaka Babies. If you've been looking closely you'll realize the rating of T.O.P's Boyfriend has changed from not embarassing at all to Mature (otherwise known as I will never, ever, every be able to look at any of you in the eye again). By far this has been the most awkward thing for me to write. Here's hoping I get better at it before they actually do get to...well...no spoilers. 
> 
> Now I will go and hide in shame. See you next week!

Seung Hyun tried to get around Duncan, but he kept ducking one way, then the other, blocking his path. “What the fuck are you doing?” he demanded, frustrated and angry.

“Looks like Junsu doesn’t want to talk to you,” the man said, if possible even more smug. “You should go. That way.” He nodded in the direction of the stairs opposite the elevator Junsu had just stepped into with his bodyguard.

Damn it. He refused to lose him again. “You’re right.” Seung Hyun then bolted for the stairs, taking them three at a time with his long legs, thankful, for once, for all those punishing workouts Hwang Ssabu, the YG trainer, had put him through every morning since BigBang’s comeback had been officially decided.

Sweaty and out of breath, he reached the top floor, where he made a split-second decision to head towards the private back entrance rather than the front with all the people eager for a look inside the exclusive party. He burst through the heavy, metal door and gave a quick thank you when he came face-to-face with an irritated and surprised Junsu.

“Junsu… wait,” he panted and coughed as he bent over, his hands on his knees.

“Why?” Junsu snapped, his face dark with anger, his eyes almost black, arms crossed tight across his chest. “So you can apologize to me? Well, guess what? I don’t want your fucking fake apology, T.O.P. Actually, I don’t want anything from you again. Ever.”

Each word kicked out at Seung Hyun. He deserved them. He deserved every one of them. Maybe he should just leave him be, he thought. But then he saw the shimmer of tears in Junsu’s eyes and he was faced again with what he’d really done. He hadn’t made him angry, instead, in his panic, he’d hurt Junsu.

“You could leave now, but I’m just gonna keep trying. You have a concert tomorrow? I’ll be there. You’re the special guest at that flower show next week? I’ll be there. I’m not going to let this go until you listen to what I have to say.”

A sleek blue Porsche silently pulled up next to him, and Junsu’s bodyguard stepped out, his body on full alert. “Junsu-shi, are you okay?”

Junsu looked back from the bodyguard to Seung Hyun, clearly trying to make up his mind. “Junsu. Please. 15 minutes.”

He could see as Junsu’s jaw clenched tight, but he nodded stiffly before turning to his body guard. “It’s okay. Go home. I’ll drive myself.”

The man shook his head, obviously not trusting the situation or the crazy person dripping sweat in the middle of the street. “Junsu, I think…”

“Bananas,” Junsu said, and the man relaxed a bit and with a brief bow, turned and walked away — but not before shooting off a final, suspicious look at Seung Hyun.

“Bananas?” Seung Hyun asked.

“Code word.” Junsu bit out the words, then rounded the car climbing into the driver’s seat. Unsure what to do, Seung Hyun just stood there until the window rolled down. “Get in.”

Quickly, Seung Hyun opened the door and clambered in, clicking his seatbelt in place just as Junsu sped off. As it was after two in the morning, the streets of Seoul were relatively quiet, which Junsu took advantage of, letting his powerful car do its best, taking sharp corners and swapping from lane to lane. Seung Hyun stayed quiet, knowing it was best to not say anything until they reached wherever it was Junsu was taking them.

Although... now that he thought about it, he wasn’t sure where they were going, and from the random turns Junsu was taking, Seung Hyun wasn’t sure Junsu had a plan either.

“Uhhh… Junsu? Where are we going?” Seung Hyun asked, trying not to grab the armrest as Junsu executed another turn.

For a moment he was silent, beating out a red light by a second. “I don’t know,” he finally said, his voice full of frustration.

“What? You don’t know? Then where the hell are you driving?”

“I don’t know where to go, okay?” Junsu snapped. “I’m guessing this isn’t a conversation you want to have out in public.”

“So you were just going to drive around until…” Seung Hyun couldn't help but tease.

Junsu shot him an angry look and stopped quickly for the change of a light. The force of it had Seung Hyun jerking into the seat belt. “Let’s just go to my house,” he suggested.

“No!”

“Then what about your house?”

“I’m not letting you into my house.”

“The river where we…” he drifted off, remembering exactly what they did — what he did — the last time they were at the river.

Junsu turned his face away from him before he cleared his throat. “Fine. We’ll go to your house. 15 minutes. Then I leave.” He didn’t have to say the ‘for good’ but Seung Hyun clearly heard it. Quickly executing a U-turn, Junsu sped them off in the opposite direction and Seung Hyun, despite not looking forward to this conversation, was happy they weren’t going to be in the car for too much longer.

They rode in silence and, once they reached Seung Hyun’s building, parked, got out of the car, and rode up to his floor without saying a word. Punching in his code, he held open the door for Junsu to pass through. Flicking on the light, Seung Hyun walked into the kitchen. “Do you want a drink?”

“I don’t drink.”

“Not what it seemed like last time you were here,” Seung Hyun said before immediately kicking himself. God. When was he going to stop putting his fucking foot in his mouth? “Sorry. I mean anything? Tea?”

“What do you want to say, T.O.P? I am serious about 15 minutes.”

Junsu stood stiff in the middle of Seung Hyun’s large living room, his arms crossed tightly around him, looking angry and vulnerable. Seung Hyun wasn’t sure where to start.

“I wanted to say… I’m sorry,” he said, shoving his hands deep into his pockets.

“You’ve mentioned that.”

“No. I mean it Junsu, I acted like an asshole, and it was all my fault — you had nothing to do with it.”

“Whatever. Are you done? Can I go home now, or are you going to keep stalking me?”

Seung Hyun ran his hands through his hair, frustrated. “What do you want from me, Junsu?”

“I’m pretty sure I’ve made it clear I don’t want a thing from you, T.O.P.” Seung Hyun winced at the sound of his stage name, and he could feel his irritation begin to rise.

“I messed up. I know it. But stop acting like an ass.” His brain was shouting at him.  _ Stop it, stop it, stop it, _ but he couldn’t stop the words that were coming out of his mouth. “I just wanted some time. I need to explain. I’m not… I’m not like you Junsu.”

Junsu spun around his eyes aflame. “Yeah, you’ve made it clear you’re not like me.” He stopped for a moment, clenching and unclenching his jaw. “I just want to ask you one thing. Was it fun for you? Was it all a game? Lead on the pathetic guy who’s had a crush on you for years? Did you laugh about it? Joke about me with your buddies? Your new girlfriend?”

“What are you fucking talking about, Junsu?” Seung Hyun was floored. This couldn’t be what Junsu thought. Seung Hyun couldn’t have messed up that badly.  

“Nothing. I’m leaving.” He turned to go, but Seung Hyun blocked his path.

“I still have 10 minutes. What are you talking about, Junsu? What was a game?”

“ME!” An angry tear slipped down Junsu’s cheek. Seung Hyun, without thinking, reached out a hand to brush it away, but Junsu slapped his hand away. “Don’t touch me, don’t ever touch me again.”

“I never once thought you were a game, Junsu, or pathetic. I can’t believe you’d think that of me.”

“What was I supposed to think?” Junsu asked. “Huh, T.O.P? Everything is all great until I want more and then, suddenly, you can’t stand the sight of me.”

Seung Hyun stepped back. This is what Yoochun was talking about. This is why he said Junsu blamed himself for their breakup. God, he was such a fucking idiot. “Junsu, that was never about you, I swear.”

Junsu shook his head and laughed, but the sound was dark and bitter. “Yeah. Right. It would make the timing pretty handy, wouldn’t it? Whenever we kissed? You suddenly had something better to do? Tell me straight.” Junsu said, bringing himself to his full height and thrusting out his chin. “I disgust you, don’t I? What I wanted you to do made you sick when it actually came down to it.”

“No, you don’t disgust me. It wasn’t you, I promise, it was me.”

Junsu let out a disgusted noise. “Do people actually say that in real life? I thought it was just the movies. Whatever, T.O.P, whatever you need to think to make what you did okay.”

“Junsu, do you think I wanted to stop?” Seung Hyun burst out. “Can you really think that I hated what we did? I remember it. I remember all of it. I think of you, your stupid smile, those damn lips of yours, or god, even your fucking ass, and I get hard.”

He watched as Junsu’s eyes opened wide with shock as he stepped back, shaking his head. “No, that’s not… what?”

“I’m telling you. I left…” He shook his head, trying to get the words right, these words needed to be right. Junsu needed to understand.  “No. I forced you to leave because of me. MY stupid issues. Not you.”

Tears slipped down Junsu’s cheeks. “I don’t… I don’t believe you.”

Within two steps Seung Hyun was beside him. Without letting himself think, he took Junsu’s face in his hands and leaned in, taking Junsu’s lips in his. Frustration made him move, taking control. He put everything into the kiss, any amount of skill he’d ever thought he possessed, in trying to convince this man how much he desired him. He turned his attention to those full, full lips that had preyed on his thoughts these last few months. Biting, nibbling. From one side of Junsu’s mouth to the other.

_ Let me in, Junsu, please let me in _ , he thought as Junsu stood there, frozen. He let his hands roam, sliding one to the back of Junsu’s neck, the other lower, lower until he cupped Junsu’s firm, round ass, pulling him tight up against him. If he wouldn’t believe his words, then at least he had to believe his body, which was reacting the same way it always did when Junsu was near — almost blindingly hard. He thrust his hips, slowly, determined, showing Junsu again and again just how much he wanted him.

Suddenly, Junsu gave, just a little bit, opening his mouth, wordlessly granting him permission to continue. Seung Hyun moaned slightly in relief. He was going to make this better. He was going to make Junsu understand. He dipped his tongue into Junsu’s mouth, plundering, making him once again his. Junsu relaxed and hesitantly moved his arms around Seung Hyun’s waist, clutching hesitantly at his shirt.

Seung Hyun pulled him tighter, resisting the urge to howl in victory. His heart racing, he reveled in the taste, breathing in the familiar scent of Junsu. Suddenly, through the haze, he was aware of something dropping on his forearm. Again and again. He pulled back and was shocked to see the tears running down Junsu’s cheeks. Looking into his eyes, the fear and uncertainty plain to see in the dark brown almost killed him. He was such an ignorant bastard.

“Oh, baby, I’m sorry,” he said, his voice husky as he bent down to kiss a tear from Junsu’s cheek. “I’m so sorry.”

He continued to murmur as he skimmed the tracks of Junsu’s tears. When every tear was gone, Seung Hyun returned to the lure of Junsu’s mouth, their kisses now salty with the taste of Junsu’s tears. “God, your lips, I missed your lips,” he whispered, before dipping down again to suck slightly at Junsu’s bottom lip, loving how it made Junsu roll against him. “Sometimes I feel like I can spend hours just kissing your lips.”

Letting out a breathy whimper, Junsu clutched him tighter, which only egged Seung Hyun on. Moving on instinct, he slipped his other hand down Junsu’s back, feeling the strong muscles flex and twitch under him. Reaching the curve of his butt, he rested his hand there for just a moment, smoothing it over the firm roundness. “How is it that a man can have such a glorious ass?”

At Junsu’s startled giggle, Seung Hyun made his move, lifting Junsu, tugging his legs up, until his hips were nestled between Junsu’s muscular thighs, groaning low in his throat at the feel of him, the closeness. He hadn’t planned on doing any of this, had some half-assed plan to apologize, make Junsu finally realize what an asshole he was, and leave again. He should have known. He should have realized the effect Junsu had on him. Had always had on him. Maybe he did know. Maybe subconsciously, he had been looking for this chance back in. But was this fair to Junsu? What was this going to accomplish? He paused, his fucking brain once again taking him out of the moment. It’s like his brain was the worst cockblock ever. 

Junsu broke the kiss and looked back at him, his large, brown eyes dark and wary.

Without a word, Seung Hyun dipped his head and brushed their lips together, once, twice, a third time, before sliding his hands under Junsu’s thighs, encouraging Junsu to wrap his legs around his back. He was brought back to that night at the soccer field, those moments before he’d gone and fucked everything up, before he’d apparently fucked with Junsu’s head — something he would never, ever allow himself to forgive himself for. Almost to seal the promise, he kissed Junsu again, deeper this time, taking his time, savoring Junsu and the moment, saying with his mouth what he couldn’t with his… mouth. Words. Fuck. 

Slowly, Junsu warmed to him again and began moving, writhing his hips against Seung Hyun’s in a pattern that left him breathless and finally snapped his control. Making sure Junsu was secure, he walked out of the kitchen. Each step shifted their hips, thrusting their straining cocks against each other in a maddening beat. Seung Hyun needed to be even closer and tightened his hands on Junsu's rear, bringing him closer, closer, and closer. Junsu shuddered, his breathing heavy, and threw his head back, digging his fingers into Seung Hyun’s shoulders. Unable to resist the temptation of the soft column, Seung Hyun began to kiss his way down Junsu’s neck, just barely remembering not to leave a mark on the pale skin as Junsu had another concert tomorrow… today. But he wanted to. He itched to leave a mark, a symbol, that he had been there. That whatever happened, whether Junsu forgave him, whether he believed him, he would look at that spot and know that Seung Hyun had wanted him.

Junsu’s skin was soft and burned like fire against his lips, and though he himself was white hot already, Seung Hyun shivered hard and clutched Junsu closer.

Junsu tightened his strong dancer's thighs around Seung Hyun’s hips like a python that refused to let go of it’s prey and Seung Hyun took the opportunity to move one of his hands off Junsu’s ass and strip him of the bulky winter coat that was now getting frustratingly in his way, letting it slide to the floor behind them.

Deciding on the couch as it was closer and honestly (if he admitted it to himself) he wasn’t ready for a bed, Seung Hyun carefully placed Junsu down on the cushions before untangling Junsu's legs from around him and standing to shrug out of his own coat before blindly tossing it in the direction of the other one already on the floor. Looking down at Junsu, sprawled on the sofa in the tight black jeans and his perpetual, low-cut v-neck t-shirt, which showed off his sharp collarbones, his lips still wet and shining from their kisses and his eyes dark with want, and yet Seung Hyun could see Junsu was still wary of him.

The man was so fucking sexy. Beautiful. Irritatingly adorable. How could Junsu have ever have thought he hadn’t wanted him? Wanted him too much, that was the problem. Steeling himself, he paused for a moment, resisting the urge to — even at this point — run away, he cautiously reached for the bottom hem of his bulky sweater and pulled it up over his head until his white oxford, buttoned all the way to the top was exposed.

Before he could change his mind, he knelt down beside the couch until he was eye level with Junsu and just stayed there, watching, finding himself for the first time since he started all this unsure of himself. Unsure just what to do, where to go next.

Junsu seemed to sense his hesitation and started to shrink back, the sadness creeping back into his face, his eyes shuttering — which was exactly enough to spur Seung Hyun into action, pushing his brain, his doubts, aside and just rushing in on instinct. He found Junsu's hand, clenched into a tight fist and held it in his own, tugging it up to his lips, brushing a light kiss on the back.

"Junsu," he murmured before turning Junsu's hand over, following movements in kisses along the wrist, flicking out his tongue as he felt the heavy thud of Junsu's pulse. "God, Junsu, you are so wrong." He would do whatever he could, he swore he would do everything in his power to make this right. He would not waste this opportunity.

Surging upwards, Seung Hyun threw his leg over Junsu, straddling him, sinking slowly down onto the couch, relishing the feel of the proof of just how much Junsu wanted him, wanted this, rubbing against him. Junsu may make him crazy, but it was nice to know that he had the same effect on him. Scooting backwards a little, Seung Hyun ran his hands down Junsu’s stomach until he reached the hem of his shirt, where he began to pull it upwards, slowly unveiling Junsu's skin, kissing each inch he exposed, running his tongue softly over the ridges of Junsu’s abdominal muscles, muscles which hadn’t been quite this prominent two months ago, muscles he’d seen just hours before dancing in front of a crowd. But he was the only one who got to see them like this, rolling with pleasure, a different sort of exertion.

This Junsu was his alone, he thought not bothering to hold back the moan that the thought brought out of him.

“You are so fucking beautiful.” 

Continuing his march up Junsu's body, Seung Hyun reached his flat, brown nipples, pert and perfect, studying them, running the pad of his finger over the hardening nub. Unable to resist, he dipped his head down low and cautiously replacing his finger with his tongue. Instantly, Junsu bucked up against him. Looking up, Seung Hyun watched as the look of pleasure washed over Junsu’s flushed face. Testing, he bit down gently, carefully worrying the tight nub in his teeth. Junsu’s hips bucked hard again, and he let out a harsh, guttural moan. Surprised at the response, Seung Hyun did it again gauging the response, and again, Junsu shuddered hard, bringing a wicked grin to Seung Hyun’s face.

“You’re trying to kill me aren’t you?” Junsu whispered, his voice tight.

“It's only fair, you've been trying to kill me for months now." Grabbing the shirt, which was now bunched under Junsu’s arms, he pulled it up and over until his top half was completely bare for him. For him.

Junsu hesitated, then reached his hands up to the buttons on Seung Hyun’s shirt. Instantly he tensed, his damned internal alarms ringing.  _ Stop it, _ he told himself,  _ stop it. We’re not doing this again. _

Pushing through his panic, Seung Hyun snagged Junsu's wrists, reaching them high over his head, pressing them lightly into the arm of the couch.

“Keep them there,” he ordered, staring into Junsu’s confused eyes. “This is about you.” He stayed there staring at Junsu until he nodded slightly up at him. Testing, Seung Hyun moved his hands away and was pleased when Junsu kept his hands in place.

Feeling more secure, Seung Hyun was unable to resist and bent down to meet Junsu’s lips once more. He could barely believe he’d let minutes pass by without kissing him. How silly of him. When Junsu’s tongue reached out to him, Seung Hyun welcomed it, sucking it gently into his own mouth. He’d kissed women, hell, he’d even had sex, but nothing came close in comparison to having Junsu here, splayed out in front of him. Junsu writhing beneath him.

Seung Hyun was a stupid fuck for having almost missed out on this.  

A tugging bite from Junsu on his lip reminded Seung Hyun that he’d let his mind wander, and he focused on his prey again. He laughed lightly against Junsu’s lips just enjoying the moment — enjoying his second chance — before nipping him back. Lowering himself down, he let his body rest on Junsu. For once, he almost wished he could undress, as everything in him wanted to feel Junsu’s skin against his own. He resented his own fears which kept the shirt buttoned tight between them.

Unlike few the women he’d been with before, where they had been soft and round Junsu was all angles and muscle. In the past, when he considered what it would be like to do this with Junsu, he’d thought it would be weird — wrong and awkward — but rather than being weird, they fit perfectly together. Mouth-to-mouth, he thought, pressing his lips to Junsu’s, dipping his tongue teasingly into his mouth again and again until Junsu moaned and his fingers turned white as he continued his desperate hold on the arm of the couch. Chest-to-chest. He could feel Junsu’s heart beating wildly against him. He gave his hips another testing move over Junsu’s, feeling the hard rub of their erections together, making Seung Hyun close his eyes against the overwhelming waves of pleasure that lapped over him. He murmured Junsu's name again against his lips. 

Sliding slightly to the side wedging himself between the back of the couch and the warm, squirming  wall of Junsu, his leg still thrown boldly over his, Seung Hyun let his hand drift down, determined, skimming over that soft skin, over the slight crevice of his belly button, delighting in Junsu’s nervous giggle, petting lightly at the slightest wisp of hair that was there, leading the way down to pants. Reaching the waistband, he slid his fingers just under the fabric before pausing to look at Junsu.

“Okay?” he asked. Almost as an answer, Junsu’s hips thrust up to meet his questing hand, and Junsu moaned lightly, looking cutely embarrassed before nodding yes. 

Flicking open the button, he slowly inched down the zipper, loosening what he could before, unable to wait, he smoothed his fingers under the the line of the teal pair of boxer briefs, bemused to notice that it almost matched the color of Junsu’s hair. He hesitated just a moment before closing his hand around Junsu’s hard, velvety length. Junsu arched up, almost coming completely off the couch with a high keen. 

Again, Seung Hyun was struck at the absurdity of what he was doing. Couldn’t believe that he was exploring another man’s cock, let alone that it was Junsu beneath him right now. He reached down and gave Junsu another hard, desperate kiss.

In all honestly, he wasn’t really sure what to do now that he was here, so he just decided to take his time and explore. Well — explore as much as he could while his hand and Junsu’s hardness were crammed into a pair of skinny jeans. The close quarters caused him to hold Junsu close, until he could feel him twitch in his hand. He ran his hand slowly along the length, and as he reached the top, swiped his thumb across it, feeling the gathering moisture there along his slit. Feeling Junsu’s desire. His desire for him. Seung Hyun, feeling his own desire for Junsu rising, couldn’t help but move his hips along Junsu’s thigh, his breath coming out in shudders.

Junsu made a sound that was half whimper, half moan, and it caused a tingle to run down Seung Hyun's spine and his gut tightened even harder with want. Twisting his hand around the top of Junsu's cock, Seung Hyun started the journey back down, setting off into a rhythm, a pattern.

A fine layer of sweat began to mist Junsu’s skin, and Seung Hyun stopped kissing him long enough to taste it dip his head down to lap at the moisture pooling at the bottom of Junsu's throat. Salt and Junsu. Junsu bucked again and desperately whispered his name.

“Again,” Seung Hyun said and licked at Junsu’s chest while beginning to move his hand faster, harder on Junsu, matching the pace as he ground himself along Junsu’s writhing hip. “Say it again.”

Junsu looked up at him, his eyes glassy with confusion and desire. “What?” His voice was low and hoarse.

“My name, Junsu. Say my name again.”

Junsu licked his lips. “Seung Hyun.”

Seung Hyun bent and took Junsu’s lips for one more kiss, Junsu’s hips racing to meet his fist and Seung Hyun knew he didn't have much time left. “Again.”

“Seung Hyun,” Junsu whispered.

Wickedly, Seung Hyun leaned down and demanded, “Again,” before lightly biting down on Junsu’s nipple. Junsu bucked wildly in his hand, coming instantly as he shouted Seung Hyun’s name.


	18. Gravity Brought My Love Around

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Aftermath: So that happened. But what does it mean? And is Junsu ever going to live past the embarrassment he feels?

Junsu lay there trying put the pieces of himself back together. His heart slammed a heavy beat in his chest. Bom BOOM Bom. Bom BOOM Bom. He could actually feel the blood pounding through his veins. Seung Hyun lay collapsed on top of him, his breath moist and hot on Junsu’s neck, his lips barely brushing his skin.

What just happened? His mind could not stop whirling. What. _The Fuck_ . Just. Happened? He was awake, right? Or was this just some elaborate dream? He wasn’t sure what he wished for more, that he just fell asleep after the concert and this was just an exhaustion-driven dream? He’d wake up in just a little bit… embarrassed but at least alone. Or was Seung Hyun really here and did he really just… _gah_ … jerk him off?

He felt his face go pink at the thought of it.

In his day, he’d had plenty a T.O.P dreams — and not all of them PG — but this? NO. There was no way that this was a dream. Which meant this did just happen. Seung Hyun just… and now his face was burning with shame.

Just how easy was he? How desperate did Seung Hyun think he was?

He edged himself backwards, trying to figure out the best way to get himself out of here, back home, and back to — once again — get his stupid, delusional head on straight. Damn Seung Hyun. Damn himself for being so weak where this man was concerned.

At the movement, Seung Hyun, thankfully, slid his hand from Junsu’s pants. Yes. It was official, he was going to die of embarrassment. But rather than letting Junsu go, Seung Hyun tossed his free hand over Junsu’s bare torso and pulled him tight against his chest, pressing a soft lingering kiss on his neck. Junsu closed his eyes for just a moment, thinking that if only this had happened two months ago — hell, even a month ago — how much this night would have been everything he’d dreamed of, how much he’d waited for this but now it was all just mocking him. Funny how life could play such tricks on you.

Cursing his weakness, Junsu allowed himself to lay there for another moment, his heart breaking with all of the ruined possibilities. When he was brave enough, he steeled himself and brought his arms down from where Seung Hyun had pressed them and wedged them between himself and Seung Hyun, pushing him away and sliding off the couch, landing in a pile on the floor.

“Hey,” Seung Hyun called out, his voice low and husky, “where you going?”

Junsu scrambled to his feet hurriedly, tucked himself back into his pants, and did up the button. Scanning the floor, he found his t-shirt where it dangled off the coffee table, snatched it up, and slipped it over his head, trying not to think about the sticky wetness coating his belly. He’d shower at home. The most important thing was getting himself the hell out of here quickly, before he embarrassed himself any further.

His head bent, he fled, or tried to, but Seung Hyun bolted upright and grabbed Junsu’s wrist, his grip like iron. “Junsu, baby, what’s wrong?”

“Don’t call me baby,” Junsu whispered, forcing the words out, trying hard to speak around the lump in his throat.

Without letting go the grip he had on Junsu, Seung Hyun rose. “Fine. Junsu, what is wrong?” he asked again.

“Nothing,” Junsu said, trying to tug his hand away. “I need to leave.”

“What?” Seung Hyun asked, his voice clearly surprised. “You’re just going to leave. After we just…”

“After we what?” Junsu asked.

Seung Hyun pulled at Junsu’s wrist to turn him around to face him, and when Junsu refused to look at him, he tugged at his chin until Junsu finally looked up. “Uhh… I don’t know. After I just put my hand on your dick and fucking got you off?” His face was clouded with anger, his eyes snapping just as hard as his tone. “Or did you manage to forget that in the five minutes since it happened?”

“I’m not the person who’s forgetting something here,” Junsu snapped.

“What are you talking about?” Seung Hyun asked. “What am I supposed to have forgotten?”

Was he playing stupid on purpose? Junsu attempted to once again get his arm back from Seung Hyun, but he couldn’t manage to loosen his grasp. “Oh, I don’t know, how about your girlfriend?” he blurted out, cursing himself for the way that his voice caught on the girl.

“What girlfriend?”

Junsu jerked his gaze back up to Seung Hyun, to Seung Hyun’s confused expression. “Your… girlfriend. The one that Tablo told me about.”

“Why would Tablo-hyung tell you I have a girlfriend?” Seung Hyun asked.

“He told me!” Junsu stammered. “He told me you were partying with Seungri and you started dating some girl he introduced you to.”

Seung Hyun shook his head. “I’m not dating anyone.” He paused, considering.

Junsu studied his face, trying to gauge if what Seung Hyun was telling him was the truth, desperate to believe him.

“Okay. There was a girl.”

Junsu could actually feel the few, intact pieces of his heart smash as the unwanted tears filled his eyes. Would his stupid emotions let him have a shred of pride left? Using all his weight, he yanked his arm, finally getting it from Seung Hyun’s grip. Unfortunately, he hasn’t been prepared for his attempt to actually be successful, and the lack of resistance had him stumbling backwards. In a flash, Seung Hyun was there, swooping in, catching him, clutching Junsu firmly into his arms.

“Junsu, please listen to me,” Seung Hyun begged. “There was a girl. There were lots of girls — but I never slept with any of them. I was a fucking idiot and thought… I don't even know what I thought. That by going out with Seungri, I could forget you? That I could pretend that this thing between us hadn’t happened? That I hadn’t fucked my life up so badly?”

Each word was like a hammer to Junsu’s heart, and for the first time since all those years ago when he’d first heard T.O.P’s voice over the radio, he wished Seung Hyun would just shut the hell up, wished he’d never hear the sound of his voice again.

“I’m sorry for having messed up your life so badly. Just let go of me and and you won’t ever have to see me again,” Junsu said dully. “It’s not like our lives crossed paths before. You can just pretend you never met me.”

Seung Hyun’s arms constricted like iron bars around him, pulling Junsu in tight against him. Stubbornly, Junsu used all of his remaining will, forcing himself not to give in, not to bend or soften, fighting that stupid, stupid part of him that wanted nothing more than to stay right where he was, to pretend that nothing had happened, to pretend Seung Hyun hadn’t smashed his heart into bits…

But pretending got him nowhere. Or worse, pretending got him exactly where he was right now. Chasing after a dream that never existed. His knees buckled at the thought, and for the first time he was thankful for Seung Hyun’s grip, as he would have dropped to the floor without it — and he’d embarrassed himself enough in front of this man.

“Meeting you didn’t mess up my life, Junsu, letting you get away did.” He breathed the words into the crook of Junsu’s neck.

“I didn’t _get away_ Seung Hyun,” Junsu spat the words out at him. “You pushed me away. _Again_ . Just kicked me out of your life like we… like we were nothing.” He swallowed hard. “Like _I_ was nothing. And when Tablo Hyung told me…”

Seung Hyun pulled his head back and stared at Junsu, his eyes dark and full of a pain that Junsu would not let himself believe. “God, Junsu, I’m such a fucking idiot. You’re not nothing. You’re the complete opposite of nothing.” He dipped his head down and brushed his lips against Junsu’s, soft and warm. “You’re sweet, you’re funny, you’re sexy as fuck…”

Junsu managed to slip away from Seung Hyun. He was wary, confused, and afraid to believe anything that Seung Hyun was saying. “Then why, Seung Hyun, why? You knew how much I liked you. You knew. And to push me away like that? Making me feel like it was my fault? Was cruel.”

Seung Hyun sank down onto the couch as if it were his legs this time could not hold him anymore and looked up at Junsu, his eyes clouded with guilt that Junsu refused to bow to. “I swear I didn’t know. I didn't know you felt that way.”

“Were we not in this same apartment? Wasn’t it you who kicked me out, breaking up with me after I kissed you? What was I supposed to think?”

Shoving his hands deep into his hair, Seung Hyun bowed his head. “What I said before? That it’s me not you? It’s not some trite line. You deserve someone better than me, Junsu. When I was pushing you away, I honestly thought I was doing what was best for you.”

Junsu was floored, his mind whirling. This couldn’t be true could it? No.

“You’re T.O.P,” he said then shook his head. “No, better than that— you’re Choi Seung Hyun. How is there anyone better out there? You’re nice. You’re funny. The sound of your voice. Okay, you have weird taste in furniture, but have you _seen_ yourself?”

Seung Hyun looked up and caught Junsu’s eyes, the pained expression surprising Junsu. Junsu was used to the varied expressions of both T.O.P and Seung Hyun, but he’d never seen this Seung Hyun before. This Seung Hyun seemed so sad, sad and lost. His heart tugged a little in his chest, and despite himself Junsu reached out and laid a hand on Seung Hyun’s knee, feeling the muscle clench tight beneath his fingers. Seung Hyun reached down and took Junsu’s hand in his, tugging it away from his leg. Junsu hunched his shoulders, expecting to be pushed away again, but Seung Hyun tucked his hand in his, carding their fingers delicately together.

“I have seen myself,” he said, his voice tight. “Or, I try not to.”

From the other room, Junsu could heard the start of a muffled alarm and then another one, louder, and then, from the sounds of it, at least two others, and he jumped a bit in surprise. Was someone else here? He hadn’t considered that. No, he thought, shaking his head. Don’t be an idiot. Seung Hyun wouldn’t have had them come here, wouldn’t have had them do… whatever it was he’d done to him on that couch if someone else was here.

“Shit,” Seung Hyun swore. “What time is it?”

Junsu shook his head. “Four? Four-thirty?”

“Shit. Shit. Shit.” Seung Hyun stood up, and letting go of Junsu’s hand, hustled into the other room. “I have to go.”

“You have to _what_??”

There was a thump and the alarm turned off. Seung Hyun came out of the darkened doorway looking sheepish. “I have to go. Well. Not yet. But very soon.”

“Are you kidding me?” Junsu asked, incredulous. “You’re going to leave now?” Although why did it surprise him? Seung Hyun running away again. Seemed like he was right on schedule. “Never mind. Whatever. I’m going home.” He walked past Seung Hyun, intent for the door.

“Don’t go,” Seung Hyun said quietly. “Look. I know I messed up. I know you have no reason to trust me. But don’t go. Stay here. I’ve searched for you for days, and I don’t want to have to do it again.”

“You searched for me.” Junsu stopped in the doorway, the thought making him pause.

“I did. I even asked Ji Yong to help. Tonight was the closest I could get. Look, I’m sorry. My schedule is packed today because of the new album. If I’m not there in an hour, Hwangsabu will actually come here and hunt me down.”

“Hwangsabu?”

“My nemesis. The YG trainer.”

With that Junsu spun around. “You’re leaving me to go to the gym?”

Seung Hyun took a step closer. “I’m actually not kidding about him coming to get me — or sending someone for me. It’s kind of a deal we have.”

Junsu studied his face to see if he could see any lie there. Any sign that Seung Hyun was on the run. And saw none. “You want me to stay here?”

“Yes,” Seung Hyun said, a smile on his lips. “You’re tired. You had a fucking amazing concert, then the after party, and then…” he trailed off, clearing his throat and wiggled his eyebrows towards the couch. Junsu could feel his cheeks flush again at the reminder of what they had done there. “Take a shower, lie down in my bed and get some sleep. We can talk tonight. After your concert.”

“You want me to stay here?” he repeated, his brain having trouble processing as, now that sleep was brought into the conversation, he realized just how exhausted he was, the weight of the day, the week, this last month, slamming into him.

Seung Hyun moved over to him, reaching a hand to smooth Junsu’s bangs away from his eyes, repeating the gesture over and over as if he were petting the hair across his skin. Unable to resist, Junsu allowed his eyes to drift shut and leaned his head into the movement.

“Yes. Stay here. Sleep in my bed,” Seung Hyun said, his voice low.

Junsu felt him get closer, until suddenly, he was scooped up, held close in Seung Hyun’s arms,  just as he had been an hour ago, but this time was different. It was warm and comforting instead of hot. The tired had creeped in so fast and hard, he didn’t bother to open his eyes until he felt himself being placed on a soft mattress. His eyes opened and he looked up at Seung Hyun staring down at him, his eyes inscrutable.

“Don’t put me on your bed,” he said, “I’m all dirty.”

Seung Hyun looked down at him and smiled wickedly. “Dirty? I wonder how you got that way.” With that he grabbed the bottom hem of Junsu’s t-shirt and carefully tugged it over his head, then used it to wipe any remaining moisture from his stomach. If Junsu hadn’t been so tired he would have been mortified, but at the moment, looking at Seung Hyun looking at him, he just couldn’t find it in him to care.

Just as quietly, Seung Hyun unbuttoned Junsu’s pants and worked the tight fabric down his legs, swearing just a little bit, until his legs were free and tossed them into the corner. Junsu, his eyes getting heavier, watched as Seung Hyun ducked into an adjoining room and listened as he heard the sound of running water. In a few moments, just as Junsu was going to give into sleep, he came back out and sat at the edge of the bed. Junsu’s eyes popped back open as he felt the warm, moist cloth being run over his stomach.

“I can do that,” he said, reaching to grab the towel from Seung Hyun, who stubbornly held it firm.

“Shhh… I want to,” he said and continued to pet the soft material down his stomach. “Go to sleep Junsu. I’ll set the alarm. You can sleep here, and I’ll come pick you up after the concert.” Junsu felt his eyes getting heavy again at the rhythmic motion.

“Don’t be so nice to me,” Junsu murmured. “It hurts too much.”

He thought he felt a thick blanket being piled on him. He thought he felt what could have been Seung Hyun’s lips on his. But as sleep overtook him, he couldn’t tell if it was real or if his dreams had already begun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title comes from an Elvis Perkins song, While You Were Sleeping
> 
> I post fun TopSu stuff at [my tumblr](http://fanficjjigae.tumblr.com/), come join me!


	19. Lullabys on a Sleep Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What's Junsu to do when he wakes up alone in Seung Hyun's bed? (Besides, freak out?) Snoop around, of course!

The sound of an alarm rustled Junsu out of the deepest sleep he'd had in awhile. Reaching blindly out at the nightstand, he waved his hand over where his alarm clock sat — and came up empty. Suddenly, there was another alarm, this time, a beeping from the corner of the room. 

“What the…” he pushed himself up onto his elbows as yet another alarm rang, this time even louder. Had his management snuck into his house to put in new alarms? Blearily, he opened his eyes before sitting up straight in shock. This was not his bed. This was not his house. 

The night before flooded back to him, and he sat there, the alarms ringing louder and louder, until he was forced to climb out of the bed, shocked to realize he was wearing nothing but his underwear and hurried around the room turning off the four different alarm clocks, before blessed quiet settled over the room. 

His mind whirled. So, not a dream then. With a squeak he bolted back for the bed and dove in, curling into a mortified little ball and tugged the heavy comforter over his head as the memories of the night before washed over him. Had he really? 

Had they really? 

Over and over again, he replayed the night in his head trying hard not just to focus on the couch — but failing pretty miserably. He grinned and kicked his feet into the mattress. Sneaking a hand underneath the blanket he padded his hand around until it hit pillow and dragged it into his fortress of embarrassment and lusty thoughts. Bringing it to his face, he breathed in the scent he had been so sure he’d never smell again. 

Seung Hyun. 

The smell brought back the memory of Seung Hyun leaning over him, of his lips on his body, of… yeah. His cheeks flushed again, this time not just from the embarrassment. He’d known they would be amazing together, he’d just known it, but that? Wasn’t anything he could have imagined — and they hadn’t even had sex!

Well. He guess they did. Kind of. 

He rubbed his cheek against the crisp pillowcase, burrowing his head deep into the scent that was Seung Hyun and closed his eyes, ready to drift off to the unbelievable sensation of being in Seung Hyun’s bed, under Seung Hyun’s comforter, basically making out with Seung Hyun’s pillow. Giggling at the thought, Junsu was shocked when another alarm clock started to ring. 

“Damn it!” he said in exasperation. How was he going to go back in the freaking moment if these stupid alarms wouldn’t stop going off? Holding onto the slightest hope that it was one of those alarm clocks that would give up and turn off on its own after a while, he waited as long as he could before the alarm drove him absolutely batty until, finally throwing back the comforter, climbing back out of bed, and following the sound of the beeping, he made his way into Seung Hyun’s large bathroom. The bright red old-fashioned alarm clock sat on a heavy marble counter tossed with the usual skin care supplies needed by a Kpop star and a large collection of toy robots. After slamming his hand down a little harder than was necessary on the off button of the blaring machine, Junsu reached out and picked up the biggest of the robots, a whimsical one which looked slightly like a mouse. Looking closer at it, he realized the thing looked familiar because it had been in one of the T.O.P and GD music videos. 

Humming along to the song now floating through his brain, he fiddled with the robot for a while, moving its arms, contorting it into different shapes absentmindedly as he took in the rest of the room. His bathroom was a little bit bigger he realized with a snicker. The room was mostly filled by a large shower and, surprisingly, one of those whirlpool tubs. He sighed wistfully wishing he had time a long soak. While his house only had the shower, periodically one of the hotels he’d been in on tour would have a tub like this, and he thought they were heavenly. All hot and bubbly, it would take all the aches and pains from the day and wash it right away. Okay, so maybe Seung Hyun’s bathroom was better than his despite being smaller. He wondered if maybe he shouldn’t install a bathtub at his house. He began to build a little fantasy in his mind — him, Seung Hyun, and bubbles. Nothing naughty, just bathtub cuddles. There was nothing wrong with bathtub cuddles, right? 

Naked bathtub cuddles. Okay. So maybe a little naughty. 

But his schedule today did not allow for a bathtub soak, naughty or otherwise, so with a sigh, he turned away and continued his perusal of the bathroom, the pile of towels crumpled on the floor that he bent over and tossed into the hamper in the corner, the large double sink that was oddly topped by two mirrors that were so small that they were more ornate frame than mirror. 

Was Seung Hyun redecorating, Junsu wondered. The mirrors were so impractical, he couldn’t imagine any self-respecting decorator choosing them.

With a shrug, Junsu spun around, curious about the rest of the house. Back in the bedroom, he was surprised at the piles of clothes laying around the floor. He would never have taken Seung Hyun for the messy type. The walls were covered in large, abstract prints and photographs, modern art that he knew Seung Hyun loved, but no matter how much Junsu tried, he just couldn’t understand. He opened the doors to the wide closet and ran his hands down the line of clothes tucked in there, suits upon suits, and, oh, look more suits! The fabrics tickled his fingers and he stopped at a big, black, thick robe which, after less than a second’s hesitation, he put on, as he just felt weird wandering around Seung Hyun’s house in his underwear. 

The robe was large enough to where it would probably fit both he and Seung Hyun together with room to spare. He wrapped the extra fabric around his waist and rolled up the sleeves, feeling just a little bit like a heroine in a movie, dwarfed in the hero’s clothes — he smiled, realizing just how close to the trope he was. The thick robe was luxuriously soft and cozy. Junsu popped the collar and rubbed it on his cheek — like the pillow, the robe smelled of the distinct scent of Seung Hyun, and he pulled it tighter, pretending, just for a moment, that it was Seung Hyun himself that held him. 

_ God, Junsu! Pull yourself together, _ he lectured himself.  _ What are you doing, mooning around Seung Hyun’s apartment? So the man apologized. Did that change anything? No. Should you actually believe anything he said to you? Trust that he wasn’t going to dump you when the next thing came up?  _

That was the sticking point. The realization hit him harder than he wanted, and he dropped his head to his chest. No. He didn’t,  _ couldn’t  _ trust him not to run away. And if he bolted again a few weeks from now, a few months from now, or hell, even years from now, then where would Junsu be? How much harder would a break up be if Junsu allowed their relationship to go further? If this time they actually had sex? He’d barely survived the last Seung Hyun hit-and-run, he wasn’t sure if he could do it again. 

Maybe though, just maybe whatever it was that Seung Hyun was afraid of would explain everything — would suddenly make it all okay. Like maybe he only had three months to live and didn’t want Junsu to get attached!

_ No, That was horrible and you are a terrible person for thinking that, _ he admonished himself. 

Military? Maybe he got word his time had come and didn’t want to make Junsu wait for him? 

While not as horrifying as the first scenario, it was pretty unlikely. As a card-carrying VIP — with a membership card he’d laminated himself in his wallet to prove it — he knew the new album was about to come out, which meant a big world tour that would last the better part of a year. If T.O.P had gotten his notice, Junsu — and the whole world — would know about it. 

Could it be the world tour itself then? Did he not want to be in a relationship while touring? The stress of that much time apart would be hard on a relationship — just look at how hard it was for Junsu to leave his cats and he 1) didn’t tour nearly as much as Seung Hyun and 2) even he had to admit (to himself, never out loud, never around the cats) that he loved Seung Hyun way more than his babies. He couldn’t imagine being in love, wanting to be around someone all the time and not be able to fit it into a schedule. However, realistically, they were both top stars, busy schedules were going to be the least of their worries. But if they really wanted to be together, it was just going to have to be dealt with.

Of course, this is all if they started dating again — and that was a pretty freaking big if — despite the fact Seung Hyun apparently had the ability to turn his bones into jello. Made him come so hard that even the thought of Seung Hyun today made Junsu’s heart thump like crazy in his chest and his insides turn all hot and bubbly. 

Fanning his face, he realized he needed to change his thought pattern before he did something really stupid and embarrassed himself even further. 

He shook his head in an attempt to knock any remaining lusty thoughts out and decided to distract himself by investigating the rest of the house. Seung Hyun wasn’t here and Junsu wasn’t above being nosy — like a kid let loose in a T.O.P-themed candy store.

Slipping on a pair of Seung Hyun’s slippers, Junsu padded through the house, back into the living room, taking special care to pretend the couch of confusion and hand jobs didn’t exist. He was surprised by the large accumulation of… stuff in the spacious apartment. He wasn’t sure how he’d missed it in his previous visits. Ahem. Yes he did, he thought with a giggle. He shook the thought out again. 

_ Bad, Junsu, bad! Keep going like that and you’re never going to make it through this place in one piece. _ Junsu always knew (what fan didn’t) that Seung Hyun collected things, but to see it all mixed together, art, sculptures, toys, furniture, books — it seemed like it should be a cluttered mess. But with Seung Hyun’s sense of style, it was eye-catching and eclectic. 

Yep. It was official. If Junsu thought this expensive hoarders paradise was cute, he had it bad. 

Realizing he still carried the mouse robot from the bathroom, Junsu was hit with a wicked idea and considered the room, looking for the very best spot before deciding on a shelf crowded with books, a framed picture of some fancy chair (he’ll remember to laugh about that later), and some dolls. Ahem. Action figures. He figured Seung Hyun would be one of those people who were particular about the distinction. 

Debating, he finally picked up the dashing Han Solo and replaced it with the robot before carefully raising the bots arms until they were fully stretched out. Then, with a snicker, he deposited Han into the arms of the robot. Junsu stood back and admired his handiwork, enjoying that in the midst of all this confusion, there was a hidden part of him there. Plus there was was the added bonus that it would be a very long time before Seung Hyun found what he’d done. 

His stomach growled, reminding him angrily just how long it had been — how much had happened — since he’d last eaten. Making his way to the kitchen area, he stopped short by the sight in front of him. A brightly-colored food tent covered several yummy looking dishes that had his stomach growling all over again. He snatched up the yellow sticky note stuck precariously to the top of the tent, taking in Seung Hyun’s much-missed, sloppy handwriting. 

_ You’re in luck — mom was just here, and there is actual food in the house.  _ _   
_ _ Eat. Kimchi jjigae in the fridge if you want it.  _ _   
_ _ Good Luck with your concert.  _ _   
_ __ CSH

Was that it? No, it couldn’t be. Junsu turned the note over hoping there was a backside. No. He looked around the floor to see if maybe another note had fallen off. No luck. Well. Not the most romantic note in the world, Junsu thought, trying hard not to be disappointed. What exactly had he been expecting at 4:30 in the morning? A sonnet? A declaration of love and devotion? A “Hey, you’re welcome for that big orgasm?” He was being silly. Put another way, at 4:30 in the morning, with a busy day ahead of him, Seung Hyun had taken the time to lay food out for him. That was something — wasn’t it? 

Forcing a smile to his face, Junsu pulled the cover off the food and did exactly as Seung Hyun had directed — he ate. 

*******

Seung Hyun grunted as he pushed his way through a final set of weights. Sweat trickled down his face, stinging as it slipped into his eyes. Letting the weights crash to the floor with a bang that echoed through the busy gym, he wiped at his face, choosing to ignore Hwangsabu’s glare. 

“How many time do I tell you not to just drop the weights on the floor? Complete the set. Do it again.” 

“It’s eight in the morning, Hyung. I’m here. What more do you want from me?” Despite his words, he picked up the weights and finished the set properly as experience told him if he didn’t the YG trainer, who he was fairly certain was part devil, would just take his punishment out elsewhere. He had no intention of being here any longer than he needed to be — considering his thoughts constantly reminded him that he was here while there was a warm and sleepy Junsu tucked into his bed. Hwangsabu was lucky he was here at all. Even now, part of him wanted to run back home and climb into bed with him. 

Not to do anything. 

To sleep. 

Or to make sure that the man who’d haunted him all this time was still there, that he had found him, that this wasn’t just some elaborate dream played on him by his tired, confused brain. That he was there and real, and maybe, just maybe, he hadn’t fucked this whole thing up so much there was no going back. That maybe Junsu would be dumb enough to give him another chance. He swore to whoever was out there who would listen, that if Junsu just gave him one more chance he would do anything in his power not to mess this up. 

Again. Maybe this hadn’t been his intention when he went there to find Junsu yesterday. However, he thought back to the night before, and his breath caught as the memory of what they’d done — what he’d done, a guy who this time last year would have said he was 200% straight — flooded his tired overwhelmed brain. There was no way he’d ever imagine in his wildest dreams that the night would end with his hand on Junsu’s dick. 

Okay, so maybe in his wildest dreams. 

“Hey! Earth to T.O.P!” Seung Hyun flinched back in surprise as Hwangsabu flicked his forehead. “I’m not sure what’s gotten into you today, but keep up the good work. You’ll be ready for the tour in no time if you keep on like this.” 

The world tour. Sure. That’s why he’d worked out for a fiend for the three hours — not the devil on his shoulder who kept whispering in his ear, attempting to fucking horn in on the memory of last night, attempting to lure him into ruining everything again. Slyly reminding him there were more to adult relationships than kisses and handjobs. That soon, Junsu would expect more. That the hands on the couch trick, despite how fucking sexy it had been, wasn’t going to work every time. He swallowed hard at the image of Junsu writhing on the couch, his cheeks flushed pink with arousal and adorable embarrassment, his lips wet and swollen from his kisses — their kisses — crashed back to the front of his brain. Yes, he’d been around women before, even dated a few, but that didn’t compare in the slightest with those few moments with Junsu.

With any of his moments with Junsu. 

_ Let’s just see what he has to say when you spill your guts tonight, _ the devil on his shoulders whispered. Maybe once Junsu knew everything, it would be him that ran away this time. Driven by the idea, Seung Hyun threw himself into another set, ignoring the protest the muscles in his arms gave, ignoring the pleased shouts from the trainer. It was just him, his will, and the devil on his shoulder. 

So he didn’t notice Jiyong until he was almost standing right next to him. 

“Seung Hyun-ah.” Jerked from his thoughts, Seung Hyun studied a solemn looking Jiyong who, from the looks of his studied outfit and yards of accessories that only Jiyong could wear and not look ridiculous, had not come to the gym to work out. 

“What’s up?” Seung Hyun panted as, under the glare of Hwangsabu, he carefully placed the weight on the floor. 

“It’s time to talk.”


	20. The Devil Comes 'Round

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seung Hyun knew there was going to be a price to pay for getting Ji Yong's help in locating Junsu, he just hoped it wouldn't come due so fast.

It was time to pay the price for Ji Yong's help — after Ji Yong had pulled out all the stops to hunt Junsu down without question, it was only a matter of time. Seung Hyun knew his silent acceptance wasn't because he didn't have questions or that Seung Hyun wouldn't have to answer them — there was a reason why Ji Yong was the unequivocal leader of BigBang — but at the time it was the price Seung Hyun had been willing to pay in order to locate Junsu.

He just hadn’t realized he'd have to pay so quickly.

"G-Dragon, you aren't thinking of interrupting T.O.P's workout, are you? All that alcohol he's been drinking with Seungri. He needs to work out,” Hwangsabu complained as he poked his finger into Seung Hyun's side, making him wince. “Oh, you didn't think I knew about that?" Hwangsabu was right though, the last month he'd literally been trying to drown out the memory of Junsu. Like the answer to all his problems would just be solved if there were no Junsu.

"Go away, G-Dragon, all those calories have to go somewhere, and as long as I'm around it's not going to be his gut." The withering glare he shot Seung Hyun made him duck his head guiltily. Hyung may be a hard task master, but he'd taken one look at the scared but determined Seung Hyun, and he'd helped create T.O.P.

"Hwangsabu-hyung. I checked the board. He's been here since five. He's been punished enough for his sins." Ji Yong gave the trainer one of his most alluring smiles, one which usually got him exactly what he was looking for, from whoever he was asking.

However, if he thought charm was going to work on the devil trainer from YG, he had a big surprise coming his way. Nothing got in the way of Hwangsabu kicking Seung Hyun's ass into shape — and Seung Hyun had the five alarm clocks to prove it. This was one of the few times in his times in the YG gym he was thankful for his trainer’s bulldog nature. Working out or having to explain Junsu to Ji Yong? The choice was pretty fucking obvious.

"Go away, GD. Seung Hyun, kettlebell thrusts. Three sets. Now." He crossed his muscled arms over his overly muscled chest and stared down the skinny GD, daring the man to contradict him.

Trying to hold back a gleeful smile, Seung Hyun shrugged, gave Ji Yong the most innocent 'what can I do?' look he could muster and grabbed a kettlebell from the rack, lifting it high above his head, before bringing it back down again.

"Wait." With a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach, he turned back to Ji Yong, who had a gleam in his eye that told Seung Hyun he was about to get shafted.

"You're right, trainer-nim. We wouldn't want our T.O.P to get pudgy — our fans would be very upset with me. He deserves to be punished for all his misdeeds." Ji Yong cocked his head and raised an eyebrow at him, and Seung Hyun was infinitely aware he was no longer talking about the booze. "Let me have him now." Hwangsabu frowned and opened his mouth to cut off Ji Yong, but he held up his hand and continued. "Let me have him now, and I'll clear his schedule, and I'll make sure he comes back for a second bout with you later today."

Fuck! Yep, looking at the gleam now in Hwangsabu’s eyes, Seung Hyun realized he was indeed about to be shafted.

"Wait! Don't we have that production meeting this afternoon?" Seung Hyun backpedaled.

Ji Yong narrowed his eyes at him. "Trainer-nim is right, you have been bad, and for that, you should be punished." He turned back to the devil of YG. "What do you say, let me have him now and you can have him back today. Two workouts for the price of one."

Hwangsabu grinned and Seung Hyun could almost feel the evil satisfaction pouring off him.

He was so fucked.

***********

After making his devil bargain with Hwangsabu, a preening, strutting Ji Yong dragged Seung Hyun through the hallways of YG, nodding and bowing to people they came across, but not stopping until they reached Ji Yong’s private studio. Herding Seung Hyun through the door, he shut it firmly behind them before locking it securely. When Seung Hyun raised an eyebrow at him, Ji Yong simply shrugged.

“Something tells me this isn’t a conversation we want anyone walking in on.”

Okay, this was going to be bad.

Obviously, his misgivings showed on his face, as Ji Yong rolled his eyes. “Relax Idiot Boy, I’m not going to kill you.” He slouched down low in the big chair in front of the soundboard before gesturing to the long couch that covered the entire back wall. “Sit.”

Though it grated on him to just follow direction, Seung Hyun figured he wasn’t really in a position to fight Ji Yong. Awkwardly, he sat, fidgeting, trying to get comfortable, when really he was just waiting for the Junsu-sized shoe to drop.

“I need you to tell me what’s going on between you and Junsu, Seung Hyun,” Ji Yong came right out and asked, the teasing completely gone from his voice, the concerned leader Ji Yong firmly in place.

Seung Hyun wasn’t sure how to answer. Did he tell him the truth? What was the truth? That he and Junsu were… he wasn’t even sure what the fuck they were right now. Would Ji Yong hate him? Would he say disgusting things about Junsu? It wasn’t like what they were doing was acceptable in this country — especially for an idol. Would he kick Seung Hyun out of BigBang? Would he demand Seung Hyun not see Junsu anymore? Good luck with that, he thought — he may not exactly have a name for what they were doing, but if these months had taught him anything, Junsu was massively important to him. And he didn’t think just giving him up was an option anymore.

Did that mean he should lie? If this thing blew up somehow and they were found out, wouldn’t it be better if no one knew? Plausible deniability or some bullshit?

He cleared his throat and took a deep breath before wading in. “I… we’re friends. Good friends,” he said, surprised at the odd feeling that he was betraying Junsu nudging at him. “We had a fight and…”

“Don’t lie to me Seung Hyun,” Ji Yong snapped at him.

Seung Hyun felt his own irritation rise to life. “My personal life is none of your business.”

“That’s bullshit and you know it. BigBang _is_ my business and if your personal life in any way endangers that then I have a right to know.”

Jumping up from the couch, Seung Hyun began to pace the room, for once glad how much bigger Ji Yong’s studio space was than his. “I’m not going to do anything to mess with BigBang. We give up so much of our life for this, I don’t think it’s too much to ask for me to be able to have parts of my life that don’t belong to you, to the fans.”

“If there is anyone in the world who understands what you’re talking about, it’s me.” Ji Yong fixed him with his steely glare. “But you came to _me_ , Seung Hyun. You came to me last week looking more freaked out than I’ve ever seen you and asked me to help you. _You_ brought me into this.”

Seung Hyun was silent. Torn.

“I am the leader of BigBang,” Ji Yong leaned in closer and said in a more calm voice. “It’s my job to protect the group, and I can’t do my job unless you tell me what’s going on.”

He was right. If there was any chance that this could blow up on him, that this could affect the band in any way, Ji Yong had a right to know no matter what the consequences.

“I…” He struggled to find the right words — funny for a rapper who could spit out words by the dozen. Seung Hyun wasn’t sure what it was about Junsu that made him so tongue-tied. That took a normal thought stream and twisted and turned it around in his head. “I don’t know how…” The fight leaving him, he stopped his pacing and sank back down on the couch, stretching his legs out long in front of him, his eyes staring at the floor as if it would somehow give him the words he needed, would know how to make this all okay.

Ji Yong leaned in, his elbows resting on his knees, the low lights of the studio glinting off the gold chains he wore. “That girl who sent you flowers that day in your apartment. It wasn’t a girl, was it?” Seung Hyun shook his head. “No,” he admitted, “it was Junsu.”

“When did it start?”

“I met him the night of the charity musical.” That stupid, wonderful night. He both thanked and cursed that night. If he had just ignored the boss’s directive, stayed in his studio, and not gone anywhere, he wouldn’t be here right now. Of course, that meant he would never have met Junsu. Would never have become friends with him. Would never have kissed him in that car. Wouldn’t be anywhere.

He watched as Ji Yong slowly spun one of the heavy, metal bracelets wrapping his wrist around, considering. “So, you finally getting past your writer's block. That was Junsu?”

“I don’t even know what happened. I was a fucking asshole to him that night, but then watching him sing? I don’t know,” he said, shaking his head. “It was… god so fucking cliched to say magical, but you were there man, you saw it, you saw him. The way he sings, his fucking talent, it kind of… reminded me that I liked music. Not just making music, but liked music itself. I’m not sure how I forgot that. I think, I think I was focused so much on making music, on trying to outdo the last album, to not let the rest of you — not let myself down — that I forgot about music itself. You know what he did?” He said with a wry smile. “Once he finally forgave me for being such an asshole that first time we met, he took me to a noraebong.”

“A noreabong,” Ji Yong chuckled. “What are you 15?”

“Hey! Not kidding, it was the best medicine ever, just hanging with your friends, having fun, not giving a shit if you’re good, not caring, worrying about being the next big thing, it was… really good,” he ended lamely, a little embarrassed for his openness.

“Huh,” Ji Yong considered, studying Seung Hyun. “I’ll keep that in mind. Maybe a BigBang field trip is in order. I know we could all use a little letting go. This new album has us all on edge.” He sat back in the chair, crossing his legs delicately in front of him. “But that’s not all, is it? Between you and Junsu I mean.”

Seung Hyun studied him, he knew he shouldn’t be surprised that Ji Yong had guessed what was going on, it didn’t take a fucking genius after the last few days, but to hear it said out loud was a shock to his system. Throughout this he’d had a hard enough time admitting it to himself, let alone ever imagining admitting it out loud. Seung Hyun considered before answering. He could lie. This was enough of an explanation. He’d shown enough of his insides to placate Ji Yong.

“I like him.” But he wouldn’t lie. He couldn’t. It felt too important to himself, to this new chance he had with Junsu to deny it now. And now, all he had was his gut to go on.

“Like him? As in a ‘he’s a nice person who makes you smile’ sort of way or a ‘you think he’s pretty and want to get into his pants’ sort of way?”

“Both,” Seung Hyun whispered. “I know it’s not considered right. I know if it gets out then it will do a lot of damage to all of us and I’m sorry about that. So fucking sorry. And if you don’t want to be my friend anymore, I’ll understand. I won’t stop seeing him, but I’ll understand.”

Ji Yong didn’t speak.

“I’m sorry. Man. I didn’t mean for it to go this far. Fuck, if you talked to Junsu you’ll know I almost ended it every chance I had — I’m still not entirely certain I fixed the last mess I made.”

“You mean when you needed me to hunt him down for you? What did you do?”

He shook his head. “I fucked up. Bad. Worse than I’d meant to. But if Junsu will let me, I’m going to give it another chance, a real chance this time. If this means you want me out of the band… I… ” He considered for a minute, thought about his life, BigBang, the possibility of giving it all up. “Fuck that. You’re going to have to drag me out of BigBang, and if you tried, well, I’ll go on as T.O.P and fucking crush you.”

“Dude. I think you’ve been acting for too long, so dramatic,” Jiyoung said, laughing at him. “Did you really think I was going to kick you out of the band? Can there be a BigBang without a T.O.P?” He shook his head, “I don’t think so.”

“You’re not going to ask me to not see Junsu?” He asked even though he was afraid of the answer.

“Would you listen to me if I did?”

Seung Hyun considered it as a music career like theirs wasn’t easy to come by. It took them a long time to get here, and just a whisper of this could take everything away. “No. I’m sorry. I don’t know why. I don’t know how long it will last. But I need him. Right now he makes me make sense.” He let out a calming breath. Gut instinct was not an easy way to live.

“Do I look like I come straight from the Joseon dynasty? You do you, man. What makes you think I wouldn’t understand?”

“You never said… ”

Ji Yong gave him an ‘are you fucking stupid?’ look. “What was I supposed to say? If any of you guys want to do dudes it’s okay by me?”

A startled laugh escaped from Seung Hyun. Of all the reactions he expected Ji Yong to have, this was certainly not even close to being one of them. “But BigBang… ”

“You know you can not get caught. Ever.” He shrugged. “But, get it out there that you’re friends. Best friends. Get your own little bromance going on. Public loves a good bromance. Then any reports, any skinship slippage will be more explainable. They eat that shit up. Might even help your popularity.”

The thought had never even occurred to him. “You think?”

“Totally. Look at Song Joong Ki and Kwang Soo. Or hell, go to a Super Junior concert. Those guys are basically dry humping each other on stage, and the girls go wild.”

“What about the others?” He’d always knew he was going to have to tell Ji Yong, not only because of his position as leader of the group but because they had been friends for so long.

“Well… that might be a little more tricky,” Ji Yong said. “Not all of them are as… let's say open minded as I am. And if you tell Seungri there is no way it wouldn’t get out. So maybe you keep it between you and me.”

Seung Hyun thought about it. “Thanks Ji Yong. It… you… thanks.” He felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders. He hadn’t realized just how much he’d worried about Ji Yong’s reaction worried about the band. But now it was as if it was all gone in an instant. He now felt like he could accomplish anything. That maybe this whole thing just might not, possibly, be the worst thing he’d ever done.

“Now go get your man!” Ji Yong grinned.

Seung Hyun jumped up from the couch and rushed over to the door, ready to do just that.

“…after your workout with Hwangsabu.”

With a groan, his shoulder slumped. He’d completely forgotten Ji Yong’s deal. “Come on, man, you’re not really going to make me go, are you?”

“Do you really think you’ll get out that door without doing it?”

Knowing the devil of YG as he did, Seung Hyun wouldn’t put it past him to have one of his minions posted at each of the exits to stop him from making a break for it. “I fucking hate you.”

“Do it. Then go give your man a kiss for me.”

“You keep your damn kisses away from my man.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I post fun TopSu stuff at [my tumblr](http://fanficjjigae.tumblr.com/), come join me!


	21. Note To Self

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Waiting for his own conversation with Seung Hyun, Junsu decides it's time to take his head out of the sand and let Duncan down.

Junsu managed to set aside any thoughts of Seung Hyun while he performed at the concert. Though his brain whirled and twirled with thoughts of him, of them, of whatever was going to happen that night, the entire day — from when he finally forced himself to leave Seung Hyun’s apartment this morning, to a page turner with the production team on the concert last night and what they could adjust for tonight, to a long boring meeting with his accountant, all those people got half a Junsu — but his fans? His fans who loved him and paid their hard-earned money to come see him? They deserved every drop of his attention. No weird relationship questions, no not-really-a-boyfriend trouble was going to give them any less than 100%. 

But the moment the curtain came down after his last song? Well, then it was okay for his belly to return to it’s jumbled, mushy self. Seung Hyun was coming here. Seung Hyun was going to pick him up after the concert. Like a real boyfriend. Seung Hyun was going to explain everything. And then everything would be… okay? Would it be okay? Could it be okay? 

Would he be able to make out with him again? 

_ Way to keep your eyes on the prize, Junsu. Let’s get this talk out of the way before you even consider anything like your mouth on Seung Hyun’s mouth. _ His hands on Seung Hyun’s hands. His mouth on… other parts of Seung Hyun. He blushed with a giggle and threw his hand up to hide his embarrassment to those around him, figuring they’d just think he was tired from the concert, not thinking pervy thoughts about his not-really-a-boyfriend. 

The roar of the crowd and the chants of his name snapped him out of his Seung Hyun daze and he seamlessly moved his smile from sexually frustrated man in his prime to happy, innocent, idol, Xia Junsu. Although. Although, come to think of it, his fans really did love naughty Junsu, so he allowed his real self to seep into his stage persona and strutted his way back on stage, bringing the crowd to an ear-piercing roar. Waving at the crowd, he launched into his last song, putting all of his effort, all of his desires, all of his love into his performance. When people asked him what it was like to be here, to have all of those people there, for him, to see him, to be just in the same room as him, he could never come up with the right words. It was amazing. It was life changing, and it was something he never intended to give up. 

The song came to a close, and he bowed deeply to the crowd, giving them his thanks. He would not forget them or this night. But now, he thought as he ran off the stage, he had to see a man about an explanation. 

He tried not to let his desire to leave show on his face as the team brought in important guest after important guest for him to meet and greet. Groaning to himself over the strain of having to be polite when all he wanted to do was get the hell out of there made his impatience worse. Unfortunately, as much as the crowds and the accolades were a part of his job, so was this. As irritating as it was, these were the people who would help produce his next musical, would hire him for the next CF, who would write a good or bad news report on him.

Finally, his manager herded out the last stragglers, and Junsu collapsed down into the chair, a tired, sweaty mess. 

“Junsu-shi,” came the call, after there was a light banging on his door. Duncan. Damn it. Yes, he told himself, he needed to have that conversation with Duncan, but did it have to be right now? This man had some terrible timing — or perfect timing if he was going for times best to get between him and Seung Hyun. 

The knock happened again, but before he could call out, the door opened and Duncan slipped in, clicking it shut behind him. Junsu narrowed his eyes in irritation. So, now he wasn’t even waiting to be asked in? Unfortunately, yes, it seemed like they were going to have this discussion right now. 

“Duncan, I don’t remember saying you could come in,” Junsu said, trying to keep his voice neutral. 

The dancer merely grinned and walked towards Junsu until he stood right next to him, leaning casually on his makeup table. “Junsu! Great show tonight. You were like, on fire!” 

“Thank you, Duncan. You and the team did a good job too.” 

Now that he’d decided to have the conversation, he wasn’t exactly sure how to begin. The bad part of his brain tried to convince himself he didn’t need to say anything about Duncan’s crush on him, that maybe if he just kept ignoring the situation, just kept keeping him at arm's length, treating Duncan like just another dancer, he’d get the hint and Junsu could avoid this awkward situation.

He hated feeling awkward. Awkward was the worst.  

Duncan leaned over and looked Junsu directly in the eyes, giving him a coy smile that made Junsu wince awkwardly inside. “Last night was fun. I thought maybe you’d like to go dancing with me again.” 

It’s official, hiding was officially off the table. Damn it. “I don’t think so, Duncan. It’s not a good idea.” 

“Why?” Duncan asked. “Are you afraid of getting caught?” 

“Getting caught?” Junsu asked. 

“I mean…” Duncan trailed off and then gave Junsu a pointed look with a wriggle of his eyebrow. “You know, getting caught. Like with a guy.” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Junsu said, his defense mechanisms on high alert. This situation seemed to be going from bad to worse. Junsu had visions of a scorned Duncan going to  _ Dispatch _ with a Gay Junsu tip if he didn’t handle this right. He tried not to be scared, not to consider the fact that this was the closest he’d ever gotten to being in trouble since accepting the fact that he was a gay idol. 

This is why head-in-the-sand was sometimes the best option. Blessed, blessed avoidance and his pal, dodging the question. He weighed his options. Give in? Nope. Not even a little bit of an option. Go on the offensive? Nope, offensive, unless it was Seung Hyun, wasn’t really his style. He realized the only option left for him was to tell Duncan the truth. The ugly, scary, painful truth. He stood and put a bit of distance between them. Pausing to collect his thoughts, he went to shove his hands into his pockets then realized he was still in his stage costume, so covered the movement by wiping his palms down his pants awkwardly. Oh, the awkward fairy had landed and his name was Junsu.  

“Duncan look, I am really super honored you think of me that way, and believe me, I know it’s not easy to come out and say something like that, but it’s not going to happen.”

Duncan stared at him, his face, searching for something — something he obviously didn’t see there considering the slump of his shoulders.

“Why?” Duncan said, his voice catching. “Why can’t it be me? I know I’m not Korean. I know I’m just a backup dancer but I… really like you.” 

Part of Junsu felt for the young man. He knew firsthand what it felt like to yearn for someone who was just out of reach. “I know you do, Duncan. It has nothing to do with where you’re from, and you’re not just a backup dancer, you’re an amazing dancer who, if you keep heading the way that you are, you’re going to start choreographing your own stuff soon, it’s just…” Junsu shrugged simply and came out with it as easily as he could, “I don’t like you the same way you like me.” 

“It’s T.O.P, isn’t it? He’s the one you like.” Duncan’s eyes flashed, and he grabbed Junsu’s arm imploringly, fingers clutching the fabric of the suit jacket Junsu had thrown over his costume to meet the money people. ”He’s not good for you Junsu. He doesn’t treat you good. Anybody can see it,” Duncan said, his voice stubborn.

That was part of the problem, wasn’t it? Even Junsu knew that Duncan had some valid points — points that he spent the day reminding himself of. Seung Hyun didn’t always treat him well, and yet here he was, possibly throwing himself in harm's way again, willing to give Seung Hyun another chance, willing to go running as soon as Seung Hyun crooked his finger. The last of the excited butterflies in his stomach died a slow, sad death, leaving him only with a sick sense of anxiety. Would he be on the receiving end of this same conversation tonight? Or if not tonight, then another one after that? It was something he had to seriously take into consideration. But that was then and this is now — and the two issues didn’t have any bearing on each other, Seung Hyun or no Seung Hyun, he wouldn’t be accepting Duncan. 

“This doesn’t have anything with T.O.P either. This is between you and me. No matter how much you push, it’s not going to happen. You can’t make someone love you. Not really.” Duncan dropped his head to his chest, defeated. “And you’re a good guy, you deserve someone who loves you as much as you do them.” Duncan sniffed and wiped the tears away from his eyes. 

“You won’t even consider it? I promise I would be so good to you.” 

Taking a chance, Junsu reached out his hand and clasped it to Duncan’s. “You know what? I bet you would. But I don’t love you. Do yourself a favor and save all that effort for someone who does.” 

The moments ticked away and they stood there like that. Finally, Duncan nodded and stepped away, letting go of Junsu’s arm. “Okay.” He continued to sniffle and grind the heel of his palm into his eye. “Am I fired?” he asked in a small voice. 

Junsu smiled. “Only a stupid person would fire one of their best dancers. Do you think Xia Junsu is stupid, Duncan?” 

Duncan pulled his hand away from his eyes and stood up straighter. “One of the best dancers?” 

“Of course, why else would I keep such a troublemaker on?” 

 

*********

Junsu checked his watch yet again as he stamped his feet against the cold that came from an unexpected cold snap. No, they hadn’t exactly made a plan beyond the vague, Seung Hyun would pick him up after the concert, so he couldn’t really fault him for not being here. 

No, Junsu thought. No. This wasn’t a vague plan. Seung Hyun had promised he would be there. He’d promised he’d explain everything tonight. 

He blew out a deep breath which poofed into bright white in the cold, night air. The temperature was so frigid he could feel his nostrils stick together with every inhale, every breath of air so cold it burned at his lungs. He was also pretty sure if he dared take one of his hands out of his pockets in order to touch his hair, he’d find it frozen solid. 

That of course was his own fault. He’d been so stupidly eager to meet Seung Hyun he’d bolted from his dressing room right after the quick shower he’d taken to get the performance sweat and makeup residue off his skin. If he’d known Seung Hyun was going to be this late, he’d have taken the time to dry his hair. Taken the time to put on go to the car to get his big poofy coat like Han had suggested. Worn, oh, he didn’t know, a scarf or gloves? 

A sneeze snuck up on him almost to accent his stupidity. 

Five more minutes he swore. He’d wait five more minutes before calling for his car. Of course he said that five minutes ago — and five minutes before that. But this time he meant it. Xiah Fucking Junsu did not need to wait around for some man to remember he existed he thought angrily. He didn’t need to wait around for some man to pick him back up from where left him. 

“UGH!” He yelled at the empty parking area. He’d even made a big show of sending his car through the crowd to make it appear as though he’d left to pull this secret pickup off. Sent off his staff, his car, his guard. His dignity. By now, even the most first sasaeng had gotten a clue and given up to go home. The only ones remaining were him and the random techie who marched by on their way to the staff parking lot after breaking down the set. 

Great. Was that a  _ tickle  _ at the back of his throat? Was he actually getting a for real cold? He didn’t have time for a cold. He had soccer to play. He had a hotel to build. He had songs to sing. He had people to  _ charm _ , damn it. 

He twisted around his arm so he could see his wrist without pulling his hand from where he’d shoved it as deep into his pockets as his skinny jeans would allow. Three more minutes. He meant it for real this time. Three more minutes and he was done. They were done. 

A large man, a man properly dressed for the winter weather, nudged him as he passed, carrying a large box of wires. 

“Move buddy,” he said, his voice gruff and curt.

Junsu squeaked out an apology and jumped out of the man's way, slipping on a bit of ice. He, with a wiggle and a landing that would landing him a 9.0 at the Olympics, managed to come out of the fall with most of his remaining dignity intact. 

“Junsu! I mean Junsu-shi,” the man gasped, his face breaking out into an excited smile as he tossed the box down on the ground with a thump and took a big lurching step towards him. Junsu instinctively stepped backwards, realizing once again just how foolish it was for him to be out here alone like this in a deserted parking garage in the dark, Seung Hyun or no Seung Hyun. He casually reached into his pocket and grasped his cell phone. 

“I am sorry, I didn’t know it was you,” the man apologized, taking another step closer. 

“Oh no,” Junsu said cautiously. “It was my fault, I’m sorry for getting in your way.” He gave the man a slight bow and decided the safest thing for him to do would be for him to get back into the building and call for a car. No, he thought, call for his car. With Duncan earlier, and now in this parking lot, he’d taken enough chances tonight. 

“What are you still doing here?” The man scratched at the bright red beanie on his head. A beanie which matched an equally red, oddly-shaped scarf that was so large it wrapped several times around his huge neck and the ends still dipped and hung down his frame. “I thought you and your team left?” 

“A friend is picking me up, he’s…” Junsu gulped and thought fast. “He just called. He’s going to be here in a minute.” A friend he would personally murder if he didn’t get here before he was either killed or important bits started to fall off from the cold. 

“Do you need a ride?” The man asked, eagerly. “I don’t think it’s safe for someone like you to be out here alone.” 

“You’re too kind. But my friend will be here soon.” He tried to make himself believe that. Tried to mentally call out to Seung Hyun like he could hear him and get his ass here. Of course, if he had the ability to call out to Seung Hyun he wouldn’t be in this predicament now would he? It’s not like everyone was a crazy fan looking to hurt you, but it was scary how crazy fans managed to look not so crazy sometimes. 

The man seemed doubtful. “Well. If you’re sure.” 

Junsu smiled, trying to project an aura of “I’m so sure, now please get out of here before I run away like a girl.” 

“Here,” the man said, and unwound the thick scarf from around his neck and held it out to Junsu. “At least take this, it’s too cold out for you to be dressed like that.” 

Junsu held his hand up in protest. “No, I couldn’t take that.” 

The man looked down at the scarf and ran his thumb over the yarn. “It’s not fancy like I’m sure you’re used to, but my daughter, Ha-na, made it for a school project. She’s a big fan, and if she knew I left you out here like this? She’d never speak to me again.” 

Suddenly feeling silly, Junsu accepted the scarf gratefully with a lump in his throat and wrapped it around his neck. The cheap yarn scratched at his throat, but it was one of the nicest things he’d ever received. “Thank you. Please tell Ha-na, I will treasure it always,” Junsu said solemnly. 

The man fidgeted where he stood. “Do you mind… if I get a picture? She has posters of you all over her walls… not that I approve of course. But you know young girls.” He said gruffly, but now that his fear had left him, Junsu could see the humor in the large man's eyes, and he could see just how much he cared for his daughter. 

“Of course,” Junsu said. The man pulled out a cell phone and Junsu smiled broadly, giving the V sign. Suddenly, an idea struck him, and he asked for the man’s phone. Turning the camera around he, pressed the record button. “Hello Ha-na-ssi. Thank you very much for the scarf. I hope you got an A on it! Your appa loves you very much. And I’m going to make sure the next time I have a concert, you and your friends can come backstage to visit me so I can thank you in person.” He ran his hand down the scarf. “Now study hard! Thanks for being a fan!!!!’” 

When Junsu returned the phone, the man bowed deeply. “Thank you, Junsu-shi.” 

Junsu smiled. “Go home. Be with your family.” 

With several more bows and thanks, the man finally went on his way leaving Junsu alone again in the parking lot, humming to himself in happiness, twirling the ends of his new, red scarf. He loved the randomness of his life sometimes. Despite how tired he got, how frustrated from the lack of privacy, the mind-numbingly-busy schedule, stupid snubs, and SM shit, it was nights like these, moments like now, that he was reminded how worth it it all was. 

Almost unwillingly, he glanced at his watch. Another ten minutes had passed. His shoulder slumped, some of the happiness evaporating. Figured. 

From around the corner the low purr of a very expensive engine came within earshot. Junsu froze where he stood and watched as Seung Hyun’s car zipped low and fast into the structure, coming to a stop right in front of him. Silently, the window rolled down and Seung Hyun’s disgustingly, irritatingly beautiful face came into view.

“Junsu, what are you doing out here? You’ll freeze!” Seung Hyun admonished him. Was he kidding him right now? 

“I’m stupidly waiting for some jerk to pick me up because apparently I am stupid and can never learn a lesson that’s given to me over and over again,” Junsu snapped back at him. 

“Junsu. I’m so sorry I’m late,” Seung Hyun apologized. Junsu attempted not to look at him, as that face was usually where all the trouble started. 

“You ever notice you have to apologize to me a lot?” Junsu wondered out as he studied the empty parking lot.  

“Yes, I’m aware I can’t seem to stop fucking up around you, and I promise to add it to the list of things to explain, but right now? Get in. Please. It’s cold as fuck outside.” 

“Do you think I don't know that, Choi Seung Hyun? Who is it exactly who’s been waiting almost an hour out here for you to bother to show?” Great. Just great. Now he knew he’d been waiting out here for him. Guess he didn’t even need to be looking at his face to manage to make a fool out of himself. That voice alone was enough to give him the tingles and jingles. He tossed a look over his shoulder to make sure they were alone. “Why didn’t you bother to pick up the phone? Didn’t it occur to you to call me?” he hissed towards the car window. 

“Don’t you think if I had your phone number finding you again would have been a little bit easier?”

“What? You… what?” Junsu’s mind was having a little trouble keeping up. 

“I don’t have your number anymore and you were too… ahem… sleepy this morning for me to get it from you.” Despite the cold, Junsu flushed at the memory of his exact reason for said sleepiness this morning.

“How do you not have my number?” Junsu asked, finally giving up and looking him in the eye. Keeping his gaze averted certainly wasn’t working at keeping from Seung Hyun’s spell. If he was going to go under again, he might as well have a good view. Seung Hyun certainly looked… disheveled, with his hair barely contained by a black beanie and wearing the most casual clothes Junsu had ever seen him in, a rumpled track suit. He still managed to look stupidly gorgeous. The butthole.

“Is it possible you changed your number in the last month or so?” Seung Hyun asked, jerking Junsu from his wandering thoughts.  _ You are mad at him, Junsu! Mad! Do not cave into Mr. Rumples!  _

“What? No, of course…” Except he had. “Right. I did. My phone number was hacked again, and I had to change it.” 

“Is it too soon to say I’m glad you didn’t change it because of me?” Junsu frowned at him and Seung Hyun chuckled and waved his hands up in protest. “Right. Too soon. So, if I promise to still agree I’m a terrible person would you please just get in the car? It’s late, I’m hungry, and I haven’t slept since… fuck, the day before yesterday, and you are actually blue.” 

Well, put that way, Junsu had no reason not to get in the car. “So long as you realize how terrible you are.” He opened up the door and slipped in, as Seung Hyun rolled up the window. The car was mercifully warm, and Junsu almost whimpered as his butt hit delicious seat warmers. He shoved his frozen fingers against the blasting vents of the heaters, the hot air causing his fingers to tingle. What the hell, he figured and leaned forward, resting his head on the warm dashboard in front of him. He knew he looked ridiculous, but it couldn’t be any more ridiculous than Seung Hyun knowing he’d waited over an hour outside just to see him. If he wasn’t going to have any dignity left, he might as well at least be warm. The leather was soft and toasty, and he felt like he could stay there forever. 

“I want to make out with your car right now, is that okay?” he asked while rubbing his cheek against the leather. 

Seung Hyun chuckled at him again, his voice all rumbly and delicious. Ugh. He was the worst. “Not really.”

Junsu managed to pry his face away from the dashboard. “See, I always knew you were a meanie…” He was cut off by Seung Hyun’s lips, hot and firm on his. Surprised, he let out a little ‘oh,’ and Seung Hyun used the opportunity to dip his tongue teasingly into Junsu’s mouth. Tasting and nibbling — feeling like… heaven. Junsu sighed and let himself go just for a moment, giving into Seung Hyun. Allowing himself to hesitantly meet Seung Hyun’s tongue with his own. He tasted like cigarettes and coffee. Not Junsu’s favorite, but the underlying taste of Seung Hyun was there too and that Junsu felt like he could never get enough of. 

Slowly pulling back, Seung Hyun smiled against Junsu’s lips. “Hi.”

Damning his fluttering heart, Junsu smiled back. “Hi.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I post fun TopSu stuff including bad photoshops, answer questions, and attempt prompts at [my tumblr](http://fanficjjigae.tumblr.com/), come join me!


	22. The Time Before The Other Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seung Hyun turns on the charm and the heater, but will it thaw Junsu's heart? 
> 
> HAHAHAHA! Sorry guys, I couldn't resist. Basically, Seung Hyun tries to take care of Junsu. He tries. He should get points for that, right?

Seung Hyun carefully pulled out of the parking garage and sped away. “Why were you waiting outside?”

Junsu turned and glowered at him. “I don’t think you’re in any position to be asking ME questions, mister,” he said.

“If you don’t answer my questions, you know I'll just have to make up my own answers, don’t you?” Seung Hyun said, trying not to grin in relief at the very idea that he was able to be in a car with Junsu again. Speaking to him. Teasing him. Even if their talk didn’t go his way tonight, if Junsu wanted to leave him, at least he had this last chance to be with him. Pushing his luck, he reached out and grabbed Junsu’s cold hand in his, bringing it up to his lips.

“HEY!” Junsu said, feebly trying to yank it away.

“What? I’m just trying to warm you up, see?” He blew warm air on Junsu’s fingers.

“Right,” Junsu said, the disbelief coming through loud and clear in his voice. Ignoring him, Seung Hyun carded their fingers together and placed them on his thigh, tracing patterns on the back of Junsu’s palm with his thumb absently. His skin was terribly cold, and concerned, using the controls at the wheel, Seung Hyun jacked up the heat in the car. It was all he needed for Junsu was to get sick because of him. He had enough to account for without adding to the list. Especially considering the fact that the _MADE_ tour kicked off on Friday, which meant this week was packed with preparations for the first show. If Junsu got sick, there was no way he could take the time off to take care of him like Junsu had him. That was again, of course, if Junsu decided to forgive him.

Junsu yawned deeply and Seung Hyun looked over to where Junsu had his head leaning on the headrest, his eyes heavy in obvious exhaustion. “Sleepy?”

Junsu fought back another yawn. “The heat makes me tired.”

“Do you want me to turn it down?” Seung Hyun asked, readying his finger on the button.

“Do you want to die?” Junsu asked, his eyes completely closed now, his heavy fringe of eyelashes brushing his cheeks.

“So, that’s a no, then?” Seung Hyun said with a smile. “How was the concert? Did you kill them?”

Junsu sank deeper into the chair. “Dead. Every single one of them. How was the workout?”

Seung Hyun groaned. “Which one?” His legs and arms burned with a vicious fire he knew would only get worse as the night went on. He’d held out hope to the very end that Hwangsabu was just kidding with Ji Yong about a double workout, but he was wrong, very wrong. The devil of YG had taken gleeful delight in pushing him through the paces twice in one day. By the end of it, he wasn’t certain but he thought he may have almost cried, promising never to drink again ever. A promise he looked forward to breaking again and again.

“You had more than one?”

“It’s why I’m late. Ji Yong made a bargain with the trainer, and I had to do two workouts, one I just got out of.”

“Why did G-Dragon want you to work out twice?” Junsu asked.

“Long story. I’ll tell you all about it when we get there.” He wasn’t eager to get giving any part of any story, so he figured the longer he could put it off the better. “Let’s just say I’m definitely the victim here.”

“Where are we going?” Junsu asked, his voice hesitant. “I’d rather… I’d rather not do this in the car. I don’t have great memories with you and cars.”

“What are you talking about? I remember some really…” he trailed off, remembering their last time in a car together. He looked over to Junsu who turned his head away to look out the window. He was such a royal fuck up. Part of him wished Yoochun was here so he could just punch him again and get it over with — he completely deserved it for continually messing with Junsu.

“Hey,” he murmured. “Junsu.” He squeezed Junsu’s hand until he gave in and looked back at him. “I’m sorry. Those times in the car were… incredible. You are so fucking incredible, sometimes, I, well, I don’t know why you chose me.” He let Junsu’s hand slip away from his, feeling again that part of him saying he didn’t deserve him. That Junsu would be better off if he just left for good this time after tonight.

“I’m taking you to my house. I have food there. I thought we could eat, talk, and maybe sleep? I could sleep for a god-damned year.”

The only response from Junsu was a shoulder shrug, but he didn’t say no, so Seung Hyun was going to take that as a good sign.

 

*********

Herding a still quiet Junsu into his house, Seung Hyun waited for Junsu to slip his shoes off in the shoe-cluttered entryway. Luckily, the heat of the car seemed to have done the trick and Junsu’s lips were no longer blue, and the bone-deep shivering was down to an occasional shudder.

“Where is your coat?” he asked, as he grabbed the sweater he’d left hanging in the closet and handed it to Junsu. Giving him a slight smile as thanks, Junsu slipped the fuzzy, black sweater over his head. Seung Hyun tried not to look at the small bit of pale, toned skin revealed by his movements when really, he wanted to reach out and stroke his fingers along the expanse. To feel the velvety soft skin under his hand again.

The stomach rumbled loudly between them. Junsu’s eyes widened comically as he jerked the sweater down and crossed his arms tight over his stomach, his cheeks tinged slightly pink with embarrassment. Unable to resist such cuteness, Seung Hyun raised his eyebrow. “Hungry?”

“So much,” he breathed out with a laugh and Seung Hyun was thankful for the interruption if it brought the smile back to Junsu’s face. “There was a stupid mix-up with catering and the food didn’t arrive on time before the concert. And after, well, you know how crazy it is backstage after a concert.”

“You didn’t eat before performing?” Seung Hyun said, concerned. He wouldn’t be able to get through a concert without some fuel in his system, and there Junsu was, dancing his ass off on stage.

“Han went out and got me a couple of protein bars, but those were pretty gross.” Junsu’s stomach rumbled again like something was in there trying to get out, and his cheeks got pinker. “And now I’m going to die of embarrassment. Is it just my imagination or do I smell food? Like real food? Please tell me it’s not some hallucination because it might make me cry. Like for real cry. It will get ugly.”

“No hallucination. I had my manager buy some food for us. He said he left some jjigae on the stove.”

“Jjigae?” Junsu’s voice was filled with an awed wonder like a simple stew was the answer to all life’s questions.

Seung Hyun sniffed at the air, which was filled with the warm, spicy scent of his favorite stew from that hole-in-the-wall restaurant Junsu had taken him to that night he’d kissed him in the snow. During their time apart, he’d never gone back there himself, as he was too afraid of accidentally bumping into Junsu, but on some nights, when he wanted to remember, or punish himself with the memories, he’d have his manager go in and get him an order of the ox bone stew.

“Come on,” he said, leading Junsu into the kitchen. “Let’s get something in that stomach before whatever is in there comes out and eats me.” He sat the awkward but eager Junsu at the bar stool and turned to the counter where the jjigae simmered and the rice maker steamed with fresh rice. His own mouth began to water at the thought of eating as, with two workouts, it had been a long fucking day for him too. Had he even eaten lunch? With back-to-back production meetings, he wasn’t entirely certain he had. Was that kimbap roll brought in by the PA today or was that yesterday?

Pulling out a mat, he turned off the burner and set the stew on the island in front of Junsu, who leaned over and breathed in the delicious steam that rose from the pot, his eyes closed, with such an expression of — Seung Hyun would have to say — lust on his face. His lips parted and his tongue darted out, licking his full lips in preparation. Seung Hyun’s breath caught in his throat and heat began to pool in his belly. Just how does a person like this exist, he wondered. Was he made just to torture him? A little moan escaped Junsu’s lips, and Seung Hyun dropped the bowls onto the counter with a clatter. Jjigae spell broken, Junsu glanced up at him embarrassed. “What? I’m hungry!”

Seung Hyun cleared his throat and spun away, trying to clear his spinning thoughts as he piled rice into a bowl. Without looking at him, he placed the bowl in front of Junsu and ladled him out some stew, picking through the pot and choosing him some of the biggest ox bones. “Eat.” He ordered before turning towards the refrigerator to gather some of the banchan his mother had left the other day. His arms full, he piled them on the counter and pulled open all of the lids and stacked them in front of Junsu as well.

Finally coming to a stop, he noticed that Junsu hadn’t made a move. “Why aren’t you eating?” he said, gesturing at the untouched bowls of stew and rice in front of him.

“I’m waiting for you,” he said simply.

With a deep breath, Seung Hyun perched down on the stool across from Junsu and ladled himself out a portion of the fragrant stew, his own stomach now growling back of him. Raising his spoon he pointed at Junsu. “Eat.”

Happily nodding, Junsu picked up his own spoon and began to hungrily down the food with big, gulping bites. After a moment, Seung Hyun began to eat, closing his eyes as the first bite hit his tongue. It was just as good as he remembered. Those times he ordered. The times he’d cave and send his manager out after the food he remembered, he’d never been able to eat it. Like eating it without Junsu would have just been one more betrayal, one more thing he’d have to apologize for. Crazy, he knew. But looking back, there had been so few links between them, it was oddly the one tangible thing he had. So on the bad days, the really bad days, he’d sit there looking at the stew, remembering Junsu, until he couldn’t stand it anymore and turned away. His manager would come in later and ask, exasperated, why he insisted on him buying it for him if he was always going to just let it go to waste.

Stars. They were so difficult.

“You really had your manager go out for this?” Junsu said, around a mouth full of rice. “I thought he was the one who wore the pants in your relationship.”

“Hey! It was never that bad,” Seung Hyun said.

Junsu shot him a look. “Pretty sure I remember differently, buddy.”

Seung Hyun was reminded of that time that seemed so long ago when Junsu had taken care of him when he got sick. Who knew that was going to be one of his best memories? “Eh. I was so stressed out back then, it kind of spread to everyone around me,” he admitted. “Now that the album is done everything’s kind of back to normal.”

“Back to normal?” Junsu said, looking quickly back down at his bowl, weaving patterns into the thick liquid with the tip of his spoon. He looked adorable all scrunched up on the stool, swimming in Seung Hyun’s sweater that was at least three times too large.

“Well, as normal as a super, mega, top star can be right before going on tour,” Seung Hyun teased.

“So you have your first concert on Friday?” Junsu asked.

“Are you coming?”

“Do you want me to?” His voice was hesitant, and he no longer even pretended to eat, laying the spoon down in front of him. “I didn’t buy a ticket because… well, because.”

“Because I’m an asshole?” Seung Hyun teased trying to make him laugh, or smile, or, anything that would get that look off his face.

“Because seeing you like that would have hurt too much,” Junsu said, finally looking Seung Hyun in the face, the pain and uncertainty plainly written there. Seung Hyun felt it like a kick to his stomach.

“I’d like you to be there,” Seung Hyun said. “Right now the thing is such a mess, it’s going to take a lot of work to get everything in place, so it might not even be very good, but I want you to come.” He tried a smile. “It’s only fair. I went to see Xia Junsu in concert. Now you should be there to see T.O.P perform.”

“Really?” Junsu said, his voice hesitantly eager, his eyes warily searching Seung Hyun’s. “But what if someone, I don’t know, sees me there?”

Seung Hyun shrugged. “You’re telling me in all this time you haven’t been to a BigBang concert? Didn’t you say you were like, the biggest fan? The ultimate VIP?”

“It’s different now. If we. You know. It’s different.”

“Do you want to go?” Seung Hyun asked, point blank, tired of beating around the bush for once. Wanting to give Junsu… and himself, this at least. “I want you to be there. If you don’t want to come, just tell me.”

“All the tickets are sold.”

Seung Hyun raised his eyebrow at him. “All the tickets were sold out to your concert and I was still there. You’re a top star. A top star with a pretty good in with the group. If you want to go, you’ll have the best fucking seat in the whole fucking place.”

“The best fucking seat in the whole fucking place, huh?” Junsu said, a tiny little smile coming to his lips.

“The best fucking seat, Junsu.”

Staring at him for a moment that felt like it lasted for years, Seung Hyun waited for an answer. He wasn’t sure why he was pushing so hard. It was almost as if this was the first step, okay, the second if you counted what happened on the couch last night (and Seung Hyun most certainly did), to Junsu beginning to forgive him and allowing him back into his life. He just needed a little signal that everything was going to be okay. That there was a chance that Junsu might give just a little and let him back in.

Though his eyes were still doubtful, Junsu gave him a slight nod. “Okay. If you want me to be there, I’ll go.”

It wasn’t much but it was enough for this moment.

“But it had better be the best fucking seat or I’m leaving.”

Seung Hyun grinned. “Deal. Now eat. You’re not getting up from this table until that bowl is empty.”

“You gave me too much!” he protested. “I think you gave me most of the ox-bones. And I know you gave me all of the rice.” he pushed the bowl towards  Seung Hyun. “Here. Eat some rice.”

Seung Hyun pushed the bowl back towards Junsu. “I don’t need rice. You need rice.”

Giving him a tiny little smile, Junsu pushed the rice back at him. “You have a concert in four days. You need the rice.”

“I have a concert in four days, I do not need the rice.”

“Seung Hyun, you’re skin and bones. You did two workouts today. Eat the rice. Be fat and happy.”

Seung Hyun looked at the fluffy pile of rice. Thought about putting it into his mouth and it turning right into sugar that would hold tight onto his body. Thought about Hwangsabu poking at the soft flesh of his middle. Thought about being on that stage in front of all of those people looking at him. About the beautiful and perfect Junsu looking at him. Bile rose in his throat and his lungs refused to work.

Without thinking, he picked up the rice and tossed it, bowl and all, into the garbage.

Junsu jumped up, the stool clattering behind him. “Seung Hyun, what the hell?”

“I’m not eating the rice,” he said stubbornly.

Carefully, Junsu skirted the edge of the counter and came to stand in front of Seung Hyun. “Seung Hyun-ah.” As if he were approaching a skittish horse, Junsu slowly raised his hands and clasped Seung Hyun’s face between them. “Breathe, Seung Hyun-ah, breathe.”

He tried. He tried to listen to Junsu, tried to get his lungs to start up again, for good measure tried to get his heart to stop pounding in his chest. But Junsu standing there, Junsu looking at him, studying him. Seeing every flaw, probably sensing his apparently burgeoning middle pressed up against him. It was too much and, his stomach churning, he pushed Junsu away and bolted for the other room, leaving a shocked and troubled Junsu behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I post fun TopSu stuff including bad photoshops, answer questions, and attempt prompts at [my tumblr](http://fanficjjigae.tumblr.com/), come join me! (This week's Share Saturday is a snippet from a future chapter that you might want to see if you need a little pick me up. :) )


	23. Things That Need To Be Said

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The time has come for Seung Hyun to put his cards, or his fears, on the table.

Frozen where he was, Junsu could only gape after Seung Hyun after he… well, there was no other word for it, he fled to the bedroom, slamming the door shut behind him. What. Just. Happened?

They were there, sitting in the kitchen, just like two seconds ago. Laughing. Talking. Pretending they both weren’t ignoring the Gangnam-sized elephant looming over them. Then that chillingly familiar look of Seung Hyun’s washed over his face. The same look where his usually pale skin flushed pink before slowly fading to gray. The look which was usually followed by him then brushing Junsu off and running away.

He runs away.

He _ran_ away.

Junsu’s chest constricted like he was caught in an undertow, clenching tight on his lungs, his heart. Was it him? Had he done something? Was it all, whatever it was, starting again? God. Junsu wasn’t sure he could put himself through all this again. Not and still be able to look at himself in the mirror with any self-respect.

Should he leave? Do some of his own running away before Seung Hyun remembered he’d been left out here and came out to chase him away like some sort of unwanted house creature? Run away and attempt to forget that these two days ever happened?

 _Fudge that_ , he thought. He was Xia Junsu. And it was time he started remembering — and acting like it. He wasn’t going to just stand around waiting for anyone. He was due an explanation, and he was going to get it. Firming his resolve, he attempted to tamp down the nervous fluttery butterflies having their way with his stomach.

Xia Junsu.

Xia _Junsu_.

_Xia Junsu._

Courage temporarily in place, he marched towards the bedroom and the looming, closed door. Should he knock? Call out? Just burst in? He couldn’t remember if he’d heard the click of the lock when Seung Hyun had stormed in, but that probably would have been filtered out by the echoing slam of the door.

Making the decision that knocking was just another delay tactic — not to mention the fact what would he do if Seung Hyun actually told him to go away? Or didn’t answer? How awkward would that be? No, Junsu decided. When it was time to be done — it was time to be done.

He grabbed the door handle and shoved it open with a little more force than he’d originally meant, and it flew out of his hand and slammed against the wall with a thud. He winced. Well. At least Seung Hyun would know he meant business then, right? Slipping into the darkened room, Junsu looked around for Seung Hyun. The room was empty, looking just as he’d left it this morning. Bed neatly made, the bathrobe he’d carefully folded at the end of the bed left almost as a marker, a flag proclaiming Junsu was here.

Unlike Seung Hyun, who definitely was not here.

Junsu half expected to see a Seung Hyun-shaped hole in the wall where he’d made his escape.   _Pull yourself together, Junsu,_ he admonished himself. Confrontation with literal heartbreaker — _then_ flights of fancy.

Scanning the room, Junsu noticed there was a light shining through the crack beneath the bathroom door. Crack investigator Junsu solves another case! Edging his way over, Junsu took another deep breath before reaching out and grabbing the knob with a hand that shook a little more than he wanted it to and eased the door open silently.

It was there that he found Seung Hyun, standing in front of the sink, just staring at himself in the tiny mirror. Junsu was about to launch into the spiel he’d half rehearsed in his head but stopped when he noticed the expression on Seung Hyun’s face in the reflection of the mirror. His skin was still a sickly gray color, but his eyes, his usually teasing and mocking eyes, eyes that could usually, with just a look in his direction, send shivers down to his toes, were so sad. Sad and bleak, like the world was folding in on him. He watched as Seung Hyun’s chest heaved beneath the tracksuit as if every breath was dragged out of him. It was like a punch straight to Junsu’s heart.

All thoughts of his rant, his anger, his own pain flew out of his head as he inched closer, silently, until he stood right behind Seung Hyun. Unable to resist, to stay away, not when the man he loved was in pain. The urge to help, to comfort, to fix swelled within him, but how could he when he didn’t even know what was so wrong? When Seung Hyun wouldn’t let him in? So, without a guide, he went with his heart — leaning forward until his forehead rested on the cold, clammy skin on the back of Seung Hyun’s neck. This was what always made him feel better when he was sad or upset, the touch of someone he loved, knowing he wasn’t alone, knowing that there was someone close by who cared for him. And through everything, despite the risk to his own well-being, he still wanted, needed to be that person for Seung Hyun.

Seung Hyun stiffened, and for a moment Junsu was afraid he’d be sent away.

 _Good luck with that,_ he thought. Reaching out, he slid his arms around Seung Hyun’s middle, wrapping himself around him, trying to be the charcoal to sop up whatever it was that was poisoning him. The beat of Seung Hyun’s heart thumped so hard and fast that to Junsu it felt like it could have been his own. Turning his head, he rubbed his cheek along the soft warm fabric of the tracksuit Seung Hyun still wore, feeling the tautly muscled skin beneath, feeling the slight shake reverberating through him. Finally, Seung Hyun moved, hesitantly moving his hands until they clasped Junsu’s arms. It was a small thing, tiny really, but for Junsu, it was the sign he needed that he wasn’t going to be shoved away again, and he let out the breath he’d been holding and pressed himself fully along the long length of Seung Hyun’s back.

“Why do you like me, Junsu?” Seung Hyun whispered the question.

“What?” he asked surprised.

“I know. You loved T.O.P, but underneath… I’m not him. Why do you like me?” His voice, usually so dark and sexy it tickled Junsu’s ears and nibbled at his insides, was hollow and searching.

Junsu tightened his arms around Seung Hyun, trying to get closer, trying to get through this seemly massive distance between them.

Junsu thought about the question, a familiar one to him as he’d wondered the same thing a lot in the time they were apart. More of an angry, “why did it have to be him sort of way”, but the same idea. He considered the question carefully, realizing deep inside that this was one of those fork in the road moments, and he wanted to have the right answer, the one that would make everything okay — but more importantly, Seung Hyun needed the honest answer so they both could see if this was what they really wanted. If this, them, was worth fighting for.

“True. I love T.O.P. I have for almost forever. T.O.P got me through some bad times. I couldn’t perform on TV? The media slighted us again? SM drags us into court for the millionth time? My schedule was so much I didn't think I’d make it another second? There was T.O.P, deliciously rumbling in my heart, doing all sorts of naughty to my system, telling me to fuck them, and it would make me feel better.” He rubbed his cheek along the hard edge of Seung Hyun’s shoulder blade. He thought about those days and nights, alone in the dark listening to the sound of T.O.P’s voice. Sometimes he’d just have a single song on repeat that he’d play again and again until he finally fell asleep. “I will always love T.O.P for that.”

Seung Hyun let out a shuddering breath. “I’m not T.O.P. Underneath? I’m not.”

“You are! You are in the same way that I’m Xia Junsu. These people we create are not all of us, but that doesn't mean we aren’t them. Maybe agencies create us.” He shrugged, his shoulder running along Seung Hyun’s like a caress. “But they’re building something that was already in us — before they accepted us.”

“Maybe for you,” Seung Hyun said. “YG didn’t want me first. Told the fatty to get the fuck out.” His voice was flat and angry. “Do you have any idea what it was like that first meeting with YG? They wanted another rapper for the group so Ji Yong talked me up. ‘You have to hear this guy from home.’ When I got the call that YG actually heard my stuff and wanted to meet me? I felt like hot shit walking in there.” He laughed, but the sound was wrong. It was hard and bitter. Junsu tried to hold back a shudder, instead beginning to draw lazy circles around the back of Seung Hyun’s hand with his finger tip.

“The looks on their faces when they saw me fucking lumbering through their door. You could almost hear the ‘this guy thinks he could be a rapper?’ They kicked me out. Told me to maybe come back if I could lose a few pounds.”

“Oh Seung Hyun-ah,” Junsu said, tears falling down his cheeks at the thought of Seung Hyun having to go through that. Of any kid having to face that.

It wasn’t like he didn’t know this. As a fan, it was all part of the lore of BigBang. Seung Hyun gets rejected, goes back home, loses a massive amount of weight in a scary short time and returns victorious. He wins all the kittens! But before he knew Seung Hyun, was just a story, he’d never really dug deeper than that, considering the acts or the feelings behind them. The scars it must have left. Junsu’s heart bled for that kid, and it cried for the man the kid had become.  

“I was so fucking humiliated. I shamed myself. I shamed Ji Yong. He put his fucking neck out for me in that meeting. But you know the real fucked up thing? They were right. I knew it. They knew I knew it. What made me think I could be a rapper?”

Needing to be even closer, wanting to remind Seung Hyun that this was here and that this was now, Junsu shifted, placing a soft line of kisses down the length of Seung Hyun’s neck from the line of his hairline to the finish where shirt met skin.

“You did. You’re here, aren’t you?” he whispered against Seung Hyun’s skin before starting the trek back up his long slender neck. “Almost no one makes it to where we are. You did. That means you weren’t worthless. That means you were meant to be here.” Against his lips, he could feel Seung Hyun shake his head.

“You don’t get it. You’re beautiful. Fucking flawless. I don’t know why you’re with me. Why you want to be with me. I keep waiting for that moment when you realize it.”

“Remind me to tell Yoochun you are under the impression I’m perfect. He will get a nice laugh out of it.” Junsu couldn’t help but chuckle.

“When I think of you looking at me… seeing me… I can’t do it. You deserve…”

Finally, Junsu put together all the dots. All the little clues had been there, right in front of him to see. Gah! He was such an idiot sometimes. He was a T.O.P fan, he knew this stuff. Why hadn’t it even occurred to him? He should have seen it.

Of course, that didn’t mean he was the only moron in this relationship.

He pulled back and whacked Seung Hyun in the shoulder. “Are you freaking kidding me? This is why you’ve been pushing me away?” At last Seung Hyun turned away from the mirror and looked straight at him, his eyes angry. Junsu didn’t mind the anger, anything was better than the lost look that he had sunk into, a look that seemed as though there was no hope in the space he occupied.

“It’s not nothing Junsu,” he said sharply. “I try. God. Since almost the fucking beginning, before I even acknowledged what it was, I wanted to be with you. But I’m me and you’re all… fucking you, with your perfect lips and you’re…” he waved his hand around Junsu’s form. “Fucking you and when we get to a certain point and I remember I’m me, what you’ll see if you take off my clothes, I can see the…” he choked off, his chest starting to heave again, “and I just freeze. I can see your face. I can see the look you’ll give me and I…”

“Breathe, Seung Hyun, I need you to breathe.” Junsu stepped closer, placing his hands on either side of Seung Hyun’s face until he was able to look into Seung Hyun’s wild and glassy eyes. Eyes that didn’t see him but instead saw through him to some hurtful and fictitious reality.

“What happened to you was terrible. That’s the another reason why there are so few of us here at the top. It spits us out. But you are strong.” He stretched up and laid a kiss on the tip of Seung Hyun’s chin. “Breathe.” He waited for Seung Hyun to drag in another breath. “And you’re smart.” This time, he tugged down Seung Hyun’s face so he could press his lips to Seung Hyun’s forehead. “Breathe for me.” He pulled back and looked him in the eye, trying to make Seung Hyun know he spoke the truth.

“And you’re beautiful. On the inside and the outside.” Seung Hyun tried to shake his head, still not listening. Not believing. But Junsu held him strong, not allowing him to disagree. Not letting him run away. He leaned up and kissed the clench of Seung Hyun’s jaw. “And whatever is going on in your head is untrue.” Seung Hyun’s breath caught again in his throat, and Junsu was ready for him. “Breathe, baby, breathe.” He waited for the wild-eyed Seung Hyun to allow more air into his chest. “And you know how I know it’s untrue? Because that’s not me. That’s not us. I would never, ever, ever, ever do that to you.”

“But you don’t…”

Junsu shook his head. “You’re right. I don’t know what’s going on in your head. If I did, it probably would have made these last few months a little easier. But I know me, and I know what I feel for you — and that me? The real me? Would never do that to you. Do you think I like you because you’re skinny? Do you think I hang around you because you’re sex on a stick?” He paused and couldn't help but snicker. “Okay. That one is true. You are so sexy, sometimes it’s hard to look at you without thinking about you being with me… about you being _in_ me.” Seung Hyun shuddered at the words, finally some of the panic slipping away from his face.

“Do you want to know my secret, Seung Hyun?” Junsu asked. He waited until Seung Hyun hesitantly nodded. “It wasn’t T.O.P I first fell for.”

Seung Hyun raised his eyebrow, and Junsu could have kissed that little flicker of his Seung Hyun coming back to him. He figured, why not? So leaning up on his toes, he kissed one of his favorite features, the eyebrow of incredulity and sexiness.

“Since you obviously forgot, which, I won’t lie, is kind of a ding to my ego, I’ll remind you that the time in the theater? Wasn’t the first time we met.”

Oh yeah, Junsu thought he’d made his peace with Seung Hyun’s stupid memory, but nope, there it was, still irritating. With a sigh, he gave in. “A long time ago, when you were first starting out, we, well our bands, had a photo shoot together.”

“What are you talking about?” Pulling backward, the disbelief was plain on Seung Hyun’s face.   “There is no fucking way I would forget meeting you,” Seung Hyun said.

“And yet, here we are. We did. For the most part, you sat in the corner for most of it, madly scribbling in a notebook, barely paying attention to the rest of us. First I thought you were crazy rude, but when I asked Ji Yong what you were doing, he said you were composing. Even though at that point you had all your music handed to you, you wrote your own music because you had to.” He paused, remembering that moment. Remembering seeing someone who was as obsessed with creating music as he was. When he looked at Seung Hyun, he could almost see the music floating around him like it was a physical thing. It was at that moment he knew he was in trouble. Or maybe it was the next moment when Seung Hyun had finally looked up from his pages in time to catch Junsu staring and flicked him the first ever raised eyebrow of charm and sex. Whatever the moment was, Junsu never stood a chance.

“Even then,” he said. “Even then, you were larger than you are right now, and I still liked you.” He studied Seung Hyun’s face as it stared blankly down at him. “Still nothing? One of the most influential moments of my life and not even a blip on the radar of life for you?” Ugh. Yep. It still stung.

“Sorry,” Seung Hyun said, at least having the grace to shoot him a sheepish look. “I was working so hard back then to prove myself, to show them they hadn’t made a mistake with me, well, it’s kind of a blur.”

Junsu nodded. He understood. Well. Now he understood. It didn’t make it suck any less, but at least he knew. At least now he knew a lot of things.

“So, that’s all of it?” Junsu asked.

Seung Hyun shoved his fingers through his hair, exasperated. “It’s not nothing, Junsu. Yes, I know it seems fucking stupid when you stay it out loud. I know I’m not the same person I was back then. But I can’t stop it. What if I can’t get past it? What if I can’t get over it and we can never…”

“Then we deal. Do you really think I’m in this for all the imaginary sex we’re _NOT_ having?” Junsu rolled his eyes.

“You deserve to be…”

“I deserve to be with you,” Junsu said plainly. “I want to be with you. But I need you to want to be with me enough to want to work on this.”

Seung Hyun studied him. Searching for what, Junsu didn’t know, but he hoped he found it there because this was it for him. This moment, this man. He knew it even more than he had ever known he was meant to be Xia Junsu.

Slowly Seung Hyun nodded. “I want to try. With you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gah! This one was a hard one to write! Took me forever to try and get right. Hope it was worth the wait. 
> 
> I post fun TopSu stuff including bad photoshops, answer questions, and attempt prompts at [my tumblr](http://fanficjjigae.tumblr.com/), come join me!


	24. We Both Go Easy On Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now that Seung Hyun's secret is out, the guys can finally make a real attempt at a relationship.

Junsu breathed a giddy sigh of relief. He tried to hide the tiny tremors that shook him. All that time, he’d wished with all his heart, every birthday wish, every shooting star, every solo Christmas eve watching all the grossly happy and smug couples around him. He wanted this, someone to call his own. Someone to snuggle with, someone to eat with, someone to co-parent his cats.

It just never occurred to him that once you found that person, once they found you — that was when the real hard stuff happened.

He slipped his arms around Seung Hyun and clutched him tightly, not wanting to let go. Not quite believing that this was real, that maybe, this time, he could make this work. Screwing his eyes tightly closed, he nuzzled himself into the warmth of Seung Hyun’s neck, delighting in the fast solid beat of Seung Hyun’s heart thumping against his forehead.

He would make this work, he swore.

“Hug me back,” he said into Seung Hyun’s neck, his lips rubbing along his skin. “You said it. No take back-sies.”

“Junsu…” Seung Hyun said, his voice still hesitant.

“No,” Junsu said, holding him tighter. He would have stomped his foot if his knee hadn’t managed to slip itself between Seung Hyun’s. (Hmm… he wondered how that happened.) And it was probably best not to knee his new boyfriend. (Yeah, he could officially call him that now right? Boyfriend? Man friends? Lovers?) He giggled with a blush. Best not to knee his new previously lost lover in the man parts.

“What?” Seung Hyun asked, leaning his head gently onto Junsu’s.

Junsu decided it was probably also best to keep some things to himself. “Can we go eat? I’m so hungry I might die.”

Slowly, inch by inch, Junsu could feel Seung Hyun’s arms go around him, and Junsu was fairly certain revealed secrets/fixed misunderstandings/new relationship hugs were probably the best things on earth.

“That hungry?” Seung Hyun mumbled slowly rubbing his face along the side of Junsu’s hair. His voice was rough and rumbly, almost back to its usual self, but there it was, he could hear it now, the little bit of unsure. Had that always been there? Had he never heard it before? Paid closer attention?

He’d do better this time, he swore. He’d do better this time and would do his best to take care of both his and Seung Hyun’s hearts.

“I. Will. Die,” Junsu teased.

Lie. Big lie. Though he had been hungry, the look on Seung Hyun’s face had wiped any thought of food away. But considering Seung Hyun had yet to put a single bite of food away and with two workouts plus one emotional freak out taxing his day? Sapping at his bones? His… manfriend… needed to refuel before they did anything.

Yes, great potential life partner Junsu was on the case. Seung Hyun might not know it, but he badly needed someone to take care of him, and Junsu was volunteering himself as tribute.

Regretting every inch, Junsu pulled back, smiling victoriously when Seung Hyun pulled his arms tighter, in an effort to keep him close. Glancing up, Junsu almost tossed aside the whole plan when he saw the vulnerability still marking Seung Hyun’s face. No, he told himself. Feed him first. Emotional cuddles later.

 

*********

 

Seung Hyun sighed when Junsu gave one of this little dancer wiggles and somehow managed to escape his arms. Arms which suddenly needed nothing more than to hold Junsu close. He still couldn’t believe Junsu was just… fine with everything. Still wanted to be with him despite knowing everything. Acted as if it didn’t even matter. He was reminded of his talk with Ji Yong earlier in the day.

Junsu latched onto Seung Hyun’s wrist and began towing him out of the bathroom, through the bedroom, bypassing the living room, until they were back in the kitchen where they had started. The dishes and food laid out in front of them.

“Feed me, Seymore, feed me,” Junsu said in a low scratchy voice as he flopped down onto the barstool.

“What?” Still feeling a little shaky from before, and unsure what to do now, Seung Hyun shuffled back to stand on the other side of the counter.

Junsu shot him one of those ‘are you kidding me’ looks. “I know it’s American, but who doesn't know Little Shop of Horrors? It's only one of the best musicals ever. You know, except for all the ones I was in.”

Deciding to place his focus on Junsu, which had the added benefit of being a face full of Junsu and not looking at the food in front of them, which, despite their conversation, he wasn’t sure he was quite ready to face yet, he shook his head. “I don’t like musicals,” he said, distracted, studying the particularly bright shade of green Junsu’s stylist had decided to stick him with this time. He was surprised that, with as many colors as Junsu continually swapped through, his hair was still as soft as it was, remembering the feel of it against his cheek.

“You what?” Junsu gasped, putting an offended hand on his chest. “How can you not like musicals? Musicals are like medicine for your soul.”

Seung Hyun shook his head. “Nope.”

He watched as Junsu picked up the chopsticks and plucked some of his mom’s seasoned bean sprouts out of the plastic container and popped them in his mouth in apparent happiness. Now Seung Hyun didn’t have to try and focus elsewhere. How had he managed to forget just how fascinating Junsu was? How his internal happiness managed to expand and pulse until it up the whole room?

“Does that mean you won’t come see me perform then? That's not very… friendly of you.”

Studying Junsu, as Junsu studied the open containers and thumped the metal chopsticks against his lip as he apparently made the very serious decision of what to try next, Seung Hyun couldn’t help but smile. After a few moments, Junsu picked at a seasoned cucumber and popped it into his mouth, crunching hard enough for Seung Hyun to hear, then giggled at himself.

“I’ll go see you in anything you do,” Seung Hyun blurted out and meant it. He might find musicals the entertainment equivalent of nails on a chalkboard, but it didn’t matter. If Junsu was there, so was he.

“Awww… you are too cute,” Junsu said before thumping the empty bar stool next to him. “What are you doing so far away?” He thrust out his full bottom lip, aegyo fairy Junsu back in full force.

“What?” Seung Hyun asked, fairly certain his brain was no longer processing anything — destroyed by sweat, emotional overload, sexual frustration, and Junsu.

Junsu thumped the stool next to him again. “You’re too far away. Just because I want to eat doesn't mean I’m done cuddling. We have months to make up for. So get over here and cuddle me, damn it.”

“Huh?” Damn, it was settled, Junsu had officially burned out all his circuit boards.

Junsu snickered and, reaching over, put two fingers on Seung Hyun’s side of the counter. “Come…” He marched his two fingers along the edge of the counter around the corner, past the banchan, until they came to rest in front of the empty stool next to Junsu. “Here.”

Unable to resist, Seung Hyun followed the path of Junsu’s fingers and perched awkwardly on the stool. As soon as his butt met artfully tooled leather, Junsu edged his closer then twisted until he could wedge his legs over Seung Hyun’s and snuggled closer. His space now filled with a warm Junsu, Seung Hyun had to admit, this was a pretty good idea. He looped his arm low along Junsu’s back, casually tucking his thumb into the waistband of Junsu’s pants. He wasn’t sure if it was finally being with Junsu again, or being with Junsu with nothing more hanging between them, but he could feel the tension of the day, of the last few months, draining from him — just washing away.

Lifting his head, Junsu gave him a soft nuzzle with his nose, sighing contentedly, his breath warm and moist on Seung Hyun’s skin, before he turned his attention back to the bowls in front of them, studying the content as if he weren’t almost sitting on Seung Hyun’s lap, as if this were all the most normal thing in the world.

Suddenly, the chopsticks darted out, glinting in the light, and snatched up a piece of breaded zucchini. Seung Hyun watched, allowing himself to be fascinated by Junsu, expecting him to plop it into his mouth, but was surprised when halfway there, the chopsticks took a sharp turn until the chunk of vegetable was waved under his own mouth.

“Eat it,” Junsu shifted back until he could peer up at Seung Hyun.

Seung Hyun looked at the battered, fried vegetable. His mouth watered but the pit of his stomach began to churn again. He put what he hoped was a fair facsimile to a smile onto his face. “You eat it.” He said. “I don’t like zucchini.”

The laughter sliding off his face, Junsu leaned forward and kissed his cheek. “You’re telling me your mother is going to come all the way here and bring you food you don’t like?”

“Well, you know moms, always wanting to get kids to eat their vegetables,” he said, trying to get Junsu to smile.

“A mom trying to get their kid to eat a vegetable is not going to bring one battered and fried. Eat it, Seung Hyun.”

He was right, Seung Hyun knew. His mom brought all his favorite foods as she, unlike everyone else out there, thought he was too skinny, chiding him for not eating whenever they spoke on the phone. It wasn’t like he had a problem with food. He liked food. He ate well. It’s just sometimes… things crept up on him.

“How about we do this?” Junsu said, “You eat this, you get a reward.” With a grin that was all cheek and sparkling eye, Junsu placed one end of the zucchini into his mouth and lifted his face up to Seung Hyun’s. Laughter warred with a tiny spark of desire that curled in his belly. When Junsu wriggled his own eyebrows playfully at him, Seung Hyun caved and reached down, nibbling the end, getting closer and closer, until with a swallow, he reached Junsu’s lips and nibbled there too.

Too quickly, Junsu pulled back. “Yummy, right?”

A little more dazed than he’d like to admit to anyone, ever, Seung Hyun nodded and swallowed again. He leaned back in to capture Junsu’s lips again but was surprised when Junsu ducked his head away with a laugh. “Dinner first, then dessert.”

“Come on Junsu…” he teased, stroking the thumb he had tucked into the pants at Junsu’s hip along the smooth soft skin, remembering he had his own charm to weld. “You know you want to. You know you want me.”

The smile on Junsu’s face froze, and Seung Hyun watched, pleased, as he swallowed hard. “Eat, Seung Hyun-ah. You had a long day, and since you kick off your concerts in just a couple of days, it’s going to be an even longer week. You need to be healthy.”

“I don’t have a problem with food, Junsu. I eat. I eat plenty. It’s just sometimes…”

“Sometimes you get caught inside that head of yours, I know that now,” Junsu said, grabbing hold of Seung Hyun’s hand and threading their fingers together. “But you’re also going to have to know that I’m going to take care of you now. It’s kind of what I do. And if that means making sure you eat properly, then that’s what’s going to happen.”

Seung Hyun was warmed by Junsu’s words, by the sentiment. He could take care of himself, as he was an adult who had managed this long, but the idea someone wanted to watch out for him? That someone cared outside of his rap or what he looked like? That was a feeling that was like a balm to his irritated nerves, a feeling he didn’t want to forget.

With a sigh, he reached across the counter and grabbed the extra pair of chopsticks there. Snatching up a piece of the marinated beef, he popped it in his mouth, chewing the perfectly seasoned bite with determination. Junsu leaned up and kissed the slight poof of his cheek. “Good boy.”

 

***********

 

Seung Hyun warily eyed the white porcelain. “You know, I’ve never used this before, Junsu.”

Junsu looked up at him wide-eyed. “Never? How can you resist? If it were me, I’d do it every, single day.”

“I guess some ahjussi with a bad hip lived here before me and put it in. Not really my style.”

“Come on, it will be fun.” Junsu turned on his full aegyo, batting up his thick lashes at him, his voice going soft and pleading, his hands playing with the zipper of Seung Hyun’s track suit.

“You mean you want to do this together? Fuck no,” Seung Hyun said, stepping backward until he was almost out of the room.

“Come on Seung Hyun, a bath together isn’t going to kill you,” Junsu said, apparently not put off by his outburst, as he simply leaned over and turned the taps of Seung Hyun’s giant tub on full blast. “I’ve been thinking of these jets since this morning. And trust me, the way you are limping around, a night in the hot tub is just what the sexy doctor,” he pointed at himself and mouthed ‘me’, “ordered.”

Seung Hyun looked at the deep bathtub he’d studiously ignored since moving in and back to Junsu, then back to the tub, then back to sexy Junsu. The food in his stomach began to churn. “I… can’t, Junsu,” he said, shaking his head. “I wish I… but I can’t.”

Junsu captured his hand, holding it between two of his own, looking up into his eyes, his big, brown eyes filled with warmth and understanding. “This is where we start trying, Seung Hyun. Baby steps.”

“How is being naked in a fucking bathtub with you baby steps, Junsu?” he snapped before he realized what he’d said, instantly regretting lashing out, and squeezing Junsu’s hands in an attempt to take out the sting from his words.

“Who said anything about being naked, you big perv?” Junsu laughed up at him. “Step one, now you don’t have any bubble bath — and technically you’re not supposed to use bubble bath in these things anyway, but you’re rich, you can afford it. So, we’ll compromise.” From behind his back, Junsu pulled out a bottle of liquid soap and squeezed a good amount into the tub.

As soon as soap hit the stream of water filling the tub, bubbles began to burst up, creating a layer of foamy white on top of the water. A foamy layer that was so thick, Seung Hyun could not see through it.

“Step Two,” Junsu said turning back to him, “go put on a whatever you would feel comfortable wearing in a public pool.”

Seung Hyun shook his head. “I would never go to a public pool.”

“Gah! Stop being a butt-head, go put on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt and get back here.” When Seung Hyun didn’t move, Junsu pushed him gently out the door. “Go, I promise, this is going to make you feel amazing.”

Doubtful and, embarrassingly, a little nervous, Seung Hyun went into his closet and dug through the back, not even certain he actually owned a pair of shorts. While Junsu was right, he did want to try getting better at this — knew he needed to if he wanted to keep Junsu with him — it hadn’t occurred to him he’d have to start tonight. He was bone tired, his body was beginning to really feel the effects of everything Hwangsabu had put him through today.

He listened to the sound of the filling tub with a sigh, realizing he wasn’t going to get out of this. Finding a pair of shorts his mother had bought for him one time, tags still dangling from the side, he sighed again, heavier this time, and checking the door, tugged off his pants and slid on the shorts. He felt ridiculous. There had to be a better way for them to spend their time together. The crazy of the new album and all the touring and events that required was about to hit is schedule. Nights alone together with Junsu was going to be harder to come by. And instead of… he didn’t know, making out on the couch or something…

“Did you get lost in there?” Junsu called out. “Don’t make me come in there after you.”

With a grumble, he grabbed an old tour t-shirt and pulled it on, tucking it securely into his shorts.

When he reentered the bathroom, Junsu took one look at him and burst out laughing, he laughed so hard he had to hold onto the edge of the sink for support.

“What?” Seung Hyun asked, beginning to feel irritated. “You told me to put on what I’d be comfortable in.”

“Who gets in a pool in a giant bathrobe, Seung Hyun?”

“I would.” Or he would if he were ever dumb enough to get in a pool with other people around.

Junsu shook his head. “No, you wouldn’t. Take it off and climb in.”

While he had snagged the bathrobe from the edge of the bed and put on it on as a joke (or half jokingly), he felt weird taking it off in front of Junsu. Slowly, he untied the belt from around his middle and let the robe drop to the floor, feeling like an actress in some b-movie.

“Why Seung Hyun-ssii, what nice legs you have there,” Junsu teased. “Now get in.”

Feeling stupid, Seung Hyun climbed into the deep tub, lowering himself into the steaming water the bubbles closing up around him until he couldn’t see anything below but a sparkle of foam. The tub was deep enough for the water to come just a few inches away from his shoulder. He hated to admit it, but the hot water felt amazing to his tired muscles.

“So, what do you think?” Junsu asked, grinning slyly down at him. “Not terrible, right?”

“Okay, it’s not terrible,” he grudgingly admitted.

“Well it’s about to go from not terrible to freaking amazing,” Junsu said.

“What are you doing?” Seung Hyun asked, starting to feel a little silly, sitting there in the water, fully dressed, as Junsu watched.

“Wait for iiiit,” Junsu said, holding out his finger to a switch along the side of the tub. “Ready to be amazed?” He pressed the button and jets of water shot out down along the edges of Seung Hyun’s body, whirling and swirling the water around him. The heavy stream from the jets pushed at the knots in his body, and he groaned out loud.

“Fuck.”

“I told you you’d like it,” Junsu said, shooting him a superior smile. “Now, I’ll be right back, sit here and try not to have too much fun without me.

He was about to protest, but the hot water and the magical jets just felt too good against his skin, so he simply settled back down and closed his eyes. A few minutes later there was a tickling at his nose and he opened his eyes to see that the frothy white bubbles mounding over the tub, obscuring everything below. Junsu walked back in the room, took a look at him, and burst out laughing.

“What?” Seung Hyun asked.

“If only the world could see tough rapper T.O.P looking perplexed by a bubble bath.”

Seung Hyun would have grumbled back, but he just felt too good to work up a good retort. ‘Where’d you go?” he asked instead.

“Mood lighting! If you’re going to do this, you might as well have the whole effect,” Junsu said, placing the candles he’d gathered from around Seung Hyun’s house down on the counter top before pulling one of Seung Hyun’s lighters out and lighting them.

“You do this often?” Seung Hyun asked. “You appear to be a bath expert.”

“Whenever I’m on tour and my hotel has one of these things,” he said. “Which, unfortunately, is not very often.” He pulled his phone out of his pocket, fiddling for a moment before some low music began to play. He carefully placed the phone on the counter, and walking over to the door, flicked off the light. The room darkened, only lit by the yellow light of the flickering candles. “Now this is how you properly bubble bath.”

Seung Hyun swallowed hard as Junsu turned back and made his way back over to the edge of the tub. “Are you…” he cleared his throat, his voice suddenly hoarse, “coming in?”

Junsu gave him a low wicked smile. “Do you want me to come… in?” He then burst out laughing. “Sorry, I tried to keep a straight face, I really did. Yes, I’m coming in.” Junsu paused and searched Seung Hyun’s face, suddenly sobering. “Well, I’m coming in if you’re okay with it.”

Seung Hyun considered it for a moment before nodding. He was fully dressed, and with the bubbles, it wasn’t as though Junsu could see anything even if he wanted to. Plus, Junsu was right, he needed to at least try to get over this. “I’m okay with it. Do you… did you want me to get you some shorts?”

Junsu knelt at the edge of the tub, bringing himself eye level with Seung Hyun. “It’s up to you. Do you want me to wear shorts? Or I could… just come there.”

“You mean, like naked?”

“I don’t know,” Junsu said, his tone suddenly unsure. “Would it make you uncomfortable if I were naked? Or do you want me dressed, too? You’re going to have to tell me what you want here, Seung Hyun. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“You don’t make me uncomfortable, Junsu,” Seung Hyun said, in complete honesty. “It’s me that’s awkward.”

“Soooo… What do you want, Seung Hyun? Do you want me to go and find clothes, or do you want me to…” he trailed off picking at the edge of his tight, black t-shirt (having lost the big sweater before they hit the bathroom), tugging it up a slow inch until Seung Hyun could see the skin beneath.

“No.” Seung Hyun cleared his throat when he couldn’t get his voice to work. “No clothes.”

“Okay then,” Junsu said with a deep breath, “ready or not, I’m coming in.” He leaned in and gave Seung Hyun a kiss that was over before he realized it had even begun. As Junsu rose to his feet, Seung Hyun licked his lips, tasting where Junsu had been.

Catching Seung Hyun’s eye, Junsu cocked his head before reaching for the buckle of his belt, his hips swaying slightly to the low beat of the song playing over the speakers.

“Are you stripping?” Seung Hyun gulped out, his blood suddenly running hot and his breath coming out in little pants.

Junsu shrugged one of his slender shoulders. “Maybe. Do you have a problem with that?”

“No.” He was now having trouble getting actual words out. He shook his head. “You are so fucking sexy, Junsu.”

Junsu cocked his head. “Do you think so?” He said giving his hips a swirl which slowly spun him around. “I don’t have the cut abs like a lot of idols do. My body just doesn’t do that.” He ran his hands down his slender torso, catching his thumb under his shirt, dragging it up as his fingers stroked over his own skin. “I can work out hours a day, and no chocolate abs for me.”

“You don’t need them,” Seung Hyun said, wishing it were his own hand running down the length of Junsu’s skin. “You’re perfect the way you are.”

“So are you.”

Getting into the music, Junsu dipped and swirled his hips in time to the heavy, low beat of the music. Each sway of him, every flash of his high, impossibly round ass, matched with the now maddening push of the bath jets, made Seung Hyun so over-stimulated, he thought he might just explode before Junsu even made it into the tub.

Almost as if he heard him, Junsu grabbed the t-shirt and thankfully, this time, stripped it over his head in one fluid movement, uncovering his dancer body, with skin that shone in the yellow of the flickering candles. Seung Hyun swallowed hard, his breathing getting harder with every movement. He knew Junsu was a thing of beauty, something that would be right at home among the marbled sculptures found in a museum, but to see it there laid out just for him to see, was something he knew he’d never forget.

Unable to resist, Seung Hyun reached out a wet, bubble covered hand, reaching out to him, needing to touch, to feel, to let him know that that this was real, that Junsu was here, and that it wasn’t just some figment of some really good wet dream. Junsu gave him a low, wicked smile, grabbed his wrist, and swung his hips closer, closer until he was close enough to run Seung Hyun’s fingers down the soft, velvety skin of his stomach. While, no, you couldn’t see the abs, Seung Hyun could feel them, just under his skin, the hard muscles that shuddered at Seung Hyun’s touch, giving him a clue that Junsu wasn’t as in control as he seemed. That he was feeling this connection, this want, as much as Seung Hyun was.

In the flicker of the darkened room, he could see the shadow of Junsu’s face. See how he half closed his eyes to the music, letting his head fall backward, his lips opened in a soft mewing sigh, a sound which hit Seung Hyun hard, his body tightening in fast response.

Leading his fingers down, Junsu slid them from his abs, down the slight crinkle of hair, to the button of his impossibly tight pants. He dipped his hips again, and Seung Hyun curled his fingertips, not wanting to let him escape his touch, curled his fingers tips under the waistband. Junsu gasped, flexing his stomach, hollowing it out, giving Seung Hyun more space to slip his fingers further down. Unable to resist, Seung Hyun pulled, bringing Junsu to the very edge of the tub, and flicked the button open with his thumb.

“Take them off,” he said, his voice low and rough. “Take off the pants and come here Junsu.”

Pausing for a moment, Junsu bent over and caught Seung Hyun’s lips in a dark, hard kiss that Seung Hyun could feel down to his toes. A kiss that made Seung Hyun want to drag Junsu down in there with him.

“Don’t tell anyone,” Junsu whispered when he pulled away. “You’re sexy when you’re bossy.”

Fuck it, Seung Hyun thought and, wrapping his arms around Junsu, pulled him down into the tub.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys, a little TOPSU announcement. I'm going to be taking a few weeks off. The last few chapters took me a little longer to finish than I had anticipated, and you've officially caught up to me. So, I'm going to take the next few weeks, get ahead and be right back to you to finish up the tale. If you want to keep up with me, head on over to [my tumblr](http://fanficjjigae.tumblr.com/), where I do little character asks, bad TOPSU photoshops and little behind the scenes what nots. I'll see you guys soon!


	25. The Boyfriend List

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seung Hyun learns an unfortunate truth: water and tight pants just don't mix.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello Everyone! Sorry I was gone for so long! Sometimes real life sucks. I didn't forget about our boys and have been slowly building up a nice reserve of chapters. I'm determined to get them done by the end of the year so I hope you stick with me. Also, in case you missed it, I posted some drabbles I wrote from prompts some of you gave me on Tumblr. So now TOPSU now looks like a series. (Can you believe our boys are headed off to the millitary on the same day? The fanfic practically writes itself!) On the tumblr you can also find things like the...question character promps get. 
> 
> See you next week!

Junsu hit the water with a splash sending tidal waves of water and bubbles over the side of the tub. The spell he’d been attempting to cast over Seung Hyun was broken as he wiped suds from his face and nose, coughing water out of his mouth.

“Fuck. Junsu, are you okay?” Seung Hyun asked, his face pinched with concern and possibly, if Junsu was reading it right, a little embarrassment.

Face clear of bubbles, Junsu couldn’t keep the peal of laughter that burst out from the pit of his stomach, positively giddy from feeling light and happy. “You, sir, messed up big time.”

Seung Hyun reached down and hooked his arms around Junsu’s waist, attempting to pull him to a better position, but the soap and jets made Junsu a slippery eel — not to mention the man in question was laughing so hard he was in no position to offer any assistance. “Why? What’s wrong? Are you hurt?”

Trying to get his laughter under control, Junsu placed a hand on either side of Seung Hyun’s hips, pushing himself up and forward until he was close enough to peck Seung Hyun on the lips.  _ Huh _ , he thought.  _ Maybe if all push ups were like this, he wouldn't mind doing them so much. _ To test out his, frankly brilliant, hypothesis, he repeated the movement again, surging forward, swamping Seung Hyun with a warm wave of water and a pair of lips full of Junsu. Yep, definitely better than regular push ups. Just before Seung Hyun tried to take the kiss deeper, Junsu pushed backwards and gave him a pointed look. “So. You want to know just how you messed up?” He fished through the water until he found one of Seung Hyun’s hands and led it to his thigh, tracing his fingers lightly up his sodden, denim covered thighs. He dipped down again until his lips were at Seung Hyun’s ear. “Water and tight pants don’t mix, there’s no way these things are coming off now,” he whispered, tracing each word lightly against Seung Hyun’s skin, feeling him shudder in response. 

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Seung Hyun groaned, his fingers grasping Junsu’s thigh, feeling him through the heavy material. Suddenly, he started shoving himself upwards, out of the tub. “Out. Let’s get out.”

Junsu giggled again and shook his head, happy to be the one driving Seung Hyun insane for a change. He draped his arms around Seung Hyun’s neck. “Nope, you promised me a bath in this magical tub of yours, so I get a bath.” Seung Hyun’s irritated, sexually frustrated pouty face was probably the most adorable thing Junsu had ever seen.

Sobering, Junsu looked at that face, the face he’d thought had been lost to him forever. The face that had stayed with him, in his brain, in his heart, even though he’d wished, he’d begged for it to go, to leave him in peace. Through Seung Hyun’s adorable irritation, and the heart-churning remainder of want — for him! (It still wasn’t sinking into his brain.) Junsu could see the tired weariness that lurked there in that beautiful face. There were heavy, dark circles beneath his eyes, and a thinness Junsu recognized hadn’t been there a month ago, a gauntness which told Junsu that maybe, just maybe what Seung Hyun said was the truth and that maybe their time apart had been just as difficult for him.

Seung Hyun shot one of his patented alluring T.O.P looks, one of those looks that made fangirls squeeee with delight and usually sent Junsu into x-rated fantasy land. “Come on Junsu, I bet I can make outside the tub way more interesting than inside it.”

Unable to resist, Junsu traced his foamy hands over Seung Hyun’s cheeks, smoothing away the tired lines, discovering the sharp edges. “We have time,” he said, giving Seung Hyun a quiet, dreamy smile, his heart full to almost bursting.

Seung Hyun’s eyes slipped from smoky-hot, promising lurid deeds to warm and almost… loving? Giving Junsu a bad case of warm, tummy fuzzies, which were only doubled, then tripled, when Seung Hyun nudged into his hand, like Leo did whenever Junsu pat his scratched under his chin. “I guess we do.”

“Besides, remember my dating list? No? Seriously?” Junsu rambled at Seung Hyun’s confused look. Man, he was going to have to take issue with Seung Hyun’s faulty relationship brain — forgetting how they’d actually first met, forgetting how Junsu planned out his wishes for a first date. Maybe he should download one of those little relationship reminder apps onto Seung Hyun’s phone when he wasn’t looking. “My list of things I wanted to do with someone I wanted to date?”

“Wait. Wait. I think I remember.” Seung Hyun scrunched up his face and Junsu tried his best not to find his visible attempts to remember adorable. “Uhhh....you mean when you said you wanted me to ask you to go out with me, take you out to some fancy place, and then try and get through your door at the end of the night?” Seung Hyun chuckled. “Well, I asked you to my place, got you a meal, and now I’m asking you to let me in.” He wriggled his eyebrow and shot him a heated leer which made Junsu’s insides turn to acorn jelly and almost made him forget his plan to get Seung Hyun some rest. Instead, he sent a splash of suds Seung Hyun’s way.

“Ugh, you’re so greasy, how do I even stand you?" He cleared his throat. “Well, yes, we kind of skipped that part, but now that we’re… um… well whatever we are, I have a whole new list of stuff I’ve always wanted to do with a… boyfriend.”

“Whatever we are?” Seung Hyun asked in confusion.

The embarrassment creeped into Junsu, turning his cheeks bright pink, which he crossed his fingers Seung Hyun would just attribute to the hot bathwater — how easily Seung Hyun was able to fluster him wasn’t something he wanted to get around — to Seung Hyun least of all.

“Well.” He cleared his throat, suddenly finding the bubbles in the tub fascinating, anything to stop from staring at the confused Seung Hyun. “Well, I mean, like, I don’t know what to call you. Are you my boyfriend? My best friend? Although, I’m sorry, actually that title kind of goes to Yoochun and Jaejoong, we signed papers on it and everything. Manfriend?”

Sung Hyun snorted. “Manfriend?” He seemed to have moved past confusion, which was good, but had settled into amusement which was less good from Junsu’s perspective. He didn’t need any help feeling silly right now.

“What are we? What do you want me to be?” Junsu burst out.

“I put my hand on your dick. I think you can call me your boyfriend,” Seung Hyun said dryly.

Ugh this guy. “But do you want to be my boyfriend?” Junsu asked. He wasn’t sure where all this insecurity was coming from and he desperately wished it would go away, but for now apparently he needed everything spelled out for him. Otherwise, he’s pretty sure he’d just go slowly crazy. Or not so slow. He studied Seung Hyun’s perfectly sculpted features which still had a fine layer of bubbles covering his jaw, Yeah, no pretty sure about it, he’d go from sane to crazy in about two seconds flat.

Seung Hyun’s eyes went all melty, a delicious swirl of yummy milk chocolate and he leaned in and placed a simple, but not simple, kiss on Junsu’s lips. “I do.”

A knot in Junsu’s chest began to slowly uncurl, and he gave Seung Hyun a shy smile. “Good.” 

Snapping himself out of it before he just laid his entire inner self out there for all to see, he turned around in the tub, and nudging Seung Hyun’s legs apart, slipped himself between them, backing up until he could lean onto Seung Hyun’s hard chest. The wet shirt felt weird against Junsu’s bare skin, but it was still more comfortable than the wet jeans which tugged and pulled at his legs. After a second, Seung Hyun’s arms circled around him and he snuggled into the embrace of his boyfriend, all thoughts of cursed wet jeans escaped him.

He closed his eyes, the warmth of the tub, the pounding push of the jets, the low thrum of the music, the wet, finally legit, boyfriend snuggle began to do their work, soothing away the aches of the day, the pain of the last month, leaving him content and happy. Bathtub time was definitely going to have to be added to their regular routine. Well. Once they began a routine. 

And he was now determined to get one of these magical happy makers installed into his own bathroom.

“So you have a list?” Uh oh. Junsu realized he’d made a tactical error in his comfort (not seduce) Seung Hyun game plan as the tickle of Seung Hyun’s words reverberated right in his ear, reminding him of all those times he’d listened to T.O.P’s raspy raps. Except this time, it was Seung Hyun himself, right there, his lips brushing his ear, his hot breath tempting him with every word.

Trying to focus, Junsu cleared his throat and brought up his list, the list he’d accumulated all that time on his own, watching others and wanting it for himself. “Yes. My list of things I want to do with my boyfriend and — since you are now, officially, Xia Junsu’s boyfriend — you should probably take some notes.”

Seung Hyun reached up and patted his hands down Junsu’s skin, “I seem to have left my pen and paper on my other boyfriend.”

Junsu thumped his head back against Seung Hyun’s shoulder in protest of his teasing, trying not to shiver as Seung Hyun's hands brushed and lingered over the planes of his chest. Comfort and rest, he reminded himself, comfort and rest…  _ then _ sexy times. “It’s okay, you can apply for a written copy of the document at a later date. But for now, on the list is ‘bubble bath in glorious tub with handsome boyfriend.’” He snuggled back, relishing in the feel of himself in Seung Hyun’s embrace, feeling the solid being of Seung Hyun behind him, so close he could feel the pull of every breath, the thump of his heart, his long legs dwarfing Junsu’s own. God, this man was almost all leg, Junsu thought. With the whir of the jets, the froth of the bubbles, and the flicker of the candles, Junsu was happy to say that this entry on the boyfriend list was a crazy success. He closed his eyes to soak in the moment, to imprint it on his heart.

“Is that all? I’m sorry, but that’s a pretty sad list,” Seung Hyun said.

“You don’t like it?” Junsu asked, surprised, and began to sit up, pulling away from him only to have Seung Hyun tighten his arms his waist, pulling him tight back into his chest.

“I didn’t say that. It has an almost naked Junsu, slippery with soap, these fucking awesome jets, and so many bubbles you could hide a whole other person under this water and I wouldn’t see them. What’s not to like?” Seung Hyun nuzzled his nose down Junsu’s neck and Junsu, may have, possibly, tilted his head to the side in order to give him more access. You know, to be friendly.

“Good,” Junsu sighed and let himself sink back in, surrendering to those same magic jets.

“So, tub time. Check. What’s next?” Seung Hyun asked.

“Well, don’t think I’ve let it slip that we technically haven’t done the date night, so you’re not off the hook for that.”

“Date night check. I ask you out, we dress up, I pick you up at your house, we go to an expensive place where I can show you off — or show you off as much as famous people can show off — and then take you back to your house where you pretend to think about whether you’re going to let me in or not.” He caught Junsu’s earlobe with his teeth and nibbled, flicking the edge with his tongue until Junsu shuddered. “I’m feeling pretty good about my chances. Thursday?”

“What?” Junsu asked, his brain still nibble-fuzzy and having a hard time following him.

“Are you free on Thursday? It’s the day before the concert, so I’m busy all day, but I should be able to escape that night. Plus, after the concert my schedule’s going to get crazy and…” he trailed off.

“It’s okay, Seung Hyun,” Junsu said, leaning his head up and stealing a light kiss from him, backing away before Seung Hyun could lure him into more. “Crazy schedules come with the territory. I won’t blame you for not always having time for me. Just knowing you want to be with me is enough.”

He could feel Seung Hyun sigh against him. “I’ll try to be as understanding when it’s you with the busy schedule, but I’m not promising anything. If the last month taught me anything, it’s that not having you around sucks balls.”

Junsu laughed. “Well, it’s good to know. But even if I can’t be there in person, I’m a phone call, a video chat, a text away. Last month… sucked balls for other reasons.”

“Have I mentioned how sorry I am lately?” Seung Hyun asked, leaned his head forward until his forehead rested on Junsu's shoulder. “You deserve…”

“If you’re about to even think about putting my boyfriend down, we’re going to have some issues,” Junsu said, reaching down to tug at the hair on Seung Hyun’s leg. At Seung Hyun’s complaint, Junsu repeated the action on the other side. They sat there in silence for a moment, taking their words in, soaking each other in. “So Thursday. If I’m not free, I’ll make myself free. My boyfriend needs to see me before his schedule gets crazy.”

“Good. So, what’s next on the list?” Seung Hyun said as he leisurely began to run his fingers up and down Junsu’s arms.

“Hmm…?” Junsu said, distracted by the tingles left by Seung Hyun’s touch. “Oh, umm… couple shirts. I always wanted to wear a couple shirt with my boyfriend.”

“No fucking way. Next?”

“Why?” Junsu whined. “Why won’t you wear a couple tshirt with me? Couple shirts are adorable!”

“Couple shirts are lame. Try again.” Seung Hyun’s hands wandered further, skimming the line of Junsu’s soaked jeans.

“Fine,” Junsu said with a pout. “But you’re lucky you’re so pretty, because I’m getting a sneaky suspicion you’re going to be a pain in my butt.”

Seung Hyun inched his fingers downward, managing to wedge himself between the pants and Junsu’s skin, growling lightly when the clinging fabric hampered his movement.  “I hope…”

Junsu cut him off. “If you’re about to say something greasy, then stop right there, mister.” He thought about pulling Seung Hyun’s hands away as ‘comforting bath’ was beginning to turn into ‘bath with increasingly hard to ignore sexual overtones,’ but since he was apparently a fan of baths with increasingly hard to ignore sexual overtones, he pretended to ignore it.

“Hmm… I want a hundred day celebration, Valentine’s day, White day. Ooh! Lazy Sunday mornings in bed just you, me, and the cats,” he said. He held his hand out of the water and inspected his pruny fingers as he attempted to remember his extensive ‘when I have a boyfriend’ list. Of course, it wasn’t easy when new boyfriend had turned his attentions to swirling patterns over Junsu’s belly button. Now, Junsu had never realized that the belly button was an erogenous zone, but with every swirl, with every dip, his thoughts became more scattered. 

“Ping pong tournament — I’m pretty good you know — going to the movies and making out in the back row,” he couldn’t keep in a shudder as Seung Hyun once again dipped low into the crevice of his belly button, dipping low, his nails scratching lightly. He shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. “Going on a vacation together, rainy day cuddles, phone sex, going to an amusement park…”

Seung Hyun choked out a laugh, distracting himself from his apparent mission to drive Junsu crazy. Junsu could feel the sound reverberated inside himself, and he did his best not to sigh like some teenager at the wash of emotions that swelled over him. He was more than willing to call ‘joint bath’ a huge success, one he would be happy to indulge in again, although preferably not in wet jeans.

“Uhhhh… hold on a second,” Seung Hyun said when he stopped chuckling. “What was that?”

“Amusement park. I know, I know, this one is a long shot because people will see us, but I’ve been making this list since I was a kid, so in honor of eleven-year-old, gay Junsu, it stays.”

He sighed a bit when Seung Hyun bent down and kissed the his shoulder, running his lips back and forth over the exposed skin, causing Junsu’s heart to race.

“No, I meant the one before that, something about, I don’t know — phone sex?” The soft kisses became a line of nibbles that made Junsu shudder and grip his nails into the Seung Hyun’s short covered thighs.

“You heard that?” Junsu said, his voice coming out in shallow breaths.

“Yeah, I heard that,” Seung Hyun said, before soothing his tongue over the pattern mark he’d made with his teeth. Junsu’s blood ran hot until he could feel it pump, pump, pumping in his veins, sending alerts through his body right down to his toes. “Sometimes you surprise me, Junsu.”

Junsu tilted his head and shot the amused Seung Hyun a look before shrugging his shoulder. “Why? I’m a guy. I like sex. I like you. Your voice gets me all sorts of sexy, so of course it’s on the list. Not to mention, with our schedules? We’re going to have to be… creative.”

Seung Hyun’s eyes flared hot. “Fuck. Okay then, something to look forward to.”

“As you should,” Junsu said primly, as if he weren’t sitting between his boyfriend’s thighs, pressed up against him so that he could feel a certain part of said boyfriend hard against him, trying to pretend he wasn’t getting hard just by the feeling of Seung Hyun fingertips on his skin.

“So, what else is on this list?” Seung Hyun asked, moving those fingers away from his belly button to run lazy tracks leading from the waistband of his pants, up over his abs, over his chest, coming achingly close to his nipples before heading back down. Basically driving him out of his fudging mind.  

“You don’t think this is silly?” Junsu asked tilting his head up and back in order to see Seung Hyun in the eye. Which he then, of course, took advantage of, swooping in and claiming Junsu’s lips once again. Junsu reached up and wove his hand through Seung Hyun’s wet hair, tugging him closer, moaning low in his throat as Seung Hyun’s fingers finally touched his nipple, circling again and again, scratching his nail over the overly sensitive nub.

Seung Hyun pulled back, until there was just a millimeter between their lips, way too far away in Junsu’s opinion as he tried to pull him back down. “This list important to you?” he asked.

“What?” Junsu asked, his mind cloudy with other, Seung Hyun-filled thoughts. “Oh. My list.” He dropped his hand away from Seung Hyun’s head, ducking his own, embarassed. “Yeah. It kind of is.”

Seung Hyun grabbed Junsu’s wrist and tugged it until it was back on the back of his head. “And are there more surprises, like making out in theaters and phone sex?”

Junsu giggled and allowed his fingers to re-tangle in Seung Hyun’s hair. “Maybe.”

“And does this list involve you and me?”

“Definitely.”

“And will I be able to add onto the list?”

“Like what?” Junsu asked, looking up at Seung Hyun, giving him a shy smile.

Seung Hyun playfully bit him lightly on the tip of his chin. “This is just off the top of my head, but… actually, all I can think about is the phone sex now, but I’m sure later…”

“I’ll remind you of that when it’s the only sex we can have because our schedules are too full,” Junsu said.

“Fuck. You’re right.” Seung Hyun leaned down and pressed their foreheads together, and Junsu looked at him, the dark, flickering light casting his face in shadows, his eyes almost appearing black. He sighed happily. Candlelight only made his boyfriend look even more handsome. “I wouldn’t mind having another one of these baths,” Seung Hyun said. “These jets are fucking amazing.”

“Told you you’d like it,” Junsu said smugly.

“Although next time, I insist on one change.”

“What?” Junsu asked.

“You need to lose the pants. They’re in my way.” Seung Hyun’s hand slipped down and cupped Junsu’s dick through the heavy fabric of Junsu’s wet jeans, giving it a light squeeze, causing Junsu’s hips to buck against him.

“Your… fault,” Junsu gasped hard.

“I know,” Seung Hyun whispered. “I’m an idiot.”

Junsu surged up and turned in the tub, straddling Seung Hyun’s hips once more. Leaning down he bit Seung Hyun through the fabric of the shirt on his shoulder.

“Ouch! What the fuck was that for?” Seung Hyun exclaimed.

Junsu sat upright, sitting himself firmly onto Seung Hyun’s lap. “Pretty sure I warned you about talking bad about my boyfriend.”

“Your boyfriend?” Seung Hyun smiled up at him.

“Yep. My boyfriend. My boyfriend whose inadvertent accident allowed us to actually enjoy our bath before we,” he wriggled his eyebrows at Seung Hyun before shifting his hips closer until their straining dicks ground together, “...enjoyed our bath.”

Seung Hyun breathed out a low, “Fuck.” He reached out and slipped his arms around Junsu, resting them firmly on his ass, dragging him even closer, groaning at each contact. “Baths are the best.”

Junsu rolled his hips, relishing the sight of Seung Hyun’s eyes pretty much rolling into the back of his head. Relishing the visual proof that Seung Hyun really did want him as much as Junsu wanted him. He rolled his hips again and again, torturing both of them as he threw his head back. Seung Hyun tightened his grip, digging into the firm flesh of the cheeks of Junsu’s ass, and he closed his eyes against the sensation, panting hard.

He forgot about his wet jeans, he forgot about Seung Hyun’s own layer of protective clothing, he just basked in the the moment. His blood throbbed with Seung Hyun.

Seung Hyun bent forward and latched onto Junsu’s straining neck, kissing, licking, and nibbling his way down. “I thought of something,” he panted.

“Huh?” Junsu asked, his mind cloudy with the sensation they were creating.

“My list.” Seung Hyun moved from Junsu’s neck down to his clavicle, sucking lightly across the bone.

“Uhh… okay,” Junsu said, not sure why now, of all times, Seung Hyun decided to be chatty. They had time to make up for! Feelings to feel! Sex to… sex. He added a little swirl to his hips, trying to get enough friction through all of their layers, pretty sure if he didn’t get off soon his brain would actually explode. And yet there was Seung Hyun all wanting to talk about their relationship. “What?”

“Here.” He kissed Junsu’s neck. “Here.” He swirled his lips over Junsu’s shoulder, he bent down and breathed hot and wet on Junsu’s chest. “Here.” He pulled his his hands from Junsu’s ass, and Junsu almost groaned at the loss. Reaching up, he tugged Junsu’s head until he could look deep into Junsu’s eyes. “When you’re done with your tour, I want to mark you as mine.”

Junsu’s breath froze in his chest, while the rest of him leapt to attention. “Whhhaat?”

Seung Hyun tilted his neck, and Junsu could see the slight bruise on the base of Seung Hyun’s neck. He blushed realizing what it was from, what Seung Hyun was referring to. “I didn’t mean…”

Pulling him in for a hard kiss, one that had Junsu’s breath hitching in his chest, Seung Hyun showed him that he didn’t mind Junsu’s mark. And now all Junsu wanted was for Seung Hyun to do the same for him. His hips moved of their own accord now, writhing them together, pushing them harder and harder towards that edge. “Do it,” he mewed. “Please Seung Hyun, do it now.” He bared his neck, wanting nothing more than to wear Seung Hyun’s mark. Wanting visual proof that he belonged to… that they beolonged to each other. He clutched at Seung Hyun, curling his nails into his skin, sure he was leaving another mark, marking Seung Hyun as his.

His.

His.

Seung Hyun groaned. “When your tour is over and you’re not dancing almost naked in front of a crowd of people.”

“Now,” Junsu whined, trying to get even closer. All at once the feeling of Seung Hyun against him, the pounding of the jets against his skin, spraying bubbles over him, it was too much and yet not enough. He wanted it all, and he wanted it now.

“Later, baby, later. We have time.” Junsu narrowed his eyes at him, pouting at having his own words tossed back at him.

“On our date?” he breathed, getting closer, rubbing them together harder, faster, trying to get to that edge. Seung Hyun arched his hips to meet his thrusts, groaning low in his throat, his kisses harder, more insistent, until Junsu was certain he just might have a few of those reminders of tonight on him despite Seung Hyun’s attempts.

“On our date, I’ll strip you naked,” Seung Hyun growled, biting lightly at Junsu’s mouth. “I’ll lay you out on my bed.” His tricksy tongue stole its way past Junsu’s lips, licking inside, teasingly, desperately. Junsu shuddered hard. Close. So close. He whined lightly and opened his thighs wider, trying to get to get them even closer, riding up and down Seung Hyun, each word, each movement making him tight, tight, tighter.

“Then?” he gasped, pulling away, before pressing himself full against Seung Hyun’s chest. The wet fabric rubbing against his own sensitively heated flesh. He desperately wished they were skin to skin, that there were no barriers between them, but for now, just being able to be here like this with no hidden secrets, no fear between them, that was enough. For now.

“Then?” Seung Hyun teased, running his nails lightly down the skin of Junsu’s back causing him to shudder and sigh. “Then I’ll kiss you all over.” He pressed his lips to Junsu’s again as an example. “I’ll kiss you all over, leaving all the marks I want." He bit lightly at Junsu’s full bottom lip, tugging and tasting. “Then…”

“Yes?” Junsu panted hard. “Then what?”

“Then, though you’re wearing clothes, we’ll both…” His hands rested on Junsu’s hips, and he helped grind them together, his voice low and breathless. “…know what will be there. I was there. That you’re mine.”

The pressure of both of them working together had Junsu’s breath catching. He shifted his hips and changed the angle. He saw sparks and he heard Seung Hyun moan below him heavy and low. “And you’re mine?”

“Yes,” Seung Hyun moaned again, capturing Junsu’s lips. “I’m yours.”

Desperate now, Junsu stroked hard, finally falling off the edge, shaking and moaning against him. He could feel Seung Hyun fall after him with a short hoarse shout. Junsu collapsed, gasping against Seung Hyun’s chest.

They lay there like that for a few moments, propped against each other, Junsu nuzzling his head into the crook of Seung Hyun’s neck. Studying the feel of Seung Hyun’s breathing against him. Insulated in a cocoon of happiness… and bubbles. Junsu yawned deeply, the tired of the day beginning to finally hit him.

Idly, Seung Hyun ran his fingers over Junsu’s back. “So… baths are awesome.”

Junsu giggled. “Told you so.”

“We should probably get out though.”

Pulling back, Junsu gave him a frown. “Why? I thought baths are awesome.”

“It was. It is. Just… thinking what else is in this water now… I want to get out.”

Junsu thought about it for a second before what Seung Hyun was implying hit him and he made a face. “Oh. Ew. Getting out.”

 


	26. A Fine Bromance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now that they're together, Seung Hyun and Junsu have to figure out just what that means, for their personal and public personas.

There was a knock on the door. “You’re knocking? Knock it off and get in here,” Junsu laughed. The door to the bathroom inched open, and Seung Hyun leaned against the door watching him as he ran the brush through his wet hair. “What?”

“What, what?”

“Didn’t your mom ever tell you it wasn’t polite to stare?” Junsu asked, putting the hairbrush back into its place on the counter.

“If you’re going to wander around my house half naked, I cannot be responsible for the looks that you get.”

“Hey, thanks to somebody, my pants are wet!” Junsu said, pointing to where his pants hung, dripping, over the shower rod. After their bath, Seung Hyun had insisted that Junsu use his shower to wash up, saying he’d go use the shower in the spare room. He’d gotten that look on his face again when he’d tried to apologize for not being able to shower together, but Junsu had taken it upon himself to kiss his concerns away.

If only he could kiss the underlying issue away just as easily, he wished. He still had a hard time wrapping his brain around the fact that Seung Hyun seemed to have no idea just how gorgeous, how gorgeous and tempting, how gorgeous and tempting and… edible he was. Trying to figure out the pieces of Seung Hyun — the enigmatic, proud peacock that was T.O.P, and the sexy ball of awkward angst that was Seung Hyun — the pieces didn’t seem like they fit together, but there they were, standing before him.

Standing before him, giving him that stupid sexy eyebrow again.

“Now who’s staring?” Seung Hyun mocked.

“If you’re going to wander around your house looking all like that, I cannot be responsible for the looks you get.” Covered once again from head to toe, he wore a pair of old, grey sweatpants and a sweatshirt three times his size. Junsu was just grateful he’d apparently decided against the robe barrier.

“Smartass,” Seung Hyun said. “Here.” He held out another pair of sweats, this pair at least not quite so old as the ones Seung Hyun wore. Junsu grabbed them and tugged on the sweatshirt as Seung Hyun turned to leave. The sweatshirt was so big, the sleeves went down past his fingertips and the hem to almost his knees.

“What time is it?” Junsu asked, pulling on the pants. These were also too big for him, which wasn’t surprising as Seung Hyun seemed to possess acres and acres of leg.

“After three,” Seung Hyun said. “Why?”

Junsu paused at the door, looking into the bedroom, startled to see Seung Hyun sprawled out on the bed, his hands folded beneath his bed. God, he looked good, Junsu thought. “I should…” He paused awkwardly, fiddling with the frayed sleeve of the sweatshirt. “Probably go?”

“Go where?” Seung Hyun asked.

“Home? You know, I know you’re busy, and I don’t want to push, you know or assume anything, and you know, that’s fine, and now I’m babbling.” He could feel his cheeks begin to flush. How was it that this man could turn him into little piles of goo? It didn’t seem like a stupid question when he’d begun. No, it was logical. There was nothing more than he wanted than to climb up into that bed, curl up next to Seung Hyun, and get his cuddle on, but despite everything that happened tonight, there was still part of him that felt unsure of himself and his place in this relationship.

Seung Hyun pushed himself up in the bed, studying Junsu. “You don’t really think I’m letting you go home do you?”

“You’re not?” A little spark of hope shot through Junsu.

“Fuck no.” Seung Hyun said. “It’s after three in the morning, it feels like fucking years since we’ve slept — you’re going to stay right here where you belong.” He patted the bed next to him.

Junsu lit up, and relief pouring through him like a cool breeze, he ran for the bed, making a running jump when he was just close enough. He hit the bed with a thud, just barely managing to miss Seung Hyun in the process. From there, he twisted and wriggled until he found just the right position, slipping himself under Seung Hyun’s arm, so he could rest his head on the solid thump-thump of Seung Hyun’s heart. He threw his arm across _his boyfriend’s_ chest, his leg around his hips hugging him close.

Because he was pretty sure he was allowed to do such things now.

He wriggled and twisted, loving the feel of Seung Hyun against him. Almost sighing with happiness as he felt his arm tighten around him, holding him in  place. He breathed deep, taking in the warm scent of Seung Hyun. Yep, warm cuddles from his boyfriend? Even better than he imagined, he thought, as he held Seung Hyun close, closing his eyes in happiness as he mentally checked off one of the items on the boyfriend to-do list. He was cuddling. He was cuddling his boyfriend. He was cuddling his boyfriend, _Seung Hyun_. Nope, never in his wildest dreams did he ever think he’d be here right now.

Dreamily, he reached up and placed a tired kiss on the edge of Seung Hyun’s jaw.

“What was that for?” he asked.

“I’m just happy,” Junsu said simply.

“Go to sleep you cheeseball,” Seung Hyun retorted, but Junsu could hear the smile in his voice.

 

***********

 

His cell phone gently beeped and stirred Seung Hyun from sleep. Reaching out, he quickly turned it off before it woke Junsu. Although, by the looks of it, Junsu was dead to the world. The mint green of his hair, which would look absurd on anyone else, yet managed to look charming on him, almost glowed in the morning light that leaked through the curtains.  

He could probably get used to this, Seung Hyun thought.

Junsu made a little mewing sound, low in his throat, and scrunched up his face before sighing and settling back in tight to Seung Hyun’s side.

The man was like a little heat radiator, enveloping them in a cocoon of warmth which lured Seung Hyun, like a siren, back to sleep. He struggled against it, knowing with their schedules there would be few quiet mornings for them in the near future.  

Unable to resist, he reached out and traced his finger down Junsu’s face, down his rounded nose, over those irresistible full lips, to his pointed chin. His boyfriend, he thought. This man was his boyfriend. He was sure eventually he’d get used to that fact, but for now, all he could do was wonder just how he got to be so lucky. His feelings for Junsu surprised him. Just how had someone he’d known such a short time become such a fucking… essential part of his life?

“You’re thinking too hard,” Junsu mumbled sleepily. “It’s too loud.”

“How, exactly is my internal monologue bothering you?” he asked running his finger around the curl of Junsu’s ear.

“Let’s see,” Junsu said, still with his eyes closed, “you’re thinking about how pretty I am and how happy you are and wondering just how you got here.”

Seung Hyun grinned. “You forgot the bit about how silly you are.”

“Hmm… I must have missed that,” Junsu said with a sleepy smile. “You must have been whispering it.”

He shifted in Seung Hyun’s arms, beginning the detangling process. Unwilling to accept the start of their day — a day, a week, a month that would find them separated more often than not — on a whim Seung Hyun followed Junsu to his own pillow, tucking himself against Junsu’s back, wrapping him in his arms and nuzzling his head into the crook of Junsu’s neck, placing a kiss lightly on the warm skin he discovered there.

Junsu wriggled back happily, fitting them back together once more. “What time is it?” he asked.

“Ten. What time do you need to get moving?”

“It’s possible that yesterday I moved everything on my schedule until this afternoon.”

“Possible?” Seung Hyun laughed. “Were you expecting us to end up like this?” He reached out and captured Junsu’s hands in his, twining their fingers together.

“I was preparing for one of two scenarios. One, we’d end up like this,” he turned his head and placed a kiss on the arm that surrounded him.

“And two?” Seung Hyun choked out, trying to keep his thoughts on the subject at hand, but it turned out that an armful of warm, sexy Junsu was hell on a man’s concentration.

“Two? Hmm… two was — if it didn’t go well and I’d need… time. Another ten minutes of no-show last night and it would have definitely been two.”

He’d been that close to losing this, Seung Hyun thought with a shudder.

“Have I mentioned lately that I’m sorry?” Seung Hyun breathed into Junsu’s neck. “Ji Yong had better realize how lucky he was you waited for me because if he had been the reason I lost you after he told me he was cool with us, I would have straight up murdered him.” He considered it for a moment. “I still might.”

Junsu stiffened in his arms. “What are you talking about? What does G-Drago- Ji Yong have to do with this?”

Oh. Shit. “I told him yesterday,” he said. “I mean. About us.”

“Why would you do that?” Junsu asked, pulling out of his arms and sitting upright in bed, letting in a gust of cool air.

Surprised by the look of panic on Junsu’s face, Seung Hyun pulled himself into a sitting position as well. “I had to, Junsu. I had to. If we are going to do this, if this has any chance of affecting the band, then he had a right to know. I promise you. He won’t breathe a word of this to anyone.”

Junsu shook his head. “But why? Without telling me? I… Seung Hyun… you don’t understand, you can’t…”

Seung Hyun reached out to grab Junsu’s hand, but he jerked it away. For a moment he couldn’t breathe. How had he managed to mess this up again? So fast? Pushing himself up to his knees, he inched forward until he was able to throw a leg over Junsu’s thighs, hovering over him. “I didn’t plan on it Junsu, I promise. He already knew, he just wanted me to confirm it.”

“How did he already know?” Junsu asked, gazing up at him confused, still panicked, but at least no longer pushing him away.

“I guess he had some idea before that something was happening with someone, but the other day, when I realized how badly I’d fucked up and couldn’t find you, I asked him to help me find you. He knows everyone or knows people who know people.”

“You tried that hard to find me?” Junsu asked surprised and, thank god, a little less panicked. Seung Hyun took the chance and bent down, placing a gentle kiss on his lips — and since he was there, took another and another.

Reluctantly he pulled away. “Of course I did. I might be slow on this whole relationship thing, but I’m not stupid. And even though he wasn’t actually any fucking help at all and managed to trick me into an extra workout yesterday as punishment, I’d do it again.”

Junsu beamed up at him, the wonder and happiness there knocking Seung Hyun back. Junsu was so open it seemed as though every thought every emotion he felt played clearly right on his face.  “You would?”

Seung Hyun leaned in and captured Junsu’s lips again, this time taking his time, because he had time now, all the time he wanted, or at least enough time to make Junsu realize he meant what he said and that his time of running away was officially past. Junsu’s hands found their way to his thighs, curling in gently as they fell hard into the kiss.

Breaking away, Junsu laughed — his smile, his laughter making Seung Hyun want to join in. “Wait. So, what did Ji Yong say?”

“He’s my friend. He supports me,” Seung Hyun said simply because it was true. The last few days had opened his eyes to a lot of things, not just Junsu. Ji Yong was there for him. The little gremlin always had been. And he knew he always would.

“That’s it? He’s not worried about you being found out?” The fear started creeping back into Junsu’s face and Seung Hyun kissed him again — it seemed to be the best and fastest Junsu-medicine.

“Nope. Well…” he cleared his throat. “He’s against us getting caught, but he thinks we should be more public about our connection.”

“Why? Isn’t that the opposite of what we should do?” Junsu asked, confused, his brow furrowed.

“He said we should have a… bromance?” He was fucking embarrassed for himself for even saying the term like some sort of slashfic writing fangirl.

“A bromance?”

“Yeah, like let it be known that we’re best friends?” Yeah, this wasn’t getting any less mortifying.

Junsu’s eyes widened in surprise and he thumped Seung Hyun with his hands in apparent excitement. “Hot fudge! He’s right!”

“He is?” He wasn’t sure why Junsu was so excited but so long as he kept smiling like that, he really didn’t care.

“We could be like Song Joong Ki and Kwang Soo!”

“Song Joong Ki is gay?” Seung Hyun asked, surprised.

“Who knows!” Junsu said, so excited he was now wriggling beneath Seung Hyun’s thighs, almost bucking him off. “But they are considered to be best friends. They go to each other’s things, they fawn all over each other in the media, they go on private vacations, and the public just eats it up because they’re best friends!”

“So you want me to be your best friend?” Seung Hyun’s certain he’s never wanted to do with what he caught himself dreaming about doing with Junsu with any of his other friends. He squeezed his thighs, trapping Junsu closer beneath him.

Junsu pouted at him. “Don’t you want me to be your best friend?”

Seung Hyun thought about it. The person he wanted to do things most was Junsu. The person he wanted to see all the time was Junsu. The person who he found himself thinking of during odd moments during the day was Junsu. The person who he wanted to talk to at the end of every day was Junsu.

“I want to be more than your friend.”

Junsu’s eyes melted, and he gave him a dreamy smile. Seung Hyun knew, years from now, it was that look that would stay with him, something he would bring to his mind when he thought of Junsu. That look just for him because Seung Hyun realized — Junsu was it for him.

“I want to be more than your friend too, Seung Hyun-ah. And now I think we can do it without completely hiding ourselves away.”

“So are we okay? I mean the Ji Yong thing?”

Nodding, Junsu leaned forward and placed his head on Seung Hyun’s shoulder, nuzzling his forehead into the crook of his neck, his breath warm and moist on his skin. “I just never really had my secret out there beyond my control. It’s a little scary.”

Seung Hyun stroked his hand along the length of Junsu’s back, running his fingers over the old fabric of the track suit, warmed by the internal engine that was Junsu. “Don’t worry, Ji Yong won’t spill, I have way bigger shit on him than the fact I’m dating a dude.”

“Like what?”

“Lie back down and do that snuggling thing for a while more, and maybe I’ll tell you.”

Junsu burst out in giggles.


	27. And So It Is

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A soccer trip, a concert practice gone wrone, and some frazzled nerves get in the way of best laid plans.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is where my notes from the MADE movie start coming in handy.

**From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 11:32 April, 22** **  
** La, La, La   
just saw the newest Esquire magazine.   
The cover model is so hot! I’d jump him in a second.

 **From** : **Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 12:15 April, 22** **  
** What the FUCK?

 **From** : **Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 12:19 April, 22** **  
** Oh, wait. It’s me.

 **From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 12:25 April, 22** **  
** Hahahahahaa   
I miss you, shmushy face

 **From** : **Shmushy Face  
** **Sent: 12:32 April, 22** **  
** Shmushy face?

 

 **From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 12:33 April, 22** **  
** What? No good?   
Sexy Pants? How’s that?

 **From** : **Shmushy Face  
** **Sent: 12:34 April, 22** **  
** Marginally better than Shmushy Face.

 **From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 12:34 April, 22** **  
** Sexy Pants it is then!

 **Sexy Pants** **  
** **Sent: 12:35 April, 22** **  
** Yr not actually going to call me Sexy Pants r u?

 **From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 12:35 April, 22** **  
** Too late to change now.   
It has been decided.   
Henceforth you shall be called Sexy Pants.

 **Sexy Pants** **  
** **Sent: 12:36 April, 22** **  
** Yr lucky yr so fucking cute.

 **From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 12:45 April, 22** **  
** I miss you, sexy pants.   
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

 **Sexy Pants** **  
** **Sent: 12:52 April, 22** **  
** Who decided to go off on some trip with his soccer team to some flower show when they could be here with me?

 **From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 12:54 April, 22** **  
**These were pre-you plans!

 

 **From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 12:37 April, 22** **  
** Wish you were here, I haven’t seen you in 4ever!   
I miss your shmushy face!!!!

 **Sexy Pants** **  
** **Sent: 12:59 April, 22** **  
** I saw you like an hour ago for breakfast.

 

 **Sexy Pants** **  
** **Sent: 1:00 April, 22** **  
** And I thought we talked about the smushy face thing.

 

 **From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 1:02 April, 22** **  
** A teenie breakfast after sleeping alllloooone.

 

 **From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 1:05 April, 22** **  
** Can I help it if you have such a smushy face?

 

 **From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 1:011 April, 22** **  
** A smushy face that I just want to kiss and kiss and kiss

 

 **From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 1:17 April, 22**   
A smushy face I dreamt last night was going down on my...

 

 **Sexy Pants** **  
** **Sent: 1:25 April, 22** **  
** Going Down??????

 

 **Sexy Pants** **  
** **Sent: 1:26 April, 22** **  
** JUNSU???

 

 **From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 1:27 April, 22** **  
** Sorry. gotta go babe, van full of sweaty guys   
Not the place to think sexy thoughts.   
TTYL!

 **Sexy Pants** **  
** **Sent: 1:27 April, 22** **  
** You fucking suck.

 

 **From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 1:28 April, 22** **  
** Bwahahahahaa

  


***********

 

“Where have you been?” Seung Hyun demanded, relief washing down him now that he was finally able to get Junsu on the phone. “I’ve left, like, ten messages. You had me fucking worried.”

“I’m so sorry,” Junsu said, his voice subdued and terribly un-Junsu like. The short found relief of getting Junsu on the phone after hearing what had happened to him at that stupid flower show was pushed aside and the anger came roaring back to him.

“Are you okay?” Do you need me to come down there? Do you want me to kick that fucker’s ass?” Stepping back, part of Seung Hyun was surprised to realize just how close he was to chucking everything and heading down to another part of the country in order to protect Junsu from… what? What was he protecting him against, exactly? Some idiotic newscaster took potshots at Junsu, who had gone down there to open up a flower show? What exactly would that accomplish?

Junsu sniffled again, a forlorn sound that got Seung Hyun right in the gut. Damn straight he was going down to Busan. If _he_ wasn’t allowed to be an asshat to Junsu, he certainly wasn’t going to allow anyone else to be.

“So you heard then,” Junsu said.

“Of course I heard. By now everyone in all of Korea heard what happened to you. The real question is, why didn’t I hear about this from you?”

Junsu sighed a heavy tired sigh. “I didn’t really think about it.”

“You didn’t think about it?” Seung Hyun burst in, incredulous. “I think some jack-off newscaster fucking dissing you in the media about how he didn’t fucking think you stayed at a stupid flower show long enough would have been something you would want to share with your… your boyfriend.” Just because he found it embarrassing and awkward to think of himself as a boyfriend didn’t make it any less true. Someone had messed with Junsu, and someone was going to have to pay for that.

Once he dealt with said withholding boyfriend.

Junsu chuckled lightly, still strained, but there were whispers of his Junsu in there. “Seung Hyun-ah, if you plan to beat up anyone who talks crap about me, you’re not going to have much time for anything else.”

“You’re joking about this? Doesn’t it piss you off, some guy gets to mouth off about you in public and gets away with it?”

“Honestly? I’m pretty used to it by now. Unfortunately, since leaving SM, my career has been filled with stuff like this.”

Why couldn’t they just let Junsu go? Who could hold a grudge against Junsu? Let alone for years? The man was fucking sunshine in human form. The man’s goal in life was to own all the cats in the world. The man was compassionate enough to put up with _his_ bull shit. Not for the first time, Seung Hyun thanked god it was YG who had picked him and the rest of the guys up. Now, ten years in, looking at a contract renewal, he realized just how good he had it compared to some of the other idols out there. It was making the questions on whether to re-sign with them in the next month or two a no brainer.

“So, am I coming down there? Kicking some pretentious, announcer, dumb as fuck, Junsu anti-fan ass?” And despite his packed schedule and the looming concert he and his band mates were quickly realizing they were in no way prepared for — he’d do it. He’d drop everything to be there for Junsu. The feeling shocked him when he thought about it. Thought about how he hadn’t even known this man a few months ago, and now he was willing to do whatever was in his power to make him happy.

“And this is why I didn’t call…”

“Oh,” Seung Hyun said, catching onto Junsu’s slip. “So you didn’t forget me then? You deliberately didn’t tell me? When you come home, we’re going to have a little talk about what you do when you’re in trouble.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Today. You know how I found out there was something wrong with you?” he asked. “Naver. Or actually, the cordi-noona who read it and told the hairdresser who told me.” Yep, that still fucking burned, he thought. “Then, when I couldn’t get you on the phone? Not good, Junsu.”

“I didn’t want to… well, I didn’t want to bother you. I know how busy you are. How stressed you’ve been,” Junsu rushed out. “And it really wasn’t a big deal. I just didn’t know what to say. I felt dumb.”

Junsu was right. Seung Hyun _was_ busy. He couldn’t believe all the things they were attempting to pack into his day in preparation for the tour. He was stressed and under a crazy amount of pressure right now. But it had also been three days since he’d seen Junsu, and the ache to see him, to talk to him, to touch him, hurt more than he’d thought possible.

He stretched his legs out long in front of him, slouched down low, resting his head on the back of the makeup chair he’d been sequestered in for the last two hours, closing his eyes, letting the ache for Junsu — that he’d done his best to push to the background — rush upward.

“Baby.” He listened to Junsu let out a shuddering sigh. “You can talk to me about anything. Anytime anything bothers you… even if I’m the one doing it. I want to know. You come to me first. I might not be able to make things better, but I can listen. I want to know what’s going on with you. I might be new to this thing, but as your boyfriend I think it’s part of my job. It might even be on that list of yours somewhere,” Seung Hyun teased.

“Okay,” Junsu said, his voice quiet but filled with what sounded like wonder. Seung Hyun grinned at the sound of it.

“Okay, then. So, am I coming down there?” he asked.

There was a pause, and Seung Hyun could almost hear the whirl of Junsu’s brain as he thought about it. “No. No, I’m okay. My agency put out a statement. My fans are filled with a righteous, fangirl anger. They’ll take care of it. I’ll be fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“It gives me all sorts of warm fuzzies you want to come rescue me, but I’d just worry about you on the road so late after shooting all day.”

There was a pause, and Seung Hyun contemplated what he should do. Should he go down there anyway? If Junsu felt unsure about telling him about what was going on, would he try to convince him not to go for Seung Hyun’s sake?

“Are you really okay?” Seung Hyun asked.

Junsu let out a tired sigh. “Yeah. I’m good. Talking to you makes it a little better. Can you… can you stay on the phone for a while?”

“Don’t be stupid,” Seung Hyun said. “Whatever you need, Junsu. You want to talk to me? I’m here all night. You want me to come down there and kick some ass? I’m already on my way.”

“Thanks,” Junsu said. “It means… it means a lot that you’re here. Or there. Or on the phone. You know what I’m saying. It’s just a—” He took a shuddery breath, and Seung Hyun was filled with the urge to run down there again to comfort him in person. Well. Kick ass first, comfort later.

“There is something I need to tell you. Confess, I guess,” Junsu said.

“What?” Seung Hyun asked, wary.

“I miss you. I miss you so, so, so much.”

The honesty of the words were like a punch to Seung Hyun. Just when he’d thought he felt all he could for another person, there was Junsu, pushing him forward.

“I miss you too.” He cleared the odd lump in his throat. “I wish you were here.”

“Tomorrow, right?” Junsu said, and Seung Hyun was reminded that Junsu came back to town tomorrow, that tomorrow they would be going on their first official date. If planning for this stupid concert didn’t murder him first.

“Fuck yes tomorrow. You’re going to dress yourself up, I’m going to pick you up at your door, we’re going to go on that date, and then after, just to let you know, there isn’t going to be any ‘will they kiss’ BS. Baby, I’m going to romance the pants off you.”

Junsu laughed, a full Junsu-shaped laugh. One of those laughs where Seung Hyun could picture him, his eyes lit up, his mouth wide in a smile that was just for him.

“Seung Hyun-ah, you are such a sweet talker.”

 

***********

 

 **From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 3:05 April, 24** **  
** Guess who’s back in Seoul?

 

 **From** : **Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 3:15 April, 24** **  
** Who is this?

 

 **From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 3:19 April, 24** **  
** I’ll give you a hint.   
I’m a mega star.

 

 **From** : **Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 3:20 April, 22** **  
** Gonna have to narrow that down.   
Know lots of those.

 

 **From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 3:21 April, 24** **  
** How about this?   
I’m a devilishly attractive mega star.

 

 **From** : **Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 3:21 April, 24** **  
** Nope. Know lots of those too

 

 **From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 3:21 April, 24** **  
** >:(

 

 **From** : **Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 3:23 April, 24** **  
** If that’s a picture of urself   
I’d second guess that attractive thing.

 

 **From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 3:25 April, 24** **  
** How about this.   
I’m the mega star whose tongue WAS going to be down your throat tonight.   
Second guessing lots of things now.

 

 **From** : **Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 3:25 April, 24** **  
** JUNSU! Is that you? I’ve missed you!

 

 **From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 3:25 April, 24** **  
** Har.

 

 **From** : **Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 3:27 April, 24** **  
** Glad to have you home.   
Sorry. Can’t talk   
call you soon.

 

Junsu smiled down at his phone. It was so good to be back. Leo rushed his arm and head-butted him. He scooped him up and nuzzled his soft belly. “I’m sorry, I missed you guys too.” He closed his eyes and felt the warm purring against his face. After he got back home from a trip was the only time Mr. Leo would let him be so familiar and he reveled in those few…

“OW!” Reaching up, he gently removed Leo’s claws from the top of his head. “Give a guy some warning next time.” Sufficiently greeted, Leo hopped down and sauntered away.

Laying back on the couch, Junsu closed his eyes and contemplated his schedule. After the last few days he was backed up on so many meetings but all he wanted to do was lay here, maybe snuggle with a cat who didn’t hate him, and take a nap before he started preparing for his date with Seung Hyun tonight. Throwing his feet up onto the coffee table, he realized the nap needed to be bumped to the top of his list. He had a feeling he wasn’t going to be getting much sleep tonight.

He hoped.

The beeping of his phone woke him. Careful not to disturb the three cats who had found their way to his side while he was sleeping, he snatched up his phone. Not Seung Hyun.

He pouted and picked up anyway.

“Do you accept a collect call from…”

“YES!” Junsu squealed into the phone. “Jaejoongie!!!!”

“Whats up, Duckbutt?” Jaejoong laughed at him through the phone. “Miss me yet?”

“Haven’t had the chance with you calling me every other day.”

“Awww… come on, Duckbutt.”

“You know you’re going to have to pay me for these calls when you get out.”

“We’ll just consider it a down payment towards all the calls you’ll make when you get in here.”

Junsu laughed. Yep, there was a reason why Jaejoong was one of his favorite people. “How’s it going in there?”

“Basic training sucks balls. And not in the good way.” He let out a laugh of his own. “Speaking of sucking balls hows—”

“JAEJOONG! Watch your mouth,” Junsu gasped. “He is doing just fine. We’re going on our first date tonight.”

“Your first date? Haven’t you guys been together for months now? Do you need me and Yoochun to give you some pointers or something? For two dudes, you’re moving slow as fuck.”

“You don’t need to teach me anything. This is our first _official_ date.”

“Shit, Junsu, please tell me you didn’t tell him about the list. It’s like you have no game at all.”

“I’m sorry, which of us has a super hot boyfriend? Oh right, that’s me. I think my game is just fine.”

While it was true Jaejoong called so often he was beginning to know the operators by name, Junsu was happy to hear from him and was happy to hear that the military was almost agreeing with him. It made missing him just a little bit easier.

“Whatever. So your first date, huh? What base are you going to let him go to? Don’t forget to wrap it before you tap it.”

“Ugh. You are a walking cliché. I’m hanging up now. I have to get ready for my boooyyyfriend.” Junsu hauled himself off the couch. Looking at the time, he wasn’t wrong. If he wanted to do this properly (which he did), he should get started soon.

“I’m glad you’re happy Junsu,” Jaejoong said, his tone serious for once. “You deserve it.”

Junsu blinked back the unexpected tears. Yep, there was a reason Jaejoong was one of his favorite people. “Thanks.”

 

**********

 

After a long shower and a carefully chosen outfit assembled, donned, then removed and replaced with another… then another, Junsu was now ready. He looked in the mirror and smiled at his reflection. Oh yeah, Seung Hyun had one massively adorable and hot boyfriend. With a chuckle, he snapped off a picture and sent it to the man in question.

 

 **From** : **Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 6:23 April, 24**   
Are you ready for this amount of hottness?

 

 **From** : **Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 6:35 April, 24**   
Damn.

 

 **From** : **Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 6:37 April, 24**   
Thought so ;)   
When are you going to be done?

 

 **From** : **Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 6:52 April, 24**   
I mean no pressure.

 

 **From** : **Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 7:23 April, 24**   
Just let me know when you’re ready.

 

 **From** : **Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 8:32 April, 24**   
Ummm….did you forget about me? 

 

 **From** : **Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 9:08 April, 24**   
I didn’t forget about you.   
I’m so sorry, I’m going to be later than I thought.

 

 **From** : **Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 9:08 April, 24**   
This thing is so fucked up.

 

 **From** : **Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 9:13 April, 24** .   
It’s okay.   
we can reschedule if you want

 

 **From** : **Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 9:13 April, 24**   
NO!!!!!!   
Give me another hour

 

 **From** : **Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 9:14 April, 24** **  
** Just a while longer.   
I swear this is not me bailing.

 

 **From** : **Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 9:16 April, 24**   
You know that, right?

 

 **From** : **Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 9:20 April, 24** **  
** Junsu?

 

 **From** : **Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 9:23 April, 24**   
I’d call, but I’m in the middle of a fucking camera meeting   
Cameraman just fell in one of the holes on the stage.   


**From** : **Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 9:30 April, 24** **  
** I want to be with you.

 

 **From** : **Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 9:36 April, 24** .   
I know.


	28. Drop Ins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With Seung Hyun caught up at the arena, breaking their big date, Junsu decides to make the best of a bad situation.

Seung Hyun read the text he finally received from Junsu. While he was relieved to finally hear back from him, it didn’t do anything by way of making him feel any better, any less irritated, any less so over everything. All he needed right now was there to be yet another misunderstanding between them.

He turned back to the stage and the barely organized chaos which loomed over him. Chaos which, rather than getting better, seemed to be getting worse as the night went on. Of course, that’s probably because he wasn’t supposed to fucking be here tonight. He was supposed to be finally seeing Junsu again. To be able to touch him, to talk to him in person. To continue his campaign to show Junsu he was really all in on this relationship. Instead, it seemed like the exact opposite was happening. He scowled down at his phone.

“T.O.P! If I see you sighing at your phone one more time I’m gonna shove it up your ass. Now get over here and give us your opinion,” Ji Yong snapped at him.

“Like you’ve listened to any of my suggestions so far,” he snapped right back but shoved his phone deep into his pocket before joining Ji Yong and the rest of his band members.

Ten years. Ten fucking years they've been doing this, he thought. You’d think they’d have the whole thing down to a science by now. Instead, he was here, the whole thing was falling apart  — which was especially awesome considering they had a film crew documenting the entire fiasco. You know, because everything was better with a film crew up their asses. And now he had to accept the fact that he was going to be a no-show on his date with Junsu.

Fuck.

Damn It.

He ran his fingers through his hair, probably making the stupid hair style they’d chosen for his comeback look — if possible — even stupider. What was wrong with his hair? His hair was classic. His hair was hot. These dumb spikes? Dumb. And now Junsu was going to see him in this dumb hair. It’s like the universe was plotting to keep him dateless and alone.

“What I want to know,” he snapped, “is why all this is being done last fucking minute? It’s not like this concert was a big surprise was it?”

“Seung Hyun-hyung.” Daesung, ever the peacekeeper, moved next to him and tried to rub Seung Hyun’s arm soothingly. “It was organized. But this is our tenth-anniversary tour. This is the first night we’re going to be premiering ‘MADE.’ Our fans deserve everything to be perfect.”

Great. Now he felt like asshole. “Are you saying I want to have a shitty show, Daesung? I think what I’m saying is our fans deserved this to be all nailed down weeks ago rather than us just half-assing it tonight.” He took the final swig from his bottle of water then chucked it in the direction of the trash can. The bottle missed by a mile, and the room went silent as it crashed across the stage.

“Alright crew, let’s take a break. Go get something to eat, and come back ready to work,” the producer of the tour announced to the crowd.

The members stood stiffly as the crowd silently filtered out.

“Seung Hyun-ah.” Daesung was always the first one to speak, the first one to attempt to make peace. “Are you okay? This isn’t like you.”

Ji Yong held out his hand to Daesung and glowered at Seung Hyun. “I don’t care how you do it,” he said his voice low and dangerous, “who you have to call, but you go and remove whatever has crawled up your ass and come back ready to work after this break. None of us want to be here, Seung Hyun, we all have shit to do, but you don’t see the rest of us bitching about it.”

Ji Yong and Seung Hyun stared each other down. Finally, Seung Hyun nodded before spinning on his heel and stalking away.

He slammed through the doors, temper making his skin itch. Ji Yong was right. And that just made him even more irritated — he was by no means ready to let go of his frustration and buckle down to work. Which he needed to do, he admitted again, because Daesung was right too, this was a big concert for them and they were under a lot of pressure for it to be as perfect as it could be. BigBang didn’t stop just because he missed his boyfriend.

His boyfriend.

Another thing he had to admit to himself. There was no way he was going to make it tonight. He needed to man up and admit it to Junsu too. Maybe then he could focus on getting this shit done before the concert actually started tomorrow.

With a sigh, he ducked into the administration wing and into one of the empty offices, closing the door tightly behind him.

The phone rang and rang and rang before finally going to Junsu’s voicemail. This was not good. Was Junsu so mad at him that he wasn’t answering the phone? He kicked at the empty trash in the corner.

Suddenly, his phone rang in his hand.

“Junsu?”

“… hi,” Junsu said, his voice subdued. “Sorry I missed your call, Leo was sleeping on me, and I couldn’t get up in time.”

Despite himself, Seung Hyun smiled. “It’s okay.”

“You’re not coming, are you?” Junsu said, all the disappointment Seung Hyun had dreaded causing was right there in his voice. Was he going to spend this entire relationship disappointing this man?

Seung Hyun sighed. “No, I’m so, so, so sorry. I swear, I want to be there. I booked the restaurant. I even have fucking flowers in my car for you. I just… can’t make it.”

“You bought me flowers?” Junsu asked.

“We’re going on a date, aren’t we? I’m not an expert, but I’m pretty sure that’s what you do.” He thought about it for a minute. “Unless you don’t, because we’re both guys. Then there are no flowers.”

“What kind of flowers?” Junsu asked.

“Uhhh… I don’t know flowers,” he said, trying to think back to this morning when, sitting in traffic he had looked over and noticed they were stuck in front of a flower shop and the idea had struck him. “They are pink. What flowers are pink?”

“You bought me pink flowers?” Junsu said, his voice softening.

“Yeah, well, they were pretty. Like you.”

Junsu laughed. “ _The_ T.O.P stopped and bought his boyfriend pink flowers for their date tonight. You’re making it very hard for me to be upset with you right now.”

“You shouldn’t be upset with me,” he said quickly. “Okay. I can see why you might want to be, but it’s not my fault. I would give my left nut to be with you right now instead of this fucking place.”

“Is it really that bad?” Junsu asked. “Hasn’t this concert been on the books for a while now? Did you guys just forget it was happening?”

“That’s what I said!” Seung Hyun exclaimed, glad that someone finally got it. “Apparently we were set but then we got here and everything needs to be changed. I have a feeling I’m not going to be going home at all tonight.”

“You need to get your rest before a concert, Seung Hyun-ah,” Junsu said, his voice filled with concern. Seung Hyun closed his eyes and just let the sound of Junsu’s voice, the sound of his concern wash over him like an orange scented balm.

“So not going to happen tonight. I’ll be lucky if food happens today,” he sighed, his stomach growling a little now that he’d acknowledged it.

“You haven’t eaten? Since when? Seung Hyun, we’ve talked about this.” Crap. He shouldn’t have said that. He’d forgotten Junsu’s pathological need to take care of him — as adorable as it was.

“It’s my own fault. They brought in food earlier, but I wanted to wait for our date.” The non-existent date now. God, he was regretting passing up that pizza.

“You passed up food? For me?” Junsu said. Seung Hyun could tell Junsu couldn’t decide whether to be flattered or irritated with him for giving up on food.

“It was pizza, it wasn’t like they brought in some fancy chef. I’m fine. I’ll order in some food for the next break.”

“When is your next break?” Junsu asked.

“Probably in a couple of hours, this one is apparently a pity break so I could call you and — as Ji Yong called it ‘Get my head out of my ass,’” he chuckled. He had to admit, yes, after talking with Junsu, he was feeling better. Well, he was still bitter about missing out on their date, but he no longer wanted to murder anyone who crossed his path.

“So, Ji Yong is really okay with me? I kind of can’t believe he’s so cool with it.”

“Eh. It’s Ji Yong. It totally wouldn’t surprise me if he didn’t have some male skeletons in his closet.”

“… so, it would be okay for me to come by sometime? Like when you’re working?”

Seung Hyun shrugged. “If you want to.”

“Oh. Okay. So, we’ll reschedule our date?” Junsu asked.

“Hell yeah, we will. Breakfast tomorrow? We can take a look at our schedules.”

“Let’s just say the next time we see each other we’ll work out the date thing. You’re going to be up all night, I’d rather you go home and go to bed tomorrow morning.”

“… so…” Seung Hyun fiddled with a paperweight he found on the desk. Tossing it from hand to hand.

“What?”

He had to ask despite the words sticking to his tongue. “Are you still upset with me?”

“I wasn’t upset with you,” Junsu said.

“Junsu.”

“I swear! I wasn’t upset with you,” he said. “I… disappointed. Not with you! With the situation. I was just looking forward to seeing your shmushy face.”

“I was looking forward to it too, Junsu.” Seung Hyun felt the need to point out to him. He felt the need to remind Junsu that he was here for him. For them. “I still am.”

There was a hesitant knock on the door. “T.O.P-shi, you’re needed on the stage,” a nervous-sounding PA called out.

“Sounds like you have to go,” Junsu said, his voice disappointed.

Seung Hyun scrubbed his fingers through his hair again. He was not ready to break the connection, but he had a lot of work to do — and apparently a lot of people to apologize to before the night was over. “Yeah, I gotta go. But maybe… I can call you when we go on break?”

“Sure. I’ll be there when you call.”

Neither made a move to hang up, and Seung Hyun was pleased that Junsu was feeling the same as him. However, not to be a girl, but he wasn’t going to be the one who hung up on Junsu.

There was loud bang on the door. “Tell someone goodbye and get your ass out here, Seung Hyun,” Ji Yong shouted through the door.  

“Sooooomebody’s in trooouble,” Junsu sang out. “It sounds like Ji Yong is ready to straight up murder you.”

Seung Hyun shuddered at the thought of going back out there. “Yeah. I might have… taken out my frustration on everyone out there.”

“Then hang up and go apologize. I’ll talk to you later,” Junsu said primly.

“Fine,” Seung Hyun grumbled and got off the desk he’d perched himself on. “Have a good night, Junsu-yah.”   

“And don’t go giving away your nuts, Seung Hyun-ah, I have plans for those,” Junsu said with a giggle before hanging up.

 

**********

 

Junsu studied the stadium in front of him, suddenly feeling a little unsure of himself. Was it presumptuous for him to just come by? Would he distract Seung Hyun from his work? Would he appear silly or clingy? Ugh. Being a boyfriend was a lot harder than he had originally anticipated.

Well, he was here now, so there was no sense in him turning back. Seung Hyun needed food, and whether he liked it or not, Junsu was going to make sure that he ate.

He _had_ been disappointed their date had fallen through, it was one of the few things which had gotten him through these crappy few days. Unfortunately, his go to reaction was still that Seung Hyun ditched him and ran away, and he’d reacted accordingly. He was going to have to get over that. Hopefully.

But that was something to think of another night. Seung Hyun needed him, and as he once told Seung Hyun, as top stars, they were going to have to get used to being a little creative in order to get time together into their schedules.

 

***********

 

Proud of himself, Junsu managed to easily bypass security (his boyfriend wasn’t the only one who had connections) and wove his way through the stadium. Studying the stage, he easily found Seung Hyun amongst all of the milling staff. Seung Hyun was so tall and striking, he was like a beacon, making those around him pale in comparison. Seeing him there in front of him, finally, made something loosen in Junsu’s chest that he hadn’t realized had been there. He breathed a little easier and smiled at the happiness that washed over him. They were in the same room together.

Gah! He sounded like a besotted idiot, he realized.

Watching Seung Hyun concentrating on whatever it was they were working on, Junsu also realized he didn’t really care how idiotic he was. He was there, Seung Hyun was there, there were pink flowers in a car somewhere — idiotic happy was not the worst place to be.

Deciding to sit out of the way until break was announced, Junsu watched as the group bickered and out-and-out fought their way through arranging the concert. It was interesting, being on this side of the fence as he remembered many a night when he, Yoochun, and Jaejoong did the same thing.

Probably with less shouting and curse words though.

His boyfriend did have a mouth on him, he thought fondly. Luckily, it didn’t seem in actual bad temper and everyone took it in stride, Daesung walked over to him and wrapped his arms around the irritated idol. Junsu had to remind himself not to be irritated himself that someone else was able to touch Seung Hyun.

On stage, Seungri made some sort of comment that had the team laughing. Ji Yong stretched, bent, and twisted his small skinny frame, and looking out over the empty floor, caught sight of Junsu sitting in the first row of seats. He paused, and Junsu’s breath caught. Seung Hyun had said that Ji Yong was cool with him, was okay with _them_. But was that just something Seung Hyun had said to try to make him feel better? Or did Ji Yong realize how stalker-y it was for him to be here right now?

The two men studied each other for a moment and then Ji Yong nodded and gave him a slight smile before turning back to the group. “Hey, guys! How about we take that dinner break?” he said loud enough for Junsu to hear it in the first row. Everyone turned to him in surprise. “Are you sure?” Taeyang said. “Isn’t it better if we just keep working?”

“We have a visitor,” Ji Yong said and gestured towards Junsu. When everyone turned towards him, Junsu became awkward and gave them a slight smile and wave.

“Hello, BigBang.”

He locked eyes with Seung Hyun, studying him to see if there was any sort of reaction to his unexpected visit. He was relieved to see nothing but a stunned happiness there. Happy. Junsu could deal with happy. Then the man was in motion, leaping down from the stage in a move which made Junsu’s heart lurch — but he hit the ground without a problem and jogged over to him.

“Is that Junsu?” Seungri asked, excited. “What is Junsu doing here?”

However, the only one Junsu paid any attention to was Seung Hyun, who had his laser-focus on him. Junsu grinned shyly when Seung Hyun got closer. He braced his arms on the partition in front of him and leaned down.

“Hi,” Junsu said, beaming down at him.

“Hi.” Seung Hyun rested his own hands on the partition and smiled back up. They spent a minute just stupidly grinning at each other. “What are you doing here?”

“I brought you food,” he said, gesturing to the giant picnic basket at his feet. “Are you mad?”

“Are you serious?”

“Well, I did kind of just show up in front of everyone. You are busy. And you shouldn’t be distracted.” All reasons which had come up when he’d been trying to convince himself what a bad idea this was.

Seung Hyun made a move to reach for Junsu’s hand, but just in time remembered where they were and dodged at last minute, placing his palm down on the partition which divided them where it casually touched Junsu’s hand. He could feel the tiny little sparks that tiny little contact created in him.

“Don’t be silly. This is amazing. You brought me food?”

“Yeah, well, you said you hadn’t eaten, and you know how that bothers me.”

“You brought me food.” He said it like he couldn’t believe it. Which was silly. Seung Hyun said he was hungry — of course, Junsu would bring food.

“I did. Well. I probably brought enough for you and the rest of your members.” Junsu looked down at the basket, which was so heavy he’d thought he’d have to ask for assistance getting it through the stadium. “And possibly everyone else who’s here.”

“You brought me food.” Seung Hyun grinned up at Junsu, and he could feel his heart do a little flip in his chest.

Junsu smiled. “You bought me pink flowers. It was the least I could do.”

“Junsu!” Daesung called out from the stage. “What are you doing here?”

“Did Seung Hyun ask you about the soccer team?” Seungri shouted. “You wanted to see me in action?”

Junsu looked at Seung Hyun who just rolled his eye before turning around.

“Guys. I want you to meet my friend, Junsu.”


	29. Strange, I barely Know You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was BigBang. Right there in front of him, but before he can enjoy himself, Junsu must face off with Ji Yong. Will he give them his blessing or will he go all big bad Kdrama mama on Junsu?

 

The members of BigBang, who all looked just as tired as Seung Hyun did, hurried over to them. Well, most of them hurried. Ji Yong sauntered behind them, the definition of cool. Junsu could feel the man’s eyes on him, watching, gauging Junsu, his gaze intense and serious. Junsu squeaked and yanked his hand away from Seung Hyun’s, taking a step back until his legs bumped into the folded seat behind him. 

He’d smiled at him, right? That meant they were cool? Right? He’d told Seung Hyun he was okay with them, right? Unless… unless he just said he was cool in order to lull Seung Hyun into a false sense of security until he could get Junsu alone in order to tell him he wasn’t worthy of Seung Hyun and he’d better break up with him — tossing a pile of money at him in order to make him disappear from Seung Hyun’s life….

Okay, so that might have been the plot of some drama. 

Not to mention the fact that he was fairly certain he had just as much money as Ji Yong, if not more. But Junsu knew it was important for their future for Seung Hyun’s band members to like him.

_ Yes, because Yoochun was a giant fan of Seung Hyun.  _

Exactly. Seung Hyun and Yoochun not getting along was one of the hardest things for him to come to terms with. Yes, Yoochun may say he was trying to accept them, but it wasn’t the same as having his full support or blessing. And, since the guys were the only part of his family who knew about him, knew about them — it didn’t sit right not having their full support. 

“Since when are you guys friends?” Taeyang demanded. “Wasn’t it just like yesterday that you were asking us who he was?” 

Junsu took his eyes off Ji Yong and glared at Seung Hyun. “Umm… when was this?” 

“Hyung! We saw you at the musical benefit. Seung Hyun Hyung couldn’t take his eyes off you. He was all…” Daesung leaned over at the waist, stuck his hands under his chin and gaped open his mouth, looking at Junsu wide-eyed and unblinking. 

“I did no such thing!” Seung Hyun reached over and caught Daesung around the neck in a headlock. “Take it back!” 

“You did! I saw it too!” Seungri laughed, pointing at him. “I’d just add a little drool to the side of your mouth, Daesung, that’s what you’re missing.” 

Quickly, Seung Hyun’s arm whipped out and snatched a still laughing Seungri’s wrist and yanked him into a matching headlock. “I did not drool!” 

Junsu couldn’t help but laugh at the antics of the three. The whining of Daesung, the exaggerated choking noises from Seungri, and the laughter of Seung Hyun. They all scrambled and kicked and hit at each other, just managing to spin themselves into some sort of circle around the floor, not pausing when Taeyang joined the fray by leaping onto Seung Hyun’s back, riding him like a pony. 

And this was the group he’d idealized for so long? 

“We’re all a little punchy.” Junsu, startled, looked down to see Ji Yong next to him leaning his back against the partition, watching as his bandmates had fun with each other. 

“Literally, I see.” 

Ji Yong watched as Seungri landed an awkward series of rabbit punches to Seung Hyun’s side and nodded with an indulgent chuckle. “I guess you’re right.” He circled the partition and came to sit in the low seat next to Junsu. 

Junsu went quiet, unsure of what to say. He’d never been in this position before, someone finding out about his sexuality who he hadn’t decided — agonized over — telling first. While he completely understood why Seung Hyun had decided to tell, had felt the need to share with his friend and leader what was going on in his life, part of Junsu was nervous, scared for what this meant for him, having someone outside his sphere of influence with such important, life changing information. 

“Chill, Junsu. It’s cool.” 

“What?” Junsu’s eyes widened, and he was pretty sure his heart stopped beating in his chest. 

“What, what? You. Seung Hyun.” Ji Yong turned to look at Junsu, his gaze serious — more serious than his words. 

“Why?” Junsu surprised himself with the word that left his mouth. Of all the things he could say, all the things that flew around in his head, ‘why’ was all he could come up with? 

“You want me to have an issue with it?” 

“No!” he burst out. “I just, I don’t know…” His thoughts tumbled in his brain and he rubbed the back of his neck in flustered and embarrassed. “I just expected you to be upset. It’s not like being gay is really accepted here.” 

“This isn’t like some Joseon drama. It’s the 21st century. Dudes like dudes. Whatever.” 

Ji Yong scrunched low in the seat and kicked his legs up, bracing them on the wall in front of him. Studying him, Junsu still had trouble wrapping his brain the fact that not only was Ji Yong seemingly accepting his longtime, formerly straight friend getting together with another guy but was so matter-of-fact about the whole thing, blowing it off as if it didn’t matter at all. That it was totally normal. 

Well. It was normal. 

God. Now he was turning himself around. 

“Aren’t you afraid of what will happen to the band if gets found out?” Junsu asked. 

Shrugging one of his delicate shoulders, the wide neck t-shirt he wore slipping down over his shoulder, Ji Yong paused a minute before answering. “Nah.”

“Liar!” Junsu burst out. 

Even his band-brothers continually warned him, asked him to be careful, reminded him that what he did reflected on the band as a whole. And if those who were closest to him were concerned, then it was something to be concerned about.

“We could lose everything. We could make you lose everything.”

The familiar churning in his stomach kicked up a notch, and his eyes searched out Seung Hyun for reassurance, a reminder that maybe it was worth the terrible risk — and found him now on the floor being sat on by a pair of cackling bandmates. 

“I’m not saying it wouldn’t suck for the band. As the leader, I can’t say that. But, Junsu.” He paused, scratching his hand against the back of his head. “Ugh, I feel like such a girl for saying this. You make him happy.” 

“I do?” Junsu asked, unable to keep the wonder out of the sound of his voice as he looked at Ji Yong in partial disbelief. “We’ve been… pretty awful to each other.” Yes, Seung Hyun was responsible for most of that, but Junsu figured he’d keep that to himself. 

“Come on — who do you think you’re shitting? I wasn’t even there, and I’m pretty fucking certain who was awful to who.” Junsu couldn’t help but laugh out loud at Ji Yong’s pointed look. “Seung Hyun is a stubborn asshole.” 

“He’s not!” Junsu burst out, filled with the need to jump to his boyfriend’s defense. “He’s wonderful and smart and so talented and —”

“And a stubborn asshole who lashes out when he’s frustrated,” Ji Yong pointed out. “It’s kind of his thing.” 

Junsu opened his mouth to speak and then shut it again. Ji Yong was right. As much as he loved Seung Hyun, there were those parts of him lurking beneath the hotter-than-fudge outer shell. 

“He’s also loyal as fuck. He has a big heart and feels things more than I think most of us understand. He’s so hard on himself that he digs himself into a hole he has trouble getting himself out of. You helped him.”

“I did?”

“You know how worried we were about him?” Ji Yong asked. “He wasn’t writing anything. He wasn’t sleeping. He wasn’t eating. Honestly, we were thinking he wasn’t going to be able to do the album. Then, one day?” 

“One day?”

“One day he just started writing again. He smiled. It was like nothing had ever happened. That was you. You dragged him out of that hole.” 

“I did?”

“It certainly wasn’t my bitching that did it. No, it was you, Junsu. And my friend is way more important than some fucking band.” 

Junsu sniffed, blinking back the tears which had somehow found their way to his eyes. Unable to resist, he threw his arms around Ji Yong’s shoulders and squeezed him hard. “G-Dragon is the best!” 

“Hey!” Seung Hyun called out, his voice strained, probably from the fact that Daesung was still sitting on his shoulders. 

Junsu giggled looking at the handsome star as he lay sprawled, squashed to the floor, all vestiges of cool and unapproachable lost, and his heart skipped a little dumb beat. “Well. Second best.”

**********

Finally, let up from where he’d been ground into the dirty floor of the concert hall by bandmates who he would be dealing with at a later date, Seung Hyun hurried back to where he had left Junsu. Now deep in discussion with the lead troublemaker of the group, Ji Yong. If he irritated Junsu in any way, Ji Yong had best prepare himself for a dose of whatever it was that was coming Seungri and Daesung’s way.

Still unable to believe Junsu was actually here, Seung Hyun studied him. He’d changed out of the suit he’d worn in the selca he’d sent him a few hours ago, a selca Seung Hyun’d stolen glances at more times than he’d like to admit. Now he wore a fitted leather jacket over one of those low cut t-shirts which bared skin and teased collarbones. A low-cut t-shirt Seung Hyun was fairly certain was created for the sole purpose of driving him crazy. Part of his face was obscured by a face mask pulled down over his chin so he could talk freely to Ji Yong. For someone who had been on the road for three days with an entire soccer team, had a mini-scandal, and was then stood up by his stupid fuck of a boyfriend, he shone in the darkened room. Just watching him talk and smile, making friends with Ji Yong, it began to drain the tired, the frustration out of Seung Hyun’s system. 

“Hey Junsu!” he called out. “Are you here to talk to me or are you here to let Ji Yong chew your ear off?” Okay, so it was nice for his friends to make friends with Junsu, but that didn’t mean he didn’t still want all that attention to himself. 

“The man who forgot about me probably shouldn’t be the one wearing the sassy pants,” Junsu said, smiling at him. Seung Hyun studied him, and despite the words, couldn’t find any real irritation or heat in them. Still, though, he was determined to do something big to make up for his newest blunder. 

“I’m way too pretty for anyone to be mad at for long,” Seung Hyun said, stopping directly in front of Junsu, giving him an eyebrow wiggle. 

Junsu sighed. “If only the real world worked like the inside of your head. You, my friend, are lucky I’m still speaking to you, let alone hauling my butt out of my nice warm house — with snacks.”

“Snacks? You brought snacks?” Seungri asked, looking over the partition, trying to see what Junsu had brought. 

“Who said he was sharing, you small, perverted man. Get away from Junsu before you taint him.”

“Hey!” Seungri jabbed him in the side with his sharp elbow. “I’m trying to get on his soccer team, don’t ruin it for me.”

“You play soccer?” Junsu asked eagerly.

“Ugh. Don’t get me started,” Seung Hyun groaned. “He’s been bugging me about your soccer team for weeks now. Do me a favor and tell him you don’t need the likes of him messing up your team.” 

“Ignore this tall, ugly man,” Seungri said, bumping Seung Hyun out of the way so he could stand in front of Junsu. “I’m like a star soccer player. Your team totally needs me.” 

“My team needs you, does it?” Junsu said, making a face. “Have you seen our record? We seem to be muddling along pretty well without you.” 

“Yes! I’m great at soccer.” He mimed kicking a ball, then dribbling the imaginary ball on his knees before giving it a giant head bump, taking a celebratory whoop to celebrate his obvious score. “Plus, I’m a huge star, I’d really bring in the fangirls.” 

“You mean, even more popular than me?” Junsu asked with a cock of his head and an arch of his own eyebrow which both made Seung Hyun proud and a little turned on. 

“YES!” Finally, it seemed that Seungri’s brain caught up with his mouth and froze, his mouth gaping open. “I mean no, no, not like you! Different from you! I mean, yes I’m younger, but you’re still really popular. And I mean, I’ve seen you play! You’re good. Totally not bad.”

Junsu snuck a look at Seung Hyun, unable to hide the look of ‘what the fuck?’ from his face. 

Ji Yong rolled his eyes, used to the antics of their youngest. “Seungri, I’m sure Junsu didn’t come here to listen to you shove your foot in your mouth, so maybe you should shut it before I shove mine up your—”

Junsu burst out laughing, a loud peal of laughter, interrupting Ji Yong and causing everyone to look at him. He laughed hard, holding his stomach until tears fell down his cheeks. They all watched him, confused. 

“I can’t believe,” Junsu said breathlessly, trying hard to get the words out, “I’ve been so obsessed with you guys. I thought you were so cool.” He wiped at the tears in his eyes. 

“Hey! We’re cool!” Taeyang said. 

“Says the guy who was just rubbing his butt on Seung Hyun’s head. Sure. Totally cool.” That set him off laughing again, slouching down low in his seat. 

“Sure. These guys aren’t cool, but me? I’m sure you know I’m the coolest,” Seung Hyun said, unable to help the grin spreading over his face as he watched Junsu practically melt down in front of him, light and happy. 

“YOU?” Struggling he pulled his phone out of his pocket and hit a few buttons before turning it around to show the group. “Yes, you are the coolest of the bunch.” 

Stepping closer, Seung Hyun realized he was looking at a picture of himself, sprawled on the ground, with Daesung and Seungri sitting proudly, giving the V sign to the camera, while Taeyang shook his ass in his face. He lunged to Junsu in an attempt to grab the phone from him. 

“Give that to me!” 

For someone who, moments ago, had trouble holding himself upright from all the laughing, Junsu moved fast, wiping the phone out of reach. “

“Nope. I’ll just be saving this for a special occasion.” 

Seung Hyun braced his hands on the top of the partition and launched himself over the edge, tumbling straight into Junsu. He clambered to get his feet under him, reaching for the phone Junsu held high over his head. “Give me the phone.”

Junsu squirmed beneath him, laughing and breathing hard. “NO!” His face contorted in concentration as he struggled to keep the phone away from Seung Hyun. “I’m going to put it out on all the fan cafes. Nooo… I’m going to send it to  _ Dispatch _ !” He squealed with laughter as Seung Hyun tried a different tactic, digging his fingers into Junsu’s side, tickling him lightly, making him twist and SQUIRM. “Everyone should know…” he panted. “Everyone should know just how cool you really are.” 

With a hearty yank, Junsu twisted away from him and shoved his phone down into his pants then held his now empty hands up with an impish ‘what are you going to do about it’ look. Seung Hyun felt a flush, which had nothing to do with his exertion come over him. He slowed and stared Junsu in the eye. He watched as the look of victorious glee faded from Junsu’s eyes, replaced with a tentative confusion. It was Seung Hyun’s turn to smile, the predatory half smile of a hunter who has his prey in his sights. Junsu’s eyes widened and his cheeks flushed, his full lips, those same lips whose memory had taunted him the last few days, parted and his tongue darted out, nervously licking. 

Only the last minute realization of where they were, of who was around them, stopped him from swooping in and claiming those lips as his once more, of finally giving Junsu a proper hello, the hello he’d been planning since saying goodbye to Junsu three days ago. Since before that, considering the last time they had met was at a public restaurant, where the only physical contact he’d had was a quick hand squeeze as Junsu had climbed into his manager's car. 

Soon, he promised himself, and with a hot smile, promised Junsu. Soon.


	30. Best of Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The night before the first BigBang Made concert is a mess, but Junsu manages to make things better.

Stomach full with the absolute feast Junsu had brought for them, Seung Hyun was pleased it hadn’t taken much to make sure he stayed around with them. Junsu had been worried that he’d get in the way or distract them from their work, adding to an already late night, but Seung Hyun figured, fuck it, if he had to be here, he might as well be as happy as possible while doing so. And despite the irritated looks from the director, the rest of his friends felt so too. Plus, it wasn’t long before they all realized that having Junsu was a real asset. He’d been through all this before, both with JYJ and his own solo concerts. He was intimately acquainted with how things ran, how to make things look good, how to bring the best out of people. Where just an hour before Seung Hyun had caught the director giving them all an eye-roll for allowing their friend to hang around on set, a distraction, Seung Hyun actually saw him consult Junsu on a lighting concept. 

Which oddly filled Seung Hyun with a sense of pride. 

Standing with the wardrobe mistress as she pinned the last of the Mondrian+6 suit he planned to wear for his “Doom Dada” solo, he watched as Junsu ran through some of the choreography with Taeyang, Seungri, and the backup dancers. Laughing,  he caught onto the new dance moves easily and matched, move for move, the ones who had been perfecting it for weeks now.  The music suddenly stopped, the guys continued on for a few steps before collapsing on the ground. 

“Junsu, are you sure about that last turn?” Seungri asked. “Don’t you think I should take it back to the original?” 

“Whatever, Seungri,” Taeyang panted. “You just want to rub up on Ji Yoo. Junsu’s right, the last spin is the best way to go, it gets us right back on the lighting mark in time for Ji Yong’s part.” 

“You guys don’t want me to have any fun,” Seungri pouted. “But I guess you’re right.” 

Junsu flipped over to his stomach resting his chin on his folded arms. A while back he had lost the leather jacket, and his light t-shirt was drenched in sweat — and now dirt, as he rolled on the floor — all vestiges of top star melted away. Still studying him, Seung Hyun watched as Junsu caught the bottle of water one of the backup dancers tossed to him, as he pushed himself up and chugged the water, his Adam's apple moved along his neck with every swallow. Managing to finish the entire bottle, Junsu put the empty container on the floor next to him, before his eyes began scanning the room, looking, Seung Hyun knew, for him. 

Their eyes connected, and they shared a small hot look between them. Seung Hyun couldn’t help it, watching Junsu move like that caused an immediate reaction in his system. Junsu was the first to look away, ducking his head, his cheeks pinked, not entirely from the exertion of the dance, causing Seung Hyun to grin again. Yes, he could no longer regret where their evening had gone. Seeing Junsu, like this, in his element, making friends with his friends, was going to be something he wouldn’t forget. 

When Junsu shyly looked up again, Seung Hyun gestured down to the brightly colored abstract suit which was, at this moment, held on entirely by pins. He’d worry about it being ready for tomorrow's concert, but he’d been with his wardrobe noona for a long time and had seen her pull off many a miracle. She’d get it done in time, and if Junsu’s reaction was any indication, he’d look good while doing it. 

Ji Yong called out to him, and being given the okay, he slipped out of the suit jacket and walked over to see if he could help solve the next problem. 

 

**********

Junsu found a pair of chairs in the wings of the stage, exhaustion from the day slipping over him. He turned the chairs to face each other and sat on one while putting his feet up on another. They’d been working for hours now, and from the looks of it, he wasn’t the only one feeling the burn. Ji Yong and his need to have everything perfect, seemed to be the only one left buzzing around the stage. Junsu wasn’t sure how he was able to do it — the man made him tired just watching him. Over in the stands, Taeyang and Daesung curled up next to each other in chairs, and Junsu couldn’t resist tugging his phone out of his jeans and snapping a photo. Seungri hadn’t even made it to a chair, but instead lay where he last fell, sprawled right on the stage floor. 

_ What the heck _ , he figured and snapped another picture. 

Adorable documentation complete, Junsu slipped his phone back into his pocket before tipping his head back to rest on the edge of the chair. He closed his eyes, fairly certain he could fall asleep for a million days right here. 

It had been nice seeing Seung Hyun work, there was a tiny thrill watching his favorite band working so hard, determined to give their fans the best experience they could, down to the smallest detail. They may goof around and act like a bunch of adolescents sometimes, but when it came down to business, they were nothing but serious, just like he, Jaejoong, and Yoochun were. 

Suddenly, he missed his brothers, his bandmates. While he realized military service was hardest on them, it wasn’t easy being the only one left. That he couldn’t just pick up the phone and have them be there. He resolved to write them both a letter when he got home. 

Well. Maybe once he could get his fingers to work again. 

He snuggled into the metal folding chair, or snuggled in as much as one could snuggle into a terribly uncomfortable, wobbly, cold chair. Sleep, he reminded himself. A little nap. Then he could get up and help Seung Hyun again. 

The band, he meant. Help the band, he reminded himself before finally drifting off into sleep. 

“Junsu, baby, go home.” The voice was soft and low, whispered into his ear. Junsu shifted in the chair, wrinkling up his face in displeasure at the attempt to wake him. 

“Go ’way,” he mumbled. “Sleeping.” 

This time the voice was followed by a hand, a hand warm and soft, taking his. “You’ll sleep much better in your bed.” 

“I’ll sleep much better in your bed,” he muttered, using his free hand to attempt to rub the tired out of his eyes. He opened them to see Seung Hyun kneeling beside him, rubbing Junsu’s hand between both of his. He coughed, realizing what he said. “I mean. Are you done yet?” 

Seung Hyun shook his head. “No, we still have some work left to do.” 

“Then I’m staying too,” Junsu said, struggling to sit upright in the chair. Unfortunately, in the time he’d been sleeping, his body had decided to betray him and every muscle ached and burned. The chair squeaked as he rose, his feet tangled in the back of it. 

Shaking his head again, Seung Hyun smiled lightly at him. “No baby, you’ve done enough. I want you to go home and get some rest.” 

“Did I really help you?” he asked.

“So much. Everyone thinks so, and if they were awake they’d thank you too.” 

“If everyone’s sleeping why can’t you just go home?” Junsu asked. “You have concert tomorrow.” He looked at his watch. “I mean today. Go home. Get some rest. Start fresh in the morning.” 

“I will soon. We just have a few more things to do. Just some recordings for the movie and then we’ll wrap it up.” 

YG had decided to capitalize on the release of the MADE album by creating a making-of documentary. Seung Hyun explained they planned to release it in theaters sometime next year. Today was their first day of allowing the cameras behind the scenes, which was part of the reason why the night took so long, each member being pulled aside for interviews, parts of the ‘action’ being reenacted if the camera missed it. Junsu had spent most his time attempting to duck the cameras and directors. As he spotted a few SM staff amongst the crew, he realized he didn’t have any need to worry about being on camera. An uncomfortable nod between them and he went about his business. Junsu had decided it was best to keep that to himself. After how Seung Hyun had reacted to what had happened at the flower show, who knew what he would do if he knew Junsu was about to be slighted on his own turf. 

It was a bright spot in a pretty crappy situation. Speaking to Seung Hyun when he was upset, hearing just how far he was willing to go to make the situation right, to protect Junsu, had been enough to drag him out of the worst of his dark mood. He may miss his brother-bandmates, but it warmed him down to his toes to realize he still had someone in his corner. 

Sure. Warmed him. He was hot as hell. 

The sound of Seung Hyun’s voice, the anger directed at those who had dared wrong him, Junsu was sure he wasn’t supposed to be turned on by something like that. It wasn’t like he  _ couldn’t  _ fight his own battles, but having Seung Hyun there, after all this time, lord, he had wanted to rush right home and jump him. 

An uncontrollable yawn dragged up from his belly and out causing Seung Hyun to laugh at him. Standing up, Seung Hyun tugged on Junsu’s arm. “Yep, that’s what I thought. Time for you to go home.” 

“But I want to stay here — with you,” he protested before his body defied him and he yawned again. 

“And I want you to go home, get some rest.” Still holding his hand firmly in his, Seung Hyun tugged Junsu along after him. “I called my car for you. I don’t want you driving when you’re so sleepy.” 

Stopping at the corner of the stage, he picked up the picnic basket and Junsu’s leather coat. “Everyone, say goodnight, Junsu’s going home.” 

“Why does he get to go home and we don’t?” Seungri protested from where he lay on the stage. “BIAS! You like him more than you do me, don’t you?” 

“One, yes I do. Two, he’s not actually in the band, so he can leave whenever he wants,” Seung Hyun retorted. 

“Wait!” Seungri jumped up. Junsu envied the energy the guy had. “What do you say Junsu, can I try out for your team?” 

Junsu, unable to resist, laughed at him. “We may have someone leaving for military service soon, get Seung Hyun to give you my number and we’ll set up a tryout.” 

“Nope,” Seung Hyun said flatly.

“Whhhhyyy?” Seungri whined. “Why can’t I try out for his team?” 

“I’m not giving you Junsu’s number. Who knows what you’ll do with that sort of information. Junsu will give me the date, I’ll give it to you.” 

Seungri thought about it, looked like he was going to be annoyed, but then shrugged. “Whatever. So long as I get on the team.” 

“A tryout does not mean you are on the team, Seungri,” Junsu warned. “We actually take our games seriously, so just being a star isn’t enough to get on.” 

“Don’t you worry about it, I’m top star material on stage  _ and  _ on the field.” Seungri gave another imaginary preview of his soccer prowess. Junsu felt the rest of his energy slip away just watching him. Maybe going home to a real bed wasn’t such a bad thing. He looked up at Seung Hyun. “I’m ready to go now.” 

Instantly, Seung Hyun became serious and turned his back to Junsu. “Hop on.” 

Junsu slapped him gently on the back. “I’m not some drama heroine. I can get to the car on my own.” 

The rest of the band muttered their goodbyes, either too tired, or in the case of Ji Yong, too preoccupied with what he was doing, to pay much attention. They slipped through the empty hallways, Seung Hyun carrying the empty picnic basket and Junsu’s coat in one hand, resolutely holding Junsu’s hand with the other. 

“Are you sure you should be holding my hand?” Junsu asked. 

“What? Friends hold hands. You should see my dad and his best friend after they’ve been drinking, they do pretty much everything but skip down the street together.” 

Junsu smiled at the thought of it, secretly hoping that someday he could meet Seung Hyun’s father and his best friend, be close enough to the family to see the two together after a night of drinking. He shook his head. Best not get greedy, he thought. For now, he had Seung Hyun. And that was enough. 

At the side door of the stadium, a low, black car with its motor quietly humming waited for them. A man in a dark suit and a bright white, crisply pressed suit coat jumped out of the car and rushed around to meet them. Seung Hyun handed him the picnic basket, and after the man tucked it into the trunk, he gestured the driver to get back into the car. “Thanks Hyung, I have it from here.” The man gave a curt bow and climbed back into the driver's seat, closing the door firmly behind him. 

He turned to Junsu. “We always seem to be leaving like this,” he said, gesturing to the audience they had in the car. “Thank you for tonight.” 

“It was nothing, I was happy to help.” 

Seung Hyun shook his head. “Not just the help. Coming here. Caring enough to bring me food. Putting up with the idiots I call band members. For forgiving me for not being there tonight.” 

Junsu squeezed his hand. “It’s okay, I understand.” 

“It’s not okay. I know how much you were looking forward—”

“No,” Junsu interrupted. “No, I was looking forward to being with you. And I was. I’m good.” 

“You are good,” Seung Hyun said, raising his hand as if to touch Junsu’s cheek before remembering that they were out in a public area where anyone could come by at any time and, regretfully, he let his hand fall back down to his side. “Amazing even. And I promise, I will make it up to you.” 

“Just promise me you will get some rest. You have a concert in like 14 hours. You need sleep or you’re not going to make it through. Just think of how mad the fangirls will be if you fall asleep on stage.” 

Seung Hyun shrugged. “It’s okay, you’re the only fangirl I care about, and you’ll be right there to help me up again.” 

Junsu pouted, scrunching up his face. “I, sir, am no fangirl.” 

“You’re not?” Seung Hyun asked, flicking Junsu’s nose playfully. “You look pretty fangirly to me.” 

Throwing back his shoulders proudly, Junsu said haughtily. “I am a VIP. So get some sleep, and prepare to wow me and the rest of the world tonight with your new music. Since, technically, I am your muse, I’m partially responsible for this music, and I refuse to let my name be associated with anything less than awesome.” 

“You’re my muse, huh?” 

Looking around, Junsu stepped closer, just a little closer than was friendly. Closer until he could stare Seung Hyun right in the eye. Watching him as those eyes turned from laughing and playful, to hot and wanting. How he imagined his own eyes must look like at this moment. Heard Seung Hyun’s breath catch in his throat, and Junsu hid a secret, pleased smile, smitten with the power he realized he had over Seung Hyun. In love with the thought that this man cared for him. Enamored with the idea that, eventually, he’d be able to get him alone in a room again, and then they’d continue on with what they’d started all those days ago. 

Staring at Seung Hyun, he realized that moment had better come fast, or he was probably going to combust.


	31. Emerging Forces of the Fanboy Kind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The big day has arrived, the BigBang day. Junsu is ready to see Seung Hyun...T.O.P perform and Seung Hyun allows T.O.P to come out to play.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you didn't read yesterday's drabble, just wanted to say I'm sorry I missed last week, I was sick as a dog and had no will to fanfic. And that is a sad, sad day. But we're back and to get us on schedule this week we had both a drabble and a new chapter. For those of you who did read the drabble I should probably apologize for making you sad...hope this makes up for it! ;) 
> 
> <3 <3 <3

Junsu checked the batteries in his light stick to make sure they were at full glow potential as there was nothing more embarrassing than a fan with a  _ flickering light stick.  _ It just wasn’t done. And after this Christmas, where it was possible he… might have used his light stick as the topper to his Christmas tree (hey! It was star shaped), and he didn’t want to take any chances. 

Full glow. 

He was ready to go. After another look in the mirror, of course. It was a hard balance, wanting to look good, more than good, possibly ‘don’t you want to strip me right here’ delectable, while trying to blend in with the crowd around him. This was Seung Hyun’s night, and he didn’t want anything to take away from that. Also — any swarming of fangirls and he’d have to leave the concert. 

Which was completely unacceptable. 

So subtle sexy it was. Time to take stock. Jeans, dark and impossibly tight? He gazed at the mirror, twisting to see how his butt, the butt that Seung Hyun couldn’t seem to keep his hands off, was showcased to it’s full glory. Check. Hair? Green. Well. There was nothing he could do about that until his team decided on his next look. Rumor in the office said it was going to be fire engine red, which he really hoped  _ stayed  _ a rumor. It didn’t matter though, he figured, grabbing a snapback from the dresser and tugging it low over the hair he’d carefully styled for at least a half hour. Smudge of eyeliner? Check. After all these years in the makeup chair, he could guyliner with the best of them. He chose a simple, gray, thin t-shirt topped with a neatly cut suit jacket. 

Subtle sexy mode? Achieved. 

Leo rubbed up against his leg, weaving in lazy figure eights. “Sorry buddy, I’ve got a date.” Leo looked up at him, giving a pitiful mew, and Junsu felt the tug at his heart. Bending down, he scratched underneath Leo’s chin. “I promise, I’ll hang out with you tomorrow. All day.” Leo turned those pitiful eyes on him — those eyes that Junsu had trouble resisting — and gave out another low, manipulative cry. 

“I’m not feeding you anymore. You’ve been fed. You have water. You’re fine.” Leo answered with another cry, and Junsu sighed. He was weak. So weak. And they knew it. “Fine. Come on guys, I’ll get you some more food.”

He was such a pushover, he chided himself, as he gave himself one more look in the mirror before heading off to the kitchen, collecting cats as he went along. Well, if he was going to go out and have a special fun time it seemed only fair to share.

**********

Seung Hyun paced the floor, trying to remember everything that they’d worked on, tried to remember his cues, remember the transition, tried to remember where the cameras were going to be so there wasn’t another falling-through-the-stage incident. Tried to remember his rhymes. He needed for everything to be perfect. For him to be perfect, for his bandmates to be perfect, for the whole night to be perfect. 

A few months ago, when the anxiety and the writer's block had hit, he’d honestly thought there might be a version of his future where this wasn’t a thing anymore. That he’d have to put performing, creating, aside. Looking back, of course, it was a silly concern, but there in the moment, it had been very real for him. 

Now, though, he wanted to show his fans, show the world what BigBang could do, could be. What he could accomplish. Or show himself. 

Of course, that was part of it, but another big part? Junsu. Junsu would be there. This would be the first time Junsu had come to his performance. Had watched him perform. (Although, as apparently Junsu had been a fanboy, it was entirely possible he had been to a concert once.) Junsu? Sitting so close, being in the same room and him not knowing, not noticing? He shuddered. 

_ Let’s not go there.  _

No. This was the first time he’d perform knowing not only who Junsu is but knowing that he was sitting there, right in the audience, watching him. Cheering him on. It was like this was his first concert ever, as nervous as he was.  _ Which was ridiculous _ , the person that was T.O.P rose up to chide him. He was T.O.P, of course, it was going to be perfect. He wasn’t going to forget his own fucking rhymes. He cocked his head to the side, feeling the stretch in his neck with a smirk. He’s got this. They all have this. 

“I see T.O.P has joined us finally?” G-Dragon, fresh from the makeup chair, free for the moment from the demands of leader, stood next to him, bouncing on the balls of his feet. 

“T.O.P is always here,” Seung Hyun sneered back at him. 

“No, he’s not,” G-Dragon said, “but I like whenever he comes back.” 

T.O.P watched as G-Dragon, in full costume, bent and stretched, trying to limber up for what was going to be a grueling night. 

“You gonna be able to do this?” he asked. 

“I’m G-Dragon, of course, I can do this,” he retorted with his own sneer. They were a pair, they were. Proud and ambitious — but that didn’t mean they should take stupid chances.  

“I mean it, Ji Yong,” Seung Hyun dropped the facade for a moment and asked his friend. “I still don’t like how we’ve made the setlist, it’s going to be brutal for you tonight. If you don’t think you can do it, just say the word, and we’ll make changes.” 

One of the things they hadn’t paid attention to when creating the set list, with scheduling the whole fucking concert, was how long GDragon was focused onstage. It was one high-energy up-tempo song of his, solo and with the band, after another. In full costume and makeup, with those lights, he was going to be running on empty by the time that single set was through. 

Ji Yong shook his head. “We can’t do that, and you know it. The light and music cues are all set. I’ll be okay.” 

Fuck. He was right. It was 15 minutes before the concert. Realistically, they couldn’t just tell all the people out there to hold on while they changed everything. Again. “Are you sure?” he asked, studying Ji Yong. 

Ji Yong considered before nodding. “I’ll get through it.” 

Seung Hyun nodded. It was time to trust in their leader. Ji Yong, G-Dragon, wasn't going to do anything which would jeopardize all of this. He turned back to the door, waiting for the call, waiting for the night to really begin. 

“Junsu here?” 

“Yeah. He got here about an hour ago.” He pulled out his phone and showed Ji Yong the picture Junsu had just texted him. An excited Junsu wearing a snapback which proudly said BIGBANG. His brightly smiling face was illuminated yellow by the glowing light stick he held next to it. 

“Oh my god. He really is a fan.” 

Soaking in the image for another moment, his smile was like a little jolt of battery to his system.

“Why didn’t he come back? He could have hung out with us before the concert.” 

“He didn’t want to distract me,” Seung Hyun said, powering down the phone and tucking it into his bag. 

“Awww… he lurves you.” Ji Yong poked at him. “Obviously he doesn’t know you well enough. Maybe I should tell him some stories, give him the real story.”

“Don’t. You. Fucking. Dare,” Seung Hyun glowered. “And he doesn’t… love me. We just… I don’t know. We just started. He likes me.”  _ He likes me. He likes me. He likes me. _ The idea bubbled through him, feeling like the tiny bubbles of champagne. He couldn’t stop the grin that came to his face. Junsu liked him. He knew it, but every time he really stopped to think about it, it was like a wonder. Like he couldn’t really believe that this was happening to him. 

“You do realize you’re grinning like an idiot,” Ji Yong kindly pointed out. 

“You’re just jealous.” 

One of the assistant directors came in and gave the five-minute warning, urging the band and crew to head to the stage. This was it, he thought. 

“Oh. He totally loves you, you idiot. You can see the happy little hearts floating above his head whenever he looks at you.”

“Sure, G-Dragon, sure. Now do you want to go out with us and do this? Or are you going to hang here? Either way is fine with me.” Seung Hyun strutted away, his usual pre-concert adrenaline surging through him, the conversation already floating away as he focused all of his attention on what came next. Allowing Seung Hyun to drift off and settling T.O.P comfortably in place. 

Ji Yong watched T.O.P leave. Watched as the room emptied out with him. 

“You’re right. I am jealous.” 

 

**********

 

Junsu could hardly contain his excitement as he waited for the concert to start. He watched as the sea of yellow stars filled the giant stadium. It was only last night that the place was empty, echoing, a little spooky. When he was joking and laughing with his boyfriend and his friends. Tonight, the place was packed to the rafters with screaming, expectant fans, waiting for one of the biggest groups in Kpop to perform. Looking down from his vantage point, he envied the fans who stood right next to the stage. Who could be so close to the stage they could feel the music as it burst through them on its way up to the rest of the room. Fans who had a chance to be close enough to the stage to almost touch the band. To touch T.O.P, to actually be part of the event. He’d thought about taking the chance and buying one of those tickets. Who would be paying attention to him there in the pit? Who would expect a top star there? 

But no. He wouldn’t chance it. He couldn’t. Besides, he thought — let them have him tonight, he was gracious enough to share. But after? And tomorrow? And the day after that? When all these screaming fangirls went home, the night no more than a happy memory? He would still have T.O.P. Except better. 

He would have Seung Hyun. 

The music videos on the big screens stopped playing, and the lights dimmed. The crowd, knowing what this signified, began to roar and chant, chanting the BIGBANG! BIGBANG! BIGBANG! Chanted the member's names. Swept up with in the excitement, he began to scream out with them. It was almost here! It was almost here! 

The screen flashed red, and the credits rolled, introducing each of the band members as if it were movie credits. The music thumped through the crowd. Suddenly the sliding stage moved open, revealing what lay behind them.

They were there. 

Up on tall pillars which glowed red, casting a fiery light over all the members standing upon them, G-Dragon in his orange sunglasses, giving his signature snarl-scream into the microphone, heralding the beginning of “Fantastic Baby.” The crowd went wild. 

And Junsu was right there with them.

The band were all in various versions of black suits, bringing the 1960s grindhouse feel Seung Hyun had explained they were going for. The song kicked into high gear, and as the pillars lowered to the stage level, they began to dance, the familiar choreography brought to life. As the pillars reached the ground, Junsu held his breath, knowing what was to come. 

And there he was. T.O.P

His breath caught, the power of T.O.P, his hard, fast raps, his saunter, how… fucking hot he looked in that suit, hitting him like an actual physical blow. He’d been to a couple of of BigBang concerts before. He owned every single one of their albums, their concert videos. but it was nothing like seeing them live. Nothing like experiencing them… him in person after all that had happened. All that they had gone through. 

Knowing that that man who strutted and snarled his way across the stage, holding the audience right in the palm of his hand, knowing that all the people were there for him, to see him, wanted to be with him. And knowing that that man that everyone wanted chose to be with him? It was a heady and almost powerful feeling. 

He tried to watch the rest of the band. Knew that they were all on their way to being friends, but he couldn’t stop looking at T.O.P, watching his every movement. If he were jealous of the girls in the front rows before, it was nothing like how he felt now. He’d give his money, all his money, to be right there, to have T.O.P singing directly at him. Every time he bent down and allowed screaming fans to touch his hands, Junsu burned with an unexpected jealousy. That hand was his. That man was his. How could they touch what was his when he was stuck up here in the ‘good seats.’

The song moved seamlessly from one song to another. The band playing with each other, playing with the crowd. He laughed whenever the band moved into its synchronized moves and T.O.P ‘danced’ along with him. He was right when he’d told Seung Hyun that the crowd didn’t care that he didn't really dance along with them, that they reveled in his refusal to actually dance as was expected from every idol.

Though he had been with them in this very room last night, had helped them a little, knew exactly what was going to happen from each moment to the next, it was like he was seeing it for the very first time. From the energy and effort they put out, you would never have guessed how much of a mess the whole thing was just 12 hours before. Would never have known that the members were working off of almost no sleep. 

They were amazing.

Once they finished “Haru Haru,” they ran off the stage for a quick costume change, the screen back in place, hiding the stage, playing lights and colors. Junsu sat down in his chair thankful for the break. He placed his hand over his heart, feeling the heavy thump beneath it. He was fairly certain they were going to kill him by the end of the night. Death by fangirling.  

Totally worth it. 

Struck by an idea, he pulled out his phone. 

 

**From** :  **Kim Junsu**   
**Sent: 8:29 April, 25**   
You guys are so amazing, I’m so proud of you. 

 

 **From** : **Kim Junsu**   
**Sent: 8:35 April, 25**  
But do you really need to keep touching the girls?   
You are MINE. 

 

 **From** : **Kim Junsu**   
**Sent: 8:41 April, 25**  
Poor Daesung, his hair is stupid.   
How can he even see like that?  
I’m going to buy that boy a hairband. 

 

 **From** : **Kim Junsu**   
**Sent: 8:42 April, 25**  
Can you see me? I’m giving you a heart right now. 

 

 **From** : **Kim Junsu**   
**Sent: 8:49 April, 25**  
Snow parkas?How are you guys performing in snow parkas?  
Aren’t you melting? 

 

 **From** : **Kim Junsu**   
**Sent: 8:57 April, 25**  
God.   
YOu are so hot strutting all over the stage  
like some  god.   
A rock god

 

 **From** : **Kim Junsu**   
**Sent: 9:01 April, 25**  
so proud of you.   
<3  
<3  
<3

 

 **From** : **Kim Junsu**   
**Sent: 9:05 April, 25**  
Look at you fake dance   
driving the girls wild  
driving me wild. 

 

 **From** : **Kim Junsu**   
**Sent: 9:09 April, 25**  
Every time you wink.  
Or smile into the crowd  
I pretend you are looking at me

 

 **From** : **Kim Junsu**   
**Sent: 9:15 April, 25**  
that you can see me.   
Can you feel me?

 

 **From** : **Kim Junsu**   
**Sent: 9:23 April, 25**  
Hot.   
Fuck.   
You did not. 

 

His fingers flew over the keyboard, his mouth agape as he watched Seung Hyun stalk the stage, spitting out his rhyme for “Doom Dada.” His stomach clenched watching Seung Hyun, his eyes bare of sunglasses, stare out at the crowd, daring them not to fall for him, not to think he’s the best, not to want to jump him right there. Junsu’s breath shuddered. 

 

 **From:** **Kim Junsu**   
**Sent: 9:24 April, 25**  
You are so   
soooooooooo  
sexy. 

 

 **From:** **Kim Junsu**   
**Sent: 9:25 April, 25**  
I cant think

 

 **From:** **Kim Junsu**   
**Sent: 9:25 April, 25**  
I cant breath

 

 **From:** **Kim Junsu**   
**Sent: 9:26 April, 25**  
I CAN thnk  
I cn thnk of u

 

 **From:** **Kim Junsu**   
**Sent: 9:26 April, 25**  
I want u so much

 

 **From:** **Kim Junsu**   
**Sent: 9:26 April, 25**  
please baby please. 

 

 **From:** **Kim Junsu**   
**Sent: 9:27 April, 25**  
I need you.

 **From:** **Kim Junsu**   
**Sent: 9:27 April, 25**  
you are there. Singing to me.

 **From:** **Kim Junsu**   
**Sent: 9:27 April, 25**  
just the sound of yr voice makes me hard.   
in the middle of thousands of people and I’m hard.

 **From:** **Kim Junsu**   
**Sent: 9:28 April, 25**  
u did this to me  
YOU  
U r so amazing. 

 

 **From:** **Kim Junsu**   
**Sent: 9:28 April, 25**  
All these girls want you.   
u know it.

 **From:** **Kim Junsu**   
**Sent: 9:30 April, 25**  
Look at you move. 

 

 **From:** **Kim Junsu**   
**Sent: 9:30 April, 25**  
When this is ovr n  u read this  
know Iwant u

 

 **From:** **Kim Junsu**   
**Sent: 9:30 April, 25**  
So  
Bad

 

 **From:** **Kim Junsu**   
**Sent: 9:30 April, 25**  
yr voice mkes me want 2 geton my knees  
Onmyknees

 

 **From:** **Kim Junsu**   
**Sent: 9:30 April, 25**  
in front of u

 

 **From:** **Kim Junsu**   
**Sent: 9:31 April, 25**  
unzip yr pants,   
n put u in my mouth

 

 **From:** **Kim Junsu**   
**Sent: 9:31 April, 25**  
yr voice makes me   
YOU make me   
want to lick

 

 **From:** **Kim Junsu**   
**Sent: 9:31 April, 25**  
and suck

 

 **From:** **Kim Junsu**   
**Sent: 9:31 April, 25**  
tease u

 

 **From:** **Kim Junsu**   
**Sent: 9:32 April, 25**  
feel u in me 

 

 **From:** **Kim Junsu**   
**Sent: 9:32 April, 25**  
try to drve you as crzy as you make me   
til u come in my mouth. 

 

 **From:** **Kim Junsu**   
**Sent: 9:32 April, 25**  
I want to taste you. 

 

 **From:** **Kim Junsu**   
**Sent: 9:32 April, 25**  
So  
Bad

 

 **From:** **Kim Junsu**   
**Sent: 9:33 April, 25**  
Please, baby please….


	32. Conference Room A

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seung Hyun eventually had to read those texts Junsu sent him during the concert. And he eventually had to react.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeaaaaah. Nothing but smut here. Sorry guys. 
> 
> Or. You're welcome?

The sweat poured off Seung Hyun as the final notes of the last song faded away. The electricity of performing in front of the crowd swamped the exhaustion that had found its way into his bones. They had done well. The show was a success. The fans were happy. He was happy. 

Now, he wanted to get off the stage, get out of these sweaty clothes and drink a glass of wine as big as his head before finding Junsu and kissing the shit out of him. To the screaming crowd he threw out a little heart, but he knew, and he hoped Junsu knew, it was just for him. 

He sauntered off the stage and into the excited arms of his bandmates and managers, hugging and pounding each other on the back. He stuck around with them as long as he thought necessary before making his excuses and heading off to the dressing room. Shower. He needed a shower before anything else. He needed to text Junsu to make sure he planned on coming backstage, as he’d already cleared it with the staff. He went to check the time on his watch before he realized he wasn’t actually wearing a watch. His watch and cell phone were carefully tucked away in his bag.

Accepting the congratulations and well wishes, stopping for the obligatory meeting with people important enough to be brought backstage, signing autographs, taking photos — it took him a lot longer to get to the dressing room than he’d wanted. By the time he reached the doors, the rest of the band had caught up with him and they entered the room en masse. 

So much for a chance to call Junsu, he thought. 

He grabbed his pack filled with his portable shower things and the outfit he’d brought with him for after the concert and a fast game of kai bai bo won him first go at the shower, to which, after pulling the now cooling, sweat drenched clothes away from his skin, he was happy for. The rest of the guys, urging him to get his ass moving, pushed him along to the small bathroom attached to the dressing room. As a final thought, he powered on his phone so he’d be ready to contact Junsu just as soon as he was done. 

Humming the closing song, “Bae Bae,” whose notes lingered in his head, he hurried through his shower, the warm, pelting water feeling glorious on his tired muscles. He took as long as he could and not a second more — as leaving the guys alone, being the lone man out, was just asking to be pranked. He should know — he instigated many of them himself. While he and Junsu hadn’t officially made plans for after the concert, Seung Hyun had just assumed they would hang out either alone or at one of the after-parties — so he didn’t have time to go searching for stolen pants or shoes, or trying to escape from a barricaded bathroom door. 

Leaving the room, he called out to whoever it had been decided was next in line that it was their turn at the shower. By this time the room was filled, with the band, staff, important backers, and the usual hangers on. He scanned the room. No Junsu. His watch now in place, he checked the time. A half hour had passed since the concert ended. He mentally counted the minutes it would take Junsu to get here, making his way through the crowd, getting through security, stopping to talk to anyone who might recognize him. A half hour was nothing to worry about. 

Weaving his way through the crowd, Seung Hyun went to the makeup chair where he’d left his stuff, searching for his phone so he could send Junsu a quick text. He rolled his eyes at the site of one of the usual concert bunnies sitting in his spot, her back holding his things in place. These girls were just this close to being sasaeng fans — just high enough up the food chain to get access to the backstage area.

Pulling his mouth into a slightly disinterested smile as, as much as he hated these people who wouldn’t leave him and his like alone, if they were caught being rude, or if even the illusion of being rude got out, it was the band member who got in trouble, not the crazy stalker. 

“T.O.P-oppa! You were so good,” the girl giggled, crossing her legs, her short skirt riding even higher on her leg. 

“Thank you,” he said with a slight smile. “I’m glad you enjoyed the show.”

“I go to all your shows,” she said proudly. 

He gave her a quick bow. “Thank you for being a fan.” 

“You’re the best, oppa.” The oppa grated on him as he’d never given her permission to call him that. And now, here she was, sitting practically on his bag, his phone. His access to Junsu. 

C _ alm the fuck down, dude _ , Seung Hyun admonished himself. Junsu wasn’t just going to go home, he’d come backstage — and he was a big boy, he could get backstage without his help. His job right now? Find a way to pawn this girl off on another member before Junsu got here. 

And he was determined to succeed in his mission. 

“Thank you. Now if you—”

“I bought you some water. I’m sure you’re thirsty after working so hard out there,” she said, pulling a bottle of water decorated with hearts and stickers out of her pack. “I want to take good care of my oppa.” She pressed the bottle into his hands, and as she inched closer towards him her skirt inched further up her slender thighs. Any moment now and he’d become intimately acquainted with the color of her panties. 

Not what he wanted Junsu to walk in on. 

He quickly looked towards the door as, with his luck, Junsu would choose that moment to walk in. Thankfully, his luck seemed to be giving him a break tonight and it was one of the managers who walked through the door instead. Subtly, he gave him the ‘get me the fuck away from her’ signal (a signal they’d perfected over ten years of this shit) and waited for him to make his way over. 

“Kim Sun Ah-shi.” the manager bowed to the girl. “I believe your father is looking for you.”

The girl pouted, accentuating the bright, bright red she’d painted carefully on her lips. “But I just got here. Daddy said I could stay with the band and go to the after-party.” 

Great. Was she going to the after-party? He was never going to get rid of her. He fiddled with the bottle of water in his hands and checked the doorway again for any sight of Junsu. Junsu. Junsu. Junsu. He distracted himself with the thought of Junsu, wondering what he thought of the concert. If he’d had a good time. If he’d enjoyed watching him perform as much as Seung Hyun had enjoyed watching Junsu perform at his own concert. 

“T.O.P-oppa!” the girl demanded, knocking him out of his thoughts. “Will you dance with me at the after-party?” 

“I’m T.O.P,” he said. “I don’t dance.” 

“Well then, will you have a drink with me? I know you like to drink.” 

“If we see each other, sure, we can have a drink,” he said, figuring the best way to get her away was to agree with her. So he wouldn’t go to the after-party. That’s fine, there would be another one after tomorrow night's concert. Maybe he and Junsu could go somewhere quiet and get something to eat. Then he’d like to sleep for a solid week, at least. Preferably with Junsu wrapped tight around him. Maybe he could talk Junsu into another bath. That was nice. 

The girl smiled at her win and grabbed his hand, pressing the water bottle tighter to him. “Great! I’ll see you there. Don’t forget to drink your water. We don’t want you getting dehydrated.”

She slithered up off the chair, and he averted his eyes, but not before he got an eyeful of red panties. 

The manager led the girl away, and Seung Hyun grabbed his phone and collapsed into the chair. 

He flicked open his phone and found he’d missed 36 messages from Junsu. Alarmed, he clicked on the text and began to scan quickly through them. He smiled when he realized Junsu had sent him the series of texts throughout the concert. A stream of consciousness Junsu. He was reminded of the radio show, right before he got sick and Junsu took care of him. 

Ugh, this boy was too fucking adorable.

Slouching low into the seat the girl had vacated, trying not to breath in too deeply the cloud of perfume she left behind her, he laughed at the warning against touching the girl fans, realizing yes, it had been a good plan for him to get rid of the girl before Junsu had arrived. Although jealous and possessive Junsu was apparently a giant fucking turn on for him. The idea that Junsu was so attached to him he didn’t want to see anyone else around him? Rather than smothering, it oddly filled him with a sense of pride. Junsu wanted him. 

_ Holy fuck _ . 

He sat upright barely containing his groan as he read what Junsu had written, what Junsu had thought and felt while watching him perform. The air suddenly became like concrete, and he fought for every breath, all of his senses on high alert. The vision of Junsu. On his knees. His cock in his mouth. Those full lips surrounding him. He swallowed hard, trying to control himself, trying to remind himself where he was.  _ Who _ he was right now. 

There was a knock at the door, and Seung Hyun dragged his eyes away from his phone to see who was trying to gain access to their dressing room now. Junsu--standing there, hesitant, his eyes wide and just a little wild, seeing the want in his eyes that were a duplicate to the fire that ran through Seung Hyun’s veins. The fire that Junsu had created. He couldn’t take his eyes away from him until it was just the two of them in the room. 

“ _ Please _ ,” Junsu mouthed. Desire and uncertainty warring clearly on his face. 

Bolting up out of his chair, Seung Hyun strode across the room, ignoring everything around them, ignoring anything that tried to get in his way to Junsu. He never took his eyes off him. Noticing the heaviness of his own chest as it heaved as if he had run here. The way Junsu’s eyes darkened and then widened when he realized Seung Hyun had set his sights on him. As he got to the doorway, Seung Hyun didn’t slow, he just grasped Junsu by the wrist and tugged him along behind him. 

Seung Hyung remembered himself just enough to be polite to those they passed in the busy hallway, pasting a fake smile on his face and bowing politely when he just wanted to snarl and push people out of his way. He heard Junsu squeak out hellos to people who realized who it was Seung Hyun was leading around. Heading to the administrative wing, predictably the crowd thinned out until it was him, Junsu, and a darkened hallway. 

From behind him, Junsu gave out a little sound and Seung Hyun, without stopping, loosened his grip and slid his hand down until he was able to grasp Junsu’s hand in his. The warm, soft palm reminded him just how long it had been since they’d last touched. Since they’d last been alone. Way too fucking long, he thought. Junsu’s fingers squeezed his into Seung Hyun’s palm as if Junsu knew what he was thinking and agreed with him. 

He began trying door handles to the various offices they passed, trying to find one unlocked. Down one hallway, turning, down another, his efforts becoming a little more frantic as they went along. Junsu was no fucking help, his thumb trailing patterns along the overheated skin of Seung Hyun’s hand. Sending him a message. 

_ Please, Seung Hyun, Please.  _

The words from the text reverberated in his head. Finally one of the door knobs gave and he ripped open the door, the force of it banging against the wall and reverberating back at them. He pulled Junsu into the small room which, from the looks of it, wasn’t an office but a small conference room. 

Grabbing the door as it bounced back, he slammed it shut, pushing a pliant Junsu into the firm wood. Junsu stared up at him, his lips parted, his eyes on him, just on him. Unable to resist for another fucking second, Seung Hyun put his hands on the back of Junsu’s head, tangling his fingers in his hair, yanking his lips up to his. The moment their lips touched Seung Hyun groaned. Whenever they weren’t kissing, or it had been too long between kisses, he wondered if he imagined it, if he’d blown up in his head just how amazing Junsu’s lips were, how perfectly they fit his, how amazing it felt when they were together like this. 

Every time, though, every time their lips met, he was reminded. The memories came flooding back to him. This was perfect. This was everything he’d ever wanted and yet didn’t know he’d wanted in his life. Junsu

Junsu. 

His breath harsh, he plundered Junsu’s mouth. This was no gentle kiss, no hesitancy, no questioning. This was pure need. He licked inside, flicking his tongue against Junsu’s, taking, tasting, demanding everything Junsu had offered up in those texts. He groaned as Junsu gripped his hips, digging his nails hard into his sides, holding him in place as he rolled his hips against Seung Hyun’s, rubbing his body, hot, already hard with need, against his. 

Seung Hyun pressed himself closer, pressing Junsu heavily against the door, leaving no space between them. He could feel Junsu’s every movement, every breath, every sigh, and it only served to excite him more, make him want until it hurt. He swiveled his own hips, grinding them closer and closer, the feel of Junsu’s cock against his own, Seung Hyun gasping as the pleasure rolled and took over his system. 

Junsu ripped his mouth away from him, looking up, his lips pink and swollen, his eyes blown wide, filled with need and want that still amazed Seung Hyun. 

“I want to… can I?” he asked, his voice husky and hesitant. Standing on his tiptoes, he began laying nibbling kisses along Seung Hyun’s jaw. “If you don’t feel comfortable, I understand, but I really want to.” He reached Seung Hyun’s ear and settled in, worrying the soft lobe between his teeth, soothing him with his tongue. With a final tug, he moved on, running his lips down Seung Hyun’s neck. Seung Hyun, with a groan, tilted his head to give Junsu more access, loving the feel of Junsu’s lips, the hot breath on his skin. He shivered. 

“When you were up on that stage, you were so fucking hot. Everyone in that room wanted you,” Junsu said, biting down lightly, biting down before licking away the marks, “but you’re mine.” He bit down harder. “Mine. I just kept thinking about what I wanted to do to you. With you.” 

Tugging on Seung Hyun’s hips, he pivoted, flipping them around until he was the one who had Seung Hyun trapped between him and the door. “Your voice… your voice is so sexy, just listening to you rap, god, even talk, makes me want you.” Letting go of his hips, he ran his hands down Seung Hyun’s arms, until he reached his hands, holding them in his for a moment, squeezing, before leading them around his own body, over his slender frame, his thin hips, until they cupped his round, hard ass, using their clasped hands on his ass to push them together, to rub their cocks until Junsu gasped hard and Seung Hyun’s eyes rolled back in his head. 

“You know it too, don’t you?” Junsu gasped, leaning in again, flicking his tongue against Seung Hyun’s Adam's apple, as if he wanted to touch, wanted to experience where that sound came from, to possess what it was that drove him so crazy. “You love driving all those girls crazy. You love driving me crazy, don’t you?” He gave his hips another roll before lifting his head to capture Seung Hyun’s lips with his, claiming the territory as his as Seung Hyun had done to him. 

He pulled back, and Seung Hyun had to stop himself from crying out from the loss. He was fairly certain he could kiss Junsu forever and it would never be enough, never get boring, would be just as exciting, just as intoxicating as it was at this moment. 

“I want to have you,” Junsu whispered, “in my mouth. Well. In me. But tonight I’ll settle for in my mouth.” He pulled back looking Seung Hyun in the eye, forcing himself to be serious for a moment. “Are you okay with that? It’s okay if you’re not, but you have to tell me.” 

Seung Hyun gulped. He took a moment, considering, trying to make his brain work. But all he could get from it was  _ “yes! Fuck yes! What are you waiting for you stupid fucking moron say yes!”  _

Eyes full of Junsu, eyes full of everything he wanted, he nodded. 

Junsu broke out in a relieved grin. “Wahoo!” 

Unable to resist, Seung Hyun laughed. “Did you just wahoo putting my junk in your mouth?”

Breaking into his own giggle, Junsu buried his head against Seung Hyun’s neck in embarrassment. “Maybe. Trust me, it's a very exciting prospect.” 

“Well, so long as you’re happy…” 

“Just promise me,” Junsu said, pulling back, looking at him seriously again, “if you feel uncomfortable or get weirded out, let me know. Don’t run away. You are fucking hot. Hot on a stick. You are perfect to me. _ For me _ . Okay?” 

Swallowing, Seung Hyun nodded. Junsu rushed forward, fitting their bodies hard together, eagerly kissing him. “All night,” he whispered. “All night I thought about this.” Giving Seung Hyun’s mouth one last kiss, he sank down. Settling to his knees, he used his hands to part the embroidered brocade overcoat Seung Hyun wore over his clothing. Leaning forward, he rubbed his mouth against Seung Hyun’s hard length through the soft fabric of his slacks. Unable to stop, Seung Hyun shuddered, his knees almost buckling below him.

“Junsu,” he groaned. 

Reaching up, Junsu unbuttoned Seung Hyun’s pants, slowly lowering the zipper. Shoving aside the coat that had gotten in his way again, he reached into Seung Hyun’s pants, taking care not to expose any more skin than he needed to, he pulled out his hard cock. Seung Hyun placed his hands flat against the door in an effort to brace himself, in an effort to hold himself up, as he wasn’t sure just how long his legs would hold him if this was how he felt — and Junsu hadn’t actually done anything yet. 

Junsu sighed happily, running his hand down Seung Hyun’s length, his fingers trailing down his skin as if mapping every inch, every vein, every fold. Junsu wrapped his hand around him, grasping him firmly, pulling lightly until he reached the top, swirling, dragging his thumb over the top of his head, smoothing away the moisture he already found there. 

With a groan, Seung Hyun let his head fall back against his door with a thump. 

“You okay up there?” Junsu asked. “Do you need me to stop?”

“Stop and I’ll murder you.” Seung Hyun groaned again, low in his throat. The feeling of Junsu’s hand on him, the whispered breath he felt, was almost too much. He strained in Junsu’s hand, thrusting his hips into Junsu’s grasp, needing the feel of the friction against him. Needing, wanting Junsu. 

Junsu chuckled. “Seung Hyun,” he said, his voice low. 

“Mmmm??” Seung Hyun mumbled.

“Seung Hyun-ah,” he teased in a sing-song tone, “look at me.”

“Can’t. Move,” Seung Hyun gasped, fairly certain if he moved it would be over too soon. 

“Seung Hyun. Look at me,” Junsu said before leaning in and running his tongue slowly along the length of Seung Hyun. “I want your eyes on me. I want you to look at me when I take you in my mouth. When I show you just how crazy you make me.”

Seung Hyun’s heart clenched and his cock, hard in Junsu’s hand, twitched. He looked down and almost gasped at the sight of Junsu, on his knees in front of him, framed by the lines of his coat, his lips wet and swollen from their kisses, his eyes almost black with desire, Seung Hyun’s hard cock held tight in his hands. They locked eyes and Seung Hyun’s knees did buckle at what he saw there. He caught himself in time and held the doorknob tight. 

Their eyes locked together, and assured he had Seung Hyun’s full attention, Junsu parted his full lips and leaned forward. When his tongue swiped and swirled over the head of Seung Hyun’s cock, lapping lazy circles, dipping and prodding into the slit he found there. Seung Hyun shuddered, his body shaking. “Junsu,” he gasped.

The man on his knees smiled, a wicked and delicious smile, a smile of someone who knew exactly what he was doing, torturing him, enjoying it. 

“Do you want me to stop?” he asked, his eyes wide, blinking innocently.

As an answer, Seung Hyun bucked his cock into Junsu’s hand. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t understand that. I’m going to need you to use your words.” 

Seung Hyun gulped, not entirely certain he could speak, not entirely certain there was any more air in the room for him to speak. Forcing himself, he shook his head. “Please.” 

Junsu smiled that terrible, that wonderfully terrible smile again and nodded, leaning in, this time wrapping his lips around Seung Hyun’s cock, making his heart stop. As he leaned in, the coat slid forward again, obscuring Junsu from his view, until he could only see the back of his head through the folds of the fabric. Un-fucking-acceptable. Seung Hyun tore the offending coat off and threw it in the direction of the conference table, not really caring if it made it there or landed in an expensive heap on the floor. 

The movement had Junsu pulling back, pulling off him, a look of wonder and dawning happiness on his face. 

“What?” Seung Hyun asked, forcing the word out. 

“You…” Junsu paused and then shook his head, “nothing.”

He took Seung Hyun’s cock back into his mouth making a groan escape Seung Hyun’s lips, low and hard. The feeling, the feeling of Junsu’s hot, wet mouth on his skin, slowly taking him in, inch by inch, his tongue fluttering little patterns along the underside of his length, matched with the visual of Junsu, his full lips moving along Seung Hyun, straining around him, his hot wanting eyes on him, drove him crazy and he reached down, running his hands along the back of Junsu’s head, clenching his hair in his fingers. 

“Junsu,” he whispered. “Fuck. Junsu.” 

Sucking him as far as he would go,  Seung Hyun rested at the back of his throat, groaning in pleasure, only to have Junsu pull off, to swirl along and around his head again. Seung Hyun fought against the urge to close his eyes, the feeling too much for him. But Junsu’s words, the desire not to miss a single fucking moment of this, forced him to keep his eyes open. Down and back, Junsu repeated the motion, engulfing him in his soft, warm mouth until he met his hand where it gripped Seung Hyun’s base. He hummed in satisfaction and Seung Hyun could feel the reverberations on him, through him, until they became extensions of himself, shakes, little earthquakes that he couldn’t control. 

His toes curled, his fingers gripped in Junsu’s hair, his balls tightened as Junsu’s other hand lightly stroked over his skin. He groaned low and harsh. He couldn’t last. Not like this. Not when Junsu was blowing his fucking mind. He could feel it building hard and heavy in his gut. 

“Junsu,” his voice low and guttural, “Junsu, I’m gonna…” He tried to give warning, he tried to pull Junsu away from him, but Junsu only worked harder, faster, staring up at him, his eyes dark and smug. The look, the visual of Junsu down there, with him, on him, was too much and Seung Hyun let go and came on a hard gasp, thrusting his hips forward, straining closer. Junsu stayed right where he was, sucking and swallowing, egging Seung Hyun on. 

When he was done, Seung Hyun’s body felt boneless and he let his head roll back with a thump against the door. With a wet pop, Junsu pulled off him and Seung Hyun sank to the floor, unable, unwilling to stay upright for another second. As his ass hit concrete, Junsu bent, leaning over him, resting his hands on either side of Seung Hyun, capturing him in place, the hunter who knew he had finally caught his prey. His lips glistened and he leaned in, nuzzling Seung Hyun’s nose with his. 

“Are you okay?” he asked, his voice low and raw, and if Seung Hyun had it in him to feel aroused again so quickly, that would have done it. Junsu, so fucking beautiful, so mind-wrecking sexy, who desired him so fucking much he just blew him in a public building yet still managing to be adorable, nuzzling noses, asking if he was okay. 

And he’d almost missed this. He was such a stupid shit. 

“Fuck, Junsu,” he said and tilted his head, touching their lips together, swirling his tongue through Junsu’s mouth, tasting himself on Junsu, tasting them together, and he groaned again, breaking away, giving Junsu’s bottom lip a tug between his teeth before he finally let go and sank backwards. 

“Not yet,” Junsu said with a giggle, “but hopefully soon.”

“Brat,” he laughed. “So, I take it you liked the concert.”


	33. EnGuarde!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Memories of the past bring up a trigger point for Junsu.

Junsu collapsed next to Seung Hyun on the cold floor in the conference room filled with ugly chairs and uglier paintings. He felt wicked. Naughty. He thought about all those people out there, all those people who were here for T.O.P, who had just listened to him, who were thinking about being with him. And yet here he was, the one that T.O.P chose. The one who he wanted enough to allow him to take him in public. 

It was hot just thinking about it. 

Seung Hyun nuzzled his head, dropping a kiss at the crown, and Junsu sighed happily. Yep, his life was pretty much perfect right now. 

“What about you?” Seung Hyun asked, Junsu feeling his lips move against his hair. “You didn’t… I want you to…”

Junsu reached out and grabbed Seung Hyun’s hand, weaving their fingers together. “Nope,” he said, “I’m good.”

Squeezing his hand, Seung Hyun laughed. “I’m pretty sure you just proved how good you are right now, but I want to get you off.” He reached his hand out, across Junsu’s leg until he found Junsu’s cock, still hard and eager in his pants. “I think you want that, too.” 

Junsu hissed slowly, giving himself a minute to savor the sensation. To feel Seung Hyun’s hand on him. To feel Seung Hyun’s desire for him. Before it got to be too much, he grabbed Seung Hyun’s hand and pulled it away from him. “It’s okay, we don’t have time.” 

“Baby, I want to make you happy,” Seung Hyun murmured. 

Closing his eyes, he let the words sink into him. Locked the words, the sentiment, the feelings into his heart, where he could take them out at a later date to look at, remember, feel again. “You do, you make me so happy,” Junsu said. “It's a little scary how happy you make me. But this? This was about you — and what I wanted to do for you. Think of it as a tip. Applause for a job well done.” 

“You’re the one who deserves some fucking applause after that. You’re amazing.” Seung Hyun lifted their joined hands and bit lightly at the skin on the back of Junsu’s hand. 

“Seung Hyun?” Junsu said, a little hesitant to bring it up, afraid of breaking the cozy world they’d created around them. 

“Hmmm?” Seung Hyun let go of one of Junsu’s hands and tucked his arm behind Junsu’s shoulders, tucking him closer to him. 

“You took off your coat.”

“What?” 

Junsu pointed at the heavy topcoat that lay crumpled where Seung Hyun had tossed it. “You took off your coat,” he said. 

“So?” 

“We were together and not only did you not run away, you actually took off a layer of clothing.” He looked up watching Seung Hyun’s face as he processed the information. 

“It was just a coat,” he said. “I kept my shirt on.” 

Junsu shook his head. “Doesn’t matter. You took off clothes.”

“Yeah, well…” Seung Hyun stopped, embarrassed. “I just needed to see you. You were so fucking hot.” 

“I know I am,” Junsu said matter of factly. “So are you.” He reached up and nuzzled Seung Hyun’s chin. “And I’m going to make you believe it even if I have to drag you off to random corners to blow you every day.” 

“Uhhh… yes, please,” Seung Hyun laughed. 

“We should probably get back to the rest of the group,” he said, though the last thing he wanted to do was be with others, to leave the space they made. “I’m sure everyone is probably looking for you.”

“In a minute,” Seung Hyun said, tilting up Junsu’s chin to meet his mouth again. “In a minute.”

**********

More than a few minutes later, after they’d composed themselves again, they left their conference room and made their way back to the dressing room which had, by this time, lost the hangers-on and only a few members of the band remained.

“Junsu!” Seungri called out as they entered the room, before running and jumping on him excitedly, wrapping his legs around Junsu’s waist.

“Ooof,” Junsu let out as the wind got knocked out of him, and he took a step back from the force.

Seung Hyun reached out and grabbed Seungri by the back of his shirt and pried him off Junsu. “Get off him, asshat.”

Standing back on his own two feet, Seungri pouted. “Why don’t you want to share Junsu, Seung Hyun? He doesn’t belong to just you.” 

Junsu could feel Seung Hyun’s hand balling up in the back of his shirt, feel his fingers slipping beneath to feel the skin below and tried hard to hide the shudder it caused to go through him. There was no helping the blush, though.

“Seungri, it’s your turn to talk to the film crew,” Ji Yong called out from the makeup chair in the corner he slouched low in, his voice muffled from the wet cloth covering his face.

Seungri’s eyes lit up again. “Right! Cameras!” He clapped his hands together and turned to leave out the back door where they’d set up a small set. “Junsu, don’t leave without saying goodbye, okay?”

“I’ll be here,” Junsu said, looking up at Seung Hyun for assurance. 

When Seungri left, Seung Hyun bent down. “You okay?” he whispered. 

“Yeah,” he said, nodding, matching Seung Hyun’s low tone. “He just knocked the wind out of me. Remind me not to do that to you again.” 

Seung Hyun shook his head. “You’d better fucking do it again,” he said, his eyes darkening. “If Seungri makes you stop, I will kick his ass.”

Junsu laughed and pulled away from him, though everything in him wanted to be close, closer, but they’d already taken enough chances for the night. He turned to the rest of the room, to Seung Hyun’s friends and bandmates. “You guys were amazing tonight. The best BigBang concert I’ve seen so far.”

“How many of them have you seen?” Daesung asked. 

“Yeah, Junsu, how many concerts have you been to?” Seung Hyun asked, teasing. 

“A… few,” was all he would admit to. There was praising one’s boyfriend and then there was spoiling him. Seung Hyun he would cater to, T.O.P didn’t need any more encouragement. 

To change the topic he turned to Ji Yong. “Are you okay, Ji Yong? That setlist must have been brutal for you.”

Ji Yong groaned and scooted down in his chair. “You have no idea. I almost passed out.” 

“What?” Seung Hyun barked out, and he hurried around Junsu to crouch in front of his friend and leader. Junsu watched them, sensing their closeness, the connection they didn’t usually give off, and it made him miss his own friends all over again. “Are you okay? What happened, do you need the medic?”

Ji Yong tugged the washcloth off, revealing a face that was pale with dark rings beneath his eyes. With a weak smile, Ji Yong reached up and patted Seung Hyun’s cheek, his silver rings glinting in the light. “I’m okay now, just dehydrated. They iced me down between breaks.”

Junsu could see the exhaustion on his face. Could see it in every movement, could see in the hair that was soaked in sweat and sticking to the side of his face. It was the first time Junsu had ever seen the star, who was usually so put together, so… disheveled.

“Why the fuck didn’t you tell me, Ji Yong? You should have said something.”

“What would I have said? At that point, what could we have done? I just had to get through it.” 

“I don’t know, I could have…” but he was at a loss for words. 

Junsu understood. It was just part of the business, sometimes there was nothing you could do. Sometimes you just had to look at an almost impossibility and do it. Get through it and live to do something else even bigger and more impossible the next day. It was just part of the life of an idol.

“I could have at least let you shower first.” 

Ji Yong laughed. “Don’t worry about it, bro. It worked out,” he said, nodding to Junsu.

Seung Hyun looked around and scanned the room, searching for something. Junsu watched as he seemed to find what he wanted, zeroing in on a water bottle that stood on the makeup table a few stations down. “Junsu, can you hand me that water bottle?” he asked over his shoulder.

“Of course,” Junsu said, hurrying over and grabbing the bottle of room temperature water. He studied the bottle as he brought it over to the two in the corner. The bottle was decorated with glittery heart stickers and tiny little bigbang decals.  _ Weirdos _ . He thought and handed the bottle into Seung Hyun’s waiting hand.

“Here,” he said, taking off the cap. “Drink this.” 

Something niggled at the back of Junsu’s mind, bothering him, making him uncomfortable, for a reason beyond him. As he watched Ji Yong lift the bottle, watched it get closer and closer to his mouth, the feeling intensified, until suddenly, before he could think about it, he reached out and slapped the bottle out of Ji Yong’s hand. The bottle fell, spilling its contents over Ji Yong and Seung Hyun.

“Junsu, what the fuck?” Seung Hyun jumped up, batting at the water which now covered him, shooting Junsu an irritated look. 

“What’s with the stickers? Where did you get that bottle of water?” he demanded. 

Seung Hyun looked around the room, lowering his voice to a whisper. “What? You’re jealous because some girl gave me a bottle of water?” 

Junsu opened and then closed his mouth, taking a step back. “No. No, that’s not it,” he said.

“Then what the fuck?” He reached out and grabbed a couple of the commemorative towels from the pile and tossed one to Ji Yong before using the other one to wipe at his pants. 

“What the fuck are  _ you _ doing?” Junsu demanded, squaring his shoulders, getting his own backup. “You never, ever, ever,  _ EVER _ , eat or drink something given to you from a fan.” 

Seung Hyun scoffed. “It was just some fangirl. I’m sure she’s not going to try and hurt me, Junsu.” 

Junsu stared at him, disbelief clear on his face. “You don’t know that. None of you know what fans, anti-fans are capable of.”

“I think you’re blowing this a little out of proportion, Junsu. It’s a bottle of water. We see this girl almost every concert. It’s fine. Calm down.” 

“Fine? How can you be so careless?” He turned around and searched out the one other person in the room, a small PA whose eyes were huge as she gaped at them from the corner. “You. What’s your name?” 

“Choi Mi Rae, Junsu-shi” she said, her voice small and hesitant. 

“Choi Mi Rae-shi, please take any open bottles of water, any open drinks.” He strode over to her, fishing into his pocket and pulling out his wallet. He pulled out a few bills and handed them over to her, pressing them into the limp palm of her hand. “Then have someone help you bring back an unopened case of water. If you can’t find one, let me know and I’ll send a driver for it.” 

“Junsu. Come on,” Seung Hyun called out to him, his voice exasperated. “Don’t you think you’re going overboard?”

He ignored the moron in the corner for the moment and focused on the girl, giving her his best Xia Junsu smile. “Do you think you can do that for me, Choi Mi Rae-shi?” he asked.

Overwhelmed in the face of the full on Xia Junsu, she nodded and grabbed the nearest trash bin and, rushing around the room, collected anything in a bottle, throwing them away. Junsu stood there with his arms crossed, watching her as she worked, trying to resist the urge to throttle the man he loved. God, this man needed a keeper.  

Quickly, the girl proudly showed him her overflowing trash bin and he bowed to her, giving her his thanks as she hurried out the door. He shut the door behind her and turned back to Seung Hyun and Ji Yong, where they looked at him in disbelief, concern, and irritation. Of course, the irritation was just on his stupid boyfriend’s face.

“Now Ji Yong has no water,” Seung Hyun said. “Happy now?”

Junsu resisted the urge to shake him, then realized that he himself was shaking, flashes of the past, a time when they hadn’t known better when they hadn’t caught it in time, when their innocence and stupidity almost got someone killed. 

“Yeah, yeah I am happy,” he said. “I’ll be happier when you realize what an asshole you’re being right now, Seung Hyun.”

“ _I’m_ being an asshole?” Seung Hyun sputtered. 

“Yeah. A pretty big one.” He couldn’t get the shaking to stop, he realized. They wracked his body. He crossed his arms around his chest in an attempt to hide just how affected he was. 

“Seung Hyun,” Ji Yong said, sitting upright in his chair. “Calm down. Look at Junsu for fuck’s sake.”

Junsu despite the shaking, refused to back down, looking Seung Hyun square in the eye. Daring him to tell him he was wrong. Refusing to be the ridiculous one in this situation. Seung Hyun stared at him, the irritation clear on his face, and he angrily faced off with him, doing his best to hold back the shaking. Seung Hyun narrowed his eyes, and the irritation faded away, replaced with concern. 

Moving so quickly it startled Junsu, causing him to step back, Seung Hyun rushed over, swooping him up in his arms. “Junsu, baby, what’s wrong?” he asked. Junsu kept his back straight, not willing to give in, to give up until they believed him-- until they listened. He shoved his hands between them, pushing them apart, stepping back so he could think, breathe. 

“I’m not being silly, or overreacting, or god-fucking-jealous, Seung Hyun,” he spat out. “Yunho almost died.” 

Seung Hyun looked confused and hurt that Junsu had pushed him away — Junsu would not let himself focus on that. “Who’s Yunho?” 

“Fuck. I remember that,” Ji Yong spoke up from the chair. “It was what… detergent?”

“Super glue,” Junsu replied simply. “A drink spiked with super glue.” His voice was shaky as he flashed back to the past. The fear, not knowing if Yunho would make it, not being able to look at fans the same way again. “He spit it out, but there was blood everywhere. We thought… we thought he was going to die.”

He shuddered hard, remembering how scared they had been, remembered watching Yunho slip to the floor, unconscious. Remembered standing there outside the hospital room, waiting for word, praying that their friend would make it. Yoochun had held his hand while he cried, but Jaejoong? Jaejoong had been angry, more angry than Junsu had ever seen before. He paced the halls, refusing to speak with anyone, refusing any attempts at comfort until they knew Yunho would make it. 

“You can’t trust that people have your best interest--just like they don’t know the real us? We don’t know the real them. Don’t know if they’re there to do us harm. What people will do to get close to us. Or to get famous.”

There was a knock on the door and Choi Mi Rae ducked her head inside. “I found water Junsu-shi.”

Forcing a smile onto his face, Junsu turned to the door. “Thanks so much Choi Mi Rae-shi, bring it in, please.”

She kicked the door open wide and lugged in a case of water bottles still secured in their plastic wrap. He rushed forward and grabbed her load, bowing kindly. She tried to hand back the money he had given her, but he shook his head. “You keep it for helping us,” he said. “We’re all set in here if you have something else to do.”

When the door shut behind her, he walked over to Ji Yong and broke open the plastic wrap, pulling out a fresh and clean bottle of water, handing it over to him. “Drink.”

Without sparing him a glance, Junsu pulled out a second bottle and handed it in the direction of Seung Hyun. His hand hovered in the air, waiting, until a few seconds later, he felt Seung Hyun grab the bottle from him. 

Ji Yong nodded his thanks and took a deep pull of the water, sucking down the fluid until almost the entire thing was completely empty. Satisfied, Junsu pulled out another bottle and handed it over to the exhausted leader. “One more,” he said.

“I’m good now, Junsu. Thank you,” he said, waving the bottle away, but determined, Junsu pressed it into his hands. 

“I said drink it,” Junsu said, his voice clearly telling Ji Yong that he meant business. 

“You might as well do what he says,” Seung Hyun said, coming up behind him. “He likes to make sure everyone he cares for is fed and watered. Like his cats.” He felt Seung Hyun’s arms come around him and though still irritated, still a little hurt, still coming off that adrenaline high, he couldn’t help but lean into Seung Hyun, to allow himself to fall into the embrace. For a moment at least, before he patted Seung Hyun’s hands and slipped away from him. 

“The door is shut, it doesn’t mean the door is locked,” he said. 

Almost to prove his point, Seungri bounded back through the door. “Junsu, you’re still here!” he said eagerly. “You’re coming to the after-party, right? Ji Yong is gonna be there. Daesung is going.” He rolled his eyes. “If Taeyang would ever get off the phone with his girlfriend, he’s going to go. Seung Hyun is gonna be there. It’s gonna be epic.”

Junsu shook his head. “I think I’m going to go home,” he said. He wasn’t in any mood to party. He just wanted to go home, snuggle with a cat or three — possibly four — and go to bed. 

“Awwww… come on Junsu. Girls will be there. Pretty, pretty girls.” Seungri teased. “Since Seung Hyun started being lame again, not wanting to go out, I have a position available for a new wingman.”

“Since Seung Hyun doesn’t want to go out?” Junsu asked shooting a look over at Seung Hyun who suddenly looked sheepish rubbing his hand over the back of his neck. “So, Seung Hyun used to go out with you?” 

“The last couple of months he’d come out with me, have me hook him up with chicks, you know because he’s so lame he can’t get them on his own.”

“Hooked him up with… chicks?” Junsu asked, cocking his head at Seung Hyun. “So he was with a lot of chicks then?”

“Well, he is my man T.O.P — he doesn’t do so bad — not as good as me, of course.” Seungri preened. “But now he’s lame and just hides back underneath whatever rock he’d climbed out from. He doesn’t want to go out, he doesn’t want to drink with me, he just wants to sit home and be lame. I’m so sad. I’m so alone,” he said in a whiny tone, which Junsu took to be a fairly accurate Seung Hyun impression. 

“Shut your face, Seungri,” Seung Hyun said. 

“Soooo sad. Sooooo alone. I’m just going to listen to OST ballads and cry into my sad, sad soju.” He now added crybaby arm movements to the act. 

Junsu couldn’t help but smile at the antics of the BigBang dongsaeng, and some of his anger began to slip away. Oh, he was still fairly pissed at Seung Hyun, but he at least no longer wanted to slap him upside his big, dumb head. So. Progress.

Taeyang walked into the room, shoving his phone into his pocket “Min Hyo Rin, is going to meet us at the club, you guys ready?” he asked. 

“Don’t you think you need to put a shirt on?” Junsu asked, taking in Taeyang’s bare torso, which had remained shirtless since he’d stripped off the offending garment mid-concert, to the delight of his fans. The man was beautifully sculpted, with abs that rippled in the bright light of the dressing room. Junsu envied his form. No matter how much he worked, he could be fit, but he could never quite manage Taeyang-ripped. 

Taeyang looked down and laughed. “Man, I hadn’t even noticed. Naaahhh… I’m pretty sure everyone prefers me like this.”

“That might be true, but it’s still cold out there. Put a shirt on — or at least a jacket,” Ji Yong admonished.

“Yes, dad.” Taeyang rolled his eyes and shrugged on a shiny, leather coat that had been tossed onto one of the chairs. 

“Come on guys! Party time, come on, Junsu,” Seungri whined. “Come with us.” 

Junsu looked up at Seung Hyun. “No, really, you guys go have fun, this is your night, I just wanted to come back and say you guys did amazing. You really did your fans proud.”

“Really?” Ji Yong asked, serious. 

Junsu raised his pinky, “I swear. As a card-carrying VIP, I can tell you, you did great. If I weren’t busy, I’d come again tomorrow.”

“You should come tomorrow!” Seungri grinned, pounding him on the back. “If you can’t come to the party tonight you should come tomorrow.” 

“Stop trying to pressure Junsu,” Seung Hyun admonished him. “He really, really doesn't want to be your fucking wingman, Seungri.”

“Fine then, he should just come anyway. He’s a fan, we’re playing, he’s our friend, we’re playing, he takes you out of your shitty mood, he should be here.”

Junsu was touched by the youngest’s desire for him to be part of the group, to include him. With his friends away, he hadn’t realized how lonely he’d been. “And how many concerts have you been to of mine, Seungri?” 

“Well. None,” he said making a face, “but now that we’re friends, I’ll go. And your play stuff. We don’t really like play stuff, but if you’re in it, we’ll go. Right guys?”

“Definitely.” Junsu jumped at the voice that came from right behind him. Seung Hyun threw his arm around Junsu’s shoulders. “We’ll all go to your ‘play stuff’.”

Despite himself, Junsu smiled at the group, these people who he’d idealized for so long. These people who he’d realized were just regular guys like he and his friends. Imperfect, reckless, talented, idiots.

“Okay.”


	34. Delicate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the aftermath of their fight, Junsu needs some time to process and for once Seung Hyun just wants to talk it out. Not such an easy task when you're two top stars.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I missed the drabble last week! I promise it's not because of the new BTS zombie fic I'm doing with my friend, no, last week was the BTS concert filled with friends from all over the states who had never seen NYC before. Which meant they would not just accept me disappearing to write some TOPSU. But we're back, and now hopefully, as I'm headed into the home stretch, and after some hard-nosed poking by a fan, I'm going to try to get back to a weekly Topsu schedule, rather than drabbles. Things are speeding up, are you ready???? 
> 
> Also. I love this chapter. I love it so hard and I'm not afraid to say it. It was fun to write and so much fun to send out--but then again, who can say 'ugh no thanks' to some good old-fashioned awkward communication??

Chapter 34 

He did manage to escape the party that night, leaving Seung Hyun with his music brothers, as, though he had cooled down, he wasn’t quite ready to make nice. Allowing Seung Hyun one kiss (he wasn’t a monster, just irritated), he’d escaped to his villa and accepted two collect calls from Jaejoong, then he sent out an email to Yoochun and three texts to Seung Hyun (he was a weak, weak man).

Unfortunately, what he’d said was true, his schedule had been too busy to go to their next show or the after-party. At least, he thought, thanks to Seungri he knew that Seung Hyun wasn’t out there playing around when he wasn’t there.

Not that he really thought he would.

Not really.

His phone beeped to notify him that he had a text message.

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 4:20, April 29** **  
** You okay?

 

**From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 4:45, April 29** **  
** Yes, you?

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 4:45, April 29** **  
** Yes

 

**From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 9:47, April 29** **  
** Okay then.

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 4:47, April 29** **  
** You mad at me?

 

**From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 4:50, April 29** **  
** Why would I be mad at you?

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 4:51, April 29** **  
** You just seem   
far away

 

**From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 4:52, April 29** **  
** I’m in china   
I AM far away.

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 4:53, April 29** **  
** No.   
I just meant   
Nevermind

**From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 4:53, April 29** **  
** What?

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 4:53, April 29** **  
** I miss you I guess

 

**From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 4:54, April 29** **  
** YOu guess?

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 4:54, April 29** **  
** I miss you

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 4:55, April 29** **  
** miss you

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 4:55, April 29** **  
** miss you

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 4:55, April 29** **  
** wherever you’ve gone

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 4:56, April 29** **  
** Come back soon.

 

**From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 5:00, April 29** **  
** I’ll be back Friday   
I’m a special guest at Gummy’s concert

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 5:00, April 29** **  
** Do you want to try again?

 

**From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 5:00 April, 29** **  
** Try what?

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent:  5:00, April 29** **  
** Dating

 

**From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent:  5:01, April 29** **  
** I wasn’t aware we’d stopped

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent:  5:01, April 29** **  
** I mean   
actual dating   
or date   
the one I missed.

**From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent:  5:02, April 29** **  
** Oh. That one

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent:  5:02, April 29** **  
** I’m sorry

 

**From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent:  5:02, April 29** **  
** For what?

 

**Seung Hyun** **  
** **Sent:  5:02, April 29** **  
** the concert   
for being an asshole again

 

**From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 5:02, April 29** **  
** I wasn’t aware you’d stopped.

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** .   
**Sent:  5:03, April 29** **  
** ……   
I can’t tell if you’re being serious or not.

 

**From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent:  5:03, April 29** **  
** Sigh   
It’s fine Seung Hyun   
We’re going to be okay

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent:  5:03, April 29** **  
** Going to be?   
I wasn’t aware we’d stopped

 

**5:04, April 29** **  
** **ONE MISSED CALL: Choi Seung Hyun**

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 5:04, April 29** **  
** you should pick up the phone

 

**From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent:5:04, April 29** **  
** Can’t, I’m on a quiet set.

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 5:04, April 29** **  
** Set?

 

**From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 5:04, April 29** **  
** CF

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 5:04, April 29** **  
** What for?

 

**From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 5:05, April 29** **  
** Sunglasses.    
I’ll bring you home a pair.

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 5:05, April 29** **  
** Are you avoiding my question

 

**From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 5:06, April 29** **  
** probably

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 5:06, April 29** **  
** The night of the of the concert.   
What happened.   
I’m sorry about the water thing

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 5:07, April 29** **  
** I didn’t know

 

**From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 5:10, April 29** **  
** I over reacted.   
You just need to be more careful.

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 5:10, April 29** **  
** I will, I promise.

 

**Kim From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 5:10, April 29** **  
** Swear?  
With Pinkies?

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 5:10, April 29** **  
** Swear

 

**From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 5:11, April 29** **  
** And

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 5:11, April 29** **  
** And?

 

**From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 5:13, April 29** **  
** I’m kind of mad at you

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 5:13, April 29** **  
** I figured.   
Why?

**From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 5:13, April 29** **  
** That you would think I was just jealous of a girl

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 5:14, April 29** **  
** Aren’t you?

**From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 5:14, April 29** **  
** what?

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 5:14, April 29** **  
** Aren’t you jealous of girls?

**From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 5:15, April 29** **  
** I’m not sure what you want me to say

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 5:15, April 29** **  
** I’m jealous of anyone who gets to be near you   
jealous of people who get to publicly be with you   
People who want you

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 5:16, April 29** **  
** I want to shout at them   
Don’t touch him!   
He’s mine.

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 5:16, April 29** **  
** not that I think you belong to me

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 5:17, April 29** **  
** Okay

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 5:17, April 29** **  
** I do.   
You do, right?   
Junsu?

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 5:20, April 29** **  
** Juuunsuuu

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 5:23, April 29** **  
** I hope the pause is you on set, and not me just being awkward.

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 5:30, April 29** **  
** now I’m awkward.   
Fuck   
Can you just pretend you didn’t see that?

**From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 5:30, April 29** **  
** Nope

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 5:30, April 29** **  
** You were there the whole time weren’t you?

 

**From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 5:30, April 29** **  
** Maybe.

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** .   
**Sent: 5:31, April 29** **  
** Fucker.

 

**From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 5:31, April 29** **  
** Maybe

 

**From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 5:32, April 29** **  
** Maybe I feel like you belong to me too   
Maybe I wish I didn’t.   
But I do.

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 5:33, April 29** **  
** You wish you didn’t?

 

**From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 5:34, April 29** **  
** Sometimes it sucks

**5:34, April 29** **  
** **ONE MISSED CALL: Choi Seung Hyun**

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 5:34, April 29** **  
** Fuck   
I wish you could pick up the damn phone

 

**From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent:5:35, April 29** **  
** I don’t   
This is fine   
for now.

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 5:35, April 29** **  
** fine?

 

**From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 5:36, April 29** **  
** I like talking to you

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 5:36, April 29** **  
** wouldn’t that mean you prefer actually talking to me?   
with voices?

 

**From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 5:36, April 29** **  
** Sometimes

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** .   
**Sent: 5:36, April 29** **  
** Always?

 

**From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 5:39, April 29** **  
** Sometimes   
you confuse me.

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 5:39, April 29** **  
** Makes sense.   
You’ve been confusing me since we met.

 

**From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 5:39, April 29** **  
** Only fair.   
You’ve confounded me for years.

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 5:40, April 29** **  
** You’re going to hold that over my head forever   
aren’t you?   
I can see you, years down the road,   
Yeah, well I liked you way before you liked me

 

**From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 5:41, April 29** **  
** ...Years?

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** .   
**Sent: 5:42, April 29** **  
** Ahem.   
Fuck.

 

**From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 5:42, April 29** **  
** :)   
I’m feeling better towards you.

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 5:43, April 29** **  
** Good.   
I missed you.

 

**From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 5:43, April 29** **  
** I’m right here.

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 5:44, April** **29** **  
** No yr not.

 

**From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 5:44, April 29** **  
** Well. China is almost here.

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** .   
**Sent: 5:44, April 29** **  
** Not what I meant   
and you know it.

 

**From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 5:45, April 29** **  
** Maybe.   
I like to hear you say it.   
Type it   
You know what I mean   
Makes me feel good.

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 5:47, April 29** **  
** You should feel good.   
You deserve to feel good.   
I want to make you feel good.

 

**From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 5:47, April 29** **  
** I’m not sexting with you, Seung Hyun-ah   
I’m at work.   
They are about to take my picture.

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 5:48, April 29** **  
** Didn’t mean it that way.   
Although, now that I think about it…

 

**From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 5:48, April 29** **  
** ATWORK   
I can’t be hard at work

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 5:48, April 29** **  
** Why not?   
You got me hard at work.

 

**From: Kim Junsu** .   
**Sent: 5:49 April 29** **  
** After work.   
I got you hard AFTER WORK   
Not when you were up on stage for all to see

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 5:49, April 29** **  
** That’s what you think.

 

**From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 5:52, April 29** **  
** You’re an idiot

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 5:52, April 29** **  
** You love it.

 

**From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 5:52, April 29** **  
** I kind of do.

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 5:52, April 29** **  
** Now who’s the idiot?

 

**From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 5:52, April 29** **  
** Still you.

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 5:54, April 29** **  
** Yeah.   
Probably.   
And I will probably be an idiot again.

 

**From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 5:54, April 29** **  
** I figured that

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 5:54, April 29** **  
** Bear with me.

 

**From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 5:55, April 29** **  
** What? You have to go?

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 5:55, April 29** **  
** No. I mean while I try not to be an idiot anymore.

 

**From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 5:55 April, 29** **  
** I’m not sure you have that much effort in you.

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 5:56, April 29** **  
** Fucker.

 

**From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 5:58, April 29** **  
** :) BRB   
Gotta go get my hot star on   
earn your new pair of sunglasses

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 5:58, April 29** **  
** Get me a good one.

 

**From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 7:10, April 29** **  
** Okay, I’m back   
you still there?

 

**From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 7:15, April 29** **  
** Bummer

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** .   
**Sent: 7:32, April 29** **  
** I’m here   
How did it go?

 

**From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 7:39, April 29** **  
** I was amazing of course

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 7:40, April 29** **  
** of course.   
Why did I doubt you?

 

**From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 7:40, April 29** **  
** No idea   
You’re an idiot?

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 7:40, Ap** **ril 29** **  
** Probably.

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 7:41, April 29** **  
** So.   
Saturday?

 

**From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 7:50, April 29** **  
** Is a day

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 7:51, April 29** **  
** What?

 

**Kim From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 7:51, April 29** **  
** Saturday.   
Is a day of the week.

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 7:52, April 29** **  
** you’re lucky you’re so cute.

 

**From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 7:53 April, 29** **  
** I say that about you a lot

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 7:53, April 29** **  
** Saturday.   
You’re back   
Date night?   
Try again?

 

**From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 7:53, April 29** **  
** You gonna show this time?

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 7:55, April 29** **  
** …..

 

**From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 7:55, April 29** **  
** Sorry.

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah** **  
** **Sent: 7:56, April 29** **  
** Saturday   
Date night.   
You in?

 

**From: Kim Junsu** **  
** **Sent: 8:03, April 29** **  
** I’m in.


	35. Realities of the Dream Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter Junsu finally gets to cross a very important item off his boyfriend list, but will Seung Hyun be okay with the addition of another?

_ Seven days, _ Seung Hyun thought as he checked his watch before looking up again to where he thought Junsu’s windows were. Seven days since he’d last seen him last. Seven days since he had last touched him, since he last saw him smile, heard him laugh. 

God. He was a fucking sap.

He shook it off, disgusted with himself.  _ Get ahold of yourself _ , he admonished.  _ You are not some teenaged girl angsting over your first crush. You’re a grown-ass man… angsting over your first crush. Fuck. _ He stomped his feet, trying to stamp feeling back into them. They just got done with doing concerts — some fucking successful concerts so why, again, did they have to spend so much time at the gym? It was like Hwangsabu could see all the dietary wrongs he had committed with the punishing schedule being a top band with a new album entailed and made it as his personal mission to stomp them out of Seung Hyun. 

Checking his watch one final time, he realized there was no use for it, he was going to have to go in, go in or lose his dignity — or lose whatever dignity remained after waiting at the foot of Junsu’s building, waiting for their date to begin. 

Nothing was going to go wrong with this date, not if he could help it. 

So what if he arrived a half hour early? It’s not like he didn’t have work he could do while sitting in the car. So what if he now carried a bouquet the size of his head? It’s not like he went out of his way to get them. He didn’t go to the florist, choosing each exact bloom that went into it. It’s not like he had both plans a, b, AND c created and squirreled away — that was just good planning. Well prepared. That’s what he was, totally and completely whipped. No. Not at all. 

He strode through the discreetly ornate lobby, heading towards the bank of elevators on the far side of the room. 

“Excuse me! Sir!” the voice loud abrasive voice called out to him from the doorway. 

He turned to see a short and wiry man sitting at the desk by the door. The man, who looked to be around Seung Hyun’s father's age and from his uniform was obviously the bellman, frowned at him and gestured Seung Hyun over to his desk. Seung Hyun looked quickly around him to see if there was someone in the area the man could possibly be referring to before pointing to himself. “Me?” he asked. 

“Yah, kid, get over here,” the man said, hoisting himself out of the chair. “You gotta check in.”

Sheepishly Seung Hyun ducked his head.  _ Idiot _ , he thought and walked over to the man. 

“Sorry about that,” he said. “I thought… nevermind.” 

“What’s your name, kid?” the man asked, looking Seung Hyun over. Seung Hyun returned the favor, surprised, and yet feeling embarrassed for it, that the man didn’t automatically know who he was. It had been a while since he’d bumped into a person who didn’t at least have an inkling. “Choi Seung Hyun.” 

“And you’re here to see…” the man prompted as if Seung Hyun were a slow child. 

“…Kim Junsu,” Seung Hyun said, clearing his throat. 

“What’s the code word?” the man asked, sitting back smugly seemingly sure in the fact that Seung Hyun would not be able to answer the question. Which irritated Seung Hyun, especially considering the fact that, no, he had no idea what the password was. 

“I don’t know it,” he said. “Look. I’m Junsu’s friend. Choi Seung Hyun.” He leaned forward and tugged his sunglasses up off his face. “From BigBang?”

“I don’t care who you are. You don’t know what the code word is, you aren’t going upstairs. Mr. Kim is very particular who gets upstairs to his apartment.”

Stamping down his irritation, Seung Hyun realized this was just another example of Junsu being careful with the separation between him and the crazy outer world. He wondered if his building had this sort of security and then chided himself for not knowing. Junsu was right, he did take some unnecessary chances. 

“You wait here while I call up.”

The man picked up a phone from behind his tall desk, hit a few buttons, and waited, all while giving Seung Hyun the look as if he knew he was up to no good. “Yes. Mr. Kim. There’s a man here who wants to come up to your apartment… no, he didn’t know the code. He says he knows you, but I don’t know, he looks pretty suspicious, and I watched him outside scoping the building for about 10 minutes.” 

Good. God. Seung Hyun wanted to curl up into a tiny little ball of embarrassment and slink away.

“Says his name is…” He looked over to Seung Hyun and nodded, gesturing to him. Seung Hyun awkwardly cleared his throat. “Choi Seung Hyun.”

“Says his name is Choi Seung Hyun. From some BigBang.” He sat there and listened before nodding. “Fine, I’ll let him up. Just, next time you have a visitor, give him the code.” 

He turned back to Seung Hyun. “You can go on up now.” 

Relieved to get through that hurdle, even if it cost him his dignity, Seung Hyun impatiently hit the button for the elevator.

When he finally reached Junsu's door, he took a moment to compose himself, wondering if there was any chance Junsu could suddenly come down with some sort of short-term amnesia and forget the knowledge that Seung Hyun had been lurking outside his door. 

The door opened, and there he was. Junsu, looking hot as fuck. With bright, fucking, blue hair. 

“Woah,” Seung Hyun breathed out. 

“I hope that’s for how extremely hot I look tonight and not for the weird hair color,” Junsu said, patting the top of his head with a nervousness that belied his words. Now that the shock had settled in, Seung Hyun took in the rest of Junsu. He wore slender, black, tailored suit with shiny shoes and a white button-down which clung to his form. 

“No lie, it was the hair color. But now?” He grinned. 

Junsu smiled and made a show of punching him in the shoulder. “Jerk.” 

“So. Blue. Really, fucking blue.”

“Really, fucking blue. I chose it myself. Do you not like it?” Junsu asked, batting his eyes up at him. 

Now that he thought about it, no, he couldn't find a single thing wrong with it. 

“You look great.” 

“I know. Thank you for noticing,” Junsu said demurely, swooping his gaze downwards, noticing the large bag Seung Hyun carried with him. “Being a little presumptuous aren’t you?” 

“What?” he asked and then followed Junsu’s eyes down to the bag. “No. It’s. Here.” He dug his hand into the bag and pulled out the bouquet of flowers that this time around were no offhand, last minute thought and thrust them at Junsu. 

“You got me flowers again?” Junsu asked, beaming up at him before dipping his head to smell the bright blooms. “They are beautiful, Seung Hyun-ah.”

“Yeah. Well,” Seung Hyun said, the awkward flowing back to him. “I remember how excited you were about the other ones so I figured if we’re trying this again, might as well go all the way.” 

“Whatever happened to the last bunch?” Junsu asked. 

“It was over a week ago. They died. Like flowers do.” 

“Yes, but before that,” Junsu said patiently as if talking to a child. “What did you do with them before they died?” 

“I don’t remember,” he said, figuring he’d had enough embarrassment for one day.

Junsu cocked his head up at him, considering as he fiddled with the flowers in his hands. “You tell me what you did with the flowers, and I won’t ask you why you lurked my building for 10 minutes. Yeah. I saw you.” 

“Next to my bed,” Seung Hyun mumbled. 

“I'm sorry, what?”

“Next to my bed. They made me think of you so I put them next to my bed. And I was down there because I wanted to make sure nothing went wrong this time around,” he said, rushing out with it. He figured he might as well lay everything out on the table. Junsu deserved that at least. 

“Next to your… awwwww… you are to fudging adorable, aren’t you?” Junsu asked, his eyes were soft and warm, making Seung Hyun once again aware of the fact that it had been seven days since they’d seen each other and also horribly aware of the fact that they were outside in a hallway where anyone could walk by and he couldn’t properly say hello. 

“I could be more adorable inside your door,” Seung Hyun said, throwing in an eyebrow wiggled just in case Junsu had suddenly turned dumb and hadn’t caught his meaning.

With a laugh, Junsu placed his hand on Seung Hyun’s shoulder and pushed him back. “No way, you wait here, and I’ll be right back with my coat.” 

“Why,” he asked. “Don’t you like it when I’m… adorable?” Junsu bit his lip, looking like he was considering it. Yeah, Seung Hyun thought, his eyebrow had yet to fail him.

Just when he thought he might win out, when he thought he was just that much closer to getting his hands on Junsu, the man slipped through his door. “No. I let you in now and we’ll never leave. I want the date you’ve been promising me.” 

With a sigh, Seung Hyun leaned his shoulder into the doorway. He figured it was okay, there would be plenty of chances for him tonight. Wasn’t that what dating was all about?

Per Junsu’s dating list, Seung Hyun had booked them into a swanky room in a French-Korean fusion resteraunt that was hot enough to be popular and yet discreet enough for them not to make a fuss over the two. Of course, it was a suggestion of Ji Yong’s. Just as Seung Hyun figured, the man was a wealth of celebrity dating tips — right down to a move that had almost gotten Ji Yong jumped if Seung Hyun hadn't been dying with embarrassment — a box filled with condoms and personal lubricant. “Ribbed for his pleasure!” 

The food was amazing, and they used the time to catch up, sticking to light, surface topics. Chatting like they were a regular couple — or a regular star couple. He’d booked for them a private room,, so there was no one to see them, leaving them alone to do what they wanted without fear of being seen and Junsu kept placing morsel after morsel on Seung Hyun’s plate until he had to chide him to save some for himself and, when that didn’t work, resorted to placing his own selections onto Junsu’s plate, creating a ridiculous food conveyor belt that had them laughing like a couple of adolescents.

Finally, tired of the game, Seung Hyun picked up a juicy scallop in his chopsticks and lifted it to Junsu’s lips. “Eat.” 

Sobering, Junsu eyed Seung Hyun, his eyes heavy, and he opened his mouth, his tongue curling around the scallop, pulling past his full lips, into his mouth, before he chewed deliberately, his full lips shifting, catching the light as he moved. “Mmmm…” he said, low in his throat. 

Seung Hyun was taken back to the night of the concert. The feeling of being in Junsu’s warm, moist mouth. Of those lips, wrapped around him. Of the feel of his cock being gently scraped by Junsu’s teeth. His breath caught, and he gulped hard. 

Closing his eyes, Junsu swallowed, and Seung Hyun watched the movement of his mouth, his throat. Suddenly, Junsu’s eyes popped open and he smiled brightly at Seung Hyun. “Thanks, that was so yummy.” 

The little shit was playing him! He knew exactly what he did to him, what he was thinking of. Seung Hyun chucked his napkin at Junsu’s bright, blue head. “Brat.” 

Shrugging, Junsu finally dug into his food and began to eat in earnest. “This is news to you?” 

They settled into their food, into their night, enjoying each other's company, enjoying being able to leave the trappings of stardom behind them for a while. 

“So. Next week I’m going away,” Seung Hyun said as they sat there after dinner, enjoying a truly beautiful 2009  Chateau Margaux while Junsu plowed through an artfully arranged lemon tart. 

“Really? Where to?” Junsu asked, looking up from his dish, giving the spoon a swirl, licking off the last remnants of the tart. Seung Hyun decided to ignore him this time around — although this time he was fairly certain it wasn’t an act, it was just Junsu’s adorable way of enjoying food. Throwing himself into it with as much dedication and fervor as he did the rest of his world. 

“Jeju. We’re shooting a music video for one for the new songs. I just wanted to let you know I’ll be out of town.” 

“Huh,” Junsu said. “What a coincidence. I was going to tell you I’m going to be away next week.” 

“We’re going away at the same time? Well, that’s helpful.”

“Jeju.”

“What?” Seung Hyun asked. 

“I’m going to Jeju.”

“No fucking way.” 

“Yep. I have a soccer tournament and my brother is going to be in town, so I thought I’d spend a few days at Toscana with my family.” 

“We’re going to be on Jeju at the same time?” Seung Hyun was having trouble wrapping his brain around it. “What are the chances?”

“Me and math never got along very well,” Junsu said with a shrug of his shoulders. “Can we just chalk it up to ‘wahoo’?”

“Wahoo, it is,” Seung Hyun laughed. 

“Sooo…” Junsu said, drawing out the word. He fiddled with the deep red napkin in his hand, smoothing around the edges. “What’s your schedule like next week?”

“Well. I’m going to Jeju.” He sat back in his chair and took a sip at the delicate wine, rolling it around his tongue, enjoying the feel of the wine glass, heavy and cool in his hand. He swirled the red wine leisurely around, watching it spin. 

“Smart-ass. I mean. Well. If you have time. Maybe, since we’ll both be there. You might want to stay? Like for a few days? With me?”

He was delightfully awkward, his boyfriend. The man who was so eager at some moments. So caring at others. Aggressive, when he deemed it necessary. Seun Hyun realized he was coming to adore all of those parts. 

“A few days with you? Just you and me?”

“You could stay at Toscana. We can do nature stuff. Or hang out in the sauna and make out. You know. Couple vacation-y things. Maybe… you could meet my parents?” 

“Your parents?” Seung Hyun’s brain stuttered a bit. “You want me to meet your parents? Like your mom and dad?” Junsu chewed nervously on his bottom lip, pulling hard on the skin, his cheeks turned a light shade of pink. 

“And...my brother? Unless it’s too soon! Or it weirds you out! Or it… never mind. Bad idea.” 

“Junsu. Stop freaking out. You want me to meet your parents? You mean tell them about us?”

Junsu’s eyes widened, and he waved his hand frantically in front of him. “No way!” 

Seung Hyun relaxed back down into his seat. He may really like Junsu. He may even feel even more for him, but he wasn’t ready to come out to anyone other than Junsu. And, he guessed, Ji Yong. “Then why do you want me to meet them?” 

“You, well, okay don’t let this go to your head or anything, but you’re such an important part of my life now, I kind of feel bad I haven’t let them in on it. I just want them to meet you. To let them know that you exist for me.” He looked down to the napkin he was now folding into intricate squares, folding, unfolding, folding, unfolding. “That’s all.” 

“Then I’m in,” Seung Hyun said. 

Junsu gasped and clapped his hands together, his face breaking out into a wide Junsu grin.  “Really? Are you sure? Are you really, really sure? If you don’t feel comfortable in any way you don’t have to do it.” 

“No. This is important to you, Junsu. And if it means that much to you, I want to do it. I’m pretty sure it’s in the rulebook of being a good boyfriend.” 

“There’s a rulebook to being a good boyfriend?” Junsu asked. 

“Yeah. How do you think I got to be such a good one?” At Junsu’s snort, Seung Hyun laughed. “Okay, so maybe it’s how I’ll learn to be a better boyfriend.”

“Right now I think you’re the best, most absolutely perfect boyfriend in the world.” 

“Really?”

“No!” he said plainly. “That’s a lie, you’re pretty terrible, but don’t worry, we can fix that.”

**********

Stomachs full, they left the restaurant. 

“Ugh. I think I’m having a food baby,” Junsu said, patting his stomach. “I ate so much food I’m pretty sure none of my clothes will fit tomorrow. That lemon tart though? Ooh! And all that cheese? I don’t regret a thing — even if I’m going to have to go to the gym so I don’t turn into a round, little, Junsu ball.” He poofed out his cheeks, grinning at Seung Hyun, only to stop when the rounded the corner and almost careened into a couple of giggling ahjummas. He bowed politely and pulled his forgotten mask out of his pocket, gesturing for Seung Hyun to do the same. 

Since they were in public they were careful not to be obvious. However, Seung Hyun walked close enough so that they were able to brush their hands together as they walked. He wanted nothing more than to take Junsu’s hand in his. Maybe some time away from the city, some time out of the spotlight was exactly what they needed. 

But what would Junsu expect? A thought struck him. Would he want to sleep with him? It’s a romantic weekend. It made sense. It was where they were headed. It made sense. He wanted Junsu. It made sense. But his senses started tingling, and he thought about them, alone, in a hotel room. Junsu waiting on him to take off his clothes. Expecting him. Because it was perfectly natural to expect that, to want that from your partner, your boyfriend. Intimacy. Nakedness. Sex. 

If Junsu thought he was a round beach ball what would he think of Seung Hyun?

He tried breathing through the panic. Tried to talk himself down. Where the fuck had this come from? They were doing well. As Junsu said, he took off his coat! They’d done… stuff. Tonight they were having a perfectly nice time. Where was this coming from? And how did he make it stop?

Of course, if he knew why, if he knew how to make it stop, he wouldn't really be in this position, would he?

He felt the gentle tug at his arm, the fabric at his elbow. “Breathe, Seung Hyun-ah,” Junsu whispered in a low voice. “Breathe.” 

“I am,” Seung Hyun choked out. Trying not to let Junsu in, trying for some semblance of normal. 

“Do you really think you can hide from me?” Junsu said, tugging at his arm a little harder. “You can’t. Remember that. You’re okay. You might not be able to believe me now, but you are. You’re gorgeous. You’re such a good person. Okay. Sometimes you’re a complete asshole, but beyond that you’re amazing. And someday I’m going to make you realize this — so do me a favor and breathe.” 

Seung Hyun let out a shuddery breath. “I just. I don’t—” 

“I want to go to Jeju and spend time with you, Seung Hyun. Not to have my way with you. Of course, if you should decide to have your way with me… let’s just say I wouldn’t say no. But if it doesn’t happen. That’s fine. We’re fine. Okay?”

Seung Hyun nodded. “Okay.” 

“Now focus on me and how adorable I am. That’s all you need to do right now.” Junsu scrunched up his face giving Seung Hyun a taste of his wide variety of aegyeo poses. It was the kitten mew accompanied by the Junsu paw hands that finally made him chuckle in spite of himself. 

Through the drive back to Junsu’s house, Seung Hyun was silent. No longer freaking out, just quiet, listening to Junsu chattering along as though silence was a thing to be afraid of. The constant flow of conversation was welcome as it slowly drew him out of the darkness he’d quickly and scarily fallen into.

“So then I caught Leo sitting on top of the litter box waiting for Leo to come out, so he could jump on him. He’s such a brat!”

Junsu directed Seung Hyun to the underground parking structure at his building. He zipped into a spot and quietly turned the car off. “Wait here,” he said and climbed out the door and hurried around the car, pulling open the door for a surprised Junsu.

“Was that in your boyfriend book?” Junsu teased.

“Get out of the car,” Seung Hyun laughed.

Junsu held out his hand to him, expectantly, and with a sigh, Seung Hyun grabbed it and tugged Junsu up and out of the car. 

“You’re lucky you’re so cute,” he said looking down at him. They were so close now that mere inches separated them, and Junsu leaned closer until his chest just barely brushed Seung Hyun’s. 

“Isn’t that my line?” he asked wrinkling his nose. 

The elevator dinged across from them, a reminder of the fact that they were technically in a public space and Seung Hyun quickly stepped backward — a safe, friendly distance from Junsu.

“Kim Junsu-shi!” The older woman, leaning heavily on a cane and dressed in a traditional, ornate hanbok, called out to them. Seung Hyun took another step backward and bowed politely. 

“Good evening, halmoni,” Junsu said, giving her a neat bow of his own. “Where are you going so late?” 

“Oh, I just found out my grandchildren will be  here in the morning, and I wanted to get them a special treat.” 

Junsu hurried over to the woman’s side and grabbed her hand between his. “Halmoni, it’s too late for you to be outside. Tell me what you need, and I will pick it up for you.”

She patted his hand. “No need dear, I’ve already called a car.” She looked over at Seung Hyun and then back at Junsu. “Who is your friend?”

Seung Hyun watched as Junsu flushed, his cheeks a bashful pink. “This is my friend Seung Hyun. We just went and got some dinner.”

“I was going to say you looked quite nice this evening,” she said. “Although that hair is atrocious. Whoever did that to such an attractive young man should be punished.” 

Junsu blushed even brighter, from pink to full on red, the color clashing with said electric blue. 

“I don’t know why boys today feel the need to color their hair so. Look at your friend. He’s very attractive with that natural color.”

Seung Hyun couldn’t resist the urge to tease Junsu. “I was telling him the same thing, halmoni. Boys today with their crazy hair colors.” 

Junsu shot him a look that told Seung Hyun he was going to pay later for his comments.

“I don’t know what is going on with the word today,” the woman said, shaking her head sadly. “Back in my day…” She was cut off by the arrival of a sleek, black car. 

“Well, halmoni, I hope you have a nice visit with your grandkids,” Junsu said.

“Oh, I will,” she said, pausing before she got into the car. “And when are you going to finally settle down, young man? I’m sure your mother is ready for some grandchildren of her own.” 

Junsu’s face fell, and he turned, opening up the car door for her. “Soon, halmoni, soon.”

He held her elbow and led her into the car, waving off the driver who had gotten out to do the same thing. Settling her inside, he stood silent, as the car zipped out of the parking structure. Seung Hyun stepped forward and circled his hand around Junsu’s elbow. 

“Come on, nice young man, let’s get you to your door.”

Junsu punched in the code for his floor, and the elevator silently zipped them upstairs. The two didn’t speak, each settled into their own solo spaces. When they reached Junsu’s floor, and the elevator dinged, and the doors slid open, they made their way to Junsu’s door — Seung Hyun’s hand still lightly holding Junsu’s elbow. 

There they stopped, and Junsu turned to look at him, his face pale and thoughtful. Seung Hyun checked around the hallway. Luckily, it appeared as though Junsu was on a floor with just two other residences. 

“You okay?” he asked, sliding his hand down from Junsu’s elbow to slip his hand into his. 

“Of course,” Junsu said, putting a smile on his face. “I just had a date with you. Which was perfect by the way. I checked a very important item off the boyfriend list — and we are going on a mini-break next week. You did good.”

Seung Hyun studied him as, despite his words, the smile didn’t quite reach his eyes — which he knew now since he made it his job to be an expert on all of Junsu’s different smiles. 

“We’re not done yet,” he said, his voice teasing, trying to pull Junsu out of whatever hole he’d fallen into. Seung Hyun was supposed to be the broody one in this relationship. 

“What… what do you mean?” Junsu asked, startled, his eyes widening. 

Leaning in, Seung Hyun invaded Junsu’s space, ducking his head until their lips were just shades apart. Until Junsu’s thoughts left the unhappy place and were filled with him, with them, just as they should be for tonight. Their night. 

“The last part of the date, remember?” Seung Hyun breathed, his lips almost, barely, touching Junsu’s so that Junsu could hear as well as feel his words.

Junsu stared up at him, startled, confused, and wanting. He shook his head again, ghosting their lips together. “No?”

Cocking his eyebrow, Seung Hyun inched in, brushing their lips together more solidly before backing away again. Taunting Junsu. Teasing. 

“Think about it,” he said, repeating the action, watching Junsu’s eyes darken as the shadows disappeared.

“You should probably remind me. I’m pretty forgetful,” Junsu said, leaning in himself, mapping his hips across Seung Hyun’s once before retreating back. 

“Hmmm… now, who has the bad memory?” Seung Hyun teased. “I seem to remember — remind me if I'm wrong — this is supposed to end with you deciding on whether or not to kiss me.”

“Are you sure?” Junsu asked in pretend surprise. “That doesn’t sound like me. So forward.” He leaned in and this time, instead of his lips, Seung Hyun felt Junsu’s soft, warm tongue lap lightly at his lips. Teasing. He resisted the urge to yank Junsu close to him, to take him in his arms and take those lips as his own, but this was Junsu’s night. Junsu’s dream. 

“Pretty sure.” He pacified himself by copying Junsu’s move, flicking his tongue over one of his favorite places to be, Junsu’s full, bottom lip. He lingered there, just a moment, tasting Junsu and the faint flavor of lemon before pulling back. Junsu’s lips unconsciously followed him, wanting the contact, and Seung Hyun smiled smugly. He did enjoy winning a good game. 

“Huh. Well. If you say so,” Junsu said, fumbling his hand backwards, feeling for the doorknob. “But just a kiss. You heard the halmoni, I am a good boy.” The door opened and they slid in, away from eyes, away from the words of others, away from the buzz of their inner monologs. 

“The very best,” Seung Hyun said, kicking the door shut behind them.


	36. We Like 2 Party Separately Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Both Seung Hyun and Junsu are looking forward to their mini-break on Jeju. If only it were that simple....

**Choi Seung Hyun** **  
** You Here?

 

 **Junsu** **  
** Define Here.

 **Choi Seung Hyun** **  
** Jeju

 

 **Junsu** **  
** Yes! Someone wants to say hi.

 

 **Choi Seung Hyun** **  
** Who?

 

**Junsu**

 

Woof.   
Pssst. That means hello.

 

 **Choi Seung Hyun** **  
** Found your dog did you?

 

 **Junsu** **  
** We’re by the pool pretending it’s not too cold to go in.

 

 **Choi Seung Hyun** **  
** You’re not actually going to go in are you?   
I don’t want you getting sick.

 

 **Junsu** **  
** Awww…. Are you watching out for me?   
Do you care about me?   
Do you liiiiiike me?   
Awwww…..

 

 **Choi Seung Hyun** **  
** You suck.

 

 **Junsu**   
I do. Or did you forget already?

 

 **Choi Seung Hyun** **  
** Now who’s trying to send me dirty texts at work?

 

 **Junsu** **  
** Kekekekekekekekekekkekeke   
Sorry.   
Not really though.   
I’ll just pretend to be sorry.   
See my aegyo face?

  
Just try and stay mad at all this cuteness.

 

 **Choi Seung Hyun** **  
** You’re right. Damn it Junsu.

 

 **Junsu**   
I’m sure you didn’t text so I could sexually harass you.   
What’s up

 

 **Choi Seung Hyun**   
Not sure how to say this.

 

 **Junsu**   
Uhoh   
You’re not on Jeju are you?   
You’re in Seoul. Or are you in China now?   
Stupid China.   
Why China? Jeju is way better.   
Look at this. Look at what you’re passing up   
  


Whoops  
I mean this.

 

 **Choi Seung Hyun** **  
** Junsu   
Chill.   
I’m in Jeju.   
Actually a mile or two out from Toscana.

 

 **Junsu**   
SO if there is no China threat, then what’s the problem?

 

 **Choi Seung Hyun** **  
** They want to film us tonight.   
I won’t actually be free until late tomorrow.

 

 **Junsu**   
NoooooooooOOOoooo   
But what about our plan?   
It was a good plan.

 

 **Choi Seung Hyun**   
I’ll still be there tomorrow.   
Just later in the day.

 

 **Junsu**   
Yes, but I was supposed to get you tonight   
No tonight, only a teeny tiny part of tomorrow?   
Might as well not even count it.

 

 **Choi Seung Hyun**   
Are you pouting?

 

 **Junsu** **  
** Why?   
Am I not allowed?   
Are you anti-pout?   
It’s not a pretty look for you

 

 **Choi Seung Hyun** **  
** You’re in a weird mood today.   
Exactly how many americanos have you had?

 

 **Junsu** **  
** …………   
Five   
Okay. Maybe six.   
But I refuse to admit to 7

 

 **Choi Seung Hyun** **  
** JUNSU

 

 **Junsu** **  
** Don’t like it?   
You should come over here and make me stop   
Oh wait. You can't. You’re working late.   
Mmmmmm,.....   
Americano

 

 **Choi Seung Hyun** **  
** When you go crazy it’s gonna be ugly.

 

 **Junsu**   
That’s okay, you won’t be here to see it.

 

 **Choi Seung Hyun** **  
** Gotta go, being called. TTYL

 

 **Junsu** **  
** okbye

 

 **Choi Seung Hyun**   
FUCK

 

 **Junsu** **  
** What?   
You okay?   
Do you need help?   
I'll come and get you right now!

 

 **Choi Seung Hyun** **  
** Junsu. STOP IT WITH THE AMERICANOs   
You're not going to sleep for a week.

 

 **Junsu** **  
** SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK   
Srsly. What's wrong?   
They push you back further?   
You're not going to be able to come out all?

 

 **Choi Seung Hyun** **  
** I just took Seungri's head to the nuts.   
I think I've lost all ability to have kids.

 

 **Junsu**   
I WILL MURDER HIM.   
Wait.   
What was Seungri doing around your...manparts?   
Are you cheating on me with SEungri?   
SEungri of all people?   
GD sure.   
Taeyang definitely.

 

 **Choi Seung Hyun** **  
** They were filming us playing leapfrog.   
Wait   
what the fuck do you mean by Taeyang definitely?

 

 **Junsu** **  
** Um. Look at him.

 

 **Choi Seung Hyun** **  
**........

 

 **Junsu**   
I mean for you   
If I were you   
And not me   
in the group   
I mean.   
crap.   
Can you promise to blame the americano if I promise never to drink one again?

 

 **Choi Seung Hyun** **  
** I'm going to go ice my balls.

 

 **Junsu**   
Have fun?

 

 **Choi Seung Hyun** **  
** Sorry.   
No longer upset I'm not going to make it tonight.

 

 **Junsu** **  
** what the?   
why?   
is it still the Taeyang thing?

 

 **Choi Seung Hyun** **  
** If I were there I would have missed out on this

 

 **Junsu** **  
** Kekekekekekeke   
you look adorable

 

 **Choi Seung Hyun** **  
** Fuck yeah I do   
Gotta go. They're letting us drink   
First time YG has encouraged me to get drunk

 

 **Junsu**   
Okay. Be careful

**********

When his phone rang at two thirty in the morning, Junsu bolted upright out of bed. Two thirty in the morning calls can only mean one thing. Someone is dead. Or injured. Or injured and dead. Tossing down the manga he’d been reading, he dove for the nightstand.

“What’s wrong!” he gasped.

“I like to paaaarty! Yeahh, yeah, yeah, yeah… I like to party,” a voice slurred out to him.

“Who is this?” he pulled the phone away from his ear and peered at the call screen. “Seung Hyun-ah? What’s wrong, are you okay?”

“I like to party! Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeahhh,” Seung Hyun mumble-sang.

He paused a moment, before it hit him. Seung Hyun was drunk off his ass. Smiling, he chuckled into the phone.

“You having a good time, baby?”

“Yeahhh, yeahhh, yeahhh, yeahh.”

“The shoot go well I take it?”

“Junsu.”

“What?”

“Juuuuunsu.”

“What?” he asked, stretching his legs, propping his feet up on Xiahki, who was curled up on the edge of his bed. If his mom knew he was letting the dog sleep with him, she’d murder him, but it was worth it, he thought scratching the dog's ear with his toe. He’d missed his dog so much while he’d been on the island.

“Where are you?”

“I’m at Toscana, remember?”

“Wanna see you.”

Junsu could almost hear the pout in Seung Hyun’s voice.

“You’ll see me tomorrow,” Junsu said.

Tomorrow, and the tomorrow after that, and the tomorrow after that one, and the tomorrow after that one. He still couldn’t believe they were going to have the whole weekend together. Well, that is, of course, if Seung Hyun managed to make it through what appeared to be a booze-fest video shoot.

“Wanna see you now.”

“You’re shooting now.”

“No. Shooting done. Come find me.”

“Where are you?” he asked.

“Dunno. Ju-ju.”

“Jeju is a pretty big place.”

“On a beach.”

Junsu bolted upright in bed. “What beach? Are you with the others?”

“Nope. Losers went to bed. Shhhh… I snuck out.”

“So you’re at a beach by yourself right now?” Junsu hopped out of bed, threw off his pajamas, and tugged on a pair of running pants and a hoodie.

“Shhhh… come find me.”

“Where are you? On the beach by Ji Yong’s pension?”

“Uhhuh. Juuunsu, guess what?”

“What?” Junsu asked, whistling to Xiahki and heading out the door of his suite.

“Are you listening?” he said sweetly.

“Yes. What is it?”

“I like to party! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeahhhh,” Seung Hyun crooned in his ear.

“I’m super happy for you, drunky. Now, stay right where you are. Don’t move an inch until I come find you.” He thought for a second. “Unless you’re in the water. Then get out of the water. Or if you’re on some sort of cliff. Then back away from the cliff. Or if you…”

“…party… yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah…”

“Right. Try not to die in the next 10 minutes, okay?”

“Are you coming?” Seung Hyun asked.

“Yes, I’m coming you idiot. Someone has to save you from yourself.”

“Junsu.”

“What?”

“Xia Junsu.”

“Yes?”

“Baby.”

“Uhhuh?”

“Babe.”

“You are worse than a child, Seung Hyun.”

“I think I’m drunk.”

“No kidding.”

**********

A quick call to a very much awake Ji Yong (thank god Ji Yong had offered to exchange phone numbers) told him exactly where to find Seung Hyun and alleviated his worry that he was about to fall off a cliff somewhere.

Junsu zipped through the winding roads, wishing the weather was warm enough for him to roll the windows down. The way Xiahki kept looking over at him forlornly and then back at the window, told him he wished the same. The dog, realizing he had Junsu’s attention, gave a pitiful sigh. Unable to resist, Junsu jacked up the heat and rolled down the window. He was a weak, weak man.

It only took a few minutes to get to Ji Yong’s family pension and he pulled into a parking area filled with nanny vans and production vehicles. Deciding it was best to keep a low profile, he and Xiahki edged around the property to the back yard. Spotting Ji Yong sitting at one of the small, round tables, casually smoking as he scrolled through his phone, Junsu waved at him and bowed slightly in thanks. With a silent laugh, Ji Yong nodded back to him and pointed him to the direction of the beach. And Seung Hyun.

As soon as they hit the beach, he pulled off his shoes and dug his toes into the smooth sand. He missed the feeling of sand under his toes while he was in the city. Taking a deep breath of the clean, salty air, he shivered as a cool breeze blew up from the incoming surf. Next to him Xiahki whined lightly, nudging him.

“Okay, boy,” he said as he bent down and unclipped the leash. With a happy bark, Xiahki took off for the water, biting at the ripples of tide that lapped at the beach. Junsu scanned the beach, looking for his own bit of happy.

There he was.

Someone had had the forethought to add some wooden adirondack chairs on the beach, away from the surf, and Seung Hyun, bundled in a coat, slouched low in one of the big chairs. Junsu took a moment and just watched him — staring at his profile in the light of the full moon. His man, who, in the light of day, hardly stopped moving, who got embarrassed if you looked at him for too long, who was a bundle of contradictions and loveliness. Watching him quietly sit there in the light of the moon, stilled by the hypnotic sight and sound of the waves. Junsu’s heart felt full just from watching him, his dumb heart that beat harder just at the thought of being with Seung Hyun.

Dumb heart.

Tucking his hands deep into the pockets of his coat, Junsu shuffled through the sand, quietly making his way over to Seung Hyun.

“Hey, baby,” he said, his voice low.

Seung Hyun turned from the sight of the ocean and gazed up at him, his eyes slightly unfocused.

“Junsu-yah.” he whispered back, his voice slurring. “How are you here?”

“You called me.”

“I did?” he asked, looking surprised. “Yay me.”

Unable to stop himself, Junsu laughed. “You’re cute when you’re plastered, you know that?”

“I’m always cute,” Seung Hyun said with a satisfied smile. “Come sit.”

Junsu looked around the beach and watched Xiahki as he continued to happily run up and down the water’s edge.

“Okay.”

He circled the chairs and sat down on the hard wooden seat.

“These always look more comfortable then they are.”

The quiet of the night settled around them until it seemed like the universe had shrunk until it was just them, the waves, the stars, and one happy dog.

“We’re doing it,” Seung Hyun said

“Doing what?” he asked.

“­’member? You said we’d watch the stars on Jeju together.”

Junsu smiled, remembering that time that seemed so long ago. When he’d cheekily sent out that message, when he pretended he wasn’t nervous, scared out of his skin that it wouldn’t work out, that Seung Hyun would push him away.

When he’d sent those tickets, when he’d gone to the planetarium that night, he wasn’t sure what he’d find. An empty theater? Or worse, a theater full of a rejecting Seung Hyun? A Seung Hyun who decided he really couldn’t be with a man? But instead, when Seung Hyun took his hand in his, he got almost everything he’d ever wanted.

And now here they were.

On Jeju. Alone. Together. Watching the stars twinkle and burn above them. Everything he wanted was right here.

Pushing himself out of the chair, he looked around to make sure the beach was empty, though he was fairly certain Ji Yong would stop anyone from bothering them, slipped into Seung Hyun’s chair, curling up on his lap, snuggling into his side, burrowing his head into Seung Hyun’s neck until he felt the warmth of their skin touching.

“I’m glad you went to the planetarium that day,” he whispered.

“Me too,” Seung Hyun said, his arms circling Junsu, rubbing his hand along the length of his back.

“You are?” he asked, wanting desperately for it to be true.

“Yep.”

“Are you sure?”

“Dunno. Pretty drunk.”

Junsu pouted, pulling back away from him, before hitting Seung Hyun lightly on his shoulder with his balled up fist.

“You dunno?”

“Awww… don’t pout Junsu-yah,” Seung Hyun said. “I am! I am!”

He reached out and tugged on Junsu’s chin, trying to pull him in for a kiss but Junsu pulled and dodged, evading him.

“Dunno if I want to kiss you.”

“Awww… baby, don’t be like that,” he purred. “Of course I’m happy I went.”

Junsu allowed himself to be tucked in for a kiss. Just a little one. A teeny one that tasted of Seung Hyun pickled in alcohol. He pulled away and pouted.

“Sing me a song then.”

“What?”

“I want you to sing me a song,” Junsu said plainly. “You hurt my feelings. You need to give me a present.”

“Don’t wanna sing,” Seung Hyun said.

“Well, maybe I don’t wanna sit on your lap then,” Junsu said and made like he was trying to climb out of his lap, hoping Seung Hyun wouldn’t let him get too far.

“Fine.” Seung Hyun said quickly, wrapping his arms tighter around Junsu.

Smiling to himself, he allowed himself to be tucked back into Seung Hyun’s side, his head laying on his boyfriend’s broad shoulder. Exactly where he wanted to be. He pulled his legs up, until he was curled into a small ball on Seung Hyun’s lap and waited.

And waited.

“I’m waiting,” he said.

“I’m thinking.” whined Seung Hyun.

“Think fast.”

Seung Hyun cleared his throat and slowly, hesitantly, began to sing a song Junsu remembered his mother singing to him when he was a child. Unable to resist, he lifted his head lightly until he could brush a kiss on Seung Hyun's neck, happy and cozy in his little Seung Hyun nest.

He watched the movement of the surf, listened to the waves accompanying the raspy sound of his love’s voice and was pretty sure he’d never been happier.

Xiahki, lured in by the noise, wandered over and settled at their feet, panting from his excursions. Nope. It was official, he’d never been happier.

Now, if only he could be sure it would last.

He batted away the thought and snuggled in tighter, allowing his world to get small again until it was just this moment.

**********

“Ahem.” Junsu woke to the sound of a clearing throat above him.

He looked up to see Ji Yong standing above them, his eyebrow cocked. Junsu jerked back away from Seung Hyun and shivered in the cold of the air.

“’S’wrong, Junsu?” Seung Hyun mumbled sleepily. “Come back.” He tried to pull Junsu back in closer.

“Wake up,” Junsu whispered, poking him in the side.

Seung Hyun opened a bleary eye and eyed Ji Yong. “Go ’way.”

“I think it’s time for Junsu to go home,” Ji Yong said.

“No,” he actually whined, and Junsu, despite himself and his rising embarrassment, giggled. “You go away.”

“It’s late, Seung Hyun. You need to go to sleep, we have a shoot in like three hours.”

“Was sleeping. Fuck off.”

“You were sleeping outside. In the cold.”

“Not cold.”

“You might not be. You had a nice Junsu blanket. But look at Junsu, his lips are blue.”

Seung Hyun pulled back and studied Junsu, his face concerned. “You okay? Are you cold?”

“I’m okay,” Junsu assured him but couldn’t stop the shiver that went through him.

Running his hand up and down Junsu’s back, he frowned.

“Come on, let’s go to bed. I don’t want you sick.”

“Junsu needs to go home. To his own bed,” Ji Yong said, crossing his arms in front of him.

“He can stay with me,” Seung Hyun said stubbornly.

“No he can’t, Seung Hyun. He needs to be gone before the film crew comes back and people start asking questions like, when did Junsu get here? Why is Junsu here? Or, even better, why is Junsu sleeping in T.O.P’s bed?”

“He’s right, Seung Hyun-ah. I should go.”

Junsu slipped out of Seung Hyun’s arms, out of Seung Hyun’s lap, and off of the chair, his body protesting the movement. He bowed again at Ji Yong

“Thanks for coming to get me. I lost track of time.”

“No problem,” Ji Yong said, stepping backwards, allowing Junsu to slip past him. “I hear you’re here for a soccer game?”

“Yeah. And to visit my family at Toscana.”

“Hey, I drove by Toscana a while back, it looks great.”

Junsu smiled proudly. “Thanks, we’re pretty excited about how it turned out.”

“Heard about the trouble you’re having there.”

“My lawyers are fairly positive we’ll kick their lying butts,” Junsu said, frowning at the thought of the upcoming litigation against him. “Don’t you hate how these people think they can take advantage of you just because you’re a star?”

“Some contractors tried to do the same with us when we were building this place,” Ji Yong said. “Of course, they weren’t as brazen as to actually file fraudulent charges against us.”

“Luckily, my accountants have all the proof that we never actually owed anyone any money, so we’ll be okay. It’s just an irritation.”

“Good.”

Unsure of what to say now, Junsu whistled to Xiahki and, when the obedient dog jumped right to his side, snapped the leash in place.

“Well. I should go.” He turned to Seung Hyun.

“Good luck with the rest of your filming,” he said.

Seung Hyun dragged himself out of the chair, groaning at his aching muscles.

“I’ll walk you out.”

Junsu shook his head. “Better not,” he said. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“I’ll walk you out,” Seung Hun said stubbornly.

“No, he’s right, Seung Hyun,” Ji Yong said. “It’s best if he goes alone. He’ll be okay. If anyone sees him, it will be easier to explain his presence than seeing you guys making out by the car.”

“I wouldn’t make out with him,” Seung Hyun said.

“Yeah. Right.”

“I’ll see you later, Seung Hyun-ah. Drink at least one bottle of water before you go to bed, and call me when you wake up.”

“I’ll make sure he does,” Ji Yong said.

With a nod, Junsu turned away and shuffled quietly through the sand towards the parking area.

“You guys look cute together. You’re so fucked,” Ji Yong said.  

Seung Hyun watched Junsu until he disappeared out of sight. “I know.”


	37. Hangover Helper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Despite some delays, Junsu is eagerly awaiting Seung Hyun's arrival to kick off their mini-break. Is Seung Hyun ready to meet Junsu's family?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys, I went to a concert last week and realized I forgot to post my chapter. Downside? Sorry about that. Upside? I think I'm having Miyavi's musical baby! As a special request, I will still post this week's episode later this weekend. Thanks for reading

****

Junsu anxiously waited for Seung Hyun to arrive at the hotel. His last text said he was on his way and, unable to resist, Junsu ran to the landing that overlooked the sweep of the entrance, waiting for him to arrive. 

A mini-break! They were on a mini-break! It would just be him and Seung Hyun together for several days. Well. Seung Hyun. His soccer team. His fans. His parents. 

He wondered again, second-guessing himself, wondering if having Seung Hyun meet his family was a good idea. A few months ago, he’d been scared to death of the very idea that his parents might find out that he was gay, and now he was bringing his boyfriend home for them to meet? Was he insane or just stupid? 

Stupidly in love. 

He hadn’t realized what being in love, in real love, would do to him. How it would change him. While he still wasn’t ready to tell his family about them being together, about himself being gay, he found himself needing to at least introduce Seung Hyun to his family. To be hiding such a big part of himself now seemed wrong. 

“What are you looking for?” 

Junsu started at the sound of his brother’s voice. 

“Nothing,” he said quickly. 

“There has to be something. You look like a kid waiting for Christmas morning.” 

“I’m… waiting for a friend.” 

“A friend?” his brother teased and nudged him with his shoulder. “Does this friend happen to be a girl?” 

“No!” Junsu burst out, waving his hands in protest. 

“Too bad.” Junho mimicked Junsu and leaned his arms on the railing gazing out over the cars of people driving up to begin their stay, or to have dinner, or to just walk the property. He was happy to think that this place, that they took such a chance on, looked like it was going to make it. 

“Why?” he asked absently.

“Mom is on the warpath again,” Junho said. “I’ve been here a week and have had three ‘accidental’ meetings with girls from nice families and with childbearing hips.”

“Oh no! Why didn’t you warn me?” he asked, his eyes wide.

“Would you have come?” 

“No!” he exclaimed. 

“That’s why I didn’t tell you,” his brother said, grinning madly. “Why should I have to suffer alone? We’re twins. Didn’t mom always say we had to share?”

Junsu groaned. Ugh. His mom was the worst when she got into her matchmaking phases. He usually was able to push her off. Even if he weren’t gay, he was still an idol, which made for a convenient excuse. But now? Bringing his boyfriend home? Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. 

He wondered desperately if he had time to warn Seung Hyun off, to change plans, to get away from here as fast and as far as possible. But, just as his luck was hardly ever on his side, a black car pulled up and there was Seung Hyun, wearing a pair of dark sunglasses (like that could ever hide his handsome face), climbing out. 

“Gotta go! Try and keep Mom away from me or I’ll tell her it was you who used to eat her lipstick.” 

He turned and hurried back inside to go meet Seung Hyun.

“I was 7! And you dared me to!” Junho shouted after him. 

“I dared you the one time, Junho. All those times after were all you.” 

**********

Excited, he hit the elevator impatiently. Seung Hyun’s here. Seung Hyun’s here. Seung Hyun’s here… must find him before his mom does. Unable to wait any longer, he turned to the emergency doors and bolted down the stairs. Three floors. His mother couldn't find Seung Hyun in the time it took him to get down three…

**********

Shit. 

“T.O.P-shi!” he heard his mother call out before he even burst out the doors. “So nice to meet you. It's so nice that a star like you would stay at our hotel.” 

Junsu cringed. He loved his mom, but she was a bit of a stage mom. He probably should have warned Seung Hyun. Or thought better of this dumb plan of his. His mom was probably already planning a new Instagram post, announcing T.OP was here. 

Forcing himself not to run over, he steadied himself and strolled over to where they were standing — his mother, her smile wide, her eyes darting the room to see if anyone had noticed them yet, and Seung Hyun, nervous, for sure probably regretting he’d ever agreed to come. 

“Omma!” he said. 

“Junsu-yah. Did you see? The T.O.P from BigBang is here to stay at our hotel!”

He tried very hard to not cringe at his mother — and was mostly successful. 

“I know. I invited him.”

“I knew you were a top star, but I didn’t realize you were friends with T.O.P from BigBang!” 

He shot Seung Hyun an apologetic look. 

“I am. We’re very… good friends and I invited him for the weekend.” He took his mother's hand and lowered his voice. “He wanted a quiet and peaceful place to get away, and I told him he wouldn’t be bothered here at Toscana.” 

“But…” his mother looked disappointed, understanding what he meant. 

“I’d hate for my friends not to feel comfortable here. I’d like this to be a place for all my friends and other idols and famous people to come and be at peace, away from the lights and pressures of being a top star. Like a famous-person refuge,” he said, laying it on thick, trying to paint a picture. 

Seung Hyun looked back and forth between the two, trying to gauge what exactly was going on. Junsu resolved this was going to be one fight he won with his mother. 

“Well. Whatever you say, Son,” she said, biting her lip. 

Junsu threw his arms around his mom and hugged her tight. “Thanks, mom!” 

Over her head he mouthed ‘sorry’ and ‘thank you’ to Seung Hyun. 

“At least let me give Seung Hyun the best room in the place,” she said, pulling away from him. “Let’s show him just what we can do here so he can go and tell all his friends.”

He should have known there would be a catch. “No need mom, he’s going to stay with me. I mean, in my suite.” 

“With you?” she asked, confused. 

“Yes, mom, with me.” 

There was no way he was going to waste any of their mini-break in separate parts of the hotel. It was enough that his suite, the permanent set of rooms he kept for when he came to stay, had two bedrooms. If they had to pretend, they could pretend from there. Unless, of course, Seung Hyun wanted separate rooms. Gah! He hadn’t even thought to ask. He’d just assumed they would be sleeping together. 

“I mean… if that’s okay with Seung Hyun.”

Seung Hyun reached out and flicked Junsu in the forehead. “Of course it’s okay with me.” He looked at Junsu’s confused mother. “I mean, we’re friends right?”

Junsu let out the breath he’d been holding. Whew. It was settled. He turned to his mom. “Besides, with all my top star teammates coming for the soccer team, we’re booked solid.”

“I guess, if you say so.” 

“You could do something for us, Mom,” he said.

“What do you need, Junsu-yah?”

“It’s been a really long time since Seung Hyun has had a home-cooked meal,” he said, mentally apologizing to Seung Hyun’s mother who regularly loaded Seung Hyun’s refrigerator with the most delicious homemade banchan and jjigae. “What do you say to a big, family dinner tonight?”

His mother’s eyes lit up, as he knew they would. “You poor, busy baby! No one to take care of you!” She looked at her watch. “It’s a little late in the day to spring this on me, Junsu-yah, but let me see what I can do.” 

Turning to Seung Hyun, she gave him a light bow of the head. “You have Junsu show you up to his rooms and then take you on the tour of the property. That way you can tell all your friends just what a nice place this is.” 

“Mom!” Junsu groaned. 

Seung Hyun bowed deeply to his mother, giving her one of his most polite smiles. “I’ll be sure to do that.” 

When his mother finally, thankfully, left them alone, Junsu turned to Seung Hyun, an apology fast on his lips. 

“So sorry. She’s a bit of a… stage mom. I would like to say she won’t bother you while you’re here about bringing the rest of the band and any other famous friends you might have to stay, but I’d hate to lie to you at this point in our relationship.”

“Junsu, baby. Do me a favor?” Seung Hyun asked, shoving his sunglasses further up his nose.

“Sure! Whatever you need!” Junsu said, grabbing his arm and squeezing it in his.

“Aspirin. Water. Dark place. And I need you to whisper, very, very quietly to me.”

Junsu bit his lips to stop from laughing out loud as he realized just how hungover Seung Hyun was from his night of ‘working’. 

“Sure, give me your bag, and I’ll take you upstairs to my room.”

“All praise Junsu.”

Grabbing the handle of the rolling suitcase Seung Hyun had, he gestured him back to the bank of elevators. Almost as if they were apologizing for their earlier tardiness, an elevator arrived just as they made their way to the door and slid open revealing an elevator full of tourists. Tourists who took one look at him and Seung Hyun and began shrieking. Shooting a look up at his hurting, hungover boyfriend, Junsu winced and, unable to do anything else, bowed politely and ducked into the vacant elevator, his face a polite mask of happiness and hospitality while his finger pounded a frantic beat on the close door button.

Finally alone, Seung Hyun slouched low in the corner and let his head rest against the walls of the elevator. “I hate everything right now,” he groaned.

“Oh!” Junsu exclaimed. “Best idea, ever.”

“You’re going to shoot me and put me out of my misery?” Seung Hyun asked.

“No. Change of plans.” He hit a different button on the panel of buttons in front of him. “We’re going to take you to the sauna. A little while in that will fix you right up.”

“Are you sure?” he asked.

“Definitely. Besides. We have to do something, you absolutely can’t go to family dinner for the first time hungover.”

“If you make me look at food I’m going to throw up on you.”

The elevators dinged and the doors slid open, revealing the bright, white glazed doors to the spa area. “Yeah, we need to fix this, you show up like this in front of my mom and she probably will never, ever forgive you, and I, for the rest of my days, won’t hear the last of it.”

He pushed them in through the doors and bowed to the two girls, both dressed in white, in greeting. 

“Kim Sora, Lee Hani, you both are looking so pretty today.” 

At their giggle, he handed them Seung Hyun’s suitcase. “I’m going to need you ladies to do some things for me. Me and my friend are going in to use the sauna, so that will be off-limits until we’re done, OK?” 

At their eager nods, he nodded to the case. “Please call a bellboy and have them deposit that case in the extra room in my suite. I also need the sauna stocked with a bunch of water bottles and some aspirin.”

Without waiting for them to respond, he nudged Seung Hyun down the hall towards the changing area.

**********

The hot steam of the sauna hit Seung Hyun like a wall as soon as he opened the door. The heat actively repelled him, and he took a step backwards. 

“This is a terrible idea.”

From behind, Junsu pushed him slightly with the flat of his hands. 

“A better idea would have been for you to not get so drunk the day before you’re scheduled to meet your boyfriend’s parents for the first time, so let’s not look too closely at placing blame.”

Feeling the direct shot land perfectly, Seung Hyun winced, this time not from the boozy hangover, and he gritted his teeth and stepped into hell. An artfully designed, very expensive hell, but a warm, wet hell nevertheless. As Junsu slid the door closed behind them, Seung Hyun collapsed on the low, wooden bench with a groan. He desperately hoped the aspirin and bottle of water Junsu had handed him over the top of his changing room would kick in soon. Either that or maybe the floor would magically open up and death would finally take him.

Junsu sat next to him and gently lifted his head then scooched over until Seung Hyun’s head rested lightly on the firm muscle of his thigh. Okay. So maybe he didn’t wish he’d die. They sat there like that, quietly, breathing in the sweltering air, the sweat dripping and pooling down their bodies, his inner core temperature reaching that of a volcano, making his insides twist and turn like the swirl of lava.

“How is this supposed to help?” he finally asked.

“You’re sweating out all the toxins,” Junsu said.

“I’m sweating out the will to live,” Seung Hyun gasped, wiping at his eyes as sweat again dripped into them, making them sting.

“My poor, poor baby,” Junsu cooed, using his fingers to shove the sweat-dampened bangs away from Seung Hyun’s forehead. 

Closing his eyes, Seung Hyun savored the feeling, tickled by the tender motion. The nicety he could hang onto through his misery. He almost groaned as Junsu continued down his head, lightly scratching at his scalp with his nails.

“More of that.”

“Yes, sir.”

The room was quiet, with the exception of the hiss of the steam and the sound of Junsu’s nails against Seung Hyun. If he hadn’t felt so terrible, he’d actually be enjoying this, Seung Hyun thought. Some other time, if he made it through, they should try this again sometime.

“So. Give me the family cheat-sheet,” he finally said, not eager to bring conversation into his life but realizing he didn’t want to go into this meeting unprepared.

What do you mean?” Junsu asked, his fingers pausing in Seung Hyun’s hair.

“Did I say stop?” he grumbled, waiting until Junsu resumed his scratching. “Tell me about your family. I’ve never done a meet-the-parents before — especially a meet-the-parents with my boyfriend, so give me a clue about what to say, what not to say.”

“Hmmm…” Junsu said, considering. “If you could keep to yourself how much you enjoy making out with me, that would probably be best.”

“No tongue kissing in front of your parents. Got it. What else?”

Junsu giggled and thought for a moment, his fingers moving from Seung Hyun’s hair to the bit of skin behind his ear, and Seung Hyun couldn’t stop the tremor that shook him slightly in response. He wasn’t sure how he could be both sick as a fucking dog and slightly turned on, but it wasn’t the first time his system had been confused by Junsu.

“Well. I have a brother. A twin brother.”

“Let’s go for something I wasn’t able to learn on Wikipedia,” Seung Hyun grumbled.

“Awww… you googled me?” Junsu purred, bending down and kissing Seung Hyun’s lips playfully.

“…maybe. Whatever. Shut up,” Seung Hyun said. “Details, Kim, details.”

“Junho is a musician too, but he’s mostly popular in China, so we don’t get to see each other much, mostly when mom calls us both home.”

“Does he know?”

“About what?” Junsu asked. “Oh. About me. No. Or at least I don’t think so. I haven’t told him, and that whole twins just knowing stuff about each other isn’t really a thing for us, he’s more like my bratty older brother than anything else.”

“Bratty brother. Got it. What about your dad?”

Seung Hyun lifted his head to swig back some of the partially frozen water bottle Junsu had packed into the sauna with them. The cold fluid raced down his throat, achingly cold against the warmth of his body.

“He’s quiet and kind. He’s a proud man who doesn’t want to live off me. Took me a while to convince him he didn’t have to work as a salaryman anymore. Works really hard managing Toscana now — I swear he works harder now than when he didn’t work for me, so that kind of backfired.”

“He was the most supportive when we decided to leave SM. Mom was worried about what it would do to my career, whether I could keep going on as a top star if we changed agencies, but it was my dad who managed to convince her. One day, we had worked for almost 72 hours straight, I had a stress fracture in my foot, and we still were pushed to keep going. He had been in the city for business and came by and watched us dance — I didn’t even know he was there. I did a spin and my leg buckled and I fell. Our dance coach shouted at me to get up. Called me a couple of names and my dad burst in like some… like some avenging angel and yelled that no one treated his son that way and actually piggy-backed me out.”

At the story, Seung Hyun bolted upright (despite the wretched tilt of his brain sloshing around in his head) and swung around to Junsu. 

“Those fuckers.” 

Junsu smiled sadly at him and wiped away a tear. Or sweat. Seung Hyun couldn’t tell anymore.

“My dad got me out, and he stood up to my mom. He was the final push I needed to agree to make the break with SM, with DBSK.” 

Seung Hyun moved closer to Junsu and corded his own fingers through Junsu’s hair, pulling him close until he could lay his lips on his. 

“Baby, I’m sorry you had to go through that. I’m sorry you didn't have an agency that would take care of you like they should have.”

Merely shrugging, Junsu leaned forward and snuggled his head into what he now considered his spot, the perfect divot between Seung Hyun's neck and shoulder. 

“I got out. My dad got me out. My Hyungs got me out. For the most part, it all worked out for the best. I’m luckier than any other idols out there.”

They sat like that for a while, Junsu tucked into Seung Hyun and Seung Hyun rubbing his hands up and down Junsu’s back in slow, lazy circles. 

“So. Brother a brat. Dad a great guy, who will be getting a very expensive bottle of wine sent to him sent to him from my private stock. What about mom?”

Junsu kissed the skin of Seung Hyun’s neck before pulling away. He bent down and grabbed another couple of water bottles from the bucket and handed one of them over to Seung Hyun. By now, the ice had completely melted and the water almost reached tepid, but his dehydrated system gulped it down. 

“I love my mom,” Junsu finally said. “When we were kids? She’d sing to us every night. She put both me and Junho in music lessons when we were little. She knew, knew it with every part of her that we had talent and was determined to make sure people took us seriously. When we weren’t in school we were in dance classes, vocal lessons, or piano lessons. She was the one who took us to the SM tryout, pushed us for weeks until we had our performances down.” 

Seung Hyun watched Junsu reminisce, loving how Junsu had no filter, he allowed every emotion he felt to sweep over his features. 

“She was so happy when we made it. I’m pretty sure she went around the whole neighborhood telling everyone she could find that her sons had been signed by SM, that her sons were going to be idols. The other mothers’ sons were good at English? They were studying for the civil service exam? Were getting married? Couldn’t hold a candle to her sons, the top stars.”

“My parents definitely weren’t as jazzed as yours.”

“I wouldn’t be here without my mom’s pushing.” He shrugged. “So when she continues to push a bit more than I like, I just let it go.”

“So she’ll push tonight.”

Junsu pulled his feet up to the bench and hugged them to him. “Yeah. I should probably apologize in advance for anything said tonight. Whatever she says, you don’t have to bring your friends here, you don’t have to hold a fan meet here. You don’t have to perform here. I don’t want you to think I brought you here so you can do something for me.”

“Yes you did,” Seung Hyun said, reaching out and linking their pinkies. “You brought me here to meet your parents. You brought me here to spend time together. You brought me here so I can cheer you on in your big game. You brought me here to make out with you in dark corners. You brought me here because I’m you’re boyfriend.” He leaned in and swiped Junsu’s lips with his own, tasting Junsu and the salt of their sweat. “Awkward parents and bratty brothers are just part of the Junsu package.” 


	38. Behind the Curtain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will Seung Hyun survive dinner with Junsu's parents? Even bigger question — will Junsu?

“Did you really bring top star T.O.P home with you?” his brother nudged him in the ribs as Seung Hyun had excused himself to go to the bathroom. 

“Stop calling him top star T.O.P, it’s not as funny as you think it is,” he hissed, darting a look towards the bathroom. 

“I don’t know, I think I’m killing it tonight.” his brother grinned, lifting one of his legs and crinkling his toes against Junsu’s cheek. Junsu batted him away in irritation. 

“Can you please just act normal? You’re worse than Seungri.”

“OOooh… so you’ve met all of the band have you?” his brother cooed. “What is it exactly about my dumb younger brother that made top star T.O.P want to be his friend?” 

“I’m not dumb,” Junsu said, defending himself from another barrage of toe touches. 

“I’m your hyung, if I can’t tell you honestly that you’re dumb and you usually smell bad, and it’s a huge surprise that you have any fans at all--who can?”

“I hate you.” he said, finally giving up and moving further down the couch out of the reach of Junho and his feet. 

“We shared a womb yo’--you can’t hate me.” Junho grinned, wiggling down the couch unwilling to let Junsu get away from him that easily. 

“You are so annoying,” Junsu said, sliding off the couch and across the floor. 

“Don’t call your brother names.” his mother admonished from the doorway. Both he and his brother sat up straight at the sound of her voice. She looked around the room expectantly. “Where is your new friend, Junsu-ah?” she asked. 

“He just went to the bathroom. He’ll be right back.”Junsu said. 

She craned her neck to look down the hallway before hurrying over to where her boys were. “Why didn’t you tell me he was coming?” she hissed at him in a whisper. “The house is a mess, I’m a mess, and I don’t have any food in the house good enough for him.” 

Junsu smiled at her. “All lies,” he said. “Your rooms are immaculate, you are beautiful, and you always have enough food in the house to feed all of us  _ and  _ my whole soccer team.” 

She paled and her eyes widened. “You’re not bringing your soccer team here tonight are you? You’d tell me before doing that, right?” 

“No mom, I’m not springing the team on you, they won’t arrive until tomorrow and we’ve already been invited to eat on a yacht by one of our sponsors tomorrow night.” 

“You’re not eating at the restaurant?” she gasped. “I thought all of your friends would be eating at our restaurant tomorrow, Junsu. I booked a…” 

He raised his eyebrow at her. “Please tell me you didn’t book a photographer, mom.”

“Book a…” she darted her eyes away. “Of course I wouldn’t book a photographer. I just thought it would be nice if all you friends could see just how wonderful our restaurant is. Maybe then they could tell their friends.” 

He groaned. “Please stop trying to use my friends to sell the place. Toscana is stunning, we don’t have to pimp out the people we know, it sells itself.”

“You say that now, but what about when you go off to the military? What happens to us then?”

“Toscana has more going for it then me having events here. Besides. Junho will still be here.” 

“Junho is not enough of a lure to bring people here and you know it Junsu.”

“Mother!”

Junsu winced and shot a look up at his brother, who, Junsu wasn’t sure how managed to keep his face stoically blank. It’s true, his brother hadn’t made it as far in his career as Junsu had and he knew it was a sore spot between them. Not that Junho ever mentioned it, but Junsu could see it, he could feel it. And it made him feel bad about coming home with his own accomplishments. Made him second guess coming home and sharing what he had. He didn’t want differences between him and his brother and certainly didn’t want their own mother pointing them out. 

“What?” She at least had the grace to look like she realized what she was saying. “Junha, you know I love you, and you know I’m very supportive of you and your fans, but your main popularity lies in China. Are they really going to come here to see you?” 

“Yes, because Chinese tourism isn’t a thing.” his brother replied flatly, turning his head away to stare out the window, away from his mother, away from Junsu. 

“You know what I mean. Besides. You’re the same age, who’s to say you’re not going to go into the military at the same time? Then both of my babies will be gone from me for two whole years, what will I do then?” She sank down into the ornate armchair placed at the head of the coffee table. “I’ll be all alone, just me and you’re father all by ourselves left to manage this big place without any help. What happens when we can’t do it? You left us with such an important responsibility, such a burden to make sure that this place not only makes it but thrives, so it doesn’t bring shame upon you.” 

Junsu chewed his bottom lip. His mother had been the one to convince him to pour a good part of his money into the building of this resort, had told him that it was time that she and father, as the parents of top stars to stop working for other people and start a business of their own, but what if she was right? What if this was too much responsibility for them? With this whole lawsuit thing going on, he knew his parents were stressed, and she was right, soon he was going to have to do his military service and then who will be there to offer help when they needed it?

“Do you want me to hire a manager for the place? Someone to take over the day to day?” 

She waved him away. “While it’s true, this is all very taxing, it is best if your father and I just make the sacrifice and do it ourselves. We don’t want any outsiders coming in and messing everything up. I’m just saying Junsu-ah, you could make a bit more of an effort to be here, to help out, to promote Toscana when you can. That’s what you can do to help us because if this doesn’t work out, I just don’t know what we’ll do. It’s not like we’re getting younger or that anyone would hire your father at his age since you convinced him to quit his job.” 

The door opened and his father called out from the hallway. “Oh, thank god,” Junsu heard his brother mumble under his breath. 

Junsu jumped up from the floor and hurried over to the door. “Dad!” he exclaimed. “How was your trip?” he asked. His father had been away yesterday when Junsu had first arrived so this was the first time he’d seen him in some time. After giving him a hearty hug, Junsu pulled back and studied him, trying to figure out how much of what his mother said was truth and how much of it was her exaggerations. His father looked tired, a little worn around the edges, but he had been away on business for almost a week. If anyone understood how taxing it was on the system, it was Junsu. But...even if it was for travel, he was traveling for Toscana, so those tired eyes were still partially Junsu’s fault. 

“Come inside, sit down, I’ll get you a drink,” Junsu said, tugging him into the room. 

“I wouldn’t say no to some tea, Junsu-ah.” he said. “Must be the weather but my knee is acting up today.” 

“Junho?” Junsu called out to his brother, trying to keep his voice light and cheerful when inside he was worried. “Come help Dad inside while I get everyone some tea.” 

“I’m not an invalid Junsu, just tired.” his dad said lightly. “No need to baby me.” 

“I like to baby you,” he said. 

“Yes, I think he likes to baby you more than he likes taking care of me, his mother. The woman who gave birth to both him and his brother. The woman who took him to…” 

“Every music class, every dance class, every lesson,” he and his brother chimed in, knowing the drill. 

“I’m glad you think I’m so funny.” his mother sighed dramatically. “I know how silly you all think I am, but I’m just working hard to make sure our family gets the best out of life, just like we...you deserve.” 

Down the hall the bathroom door opened and Junsu frantically waved at his family, tried to give them the ‘please don’t embarrass me in front of my friend’ hand signal, but since they’d never actually worked out such a signal before, he’s fairly certain he just looked like an idiot flailing his arms around. 

Of course, him looking like an idiot in front of Seung Hyun just seemed like business as usual.

His father was good about keeping his shock to himself when he saw Seung Hyun come into the hallway and by good, what Junsu really meant was terrible. Hilariously terrible.

“You’re you!” he exclaimed. “I mean, you’re him!” 

Junsu resisted slapping his hand over his face in embarrassment as he was fairly certain if Seung Hyun hadn’t made him so pissed--their first meeting would have gone somehow the same. 

“As you can see, my dad is also a big fan.” he said. 

Seung Hyun bowed low to his father, politely ignoring the delighted sputtering. “It’s good to meet you, sir,” he said. 

“You’re T.O.P! T.O.P is in my house.” his dad reached out and began shaking Seung Hyun’s hand up and down vigorously.

“I’d like it if you’d call me Seung Hyun, sir.” 

“T.O.P wants me to call him Seung Hyun!” His dad exclaimed. “You know Junsu and I have been to see at least three of your concerts. No matter how busy his schedule, whenever you guys tour he always takes the time to take his dad out to one of your concerts.” 

And now Junsu did slap his hand over his face, trying to hide from the embarrassment that washed over him. If an earthquake could just hit the island and suck him down into the middle of the earth, it would be greatly appreciated. Peeking a look through his fingers he snuck a glance at Seung Hyun. Yep. It was as bad as he expected. Oh that smirk. Oh that dumb eyebrow of sexy and smug. He closed his eyes and groaned. 

“Dad.” 

“What?” he said surprised. “Who doesn’t like to hear about how much their work is appreciated?” 

“Yes sir, I certainly do appreciate how much you and Junsu here enjoyed seeing me perform.” 

Dear earth, please. Just open up, just a little hole was all he asked for. Just a teenie little hole for him to jump into. 

“Not sure why Junsu didn’t want to go to this last one,” he said. “You’d think if you guys are friends now, it would be even more fun to go.” 

“Oh yes, Mr Kim, Junsu definitely should have...come at my concert. I mean to. He should have come tooooo my concert.” 

Junsu swallowed wrong and began to choke on his own spit. What exactly had he done to deserve this? He must have been a terrible, terrible traitor in a past life for things to go so wrong for him now. Suddenly, he felt Seung Hyun’s hand on his back rubbing gently as he coughed. 

“Now that I know you’re such a big fan, I’ll make sure to get you a ticket for the next concert.” 

“Oh, we would love tickets to your concert, Seung Hyun,” his mother simpered. “Perhaps you’ll be kind enough to allow us backstage? I do so enjoy seeing the backstage goings on after a concert.” 

“Of course.” he said. 

Junsu’s coughing thankfully subsided and he managed to successfully get air pumping back into his lungs again and Seung Hyun’s pats turned into long soft circular rubs that didn’t do anything to make him feel any more comfortable. He shot him a look which clearly said, as soon as we get out of here and away from my parents and I can breath, you are dead, super dead, the deadest ever. Seung Hyun shot him his best attempt at an innocent look--which of course wasn’t innocent at all but was full of innuendo and irritating attitude, but that’s okay, he’d get him for that later, too. 

“If you gentlemen give me just a few minutes, I’ll get dinner on the table.” His mother said. 

“Please, let me help.” Seung Hyun said. “I hope you didn’t go to too much trouble.” 

“Oh no, the ajummah will help me, you sit in the living room with Junsu’s father.” 

As she hurried away, Junsu pulled a star struck father away from his boyfriend and into the living room. Soon, as expected, with the help of the kindly ajummah who worked as the housekeeper, the table in front of the couch was laden with a wide variety of intricate and delicious looking dishes. His mouth watered at the thought of them and he almost wriggled in excitement. It had been a while since he’d eaten a mom-made feast. 

Perhaps this night wasn’t going to be as awful as he’d thought. Which was good because he had been wondering exactly why he’d thought this was a good idea. Why he’d felt the need to have his family meet Seung Hyun when that way obviously only led to embarrassment and probable death. 

Either his or Seung Hyun’s at his hands. 

After another few minutes, his mother and the older ahjumma he hired to help take care of his parents came out with trays upon trays of food. He’d been right, with just a few hours his mother had been able to put together one of her most elegant feasts. He saw many of his favorites there, so he knew his mother had made special plans for their family to be together tonight anyway. As his mother rushed by with an empty tray, he scooped her up into a hug. “Thank you, omma.” he said, breathing in her scent of talc and her favorite expensive perfume. “You’re the best.” 

She made a noise and struggled out his arms. “Junsu, you’ll muss my hair. Now, go and sit by your friend and start eating before things get cold.” 

He let her go and scrambled to secure his spot next to Seung Hyun, fairly certain if he didn’t, his father — or worse — his brother would.  As he sat, his legs folded underneath him, his toes touched Seung Hyun’s, he looked up to see Seung Hyun smiling down at him — Junsu couldn’t help but beam back at him. 

His father and brother crouched to the floor, followed by his mother who had obviously retouched in the bathroom. “So, T.O.P-shhi” his mother began after she dished out bowls of delicious jjigae. “What brings you here to Jeju?” 

“Please, call me Seung Hyun.” Seung Hyun said after swallowing a spoonful of rice. “I’m here to record a video for the new album and Junsu was kind enough to invite me to stay and see this beautiful place.” 

His mother preened at his compliments. “It is quite lovely,” she said. “Make sure to tell—” 

“MOM.” Junsu said with a light warning his voice. 

“I’ll be sure to tell all my friends about it.” Seung Hyun said, “I’m sure lots of them will want to come stay.” 

Junsu leaned in towards him, “You don’t have to say that.” he said, his voice low. “We don’t need…” 

Seung Hyun turned, their faces just a few inches apart. “It’s okay. Your mom’s right, this place is amazing and I will absolutely be telling my friends.” 

Junsu felt his insides turn a lovely shade of goo. Just when he didn’t think he could like Seung Hyun any more, he went and got all more awesome and amazing. What a jerk. He resisted, though it was hard, very, very hard, the urge to lean in and kiss him. Instead, he smiled and turned back to the table, reaching out and started filling Seung Hyun’s plate with some of the best morsels on the table. 

“Hey! Not again!” Seung Hyun laughed thinking, as Junsu was of their date, and started doing the same to Junsu until the moment passed and his heart rate went back to normal. He looked up and caught his mother’s curious gaze and instantly he sat up straighter and away from Seung Hyun.  _ Be a little more out why don’t you, Junsu?  _ He admonished himself. Shrugging he darted his eyes away and dug his spoon into his bowl and took a huge bite of rice, chewing busily. 

“Junsu!” his mother exclaimed. “Carbs dear. You’ll be having your picture taken this weekend. Try not to look too poofy.” 

“I also went to the gym for two hours today and have a big game coming up, I’m eating the rice.” he said, scooping up another spoonful. 

“Just think of all the pictures you’re going to take tomorrow, I’m just thinking about you dear.” She said and grabbed his rice bowl and took it away. 

Turning, he saw how Seung Hyun was frozen in his spot, a spoonful of rice halfway to his mouth. Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! Not how he wanted this night to be going, he realized. Without thinking he reached down and captured Seung Hyun’s spoon in his mouth and ate his rice, pulling off with a pop. “Fine. I’ll just share with Seung Hyun. I’m sure he likes me just the way I am, rice or no rice,” he said around the mouthful, trying to capture Seung Hyun’s eyes. Trying to pull him out of the corner he and his mother's thoughtless words had put him into. 

Finally, thankfully, his boyfriend looked at him and Junsu winked at him, big and obvious. “Isn’t that right, Seung Hyun?” 

“Don’t be dirty, Junsu.” his mother snapped and shoved the bowl back at him. 

“So, filming a video?” his father cut in, trying to break the awkward that had settled over the table. 

Seung Hyun cleared his throat and forced himself to look away from Junsu. “Yes, sir. Basically, the idea was we just came to Jeju on holiday and have a big party.” 

“Is that why you called me last night, drunkenly singing ‘I like to party?’” Junsu teased. 

“We...may have drunk some during filming” Seung Hyun admitted. 

“Some? I basically had to dry him out in the sauna today.” 

“Sounds like you boys had a good time.” his father said. 

“We’ll, let’s just say it wasn’t the worst video we ever shot.” Seung Hyun smiled back at his father conspiratorially and inside Junsu did a little jig of happiness. His father and boyfriend liked each other! Okay, so his mom was being a pain, but trust dad to come through in the end! 

“Any cute girls?” His brother piped up, popping a bit of shredded squid into his mouth. “Usually you guys are hanging on some cute girls.” 

Junsu turned to him and frowned. “Cute girls? There were cute girls?” 

“No!” Seung Hyun protested, waving his hands in front of him. “No girls, just a bunch of guys hanging out enjoying some guy time.” 

Studying Seung Hyun’s face with narrowed eyes, he searched for any trace of ‘I hung out with a bunch of hot girls’ expression, but he seemed innocent enough. “Good.” He looked at his parents and grinned brightly. “I mean, you know, because those videos with the whole band dancing around one girl is so lame. I’m...glad you went a different route.” 

“What are you talking about, dumb-dumb?” His brother laughed and poked him with his chopsticks. “No one wants to see a bunch of guys dancing around each other.” 

“Mom! Junho won’t stop poking me!” Junsu whined. 

“Junho, stop poking your brother.” his mother admonished, frowning. 

“Ugh. Junsu, you’re such a mama’s boy.” his brother said, tossing a fish ball at him. 

He shot his brother a look. “Oh, do you not like the food, Junho? Maybe I should tell mom about that thing you used to eat so she can go get some for you.” 

“Oh. I don’t think we should start talking about the weird things we like to eat, brother dear. Something tells me you’d come out the loser there.” Junho put his chopsticks in his mouth and sucked on them deliberately. 

Junsu’s  heart caught in his chest and the earth tilted just a little...okay, a lot. His brother knew? Did he know? What did he know? Was he just teasing him? He shot a look over his shoulder at Seung Hyun who was staring at his brother in horror. Yep, it was official, he wasn’t the only one who realized exactly what it was his brother was implying. He wasn’t just imagining it. His brother knew. 

Fudge. What now? 

  
  
  
  



	39. Reveal of All Things Grey And Blue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caught in a crossfire between his mother and his brother, Junsu is afraid the only casualty will be his relationship with Seung Hyun.

Junsu forced himself to choke down enough of the food in front of him to escape the notice of his mother — though, after his brother’s innuendo, the food was the very last thing he wanted. He glanced towards Seung Hyun, who looked like he was having his own troubles with the situation. However, he still managed to answer Junsu’s mother's probing and his father's fanboy questions. 

God. Seung Hyun was going to be so upset with him, Junsu panicked. He wasn’t sure what he was more anxious for — the conversation he was going to have to have to have with his brother (if this achingly long dinner would ever end) — or the conversation he was going to have to have with Seung Hyun, apologizing for inviting him, apologizing for putting him in this position. Why? he berated himself. Why had he needed to bring Seung Hyun here? Like he was some sort of prize Junsu’d won that he needed to show off? Couldn’t he have just been happy with what they had? 

Was this going to scare him off? Was he going to run? Junsu was fairly certain, despite their differences, despite his mother's inadvertent efforts to pit them against each other, his brother would never hurt him. Would never take his frustration out on him or, by extension, Seung Hyun. 

His mind whirled with the possibilities, and he could feel his cheeks flushing as the panic set in. What should he do? What could he do? Why would this dinner never end? How could his brother sit there pretending nothing happened, pretending he hadn’t just set off a huge bomb?

Why couldn’t anything ever go easy for him? 

“Junsu-yah, are you alright?” his mother asked him. “You looked flushed. Are you sick?” 

Jerking his head up, he stared at his mother, opening his mouth, unsure of what to say. All he could do was shake his head. 

“You look sick. Perhaps you had best go to bed. Tomorrow you have that fan meet, and we can’t afford for you to get sick.” 

Fan meet? His brain tried to wrap around the words like it was a foreign concept. “Wait. What fan meet?” he asked. He frowned, racking his brain. Had he forgotten something? But no. This was his and Seung Hyun’s weekend. He’d have remembered if he had a fan meet to work around. “I don’t have a fan meet scheduled.” 

His mother avoided his eyes and fiddled delicately with the linen napkin she had placed on her lap. “Don’t be silly, of course, when I heard you were coming I planned a fan meet.” 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He frowned at her. “I made plans, I invited Seung Hyun to take him around the island, not to sit around here and wait while I’m stuck for hours doing a fan meet that I was never asked to do.” 

“Watch your tone, Kim Junsu.” His mother snapped her eyes to his. “Maybe if you’d told me you had a friend coming, I might have mentioned this, but as we were both in the dark, it certainly can’t be my fault that you’re busy tomorrow.” 

Junsu opened his mouth and then closed it again, unsure of what to say. He couldn’t look at Seung Hyun to see his reaction. He felt closed in, overwhelmed, and pressure began to build in his chest. 

“You should have told me,” was all he could think to say. 

“I just assumed that you’d be happy to do this for Toscana, for your family, since you’re here anyway.” 

“Yeah,” his brother snorted. “Something tells me Junsu didn’t come here with his…  _ friend _ to help you or the family, Mother.” 

At the words, Junsu shrunk further in on himself. He could feel tears well in his eyes and he furiously blinked them away. He could feel all eyes at the table staring at him, and he could feel his cheeks get even pinker. Blast his pale skin! He couldn’t hide anything.

“I think you’re right,” Seung Hyun broke in, his voice tight. “Junsu looks a little unwell. I think he should probably go lay down, he has a busy couple of days.” 

His mother frowned at Seung Hyun, and Junsu shrunk back again. His mother did not like to be interrupted. It was always just best to wait for her to wind down and then add what you needed to say — even if you were agreeing with her. 

“Nonsense, Junsu has hardly eaten anything tonight. And after all that fuss over the rice.”

“I don’t know, I really think top star T.O.P should probably go take my brother to bed. I’m guessing he’d really like that,” his brother snorted, stuffing a marinated quail egg into his mouth. “Since he’s going to be all busy single-handedly keeping Toscana afloat with his fans tomorrow.” 

Junsu felt something touch his toes and, startled, he looked down to see Seung Hyun curling his toes around the tops of Junsu’s and squeezing. He jerked his head up and caught Seung Hyun’s gaze. Through his panic and his guilt, he saw Seung Hyun, his expression grim and angry. Junsu’s heart began to crumble. The churning in his stomach got worse and Junsu, unable to last for single more second, lurched to his feet. 

“You’re right, I’m tired. I’ll go to bed. If you’ll excuse me,” he said and, after a quick bow to his parents, bolted from the room so quickly his socked feet slipped along the floor. 

“The fan meet is tomorrow at 2, do not be late, Junsu,” his mother called after him. 

“Yeah, Junsu, try to get  _ some  _ sleep tonight,” his brother added with a laugh.

At the doorway, he tugged on his shoes, hopping from one foot to the other, trying to squeeze his feet into the stiff leather. Damn it, why did he choose tonight of all nights to break in new shoes? 

The sound of footsteps behind him just made him more frantic to put his shoes on, to get out of there. He knew he was being irrational, but he just couldn’t seem to get himself through the panic. Through the fear that everything was about to implode on itself. He wasn’t ready for it to end. He wasn’t ready to give Seung Hyun up. He’d thought they still had time! There were so many things they hadn’t done yet! Forget the boyfriend list — if all they ever did was sit at his house silently, there still wouldn't be enough time to do that for him. 

“Junsu.” Seung Hyun’s voice came out quietly from behind him. Junsu whirled around, staring at him, trying to make his mouth move, trying to make the words come out that would make this all okay, that would make Seung Hyun stay. 

“I… I can't. I have to go, I’m sorry.” 

He reached out and ripped open the door and bolted out of it. Down the hallway he ran, ran towards the elevators, away — to where, he didn’t know, didn’t care, anywhere but here. He jammed the button, again and again, but the elevators refused to come, refused to get him the escape he needed. 

“Junsu!” Seung Hyun called out to him. 

In a split second decision, he bolted for the doors leading toward the emergency exit. He felt silly. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. But he couldn’t stop himself. Couldn't make his brain stop for a second. He hit the heavy doors with a thud and started up the stairs, climbing, climbing, climbing towards the roof, until his legs ached and his lungs burned. At the top, he ran through and stopped, realizing what he’d done. There was nowhere else to go. Nowhere else to run. 

He made his way to the edge of the roof, looking out over the expansive grounds, his chest heaving, and wrapped his arms around himself — to hold him up? To comfort himself? He didn’t know. A moment later, just as expected, he watched as Seung Hyun burst through the door, scanning their small section of the roof until his gaze landed on Junsu. 

“Junsu. What the fuck?”

“I’m sorry,” he gasped the words. “I’m sorry, I’m so dumb. I’m sorry I brought you here. I’m sorry for my mother. I’m sorry for my brother.” 

Seung Hyun held out his hands as if he were trying to approach some sort of wild animal. “Junsu. It’s okay.”

Junsu shook his head wildly. “No. It’s not. It's not okay, and now you’re going to leave, and I’m not ready for you to leave. I’m not ready…” 

He could feel his eyes well with tears. No. He told himself. He wasn’t going to cry, he wasn't going to manipulate Seung Hyun like that. If he wanted to leave, he had every right to. No matter the fact that Junsu was certain it would break him into a million Junsu-shaped pieces that would probably never be put back together again. 

A tear spilled down his cheek, and he turned away before any others had the chance and wiped it away furiously. “I’m sorry.” 

“ _ Baby _ .” The word made Junsu shudder. He shouldn’t, but he loved it when Seung Hyun called him that. Every time he did, it was like a shot right to his heart that echoed through his whole body. That endearment whispered to him during the rough times, the good times — it was like all his dreams coming true, right in his ears. 

He jumped as Seung Hyun’s arms wrapped around his middle and tugged Junsu against his hard chest. Junsu shuddered, as it felt so good and yet was terrible all at the same time. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered again, unable to make any other words or thoughts come out. 

Seung Hyun rocked them gently from side to side, placing his hand on Junsu’s chest, over his heart, rubbing it softly, soothingly.

“Baby, you don’t have anything to be sorry for.” 

“But I brought you here. I pushed you to come when you really didn’t want to.” 

“Hey, Junsu. You can’t force me to do anything I don't want to do. Of course, I wanted to spend this time with you — surprise, I want to spend most of my time with you.”

“But to meet my parents? My brother? It was a dumb idea.” 

“Stop calling yourself dumb. If I’m not allowed to say anything bad about your boyfriend, then you’re sure as hell not allowed to say anything about mine.”

Junsu couldn’t hold in the shaky sob. “But it was stupid. I’m stupid for making you do it and now… now with my brother…” He dropped his head down and tried to pull away, but Seung Hyun just held him closer. “I should have thought. I shouldn’t have brought you into this.”

“I’m with you, Junsu. I’m already part of this.” 

Junsu closed his eyes and focused on the arms that held him, the hand that soothed patterns over his racing heart. 

“Calm down, baby, calm down. It’s going to be OK.” 

They stood there like that. For how long, Junsu had no idea, but they stood there, clutching each other, rocking slowly, watching as the sun sank low into the ocean. Finally, Junsu’s heart slowed, his panic subsided, and he leaned back and rested his head on Seung Hyun’s shoulder, savoring the moment. 

“Are you ready to talk about it?” Seung Hyun murmured into his ear. 

Junsu sighed and shook his head. “Can we not?” he asked quietly, his entire body exhausted. “I’m so tired. I’m so tired now, I think I’m going to fall over and die.”

Seung Hyun smiled and bent, rubbing his lips over the warm skin of Junsu’s neck. 

“Sure Junsu-yah, let’s get you to bed.”

**********

Seung Hyun looked down at the sleeping Junsu, looking small and vulnerable, dwarfed by the large bed. He sat there, rubbing figure eights into Junsu’s back as he had requested. The meek un-Junsu-like “Please stay with me until I fall asleep” had hurt him —  _ as if there was any other place he’d be right now.  _

The Junsu he’d seen tonight had scared him. The panic, fear and resignation in his eyes was something Seung Hyun hoped never to see there again. Of all the ways he’d anticipated this night going when Junsu had suggested he meet his family, this wasn’t even in the running. Watching his mother pick at him and his brother snipe at him, Seung Hyun couldn’t believe someone as happy and as innocent as Junsu had come from this. 

Suddenly he felt the urge to see his mother, to talk to his sister, to take his little nephew in his arms and smell that warm baby smell and remind himself of good things, of families that didn’t snipe and dig at each other. 

In his sleep, Junsu let out a shuddering breath, and Seung Hyun bent down and kissed his pale, pale cheek. This Junsu he wanted to wrap up in plastic and protect so no one could hurt him. He smoothed the garnish, blue bangs away from Junsu’s forehead, feathering his fingers through Junsu’s hair until he let out a soft sigh. 

A knock on the outer door had him standing up and doing the one thing he didn’t want to do, leaving Junsu’s side. But Junsu needed his rest, he needed a break and damned if Seung Hyun was going to let anyone put that expression on his face again. 

Marching through the bedroom and the small, adjoining sitting room, his anger was back in full force by the time he reached the door. Scowl firmly in place, ready to do battle with whomever was there, whoever wanted to snatch away another part of Junsu, he yanked open the door. 

It was Junsu’s father. 

Unsure of what to do, what to say, Seung Hyun stood there, taking in the smaller man. He eyed him suspiciously. This evening he’d seemed nice enough, but who knew? Seung Hyun certainly hadn't expected a mother and brother, especially not a twin brother, to act the way that they had — not to mention the fact that it wasn't like his father had jumped in and defended Junsu. 

“T.O.P,” he stuttered, “I mean, Seung Hyun-shi. I wanted to check on Junsu.” 

Guard at the gate, Seung Hyun nodded suspiciously. “He's sleeping.” 

“Oh. Good. Good,” he said, then proceeded to stand there awkwardly. “May I come in?” 

Glancing back towards the darkened bedroom, Seung Hyun was torn, he didn't want to bother Junsu, didn’t want to see him go through anything else with his family, and yet he couldn't be rude to his father. Grudgingly, he stepped away from the door and let the smaller, older man in. He watched as Junsu’s father went to the bedroom and stood there in the doorway, just staring at his son as he slept. 

“Please,” Seung Hyun whispered, “he's upset and needs some rest.” 

The man studied Junsu for another moment before nodding, reaching in, and pulling the door quietly closed. He turned to Seung Hyun and inclined his head. “We didn't give much of a first impression, did we?”

Seung Hyun remembered the scene at dinner, Junsu's mother and brother each taking turns picking at him. Junsu getting tighter and tenser as the night went on. Him breaking down on the roof, not over their treatment of him, but freaked out that it would chase  _ Seung Hyun _ away. What he did to deserve someone like Junsu, he'd never fucking know, but he did know that he was here now, and no one was going to treat Junsu like that again. Not while he was around. 

But still, this was Junsu’s father, and if he planned on being a part of Junsu’s life, he'd better not burn any bridges. Or at least none that Junsu could see. 

“He’s just… he was tired. And he wanted to come home.”

His father sank down onto the seat, his head bowed. “Junsu is too caring for his own good, I'm afraid, and when you just can't say no, people come to expect yes from you.”

Seung Hyun took the chair next to the older man. “Something tells me he gets it from you,” he said, by way of a peace offering. 

Junsu’s father looked up and smiled at him, a smile he could see shades of Junsu through. “Nicest thing I've heard all day.”

Reaching out, he rested his hand on Seung Hyun's knee, studying him. Seung Hyun, under the peering stare, grew uncomfortable and had to force himself not to fidget in his seat.

Patting lightly, Junsu’s father nodded. “You'll do, kid,” he said. 

Unsure of what he meant, Seung Hyun cocked his head and frowned. “Sorry?”

“I’m just glad to see my son happy is all. He works hard for us, for his fans. It’s good to see he’s taking a little bit for himself.” 

Giving Seung Hyun one last pat, he pulled himself up into a standing position with a little bit of a dad groan that reminded Seung Hyun of his own father. Seung Hyun quickly stood as well and walked him to the door leading back into the hotel. His hand on the ornate door handle, Junsu’s father turned back and gave Seung Hyun a deep bow that Seung Hyun returned immediately.  

“It was good to meet you, Seung Hyun-ah, I’m sure we’ll meet again. Try not to be too angry with the rest of the family — underneath they mean well.” 

Really, fucking underneath, Seung Hyun had to stop himself from muttering. Instead he, once again, promised to get the senior Junsu tickets to his next concert. 

As soon as the door shut behind him, Seung Hyun pulled out his cell phone and sighed. He really, really didn't want to do this, he thought. But he was quickly coming to the realization that, for Junsu, he'd do anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you can tell, we're ramping up to the end here! Prepare yourselves, only about 10ish chapters left... 
> 
> Thanks for sticking with me this far :)


	40. RX: Snuggles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Junsu's meltdown, Seung Hyun has questions, and unfortunately? He knows exactly where he has to go to get the answers.

**From : Seung Hyun**

**Sent: 10:32 May, 15**

Hey, Yoochun. It’s Seung Hyun. 

Um. T.O.P?

I got your number from Junsu’s phone. 

When you get a chance give me a call. 

I know you probably don’t want to talk to me. 

But it’s important. 

It’s about Junsu. 

  
  


Exactly three minutes after he sent that text, his phone rang. Yoochun. 

“That was fast. I thought you were in the military.” 

“Yeah. The military police.” His voice was short and filled with suspicion. 

“Oh.” Seung Hyun tried to remember what it was about him that pissed Yoochun off so much, but then he remembered in the past it was him who was hurting Junsu and completely understood. If he were Yoochun he would have done worse to him for even getting near Junsu. 

“Why did you call? What’s wrong with Junsu? What did you do to him?” Yoochun demanded. “If you fucked him over again…” 

“I didn’t do anything,” Seung Hyun interrupted him, “for once.” 

“Then why are you calling  _ me _ ?” Yoochun asked. 

“We’re at Toscana. With his family.” 

“Shit.” 

The bitten off word told Seung Hyun that the incident tonight probably wasn’t a one-off. 

“What happened? What did they do?” he asked, now sounding resigned. 

“Junsu wanted me to meet his family.” 

“Well, there was your first mistake,” Yoochun drawled. “What happened this time? Wait. Let me guess. His mother was pushy, pulling the whole guilt thing, tricked Junsu into doing something he didn’t want to do.”

“Fan meet.” He sighed and paced the living room, unable to keep still. His frustration and simmering anger bubbling below the surface of his skin. 

“Sounds like her. And Junho? Angry? Resentful?”

“He knows about us. Well. He knows about Junsu. Guesses about us.” 

“Shiiit,” Yoochun breathed out. “How is Junsu?” 

He shoved his hands, frustrated, through his hair and looked at the closed bedroom door. “Man. I don’t know, but it wasn’t good. He freaked out. I’ve never seen him like this. It was like when I…” he stopped himself before he laid himself completely out for Yoochun to examine. “I think he had a panic attack.”

“Do you need me to come? Shit. Crap. Fuck. I can’t come. I’m in the fucking military now. Shit. Is he okay?” 

Despite himself, Seung Hyun smiled. “He’s sleeping now.” 

“You actually got him to sleep?” Yoochun said, impressed. “Usually, during something like this he’s on an anxiety high for, like, three days. What did you… never mind. I really don’t want to know.” 

Seung Hyun rolled his eyes. “Dude. Nothing like that. I just stayed with him until he fell asleep.” 

“Are you sure he’s sleeping? He’s not just faking it?” Yoochun asked. “He doesn’t usually…” 

“He’s sleeping.” Though he wasn’t sure why, or actually how, he’d accomplished what, apparently, was such an odd task, but he was proud that he could do what Yoochun could not. 

“Don’t leave him alone,” Yoochun said.

“What? Why? Should I go back in there now?” 

“No. I mean, for the next few days. Take care of him. After a tangle with his family, he’s more delicate than usual. Jaejoong and I can’t be there for him now. You’d better fucking be there for him T.O.P, or I will come down there, cut off your balls, and shove them—”

“I’m not going anywhere.” He slid open the door that led out to the balcony and wandered out, looking at the beautiful night in front of him. 

“Good.” 

The conversation stalled out, and Seung Hyun trailed his fingers along the heavy wall of the balcony. “Are they always this horrible?” 

“Strictly speaking, they aren’t always horrible. His mother can be nice. She just gets ideas about what Junsu should do or be, what she should have, and she won’t stop until she accomplishes her goal. Junho? God, Their mother pit them against each other for years. There has to be a winner and, unfortunately, it’s always been Junsu, between the two. Sounds like you’ve hit a really bad one, but Jaejoong and I have seen some doozies over the years. You should have seen the one when his mother decided he should build Toscana. Or the one where we decided to leave DBSK. That one was really ugly. Junsu didn’t sleep for a week then. He just kept pushing himself harder and harder until he broke his foot. And even then, he didn’t stop.” 

Seung Hyun remembered the story he’d heard earlier that day. “Junsu didn’t mention how he broke his foot.” 

“He wouldn’t,” Yoochun sighed. “He has selective memory with his family. Always has. I think it’s how he gets through. How he manages to keep them in his life.” 

“Question,” Seung Hyun said, not sure how he should form his next thought, his next point. 

“What?” 

He took a deep breath and just came out with it. Yoochun already though he was an idiot, so there really wasn’t anything to lose. Especially if it was for Junsu. “What’s with the stupid thing?”

“What are you talking about?” Yoochun sneered. “Are we talking about how stupid you’ve been? I could give you many pointers if that’s the case.” 

“No. I am painfully aware of how stupid I’ve been with Junsu, and can’t believe he lets me within 50 feet of him, let alone that he’s giving me one more chance.” 

“Well…” Yoochun said, sounding surprised, “at least you know.” 

“No, I mean. With Junsu’s family. I might be way off base here, but it seems to me they keep insinuating he’s dumb.” He put his feet on the wrought iron railings and stood on the fence itself, leaning over to watch people moving down below.

Yoochun made disgusted noise. “No, unfortunately, you’re not imagining things. The way they talk to him like he’s some sort of idiot who has to be led around…” 

“How did that happen? He may be… Junsu, but he’s super smart. He wouldn’t have gotten so far along if he weren’t.” 

Sure, a top star could be led around, could be as dumb as a brick without too much to affect his career, but Junsu? With as far as he’d gotten, with as much in his way? There was no way a regular person could have survived, let alone thrive, the way Junsu had. 

“He is. But… not everyone knows that. They fall for his act. Or his personality. It’s part of his thing to be wide-eyed and innocent. But underneath? He knows what he wants and knows how to get it.” 

“Wouldn’t his family know how smart he is? I mean, they’re his family.” 

“You’d think. Drives me and Jaejoong fucking crazy the way they think of him as less than, as someone who is easily led around.” 

“Why does he stand for it?” 

“It’s family. He can’t just abandon them because they’re jerks. Well. His dad’s cool. A real good guy. You know what the real fucked up part of it is?” 

Seung Hyun was afraid to ask. He looked back at the door that separated him and Junsu. Behind that door, Junsu lay, curled in a ball, trying to shut out the rest of the world. 

“What?” 

“I think part of him believes it.” 

“No fucking way.” Seung Hyun refused to accept that. “Junsu is the most put together person I know.” 

“Think about it. You hear someone say you’re dumb enough, especially if it’s someone who is supposed to be close to you, part of you starts to believe it.”  

Seung Hyun was reminded about their time on the roof tonight. How Junsu kept berating himself. How he’d called  _ himself  _ stupid. Seung Hyun had written it off as part of his random freak-out, but what if it wasn’t? What if he actually believed what they said to him? Believed that he was even a tiny bit less than the amazing person he was? His heart hurt for Junsu, for the little pains and digs he’d apparently had to survive all these years. Had survived and still managed to thrive. Had survived and come out the other side this amazing person who was kind, and caring, and sexy, and sweet. 

“Makes me want to go home and thank my mom for being so awesome,” he said. “I knew she was pretty great, but now I realize just how good I have it.” 

“Yeah, a weekend with Junsu’s family will do that.” 

“What can I do? I mean. To make Junsu feel better?” 

“Again. Ew.”

“Again. It’s not like that. We’re not. I mean. We do… stuff. But haven’t done… not yet. Soon. Maybe.” He thought about Junsu. “Definitely.”

“T.O.P, stop, you’re going to make my fucking ears bleed.” 

Seung Hyun couldn’t help but laugh. “Sorry. It’s weird. I mean it’s good. But having this is weird for me. Good weird.”

“And there go the ears.” 

“So what do I do?” he asked. “We have a few days here. Of course, his family will be here too. I think I need a game plan.” 

“Keep him away from them as much as possible. Ugh. I can’t even believe I’m going to say this. Touching. Upset Junsu needs cuddling and praise. It’s kind of his thing.” 

On the one hand, Seung Hyun was desperately jealous over the idea of Junsu and Yoochun cuddling. On the other hand, he really looked forward to days filled with a cuddly Junsu. He was absolutely willing to do whatever was necessary to make his boyfriend feel better and if that meant snuggling with him? Well, that was just a sacrifice he was willing to make. 

“Got it. Can do. Anything else?” 

“Just keep him occupied, happy, and away from his family. Junsu wants to be happy, it’s built into his DNA, he’ll pop back. He always does.” 

Seung Hyun couldn’t resist. “Why are you being so nice?”

“Well I’m not doing it for you, fucker. If Junsu needs me, I’m there. It’s the rule of JYJ. And, unfortunately, Junsu’s decided what he needs is you. It’s irritating, but what can I do? Until you fuck up again. When he comes to his senses and kicks you to the curb? I’ll be there too.” 

“Gee. Thanks,” he said. 

“Don’t like it? Then don’t fuck up, and all will be good.” 

He thought about it. Seemed fair enough. And since he was already determined not to fuck up again, or at least try not to fuck up so badly Junsu changed his mind about him, it seemed like a deal he could live with. “Understood.” 

“Good. Now go away. Unlike some slacker stars who haven’t done their military service, I have to be up at the ass-crack of dawn for my shift. Give Junsu a kiss for me.” 

“Fuck off.” 

He hung up the phone, the sound of Yoochun’s laughter echoing in his ear. Fucker. He smiled and shook his head. Giving the grounds of Toscana one last look before turning his back on it, he set off to begin the process of healing Junsu. 


	41. Gravity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Junsu is afraid the night with his parents has chased Seung Hyun away, Seung Hyun is ready to show Junsu just how much he cares.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut. Nothing but smut to see here...

The wide open windows, which overlooked an impressive view of palm trees and the distant ocean, allowing the midday sun to stream into the spacious room, warming the chilly air. Seung Hyun allowed his eyes to drift open, enjoying the thick mattress and heavy down comforter, which was covered in a bright, white duvet cover, adding to his lazy day feeling. The whole thing screamed tropical luxury getaway, and despite himself and his growing, irrational dislike of the place, he wasn’t in any hurry to move and start their day. But he pushed those thoughts aside and blocked out the beautiful day. Blocked out everything but what was important. And what was important was right in this bed, curled up into a tiny, Junsu-shaped ball on the other side of the wide mattress. Though he hoped Junsu was feeling better, that a good rest would magically fix it all, he just knew Junsu hadn’t been able to shake off the night before, as this was the first time Junsu hadn’t wriggled and moved in his sleep until he managed to completely drape himself over Seung Hyun. 

Seung Hyun laid there and silently watched Junsu sleep — not surprised to realize that even in sleep he found Junsu fascinating. The brush of his heavy lashes fanning out across his pale skin, the gentle slope of his nose, his full, full lips slightly parted, letting out gentle breaths of air. Unable to resist, Seung Hyun scooted himself a little closer, until he could feel the radiant heat that Junsu put out like a little furnace enveloping him. 

Quietly, matching the stillness, the absolute silence in the room, he burrowed his hand through the blanket until he could reach out and gently trace his fingers over Junsu’s skin. The warm skin was velvety soft beneath his fingertips. He ached to move closer and kiss him, but didn’t want to disturb Junsu’s rest, knew that as soon as he woke up he’d be slammed with the feelings from the night before. With a final swipe of his fingers, Seung Hyun retreated, pulling his hand back — only to be surprised by Junsu’s hand capturing his wrist and placing Seung Hyun’s fingers back on his cheek. Not one to miss a hint, Seung Hyun continued his light tracing of Junsu’s skin, smoothing down the cheek, running over first one eyebrow and then the other, down his sloped nose. 

Junsu’s lips moved into a slight smile. “I was dreaming about you,” he said softly, without moving or opening his eyes. 

“You were?” Seung Hyun asked his voice husky from disuse. “Anything good?” 

“We were on a boat. Just you and me. We were in the middle of the ocean. All we could see was blue water around us, and we laid on the front of the boat watching the clouds float by.”

“Sounds like a good dream,” Seung Hyun said, moving his fingers to feel the slight stubble on Junsu’s chin. 

“Then we got into a fight about whether a cloud looked like a lion or a bunny sitting on a mushroom.” 

“Of course, I was right,” Seung Hyun teased. 

“You didn’t see the cloud,” Junsu said, his eyes still closed. 

“I’m still pretty confident in dream me.” 

Junsu smiled and finally allowed his eyes to open. Unfocused at first and then taking in Seung Hyun. “Morning.” 

“Afternoon,” Seung Hyun murmured back to him. 

Junsu’s eyes snapped open with shock. “What do you mean? What time is it?” he demanded. 

“It’s just after twelve,” Seung Hyun said. 

“What?” Junsu wailed. “Why did you let me sleep so long? Now I’ve wasted another day of ours.” 

He was so clearly distressed that Seung Hyun placed his palm lightly on Junsu’s cheek, resting it there, willing Junsu to absorb his strength through his touch.  

“Junsu. It’s fine. You obviously needed sleep.” 

“It’s not fine!” he said, shaking his head in frustration. “We only have three days. And now I’m going to be busy for half of them.” Tears began to well up in his eyes. “I’ve ruined our time together.”

Seung Hyun, for the first time, thanked Yoochun, and not for the first time, cursed out Junsu’s family. Snaking his arms out, he tucked them around Junsu and hauled him close, hauled him tight into his arms. “Junsu, are you here?” 

Junsu sniffled, “Yeah?”

“Am I here?” he asked again, breathing in the beloved scent of oranges in Junsu’s hair.

“Yeah…” Junsu replied, hesitant.

“Then you didn’t ruin shit. We could spend the next three days doing nothing but lying here in this bed, and I’d be perfectly happy.” 

“But I have plans… had plans. I had plans,” Junsu said, his voice tight with the effort to hold back his tears. 

“Plans are nice. I like plans,” Seung Hyun said, sliding his hand up and down the slick, silk night shirt Junsu wore. “But plans change, and we make new plans. Save your other plans for another time.” 

“Another time?” Junsu asked, hesitant, unsure. 

“What? You think we’ll never come here again?” he asked, his fingers finding the bottom of the top and slipping underneath them to the more alluring silk that was Junsu’s skin. 

“You actually want to come back?” Junsu asked, his body shuddering at the lines Seung Hyun traced along his skin. 

“This place is important to you,” Seung Hyun said, choosing his words carefully. “Of course, we’ll come back.” 

He lifted his fingers slightly until it was now just his nails that scratched lightly at Junsu’s skin. 

“I thought…” Junsu whispered, then paused, taking a deep shuddering breath. “I thought my brother might have scared you away. That you’d leave because he knew about us.” 

Seung Hyun froze, remembering the night before, the panicked look in Junsu’s eyes. About the full-scale freak-out, he’d put himself into and realized the shuddering wasn’t from what Seung Hyun was doing to his back but instead from insecurity over them, over Seung Hyun. 

“Is that what you were worried about?” Seung Hyun asked, pulling back so he could meet Junsu’s troubled eyes. “Baby. God. Junsu. I’m so sorry your mom wants to take over your weekend. I’m sorry your brother scared you.” He leaned down and softly kissed Junsu’s lips. “But I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I kept running away. Sorry that because of that, you can’t trust me.” He kissed him again and again and again, open, apologetic. Caring. “You might not believe me, but I’m done with trying to run away. I’m here for you as long as you need me. Hell. Longer. Try to dump me and I'll become one of those annoying B-leads in those dramas you love.” 

Junsu tilted his head back and stared at Seung Hyun. Studying him. Gauging. It hurt Seung Hyun to realize they had so far to go before Junsu let go of their past and now, after meeting his family, he understood why. But all that just made him all the more determined to make this work. To make Junsu trust him. To accept him. To love him. 

He stumbled a bit on the love part, but looking down into Junsu’s shining, hopeful, insecure eyes, he realized he might just be ready for the love part too.

“So let's make new plans, okay?” he asked. 

Junsu took a deep breath and nodded, his blue hair slipping across the bright white of the pillowcase. 

“You have a fan meet in two hours. Then tonight at eight you have dinner with your teammates.” 

Junsu frowned and nodded again. 

“So, we have at least an hour before you have to go,” he said, taking his voice low and crooking his eyebrow. Transfixed, unable to take his eyes from Seung Hyun’s, Junsu caught his breath and nodded again. 

“I’ve heard this rumor,” Seung Hyun said, wrapping his arms back around Junsu. 

“What rumor?” Junsu asked, allowing himself to be snuggled closer. 

“About the wanton behavior that goes on during vacations.” 

“Really?” Junsu asked, tipping his head up to look Seung Hyun in the eye, his eyes wide. 

“Apparently, hotels like these are a hotbed of sexual activity,” Seung Hyun said and slid his thigh between Junsu’s legs, pressing upwards until Junsu rode him, high and tight. Junsu shuddered hard and tentatively placed his hands on Seung Hyun’s chest, sliding them up until he gripped his shoulders. 

“Really?” he asked, a slight smile growing on his lips. “I had no idea.” 

“Of course, it was Seungri who told me, so who knows if it’s actually true.” 

Junsu laughed out loud, and Seung Hyun smiled at the sound. Laughed from relief. Laughed from the happiness just being here with Junsu brought him. 

“Please don’t mention Seungri when your hands are on my ass.” 

“My hands aren’t on your ass,” Seung Hyun said, bending down and placing short, nibbling kisses on Junsu’s waiting lips. 

“Well, they should be.” Junsu gasped. He threw his head back and began to rock his hips, rock himself, over Seung Hyun’s thigh. 

Good point, Seung Hyun thought. Why weren’t his hands on Junsu’s ass? He loved Junsu’s ass. He had fantasies about Junsu’s curved ass. Sliding his hands down, he took Junsu’s ass as it rode up and down his thigh, squeezing and kneading the firm flesh in his hands. The silk of Junsu’s pajama bottoms caused his grip to slip and move. Needing to be closer, Seung Hyun slipped his hands beneath the waistband of the gray silk and took that warm, rounded skin in his hands. He pulled Junsu even tighter against him until he could feel the hardness of Junsu’s cock rubbing firmly against his leg, his breath hitching at the incredible feeling. 

“You are so good, Junsu,” he murmured, Yoochun’s words from the night before popping into his head. “I look at you and think, ‘why does this person so beautiful, so fucking sexy, but more importantly, so good to everyone in his life, want to be with me?’”

Junsu whimpered and pressed harder, stroking himself in long strokes, his hips working hard against Seung Hyun’s leg — the softness of the sheets, the slickness of the silk just aiding his efforts. The sound he made hit Seung Hyun right in the gut, and he rocked his thigh a little higher up, bringing him even firmer against Junsu’s warm heat. Wanting to try and recreate the sound Junsu made, to make Junsu whimper, again and again, to make Junsu shake, to make him forget everything but him, but them, he leaned in, his lips barely making contact with Junsu’s ear. 

“The noises you make, the noises I make you make, drive me crazy, you know that? Your voice is like a miracle,” he said reverently as he moved his leg, rubbing it against Junsu. Junsu whimpered again, but this time louder, his body shaking with the desire that ran through him, then ran through both of them. 

“Louder, baby, louder,” he said as he curled his fingers around each globe of Junsu’s ass, until they slipped into the crevice and his fingertips brushed lightly at Junsu’s clenching entrance. Junsu desperately moaned, his voice catching in his throat — freezing — as his eyes shot open, staring wide-eyed at Seung Hyun. 

“Is this okay?” Seung Hyun whispered, running his finger lightly around the muscle. He had no idea what he was doing, no idea what was okay, what was out of bounds. He was just going on instinct, moving to whatever desperate thought came into his head. 

Frantically, Junsu nodded and pushed Seung Hyun onto his back before straddled him. “Fuck yes.” 

Following instinct again, Seung Hyun pulled his hands away, ignoring Junsu’s plaintive whine. He pushed himself upright until he could lean on the back of the headboard, looking at Junsu, his pupils blown wide with lust and need, his teeth biting his full bottom lip, the lip that Seung Hyun could just spend days with, his hips slowly moving, riding him, rubbing their cocks maddeningly together, until it was Seung Hyun who was wanting to whimper. 

The gray silk Junsu had shrugged on the night before seemed almost too big for him, slipping off his shoulder, revealing glimpses of soft, pale skin. But as it revealed, it also hid — the extra fabric pooled around Junsu’s hips, obscuring him, the movement of his hips, of them together from him. 

Un-fucking-acceptable. 

“You are so beautiful, Junsu.” 

Junsu blushed furiously, his hips skipping a beat, his teeth digging into his soft bottom lip, as if somehow he didn’t know, didn’t believe it. 

Reaching up, Seung Hyun met Junsu for a kiss, tugging Junsu’s lip away and licking and sucking lightly at it, soothing away Junsu’s marks, showing him, without words, just how he felt. He brought his hands to the small buttons which lined Junsu’s top and slowly loosened them, one by one. His fingers stumbled with the slippery soft fabric and the buttons seemed to actively avoid his clumsy attempts to free Junsu. Breaking away from the kiss, he looked Junsu in the eye, and with a hot look, he tugged slightly on the sides of Junsu’s top. One of the offending buttons popped off and landed somewhere in the bed. He cocked an eyebrow in question and Junsu caught his breath, working his hips harder against Seung Hyun, distracting him, and nodded. Grabbing the fabric in both hands, Seung Hyun yanked, and the rest of the buttons flew off, and he could hear the sound of tearing silk, revealing the Junsu’s beautiful skin. 

“Look at you,” he sighed, unable to take his eyes away from Junsu, running his fingers down his bare torso, making Junsu shudder beneath his touch. “You’re perfect. Fucking perfect. Outside and in.”

Junsu moaned heavy in his throat and leaned in for another kiss, rubbing his skin along Seung Hyun’s own flannel pajamas, whimpering at the feel of the textured fabric against his sensitive skin. 

Unable to resist, Seung Hyun tucked his hands behind Junsu’s neck, pulling him harder into the kiss. Breaking away, he sat Junsu back and ran his finger down the slope of Junsu’s forehead, over his nose, then stopping at his lips, running his finger over the moisture he found there before pushing slightly until he was just inside. Looking deeply at Junsu, he licked his own lips and cleared his throat. 

“Suck my finger Junsu.” His voice was low and rough. 

Junsu’s eyes opened wide, and his hips finally stopped their movement. “What?” he gasped.

Seung Hyun waited. “You heard me. Suck my fingers.” 

He could feel the shudder that rocked through Junsu. Their eyes locked, and Junsu opened his mouth, allowing Seung Hyun to slip his fingers in. Not looking away, he began to suck, running his tongue back and forth over the digits until it was all Seung Hyun could do to not flip Junsu over and just thrust their hips together until they came. He was reminded of the night of the concert. The night when Junsu came backstage and sucked him off. Blew his mind and burned his heart. 

“God. You are so good at that, Junsu. Did I tell you that? That night at the concert? When you put my cock in your mouth? That was the best I’d ever experienced. Ever. Your mouth is like magic. You made me feel so good, baby, so good.” 

Junsu’s eyes widened, and he pulled off. “Really?” he asked. “You liked it?” 

The insecurity in his voice was not the Junsu he wanted. Was not the Junsu he knew. He wanted the Junsu who sent him those texts, deliciously telling Seung Hyun exactly what he wanted to do, the Junsu who sank to his knees, bold and sure in the middle of a conference room. That was his Junsu. And no matter what he had to do this weekend, he was going to get that Junsu back. 

“It keeps coming back to me, popping into my head, making me hard at the worst times.” 

Junsu giggled, and Seung Hyun melted at the sight of Junsu trying to make his way back to him. 

“Your mouth.” He leaned in and placed a quick, biting kiss on Junsu’s lips. “Your tongue.” He leaned in again and invaded Junsu’s mouth with his own tongue, urging Junsu’s to move against him. 

“The look of you, your mouth full of my cock.” It was Junsu, this time, who moved forward, catching Seung Hyun’s mouth with his, making soft, little, mewing noises high in the back of his throat. Breaking off, he found Seung Hyun’s hand, and keeping his eyes directly on Seung Hyun, licked his way up the digits, swirling around the tips before sinking down on them, mimicking their previous time together, his eyes bold and full of sex and promises. Seung Hyun’s heart raced. This. This was his Junsu. 

When he didn’t think he could stand it for another minute, another second, feeling each tug of Junsu’s mouth like it was a direct line to his cock, Seung Hyun pulled his fingers out and replaced them with his lips. He followed a path again down towards Junsu’s ass, running his moist fingers down Junsu’s spine until he met the barrier of Junsu’s pajama pants. Slipping his fingers under the found Junsu’s plush ass again and slipped his moist fingers between, slowly running his fingers around the area, around Junsu’s hole, pressing with a light pressure every time they ran over it. 

Junsu broke the kiss and arched his back, thrusting out his ass, pushing against Seung Hyun’s invasion with a heavy whimper. He balled his hands up in Seung Hyun’s own pajamas, attempting to hold on. 

Seung Hyun circled his fingers, again and again, spreading the moisture, making Junsu squirm and shudder before traveling downwards, following the trail from Junsu’s ass to his cock, and Junsu bucked, grinding his hips desperately down onto Seung Hyun’s own cock. 

“Fuck, Junsu, fuck,” he panted, his veins, his body, everywhere, was filled with a thrumming need, an overwhelming desire for this man, for this person. Looking down, to where their hips connected, his plaid, flannel PJs against Junsu’s gray, silk bottoms. Grey, silk bottoms which were straining against the weight of Junsu's cock, a dark circle of wetness made by Junsu’s pre-come. Seung Hyun realized he wanted more. He needed more. 

But did he deserve more?

“What?” Junsu asked, his eyes fluttering open, his gaze dark and full of his own need and want. 

“You’re wet,” Seung Hyun said, gesturing downwards to where they were pressed together. 

Junsu blushed a soft pink that was so pretty. “Sorry? I can’t help it, you make me really excited.” 

“I want to see you,” Seung Hyun said plainly, his fingers drifting back up and around Junsu’s sensitive hole, making Junsu dig his fingers into Seung Hyun’s hard shoulders. He felt the bite of Junsu’s nails and knew he’d have a mark there. Junsu’s mark.  

“You can’t see me?” Junsu asked, confused. “I’m kind of right on top of you.” 

“No.” Seung Hyun shook his head. “No. I want to see you. Out of these.” He gestured down the wet silk. 

“Oh,” Junsu said as he realized what Seung Hyun was saying. “OHHHH.” His smile was full of wicked. “Well then. Take them off.” 

“It’s not…” Seung Hyun paused. “It’s not fair.” 

Junsu looked confused again and completely stopped his movements, which wasn’t what Seung Hyun wanted at all. “Why?” 

“Because I can’t.” He ducked his head, tucking it into Junsu’s throat. “It’s not fair to make you do what I won’t.” 

Junsu ran his hands over the back of Seung Hyun’s head and pulled him away. “It’s not about fair. It’s about making each other happy. You don’t have to be naked for me to be happy. And,” he cocked his head and reached his hand down until it met Seung Hyun’s underneath Junsu’s pajama bottoms until his finger found Seung Hyun’s and pressed it firmly until it just breached his hole, arching hard against him. Making Seung Hyun even more crazy to see him, to have him. “If me being naked makes you happy, then who am I to complain?” 

It was the giggle that finally did it for Seung Hyun — the slight giggle that Junsu gave him as he looked at him with want, as he rode Seung Hyun’s thigh, as their fingers… that’s when Seung Hyun realized it was okay. Whatever they did was okay. 

Hugging Junsu to him, he rolled them, tangling their legs in the duvet until Junsu’s back was pressed firmly into the mattress and Seung Hyun lay between his thighs, rubbing their cocks hard. Junsu whimpered and rocked his hips high into Seung Hyun. 

Regretfully, he removed his hands from Junsu’s ass and climbed up to his knees until he towered over Junsu. Staring down at where Junsu lay below, breathing hard, his chest struggling with every breath, Seung Hyun ran his fingers down Junsu’s chest, over his stomach, straight down to the pajama bottoms with their front slowly changing color as the moisture from Junsu spread. Scooting down, Seung Hyun caught Junsu’s eye as he leaned over and ran his lips over the straining, hard length that was hidden beneath, just barely tracing his them over the fabric. Opening his mouth, he gently ran his teeth along the ridge. Junsu bucked his hips hard and let out a loud keening whine. 

He took that as a good sign, as he really was just figuring it out as he went along, gauging each movement, each sound as an indicator, a traffic light. He slowed his movements, feeling each twitch of Junsu beneath him, loving Junsu’s whines, his cries demanding Seung Hyun move faster. He watched the wet spot, now a mixture of Junsu’s juices and his own saliva widen across the Junsu’s pants, proud. He did that. They did that. He felt his own cock grow hard and tight in response. He licked at the fabric, the soft silk, at Junsu, unable to stop himself. His original goal had been to rid Junsu of the pants, but somehow he’d gotten distracted. So easy to do with Junsu. 

Unable to wait a single second longer, he reached out and grabbed the waistband of Junsu’s bottoms, egged on by Junsu’s desperate “Please.” Pulling gently — okay, not so gently — he tugged them past Junsu’s hard, wet cock where it lay, thick and beautiful, on his firm stomach, past Junsu’s ass, Junsu lifting his hips up to help, bringing Junsu’s cock close to Seung Hyun’s face. Leaning in he swiped at it with his tongue, tasting Junsu at last, salty on his tongue. Junsu sobbed his name and rocked his hips desperately upwards again. 

Not one to miss a signal, Seung Hyun slipped the tip of Junsu’s cock into this mouth, and just as Junsu had with his fingers, tugged gently at the head. He watched as Junsu threw his head back and grabbed fistfuls of sheet to steady himself. 

“Seung Hyun-ah,” he cried out. 

“Your cock is beautiful, Junsu,” he said, licking down the length. “You taste…” he trailed off, swirling around the top, “amazing.” 

Seung Hyun bobbed his head down before taking Junsu fully into his mouth, reveling in the soft velvety skin, the thick veins that ran down, the delicious hardness it all covered. Letting go with a pop, he fisted his hand around Junsu, his fingers just meeting around his thick size, and pumped once, twice, kissing the soft skin left bare by his touch. 

“Seung Hyun, please,” Junsu choked out. “Please, Seung Hyun, I don’t want to come alone.” He desperately looked down to where Seung Hyun lay between his legs. “Please…” he begged. 

Seung Hyun lurched up and stretched himself over Junsu, settling himself in between those silky thighs. Thighs that spread to fit him perfectly. He ran his hand down Junsu’s bare skin, his knees slightly bent, holding Seung Hyun in place. At Junsu’s shudder, Seung Hyun did it again, slipping his hand over Junsu’s naked form, down his chest, along his side, past his hip, to his muscular thigh.

“Are you trying to murder me?” Junsu gasped. 

“Maybe,” he said, thrusting his hips forward, shoving his hand under Junsu’s ass to tug them closer together. Junsu’s eyes fluttered back into his head and Seung Hyun tried it again to see if he could repeat the effect. This time the flutter was accompanied by Junsu throwing his head back in pleasure with a low groan. 

Seung Hyun followed him, latching onto his bared neck, kissing and sucking, leaving a mark — his mark — there. 

Looking at Junsu writhing beneath him, feeling every movement in his own hips, unable to stay still, Seung Hyun knew he needed more. Knew Junsu deserved more. Nervous but determined, Seung Hyun took a deep breath and pulled his own straining pajama bottoms down just enough to release his own aching, wet cock, and pausing just a moment, he surged forward, fitting their bodies together, taking both of their cocks in his hand and pressing them tightly in his fist. 

Junsu’s eyes flew open and locked with Seung Hyun’s. He moaned and called out Seung Hyun’s name high and desperate. 

The feeling of their skin, warm and hard, slick and wet together was more than Seung Hyun had ever imagined. Unable to take his eyes away from Junsu — of the two of them together, their skin touching — he tentatively thrust his hips against their cocks, against his fist.  His eyes rolled as a white hot electricity burned through him, overwhelming his system. Junsu cried out and thrust his own hips, sliding their cocks together, against his hand. 

It was fucking hot. 

But it was more than that. It was so fucking beautiful. And perfect. Because they were beautiful and perfect for each other. Smoothing his hand up and down their lengths, his breath caught, lost in the sensation of skin, of heat, of moisture. Reaching the top, he circled each head, slicking their juices together, pulling it down, the wetness making the slide slick and fast. Junsu’s control seemed to snap and he thrust wildly into Seung Hun’s hand, chewing hard on his bottom lip. Seung Hyun couldn’t help but watch him in wonder. 

Finally, Junsu arched his back hard and gasped, making a high, keening wail as he came, pooling hot come over his stomach. With one more tug, Seung Hyun felt his balls tighten and he exploded, following Junsu, stars dancing in his head. Unable to hold himself up for any longer he collapsed heavy at Junsu’s side, holding him close until their breath came back to normal. 

“Holy fuck,” Junsu panted. 

“Yeah,” Seung Hyun said with a laugh. 

His breathing coming back down to normal, Junsu looked down at the mess they’d made on him, the mixture of their come on his skin. Idly he ran his fingers through it, combining it, patterning it on his skin. 

“Ew.” 

Junsu looked at him and giggled. “I’m sorry. What did you say?” he asked. “You think the physical proof of what we just accomplished is ‘ew’?” 

“Umm… no?” Seung Hyun asked, trying to get his brain to catch up to him when really it just wanted to happily buzz at him. Every, single, fucking time he was with Junsu it just got better and better, every time with him was a million times better than anything he had before. 

“Damn right, no. It’s sexy.” 

Junsu, naked and satisfied, his stomach painted with come, looking sexy and debauched, and yet finally looking so much like his happy Junsu. No, no, he couldn't say anything they did was wrong or gross. Hesitating for just a moment, he trailed his fingers over Junsu’s stomach. 

“Have I mentioned you’re fucking amazing?” he murmured. 

Right before his eyes, Junsu melted, losing the shadows that had taken up residence there since the night before, and gave him a soft smile that just knocked right at Seung Hyun’s heart. 

“Have I ever mentioned you’re fucking amazing?” he said back, his voice slightly hoarse and low. 

Ignoring the clock that ticked down their time together. Ignoring that he was going to have to let Junsu go back to his family. Ignoring the realization that they still had a long way to go before Junsu fully trusted him again. Ignoring the feelings that kept wanting to tumble out from him before he was ready before they were ready. Ignoring all that, he leaned down and kissed Junsu, long and sweet. 


	42. The Other Side of Perfect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Junsu's afterglow gets messed up. Hard. Unaware of what's going on, Seung Hyun goes to Ji Yong for advise on how to get through to his freaked out boyfriend.

Junsu sat in the makeup chair in the staging area his mother used for these events. He'd done this enough to know the drill, to know there was no sense in struggling against his fate — it only made things harder in the long run. Taking long, cleansing breaths, he tried to push it all aside. His fear over what his brother knew. His anger and irritation with his mother for planning this event without telling him. His fans deserved better than that. It wasn't his fans’ fault he wanted to be somewhere, anywhere, else right now. And they certainly didn't deserve the irritation and impatience he was holding back. 

_ No, _ he thought,  _ time for a diversionary tactic. Seung Hyun. Seung Hyun-ah. _

His eyed fluttered to a close. His boyfriend, Seung Hyun, who was wonderful and amazing and a pain in the ass and everything Junsu had ever dreamed he would be. Junsu had honestly expected him to be running to the mainland by now, running away from him. From them. He replayed those moments from their time together this morning, remembering every moment, what Seung Hyun's fingers felt like on his skin (magic), that silky tongue, that raspy, rough voice burying Junsu in praise and encouragement (he died, he died again and again and again with every phrase, with every kind word), the fact that it was Seung Hyun doing those things to him? (Unbelievable.)

Seung Hyun was amazing. So amazing that whenever he allowed the thoughts to creep in, he was terrified what his life would be like if Seung Hyun left. He was more afraid of Seung Hyun leaving than he had was of his upcoming military service. More afraid of living his life without Seung Hyun than he ever had been making the decision to leave TVXQ. He loved him with all of his heart — and he had for a while now. What they had done today, what Seung Hyun had done the last few days, it was starting to wear him down, starting to make him think that maybe, just maybe, he wouldn’t lose him. That maybe Seung Hyun felt — even a little bit — what Junsu did for him. Not just anyone would do that for another person, would they? 

The ‘taking care of’ part. Not the sex part. He felt a little blush rise on his cheeks as his mind was filled with a visual of Seung Hyun when he came, all shaky and filled with wonder, his eyes hazy and blown wide. Looking like the god of sex and debauchery. 

He couldn’t wait to do it again. 

Throwing his hands over his face as he was now in a full on blush, he made a noise into his hands. They were close, he realized, so close. 

“Junsu-ah, you have five minutes before this starts,” his mother said, jerking him out of his thoughts.  _ Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. _ He refused to think sexy thoughts about his boyfriend with his mother in the room. Couldn’t. At least, not if he ever wanted to get it up again. He needed to force himself to calm down before he headed out on stage — it was not really the place to be hot and bothered, and… yep… yep he was a little hard. 

_ Ew. Ew. Ew.  _

He forced himself to think of something else. Kittens. Kittens were a thing. He’d been meaning to talk to Seung Hyun about adopting the stray he’d found around his apartment complex. While Junsu had made a promise to his doctor not to adopt any more cats, he was fairly certain he’d still be abiding by the agreement if he got Seung Hyun to adopt him. He kept his word and kitty had a home. And if it happened to be a home where he was pretty much guaranteed visitation rights, all the better, right? 

“Are you listening to me?” his mother scolded. 

Taking stock, Junsu realized he was okay to look his mother in the eye again and put his hands down. “What?” he said shortly. 

“Do not tell me you’re still pouting about this Kim Junsu,” his mother said, frowning at him. “You’re acting like a child. Like you don’t want to help your family make Toscana be a success. Like your time with your friend is more important than your family.” 

He felt the happiness slip from him like he was a sieve. It was there one moment and then the next, it was gone. The burning in his stomach flared up again, and he gnawed on his lower lip. His mother stood over him in a stylish hanbok, her hair perfectly coiffed, her makeup expertly applied by the artist who had then done his own makeup. The only thing marring her beauty was the unhappy, pained look. 

Feeling caught, he shook his head. “No, Mom. I’m not mad at you, I just wish you’d told me before making plans.” 

“Since when do you need me to do things like that Junsu? Do you not trust me not to have your best interests at heart? I’m your mother.” She delicately sniffed, tears welling in her eyes. “I’ve done my best for you all these years. I don’t know what I’ve done for you to treat me this way.” 

And there it was. The words that he could never say no to. The words that there were no fighting against. Not that he fought often, no, fighting was Junho’s way. For his way, he’d always found it easier just to go along with whatever she wanted. It was never terrible. And if it made them happy? Gave them peace? Stopped her from being upset? It was worth giving in and saying yes. Even though he resented himself a little bit with every ‘yes,’ every time he caved, every time he bit his own tongue not saying anything. 

His mother's lip quivered and he jumped out of his chair and took her in his arms where she leaned delicately on him. “It's okay, Mom, I'm sorry. It's fine. Do what you want, I'm just saying, give me a heads up next time, okay?” he said, rubbing her back. 

“I will,” she sniffed. “You're right, I'm sorry, dear. I did not realize you'd be bringing a friend with you.”

Maybe she was right, it's not like he'd told anyone in his family he was bringing someone home with him, let alone that this person word be a top star, and certainly not mentioning the fact that he was bringing his top star boyfriend home. He knew his mom, he should have just known that she would want to capitalize on his visit, capitalize on the publicity of the match. He was dumb for not having expected it — and that he couldn't blame his mother for.

“So,” he said in an overly cheerful voice, happy Junsu resolutely back in place. “How many people showed up for this?”

“Junsu-yah,” his mother pulled back and said with a wide triumphant grin. “We are completely sold out!” 

Considering the size of the space she created for events like these, it was impressive. Of course, with the influx of fans here to see his soccer tournament, it was pretty much shooting fish in a barrel.  _ Of course, _ with lots of his fans here for the soccer game, it wasn't that much of a surprise. If he'd been smarter, he probably would have come up with the idea himself. He was supposed to be an artist  _ and _ a businessman. 

His mother stepped back and studied him. “Junsu, dear,” she said, frowning at his simple, white button up. “Don’t you think this shirt is a little… plain for this event?” she nodded at one of her ever present assistants who rushed over with a thin, black t-shirt. 

“A black t-shirt?” he asked. “How is this more exciting than what I’m wearing?” 

“Well. The neckline. These people came all this way to see you. It wouldn’t hurt you to show them a little…” she trailed off as she began tugging the shirt he wore up and over his torso. With a roll of his eyes, he lifted his arms high and allowed her to strip him of the offending shirt. 

“What’s this?” she asked, peering at him. 

“What’s what?” he asked, grabbing the shirt from the assistant with a quick bow. The girl giggled and flushed, making Junsu realize he was just standing around like an idiot without a shirt on. Quickly, he tugged the soft fabric of his mother-approved shirt over his head. Looking at himself in the mirror he took in the image — judging. The shirt was low. It was cut so low that it showed off his collarbones and a good portion of his chest. 

Something he couldn’t wait for Seung Hyun to see him in, knowing what a thing his boyfriend had for his collarbones. 

But for his fans? He picked up the dark suit jacket he’d laid to the side when he’d come in and slipped into it. 

“This mark.” his mother said, pointing at Junsu’s neck. “What happened to your neck?”

Junsu tilted his head in the mirror and gasped when he saw what she was referring to. A round, deep purple bruise sat high on his neck, just under his jawline, for all to see. A mark. Seung Hyun’s mark. 

His heart fluttered, and he caught his mother’s accusing gaze in the mirror. 

“What is that bruise doing on your neck, Kim Junsu?” she demanded. 

He slipped his hand over it, as if he could hide it from her, as if he could make her unsee it by will alone. “It’s just a bruise,” he said quickly. “I… ah… hit myself on a door.”

“Leaving a perfect circle on your neck?” she asked. 

“I…” he flushed hard, his brain whirring, trying to come up with some kind of explanation. 

“You aren’t actually stupid enough to think I’d buy that, Junsu,” she said, her voice cold and angry. “Do you really think I wouldn’t know what that is? Who is she Junsu?”

Desperately, he looked around the room, a room filled with people who were now trying to look very busy with their jobs and not listening to a top star being outed by his own mother. 

He nodded his head, gesturing to the room as subtly as he could, forcing himself to laugh out loud. A happy, light-hearted Xia Junsu laugh. “Mother! What are you thinking? Remember? Yesterday when Junho and I were taking off our shoes and he opened the door? The knob hit me. Remember when I fell over?”

His mother narrowed her eyes and her lips set tight. “What have I told you boys about horsing around in the house?” she said curtly, unhappy but playing along. 

The pink still stained his cheeks, his heart still racing, he bowed his head in apology. "Sorry, Omma. I’ll remember next time.”

“See that you do.” She gestured to the makeup chair. “Sit. You can’t go out there like that.” Clutching his arm, her fingers digging into his skin, she yanked him into the seat.

“We could get the makeup…” he trailed off at her hard look. 

“No sense in bringing her back for something so trivial,” she said, her voice tight and controlled. “You and your brother get into so much trouble, I don’t know what I’m going to do with you.” She reached for the bottle of concealer from the counter. In brisk, hard movements, she smeared his neck with the expensive product. 

“Sorry,” he whispered, not able to look at her in the mirror. 

“What would have happened if you’d seriously damaged yourself, Junsu? What would have happened today? With all your fans, who probably worked so hard to come here to see you? All of the hard work I put into arranging this? It would have been all ruined.” She switched the concealer for his usual tube of BB cream and began blending it in. The dig of the sponge at his skin made him wince, and he desperately wished Seung Hyun was here. Wished Yoochun was here. Wished he were anywhere but here. 

“You need to think about these things, Junsu, before you do anything stupid like that.” 

He nodded, swallowing hard. “Yes, Omma,” he said quietly, trying to hold his shakes. 

She stepped back and studied her work. “That will do,” she said. Looking around the room, she nodded to the people who were now actually doing their jobs. “My silly boy,” she said, shaking her head. “So clumsy.” 

Ducking down, she laid her lips cooly on his cheek. “We’ll talk about this later, Junsu,” she said, and he caught her eyes in the mirror and, swallowing, his stomach quaking, he nodded. 

**********

Seung Hyun sipped at the steaming mug of coffee and slouched low in the expensive deck chair, letting his head rest on the back, feeling the warm sun on his face. He smiled, feeling comfortable and happy. Of course, he’d be a lot more comfortable and happy if he were with Junsu right now, but no sense in making things harder for himself by thinking about that. 

“I didn’t think I’d see you again. Wasn’t it you who said, ‘don’t even think of bothering me this weekend?’” Ji Yong piped up from beside him, messing with his moment. 

“Someone didn’t give Junsu’s mom the message,” he grumbled. 

“Kick you out, did she? Didn’t want such a hooligan dating her angel of a son?” Something hit Seung Hyun in the face and he peered through one eye, to see it was a straw wrapper that had been chucked at him. 

“Mature Ji Yong,” he said, “and no. She scheduled him a fan meet and, obviously, I can’t be there, so I’m here.” 

“Bothering me on my free weekend.” 

“Yeah, well, I refuse to be the only one suffering right now,” he said, letting his eye drift shut. 

Junsu should be hitting the stage right about now. He’d thought about going to watch him, but Junsu had talked him out of it — no sense in bringing attention to himself. He was thankful Ji Yong was here and was fairly certain it was for plausible deniability that he had decided to take a break at the same time. 

He was a good friend, Ji Yong. 

“Thanks, man,” he said. “I mean. For staying.” 

“What are you talking about?” Ji Yong said innocently. “I’m here to visit my own parents. The timing just worked out.” 

“Sure,” Seung Hyun said. “Did the guys go back?” 

“Daesung and Taeyang did, they have schedules.” 

“And Seungri?” Seung Hyun was almost afraid to ask. 

“He’s determined to stay for the soccer game — thinks it will be a good chance for him to score points with Junsu.” 

“Uhhhhgh,” Seung Hyun groaned. “Why didn’t you stop him?” 

Ji Yong snorted. “You’re thinking I have control over Seungri?” 

“Aren’t you leader or something?” 

“Sure. Because that totally works on Seungri. He seems pretty intent on joining up with the team.” 

“I was hoping he’d have moved onto something else by now.” He took another sip of his coffee. The coffee shop attached to Ji Yong’s pension made excellent coffee. Before they left, he should probably bring Junsu here — not that he needed any help with his americano addiction — sometimes the man drank so many he seemed like he was vibrating with caffeine. 

“So. You gonna tell me what’s wrong?” Ji Yong asked. 

Lifting his head, he looked at Ji Yong. Yeah. There wasn’t really hiding anything from the man. He was either such a good friend or such a good leader, he just knew when there was something wrong with one of the members. Which, if Seung Hyun admitted it to himself, was probably part of the reason why he found himself pointing the rental car in this direction once he finally pulled himself away from Junsu. 

“So many things,” he sighed. 

“List ’em out. Let’s see what we’re working with,” Ji Yong said, sipping on his own coffee. 

Having had enough sit downs with Ji Yong, he knew the drill. List them out, find the easiest, tackle it first, move upwards. 

“Let’s see. Junsu’s family is terrible. Junsu’s mom trots him around like some show dog, his brother is a jealous fuck who attempted to out us to the family, everyone seems to be using Junsu, and he just lets them because he thinks… fuck… I don’t know, that that’s what families do?” He took a deep breath. “Then it turns out Junsu doesn’t trust me to stick around, is scared shitless that I’m going to run for the hills at any sign of trouble. Ugh, and I had to make friends with Yoochun.” 

Ji Yong blinked. “Well. That’s a lot.” 

“Oh. Junsu and I had sex this morning.” He wiggled his head, considering. “Pretty much. Not that that’s an issue… I just wanted to say it out loud.” He grinned widely at Ji Yong. 

“Is that why you look like that?” Ji Yong made a face. 

“Like what?” 

“Dude. You look like you’re fucking glowing.”

“I am?” 

“Yeah. Stop it. It’s creeping me out.”

“He’s amazing,” Seung Hyun said. “You don’t know this, but he’s just… amazing. But I look at him, and he looks like he has all his shit together. Like he’s figured it all out, and this trip? I realize he’s dealing with a lot — on top of what I put him through. I’m not sure how he does it and stays so fucking happy.” 

“Not all happy is real happy,” Ji Yong said plainly. He flicked the lid to his lighter opened and closed, opened and closed. “You should know in our business, you can’t be anything but happy.” 

“Yeah, but this is Junsu. He kind of breathes sunshine and light. It would be irritating if he weren’t so hot.” 

Ji Yong laughed. The sound captured the attention of his dog, Jolie, and she wandered over to where they were sitting, butting her head against Seung Hyun’s leg in a pretty convincing ‘pet me’ argument. He reached down and scratched her behind the ear. 

“You, my friend, are such a fucking goner. Does Junsu even know what he’s done to you?” 

As a thank you, Jolie gave his hand a lazy lick then collapsed at his feet with a heavy groan. 

“Part of the problem. No. I don’t think he does. Last night, when everything was going down? Junsu was in a full on melt down, not because of what they were doing to him, but because he thought it was going to make me run. How do I fight against that? How do I fix what I’ve broken?” he sighed. 

“You be there. Don’t run away. Ever again.” Ji Yong stared him in the eye, hard. “And I mean EVER. Show him what he means to you. Then, maybe, after a while, he’ll believe it.” 

“I don’t plan on running away again. If I could go back in time I’d kick myself in the ass for being such a dumb selfish fuck.”

“Junsu will see that. Eventually. I mean, for some reason he took you back didn’t he?” 

Seung Hyun shrugged. “He did. But I can’t help but sense that he’s just enjoying it while the ride lasts, ready to get off at any time.” 

“Yeah. You done fucked up. I don’t even need to know what you did to know you fucked up hard. But again. Don’t leave. Even if he pushes.” 

Like Seung Hyun had any intention of doing that, he realized. 

“Consider it done. What about the other shit?” 

“Now, that, I might have an idea…” 


	43. Who's The Real Weird One Here?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last thing Junsu expected on his mini-break with Seung Hyun was to be going on a romantic boat ride with Seungri.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You may have noticed that the posts have been going up on Monday rather than Sunday. Sorry about that! I've been moving across the country and time slipppped away. Now that I'm settled(ish) we should be getting back on schedule and getting ready to finish up this thing!
> 
> P.S. Trying very hard to ignore a dumb ass move from a certain dumb ass celebrity and am hoping that he hasn't completely ruined his career. That said, current events will not be a part of the TOPSU world either here or in Future Drabbles.

“JUNSU!”

The air expelled from Junsu’s lungs as he was suddenly jumped on from the back. A pair of strong arms latched around his neck, and he nearly fell backwards with the weight of someone clinging to him. Bracing his legs, he wrapped his arms around the legs that now circled his waist in an attempt to make sure that neither of them crashed to the floor.

“Seungri!” he chuckled and gave those legs a warm hug, enjoying the younger man’s exuberance. Not that he’d say so to Seung Hyun, but Seungri reminded him a little bit of himself. “I’m glad you could join us.”

“This means I’m totally part of the team, right?” He dug his legs a little bit harder into Junsu’s sides, using the hold as leverage to bounce himself on Junsu’s back.

“Seungri. What did I say?” he said, trying to make his voice firm.

“Sigh. That I’m only here to meet the team and that this absolutely does not mean I’m on the team,” he recited what Junsu had told him over the phone. Over text. Via email.

“Exactly. So go impress the rest of the team.”

“Does that mean I have your vote? You’re captain. Your vote means more.”

“I’m not supreme ruler of the FTMen’s club. We vote.”

“Fiiiiine,” Seungri drawled out, the audible version of an eye roll not missing Junsu. Reaching down, he placed a big wet, smacking kiss on Junsu’s cheek before unwrapping his legs and climbing down off him.

“And you came in without anyone seeing you?” Junsu asked.

“I’ve been hiding in this stupid boat for hours. Good thing they have good wi-fi here. I caught up on my videos.”

Junsu was fairly certain he didn’t want to know what sort of videos the BigBang youngest was catching up on. If Seungri in real life was anything like the reports that leaked online (and his interactions with him so far didn’t give him any reason to believe otherwise), he definitely didn’t want to know.

Bending down, Junsu picked up the bottle of water he’d been carrying before being jumped by Seungri. “Did you meet the rest of the team?”

“Nope. Waited for you, Captain.”

“Now that we’ve left port, you should go say hi to everyone. Introduce yourself. Try to make a good impression.”

Leaving Junsu for a few minutes so he could make his mind stop whirling for a minute. A second. Anything. He needed to process. He needed to think. He needed to talk to Seung Hyun.

Except that was the last thing he needed to do.

He gulped hard, his stomach clenching so hard he could feel the tension up through his chest, his shoulders, his fingers, his toes. Even his eyes hurt from the stress.

Seungri propped his elbows on the boat railing and studied him. “Naaah, I think I’m okay here.”

“I thought you wanted to be a part of the team?” Junsu said, trying hard to keep his voice normal. He was good at it, he’d been doing it for hours now. Throughout the fan meet, that wasn’t just him meeting fans, but a three-part schedule, him personally giving out cups of Toscana brewed coffee to each individual fan, to a performance, to a closing. All day. It took his entire afternoon and sucked up a good portion of his evening, until he’d finally escaped his mother's suspicious, watchful eye and escaped to the boat, where he was meeting up with the team, sponsors, and Seungri.

Just thinking of the looks his mother had shot him all day, her insistence to stay right by his side, their conversation earlier, he was on edge.

“Oh. I’m going to be part of the team,” Seungri said. “You just try to say no to this face.” He propped his face in between his thumb and forefinger, posing for Junsu with a wink. “It’s only a matter of time.”

Junsu shook his head, amused despite himself, and he realized, yep, Seungri was right, Junsu already grudgingly considered him part of their team. He made a note to himself to talk to the other guys before the match tomorrow, to pave the way for him. Even if it was Seungri, it’s not like they would hurt by having a member of BigBang on their team. Considering most of their matches were for charity, big names brought in big attendances and big donations.

Looking out over the shining water, golden from the sunset, feeling the wind slowly brush through his hair, he willed himself to be at peace. He loved the water. He loved being on boats. He loved sunset. He loved his team. And… grudgingly he was beginning to love the annoying Seungri. This should be a good evening. He closed his eyes and lifted his face against the sinking sun and felt the slight spray of ocean water mist his face. He breathed in the smell of the salty air.

And Seungri's cologne.

With a sigh, he opened one eye and peered at Seungri, who had slowly edged closer to him. “Really. Seungri. Go. Meet the team. Schmooze your face off. Enjoy yourself.”

“Is there a reason why you aren’t enjoying yourself?” Seungri asked.

“It’s been a long day. I just… need a few minutes of quiet before I go in there and schmooze my own face off.”

Seungri studied him, peering at him through narrowed eyes. “Fine. Schmoozing it is. But if you don’t join in ten minutes I’m coming back.”

Junsu nodded, forcing a smile to his face, and finally, thankfully, Seungri left him to join the party taking place on the lower floor of the boat. Looking down at the main deck, he waved at Kikwang who was perched on top of the railing.

“Kikwang. Get down before you fall off!” he shouted.

Doojoon caught sight of his bandmate and, nodding to Junsu, went over to yank him down. Knowing Doojoon would keep an eye out for everyone until he joined them, Junsu stepped back from the railing and laid out in lounge chair situated on the deck. A few minutes, he promised himself, a few minutes alone and he’d make himself join the party.

His phone buzzed in his pocket.

 

 **Seung Hyun**   
Having Fun?

 

 **Junsu**   
Not yet. Soon.

 

 **Seung Hyun** **  
** Why? What’s wrong?   
Need me to come get you?

 

Junsu kicked himself for saying anything. He wasn’t sure if he should say anything to Seung Hyun about what happened. About his conversation with his mother. About her suspicions. In his heart, he knew Seung Hyun would want to know, would demand to know, but that same heart told him that he shouldn’t, couldn’t, say anything. His family had already made such a bad impression, he didn’t want to give Seung Hyun any other excuse not to like them. He also didn’t think it would go over very well that he was found out because of a mark Seung Hyun had made on him. There was no way he wanted Seung Hyun to feel guilty about any part of what they did, didn’t want him to blame himself for what was going to happen between Junsu and his mother.

Just as he was desperately trying to do. Remember the good times. Remember the happiness. Remember how amazing it was, how far they had gotten, how close they had become, both physically and emotionally. He resolved not to let anything about this morning become tainted.

But remembering the look of disgust on his mother's face? Her anger? It was hard.

 

 **Seung Hyun**   
JUNSU.

 

 **Junsu**   
Sorry.   
One of the guys came over.   
I’m at sea, doofus.   
You can’t come get me.

 

 **Seung Hyun.**   
So there IS something wrong.  
I’ll buy a fucking boat.

 

 **Junsu** .   
I’m fine.   
Tired.   
I miss you.

 

And he did. Terribly. It seemed as though each time they were together he became to depend on Seung Hyun just a little bit more. Needed him. Wanted to be near him. To see him, to touch him, heck, to just hear his voice or see his smile. The power of his feelings for Seung Hyun were beginning to overpower him a little, and he was worried, he was seriously concerned for his well being if this didn’t work out.

 

 **Seung Hyun** **  
** How did it go today?

 

 **Junsu**   
It was good.   
Long.   
Good.   
Miss you.

 

 **Seung Hyun**   
Of course you do.   
I’m infinitely missable.

 

 **Junsu**   
I’d say I’m missing you less now   
But that’s a lie.   
*HUG*   
*HUG*   
*HUG*   
I wish you were here.   
Or that I was there.   
Why couldn’t you want to join my team?   
Then I could sneak you on the boat like Seungri.

 

 **Seung Hyun**   
That little shit.   
That’s where he is?

 

 **Junsu**   
Yeah. Stole him.

 

 **Seung Hyun**   
You steal him you have to keep him.

 

 **Junsu**   
He likes me more anyway.

 

 **Seung Hyun**   
Only because he wants something from you.

 

Junsu looked down to the deck below, looking at Seungri with his wide smile, butting himself into a conversation between Baro and Ji Chang Wook.

 

 **Junsu**   
Probably.

 

 **Seung Hyun**   
Shit. I didn’t mean it like that.

 

 **Junsu**   
Didn’t take it that way.   
Don’t worry, you earned massive good boyfriend points this weekend.   
MASSIVE  
Prepare for rewards.

 

 **Seung Hyun**   
I like rewards

 

 **Junsu**   
Sigh.   
Not tonight though.   
I’m not going to get back until late.   
Didn’t realize we were actually going out to sea.

 

 **Seung Hyun**   
Shit.

 

 **Junsu**   
I’m being thwarted.   
Hate being thwarted.   
You should probably just go.

 

 **Seung Hyun**   
Fuck that.

 

 **Junsu**   
Really.   
No point in your staying.   
Late tonight, up early tomorrow   
Mom set up an event at the spa for the team.

 

 **Seung Hyun**   
Shit.   
We are being thwarted.

 

 **Junsu**   
Toldja   
:( :( :(

 

 **Seung Hyun**   
Still   
not going home.   
My favorite soccer team is playing tomorrow.

 

 **Junsu** **  
** <3 <3 <3

 

 **Seung Hyun** **  
** Now let’s talk about those rewards.   
In detail   
Great Detail

 

“Ten minutes are up!” Seungri announced. Junsu jumped hard at the shock, fumbling with his phone.

“Sexting Seung Hyun?”

“Yes. I mean… what?” Junsu said, flustered, shutting down the face of his screen.

“Seung Hyun. You guys dating or what?”

Junsu swallowed hard, and it instantly went down the wrong pipe, choking him. He coughed and sputtered trying to tell Seungri he had it all wrong, but it just coming out as random squeaking voices.

“It’s okay, you know. I don’t care you guys are totally gay for each other.”

“It’s not, we’re not…” Junsu stuttered, words not making much sense even though he could now form them.

“Seriously. Dude. So you guys like it up the butt. No big deal.” He perched himself on the edge of the Junsu’s chair.

“How did you…”

“Seung Hyun likes to pretend he’s all cool and mysterious, but he’s like the total opposite of that. Obvious. He’s obvious. And he obviously has the hots for you.”

“Do you think everyone…?” Were they that obvious? Would everyone know now? His brother figured it out. Seungri figured it out. His mother was close. How long would it be before everyone saw through their fake bromance and everything was ruined?

Seungri wrinkled his nose. “Nah. I’ve known him for years. He can’t keep anything from Seungri.”

“You’re talking about yourself in the third person. It’s weird,” Junsu said.

“Yeah, well, you willingly suck face with Seung Hyun. Who’s the real weird one here?”

Junsu slapped his hand over Seungri’s face, looking around to see if they were still alone. “Shhhh…”

His hand became wet, and he instantly let go. “Ew. Did you just lick me?”

“I did. Hey. Does that count as second base? Are you cheating on Seung Hyun now? Don’t tell him! He will probably murder me. That is a man who does not like to share his toys.”

Junsu wiped his wet hand down his pants, cringing at the mark it left. “One. Ew, _no_. And two, I’m not Seung Hyun’s toy.”

“All sorts of toys, Junsu-shi,” Seungri leered at him, complete with a full, double eyebrow wiggle. “Not that I want to know about your reindeer games.”

“I’m beginning to like you less, Seungri.”

“Nah. You’ve fallen for my charm. You can’t help it. No one can.”

And the stupid kid was right.

“Don’t tell anyone.”

“Dude. You wound me. My lips are sealed. Like your lips are sealed around Seung Hyun’s —”

Junsu leapt forward and tackled Seungri off the chair and onto the floor.

**********

Though he was still worried, his mind still wouldn’t stop, but thanks to Seungri keeping him on his toes, Junsu was able to get through the night. He schmoozed the hosts, laughed and joked with his teammates, and ate his fill of delicious Chinese buffet. And all through that, he kept up a steady stream of chats with Seung Hyun, who was determined to stick around for the game and even more determined to make him feel better about the entire situation.

He wouldn’t have thought it possible, but he continued to fall deeper in love with Seung Hyun. Despite his efforts to hold himself back a little bit. To keep himself safe.

His phone dinged again and, excusing himself from the conversation he was having with Woohyun, he ducked away, eagerly opening his phone.

 

 **Seung Hyun**   
I forgot to tell you.

 

 **Junsu**   
Forgot what?

 

 **Seung Hyun**   
I miss you too.

 

GAH! Just a few words and Seung Hyun could reduce him to a big pile of goo on the ground. He blushed and smiled at his phone.

 

 **Junsu**   
You and Ji Yong having fun? 

**Seung Hyun**   
Eh. I left him a little while ago.

 

 **Junsu** **  
** Where did you go?

 

 **Seung Hyun**   
Back to your place.   
Why is there a Christmas tree in your living room?   
It’s May.

 

 **Junsu**   
Jaejoongie gave it to me   
You’re at Toscana? Doing what?

 

Had Seung Hyun bumped into his mom? Had she said anything to him? No, he told himself, If she had said something to Seung Hyun he’d be upset and he’d tell Junsu.

Like Junsu had told him about what happened at the fan meet?

 

 **Seung Hyun**   
Lying in bed.   
Tired.   
Thinking of you.

  
**Junsu**   
And now I’m thinking of you

 

 **Seung Hyun**   
You weren’t before?

 

 **Junsu** **  
** Nope.   
I’ve been much too busy and important to think of you.

 

 **Seung Hyun**   
Ouch   
Maybe I will go home.

 

 **Junsu** **  
** wAIT!   
You didn’t let me finish!!!!!   
I’ve been much too busy and important

To think of you

More than every other minute or more.

:) :) :) <3 <3 <3 =====)~~~~

 

 **Seung Hyun** **  
** Seungri is a bad influence on you   
Don’t let him on your team.

 

 **Junsu**   
I’m sorry our weekend’s all messed up   
But I’m glad you’re here.   
Don’t wait up. I’ll be late

  
  
**Seung Hyun**   
Your bed smells like you.   
I’m glad I’m here too.   
Be safe.

 

Junsu smiled and clicked his phone off. He imagined Seung Hyun laying in his bed, his dark hair against his pillow, smelling Junsu’s own scent, and the butterflies in his stomach came back. _One more hour,_ he thought with a groan, looking at his watch. One more hour and he’d make them turn this boat around and head for home. Even if he had to do it himself.

**********

An unfortunate three hours later, Junsu finally typed in the passkey to his rooms, wincing at the sound of the digital beeps that rang out as he was granted access. Why did these things have to be so loud? He made a note to talk to someone about it in the morning. He couldn’t be the only one trying to ease into a room after hours, not wanting to wake loved ones.

Loved ones.

Seung Hyun. Seung Hyun was inside these very rooms, asleep in his bed. Easing through the door, he groaned as he slipped off his shoes, lining them up neatly next to where Seung Hyun’s lay sprawled in the entryway. After a thought, he bent down and carefully arranged Seung Hyun’s shoes, pointing them towards the door and placing his own right alongside. Standing up, stretching his tired back, he smiled down at the sight of their shoes, happy together. Mentally, he crossed another thing off his boyfriend to-do list. Arrange shoes.

A yawn overtook him, and he whined internally, loud and long, about how tired he was and how tired he was going to be tomorrow for the game. Not optimal for soccer domination. And he loved soccer, he loved his team, and Seung Hyun would be watching him, he wanted to do his best. Be the best. Or at least not want to fall over on the field from exhaustion. Padding over to the small kitchen area, he pulled out a bottle of water from the fridge and sucked down a good half of it, the crisp cold soothing his rough voice. He wasn’t sure when he’d lost control of the night, but if he had to guess, it was right about when Ki Kwang and Seungri got together and demanded a Noraebang sing-off — saying it was demanded of them, having so many idols from different bands in one place.

Not for the first time that night, he really began to regret agreeing to let Seungri join the team. Something told Junsu he was going to be a bad influence on the whole lot of them.

_Sigh._

Stretching long, feeling each of his muscles groan and pop, he turned off the low lights Seung Hyun had left on for him and tiptoed into the bedroom. There he was, where Junsu had pictured him for a good part of the evening, sprawled out over Junsu’s bed, his head tucked into Junsu’s pillow, His breath was quiet and low, his mouth slightly parted. For a moment… okay… maybe a few or five, Junsu just stood there taking him in. The fact that, after all these years, T.O.P — or even better yet, Choi Seung Hyun — was in his bed like he actually belonged there, like he actually planned on staying right there.

Quietly, Junsu undressed, letting his clothes drop to the floor, too tired, to focused on Seung Hyun, to care about things like putting his clothes away, like washing his face, like his upcoming...chat with his mother. No, it was as if seeing Seung Hyun laying there, totally asleep, had just sucked out all of his remaining energy (not that there was that much left), and his bones refused to be held up for a second longer. As softly as he could, he slipped into bed and slithered closer and closer to Seung Hyun, like he was a beacon Junsu could not resist until he was close enough to slip underneath the stretched out arm that lay across the bed. Slipped underneath it and straight into Seung Hyun’s arms, burying himself in Seung Hyun’s chest, tucking his head beneath his chin.

He could feel Seung Hyun warm and cozy around him could feel his breath in his hair with every exhale. He felt comfortable, secure, happy, and just… right. It scared him a little how much he wanted this to be his forever. No matter how many times he told himself he was silly, that he was running headlong into pain, that the walls were going to close in on him sooner than he wanted, here, in Seung Hyun’s arms, everything became so clear, so right.

Seung Hyun shifted and his arm tightened around Junsu, tugging him closer still, shifting his other arm until it tucked under Junsu’s head. He felt Seung Hyun’s lips brush against the top of his head in a sleepy kiss before becoming still again, his breathing steady and true.

To the sound of his breath, to the heartbeat beating against his ear, Junsu finally let his troubles of the day fade away. His eyes, unable to resist the cozy need for sleep, sank low, and he drifted asleep.


	44. Game On!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seung Hyun, Ji Yong and Seungri attend Junsu's soccer match — unaware that someone is watching.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not gonna lie. It was a tough week guys. There were moments where I wasn't sure if I could continue on with TOPSU — or — whether it was in bad taste or not. Honestly, I'm still not sure I'm making the right decision by going forward, but we've gotten this far — I'm literally just a few chapters away from the end and man, it would hurt to just stop, to come this far and leave me (and you) hanging. But my Seung Hyun and Junsu, while based on real people, are characters I made up. I don't know anything about what is really going on in their heads, what happens in the lives that they choose not to share with others. And this is exactly how it should be. 
> 
> So. Unless consensus is, you do think it's in bad taste, or inappropriate, I can stop posting or take it private, but for me? I need to see just how this story is going to end for MY Choi Seung Hyun and MY Junsu.

Seung Hyun, Seungri, and Ji Yong perched high in the bleachers, waiting for the game to start, attempting to not bring attention to themselves. Or he and Jiyong weren’t. Seungri was decked out in FC fan gear he’d bought at the souvenir stand and immediately stripped and changed into as the other two rolled their eyes and pretended not to know him. 

“What? It’s my team! I’ve gotta show support for my team.” 

He insisted on purchasing matching jerseys for Seung Hyun and Ji Yong — “What? It’s for charity!” — which they opted not to put on… although, as Seungri had made sure Seung Hyun got Junsu’s number 12, he’d be keeping it for his house later. 

The crowd was fairly decent for a charity match, although with all the big names here, Seung Hyun had anticipated a slightly larger crowd. Didn’t they know Junsu was here, playing? He’d assumed the place would be packed to the rims. Which is why he’d convinced Seungri and Ji Yong to come an hour before the match. 

Vaguely, he remembered Junsu coming in last night or really early this morning, and he’d managed to wake up just in time to catch a tiny, sleepy, good morning kiss as Junsu was sneaking out to start his busy day. He’d wanted to get up with him, to make sure he ate, to… just be with him, to see him, but he hadn’t anticipated just how early Junsu was going to start his day, and with only one alarm clock set on his phone instead of his usual five, there had been little chance of him getting up in time. 

Junsu was right, this weekend had been pretty much a bust, but that was okay, they’d just plan another, and if that one didn’t work, they’d do it again and again and again until they got it right. Look at how many tries it took for them to get the first date right. It had been silly of them to assume they’d get a weekend away right on the first try. 

Now, just to convince Junsu of that. 

The crowds were such that he wondered if they could afford to slip down further in the stands without being seen. From up where they sat, in what could only be called the nosebleeds, the players, getting ready, doing last minute practices, and last minute photo shoots, were tiny and barely distinguishable. Thank goodness for Junsu’s bright hair or else he’d have trouble picking him out of the crowd. Well. His hair. And that ass. 

“I can’t believe I’m actually excited for this,” Ji Yong said, scrolling through his phone. “I haven’t been to a soccer match in way too fucking long.” 

“You should be excited. Junsu’s here,” Seung Hyun said, before realizing Seungri was sitting next to them. “I mean. Our friend Junsu. He came to our concert, it’s only fair we go to his soccer game. It’s what Seungri himself said, right Seungri?” 

Seungri gave a little smile and rolled his eyes. “Sure thing.” He turned back to the crowd. “Tell me again why we have to sit way up here?” 

“We don’t want to be noticed.” Seung Hyun said. 

“Why?” 

“Rumors. Media.” 

“Why?”

“What do you mean, why?” Seung Hyun asked. 

“We’re not allowed to be friends with Junsu? Don’t the fans usually eat that shit up? With a big fat spoon?” 

“Because…” 

“Why would you not want people to know you’re friends with Junsu?” Seungri asked. “Are you embarrassed by him?” 

“No. Of course not.” 

“Are you afraid of what people think of you?”

“No.” Junsu. Junsu was the only one he thought of now. 

“Then, why are we up here again?”

Seung Hyun opened his mouth and closed it again, considering. He turned from Seungri, to where Junsu stood on the field, laughing with his teammates, waving wildly to the crowd, to the press who were there to cover the event. Junsu, who was basically his world right now. Junsu, who made him happier than he’d ever been. Junsu who was a little bit more delicate, a little bit more insecure than Seung Hyun had ever realized — involved as he was in his own feelings and thoughts. 

He stood up. “Let’s go.” 

Seungri hooted loudly and jumped up — even Ji Yong gave him an approving smile. Why shouldn’t he be loud and proud of his friendship with Junsu? He’d like to think they were, underneath the baggage of everything else, friends. Why should he let someone else determine who he should or not hang out with? He hadn’t before. Why start now? 

Boldly, he walked down the stairway, the others in tow. He could feel the eyes on him in the stadium. Could feel the stares, the photographs, the videos that were being filmed on cell phones. He held his head up proudly and made his way to the VIP area, the one Junsu had left him tickets for this morning but he hadn’t expected to actually use. Handing them over to the security guard, he found a few seats and sat down, throwing one leg over the other, stretching his elbow out over one of the empty seats, putting out an air of casual, telling everyone he belonged here and wasn’t going to shy away from anything. 

“When you do something…” Ji Yong laughed. 

“Shut your face. Cheer on your friend,” he snapped back, a little embarrassed. 

But when Junsu looked up from the field and their eyes caught and he watched as Junsu’s smile turned from bright to burn down the earth, his body reverberating with happiness (either that or the ungodly number of Americanos he’d undoubtedly consumed) he knew he’d made the right choice. Nudging Ji Yong, they held up their matching Junsu jerseys, clearly showing to the world who they were there to support. The watching crowd went wild. 

The day was bright and beautiful, the sun beaming down across the field, picking up the green of the grass, the blinding white of the uniforms, and the fading blue of Junsu’s hair. He wondered briefly what color he’d end up with next, as one never knew with Junsu. 

When all the ceremonial kickoffs, the greeting of the crowds, and the speeches were done, the game finally began. He, Ji Yong, and Seungri threw themselves into being FCMen fans. They cheered madly at each successful play, booed bad calls, and jumped when they scored a point. 

Junsu was magnificent. If Seung Hyun had thought he’d been impressive at the few practices he’d seen him in, it was nothing compared to Captain Xia Junsu fully in action. Bolting up and down the field, his firm, toned thighs flexing with every step, aggressively facing off with the other team, it was a sight to see that almost — almost — rivaled Junsu on stage. 

After a particularly stunning bad call by a ref who was obviously stupid and definitely blind, as Seung Hyun scanned the crowds, enjoying commiserating with those around him with ’can you believe this?’ looks, he caught the eye of a familiar woman down in the front row. 

Junsu’s mother. 

The smile slid off his face, and he stared back at her, a lovely picture in white, hair and makeup perfect. A perfect smile on her face. A perfect vision of a supportive mother. 

But as he was aware, it was just a vision. An illusion. 

Stiff, a politeness his own mother had drilled into him, he bowed his head low to her. It was Junsu’s mother — a mother, in spite of it all, he loved very much. Just like he couldn’t be rude to Junsu’s father, he had to be just as polite to Junsu’s mother — despite the fact that it made his teeth clench in irritation. 

Obviously, though, something slipped through his facade, and her own smile faded. They stared at each other and, suddenly, her eyes flared wide before narrowing, her lips pursed thin, and her head cocked, considering him, judging him — and whatever it was she saw there obviously made her angry. Her shoulders tightened, and Seung Hyun was fairly certain if there was such a thing as looks killing, then he would absolutely be dead. 

The crowd went wild, and Ji Yong and Seungri jumped to their feet, hauling Seung Hyun up by his arms along with them. Out on the field, FTMen were celebrating, running around the field, obviously having scored. He scanned the players, searching for Junsu’s blue head, and found him on the back of one of his teammates, legs wrapped around his waist, hanging on in celebration. 

Okay. On the one hand, he was happy for FTMen and ecstatic for Junsu who, apparently, assisted in a goal but, stupidly, he felt jealous seeing Junsu so close to another man. He chuckled to himself. He’d have to remember to tell Junsu that later. Seung Hyun was fairly certain it would delight his possessive boyfriend. 

Seung Hyun threw himself back into watching the game, into cheering on Junsu, and having a good time with his friends, eating popcorn, grilled squid on a stick, and drinking ridiculously overpriced beer, the moment with Junsu’s mother forgotten. 

When the game ended, he attempted to slip out of the stadium but, with everyone knowing they were there now, they were mobbed by fans. The three signed autographs and took pictures with fans until the crowd became overwhelming, and thankfully stadium security pushed their way through the screaming collection and managed to get them down the rest of the stairs and rushed underneath the stadium in the area that was only accessible to staff and players. 

“Who are you here to see?” one of the security guards asked them. 

“Oh. Xia Junsu,” Seung Hyun replied. He hadn’t expected an escorted tour directly to Junsu, but sometimes his luck just worked out. Now that they were safe from the crowds, the security guards deposited them with one of the staff and headed back to work. The young man, wearing a lanyard which proclaimed him to be event staff, led them towards the locker rooms. 

The place was a madhouse with celebrating teammates. Seungri bolted ahead of them and joined the fray, obviously already considering himself part of the team and thereby one of the winners. Seung Hyun scanned the room and found Junsu in the corner, untying his cleats. Slipping through the crowd and nodding to Junsu’s teammates — some he knew from the idol circuit, some he didn’t, but all were discreet enough not to freak out when they saw him — he made his way to Junsu, standing in front of him and taking in the sweat-drenched uniform, the heavy grass stains across the back from a spectacular slide, and the glow of a win. 

After he untied and slipped off both shoes, Junsu finally looked up and caught sight of Seung Hyun. 

“Hi! You made it!” he exclaimed. “I mean, I saw you. When I gave you the ticket, but I didn’t actually think…” 

“That I’d use it? Of course, I used it. Had to cheer you on, didn’t I?” 

“Thanks,” Junsu said. “I didn’t realize it, but, it meant a lot.” 

“No problem.” 

They stood there looking at each other, not sure what to say, not sure what they could say in a room filled with spectators. Certainly not what they wanted to say, what Seung Hyun found himself needing to say.

“So. What’s the plan?” Ji Yong asked from behind them. 

Seung Hyun shrugged. “We don’t really have one. I mean,” he looked at Junsu, “I mean we didn’t really talk about it.” 

After their plans for their weekend had been spectacularly ruined by both of their schedules, they were playing it by ear. He certainly hoped Junsu didn’t have another family dinner planned. Seung Hyun was pretty sure he didn’t have another one of those in him, not even for Junsu. 

“Well, I know you guys were planning on leaving tomorrow, but I have a friend who has a small airline here. Seungri was going to come with me, but he’s decided to go back with the rest of the team, so there’s room if you want to come with.” 

Seung Hyun glanced at Junsu, trying to gauge his reaction. “What do you think, Junsu? Your choice. I’m good either way.” 

Although he really, really, really hoped that Junsu chose to bail. 

Junsu thought about it, considering, chewing hard on his lip, anxiety clearly rising in his system. Seung Hyun stepped closer, close enough to whisper into Junsu’s ear, “Baby. Seriously, whatever you want, no pressure at all.” 

“Hey. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…” Ji Yong faded off. “I just thought I’d offer.” 

Seung Hyun shook his head at him. “No, it’s fine, don’t worry about it, we’ll just stay here.” 

He was suddenly worried he was putting Junsu in a bad place, asking him to choose between him and his parents. As much as he didn’t like them, he had no intention of putting Junsu in that position. 

“No, Ji Yong,” Junsu said, quiet but firm, “no, I’d like to take you up on your offer, thank you.” 

Seung Hyun turned back to Junsu and studied him. “Are you sure?” 

Junsu pasted a bright smile on his face and nodded. “Yes. I don’t know about you, but I’m ready to call this mini-break a spectacular failure and go home to my cats.” 

Seung Hyun nudged him with his hip, checking him playfully. “Not everything was a failure.” 

When Junsu’s eyes shot upwards, Seung Hyun gave him the raised eyebrow that never failed in flustering Junsu. As expected, Junsu’s cheeks turned pink, clashing delightfully with his hair. 

“No… not everything,” he stuttered out. 

Ji Yong looked at both of them, barely able to contain his laughter, “Ew.” 

**********

And an hour later, after a quick call to Junsu’s father with a tale of an emergency meeting for Seung Hyun, they managed to escape the island. His father agreed to send them their things and it only cost Seung Hyun the promise of an autograph of all the members and a name drop that it was Ji Yong they were flying back with. 

They sat in the plush seats of the tiny luxury plane, Ji Yong sitting a few rows up, nodding off, his heavy headphones covering his ears. Seung Hyun and Junsu sat in the very back, the hum of the motor vibrating their seats. Out of the sight of everyone, they clasped hands, Seung Hyun holding Junsu tight and secure. It wasn’t long before the rhythm of the plane, the whirl of the motors, the exhaustion from the game, and the toll the last few days had taken on him, and Junsu was drifting off, leaning closer and closer to Seung Hyun. With a quick look to the closed doors of the cockpit, Seung Hyun placed his hand on the side of Junsu’s head and gently guided him to his shoulder, where Junsu let out a sigh, allowed his eyes to close, and relaxed against him, fell fast asleep. 

One of these days, Seung Hyun promised him. One of these days, he’d take Junsu on a proper mini-break, one with no obligations, no demands, no fans, and absolutely no family. A redo. As the plane flew them back home to the safety and the sanity of Seoul, Seung Hyun flipped open his phone and began making plans. 


	45. More Plan, Less Scheme

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dating a busy idol is not easy — especially if you're a busy idol.

**From: Seung Hyun-ah **  
** **Sent: 11:52, June 1**  ** **  
** Why are we so busy?

 

**From: Junsu  
Sent: 11:55, June 1   
** Because we’re beautiful   
and amazing   
and top stars    
who everyone wants to see. 

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah  
Sent: 11:55, June 1   
** Oh   
Right

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah  
Sent: 11:56, June 1   
** will you have time for me this week?

 

**From: Junsu  
Sent: 11:56, June 1   
** Depends

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah  
Sent: 11:56, June 1   
** Depends?    
On what?

 

**From: Junsu  
Sent: 11:56, June 1   
** How good you are

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah  
Sent: 11:57, June 1   
** Pretty sure I’ve proven I’m very   
Very   
very    
Good   
And if you’ve forgotten, it really has been too long. 

 

**From: Junsu  
Sent: 12:03, June 1   
** I’m soorry. Who is this again?

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah  
Sent: 12:03, June 1   
** The guy    
who had his finger    
up your

 

**From: Junsu  
Sent: 12:03, June 1   
** SEUNGHYUN   
Gah. 

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah  
Sent: 12:03, June 1   
** ;)    
You free Saturday? 

 

**From: Junsu  
Sent: 12:04, June 1   
** No :’(   
Tuesday?

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah  
Sent: 12:04, June 1   
** Fuck.    
No.    
Thursday? 

 

**From: Junsu  
Sent: 12:04, June 1   
** Sigh

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah  
Sent: 12:05, June 1   
** Take that as a no.  
Nevermind, Thursday is bad for me too. 

 

**From: Junsu  
Sent: 12:08, June 1   
** Why did I have to agree to do this musical?    
It was a terrible idea.    
Horrible.    
Taking up valuable Seung Hyun time. 

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah  
Sent: 12:10, June 1   
** Because you love Death Note   
and your career is important to you?

 

**From: Junsu  
Sent: 12:12, June 1   
** I love that you know   
I love Death Note

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah  
Sent: 12:12, June 1   
** You made me watch like    
2 versions of it when I was sick. 

 

**From: Junsu  
Sent: 12:13, June 1   
** ….oh. Right.    
Well your education should be well rounded. 

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah  
Sent: 12:13, June 1   
** You’ll be great.    
I may or may not already have tickets   
for opening night

 

**From: Junsu  
Sent: 12:14, June 1   
** Really?   
  


**From: Seung Hyun-ah  
Sent: 12:15, June 1   
** Really, really?    
My   
hot  
talented boyfriend is the lead in a major musical   
of course I have tickets.    
I’ll bring flowers. 

 

**From: Junsu  
Sent: 12:15, June 1   
** I like flowers. 

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah  
Sent: 12:15, June 1   
** Then I’ll blow you in a conference room. 

 

**From: Junsu  
Sent: 12:16, June 1   
** *BLUSH*   
<3   
<3   
<3   
Well then.    
I’ll make sure my schedule is clear. 

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah  
Sent: 12:17, June 1   
** You do that.    
What about now? 

 

**From: Junsu  
Sent: 12:17, June 1   
** What do you mean what about now? 

 

 **From: Seung Hyun-ah  
Sent: 12:22, June 1   
**Your schedule.   
I’m supportive, but I don’t intend to wait until   
opening night to see you again. 

 

**From: Junsu  
Sent: 12:28, June 1   
** Heavens.    
Me neither.    
Let me take look. 

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah  
Sent: 12:28, June 1   
** Hey  
Did you get the package I sent?

 

**From: Junsu  
Sent: 12:29, June 1   
** What package?

 

**From: Junsu  
Sent: 12:33, June 1   
** What package????

 

**From: Junsu  
Sent: 12:35, June 1  
** HelllooooooooooooooooooOOOoo?

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah  
Sent: 12:36, June 1   
** Sent you something from the US   
Saw it. Made me think of you.    
Warning. It’s sappy as shit.    
i’m officially disgusted with myself.    
and you   
For turning me into this. 

 

**From: Junsu  
Sent: 12:36, June 1   
** NOOOO!   
When?    
WHat?   
Gimme gimme gimme

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah  
Sent: 12:39, June 1   
** says it was delivered yesterday. 

 

**From: Junsu  
Sent: 12:39, June 1   
** Haven’t been home in two days

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah  
Sent: 12:40, June 1   
** TWODAYS??   
Junsu   
Baby   
where have you been sleeping?

 

**From: Junsu  
Sent: 12:41, June 1   
** …...at the studio.    
Just so much to do. 

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah  
Sent: 12:42, June 1   
** You need to go home to sleep.    
Too tired to drive?    
CALLME   
I will come and get you

 

**From: Junsu  
Sent: 12:43, June 1   
** Awwww…   
Wait   
haven’t you been in the US  for the last two days?

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah  
Sent: 12:43, June 1   
** Okay then, call me   
I’ll send someone to come get you 

 

**From: Junsu  
Sent: 12:43, June 1   
** UR2Cute

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah  
Sent: 12:44, June 1   
** Srsly   
You need to take care of yourself

 

**From: Junsu  
Sent: 12:44, June 1   
** I am! 

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah  
Sent: 12:44, June 1   
** By sleeping on a couch in the studio?

 

**From: Junsu  
Sent: 12:45, June 1   
** wait.    
where exactly where you sleeping?   
When we first met????

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah  
Sent: 12:45, June 1   
** ……

 

**From: Junsu  
Sent: 12:45, June 1   
** Thought so

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah  
Sent: 12:45, June 1   
** Still.    
Call me.    
Please. 

 

**From: Junsu  
Sent: 12:50, June 1   
** maybe.    
here’s a shot in the dark.    
Wednesday?   
I could move some stuff around.    
Make myself free.    
You?

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah  
Sent: 12:52, June 1   
** I can move some stuff around.    
Make myself free. 

 

**From: Junsu  
Sent: 12:52, June 1   
** YAY!!!!!!   
<3 <3 <3 <3    
:) :) :)   
What do you want to do? 

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah  
Sent: 12:53, June 1 **   
………

 

**From: Junsu  
Sent: 12:53, June 1   
** Hahahaha   
Besides that

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah  
Sent: 12:54, June 1   
** Actually. I have a plan. 

 

**From: Junsu  
Sent: 12:54, June 1   
** A plan?   
  


**From: Seung Hyun-ah  
Sent: 12:54, June 1   
** A scheme. 

 

**From: Junsu  
Sent: 12:54, June 1   
** I like plans   
less thrilled about schemes

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah  
Sent: 1:15, June 1   
** More plan    
less scheme

 

**From: Junsu  
Sent: 1:17, June 1   
** Okay.    
Count me in.    
Can I know what this plan is? 

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah  
Sent: 1:17, June 1   
** Nope

 

**From: Junsu  
Sent: 1:17, June 1   
** Awwww come on   
not even a hint?

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah  
Sent: 1:17, June 1   
** Nope. 

 

**From: Junsu  
Sent: 1:17, June 1   
** A teeeenie one?

 

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah  
Sent: 1:17, June 1  
** Nope. 

 

**From: Junsu  
Sent: 1:17, June 1   
** Will I like it? 

 

**From: Junsu  
Sent: 1:20, June 1   
** ?

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah  
Sent: 1:20, June 1   
** Honestly, I don’t know.    
I hope so. 

 

**From: Junsu  
Sent: 1:20, June 1   
** Ooooh mystery! 

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah  
Sent: 1:23, June 1   
** Ugh   
Hate to say it

 

**From: Junsu  
Sent: 1:23, June 1   
** you hve to go? 

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah  
Sent: 1:23, June 1   
** Yeah. I’m being called. 

 

**From: Junsu  
Sent: 1:24, June 1   
** H’okay.    
I miss you. 

 

 **From: Seung Hyun-ah  
Sent: 1:24** **, June 1  
** I miss you too, baby.   
See you in a couple of days.   
Go home tonight. 

 

**From: Junsu  
Sent: 1:24, June 1   
** Okay. 

  **From: Seung Hyun-ah  
Sent: 1:24, June 1 ** **  
**Promise?

**From: Junsu  
Sent: 1:24, June 1   
** promise.    
now go out there and be awesome. 

 

**From: Seung Hyun-ah  
Sent: 1:24, June 1   
** Always. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks, thanks, thanks so much for the nice words of encouragement you gave me -- you guys really help me keep on keeping on. This chapter may seem like light and fluff, and it is--but set up is set up and things are brewing for our guys-- so enjoy it while you can. :) (Aka please forgive me for what I am about to do...)


	46. That Point Before Losing It All

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Junsu finally goes home expecting to sleep and some kitty snuggles, but what he gets instead will shake him hard.

Junsu was surprised to find himself without a schedule that afternoon. Someone might be irritated with a reporter canceling out on them, but Junsu was thrilled. It had been too long since his butt was in his own bed. He contemplated stopping by the pet shop to pick up a surprise for the boys, as he was fairly certain he was about to walk into a pack of irritated cats, but he didn’t want to take the time. 

Bed. 

Bed. 

Bed. 

The promotions, on top of all of the rehearsals for “Death Note,” were taking a lot out of him. He was about ready to just start mainlining Americanos in an effort to keep him upright and perky. He was tired and — despite the fact that he was used to such a schedule —  this time the demands on his time pulled at him. 

Because this time he had Seung Hyun. 

He’d be in a meeting with the the lawyers or management and Seung Hyun would pop into his head. He’d be in the middle of a line read with full orchestra and, whoops, there he would be. It wasn’t as though he didn’t want to be doing what he was doing. Seung Hyun was right, he loved “Death Note” and was thrilled and honored when they offered the part to him. He was excited to play the part of L.

And yet, at the same time… he missed Seung Hyun with a wistful ache in his stomach. 

The car zipped through the streets of Seoul, silent and expensive, and he remained ever thankful that he had the means to hire a full time driver. He closed his eyes and leaned his head against the glass and silently wished for the time to go by quickly. 

_ Thinking about Seung Hyun would do the trick, _ he thought with a smile. 

He wondered what it was that Seung Hyun had sent to him. Sappy, huh? He couldn’t wait to see what Seung Hyun considered sappy, figuring what he considered sappy was probably legions away from Seung Hyun — his stoic and manly boyfriend. 

Of course, there was also that goofball side of Seung Hyun that he sometimes let slip out when he felt uncomfortable in the spotlight. So, who knew what it could be. Just barely, Junsu managed to refrain from urging the driver along faster, knowing the man was getting him there just as quickly as possible. 

He looked down at his phone and scrolled through their texts. Their, now near constant, stream of texts. Since they’d gotten back from Jeju, it was as if Seun Hyun felt the need to make his presence known, to make Junsu feel secure and attended to. Or as much as he could, for a man who had a schedule possibly even busier than his own, one that seemed determined to keep them apart — to the point where they’d only managed to get together once in the almost two weeks since they’d been back — and that was for a measly breakfast. Not even a post-sleepover breakfast either, just a breakfast once Seung Hyun landed from his overseas concert and before Junsu had rehearsal. 

Junsu itched to be near him, to touch him, to hear him speak, just to look at him. Thursday, he reminded himself, Thursday. That reminded him, and he shot off a quick email to his manager, telling him to reschedule the two meetings he had that day. Mangement was going to complain, but Junsu didn’t care, Seung Hyun came first.

Not soon enough, the car slid to a stop in front of his building. Thanking the driver, he climbed out of the car and walked into his building, shuffling his feet as his body, realizing just how close he was to bed, decided to give up to exhaustion. The last few weeks had taken a lot more out of him than he’d like to admit, between the disaster that was Jeju and his non-stop schedule — a schedule he’d admittedly thrown himself into since getting back. 

He adjusted the sunglasses up his nose, making sure his face mask was in place. Normally, he prided himself on not being one of those standoffish stars, on being a good neighbor, a good citizen, but today? He just wanted to be back home, back in his bed, back with his cats. 

Now, he regretted the lack of bribes for his babies. They were not going to be pleased with him. 

On his floor, he unlocked his door and, with a sigh, eased himself inside and tugged off his shoes, so tired he couldn’t even bear to bring himself to care that he’d just left them where they lay. He’d get them later, he promised himself, later, after he’d slept for like a million years. 

Or for six hours, as really that was all he had before his schedule started again. 

“LEO! Tigger! Leon!” he called out, waiting for the usual scamper of feet to come his way. Troubled, he was met with only silence. Ouch. They must really be mad at him to be giving the silent treatment. Usually, that was only used after long tours and there was generally one or two who caved and wandered over. He’d only been gone two nights. 

“Bakira? Hello, babies!” He called out. 

“Pard, kitty, where are you?” 

“Junsu.” 

He froze at the low, cool tones of his mother, his stomach clenching. He should have known. He kicked himself. He should have been smart enough to realize that slipping away, having his father send him his things was not going to deter his mother. He should have known, rather than being relieved when he hadn’t heard from her since getting home, that she was just biding her time. 

Taking a deep breath, he walked into the living room to see his mother rigidly sitting in the large armchair in the corner of the room, her face set, reminding him of some Joseon-era queen. He forced a smile onto his face and rushed over. 

“Omma!” he said. 

“Junsu.” 

“What are you doing here?” he asked and perched gingerly on the edge of the couch nearest her. “Why didn’t you tell me you were coming, I would have planned for you to visit me at rehearsal.” 

“You don’t think I want to to have this conversation where anyone could overhear us, do you, Junsu?” she asked, cocking her head slightly. 

“Umm… no?” he asked, trying hard to keep the smile on his face.  

“Don’t play stupid Kim Junsu. You know why I’m here.” 

“I… I’m sorry for not being able to say goodbye to you, something just came up unex—” 

She held up a hand to him, cutting him off. “Do you think I’m the stupid one, Junsu? Do you think I wouldn’t figure out what was going on?”

Junsu’s heart leapt in his chest, pounding against his ribs painfully, to the point where he had to mentally restrain himself from rubbing his hand over it. She knew, he realized, of course she knew, and she was mad, and it was all his fault. 

“I…” he didn’t know what to say. Should he apologize? He felt like he should apologize. The perpetual apology was ingrained in him, was his go to answer, was the thing that could usually make everything better. But though everything inside him screamed otherwise, he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t form the words, couldn’t make himself apologize, couldn’t apologize for Seung Hyun, for himself, for who he was. 

“You know, I actually thought it was some… girl?” she said. “I thought some girl had got her claws into you, but this? Who knew the truth would be so much worse?” 

“I…” Without the apology, he didn’t know what else to say. His mind spun as he tried to keep up with her words, with their meanings, tried to think of something to say that would make everything okay. 

“A man? You allowed yourself to be taken in by some man?” 

He had to speak then, had to stand up for Seung Hyun. “He didn’t take me in.” 

She sneered, “Of course he did. You allowed yourself to be seduced by some… disgusting creature. Allowed yourself to be tainted. Allowed yourself to bring shame on yourself. On your  _ family _ .” 

His stomach clenched harder, and he could feel the bile rise in the back of his throat. “I didn’t shame you.” He pushed hard, forcing himself to speak and, even then, the words were only a whisper. 

“What do you think will happen when this gets out, Junsu? It took me only a week to figure it out. After finding that… mark on your neck, things fell right into place. The remarks your brother made at dinner that night, the looks from… that man at the soccer match, and now?” She bent down and picked up an opened, plastic shopping bag. “Now this?” 

She pulled some black fabric out of the bag and threw them over, where they landed on Junsu’s lap. He caught them before they slid to the ground. With shaking hands, he unfolded what turned out to be matching black t-shirts with some English words he couldn’t read boxed in by a line made from a rainbow. Couple shirts? Seung Hyun had bought them couple shirts? Something he swore was tacky and that he’d never do? That Seung Hyun?

He ran his hand over the soft fabric, imagining Seung Hyun, embarrassed, buying the cheap shirts, trying to avoid the smirks of his bandmates. 

“Baby.” Junsu jerked his eyes away from the shirts and back at his mother as she read from a small piece of paper in her hand. “Yes, I caved on the fucking couple t-shirts. Let’s just say you owe me big. I’ll expect payment when I see you again.” 

“Exactly what sort of payment is he looking for, Junsu?” his mother asked, balling up the note and throwing it at him. The paper hit his shoulder and bounced to the floor. “What have you done, Junsu? How could you do this to the family? To  _ me _ ? I did not raise you like this. ” 

Junsu winced and plucked up the crumpled paper from where it landed on the floor. The words that he would have taken such pleasure in, the note he probably would have kept in his top secret, Seung Hyun memory box, something that showed just how far they’d come, was tainted. Was made to look dirty and silly.  _ He  _ was dirty and silly. 

But he wouldn’t let Seung Hyun be painted that way. 

“I love him,” he whispered, pleading with her to listen, to understand, to make everything okay. 

“You what?” she said, drawing backwards, away from him. 

“I love him.” 

“No you don’t,” she said. “You’re Xiah Junsu, you are not a homosexual.” 

Bowing his head, he couldn’t look at her. It was what he’d feared all his life, ever since that first moment he realized he was different from all the other boys, from the moment when he realized what he felt was not allowed. Was not normal. He tried so hard. He tried to like girls, tried to suppress what his body, his mind, wanted, but it had only sunk him into a deep depression he hadn’t thought he’d ever crawl out of — until Yoochun and Jaejoong accepted him. 

“I’m sorry, Omma,” he said. “I’m sorry, but I’m gay.” 

“No you’re not,” she said firmly. “You’ve simply been led astray. Led astray by that man.” 

“No,” his voice was quiet but firm. “No, I was gay before I met Seung Hyun. It’s just… part of who I am.” 

“It’s that influence from all those foreigners you’ve come in contact with!” she sputtered, shaking her head, her usual calm, cool composure shattered, broken like the chipping pieces of his heart.

“I was eight when I realized,” he choked out the secret. “When I knew I was gay.” 

“So you’re saying this is my fault?” 

“No!” he exclaimed. “It just… is.” 

Her face crumpled, and she began to cry. “It can’t be… you’re… my perfect boy.” 

“I’m sorry, Omma. I’m sorry.” Reaching out, he grasped her hand only to have her yank it away from him. 

“Don’t touch me!” she said.

His heart shattered, and he slid off the couch to his knees. 

“Have you even thought about what this will do to us when this gets out, Junsu? What this will do to your fans? To Toscana? To your family? Because of this… thing, you are going to destroy everything. And you are going to take everything you love down with you.” 

“I don’t… I didn’t” He was crying so hard he couldn’t make the words come out, couldn’t form thoughts, couldn’t get past the pain that was eating him from the inside out. 

“No. You  _ didn’t  _ think. Well. Think about this. Your career will be ruined. Toscana will be ruined. Your brother’s career will be ruined. And what about JYJ? Yoochun? Jaejoong? You will single-handedly destroy everything  _ everyone  _ you love has worked for.” 

He shook his head the words just pounding into him. 

“And this… man. Do you think he will come out unscathed? Do you think he’ll really stay with you when it comes out? His career will be ruined. His band and bandmates will be ruined. Because you were stupid and selfish and disgusting.

“And what about your father and I?” Her tone turned from angry to low and pleading. “We’ll be laughingstocks. Worse than that, we’ll be the mockery of this country. Everywhere we go, we’ll be looked down upon and ridiculed. What will we have then? Nothing. After we gave up everything for you, to get you where you are today. Do I deserve that? Does your father deserve that?” 

He could hear the tears in his mother’s voice, and he looked up to see her wipe delicately at the moisture from her face. Though she tried hard to hide it, he could see the age on her face. See it in the path that tears fell. She had. She and his father had done everything to put him where he was today. To make sure he was successful. And he’d done nothing but hurt her. Junsu pictured his father’s face when she told him, the disappointment. The disgust. Pictured them walking through town, everyone pointing and talking about their freak of a son. 

Junsu cried harder, his shoulders shaking, slumping his head forward, not waiting to see the pain he’d caused her. He felt his mother come over to the couch and perch on the edge of the cushion, placing her hand on his shoulder. “If you love us, you’ll stop this. If you have any conscience at all, you’ll break up with him. Go back to being the lovely and beautiful man everyone loves, that I love. Because this Junsu?” Her fingers squeezed his shoulder. “No one will love this Junsu.”

No one will love this Junsu. 

The words reverberated in his head, echoed louder and louder until it filled his body, filled the room, pounding him with its cruelty. With its air of truth. 

“I know you’ll do the right thing, Junsu. You always do. You’re my bright and good boy. This is just a phase. An… aberration. I know, I know you’ll come back to me.” 

The right thing. 

He wasn’t even sure what that was anymore. 

“Now. As you can obviously no longer be trusted living on your own, I expect for you to come home with me.” 

Jerking his head up he stared at her. “What?”

She tucked the handkerchief into her handbag and clicked it closed with purpose. 

“Living on your own was a privilege. I feel that you will best recover from this… situation you’ve found yourself in by coming home and being with your family. That way we can watch over you, guide you, make sure something like this never happens again.” 

“I don’t… I can’t move back home. I live here, my cats are here.” 

“I’ve already moved your cats home, Junsu,” she said. 

“What?” 

He looked around. He should have known something was happening when he hadn’t seen a single cat around in the entire time he’d been home. The place was cold and quiet. Now, he noticed a stack of his suitcases next to the doorway to his bedroom. 

“Obviously, as you can’t even take care of yourself, you certainly can’t take care of those cats. I mean, Junsu, I collected them yesterday, and you just noticed now they were gone? That is not very responsible of you. Just another sign that your mind just simply isn’t in the right place right now.” 

His babies had been gone since yesterday? “I had the doorman…” Since yesterday? 

“The answer is simple enough, Junsu. Come home. Be with your family. Your pets. Allow us to fix you. Or stay here and bear the consequences. Alone.”

 


	47. Close Encounters of the Familial Kind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seung Hyun is ready to put his plan (scheme) in play, but will it be enough to reach Junsu?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know these last chapters have been rough, so, in case you missed it yesterday, I put up a little drabble to put in out a little TOPSU happiness and light.

Seung Hyun tapped his fingers against his steering wheel. Something was wrong with Junsu. He could feel it. He looked over to where Junsu sat rigid and tight in the passenger seat next to him. His skin so pale Seung Hyun would swear he could see the contrast of the blue of his veins. His lips red and painfully chapped. The circles under his eyes dark and pronounced. 

Brittle. 

The last few days, Junsu had been vague and distant. Once again, Seung Hyun cursed their busy schedules, forcing them apart, allowing whatever was in Junsu’s head to take root. 

He hoped this plan of Jiyong’s worked. At the time, it had seemed brilliant, but then again at the time he’d been pretty drunk — and everything seemed like a good idea when he was drunk. 

Reaching out, he grasped Junsu’s cold hand in his. “Junsu, baby, you okay?”

Junsu turned and gave him a faint, weary smile. “Just tired. This schedule is a little bit much for me.”

“Are you still sleeping at the office?” he asked concerned. 

Junsu stiffened and shook his head, an odd expression on his face. “No. I’m not sleeping at the office.” 

“Good.” 

The conversation dropped to an uncomfortable silence. Unsure of what to do, but needing to do something, Seung Hyun lifted Junsu’s hand and kissed his fingers, each one. 

“I missed you,” he said simply, going for the plain truth. 

Finally, for the first time since he’d picked him up at the studio where they were doing rehearsals for Death Note, Junsu gave him a real smile. 

“I missed you, too,” he said. 

Satisfied for the moment, Seung Hyun turned back to the road, zipping through Seoul as quickly as the traffic congestion would let him, meaning not fast at all. 

“Still not going to tell me where we’re going?” Junsu said. “It’s not like I can back out now.” 

“Traffic is slow,” Seung Hyun said. “I’m guessing you could jump out of the car pretty easily.” 

“Is it that bad?” Junsu asked and then sighed, weary. “Seung Hyun, I’m pretty tired…” 

“I’m teasing. I think you’ll like it,” Seung Hyun said, trying to reassure him, or trying to reassure himself. 

“Okay.” 

A few minutes later, they eased up to the swanky apartment complex in one of the nice areas just outside of Gangnam. Seung Hyun easily parked the car and, after a fixing a mask onto both of their faces and taking a moment to smooth Junsu’s hair back behind his ear, led him up through the building to one of the high floors. 

“Did you buy a new property?”Junsu asked, taking in the plush carpeting, the ornate hallway. “It’s nice.” 

“You’re the real estate mogul in this relationship, Junsu. I’m the…” 

“Hoarder?” Junsu teased lightly, and a little bit of the weight slipped from Seung Hyun. 

“Hey! I don’t hoard,” Seung Hyun protested with a  laugh. “I’m a collector.”

“Pretty sure that's what all the hoarders say.” 

He stopped in front of one of the doors and knocked briskly. 

“Brace yourself,” he said, before typing in the code and opening the door, pulling Junsu in with him. 

The entryway was bright and just as ornate as the hallway. Seung Hyun breathed in deeply, the warm and spicy scents of his favorite kimchi jjigae permeating the air, making his stomach rumble. Mentally, he apologized to  Hwangsabu  for the damage he was about to do to his diet. 

Footsteps thundered their way, and he hurriedly pulled off his shoes, gesturing for a bewildered Junsu to do the same, tossing them aside in preparation for the tornado that was about to come their way. 

“UNCLE SEUNG HYUN!” the pint-sized voice screeched through the apartment, announcing his nephew’s presence even before the boy could be heard.

Crouching down, he waited and braced himself. Sure enough, a few seconds later, Yeon Jun barreled around the corner wearing only a pair of Superman underpants, running as fast as his little feet would carry him before he launched himself into Seung Hyun’s arms, wriggling and wet, fresh from a bath. For a moment, Seung Hyun closed his eyes, breathing in the warm baby, all talcum powder and young boy. He cursed his schedule for another reason, it had been too long since he’d been here last — almost a month, he realized. 

“Uncle! I missed you!” Yeon Jun said hugging him back. “You’ve been gone foreeeever.” 

“Sorry about that, buddy. I won’t do it again,” he promised. “Why are you in your underpants?” 

“Somebody got into Mommy’s makeup table.” 

Seung Hyun looked up to see his sister, Hye Youn, smiling down at him, exasperated.

“I swear, I look away for a single minute and he’s wreaking havoc everywhere.” 

“What’s hav-ok, Mommy?” Yeon Jun asked. 

“You are havoc, Yeon Jun-ah.” 

Yeon Jun turned to Seung Hyun. “I’m hav-ok.” 

“It’s okay buddy,” Seung Hyun said, “so is my friend Junsu.” 

He scooped Yeon Jun up and stood up from his crouch, studying a shocked and frozen Junsu. Well. At least this was a better sort of frozen than the other Junsu in the car. “Junsu, this is my nephew, Yeon Jun, and my sister, Hye Youn.” 

“I remember a day when I used to get top billing,” his sister sighed. 

“Your own fault for foisting this thing on the world,” he joked. “Yeon Jun-ah, this is my friend Junsu.” 

Suddenly shy, Yeon Jun buried his face into Seung Hyun’s neck and, not for the first time, Seung Hyun lost his heart to this little boy. He kicked himself for staying away for so long and promised himself that at least once a month he’d make time to see his family. 

“Yeon Jun, is this how you greet people?” Seung Hyun chided softly into the boy’s ear. “Show Junsu what a big boy you are.” 

Pulling away, but keeping a tight hold onto Seung Hyun’s shirt, Yeon Jun bowed politely to Junsu. “Hello, Uncle’s friend, nice to meet you,” he mumbled and then promptly hid his face again. 

Seung Hyun watched Junsu to see his reaction, knowing it was only a matter of time before Junsu caved to the impossible cuteness that was his nephew. Not only because he knew Junsu and his love of all things cute and… well, his love of all things, but he’d yet to see anyone not succumb. 

“Yeon Jun, it’s nice to meet you.” 

“Kim Junsu-shi,” Hyeyoun said. “I’m so excited to meet you, I’m such a huge fan, I have been for years.” 

Junsu blushed prettily and ducked his head, smiling. “Thank you, please call me Junsu.” 

His sister’s eyes lit up. “Call you Junsu? Seung Hyun. Xia Junsu just told me to call him Junsu. Have I mentioned you’re the best brother ever?” 

“Actually, no, you never have,” he said, moving Yeon Jun to one arm and reaching out to tuck his sister under the other one. “I considered it an obvious oversight.” 

“Well. You’ve never brought home Xia Junsu before, have you?” she teased. 

“True. Mom here?” 

“You don’t think she’d miss this, did you? Plus. Kimchi jjigae.” 

“I was just thinking it couldn’t be you cooking, it doesn’t smell burned.” 

Playfully, she punched him in the side. “Come on, Yeon Jun,” she said, “let’s go finish getting dressed and let your uncle introduce his friend to Grandma.”

Yeon Jun said mutinously, “I don’t want to get dressed.” 

“Do you want to have dinner with your uncle?” 

He pouted, his fat little lip pushing outwards. “Yes.” 

“Well then, you need to get dressed.” 

“NO!” he said. Seung Hyun could sense the beginnings of a tantrum coming on and bent down and set his nephew on the floor. Where he instantly put his hands on his round little hips, the very picture of toddler ire. 

He looked up at Junsu. “I’m wearing underwear!” he said mutinously as if daring him to object.

Junsu tried to bite back the smile from his face. “I see that. Me too.” 

“ _ Mine _ have Superman on them.” 

“Your underpants are way cooler than mine,” Junsu said. 

“Your underpants don’t have Superman on them?” he asked, obviously feeling pity for the newcomer. 

“Nope, no Superman,” Junsu said, sadly. “I don’t think they make Superman underpants for old people.” 

“I’m sorry, Junsu-shi,” he said before turning to Seung Hyun. “Uncle Seung Hyun will buy you some. Uncle Seung Hyun! Buy Junsu-shi some Superman underpants!” 

“I’ll get right on that,” Seung Hyun laughed, tousling the hair on the top of his nephew's head fondly. 

Yeon Jun nodded seriously back at Junsu. “Uncle Seung Hyun will get them for you.” 

“Come on, Yeon Jun-ah, let’s go get dressed so Uncle Seung Hyun can introduce his friend.” 

With a big put-upon sigh, Yeon Jun gave up and reached for Junsu’s hand. “I have to go get dressed. Want to come with me? I’ll show you my room.” 

Junsu looked from Seung Hyun back to his nephew, lost at what to do. “Umm… sure.” 

He tugged Junsu away, marching towards the hallway that led to the bedrooms. “Don’t worry Mommy, Junsu-shi will help me get dressed.” 

“Junsu-shi? I laid some clothes out for him on his dresser,” Seung Hyun’s sister called out to them before turning to him. 

“Xia Junsu is going to dress my kid," she said, yanking on his shirt sleeve. 

“T.O.P dresses your kid all the time,” he said, wriggling his eyebrows. 

“Yeah. Somehow not quite as impressive. Would it be weird if I followed? Took pictures? Basked in his presence?” 

“Yeah. Weird. Knock it off.” 

“When you said you were bringing your friend, Junsu, I had no idea you meant  _ the  _ Junsu. Maybe next time, you’d give me a little notice,” she said, pulling a compact out of the pocket of the apron she wore snug across her dress. “And I look like shit. Thanks so much.” 

“No problem.” From a distance, he heard his mother call out to him. 

He ducked his head and lowered his voice. “You told her?” he asked. 

“That you were bringing one of your loser friends over? Yeah. Now if I’d know it was Junsu, maybe I would have been nicer.” 

“He’s just,” Seung Hyun looked back towards the bedroom where he could hear Yeon Jun chatting animatedly to Junsu, “he’s kind of going through a hard time right now and…” 

She studied her brother, and he flushed but kept her gaze. His sister may be a pain in his ass, may be, apparently, a full-on Junsu fangirl, but she was a good person and, even more surprisingly, a good mother. Though the idea of the night had originally been to try and help Junsu, suddenly he realized what Junsu had been trying to do by introducing him to his family. No, he wasn’t ready to come out to his family, but he wanted them to know that Junsu was an important part of his life, to include them and make a connection between them. Eventually, he would tell them the truth about Junsu. Eventually, they would let them in. And he wanted to point to this moment, this beginning, and show them that Junsu was a good person, that he made Seung Hyun happier than he probably deserved. 

“Got it, kid,” his sister said. 

“Why don’t you go to Junsu, and I’ll tell Mom you’ll be there in a minute.” 

Nodding his thanks, he quietly followed the sound of Yeon Jun and Junsu’s voices, stopping as he reached the doorway. The room was decorated completely in a Pororo theme, bright blues, and yellows. Junsu kneeled in front of Yeon Jun by the dresser, trying to tug a t-shirt over the excited boy’s head as Yeon Jun pointed out some of the various important points of his room. Junsu listened raptly, making appropriate responses when the boy would let him get a word in edgewise, while gently pulling the shirt down and slipping one arm into a sleeve and then the other. 

He knew Junsu loved kids just as much as he did, with some of the charity work he did, by the pictures he proudly showed off of him with some of his staff’s children. However, seeing Junsu meltdown before his own nephew, becoming the putty Seung Hyun knew he would, turned his own insides into a soft mess.

After talking Yeon Jun into a pair of pants, Junsu glanced up and caught Seung Hyun watching him. He blushed a pretty pink and smiled sweetly. Oh yeah, Seung Hyun was in trouble. Serious trouble. 

He leaned against the frame, resting his head against the wood, taking the two of them in. Taking Junsu in. Willing whatever had hold of Junsu to let go. Willing Junsu to understand what he was doing here. What it meant. For Junsu. For Seung Hyun. 

Yeon Jun realized, as children have an innate ability to do, that he was no longer the center of attention and followed Junsu’s gaze to Seung Hyun. 

“Uncle Seung Hyun! I’m dressed now. Junsu-shi dressed me.” 

“Did he?” Seung Hyun asked. 

“Yep. We’re gonna play trucks after dinner. You want to play trucks with us?” he asked. 

“Sure, kid.” 

Junsu buttoned the button on the tiny boy pants and smiled back down at Yeon Jun. “All set!” 

“Good. I guess.” He pouted again. “Why can’t I just wear underpants?” 

“Because everyone else will be jealous,” Junsu said, tugging the t-shirt down over the waistband of his jeans. 

“Are you jealous?” he asked. 

“Yep,” Junsu said. “I hope Uncle Seung Hyun finds me a pair soon.” 

The two grinned at each other, making Seung Hyun chuckle. “Come on Yeon Jun. You want to introduce Junsu to Grandmom?” 

“YES!” Yeon Jun pumped his little arm in excitement. “Come on, Junsu-shi!” 

Grabbing Junsu’s hand once again, he tugged him, determinedly, towards the door. When he passed Seung Hyun, he looked up. “I like Junsu-shi, Uncle Seung Hyun.” 

Seung Hyun cocked his head and caught the eye of a once again nervous Junsu and lifted one side of his mouth in a half smile. 

“So do I, Yeon Jun-ah, so do I.”


	48. He's Loved.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the midst of emotional upheaval, a conflicted Junsu allows himself to be charmed by Seung Hyun's family.

Junsu looked at the tiny little fingers that circled his own. The fingers that pulled him determinedly down the hallway towards the room where Seung Hyun’s mother awaited him. The panic he’d tried so hard holding in, tried so hard to keep from Seung Hyun these last few days, threatened to bubble up and over — swamping him again. The acid in his stomach burning as it clenched. 

He wasn’t sure how he’d managed through the last few days. He certainly wasn’t sure how he’d managed to escape the grip his own mother had on him for these few hours. Since moving back home, she’d watched his every movement, gone to every appointment, attended every rehearsal. He could swear he’d heard her even doing bed check as he lay there willing sleep to come. 

But just as sleep refused to come, his mother refused to let him be. 

He’d barely managed to keep his cell phone — but as she stared him down every time he picked it up, he barely felt the urge to contact Seung Hyun, leaving his texts sitting there, unresponded to, like heavy balloons on his conscious. 

His one saving grace was the fact that she had decided to keep the information she had of him and Seung Hyun from his father — deciding that now that it was ‘over’ there was no need to distress him. She glossed over Junsu’s return to the family home with essentially the same excuse — he was too busy to take care of himself and decided to come home for the duration — her eyes daring Junsu to contradict her. He lived in fear that she might change her mind, that she’d out him to his father, that he’d have to see that look of shock, of disappointment, of disgust, in his father’s eyes. 

Junsu was certain his heart couldn’t withstand another hit. 

Before Yeon Jun was able to drag him through the doorway Junsu froze in place, unable to make those last few steps. Giving up, Yeon Jun released Junsu’s fingers and raced into the living room, eagerly shouting at his grandmother about his new friend Junsu. 

A warm hand reached him, rubbing at the small of his back bringing him both comfort and pain. The last few days, he’d done everything his mother had requested of him, everything but break up with Seung Hyun. No matter the looks she gave him, her sobbing pleas when no one else was around, the silent recrimination, he couldn’t make himself do what she demanded of him. 

“Junsu.” He shivered at the warm word whispered into his ear. God, he’d missed Seung Hyun so much these last weeks, these last days, his body ached for him, ached to be near him, to smell him, to hear him speak. He wasn’t sure why he hadn’t gone to Seung Hyun. Told him what was going on. Part of him knew Seung Hyun should know, needed to know, and that keeping it from him would hurt him — but he just… couldn’t. Whenever he opened up a chat, or went to dial his phone, or thought about just running away to him he wasn’t sure what to say. Couldn’t _not_ make it awful. 

“What’s wrong?” Seung Hyun whispered again, but Junsu just shook his head, blinking back the tears in his eyes. 

“Baby. I’m sorry. It was a bad idea. I just thought… well… forget what I thought. We can just make our excuses and go. We can… fuck, we’ll do whatever you want. 

He reached back and placed his fingers in Seung Hyun’s, feeling the warmth pressing Seung Hyun’s fingers firmly into his back — the touch burning away the haze of his mind. 

“It’s okay,” he said. “I’m glad… I’m glad you want me to meet your family.” 

Giving himself another moment, he braced himself and stepped through the doorway. 

An older woman, who Junsu could now say was a female carbon copy of Seung Hyun, sat on an ornate couch and listened animatedly to whatever Yeon Jun had to say, delight clearly written all over her face. As Junsu entered into the light, she looked up at him and smiled hello. 

“So you’re the friend Seung Hyun-ah has told us so much about,” his mother said politely.

He bowed deeply to them. “Hello, I’m Kim Junsu.” 

“Such manners!” she exclaimed. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t bring something,” he said, apologetic. “I didn’t know I was coming.” 

He wrinkled his nose and shot a look at Seung Hyun, who at least had the grace to look sheepish. At least he’d thought ahead and stashed a change clothes in his dressing room so that after rehearsal he’d had something presentable to dress in. He was even more thankful that they weren’t something that screamed fuckboy. 

“Seung Hyun-ah explained how busy you were, Junsu-shi,” his mother said, patting the seat next to her. “He wanted to make sure we gave you a nice, relaxing evening.” 

Throwing another look over his shoulder, he caught Seung Hyun’s smile of encouragement, the warmth and worry in his eyes melting the ball of anxiety sitting in his stomach just a little bit more. With a nod, he picked his way around the toy-strewn living room and perched himself next to Seung Hyun’s mother. 

She smelled like flowers. Like spring days on Jeju. 

“So, Junsu, you’re an idol like our Seung Hyun?” 

Junsu couldn’t help but smile. “I don’t think there is anyone like your Seung Hyun.”

Her eyes twinkled, they actually twinkled as she laughed at him before turning to beam at her son. “No. There is no one quite like my Seung Hyun-ah,” she said. 

And he fell a little bit in love. 

“Grandma! Grandma! Grandma!” Yeon Jun came running in through another door. “Mom said dinner is almost done. And she said Junsu could sit next to me!” 

“Hey!” Seung Hyun said, snatching up Yeon Jun as he ran by him, bringing him up to face level. “Are you trying to steal Junsu from me?” 

“He’s my Junsu!” Yeon Jun screeched in laughter as Seung Hyun set to tickling him. 

“Pretty sure he’s my Junsu,” Seung Hyun said, flipping the small boy over until his head hung below, and he laughed even harder. 

“My Junsu!” 

“Sorry, loves.” Hye Youn came in from the other room, pulling off her apron. “I’ve been a fan way longer than either of you, Xia Junsu is sitting next to me.” 

The power of the mom vote had Junsu settled at the large dining room table next to Hye Youn with Seung Hyun’s mom at the head and Seung Hyun and Yeon Jun on the other side, wearing matching pouts. The table was filled with a large spread of homey food and, as Junsu noted many of his favorite banchan in the mix, he snuck a glance at Seung Hyun, with a sneaky suspicion he knew how those particular dishes got there. 

The jjigae smelled amazing and, for this first time in days, Junsu actually felt his stomach growl, felt something besides the anxiety gnaw at him. He was hungry. Barely able to hold himself back, he picked up his spoon and plowed in. As the first tastes hit his tongue, he closed his eyes and just managed to refrain from moaning aloud. The jjigae was so hot it burned a path down his throat, its spices earthy and perfect. 

“You like my jjigae?” Seung Hyun’s mother asked him with a teasing smile. 

She caught him just as he was shoveling another mouthful into his face. Embarrassed, he blushed and ducked his head. “Yes, ma’am, it’s delicious.” 

“It’s my Seung Hyun-ah’s favorite,” she said, proudly looking at her son, who sat there watching Junsu with a concerned look, making Junsu duck his head further, putting down the spoon and swallowing hard. 

“I can see why,” he said. 

“It’s my favorite too, Grandma. See?” Yeon Jun piped up, digging his tiny, plastic Pororo spoon into his matching bowl and shoving it into his mouth, grinning around the spoon. 

“Oh, that’s my good little boy,” she said. “He eats so well.” 

Seung Hyun patted Yeon Jun on the head as he dipped his chopsticks into the baked hobak and placed it in Yeon Jun’s dish. 

“I thought this was your favorite?” he asked. 

“It’s my other favorite!” 

The table laughed. 

Junsu looked around the room, taking in the cozy lived in space, with its high-quality furniture and expensive pieces but also what had to be Yeon Jun artwork taped to the wall. There were pictures of BigBang, of Yeon Jun, of Seung Hyun and his sister growing up, pictures Junsu ached to get a closer look at. Seung Hyun never really talked much about his family, but whenever he did, Junsu could just feel the love he had for them in his words. 

Turning his head a bit, he snuck a look at Seung Hyun, only to find the man in question staring at him with that perpetual look of concern on his face. Junsu managed to send him a smile that wasn’t fake. God, he loved this man. He loved him so much that time away from him hurt almost like a physical thing. He studied the beautifully sculpted face, the perfectly styled hair, combed and swirled just liked Junsu loved it best. He still had trouble wrapping his mind around the fact that the man who he’d admired, idolized, lusted after, had embarrassingly out-and-out loved for so long, was sitting in front of him. Cared enough to introduce him to his family. 

_ He cared.  _

It was more than Junsu had ever dreamed of. More than he ever expected. Or deserved. He swallowed hard, wishing he could be next to him, could touch him. He thought that everything would all be okay if he could just be in Seung Hyun’s arms. Sure he’d protect Junsu from anything. Sure if he just told him what was going on, what he was facing, Seung Hyun would scoop him up and take him away. Make everything better. If only Junsu would ask. 

Junsu jumped as something touched his foot, settling down only when he realized it was Seung Hyun, foot slipped out of the slipper, rubbing his bare toes along the top of Junsu’s foot. Circled, circled, the tiny little rubs further unknotting the clench of his stomach. He flashed Seung Hyun a shy smile, a thank you. 

Seung Hyun clicked his chopsticks on his plate and leisurely chose through the banchan before dipping into the same baked hobak he’d given his nephew, placing it on top of Junsu’s rice. Junsu stared down at the delicious looking spiced squash, all orange and soft and then back at Seung Hyun, who nodded down at it. 

“Ba — Junsu, eat,” he said, his voice just as warm and honeyed as the squash. “You look like you’ve lost weight.” 

Unable to resist the lure of Seung Hyun’s voice, Junsu snatched up the hobak and plopped it into his mouth. This time, he wasn’t able to resist the groan as the sweet flavor, the baked gooey texture, hit his tongue. Embarrassed, he slapped his hand over his mouth as his cheeks flushed a bright red. 

Seung Hyun only laughed and proceeded to place bits of food in Junsu’s bowl, urging him to eat everything. His sister and mother weren’t much better, bringing out more food as soon as it looked as though a bowl might be on the urge of emptying. Yeon Jun took over a lot of the attention, laughing playing with his food whenever he thought he could get away with it. The newness of Junsu being there wore off, and soon he only had eyes for his beloved uncle. An uncle who apparently doted on him just as much, listening to his long, involved little boy stories. 

Hye Youn peppered him with questions about himself, about Jaejoong and Yoochun. It turns out she was a big JYJ fan from the beginning and had even been to a few of his concerts both as JYJ and TVXQ. 

“You know your brother didn’t even know who I was when we first met?” Junsu teased. 

She gasped and stared accusingly at Seung Hyun. “How is that possible? I had their freaking posters up on my wall all through college.” 

“How many times did I come to visit you, Noona?” Seung Hyun demanded. 

“Do you even need to do it more than once?” she laughed. “He was right there in all his Xia Junsu glory.” 

Junsu chuckled, somehow liking Seung Hyun’s sister more and more.

“Well, then. How did you guys meet?” she asked, pushing back her plate and handing Yeon Jun another napkin, telling him to wipe his mouth that was covered in kimchi juice. Seung Hyun cleared his throat and looked away, grabbing the napkin and wiping off the boy's face. 

“We met at a charity concert this winter,” Junsu said. “I was performing a song from one of my musi—” 

“Wait,” she said, accusingly, turning to her brother, fixing him with a piercing glare. “You went to the musical benefit? The one I begged you to take me to and yet you swore you would never, ever go? That benefit?” 

He held his hand out to her defensively. “I didn’t plan on going, Yang Hyun Suk forced me…” he trailed off, looking at Junsu. “I mean. I didn’t mean to but then my boss surprised us with tickets.” 

Narrowing his eyes at Seung Hyun, Junsu turned to his sister. “He so did not want to be there. We met behind stage — not only was he a complete jerk and to top it off... he had no idea who I was! I still don’t know which stings worse.” 

“You were a jerk? To Xia Junsu?” his sister said. “How is that even possible? He’s like sunshine and light and a bag full of puppies. Everyone knows it.” 

“Kittens,” Seung Hyun interrupted. 

“What?” 

“Kittens. He’s like sunshine and light and a bag full of kittens. And I know it now.” 

His sister gaped, looking from Seung Hyun to Junsu and back again. “Well…” she cleared her throat, “just so you know.” 

Seung Hun’s mother placed her napkin delicately in front of her and pushed back from the table. “Yeon Jun-ah, let’s clean up these dishes and let the boys go hang out in the living room.” 

Jumping up, Junsu started piling some of the dishes. “Oh, let me help with that.” 

“Xia Junsu is clearing my table,” his sister breathed, clasping her hands to her heart in exaggerated fangirl fashion. “Let me take a picture. No one is going to believe this.” 

“No pictures,” Seung Hyun said. “Don’t be one of those crazy fans. It’s not a good look on you.” 

“And your face isn’t a good look on you,” she retorted, rolling her eyes. 

“Children,” their mother called out to them, with a shake of her head. “Why does it always end up like this when you’re together?” 

She turned to Junsu and captured one of his busily moving hands in hers. “Thank you dear, but you’re our guest, and Seung Hyun explained just how tired you must be right now with your schedule. You two go into the living room and relax and we’ll be there in a little bit with some tea.” She gave his hand a final pat and pushed him away. 

“Come on, Junsu,” Seung Hyun said, rounding the table. “It’s best to not stay too close to my sister in case she becomes a completely embarrassing stalker-fangirl.” 

“Hey! You should have known what you were doing when you brought Xia Junsu into our house, little brother.” She hooked her arm through Junsu’s, clutching him close to her. “Pretty sure I get to keep him now.” 

“Yeah. Clearly my fault for not realizing exactly what sort of an embarrassment you were going to be.” 

“Exactly. You know me. You should have known,” she said, with a grin that looked so much like Seung Hyun’s Junsu couldn’t help but smile back at her. Seung Hyun raised his eyebrow at the two of them and pulled Junsu’s arm away from his sister and started hauling Junsu away by his wrist. 

“I wanna go, too!” Yeon Jun pouted. 

Hye Youn, easily switching from fangirl to mom-mode, put her hands on her hips and cocked her head at her young son. “You, young man, need to help me and grandma clean up from dinner or Uncle Seung Hyun isn’t going to read you a story tonight.” 

Yeon Jun’s eyes widened in excitement. “Story! Story! Story!” he chanted, climbing up on his chair and clapping his hands. 

“Go on, Seung Hyun-ah,” his mother said. “Go relax and spend time with your friend. We’ll pack you two up some banchan to take with you.” 

Junsu’s ears perked up at her words. Just so casually accepting him, giving him food, letting him spend time with Seung Hyun, she was wonderful but, sadly, he shook his head. “You don’t need to pack me anything, ma’am, he said. 

“Don’t be silly!” she said. “Seung Hyun said you live all alone and are so busy you don’t take care of yourself. Of course, I’m going to send you home with as much food as you can carry.” 

He lived alone. Junsu thought about containers of food, of having to explain them to his mother. Of what he was going to already have to face when he got back home, having to explain away the time, to hide just where he’d been these few hours he’d been able to scrape away. 

“I just, I’m not home very much and I’d hate it to go to waste…” he stuttered. 

“We made extra just for this Junsu-shi. If you say anything else, I’m going to think it’s just because you don’t like my food.” 

He gaped at her. “Oh no! Your food is delicious! I told Seung Hyun that so many times…” he trailed off, realizing what he’d just admitted. His breath stuck in his throat, he looked from Seung Hyun to his mother. “I mean…” 

She waved him off. “It’s settled then. We’ll have it all ready for when you leave. Now you and Seung Hyun go and have fun.” 

Seung Hyun tugged him, protesting, through the doorway and down the hall into the living room. When they were alone Junsu spun around to face him. “I’m sorry!” he stuttered, his hand reaching out to clutch Seung Hyun’s shirt in is hand. “I didn’t mean to imply to your mother. I wasn’t thinking…” 

If he outed them to Seung Hyun’s mother as easily as he’d outed them to his own, he’d never forgive himself. From their short time together, Junsu could see just how close the family was, how attached Seung Hyun was to his nephew, his sister, his mother. And they to him. 

Seung Hyun checked behind him to make sure the door was shut before turning back to Junsu, rubbing his hand up and down Junsu’s arm. 

“Shhh… baby. It’s okay. Mom knows I have people over at my house.” 

It was Junsu’s turn to look behind Seung Hyun’s broad shoulder, before shaking him with the fisted fabric in his hand. “Don’t call me that!” he hissed. 

“Why?” Seung Hyun cocked his head and stepped closer, inching into Junsu’s space. “I know you love it when I call you that.” 

He bent his head down until his lips brushed Junsu’s ear. “ _ Baby _ ,” he whispered, sending a shudder down Junsu’s spine. Despite himself, Junsu found himself arching into Seung Hyun, needing to feel his solid form against him, just for a moment. 

“See?” Seung Hyun said, rubbing his lips over Junsu’s ear. “ _ Baby _ .” 

Junsu’s eyes closed his eyes, unable to resist the lure of Seung Hyun, loving the feel of his warmth, warmth that spread over his body, a warmth that soothed the tattered edges of his barely held together spirit. Gently, he rested his forehead on Seung Hyun’s shoulder, taking a moment to soak in some of the strength he felt there. 

“So,” Seung Hyun whispered. “You ready to tell me what’s wrong?” Seung Hyun ran one of his large hands over Junsu’s back, mimicking the small circular movements from earlier. 

Junsu shook his head, aware of Seung Hyun’s family in the other room. Aware that if he let a little out, he wouldn’t be able to stop until the whole ugly story was out. Until he was left broken and exposed, a mess that he would not be able to cover. He clutched harder at Seung Hyun, afraid to let go, afraid to let him escape, afraid to let him in. 

“Junsu. I don’t know what’s wrong. I can’t help until I do. Please, baby.  _ Please _ .”

Swallowing hard, Junsu just held him tighter. Breathing in deep gulps of Seung Hyun. Tilting his head sideways, Junsu rubbed his lips against Seung Hyun and the warm skin he found just above his tightly buttoned collar. He mouthed words there. The words he couldn’t, wouldn’t, say aloud. 

_ I love you. I love you. I love you. _

With the sounds of Seung Hyun’s family busily working in the other room. The sounds of the chatter from a little boy and the women who loved him. Who obviously loved each other and who loved Seung Hyun. Surrounded by everything he'd ever wanted, Junsu could only hold on. Hold as tightly as he could, afraid that if he let go, if he opened his eyes, it would be all gone. Seung Hyun would be gone. 

So he stood there, with Seung Hyun’s shirt clutched in his hands, Seung Hyun’s arms around him, soothing their little circles, his lips imprinting the feel of Seung Hyun on his skin. Just holding on.


	49. Unspoken Reality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes the reality you try to push back will no longer be denied.

They stood there, holding each other, as Junsu carefully listened to the sounds of the other room, ready to move at any sign that the others were about to join them.

From his back pocket, his phone beeped the arrival of a text message.

With a heaviness sinking over him, Junsu stiffened and tried to move away, realizing just who was probably texting him, pulling him out of the moment and away from Seung Hyun, but Seung Hyun just tightened his arms around Junsu, holding him tighter against him.

“Not yet,” he murmured. “Just a little bit longer, okay?”

Junsu imagined that Seung Hyun sounded as needy as Junsu felt but, he chided himself, he was probably projecting, hearing what his heart wanted, needed, to hear. Whatever the case, Junsu allowed himself to be held in place, to stay right where he wanted to be. With Seung Hyun. Touching him. Feeling his heartbeat against him.

There was a rustling and the sound of tiny footsteps plowing down the hallway and Junsu, startled, pushed Seung Hyun away from him — hard. Not expecting the motion, Seung Hyun stepped backward and stumbled over a toy truck Yeon Jun had left on the floor, tripped, and fell to the floor.

Junsu gasped and flew forwards, his knees hitting the floor next to Seung Hyun, hard.

“Seung Hyun-ah,” he gasped, “I’m so sorry. “

He ran his hands over Seung Hyun, trying to see if anything was hurt, if anything was broken, continuing to apologize. Seung Hyun, wincing, used his hands to push himself upright. And Junsu could feel that wince right in his heart. Why couldn’t he ever do anything right?

“Are you okay?” he asked, blinking back the panic.

“I’m fine.” Seung Hyun frowned. “Are _you_ okay?”

“What do you mean, am I okay?” Junsu asked. “I’m the one who knocked you down, remember?”

“Yeah. Are you okay? You pushed me, Junsu.”

“I…” he opened and closed his mouth. “Yeon Jun was… I just.”

On that, the little boy in question burst through the door, stopping when he saw Junsu and Seung Hyun on the floor.

“What are you doing?” he asked. “Why are you on the floor?

“Junsu and I were just playing,” Seung Hyun said, shooting Junsu a look, letting him know that their conversation wasn’t over yet. All Junsu could do was kneel there guiltily as he chewed hard on his lip.

His phone vibrated another text message.

“I’m gonna play, too!” Yeon Jun said before running and dive bombing Seung Hyun’s lap. Seung Hyun groaned, his breath escaping him with a whoosh as tiny knee hit him solidly in the stomach, but he still managed to catch the little boy, making sure he didn’t hit the floor.

“I think we’re all done playing, buddy,” Seung Hyun said.

“Oh.” Yeon Jun frowned for a second before brightening. “Guess what?” he asked, excitement back in his voice.

“What?” Seung Hyun asked while soothing the hair over Yeon Jun’s forehead.

“Mom got a cake!”

“Cake!” Seung Hyun exclaimed in an exaggerated tone.

“Yeah! ’Cause it’s a special occasion. ’Cause your friend Junsu is here.”

Yeon Jun turned to Junsu with a bright smile on his face. “Junsu, want some cake? Grandma let me pick it out myself.” He bent his head towards Junsu and waved Junsu over to do the same. When Junsu leaned down, Yeon Jun whispered, all hot breath and spit, into Junsu’s ear, “It has Iron Man on it!”

Junsu smiled, in spite of himself. “Iron Man? Then I definitely need some cake.”

Climbing to his feet, Junsu held his hands out to Seung Hyun. Seung Hyun studied him for a moment with those dark, beautiful eyes, those eyes that were filled with worry and concern. Junsu gave him a small encouraging smile and gestured to him with his hands. After a moment, he deposited Yeon Jun to the side, reached out and grabbed Junsu’s hands and allowed himself to be hauled up and right back into Junsu’s space. Tilting his head back, Junsu was reminded just how much he loved that Seung Hyun was just that much taller than he was, his broad shoulders just that much stronger. Able to make Junsu feel empowered and cared for.

“Sorry,” he whispered one more time, unable to stop himself.

“It’s okay,” Seung Hyun said with a shrug then, with a wicked smile, leaned closer and lowered his voice to just barely above a whisper. “I’ll just expect you to kiss it and make it better when we’re all alone.”

“Seung Hyun!” Junsu sputtered, bright red. “Your nephew is _right here_.”

“Which is why I don’t demand you do it right now,” he said.

Despite himself, Junsu laughed, as Yeon Jun danced around them, demanding to know what was so funny.

They were joined by his mother and Hye Youn. Junsu hurried to take away the tray holding the desserts and the tea set from her, carrying it over to the table as they gushed over his manners.

Though he was stuffed from eating the most food he’d had in days, Junsu managed a few swallows of the sugary treat under the watchful eyes of the entire Choi family.

“You guys gonna sleep over?” Yeon Jun asked.

Junsu flinched, blinking at the innocent question. “What?”

“Sometimes Uncle Seung Hyun sleeps here. You could stay in my room!”

“Sorry, buddy, Junsu has to go home.”

“Why?” The boy asked.

“Yeah, Uncle Seung Hyun,” his sister teased. “Why?”

Junsu looked at Seung Hyun, wondering just how he was going to get them out of this one.

“Because…”

His phone beeped again, and Junsu signed. Reality was a big and awful thing and sometimes its lurking could ruin your day. Thinking about the situation, he reconsidered — _sometimes you just got lucky._

“I’m sorry, Yeon Jun, I can’t, but I bet your uncle would love to have a slumber party with you.”

“Why not?” the boy frowned, stamping his foot.

“Yeah. Why?” Seung Hyun frowned.

“I… well, I have a meeting tonight,” he lied.

Seung Hyun sat upright, at full attention. “What are you talking about? You didn’t tell me about any meeting.”

Junsu thought about it, thought about the phone and the messages he knew it now held. He thought about Seung Hun expecting to take him home. About having to tell him he didn’t live there anymore. And he couldn’t do it. Not tonight. He couldn’t ruin the loveliness that Seung Hyun had tried so hard to create for him.

Later, he told himself, later he would tell him.

“Yeah, that thing I thought I could move around? Could only shove it to later tonight. But you should stay with Yeon Jun. Have fun for the both of us.”

“Junsu. I’m not…”

“YAY!” Yeon Jun cheered.

Junsu ducked his head, avoiding Seung Hyun’s gaze, and he tried to feel guilty about using Yeon Jun like that. He had used a kid to get himself out of an impossible situation, used Seung Hyun’s family against him. But Junsu found himself in survival mode now.

“It is good that you can spend time with your family, Seung Hyun-ah. We’ve missed you,” Seung Hyun’s mother said. “You know I worry you’re not taking care of yourself out there on the road. Hotel room to hotel room, all those countries.”

Seung Hyun went over and sat down next to his mother on the couch. “I promise, I’m okay, Mom,” he said. “I’m taking care of myself.”

“Are you eating well?” she asked, grasping his hands in hers. “Sometimes I look at you and think you’re nothing but skin and bones now. Where’s my little boy who was such a good eater?”

“I eat well. I wasn’t healthy then, I am now,” he said.

“He’s such a mama’s boy.” Junsu jumped at Hye Youn’s whisper in his ear. “ A good son. It’s irritating.”

Junsu turned to her. “Irritating?”

“You know, he has flowers delivered to her once a week? Calls every couple of days, no matter where in the world he is? Takes her… takes us, to whatever event he’s going to that he thinks we’ll like?” She rolled her eyes. “Irritating.”

She said irritating, but looking at her, Junsu could see the love, the pride, shining from her eyes. It was mirrored in the look her mother was giving Seung Hyun. That Seung Hyun was giving his mother. This was a close-knit family, like the ones he saw in dramas. His phone beeped in his pocket again, and he blinked back the tears. This was the sort of family he wished he belonged to. Pretended he did belong to, some days.

Yeon Jun wandered over to Seung Hyun and climbed up into his lap, curling up into a small, sleepy ball.

“Yeon Jun-ah, I think it’s time for bed,” Hye Youn said.

“But I’m not sleepy!” Yeon Jun said, his retort lessened when matched with the giant yawn he let out.

“Pretty sure you are, buddy.” Seung Hyun said, rubbing the boy’s back.

“Are you really going to sleep here, Uncle Seung Hyun?” he asked.

Seung Hyun looked up at Junsu, staring hard at him, questioning. Junsu couldn’t bear to look him in the eye, as he was looking for answers Junsu just wasn’t ready to give yet. Answers he was afraid to voice — afraid to think of what it will do to him, to them.

“I guess I am, kiddo,” he said.

“Will you sleep in my room?”

“Ahh. No. But I’ll sleep in the guest room, and I’ll be here for breakfast for you in the morning.”

“Can I sleep in the guest room with you?” Yeon Jun asked.

“Promise you won’t have an accident in the bed?” he asked.

“I’m not a baby anymore, Uncle Seung Hyun,” Yeon Jun said stubbornly.

Junsu couldn’t help but smile at the interplay between the two — the delight they found in each other. Seung Hyun was so obviously good with his nephew.

“He is going to be such a good dad, someday,” Hye Youn whispered to him.

Junsu jerked his head over to look at her. “A dad?” he breathed.

He stared at Seung Hyun and his nephew — their delight in each other twisting as he saw it through different eyes, eyes that tainted and hurt. His heart sped until it beat in his chest so hard he could hear it thunder in his ears.

“Yeah, if he weren’t T.O.P, I’d say he’d already be married with at least one or two kids already,” she said. “What’s it going to be, Seung Hyun-ah? One or two kids?”

“At least three,” Seung Hyun laughed. “Four, if you count how I plan to steal Yeon Jun-ah from you.”

“You steal him, that means you’re responsible for paying for his education.”

“Like you’re not going to make me pay for that anyway,” he retorted.

Junsu felt warm. Too warm. They’d never talked about kids. It hit Junsu right then that they’d never really talked about the future at all — let alone _their_ future. There had never been any space in Junsu to think to ask that question, as the one he’d never been quite able to get around was how long Seung Hyun was going to stay. The ‘if he were going to stay’ obliterated any of the questions of what their life would be like if he did.

He put the questions aside and forced himself to think about it. Forced himself to be realistic. Seung Hyun wasn’t gay — or at least he hadn’t been before Junsu got his hands on him. What Junsu had said to his mother that afternoon had been right. It wasn’t Seung Hyun who had done this to Junsu, who had instigated their relationship — it was the other way around.

Making himself look at it, he saw that if they were discovered and their careers were ruined, it would be his fault. If Seung Hyun could never be a father — could never have a regular family — it was Junsu who had done that to him. If Seung Hyun’s family found out about them and they reacted the same way as his mother? If they looked at him the same way his mother did, like he was a disgusting and flawed thing? It would be Junsu who had destroyed this beautiful family.

Because he’d only thought of himself. Of his feelings. His love for Seung Hyun. He hadn’t considered Seung Hyun or what his plans or dreams were for the future.

Did Seung Hyun ever think of it? Did Seung Hyun ever consider what sort of life he would have if he stayed with Junsu? Just what he’d have to give up if he decided to go against their society and be with a man?

Junsu was sure he knew the answer to that.

They’d both been about the now. The newness of their relationship, of what their current wants were. This, though, he couldn’t completely blame on himself. The life of an idol, the machine, had drilled thoughts of the future out of them. Their lives were about the schedule. Make music, put music out, promote music, repeat. It was all about keeping your star afloat — the future was a far-off thing that took place once the ride was over — once the machine had spit you out.

He looked at Seung Hyun, laughing with Yeon Jun, and his mother sitting next to them, overseeing it all, doting on her small family. Suddenly, Junsu needed to escape, to leave, to run away. To protect Seung Hyun while he still could, before he tainted him, casting a shadow over his life, his future.

Tightly, he curled his fingers into his palm until his nails bit into the flesh, until the pain cleared the fog on his brain. Stiffening his back, he did the one thing he could do, the one thing left to him. He snapped Xia Junsu in place, shutting down his emotions, and focused on the task at hand.

Pulling out his phone, he glanced at the collection of text messages — the ever-increasing, angry, accusing text messages. Funny how they didn’t hurt as much right now. How he just couldn’t bring himself to care about what had been so overwhelming just a few hours ago.

“I’m sorry,” he cleared his voice and apologized, astounding himself with how steady his voice was. “I have to go, my car is here.”

Everyone in the room turned their focus back to him.

Seung Hyun frowned. “Why did you call your car? I’m going to take you.”

Junsu held tight to his emotions making sure nothing filtered through his face. “And take you away from your family? No way. Besides,” he pointed towards Yeon Jun, “I’m pretty sure you promised your nephew a story.”

“Story! Story! Story!” the sleepy boy said around his thumb, using his free hand to pull on Seung Hyun’s sleeve.

“Yeon Jun-ah…” Seung Hyun turned from his nephew to Junsu, clearly torn.

And Junsu planned to fix that for him.

“No, that will make me feel terrible.” He bowed deeply to Seung Hyun’s mother, “I hate to go, but schedules will not and cannot be avoided. It’s like the number one idol rule. Thank you so much for a lovely evening. It was… exactly what I needed.”

He leaned in and kissed a surprised Hye Youn on the cheek. “Thanks for being a fan.”

While Junsu wanted to run — to get himself out of there as fast as possible — he forced himself to be rational. He needed to get out of the apartment as cleanly as possible — and then he could allow himself to fall apart.

Though it was like physically cutting parts out of him, he smiled and wriggled his nose at Seung Hyun. “We’ll talk later?”

WIth his armful of adorable and sleepy nephew, Seung Hyun could only nod, frustrated.

Junsu plastered the smile to his face, bowed his thanks to the family once again and then, thankfully, made his escape.

Away from Seung Hyun. Away from his heart as he left that right on the carpet. But it was okay. He didn’t need it anymore.

 

 


	50. I Don't Belong To You Anymore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Junsu needs to process, process what he's lost and possibly get a little bit of his own back.

**** Though it was May, the night air was cold. The wind from the river blew and whirled around Junsu. Through Junsu. He wasn’t sure how he got to the river. Wasn’t sure of much. The numbness of his fingers and toes was nothing like the numbness that swamped him. He watched as the Han rushed past him. The lights from the cruise boats, crawling up and down the river, cast eerie shadows along the path. The tight leather of his new shoes pinched and rubbed his feet with every step. 

And yet, he still moved forward. 

He wasn’t sure how long he’d been walking. All he knew was he had to keep walking. All he knew was one foot in front of another. All he would allow himself to think of was one foot. Another foot. 

A gust of wind swept over the water, and he shivered. Had he remembered to grab his coat? He looked down, not surprised to see he wasn’t wearing one. But then again, he couldn’t actually remember if he’d worn one in the first place. Shoving his hands deep into his pockets, he continued on with his task. One foot in front of the other. 

His phone rang again, and he pulled it out. Seung Hyun. 

Before his heart had a chance to betray him, betray what he knew in his heart was right, he refused the call and shoved the phone back into his pocket. No, he wasn’t ready to think of that. He wasn’t ready to think of what he’d done. What he still had to do. And yet, he couldn’t force his mind to think of anything else. 

He tried to focus on his lines for  _ Death Note _ . Tried to focus on becoming L. With the show going to previews just next week, he needed to focus, needed it to be perfect, but he just couldn’t make himself care. He tried to put his mind to creating lyrics, wondering if maybe he could do what he’d done in the past when he’d been broken when he’d been lost — to use it, to put it into his music — but he was too raw for that. And that would require acknowledging his life, his feelings — something he wasn’t sure he could do and still put that foot in front of the other. 

He knew, though, despite the pain that lurked underneath his skin — that stalked his footsteps, that waited to pounce when he let his guard down — he knew he was doing the right thing. He knew that without him, Seung Hyun would have a better life. Without him, Seung Hyun could live the life he really wanted. Or the life he’d wanted before Junsu had gotten in the way of everything. 

The phone beeped in his pocket again, and he tried to make himself leave it in there, to ignore whoever was calling, but he couldn’t. He was greedy. While he knew what he was going to have to do, he still longed for that connection with Seung Hyun. 

He pulled out the phone. His mother. 

She’d been calling all night. Texting all night. He’d finally stopped reading the texts. He could only focus on one horrible thing at a time — and for right now? Realizing that what he’d feared was much closer than he’d expected? That his time was Seung Hyun was at an end? That it hadn’t been Seung Hyun who’d had eventually walked away, but him? 

He didn’t have room for his mother.  

The phone beeped, telling him she’d left another voicemail. Another voicemail he’d delete. 

Before he’d even had a chance to put the phone away, the phone rang again. Seung Hyun.

He hadn’t cried. Not yet. You needed to let feelings in to cry. No feelings? No tears. For now, he was okay with that, relieved even. Numbness was awesome. Numbness was his hometown. Where he lived and planned to make a future. Long live numb nothingness. 

He pushed the phone deeper into his pocket as if the fabric of his thin pants would somehow mask the sound — mask the demands from others that he just couldn’t handle right now. 

The wind blew hard again, and he wished he had a scarf, his heavy, long, red scarf that he could wrap around his head, again and again, covering him, blocking him from the world. Blocking the world from him. 

A vision snuck through the fog — that night all those months ago, outside of that tiny cafe, Seung Hyun snugging the scarf around him, fixing it around his shoulders, his neck, until it was just so. His long fingers, his eyes unsure, but caught up in the moment, caught up in Junsu. What if that night had gone differently? It should have, he realized now. He wanted to scream to the Junsu of his memory to leave. To leave him alone. To leave before they both got hurt. 

He closed his eyes against the memory, but that just brought it into focus — the cold, the crunch of the snow, the white haze of their breath in the cold air. Allowing himself one more minute, he pictured Seung Hyun — pictured himself — both unsure, scared but dumb enough to push forward. 

Stupid. 

He was so stupid, thinking this was going to work out. Thinking that just because he wanted to, he could make it work. 

The phone rang again, and he forced himself to breathe. In. Out. In. Out. He tried to match his steps with his breathing. In. Out. In. Out. One foot. Another foot. One foot. Another foot. Finally, it stopped, and he relaxed, his shoulders loosening. 

But almost immediately, the phone rang again and, stomach clenched, he gave up and pulled the phone out. Surprised to see it was his manager, he turned on the phone.

“Junsu!” Manager Oh shouted. “Where are you? Are you okay?” 

“I’m fine,” Junsu said. “What’s wrong?” 

“What’s wrong? You’re asking me what’s wrong? Your mother’s been calling me all night, saying she can’t get ahold of you, saying you told her you were at some meeting with me tonight.” 

“Oh.” Yeah, he should have realized that the excuse wouldn’t hold water. One would think that a lifetime as an idol, living a life in secret, ducking fans, would make him better at this. 

“Oh? Every five minutes, Junsu. She’s been calling me every five minutes to check on you, see if I’ve heard anything. I swear she’s about to go to the police.”

“I’m fine. Just… taking the night off.” 

“So, you’re just not answering your calls? Leaving me to deal with her? Not part of my Job description, Junsu.” 

“Sorry. I didn’t think she’d call you. Just tell her… I’m fine.” 

“I’m not calling your mother,” Manager Oh snapped. 

He stepped aside as a delivery bike zoomed by. “Well. I’m not calling her either, I’m just saying if you speak with her again, tell her I’m fine.” 

“Why won’t you talk to her? And why did you lie and say you were working with me tonight? I don’t appreciate being put in the middle of your family squabble.” 

“I didn’t put you in the middle of my family squabble,” he said. 

“Junsu, what is going on? This behavior is not like you. Tell me what is going on or I’m going to go to my boss.” 

“I just want to be left alone for one fucking minute!” Junsu yelled into the phone. 

“Junsu…” 

“LEAVE ME ALONE! Just leave me alone!” Junsu screamed, before cutting the connection. 

He squatted down, curling up as much as he could, wrapping his arms around his head, rocking his body slightly. The numbness, the blessed numbness that he’d been clinging to, began to sift away as if he were filled with holes. 

The phone rang again and, without thinking about it, without looking to see who it was, he stood and hauled off, launching the phone into the Han river, watching it hit the water with a satisfying plonk. 

Turning, he continued to walk, adding not thinking about what he’d just done to the list of things he was not thinking about. 

Approaching a more populated stretch of the river, he was thankful years of being a famous idol had ingrained certain things into him. From his pocket, he pulled a thick, black mask and put it on, tugging the straps firmly over his ears. Although he wasn’t certain why he was even trying, his hair for L was now a bright blond that he was sure shone like an idol-shaped beacon in the dark light. 

Noticing a small stand to his right, he realized this, at least, was something he could fix. He wandered over to the small stand selling cheap souvenirs, hoping to catch some of the tourist traffic of the Han River. Looking over the old, smiling ahjumma's wares, he chose a black ball cap that said KOREA in big, silver letters. He put it right on and tugged it low down over his face, instantly feeling more comfortable in his anonymity. 

He wandered through the couples — the men and women who sat there, eating chicken together, drinking beer, being happy. Allowed to be happy and in love. He wondered if those couples knew just how lucky they were. 

He hated those couples. 

The crowds began to get heavier, filled with couples and foreigners, all looking expectantly at the bridge in front of them, and he realized where he was. Turning, he sat on a cold, cement bench and waited. Suddenly, the bridge lit up, and water sprayed from the spouts, and music from a long time ago blared over the loudspeakers. He realized he’d never actually seen the water show at the bridge. He was realizing he’d never done a lot of things. So he sat there and watched. He watched the bridge, he watched the people around him watching the bridge, cuddling up together. Didn’t they know the Han River was for breaking up? That the Han River wasn’t for happy snuggles? 

It never had been. 

The Han was where Seung Hyun had had one of his freak outs, that time in the car when Junsu had gone too far and pushed too hard before he knew of Seung Hyun’s issues. If only they’d stayed that way. He hadn’t realized then that the pain he felt then was nothing compared to now. Or now, when he let feelings back in. Once the nothingness left. 

Not that he was looking forward to that. 

When the light show ended, he got back up, prepared to continue to walk, to continue his trek, but his eye was caught by a sad, little food truck, sitting off on its own, its old awnings drooping and faded, showing their age. A man, older than his grandfather, stood there, his shoulders hunched, waiting anxiously for customers. Junsu looked around, noticing that none of the other people around him were paying attention to the old man and his old truck. Unable to stop himself, he wandered closer. When the old man realized he had someone’s attention, he brightened and began to wave Junsu over. 

“Here young man, here. Would you like some soondae?” he asked. 

Junsu began to shake his head, then saw the light begin to die in the man’s eyes. Disappointing everyone. That was Kim Junsu. 

“Yes, sir.” Resolutely, he sat down at the brittle, plastic chair as the old man, now delighted, began dishing Junsu up a steaming helping of the black sausage. 

“You won’t regret it, my wife makes the best soondae.” 

“Is she here?” Junsu asked. 

The man shook his head, sadly. “No, my daughter’s youngest girl has taken ill, she’s down in Busan helping out.” 

“My goodness. Is she going to be okay?” he asked.

“She’s got to have surgery, but the doctors say she should be okay.” 

The soondae sliced, the man heaped it on a plate, balanced a little cup filled with salt on the edge, and handed it over to Junsu. Junsu gulped at the amount of food, but he found himself determined to eat each bite. His stomach rumbled, reminding him of the feast he’d eaten earlier in the night, but Junsu ignored it, wanting to obliterate it, to wipe the taste off his tongue, the feeling from his heart. 

He jabbed at a piece with a toothpick and jammed it into his mouth as the man waited, expectantly. 

“Mmm…” he said, nodding his head over the objections of his stomach. 

He swallowed it down, hard, jabbing piece after piece, swallowing, replacing the mindless footsteps with eating with eating, with the chatter of the old man, but too soon the plate was empty, and his stomach heaved dangerously. Stumbling, he rose and pulled out his wallet. Looking from the bundle of cash to the old man and back, he pulled out everything he had and pressed it into the man’s hand.

The old man looked at the wad of cash in surprise. “This is too much, young man.” 

Junsu shook his head. “I hope your granddaughter is okay,” he said and walked away, walked back down towards the water, trying to ignore his lurching stomach, or the buzzing in his head, or the shaking that now began to wrack his body. Finally, it sank into him, through the barrier he’d erected. Gagging, he desperately looked around and bolted, just barely making to the garbage can before he was violently ill, losing the soondae, losing everything. He heaved and heaved, until he was empty until tears streamed down his face until there was nothing left. 

**********

The sun was beginning to peek above the high rises, the fake light of the street lamps and street signs giving way to the warm light of morning before Junsu reached his building. By then, the tears were gone, his feet were bloody and raw, his body exhausted. He stood there and watched as the pinks and oranges of the new morning washed across the sky. It was pretty, he realized. 

With a weary sigh, he walked into the building and entered the elevator, leaning against the wall as it silently zipped up to his parents’ floor. When the door unlocked, making its loud, digital beeps, he winced, hoping it didn’t wake anyone up in the house as, without his phone, he wasn’t actually sure what time it was. 

Slipping his shoes off with a wince, he inspected his bare feet, rubbed raw from the unforgiving new leather. He hoped there was no dance practice today, as he didn’t think he’d be able to make it through. 

“ _ JUNSU _ .” 

He didn’t even jump at the sound of his mother’s angry voice, just bent down, picked up the shoes, and tucked them into the shoe cupboard (although he was certain he would never wear the shoes again). 

“Kim Junsu, I am speaking to you. You’ve been with that man, haven’t you?” she hissed. 

He closed his eyes against the sound of her voice, wishing for more silence, more anonymity, but he was too tired to care too much. 

“I’m tired Mother, I need to get some sleep before rehearsal.” He turned and tried to move past her, but she pivoted and blocked his way.

“You’ve been out all night, and that’s all you can say to me? Why did you not answer any of my calls?”

“Mom. I will listen to you yell at me all you want later, but right now, I’m tired. I’m tired, and I need sleep.”

“You? What about me? You don’t think I’m tired, having to wait up for you all night?” 

Guilt tried to poke at him, but it was no longer a match for the protective haze around him, no match for the pain that rocked him. 

“I’m sure Hyung told you I was fine.” This time, he managed to bypass her and walked to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water. 

“ _ Hyung _ told you I was fine? Don't you think I deserve an apology? I was frantic.”

“Were you worried for me? Or for where I was?” He surprised himself with the retort. He’d thought he’d burned through the irritation, the anger, earlier, but there it was, hiding. 

“You lied to me. You were with that man when you know how I feel about that, Junsu. You’re lucky your father wasn’t here.” 

“Where is dad?” he asked, after sipping the water. 

“Where’s Dad? That’s all you can say?” she asked. “He’s at Toscana, taking care of  _ your  _ business, while you’re off shaming us with that man.” 

Junsu closed his eyes, bringing back the memory of Seung Hyun and his others from earlier that night — or last night now, he guessed. He remembered the warmth of Seung Hyun’s family, how much they cared for him. How they obviously doted on him. 

“Maybe it’s time for me to go and speak with this man,” his mother said. 

The half-empty bottle of water slipped from his fingers and clattered to the counter, spilling all over the white tile. He stared at his mother in horror. 

“Don’t,” he said, his voice shaking. 

“What else can I do, Junsu?” she asked. “Obviously, what I’m doing isn’t working, and if you think I’m just going to let this go, you are very mistaken.”

“You don’t need to talk to him, Mother,” he said, his voice cold. “I’ve broken up with him. That’s what I was doing tonight.” 

She stood there, her mouth open, staring at him, dumbstruck. 

“I…” Narrowing her eyes, she squared her shoulders. “I don’t believe you,” she said. “All week you refuse to break up with him when I asked, and now, out of the blue, you just do it? I won’t be tricked by you again, Junsu.” 

Grabbing a towel from the drawer, he mopped up the water, wiping and wiping until everything was clean and dry again. His head bowed, he folded the towel again and again until it was back in a neat square. 

“I realized he deserves better than me. Then this,” he said, gesturing towards her. “I may have to live this way, may have to live a life where my mother looks at me this way, thinks these things about me, but he doesn’t have to.” 

“Oh. So you broke with him for his sake? Really, Junsu,” she said. 

He stopped fidgeting and looked her straight in the eye. “I did. I love him and I need him to be happy. Happier than I can make him.” 

“Well then,” she said, clearly still not sure what to believe. “Good. Now we can start getting this behind us.” Reaching out, she hesitated and then placed her hand gingerly over his. “I think it’s time to find you a wife.” 

Finally, then, he looked her in the eye, confusion coming up through his haze. 

“What?” he asked, pretty sure he’d heard wrong. 

“A wife. Now that this… unfortunate incident has passed, I think the best thing to do is to start thinking about your future. The right future.” 

He realized then he was never going to get through to her. That he was never going to get her to understand him — who and what he was. And he realized he just didn’t care as much as he had twelve hours ago. Could only make himself ache over one thing at a time, and the huge, gaping hole left by letting Seung Hyun go was the only thing he could think of, could consider. 

Slowly, he pulled his hand away. 

“No, I’m not getting married,” he said. 

“Well, it doesn’t have to happen right away,” she said. “We have to find someone suitable first, then ease into it so it doesn’t affect your career, but then, yes, you’ll get married.” 

“You may not be able to accept the fact that I’m gay, but I will never marry.” 

And after losing Seung Hyun, after leaving him, he realized he didn’t want to marry. He never wanted to be in love again. Though he was fully capable of letting Seung Hyun go, in his heart he knew he would always be there, sitting, lurking. 

He took comfort in that. 

“Of course, you’ll marry. You’ll forget all about this soon enough.” 

He was tired. He was tired down to his bones, he was too tired to fight with her. To try and make her understand something she couldn’t — or wouldn’t. He was tired of fighting so many losing battles. Of coming out the loser. He tightened his resolve. In this? In this, he would not lose. 

“NO!” he said, slamming his hand down on the counter. “Could you forget about dad? That’s who Seung Hyun was for me. But I let him go. Not for you. Not for me. But because it was the best thing to do for him. I’m going to have to live with that, with the fact that I was too much of a coward to keep going, to see him face what I’m facing. To see his… everything be stripped away from him.” 

He was surprised he wasn’t crying, that there were no more tears in him to cry. Maybe his body knew he was doing the right thing, and this was its way of supporting him.  _ Yay, body, _ he thought. 

She stared at him, wordless for once. He’d laugh it was funny. But it wasn’t. None of this was fucking funny anymore. 

“And now, I’m going home,” he said. 

Moving around the counter, he made his way past his mother and headed towards the room he’d been staying in since his mother had ordered him back to the family home. 

As he passed, she grabbed his arm. “You’re not going back there,” she said. 

“I’m an adult. I came here because I wanted to because I wanted to be the good son, but I can’t be that for you anymore, can I? You’ll never let me get past this,” he patted her hand before removing it from his sleeve, “so there is no sense in me being here.” 

“You can’t go back there,” she said. “I rented it out.” 

That surprised him, and he glanced at her, realizing, yes, he was a lot like her in many ways. When there was something they wanted, they went after it. She wanted him back here, so she did everything in her power to make that happen. But he was like her, and he, for once in his life, was determined to leave, was determined to not do what was expected of him. He’d had enough of that for one night, for one lifetime. 

“It’s okay, Omma. I’m Xia Junsu, I’ll be okay.”


	51. Revelations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seung Hyun knows something's wrong with Junsu. He'd like to find out what it is, but he'll have to find Junsu first.

 

Seung Hyun looked down at his phone again, looking at the tiny symbol indicating Junsu still had not read his texts. Probably still hadn’t seen any his calls, his messages. 

He hoped. 

He hoped he was wrong about this pit in his stomach, wrong to be so panicked. He hoped Junsu would call him back, chide him for his worry — remind him that he was top star Xia Junsu, who was simply too busy working to be bothered with looking at his phone… or answer his fucking boyfriend. 

But he knew. He knew something was terribly wrong, could tell from the stricken look on Junsu's face. Junsu thought he could hide behind the Xia Junsu mask — but not from him. Not anymore. Seung Hyun was now an expert on one Kim Junsu. He knew his smiles, real and fake. 

Had he been wrong to bring Junsu here, to his family? He wondered again and again throughout the night. When Jiyong had suggested it, it seemed like a great idea — show him how great families could… should be. But now it seemed as though he were showing off. Now it seemed like a fucking stupid idea. And he wasn’t sure how to fix it. 

Of course, he couldn’t fix it if Junsu wouldn’t pick up the  _ fucking  _ phone. 

“Hey,” He jumped as his sister whispered from the door. She stood there leaning against the frame, wearing a bathrobe and her hair caught up in a big fluffy towel. 

“What are you doing up so early?” he asked, as the sister he remembered would never let her face see the light of day until at least 11 — or until their mother realized she was still in bed and chased her out. 

“I’m a mom. Showering only happens when the terror is asleep.” she said. “Have you been up all night?” 

He looked down at the phone again, willing Junsu to respond to him. “Yeah.” 

Pushing herself away from the frame she wandered over to the bed and perched next to him, bumping him with her shoulder. “Is it Junsu?” she asked. 

“He won’t… there’s something wrong,” he said. 

“He did kind of run out of here like some anxious little bunny,” she tried to joke, but Seung Hyun passed joking about eight hours, six calls, and nineteen messages ago. 

“And now he’s not answering my calls. Or texts.” 

Gently, she tugged the phone from his fingers and placed it on the top of the dresser in front of them. 

“Don’t you have to fly to Thailand to perform tonight?” 

“Concert is tomorrow, but I have to be there today,” he said, looking down at his watch. “I should have left yesterday, but I moved my flight to today.” All the other members were there, all the staff and managers. As part of their plan, Jiyong was covering for him with management until he could get there, but he couldn’t leave it for much longer, not this early on in the tour. 

“Well then, don’t you think you should get some sleep? You have the Choi name to live up to, can’t let everyone see my brother out there performing with giant bags under his eyes — I would never live it down,” she teased, shoving her elbow into his side. 

“I’m not tired,” he said. 

“Bullshit. You’re about to fall over.” 

“Sleep is the last thing I want right now,” he said. 

He grabbed the phone back, and unlocking it, pressed Junsu’s number, listening to it, once again, going directly to voicemail. 

“You love him, don’t you?” she asked quietly. 

Jerking his head around, he stared blankly at her as the words sank in. Shit. Way to be stealth, Seung Hyun. “I… what makes you say that?” he asked, grasping at words. 

Her eyes bulged, and her mouth dropped. “Holy shit. You do! You totally love him! You have big fluffy heart-eyes for Xia Junsu!” she squealed. 

Seung Hyun lept over and clasped a hand over her hooting mouth before glancing towards the door, figuring with his luck, both his mother and his nephew would be standing there listening to his sister out him. 

“Shut your face!” he whispered. 

But his sister was trixy and fast, easily wriggling free, laughing at him. “You want to make big kissy-kissy faces with Junsu!” 

He bolted towards the door and closed it quietly before turning back to his sister. “…it’s complicated.” 

“How is it complicated?” she asked. “You like him. Does he like you?” 

Closing his eyes he pictured Junsu smiling at him, Junsu cuddled up next to him like the only thing he wanted in the world was to be there at that moment, Junsu on Jeju in the midst of a full-on panic attack, thinking that his family had chased him away. 

“Yeah,” he whispered. “Yeah, he does.” 

And despite whatever was going on right now, he had to remember that, Junsu loved him. He knew it. Whatever it was, they were going to make it through. Once Junsu would finally talk to him. 

“UUUGHGGH!” she wailed, throwing herself back on the bed. “It all makes sense now, you guys were practically making googly eyes at each other last night. And then…  _ and then  _ you almost called him babe, didn’t you? I thought I heard that! But I convinced myself no.” 

He considered, wiggling his head from side to side — she didn’t seem to be having a bad reaction to the news her brother was dating a man. From her… gleeful laugh, it seemed as though she might be reveling in the idea, so he decided to test the water a bit. 

“Baby actually,” he said with a smug smile. “He likes it when I call him baby.” 

“Baby? You call Xia Junsu  _ baby _ ?” she squealed. “My dorkball brother is dating the sexiest man alive? My dorkball brother stole Xia Junsu from me? How is that allowed?” 

“As you never met him before now and are married with a kid, something tells me you never really had much of a chance with Junsu anyway,” he said. 

“You never know,” she said. “We could have met. We could have fallen in love. We could have done… things. You better believe if Xia Junsu wagged his little finger at me, I’d run in a second. Maybe…” she made a show of pretending to think about it, “maybe if I tell him all sorts of embarrassing stories about you, he’ll become disgusted and will need a shoulder to lean on.” 

“Hye Yeun, Junsu is gay. If he needs a shoulder to lean on, it still wouldn’t be yours.” 

She pouted, thrusting out her lower lip until it almost reached her chin. 

“Way to burst a girl’s bubble,” she said. 

A sense of relief flooded him. He hadn’t even realized he’d been so worried about what his family would say until this moment, and now he felt silly. He should have trusted in his sister more. But still…

“You don’t…” he paused, clearing his throat. “You don’t have a problem with it?” 

“With what? Not being with Junsu? Man… I guess I’ll live. But you’re going to owe me big time, stealing my ultimate bias from me.” 

“No, weirdo. The… gay thing. You don’t have a problem that I’m… with a man?” 

Instantly she screwed a face at him. “What do you think this is? The Joseon Dynasty? Boys like boys, girls like girls, no big fucking deal.” 

“Not everyone thinks that way,” he said. 

“Well. Not everyone is as cool as I am,” she said. 

“If it gets out… my career is ruined,” he said. 

“Then don’t let it get out.” 

“You figured it out,” he pointed out, still having trouble with the idea that his sister was completely fine with him dating a man. 

“Yeah, but I’m smarter than most people.” 

He took a deep breath and then asked the harder question. “What about… what about mom?” he asked. 

She sobered, inching forward on her knees, and came over to kneel by him, taking his hand in hers. 

“I don’t know,” she said, lifting the side of her mouth in a half smile. “I’d like to think Mom will be okay with it, but… I can’t tell you how she’d react at first.” 

“At first?” he latched onto the idea hopefully.  

“At first. She may be upset when you tell her, it may be a shock, but you know what you need to remember?” 

“What?” he asked. 

“You better believe Mama Choi loves us and has our backs. Always.” She smiled brightly. “She has to, we sprung forth from her loins.” 

Seung Hyun thought about Junsu and  _ his _ mother, their relationship. 

“Not every mother is like that,” he said, sadly.

She gripped his hand hard. “I’m a mom. You better believe I’m going to love my kid no matter what.”

“Yes, but you are smarter than most people,” he mimicked her. 

“ _ Now _ you admit it.” Rolling her eyes, she laughed. “And since our mom raised us, something tells me it’s gonna be okay, Seung Hyun-ah.” 

He let her comment wash over him, hoping that what she said was true. 

“Now, you should probably go and find your man,” she said. 

“What about Yeon Jun?” he asked, remembering the promise he made to his nephew to have breakfast with them in the morning.

“My kid will keep. Something tells me your pathetic love life won’t.” 

**********

Slipping through the quiet streets of Seoul (one of the only perks of being out this early in the morning was the manageable traffic) he thought about calling Yoochun again but decided better of it. Technically, he didn’t actually know that anything was wrong, and he’d hate to alarm anyone without reason. And he had a feeling no good would come from calling Yoochun at six thirty in the morning. 

Pulling in front of Junsu’s building, Seung Hyun parked the car and strode into the lobby and towards the elevator bank. 

“Hey!” a voice called out to him, he looked over to see the same security guard sitting at the desk from that last embarrassing visit. 

“Coffee is yummy,” he called out the code that Junsu gave him, not bothering to stop. 

“So?” the man said with a shrug. “Who are you here to see?” 

Taking a deep breath to calm himself, Seung Hyun stopped and turned towards the man who seemed to be making his life work to be a pain in his ass. 

“Kim Junsu? Eighth Floor?” he said slowly, playing along. “We went through this like two weeks ago. I have the passcode. Let me up.” 

“There’s no Kim Junsu here,” the man said, cockily. 

“Yeah. There is,” Seung Hyun said, his irritation growing.

The man made a show of looking at his clipboard, looking up and down one page, and then another. 

“Nope, no Kim Junsu here,” he said tossing the clipboard to the counter. “Maybe you have the wrong building?” 

Seung Hyun could literally feel the exact moment when his temper snapped like it was a physical thing. He leaned over the desk. “I don’t know why you seem to like riding my ass, but I need to see Junsu. I have the password, I’m going up.” 

“No, you’re not,” the man said. 

“ _ Why _ ?” Seung Hyun asked, exasperated and done with this man. 

“He doesn’t live here anymore.” 

“What are you talking about? I saw him here like two weeks ago,” he said. 

The man smiled, smug. “Have you ever thought maybe you’re not as good friends as you think you are? He moved out like three days ago.” 

“What do you mean, moved out?” 

“He moved out. Can’t make it any simpler than that. He moved out, and his mother rented out the apartment the next day. She made a nice little profit on it too, guess lots of people want to live in Kim Junsu’s apartment.” 

Seung Hyun just stared at the man. Junsu had moved out? He didn’t live here any longer? Why didn’t he tell him? What the  _ fuck  _ was going on? 

“Any idea where he went?” he asked the man, shoving hand through his hair.  

“Do I look like I’m buddies with the people who live here?” the man asked. 

“Just, anything,” Seung Hyun said, humbly,  looked the man in the eye, putting all his need into his eyes, willing this man to realize just how important this was to him. He didn’t know what else to do. “Anything. Please.” 

Studying him, the man shook his head. “No, sorry. I just know one day he was here and the next he was gone.” 

Realizing he wasn’t going to get any further with him, Seung Hyun bowed. “Thank you.” He paused and reached over, grabbing a pen from the desk and scribbled his number on the clipboard. “If you hear anything more, please call me. It’s important.” 

The man looked down at the scrawled number and back to Seung Hyun before tearing off the edge of the paper with his number on it and tucking it in his pocket. 

“Okay,” he said. “But only because of Junsu-shi. He seemed upside the last time I saw him. I used to watch his cats in return for tickets to… concerts. I’d hate to see something bad happen to him.” 

“Thank you,” Seung Hyun said before turning and striding out of the ornate lobby. He slid his sunglasses onto his face, to block out the strong morning rays, while his mind whirled. Last time he saw Junsu he was upset. Junsu didn’t live here anymore. 

Seung Hyun had thought he was worried before when he couldn’t reach Junsu, but part of him thought he was just being silly and overprotective. But now? He realized whatever was going on was bigger than he expected, and suddenly he was scared. He had a dread in his stomach that he was in the process of losing Junsu, and he didn’t even know why. 

But he was going to find out. 

  
  
  



	52. So Much For Better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seung Hyun is stuck in Thailand while his heart is stuck in Korea.

 

The crowd roared around them, deafening in its pleasure. The bright stage lights swung madly, blinding him whenever he looked the wrong way. The confetti rained down over them, covering the stage with brightly colored strips of plastic. Seungri and Taeyang ran around the stage posing for pictures, bending down, collecting a handful before throwing it at the other members. T.O.P looked coolly over the crowd, stopping here and there, allowing the fans to take his picture, periodically deigning to throw out a pair of finger hearts. He dabbed at the heavy layer of sweat beading at his brow with the MADE towel before throwing it out into the crowd to the delight of the fangirls. He smirked as he watched two girls fight over the towel, only to be escorted out by security. Undeterred, he did it again, threw it out, a sense of power and euphoria rushing through his veins.

T.O.P was in his element. An excellent concert behind them, his ears still ringing with the sounds of the heavy beats over the speakers. The crowd had been amazing, many of them camping out in order to get a chance at a space nearest the stage. The giant stadium was filled with thousands of shining yellow stars, waving at them. It was a good show.

Luckily, Seungri and Taeyang had sensed his mood over the last few days and left him out of the confetti fight. Left him out of the usual end of concert stage pranks — which he was thankful for. He preferred to be on his own, entertaining the crowd in his own expected, aloof way. It was what the fans craved, and he thanked them for it, staring out at a distant spot in the crowd and giving a deliberate wink.

He dabbed again at the sweat on his face, the lights and the exertion from the performance yanking up his internal temperature to something right below boiling. Careful to dab and not smear, not to transfer the heavy layer of stage makeup he wore onto the towel, he threw it out again to the cheers of the crowd. Two performances down, one more to go.

Just one more day and he can get back to Seoul. To Junsu.

No. He forced the thought out of his mind as he felt himself begin to close in, no thinking of… anything while he was on stage. Seung Hyun was backstage. These fans had come here from near and far to see T.O.P, had paid hard earned money to see a good performance, and that was exactly what they deserved. He tucked his thoughts away and threw out another finger heart.

They got the signal from the director that it was time to start wrapping it up, that it was almost time for the concert to end despite the wails from the crowd. Ji Yong headed over from stage right where he was posing with Taeyang and sauntered over to T.O.P’s side and threw his arm over his shoulder. They smiled and posed for the crowd, draped over each other, like some fanfic writer’s wet dream.

“You okay?” Ji Yong whispered into his ear.

“Not now, Ji,” he said throwing another wink to the crowd, tugging Ji Yong closer.

Ji Yong simply nodded and turned back to the crowd waving broadly before ducking down, tugging T.O.P with him, and posing for the film crew.

He could feel the tired start to settle in. The nights of performances on top of the nights of not sleeping beginning to take their toll. He willed them away for just a few more minutes until he could get safely off the stage and into the greenroom. It was all he needed was a few more minutes.

“Ooof.” His air was pushed out of him as he was dive-bombed from the back by a sweaty, shirtless, laughing Seungri. He played along for a moment until he stood and dumped his disgusting bandmate off him. Seungri simply laughed, pointing up at him his glee. T.O.P pretended to step on him before walking off, waving to the crowd one more time and strolling off the stage.

Safely out of the sight of the fans, Seung Hyun wearily tugged the earpieces from his ears and rubbed his eyes, the colored contacts burning. Smiling his thanks, he grabbed the bottle of water one of the aids handed him and, checking to make sure the cap was factory sealed, twisted it open and gulped it down, emptying it easily.

Handing the now empty bottle back to the staff member, he made his way through the crowd to the greenroom, where he swore tonight he was going to get the shower first. He was swimming in sweat, and the heavy stage makeup felt slimy on his skin.

“Good show tonight, Seung Hyun.” He startled to see Ji Yong now walking beside him, sucking down his own bottle of water.

Seung Hyun studied him, checking for any signs of exhaustion, of him overdoing it again. 

“You okay?” he asked.

“Yeah.” Ji Yong smiled at him. “It’s easier on me since we changed the set list.”

“Good.” Seung Hyun bowed his head at some of the concert organizers he’d been introduced to earlier that night.

“Any word?” Ji Yong asked.

“No,” Seung Hyun said shortly.

Three days and no word from Junsu. He didn’t pick up his phone, he didn’t look at his texts. Seung Hyun couldn’t decide, from moment to moment, whether he was scared or pissed. No matter what happened, did Junsu really think he could walk away from him without a word? Not even a fucking text that said, so long it’s been fun? He wasn’t sure what was going on, but he was pretty sure he fucking deserved even that.

But he desperately wanted Junsu to just answer him, to tell him something was wrong or to just tell him to piss off, so he knew he was out there, that he was okay. As Junsu was such a big star, at least Seung Hyun knew that Junsu was physically okay, as if he weren’t, the media would make sure that he — and the rest of the world — knew he wasn’t. So he took small satisfaction in that.

And it wasn’t as though he hadn’t seen Junsu in these last few days. No, thanks to the media again, he’d seen his face. He knew exactly where Junsu was. The previews for  _ Death Note _ had begun this weekend, and the publicity for it was strong. He saw Junsu, pale-faced, with dark circles under his eyes — from the heavy makeup for his character L, Seung Hyun told himself.

“Come on man,” Ji Yong said. “Let’s get this makeup off, then go get shit-faced.”

Seung Hyun nodded. Ji Yong. The maker of plans.

**********

He slugged back the drink, looking at the table that was littered with bottles, shot glasses, and Thai junk food.

“Shhh… don’t tell Hwangsabu.” he slurred.

“Tell him what?” Ji Yong asked, tipping back his own drink.

“’Sactly, sshhhh…” Seung Hyun focused hard and was finally able to make his hand move the way he wanted it to and put his finger to his lips. “Don’t wanna do squats.”

“We burned off those calories, man. We’re good.”

“Good,” Seung Hyun mumbled into his finger. 

He sat back in the deep couch, situated in a dark corner of the VIP area of the club Ji Yong had found. Somewhere out on the dance floor, the other members danced. The heavy beat of the music thumped through him, adding to the beat going on in his head. He was pretty sure he was going to regret tonight a lot in the light of day, but he couldn’t really bring himself to care.

“So,” Ji Yong scooted closer in his chair, “no word?”

Seung Hyun peered through the bottles on the table, picking up empties, putting them down, until he came across a half empty bottle of soju and poured himself another round. “I have lots of words. Wooooords.”

“I meant Junsu,” Ji Yong said, rolling his eyes before grabbing the bottle from Seung Hyun and putting it down with a thump on his own side of the table. “Junsu. Remember him? Cute little bunny you like to kissy face with?”

“Hah,” Seung Hyun snorted, “sister said same thing.”

“Your sister knows?” Ji Yong asked, surprised. “When did you tell her?”

“Guessed. Apparently, I’m a book.”

“A book?”

“Open. A book. Open.” He looked through the bottles on the table again but this time only found empties. Shaking his head to clear it, he caught the eye of the waitress as she passed.

“What can I get for you?” she asked, leaning down, her low cut shirt and her come-hither eyes telling them exactly what she’d like to get for them. As they were there, he studied the display of her breasts. Waiting to feel… something. Anything. It wasn’t like he had been a social butterfly before Junsu, but he’d dated women before. Found them attractive. He’d even had sex with a few. He’d never in his life desired a woman as much as he had Junsu, with his slender, muscled form, his long, blunt fingers, and lips, lips he could make out for hours with. 

Before Seung Hyun could put his thoughts together enough to make words come out, Ji Yong shook his head and waved the woman away. “No, he’s officially cut off. If you could get us some Americano’s?”

The woman huffed and pouted. “We don’t sell Americanos here.”

Ji Yong wiggled his hips forward in the chair and pried his wallet out of his back pocket. Pulling out a wad of bills, he handed them over to the woman. 

“I’m sure somewhere you can find us some Americanos. And some bottled water.” 

Throwing her a patented G-Dragon smile, he waved her away.

Seung Hyun let his head fall to the back of the couch, unable to hold it up for a minute longer. “Junsu likes Americanos.”

“The way you were ogling that waitress, I thought you’d forgotten all about Junsu,” Ji Yong said.

Seung Hyun’s head bounced back up, and he stared at the three Ji Yongs who were staring back at him. He shook his head to clear it, and thankfully, they merged back into one irritated Ji Yong. 

“Oooogling?” he asked, stumbling over the word as he tried to make his tongue work the way he wanted it to. He tried again. “Oooghling?”

“Yeah. Staring at that lady’s boobs?”

“Was thinking about Junsu,” he said.

“You were thinking about Junsu as you were looking down that woman’s shirt?” Ji Yong asked, confused. Unzipping the bag he carried with him, he pulled out a packet of cigarettes and tapped one out. As he fished through the bag for a lighter, Seung Hyun lurched forward, grabbed the cigarette from him and dropped it into one of the half drunk glasses. They both watched it bob until it floated to the top.

“What the fuck was that for?” he asked, irritated.

“Junsu doesn’t want me to smoke,” Seung Hyun said.

“One, Junsu isn’t here and two, I’m not you. I’m not the one Junsu doesn’t want to smoke.” He tapped out another cigarette, and Seung Hyun grabbed that one too, but Ji Yong was ready for him and tried to wrestle it away, only to snap it in half.

“Junsu says no smoking.”

Ji Yong narrowed his eyes at Seung Hyun and, with a sigh, tossed the pack back into his bag, zipping it up before Seung Hyun could grab it away from him. 

“You are so fucking whipped. Now, can you try and explain how in your addled brain you were thinking of Junsu while looking down that woman’s shirt?”

Seung Hyun shrugged his shoulders. “Junsu doesn’t have breasts.”

Ji Yong snorted and laughed so hard he began to cough. “I’ve noticed. So?”

“Always thought I liked boobs. You know…” he leaned in closer to Ji Yong and waved him forward. Humoring him, Ji Yong leaned in closer. “Lady parts.” In an exaggerated motion, he gestured down to Ji Yong’s crotch before leering at him. “Lady parts.”

Ji Yong no longer made any attempt to hide his laughter, laughing so hard people from the dance floor heard and looked up at the darkened VIP area to see if they could see what was going on. Seung Hyun ducked back deeper into his cushion just in case anyone could make him out.

“What are you? Five? Lady parts?” Ji Yong tried to stop laughing, wiping the tears that seeped from his eyes.

Seung Hyun simply shrugged. “I dated girls.”

“Not many,” Ji Yong said. “It was what? One? Two?”

Rolling his eyes up, Seung Hyun thought back, trying to think. “Hey! It was three. And a half.”

“Half a girl? How did you date half a girl?” Ji Yong snorted.

Seung Hyun waved the question away. “Doesn’t matter. Never though.”

“Never what?”

“Never felt anything for those girls like I do for Junsu.”

“Well. Duh. You love Junsu.”

Seung Hyun thought about it for a moment and shook his head. “No. Before that. I mean boobs are nice. But Junsu?” He moved over on the couch and patted the empty cushion next to him, waving Ji Yong over. When Ji Yong just looked at him with a raised eyebrow, Seung Hyun thumped harder on the cushion. “Come here. It’s a secret.”

Shaking his head, Ji Yong hauled himself up out of his chair and, rounding the table, sat next to Seung Hyun. “What’s the secret?” he asked.

“Secret?”

“Yeah, Drunky, your secret about Junsu?”

“Oh.” He let his eyes drift shut and he smiled, bringing up a picture of Junsu. Junsu. Junsu. Junsu. He was so pretty and Seung Hyun missed him so much. Why wouldn’t he answer his phone? Was he sad? Was he sleeping right? Was he eating enough? Did he need a snuggle? He probably did. Junsu always needed a snuggle.

“Are you passing out? I’m not dragging your ass out of here,” Ji Yong said, shaking him by the shoulder.

“What? No.” He looked over to where Ji Yong sat next to him. “Why are you sitting over here?” he asked, confused.

“The secret? About Junsu?” Ji Yong said.

“You know the secret about Junsu? Where is he? Where is Junsu? Is he here?” He lurched forward to look over the railing to where the mass of people below them writhed in time to the music. Ji Yong grabbed hold of his arm and yanked him back down.

“Junsu’s not here. The secret about why boobs make you think of Junsu?”

Seung Hyun opened his eyes wide, remembering. “Right!” He settled back into the couch and threw his arm around Ji Yong. “Boobs are okay, but Junsu? He’s so… with that body, and his fingers…”

“His fingers?” Ji Yong asked, but Seung Hyun went right on.

“He so thin but has these muscles…”

Ji Yong made a face, waving his hand in front of Seung Hyun. “Can we be done now?”

“And his lips. His lips are so pretty, Ji Yong. With the saying of words and the kissing.” He closed his eyes, watching those lips move when they smiled, when they spoke, as they moved while he ate, as they felt against his when they kissed.

“And his ass.”

“And we’re done,” Ji Yong said.

“No, Ji Yong, wait. Have you seen Junsu’s ass? I’ll take Junsu’s ass over boobs any day. I’ll take Junsu’s ass over all the boobs in this room!” he said loudly, trying to be heard over the music, so that anyone here would know not to bother him, would know that they were inferior to what he had at home.  

What he had at home.

What he didn’t have anymore.

“Let me tell you Ji Yong,” he said sadly. “Not a single woman I’ve ever been with could make me as hard as fast as Junsu can with just his smile.”

“I want to say awww… but really ew. Stop. People are looking at us,” Ji Yong whispered.

The waitress came back to their table with a busboy in tow, who made quick work of clearing their table. In its place, she put down steaming to go cups of coffee and bottles of water. “Grande Americanos.”

“Thanks,” Ji Yong said and handed her another bill. “Appreciate it.”

“I don’t want to sleep with you,” Seung Hyun mumbled.

She frowned at them. “What?”

“He wants to thank you. He’s a big fan of Americanos.”

“Oh. Okay. Well. You’re welcome. If you need anything else…” she trailed off, giving side-eye to Seung Hyun.

Ji Yong smiled brightly. “We’ll let you know.”

Seung Hyun stared down at the steaming coffees in front of them. Once the waitress was gone, Ji Yong grabbed one and handed it to Seung Hyun. “Drink this. Please sober up.”

He took a sip, and the hot, bitter liquid scalded his tongue, the pain finally beginning to clear through the haze of alcohol. He sipped it again and again, until the coffee was half gone and he was fairly certain he wasn’t going to taste things for a week.

“I miss him,” he said, looking down at the coffee that was Junsu’s weakness. The beverage that, if he could, he’d mainline right into his bloodstream. “I miss him. I’m pissed at him. But I miss him.” 

He tried not to think about what had to be going on in Junsu’s brain right now. Tried not to think about whatever had happened that had made him run so scared because if he thought too much about it, he’d never make it through these concerts.

“Any idea where he is?” Ji Yong asked.

“On the stage,” Seung Hyun replied. “Previews started for  _ Death Note _ . He’s there. I saw him.”

“When did you see him?” Ji Yong asked. “You’ve been with us the whole time.”

“Internet.” He didn’t tell Ji Yong how he’d spent his time searching Naver for mentions of Junsu, desperately looking for some mention of him, some clue as to where he was or what happened. “Opening night. He looked tired.” He tried to tell himself it was the makeup, but just as he knew every smile, Seung Hyun could see the weariness in his eyes. Could see just how thin his face had gotten and, despite his anger at Junsu, his frustration, he wanted to be there for him. To support him. Before he strangled him.

“Are you… crying,” Ji Yong asked, horrified.

Seung Hyun blinked his eyes hard, willing the moisture away. “No. I just… got something in my eye.”

“Both of them?” Ji Yong asked.

Seung Hyun ignored him and set the cup down, not able to drink anymore. Instead, he grabbed the bottle of water and chugged it, realization peeking through the haze, knowing just how trashed he was and knowing he needed to flush the alcohol from his system as soon as possible if he had any chance at not dying from a hangover tomorrow.

“So what are you going to do?” Ji Yong asked. “About Junsu?”

“Gonna find him.” There was no question about that. Whether Junsu wanted him to or not. 

“And?”

“Yell at him… then I'll probably kiss him.” He thought about it and shrugged. “Then probably yell at him again.”

“Well,” Ji Yong smirked, sipping on the steaming coffee. “That sounds like a plan.”

  
  



	53. One Step Forward...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Before Seung Hyun can fix someone else, he needs to work on himself.

Exhausted, Seung Hyun rubbed a hand over the back of his neck. The concerts in Thailand were finally done. They had just a few days off before they had to set off for the next country. China? Australia? He didn't even know anymore.

But that was something to worry about in a few days.

Now? Now, he had other, more pressing things on his mind. Things that had never left his mind in his time away, things that he couldn't even drown away with alcohol.

Junsu.

The heat of his water beat down on him, the steam filling the shower, warming Seung Hyun, washing away some of the weariness of the last few days. Which was good. Exactly what he needed, he thought, lifting his head against the spray before grabbing the soap and aggressively scrubbing at his skin. 

Tonight? He was off to find Junsu. Tonight, he was determined, tonight they would have it out for better or worse.

Six days.

It had been six days since he'd last heard from Junsu. Six days since he'd run away for whatever reason was running around in his head. Six days since he decided to cut Seung Hyun out of his life. And if Junsu thought Seung Hyun was just going to wash it off, shrug his shoulders and go on with his life, then he had another fucking thing coming. They didn't come this far just for Junsu to throw it all away.

Like it was nothing.

_ Fuck that, _ Seung Hyun thought and washed away the suds. No, he thought of the ticket sitting on his dresser. No, tonight, he would go to Junsu, and he would make him talk to him.

Flicking off the knob with a hard twist, Seung Hyun reached past the curtain and grabbed the large, thick towel from the warming rack and briskly dried himself off. Then, as was his habit, he tossed the towel in the direction of the hamper and grabbed for the heavy, terry cloth bathrobe he knew waited for him right next to the towels. He shrugged into it, fighting the material against his still damp skin until it was correctly in place and then firmly tied the tie around his waist, tugging the neckline until it was tucked right up to his neck. Only then, sure that no skin showed, did he climb out of the shower and into the foggy bathroom. He stood in front of the fogged mirror, unable to see himself, as he carefully crafted his hair from memory.

Junsu loved it when he wore his hair up and in a pompadour, telling him it set off the classic lines of Seung Hyun’s face. Seung Hyun would always brush it off or awkwardly change the subject, but inside he was pleased. He reveled in the fact that he had the same effect on Junsu as Junsu had on him. So often, it felt as though Junsu had the upper hand in their relationship, he was the cool one who knew what he wanted, knew who he was, the one who put up with Seung Hyun’s shit. While Junsu had told him time and again how he felt for Seun Hyun, how much he was attracted to him, there was part of Seung Hyun — a big part of him — that just never believed him. That looked at himself, that viewed Junsu’s feelings and opinions through his own skewed perspective.

He didn’t believe in himself and, therefore, neither would he allow Junsu.

Going through the products that lined the sink, he unearthed the one he'd found for his hair in a tiny shop in Milan. The one which held the hair but didn't make it crunchy and hard to the touch. Junsu loved that too. There were those few quiet times together — too few now that he looked back at the landscape of their relationship — where they sat and Junsu slowly stroked his fingers through his hair. The delicate strokes, Junsu’s broad nails scratching lightly along his scalp making tingles run down Seung Hyun’s back until he felt self-conscious and found some reason to get up or move. He was so fucking stupid sometimes.

He combed the product through his hair, frowning at the foggy mirror. He couldn't see himself — couldn't see what he was doing. Yes, he'd done this hairstyle so many times he could almost do it in his sleep, but tonight was different. Tonight it had to be perfect. He had to be perfect.

Taking a deep breath, he pulled the sleeve of the bathrobe over his hand and, after a final pause, rubbed it over the mirror, revealing himself —  a streaky, smeared version of himself, but it was a step. He studied his reflection. Looked at the man in front of him, a man who was so wrapped up that only the skin of his face showed. A man hiding from his flaws.

Attempting to avoid the reflection, he raised his hands to fix his hair, to smooth it perfectly in place. To make himself as perfect as he could. Because Junsu deserved perfection. Junsu deserved a boyfriend who wasn't flawed, who didn't need to hide underneath that heavy armor of bathrobe.

Junsu had said he hadn't wanted perfection. Had said he thought Seung Hyun was perfect the way he was. But that Junsu had left him, hadn't he? Had run away without a word, leaving Seung Hyun damaged and alone.

No. Seung Hyun thought. No. Not anymore. He wasn't going to let himself think like that anymore. If Junsu had taught him anything during their time together, he knew he deserved to think better of himself. To be kinder to himself.

Even if it fucking killed him.

With a shaky breath, Seung Hyun closed his eyes and slowly tugged loose the bathrobe, then he breathed again before shrugging it off, letting it fall to the floor in a puddle at his feet. The chilled air hit his skin, and he shuddered, still keeping his eyes tightly closed.

He thought about Junsu, how he looked at him — like he was the most desirable person he'd ever seen. The sadness in his eyes when he realized just when Seung Hyun's thoughts turned to self-hatred. He thought about himself, how much happier he was now — what he'd said to his mother was right — he'd been unhealthy then. That was all. There hadn't been anything wrong with him. He was unhealthy then, but he was healthy and strong now. He was fucking T.O.P. He dared anyone to laugh at him or look down on him.

But it was Seung Hyun who was afraid to look in the mirror. Seung Hyun didn't even exist to T.O.P. Seung Hyun was the one who had to live with himself and his choices every day. And Seung Hyun thought it was time to stop hiding.

Steeling himself, he gave one more long breath and opened his eyes.

**********

Pulling into the parking lot of the smallish theater just outside Seoul, Seung Hyun took a deep breath as he studied the giant banner with Junsu’s face looking back at him. A sense of déjà vu slammed into him, and he realized he’d been in this position before. Stalking Junsu outside of an event, trying to get him to talk to him, trying to make him understand. This time, though, it was Seung Hyun who had to be made to understand, to understand what was going on with Junsu, understand what, exactly, he needed to do to make things right, to get Junsu right back where he belonged — by Seung Hyun’s side.

Climbing out of the car, he straightened the expensive suit he wore, adjusted the perfectly starched cuffs, making sure his armor was firmly in place. He strode towards the event, ignoring the stares of the other theatergoers. He wasn’t going to hide himself tonight. Stars went to the theater. His friend Junsu was the star no one would question — but even if they hadn’t laid that groundwork down, he still wouldn’t put on a mask, wouldn’t slip in through a side door — no, tonight he needed to be there for Junsu, with no artifice, with no lies.

He handed his ticket, the ticket he’d had now for over a month — a ticket he’d bought the same day they went on sale — to the ticket taker and strode to his seat, close to the stage. He’d left it late enough that the theater was already dark, the show about to start.

Nodding to his seatmates, he settled in, fiddling with the program he’d been given, flipping through it as though he hadn’t seen the thing already, as though Junsu hadn’t shown it to him the day the mock-up had been sent to him.

The lights went out, and the stage lights rose to the thundering applause of the crowd, Seung Hyun included. He sat back and waited, trying to pay attention to the plot but knowing he was only waiting for that moment Junsu would come out, waiting for that moment he and Junsu would be in the same room again.

Then, there he was, standing on stage, shining like a beautiful thing. Seung Hyun breathed a relieved breath, thankful in the knowledge that Junsu was, indeed, all right.

He tried, very hard, to stamp down the bitterness he felt raise its head. Like his system was saying,  _ okay now that we see he’s okay, it’s alright to be pissed. _ He tried to hold onto the pride for the good job that Junsu was doing, as he was, of course, amazing. Irritatingly so.

_ Focus, Seung Hyun, focus. _

Drumming his fingers on the armrests of the chairs, he watched the show and stewed. The older woman next to him shot him an annoyed glance, making a chiding noise under her tongue and, reluctantly, he pulled his hands off the armrests and crossed them tightly in front of him, attempting not to distract anyone else around him. Mentally, he ticked off the plot points, trying to figure out how much time was left, how much longer he had to sit there watching Junsu on stage, singing, acting, being all fucking beautiful despite the makeup he wore as L.

He debated on whether or not to go backstage to confront Junsu after the death of L — afraid he would escape before he could get to him — but kept his ass in the seat once he remembered Junsu would have to stick around for the last curtain calls — and, despite his dark mood — he didn’t want word to get around that someone left before the show was done.  _ Death Note _ was still in previews, and he didn’t want to be responsible for hurting its reputation.

So he sat there, feigning interest in what was going on in front of him. Pretending to watch the show, when in his head all he was doing was rehearsing the words he would say to Junsu once he saw him. Once they were face-to-face again.

Finally, the curtain sank down on the final bow, and Seung Hyun shot out of his seat, maneuvered around the others in his row, and bolted as fast as he could out of the theater to begin his vigil at the back door. Waiting for Junsu to emerge, waiting for the moment he’d been dreading for the last week.

Bowing politely to others as they came out the door, he waited. And waited. Worrying that there might be some other exit Junsu had slipped out of.

Waiting for Junsu. Another constant of their relationship.

The sky was dark, and the lights of the parking lot turned on — and still, he stood there. The clouds that had been threatening throughout the day opened up and the rain came down, slowly soaking through his coat to the suit below, his perfectly sculpted hair falling down his forehead in wet dripping spikes — and still, he stood there.

The door opened and there he was. Bare of makeup, his face shiny with the remnants of the cream used to remove the heavy stage color. Seung Hyun’s heart tugged hard when he saw that he’d been right, the tired, pale stage makeup, with its heavy dark circles, only covered the real thing.

Junsu’s head was bent, hanging tired and low as the people around him chattered on. One of them held an umbrella high over Junsu, protecting him from the rain, and Seung Hyun recognized Junsu’s bodyguard, someone who followed him when Junsu's schedule had him being a public face. Someone Junsu liked and trusted, but still only wanted to have him there when he thought it was necessary for his safety. Probably a good thing he was there, Seung Hyun thought, as Junsu’s safety was definitely about to be compromised.

He strode forward meeting them at the gate, his jaw set, his arms crossed, and waited for Junsu to notice him.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys! So close to the end! I can't even believe it. 
> 
> So, bad news. You've now caught up to me! I've been writing on a week by week basis for a bit and unfortunately, next weekend is KCON, so there won't be a new chapter, but I'll be back next week the week after. 
> 
> Good News? If you are going to KCON, I'm going to be moderating a panel on Fanfiction! Come by and give it a listen. :) 
> 
> Fanfiction: Your Ugly Little Secret   
> 12:30 – 1:30PM  
> Panel 501A (Capacity ~90)


	54. The Only Place You Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seung Hyun finally tracks down Junsu and Junsu realizes that running was never a thing that really worked for them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the no post last week guys, I was taken out by a Kdrama-like sickness. On the mend now means we're back on the road to finishing up Topsu. Not sure what I'm going to do with myself now that we're at the end...

Junsu wondered if he could just sleep walk. If his body would even notice if he just closed his eyes and went to sleep if it would just continue on autopilot. His bodyguard would probably make sure he kept moving in a straight line, at least; make sure he got from one appointment to another. Did he have anything else on his schedule today? His brain was so tired, he wasn’t even sure anymore. Maybe he was asleep. Maybe he’d already drifted off and no one told him. 

He stumbled on the path, and his bodyguard, Wonsik caught him, hauling him up by his arm until Junsu was steady on his feet once more.

 

Tiredly, he nodded his thanks to Wonsik and forced his eyes wider. Pay attention, Junsu, pay attention. Maybe this was it for the day, maybe his day was done, and he could go home and sleep. Just lay on his bed, curled up in a ball and stay there until tomorrow came. That was a good plan he thought. Good plan. 

Except he didn’t have a home, he reminded himself. He didn’t have a home, and he knew without a shadow of a doubt that if he lay down in the middle of that big bed, his mind would start up again, harassing him with things he didn't want to think about — didn’t want to remember — until he had to get up, to move, to push those thoughts and memories out. It wasn’t a great plan, but it had been working for him this week. 

And he did have a home. Or, he had Jaejoong’s home. When he’d left his parents house that night, he’d known exactly where he could go without anyone questioning him. He’d had Jaejoong’s password for years, they all had each other’s passcodes, and Jaejoong had asked him to watch over his house while he was gone. Of course, he hadn’t probably meant for Junsu to keep such a close eye on it, but that didn’t matter. He knew that if he’d told Jaejoong about his situation if he’d mentioned it to Yoochun, they’d have insisted on his staying in one of their homes. Had taken it as a matter of course that he would be there. 

Part of him wished he could talk to Yoochun, to Jaejoong, about this, but he realized he wasn’t ready to talk to anyone. He felt as though giant pieces of him were just flying off at random, and he was afraid that sharing just might hurry along the process. Plus, he could only see the conversation going one of two ways, they support his position in breaking up with Seung Hyun, which he certainly wasn’t ready to hear, wasn’t ready to face the verbal agreement that they were never meant to have been together, that they had told him so.

Or worse, that they didn’t agree. That they thought he was being stupid and irrational, which he couldn’t hear because he was just on this side of agreeing with them. That throwing himself at Seung Hyun’s feet and apologizing, begging his forgiveness, was the obvious answer. 

And this is why he didn’t sleep at night. 

Wonsik yanked at his arm, pulling Junsu to a stop. Shaking his head, Junsu blinked hard and focused on the path in front of them. Had he been about to run into something again? 

He looked at the shiny, black shoes standing in front of him. Or someone? 

Blearily, he looked up, past the long legs, the ornate overcoat, and froze, his heart leaping hard and his knees buckling. Seung Hyun. 

He stared at the man in front of him. The one who, despite his clearly pissed off attitude, still had Junsu’s heart clutched tightly in his hand. His face was a grim mask, with a set jaw, dark eyes and lips so tight, Junsu could barely recall them ever smiling at him. 

Unable to resist, he stepped backward, first one step and then another, slipping his arm away from Wonsik’s. 

Seung Hyun just stood there, watching. Studying him with that hard un-Seung-Hyun-like face that scared him. Wonsik looked from Junsu to Seung Hyun, gauging the situation before slipping himself neatly between the two. 

“Sorry, sir, Junsu isn’t doing any autographs right now,” he said as if he’d never seen Seung Hyun before. 

Junsu ducked his head, unable to look Seung Hyun in the eye. Deep down inside, he’d known that Seung Hyun would come for him. That he wouldn’t allow Junsu just to slip away like they had never happened, never existed. It was time for them to have the closure that Seung Hyun deserved and that Junsu dreaded most in his heart. 

“Junsu.” Junsu closed his eyes at the sound of Seung Hyun’s voice, at the sound of his name on his tongue. “I’m not leaving until you talk to me, so we do this here, in front of everyone, or you come with me right now.” 

He took a deep breath to steady himself. Yes. This was about to happen. There was no way around it. “Okay,” he said, stepping around Wonsik. “Okay.”

“Management set you up with a meeting with the sailboat people tonight, Junsu,” Manager Oh warned. 

“No, Junsu is done for the night,” Seung Hyun said. 

“Hey! T.O.P-shi, I don’t know who you think you are, but you’re not in charge of Junsu’s schedule. You have no say in what goes on here.”

“Someone needs to say something,” Seung Hyun said. “Look at him, he’s literally about to drop where he stands.” 

Perhaps three minutes ago, that would have been true, but now, sleep was the furthest thing from Junsu’s mind. 

“Junsu-shi  is the one who set up this schedule.” 

“And if you’re dumb enough not to realize when Junsu-shi’s pushing himself too hard, then maybe you shouldn’t be the one in charge of him,” Seung Hyun snapped. 

“Oh, and you should be?” he asked. “Junsu, let’s go, we’re going to be late.” 

Reaching out, Seung Hyun grabbed Junsu’s wrist and pulled him towards him, away from his team. “If this is you guys taking care of him, then yeah, I’m going to be in charge of him.” 

“Hey!” Manager Oh snapped. 

Seung Hyun glared hard at the older man, daring him to go against him. “Junsu is busy tonight, so you best start making your calls.” 

He turned and tugged Junsu along behind him, towards the rows of cars glowing in the overhead lights of the parking area. The gravel crunched loudly beneath their feet, echoing through the lot. Junsu looked back towards at his shocked team and ducked his head in apology. 

“Please apologize and reschedule,” he croaked out before Seung Hyun had them out of hearing distance. 

Seung Hyun stared straight ahead, his jaw set, not looking or speaking to Junsu. Not giving any hint of what he was thinking or feeling. Only foreboding. 

“Seung Hyun… I—” 

“Not now, Junsu,” Seung Hyun snapped. 

The reached Seung Hyun’s sleek, black Porsche. Seung Hyun unlocked the doors with a click of the fob, and while he opened Junsu’s door, he did not wait for him to climb in, but instead simply stalked away to the driver’s side, and climbed in, slamming it shut behind him. 

Junsu tried not to let his shiver of apprehension show through him and, with a gulp, climbed gingerly into the car, closing the door quietly behind him. There he sat, perched awkwardly on the edge of the seat, surrounded by the smell and the feel of Seung Hyun. Unable to stop himself, he took a deep breath, breathing in the scent of the man he loved. Taking these last few moments for himself before they started what they were here for. 

He opened his eyes to see Seung Hyun studying him, running his eyes over Junsu’s face, down his body, as if he couldn’t believe that he was here either. That perhaps both of them were victim to the same dream. A dream that he knew was both fantasy and nightmare and that he worried he’d wake up from all too quickly. 

“Seung Hyun,” the name escaped him on an outgoing breath he didn’t realize he had been holding. 

Suddenly, Seung Hyun was in motion, rushing closer to Junsu, grabbing his shirt in his fists, and yanking him closer, upwards and closer, until his lips took Junsu in a bruising and punishing kiss. His lips were hard, and his breath rushed out against Junsu’s cheek. Shocked for a moment, Junsu couldn’t react, frozen on the edge of that passenger seat, until the memory of Seung Hyun, the feelings he’d been holding back all this time, swept over him, and he pressed closer, closing his eyes, and melting into Seung Hyun. Breathing him in. Tasting his sweetness, his anger, his despair, figuring he probably tasted the same. 

As fast as it started, it was over. Almost as soon as he felt Junsu give in, Seung Hyun pushed him away. Pushed him away and turned back to his seat, grasping both hands on the steering wheel, his breath harsh and hard. 

Silently, Seung Hyun grabbed his seatbelt and, as he dragged the belt across his chest and clicked it in place, Junsu could see that Seung Hyun’s hands shook. With his own shaking hands, he fastened his passenger seat belt and sat back, waiting for whatever was to come. 

Still not speaking, Seung Hyun turned on the car, the expensive engine roaring to life, and zoomed through the parking lot, past Junsu’s shocked and angry team, and out onto the street. Though he drove fast and angry, Junsu couldn’t help admire the skill he demonstrated, skimming past straggling theatergoers, zipping through traffic, and for a brief moment, Junsu felt as if they were starring in their own car CF. 

It didn’t take Junsu long to realize where Seung Hyun was taking them, to his house. It was really the only place for them. Where they could be alone. Did Seung Hyun know by now that Junsu didn't live in his apartment anymore? Knowing Seung Hyun, he probably did. When he had his sights set on Junsu, there wasn’t any stone he left unturned. A fact Junsu had tried to forget about these last couple of days. 

Roaring into the underground parking area, barely slowing speed, Seung Hyun pulled the car into a spot and stepped out of the car, still not bothering to speak with Junsu. 

Good. Junsu thought. Reminded himself. Drilled into his head. This was what you wanted. You want Seung Hyun to be angry with you. You want him to want to break up with you. You want this to be over. 

Even if it breaks you. 

Giving himself that happy little pep talk, Junsu exited the car, snagging the bag he’d carried with him at the theater, and followed Seung Hyun, shuffling his feet and staring hard at the ground. He could get through this, he reminded himself again, it was going to be hard, but it was for the best, wasn’t that what he’d been telling himself? All this was for the best? Was for Seung Hyun? 

The elevator silently opened and they stepped inside where, almost by mutual understanding, they stood without speaking as they waited for Seung Hyun’s floor. 

All too soon and not soon enough, the ride was over and they were at Seung Hyun’s door. He beeped them in and pushed the door open, beckoning with his head for Junsu to go in first. Afraid I’ll run, Junsu thought. But no, his days of running and hiding were over. Seung Hyun was right, they had to have this last thing out, and it had to be now. 

Shoving off his shoes, Seung Hyun walked into the kitchen and pulled out a bottle of water, snapping off the top he shoved it towards Junsu. “Here,” he said.

Junsu started to shake his head but saw the look on Seung Hyun’s face and accepted the bottle from him, sipping it down. The cool fluid felt good on his throat, sore from the night's performance. However, once he started, he found he couldn’t stop thirstily sucking down the water until the bottle was empty. Seung Hyun looked at him with a raised eyebrow. “Another?” 

A little embarrassed, Junsu shook his head and placed the empty bottle on the counter. “Thanks,” he whispered. 

“You ready to talk about what the fuck is going on?” Seung Hyun asked, crossing his arms tightly in front of him. 

“What’s going on?” Junsu repeated. He sounded like an idiot. He knew he sounded like an idiot — but for the life of him, he just didn’t know where to start, what to say. He’d been working out possibilities in his head all week for this eventual moment, and he wasn’t any closer now that it was actually happening. 

“What’s going on? Oh, I don’t know, how about you bolting out of my sister’s place? Or, maybe the fact that you moved out of your house? No. Let’s start with the fact you’ve apparently decided to fucking cut me out of your life without a word, Junsu. Yeah. Yeah, I’d like you to start with that one.” Seung Hyun stepped towards him, his anger now a dark and living thing that loomed over Junsu. He resisted the urge to step back, to run away. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, ducking his head. “I’m so, so sorry. I just didn’t… I don’t know,”

“You don’t know what?” Seung Hyun asked. “Are you breaking up with me? Did you break up with me, and I just missed it? What is going on?” 

“I don’t…” he took a deep breath, “I don’t think we should see each other anymore.” 

It was out there. There was no taking it back now. All of his insides hurt. They clenched and hurt until breathing wasn’t a thing he could do anymore. Yes, he may have practiced this, imagined it in his head, but saying the words out loud? Was worse than he’d ever imagined. 

He bit the inside of his cheek, hard, trying to bring himself under control, trying not to let the tears he felt flooding his eyes run over. The tangy metallic taste of blood seeped over his tongue. Not caring, he swallowed and looked up, looked into Seung Hyun’s face.  

“No, you don’t,” Seung Hyun said quietly. “You don’t, and despite whatever the hell is going on, neither do I.” 

  
  
  
  
  



	55. The Things We Can Do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If Seung Hyun has learned anything in their relationship, it's that words help, now he just needs to remind Junsu.

Seung Hyun watched as Junsu’s eyes widened at his comment. No, whatever the hell was going on, it was obvious, from the very moment he saw Junsu in that parking lot, his eyes dark and sad with the feelings that Junsu couldn’t hide even though he tried, that the last thing that Junsu wanted to do was to break up with him. 

“You don’t want to… wait. What?” Junsu stopped, confused, apparently fully expecting Seung Hyun to go along with his crazy scheme. 

“No. I have no intention of us breaking up.” 

“That’s not your choice, Seung Hyun,” Junsu said. 

“As one-half of this relationship, I’m pretty sure it is.” 

“Except, as the other half of this relationship, I’m saying it’s not working anymore.” 

“Why do you keep saying that?” Seung Hyun asked. “You obviously don’t believe it.” 

“I do. Why would I be doing this if I didn’t?” 

“I have no idea, Junsu. That’s what I’m here trying to find out.” He studied Junsu, watching him as he rocked in place, trying to make up some excuse for doing something that would hurt them both. 

Junsu closed his eyes, pausing for a moment. “It’s just… too hard. Your schedule, my schedule, we hardly see each other. It’s too hard.” 

“Liar.” He could see it. 

“What?” 

“Yeah, it's a tough schedule, but that’s our life right now. We can’t change it together or alone, so we might as well be together.” 

Junsu’s mouth flopped open before snapping it shut in an adorable pout. Or. It would be adorable if Seung Hyun weren’t pissed at him right now. 

“Want to try again?” Seung Hyun asked. “Why do you think we’re breaking up?” 

“I don’t need to give you a reason. If I say we broke up, we broke up.” 

Seung Hyun tried. He tried really hard to be angry, tried hard to hold onto that irritation that had knocked head-to-head with his fear and anxiety over the last week. It was a righteous irritation. He was in the right here. But being here, once more in the same room as Junsu, being able to look at him, to breathe in the scent of him, to see how tired, how hurt he was, Seung Hyun realized he just didn’t have it in him to be pissed anymore. He just didn’t have the energy for it. And looking at Junsu, who had clearly worked himself into a full-on snit, Junsu didn’t have the energy either. 

Stepping forward, he grabbed Junsu’s hands with his, ignoring how the movement made Junsu’s back go stiff, feeling the cool skin of Junsu’s fingers, feeling the slight shake in him. 

“It’s your mom, isn’t it. She figured it out?” 

Junsu’s eyes jerked upwards to him, and though it had just been a hunch, Seung Hyun realized he’d got it in one. 

“How did you know?” Junsu breathed out. 

“Guess?” he shrugged. “When we were in Jeju, I called Yoochun. He gave me some things to watch out for.” 

“You called Yoochun?” 

“When it comes to you, baby?” Seung Hyun bent his head and rested his forehead on Junsu’s, still holding his fingers tight in his. “I’m willing to do anything — apparently even make friends with Yoochun.” 

They stood there for a moment, just breathing each other in. Seung Hyun wanted badly to wrap his arms around Junsu, to make it all go away, to protect him from whatever had been going on, but he knew that wasn’t going to get them anywhere. Junsu needed to come to him. To know he could come to him no matter what was going on. 

And he was pretty sure he was right about that. 

“How bad was it?” he asked. 

“It was… bad,” Junsu whispered. “She said… she said bad things. All the bad things you fear your parents are going to say but tell yourself no, they love you, they would never say that to you? She said all those things.” Junsu leaned back and looked at him, naked grief settled deep in his eyes. 

Nope. He was wrong. So wrong. 

He pulled Junsu into him and wrapped his arms hard around him, noting how thin he’d become lately. “God, baby, I’m so sorry.” 

Silently Junsu began to cry, and he lay his head on Seung Hyun’s shoulder, his body shaking as he let go. Seung Hyun just ran his hand along the muscles of Junsu’s back in soothing circles, feeling the hint of hard ribs, the jagged ridges of his back bone. They stood there swaying lightly in tune to some invisible sad song. 

“It’s going to be okay Junsu,” he said. 

“How? How can it ever be okay?” Junsu leaned back to look at him, his cheeks wet with tears, his eyes so sad it made Seung Hyun’s heart clench. “My mother thinks I’m a disgusting thing. She slapped me. Told me I was going to bring shame on the family. How is it ever going to be okay again?” 

Seung Hyun lifted his thumb to Junsu’s cheek, wiping away the tears. 

“I’m sorry,” he said simply. “You’re right. I don’t know. I have no idea what you’re going through right now. But I can say, I’m so, so sorry. Mothers should support, should love their kids no matter who they fucking love.” 

“Not every kid is like me, Seung Hyun,” Junsu said, pain and guilt running clearly across his face. 

“You’re right. Any parent would be lucky to have a kid like you. I may not have known you the longest time, but I can see it. You love your parents. You’re loyal to them. You make sure they could have everything they ever wanted.”

“You can’t blame my mom for wanting… something more, something better for me.” 

“I can, and do, and I will. If your parents can’t see past this one thing, can’t look to all of the other things you do for them and accept this one thing you do for yourself? Then they don’t deserve you.” 

“I just want…” Junsu choked out, his fingers clenching the fabric of Seung Hyun’s shirt. “I want them to love me.” 

“Junsu,” Seung Hyun said softly, “are you trying to break up with me because of them? Did they demand you stop seeing me? Is that what this is about?” 

Seung Hyun wasn’t sure what he’d do if that were the case. He didn’t want to come between Junsu and his family, but he also didn’t want to just give up on him, on them, because of others’ expectations. It was wrong, and it would hurt too damn much — and he was certain if they let this go it would hurt too damn much for the rest of their lives. 

Junsu blinked at him, before shaking his head. “No. They… my mom wanted me to. She demanded I move back home, got rid of my apartment so I couldn’t go back there, pretty much had me under lock and key after we got back from Jeju. She said if I didn’t break up with you she’d tell my Dad.” 

The chin wobbled had him almost pulling Junsu back into his arms again, but Seung Hyun managed to hold himself back. They were almost to the heart of it, he could feel it. They’d deal with that, get back together, and then deal with his bitch of a mother. 

“So your dad doesn’t know?” Seung Hyun asked instead. 

Shaking his head, Junsu sniffled and shuffled his hair off of his forehead. 

“I don’t think so,” he said.  

Suddenly, something occurred to Seung Hyun. “Lock and key. Does that mean they’re looking for you right now?” 

He looked nervously at the door, expecting Junsu’s parents to burst in with the police and a charge of stealing their kid. Part of him wished Junsu’s mother were there so he could give her a piece of his mind. So he could ask the question going through his head most right now, how could they treat someone as goddamn wonderful as Junsu like this? 

“No, I — I guess I ran away from home.” That had Junsu chuckling. “I threw some clothes in a bag, packed up all the cats and ran away. I’ve been staying at Jaejoong’s apartment” 

Seung Hyun stepped away from him and began to pace in front of him. “Then, Junsu, I don’t get it. If it’s not because of your mother, then why? Why did you do this to me? Why did you do this to us?” 

“I doing this for you!” Junsu burst out before slapping his hand over his mouth, shock clearly written over his face.  

“What the fuck are you talking about? How can this be for me?” Seung Hyun asked, incredulous. “Did they threaten me? Say if I didn’t break up with you they’d out me?” 

Junsu shook his head wildly. “She won’t hurt you, I promise! I’d out myself before I let them do anything to you.” 

“So it was me,” he said. “Junsu—”

“No! I mean, yes. Yes, she said she’d go to you, but that wasn’t why I broke up with you.”

“Then why, Junsu? Why?! I think I deserve some sort of an explanation,” he demanded. 

“I did it for you.” 

“Why?” he yelled, beyond frustrated. 

“You don’t know what you’re doing!” Junsu shouted back at him, exasperated. “You have no idea what you’re getting yourself into, what your life would be like.” 

“When? How my life will be like when?” 

“Life as a gay man in Korea.”

“I’m not gay, Junsu. I just—” frustrated, Seung Hyun ran his fingers through his hair, trying to express, explain what he himself was still trying to understand. “It’s you. It’s just you.” 

“Good,” Junsu whispered, ducking his head. “Good. It will be easier for you then when this is over.” 

“Stop fucking saying that!” Seung Hyun said, panic slipping neatly inside. “We’re not breaking up.” 

“You’re right we’re not breaking up,” Junsu said. “We already did.” 

The finality in Junsu’s voice ripped a hole in Seung Hyun’s heart. He strode back over to Junsu and grasped him by his shoulders, shaking him lightly, trying to shake out whatever thing had taken him over, whatever evil had implanted itself into Junsu, making him say, think, crazy un-Junsu like things. 

“Don’t say that,” he finally pleaded. “If we break up, I don’t know what… I don’t know what I’ll do.” 

“You’ll be okay,” Junsu said. “You’ll go back to being the amazing T.O.P. You’ll be a top star, you’ll go do your military service, you’ll find a pretty girl, fall in love, get married, and have all kids you want.” 

“No, I won’t,” Seung Hyun said, his voice sure. “I want to do those things with you. I want to be top stars together. I want to be in love with you. I want to get married. Have kids. With you. No one else.” 

Junsu closed his eyes, tears seeping from beneath them. “You can’t have them with me.” 

“Why not?” Seung Hyun asked. 

“Because I’m a man!” Junsu lashed out through his tears, yanking out of Seung Hyun’s grasp and backing away. “I’m a man! Don’t you think I want those things too? We can’t get married here! Hell, we can’t even be together as a couple publically. And kids? There will never be babies, Seung Hyun. I knew — I accepted the fact that I couldn’t be a dad. It’s just something… you have to accept here in Korea. I accepted it. I was okay. But then you came along.”

The tears swept down Junsu’s cheeks, and he breathed hard, holding out his hand to stop Seung Hyun from interrupting him while he tried to compose himself, but he didn't need to worry about that, Seung Hyun was frozen in place, the implications of what Junsu was saying, of what they meant, swirling in his head. 

Junsu rubbed his arm across his face, breathing out the sobs now. “But then you came along… and I— Don’t you think it killed me? It killed me to see you together with your nephew. Seeing how good a dad you are going to be. Seeing how much you wanted it. I can’t magically give you kids Seung Hyun. I don’t have the hardware.” He gestured down to his crotch with a flourish. 

The truth of Junsu’s words crashed into him. What being with Junsu meant. What he’d have to give up to be with him. Funny. Or not funny, he guessed with a groan. He hadn’t actually considered exactly what a future with Junsu would be like before this. To him, it had been simple He just knew that somewhere down the line, whenever he pictured the future now, he started seeing Junsu there, with him. Forever. 

“I don’t care, Junsu,” he whispered. “To be happy, I just need you.” 

“No,” Junsu said. “No, Seung Hyun-ah. I can’t be the reason you can’t have the things you want out of life. If it comes out that we’re together, and your career is ruined? If your family finds out and starts to look at you the same way that mine looks at me? That day you wake up and start resenting me because you can’t have kids of your own? I don’t think I could live. I don’t think I could live knowing I was the one responsible for taking what you love away from you.” 

“That won’t happen, Junsu.” 

“You don’t know that!” Junsu cried out. “You may want me now, but what about ten, fifteen years from now? When your other options are gone?” 

“You know what your problem is, Junsu?” Seung Hyun snapped out at him. 

“My problem?” Junsu asked, confused. 

“You don’t believe in me. You still expect me to leave, run away. I can see it in your eyes, that you're just waiting for that moment. Yeah. I may have run away, but I’m here now. I’m right here,” he said, thumping his fist on his chest. “I’m part of this relationship, and you have to trust me to be there for you.” 

“I do,” Junsu protested. 

“No, you don’t. Otherwise, you would have come to me instead of trying to deal with this on your own.” 

“I’m doing this for you!” 

“No, Junsu, you’re not. If this were about me, you’d talk to me, allow me to make decisions about my own life. About our lives, about our futures. No, what you’re doing now? You’re running away before I have a chance to run out on you.” 

Junsu shook his head. “No!” 

“Yes, you are. And if you’d come to me about any of this, I’d tell you. No, we can’t come out now. But we’re not going to be idols forever. Hell, once we get out of the military, people will hardly pay attention to us anyway. Marriage? So, we can’t have a legal marriage here. We’ll have a ceremony here. Or we’ll go to a country where same-sex marriage is legal. Or we don’t. We don’t need others to define our relationship for us.” 

“You… want to marry me?” 

Seung Hyun choked a bit. “Well. Eventually. I’d kind of like to get better at dating you first, but then, yeah. Marriage.” 

“Marriage?” 

Seung Hyun cocked his eyebrow at him. “I could be wrong, but I heard that’s what people do when they love each other.”

“You love me?” Junsu gasped. 

“Yes, I love you. Do you love me?” 

A laugh slipped out of Junsu before he slapped his hands over his mouth. “Are you sure?” he asked. “Don’t say it if you don’t mean it — if you’re saying it because you feel bad for me.” 

“I told you. I fucking love you. Now, are you going to tell me you fucking love me or are you going to leave me hanging out here like an asshole.” 

“Am I the asshole or you in this scenario?” Junsu asked, his eyes twinkling as he let his hands fall down to his sides, giving Seung Hyun a clear view of Junsu’s beaming face. He felt his knees go weak, and it took everything in him to keep himself upright. This was his Junsu, here in front of him. He wasn’t too late. He hadn’t run away. Junsu was his now. For real this time. 

“I’m pretty sure I’m always the asshole in our scenarios,” he said dryly. “Although, you keep me waiting much longer…” he cocked his head at Junsu, just enjoying this moment with him. He knew how Junsu felt. He always had. He hadn’t needed the words, not with Junsu right there in front of him. 

“I fucking love you,” Junsu whispered, then added with a giggle, “asshole.” 

“Good. Now get over here and kiss me.” 

Junsu pursed his lips before slowly stripping off the jacket he still wore. Deliberately, he let it drop to the floor before walking the few steps that separated them. This time, it was Junsu who grabbed him by the shirt and yanked him closer, yanked him down until their lips met. 

Now his knees really did buckle. They’d made it. They’d finally made it. He threw his arms around Junsu and pulled him in tightly, fitting him to him, into him. He tasted Junsu’s salty tears, or his own, at this point he wasn’t sure anymore, not that it mattered. Not anymore. 

He broke away and ran his lips down along Junsu’s jaw, with Junsu graciously lifting his head to allow him better access. 

“Say it again,” he whispered. 

“I love you,” Junsu whispered back. 

“Don’t pass this around, but I missed you every single day, every hour, every minute,” Seung Hyun said, his lips brushing Junsu’s ear. “Don’t ever, ever, do that again, okay?” 

“I promise,” Junsu said, letting his head drop into the crook of Seung Hyun’s neck, breathing in deeply, doing what Seung Hyun was doing, taking in the long missed scent of him. Junsu wrapped his arms around Seung Hyun’s chest, clutching him hard against him. “Are you sure? Are you really, really sure?” 

“About us?” Seung Hyun asked. 

He felt Junsu nod against his neck and said, “More than anything. More than I ever wanted to be T.O.P, more than I ever wanted anything.” 

“What about…” Junsu trailed off. Seung Hyun waited for him to continue before prodding. “About what?” 

“Kids?” 

“You want kids?” he asked Junsu. 

Junsu pulled back and looked Seung Hyun in his eye. “I do.” 

“Then we’ll have kids,” Seung Hyun said simply. “I mean, not for a while, though. Like, a long while. After we get dating down. Then military. Then marriage. Then we’ll have a family.” 

Junsu smiled sadly. “I wish I had your faith.” 

“Baby. You’re Xia Junsu. I’m motherfucking T.O.P. If we want to get married? We go get married. We want to have kids? We have kids. There are ways. We can adopt. Or hire a surrogate. Hell, we have enough money, we can do whatever you want.” 

“You make it sound so easy.” 

“It’s not going to be easy. But are you going to be there?” 

Junsu studied him, unsure, before smiling slightly and nodding. “I’m gonna be there.” 

“And I’m gonna be there. So we’re going to make it work. Together. Okay?” 

“Okay.” Junsu smiled up at him. 

  
  
  
  



	56. The Smexy Times Playlist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He loves him, he loves him, what's next? 
> 
> Ahem. 
> 
> Yeah.

 

Cuddled on the couch, snuggled tightly in Seung Hyun’s arms, the comforter from Seung Hyun’s bed wrapped around them, Junsu couldn’t quite believe he was here. That they were here. That this was them. He buried himself deeper into Seung Hyun’s arms, feeling the warmth of him radiating through his shirt, the solid thump-thump of his heart beating strong and sure under his ear.  

Seung Hyun loved him.  _ He loved him.  _ Junsu almost giggled at the thought at the idea that Seung Hyun was his, for now and forever. He wasn’t sure why it had never occurred to him Seung Hyun wouldn’t feel the same way for him that Junsu felt for him. The depths of his stupidity sometimes boggled his own mind. 

“Again.” 

“I’m going to start charging you,” Seung Hyun warned, the rumble of his voice reverberating through Junsu. 

“I’m rich, I can afford it. Again.” He tilted his head upwards to catch Seung Hyun’s eye, giving him one of his best aegyo pouts. “Please?” 

Seung Hyun rolled his eyes, feigning exasperation, but leaned down to kiss the tip of Junsu’s nose. “I love you.” 

It was as if the sun just burst in his chest every time he heard Seung Hyun say it. Like a line of electricity just zapped him right to his heart. He closed his eyes with a smile, taking in the sensation. Almost believing that this was his life now. 

Seung Hyun ran his hand idly up and down Junsu’s side, the short, buffed nails scratching lightly along Junsu’s thin shirt, making him sigh at the sensation.  

“You’re too thin,” Seung Hyun said, his tone worried. 

“I’m not,” Junsu protested. He hadn’t really noticed much of a difference lately — but then again, before tonight he hadn’t really noticed much of anything. Since he’d walked out on Seung Hyun, since he’d thought they were done, his days were a gray mass of work, work, and more work, only stopping once his body forced him to, crashing in whatever darkened corner he could find. 

He frowned, thinking about that Junsu, about how unhappy he — they — had been.   

The nails dug into the ribs they found, and Junsu wiggled against the ticklish spot Seung Hyun had discovered, giggling, allowing Seung Hyun to, once again, take him out of his dark place. He didn’t have the time or the energy to be in that place anymore, not with Seung Hyun right there with him. He just wanted to laugh. He wanted to laugh and cry and shout out his love for Seung Hyun. Because he could. Because now he knew Seung Hyun felt the same way. 

“Stop it!” he laughed, attempting to wriggle away, but Seung Hyun’s arms locked him close against his side. His hand, tangling in the hair on the back of Junsu’s head, firmly pushed Junsu’s head back on his chest. 

“You don’t think I’m letting you go, do you?” Seung Hyun asked, the breath of his words ruffling against Junsu’s hair. 

“I hope not.” He really hoped not. 

“Not a chance.” 

Pleased at the surety in Seung Hyun’s voice, Junsu settled back in, throwing his leg over Seung Hyun’s, wrapping his own arm around his chest, making it known the same went for him. 

Of course, it was then that the doorbell rang. Junsu stiffened, suddenly afraid it was someone there for him. Management, his mom, it didn’t matter who, just anyone who would burst in and ruin this moment for them. 

“Relax, it’s the food,” Seung Hyun said before setting to untangling their limbs. 

“When did you order food?” Junsu asked. 

“When you went into the bedroom to get the comforter.” 

Junsu pouted when Seung Hyun was finally successful in separating them and left the little nest they’d made on the couch to open the door for the doorman. He kicked the door closed behind him, carrying a try filled with jjajangmyun and sweet and sour pork. The smell hit Junsu, and his mouth began to water. He tried to remember when he’d last eaten, but honestly, he wasn’t really sure, and whenever it was, it certainly wasn’t this. 

“You trying to fatten me up?” Junsu asked. 

“Yep,” Seung Hyun said before gesturing to the kitchen. “Want to come join me?” 

Wriggling down, Junsu pushed himself until he slid off the edge of the couch and landed in a comforter covered lump on the floor. “Here.” 

Indulgently, Seung Hyun shook his head and carried the tray over to the coffee table, laying out the food in front of Junsu. When he took off the plastic wrap, the scents really came through and began torturing Junsu’s empty stomach, which retaliated in kind with loud, sharp, embarrassing rumbles. Blushing, he snatched up the chopsticks and began to stir the pork into the sauce while Seung Hyun mixed up the noodles. 

“I don’t know when I last had jjajangmyun.” Junsu sighed. Suitably mixed, he grabbed a piece of the pork and popped it into his mouth, his eyes closed, and he moaned lightly as the sweet, tangy sauce hit his tongue. “God. That is so good,” he said around the bite of food. 

“Yeah, I’m gonna need you to stop doing that,” Seung Hyun said. 

Junsu peeked open one eye to peer at him, seeing how Seung Hyun now stared at him, dark and hungry. 

“Too late,” Junsu said before he crammed another piece of flavored pork into his mouth. 

“Too late for what?” Seung Hyun asked. 

“Your chance to have your way with me was  _ before  _ I started eating. Now you’re just going to have to wait.” He swallowed and popped a huge mouthful of pork in, his cheeks puffing out. While he chewed he made happy little noises. “And I’m not sure how much I’ll be feeling sexy-times after all this food.” 

Before Junsu could even register he was moving, Seung Hyun’s face was there. Then, Seung Hyun’s body was in front of him, crowding him, so close their faces were just inches apart, his eyes delightfully wicked. Junsu froze, mid-chew, before gulping hard, trying not to choke as the half-chewed piece of meat slid down his throat. 

Slowly, Seung Hyun dipped his head down closer, inch by inch until lips met skin. He flicked out his tongue and delicately licked along the line of Junsu’s lips. Junsu’s heart and gut clenched, his breath catching. 

“You had something,” Seung Hyun murmured, pulling away with a wicked grin. “Just there.” 

Junsu gaped at him. Gaped at Seung Hyun’s chuckle as he pulled away. Springing into motion, Junsu surged forward, tackling Seung Hyun to the floor, food forgotten for the moment.

“I thought you were hungry?” Seung Hyun laughed, looking up at him from where he’d landed on the carpet. 

“I am,” Junsu leered, pushing himself up and shuffling forwards until his thighs straddled Seung Hyun’s waist. “You just reminded me what for.” 

Lifting upwards slightly, Junsu rocked his body, completing a series of the body rolls he usually reserved for the stage, each roll grazing their hips, their cocks together, careful and slow. Junsu could feel Seung Hyun through the tightness of his pants, already half hard against him. He caught Seung Hyun’s eye, half amused, half dark with arousal. A shudder ran through Junsu, and biting his lip, he couldn’t help repeating the movement, brushing them together once more and then again and again, loving the feel of Seung Hyun getting harder with each pass. Watching his eyes getting darker and darker. Knowing that he was doing that to him. That he had that effect on him. 

He was sure in all of their lives this was never going to get old. 

Abruptly, Seung Hyun reached forward and seized Junsu’s shirt in his fist, dragging him downwards. 

“Too far away,” he murmured against Junsu’s neck. 

Feeling Seung Hyun, solid and warm beneath him, Junsu agreed. He tipped his head to the side allowing him more access, his eyes closing at the feeling of Seung Hyun licking and biting down the strong cords of his neck. 

God, he’d missed him, missed this, missed being close to him. When they were apart, when things got hard, too much, he’d close his eyes and remember, remember Seung Hyun’s arms around him, Seung Hyun smiling, kissing him, remember them just being together. Most times he’d berate himself, call himself a masochist, but sometimes? Most times, if he were honest, those memories would be what got him through the day, got him through the mind-numbingly-busy schedule. The ache would be enough to push him forward. 

His fingers gripped Seung Hyun’s arms harder, the memory of the pain of that time forcing him to remind himself that he was here, that they were here. That they were okay. That he wasn’t alone anymore, and if he believed in Seung Hyun, they would never be alone again. 

“Where are you, Junsu?” Seung Hyun whispered against his skin, his breath cool against Junsu's now moist skin. 

“What?” Junsu asked, his mind still fuzzy.

“I’m right here, baby, maybe you want to join me?” 

Junsu pulled back, almost guiltily. “I just can’t believe you’re here,” he said. “I’d given up.” 

“Well, that was a mistake.” Seung Hyun looked Junsu in the eye, his gaze fierce. “Don’t do it again.” 

Watching Seung Hyun beneath him, so strong and so sure of himself, of them, Junsu couldn’t do anything but nod, his cheeks flushed with a still shy pleasure. 

“Now, if you don’t mind, I was getting ready to fuck you, and I’d like to get back to that,” Seung Hyun said, with a shift of that wicked eyebrow. “Any objections?” 

Junsu gasped, his fingers clenching once more around Seung Hyun’s arms before shaking his head wildly. “No?” 

“Good.” Seung Hyun smiled. “Now get back down here.” 

Junsu paused for just a moment before snuggling back down happily, exposing his neck for Seung Hyun to resume his task. Following down the edge of his neck, Seung Hyun reached the collarbones and made his way around to the other side, feeding his fingers through Junsu’s hair, grasping and tilting until he got the exact angle he was looking for, reminding Junsu of the very last time they’d been like this.

“Last time,” he whispered, before biting back a moan as Seung Hyun bit gently down on his skin, “last time you left a mark.” 

“I did,” Seung Hyun said, absentmindedly, as he mouthed at Junsu’s skin. Seung Hyun’s tongue on Junsu’s skin felt like heaven. He struggled to keep his thoughts straight. 

“It was seen.”

Seung Hyun pulled back to look at Junsu, concern on his face. “Shit. By who?” 

Junsu shrugged as he sat up again, trying not to roll his eyes at the feeling as their cocks rubbed together. 

“Not important.” he said, regretting his words. “The important part is… I liked it.” 

He reached for the buttons of the white, billowy shirt he wore and slowly worked the buttons down, enjoying having Seung Hyun’s undivided attention on him, watching how his eyes hungrily caught each extra exposed inch of skin. 

“Every time,” he whispered. “Every time I looked at that mark, I’d remember that moment. I’d remember that I belong to you. I know, I shouldn’t think that way. I don’t belong to anybody… but part of me? I  _ want  _ to belong to you.” 

“You do belong to me,” Seung Hyun said, running his hands along the tops of Junsu’s thighs. “Only fair. I belong to you.”

Junsu quirked a smile, before pulling off the shirt and throwing it to the side. He grabbed Seung Hyun’s hand and laid it on his chest, running it down, the muscles of his stomach shuddering at the feeling of skin against skin. 

“I want you to do it again,” Junsu murmured. 

He led Seung Hyun's hand until it rested just above his heart. “Here.” He then moved Seung Hyun’s hand, upwards, to his shoulder, to right under where he knew the wide neck of his L costume lay. “Here.” Then back downwards, skirting the quiver to his bellybutton to the cut, the V, right above the waistband of his pants. “Here,” he whispered. “Remember? I want what you promised me, I want to see, I want to know that I belong to you.” 

Seung Hyun surged upwards wrapping his arms around Junsu, dragging him into his arms, using the momentum to turn them around until Junsu’s back was pressed against the floor, and Seung Hyun rested tight between his thighs. 

“Are you trying to drive me crazy?” Seung Hyun asked. 

“Maybe,” Junsu said. 

“It's working,” Seung Hyun said, before latching his lips to Junsu’s shoulder, to his designated spot, biting and sucking until Junsu writhed beneath him, whimpering for more. 

Seung Hyun pulled back to inspect his work, his smile smug. Apparently finding it acceptable, he kissed the spot, lapping it with his tongue. “You’re mine, Junsu.” 

Trailing downwards, he led the way towards Junsu’s pec, veering off at last moment to suck lightly at Junsu’s nipple, worrying it lightly between his teeth until it was a hard nub and Junsu bit his lip, holding back a moan, but his hips betrayed his want, thrusting upwards, searching, needing more. Seung Hyun breathed hotly on the moist flesh, and this time Junsu couldn’t stop it, moaning deep in his throat, his nails digging into Seung Hyun’s back. 

He barely made it through as Seung Hyun repeated the routine on his chest, sucking kissing, inspecting his work, then down to his hip, slowly unbuttoning the button of Junsu’s pants and pulling the waistband away to give himself the access he felt he needed. His skin was on fire, each spot throbbing, a reminder of what was there, that Seung Hyun had been there. He wished, he wished he could do the same for Seung Hyun, could make him feel, understand what this meant to him. They couldn’t have any outward appearance, any clue to their relationship for any to see, but this? This was something for them, only them. Something only they knew was there. Before, despite his mother finding the mark, despite her words and the stress he’d had, he’d watch that brilliant purple mark on his skin. His mark. Watched it and felt Seung Hyun there again, felt him with him. Watched it and wanted him. He’d watched it as it changed from its brilliant purple, until it changed and faded — resenting his skin for its betrayal, for its healing. 

He knew that these marks would be the same. Would sit there, lurking, on his skin, but this time he knew, he knew that when they faded, Seung Hyun would still be there, could replace them, could make new ones. 

He wished he could do the same for Seung Hyun, but it was enough that they were together. That they were going to be happy. The rest they could work on later. 

“I need…” he whispered. “I need you Seung Hyun-ah. I need you inside me. Is that okay?” 

Seung Hyun grasped Junsu’s cheeks and pulled him up for a deep kiss, licking hotly into his mouth, taking Junsu’s arousal up about eight notches. 

“Fuck, yes,” he said. Without warning, Seung Hyun pulled back, pushing Junsu’s legs away from where they clung to his hips, climbing up from the floor. 

“Where are you going?” Junsu whined, already feeling the cold night air against him. “I’m down here.” 

“Our first time isn’t going to be on the floor,” was all he said, and Junsu fell, if possible, just a little bit more in love with him. Seung Hyun might look all cool and devil may care, but he did care, and if one looked under that crunchy surface, they’d find someone just a little bit mushy and romantic. 

Smiling up at him indulgently, Junsu held out his hands. Grasping them, Seung Hyun pulled Junsu to his feet and then bent down and, with a soft grunt, hoisted Junsu over his shoulder. Hanging halfway down his boyfriend’s back, Junsu realized he was probably going to need to rethink that mushy and romantic bit. He waved goodbye to the table of food, promising to be back later, but at the moment, they had more important things to worry about. 

The entire way from the living room to the bedroom, Junsu could not stop laughing at the ridiculousness of the situation, between gasps he took the opportunity to put his hands on Seung Hyun’s ass, enjoying the way it moved with his every step. At the bed, Seung Hyun paused before dumping Junsu unceremoniously in the center. This just made Junsu laugh harder, but when he glanced up and caught sight of the look of pure heat and want on Seung Hyun’s face, his laughter died, and he gulped hard. He scooted himself upwards on his elbows, blinking slowly, before smiling wickedly at Seung Hyun. 

“I think… I’m wearing too many clothes,” he said. 

Seung Hyun leaned forward and caught Junsu’s lips in his, hard and biting, his fingers tugging at the pants that still clung to Junsu’s hips, pulling them down his hips and ass, bringing with them his briefs, pulling firmly until Junsu’s cock popped out from beneath the band and bounced firmly against his stomach and causing Junsu to groan. 

“Hurry,” he said.

But he didn’t hurry. At his own maddening pace, Seung Hyun slowly pulled off Junsu’s pants, revealing the skin inch by inch, pausing to kiss the top of his thigh, the underside of his knee, his firm calf, as if he was reacquainting himself with Junsu’s body, making sure nothing had changed in the time of their separation. The angry bruise on the outside of his right thigh, where he’d caught himself against a low table earlier this week made Seung Hyun frown and look up at Junsu questioningly before covering the area with light butterfly kisses that made Junsu hum. Junsu could do nothing but watch and wait, fisting his hands into the sheets, wanting Seung Hyun to do whatever he needed to, ready for Seung Hyun’s signal he was ready to go further, whatever it might be. Finally, the pants were off and thrown to a corner of the room, and Seung Hyun just stood there, looking down at him, studying. 

“You’re so fucking beautiful,” Seung Hyun said, his tone full of wonder. Junsu melted under his words, his eyes. “Seriously Junsu, I still don’t know why you chose me, but I’m so grateful you did.” 

Finally, Junsu had enough waiting, enough of feeling like an untouchable doll, he was ready for this for them and needed them to go further, needed Seung Hyun to realize this too — pedestals were lonely places, and he’d been lonely long enough. Lazily he cocked his head and gave Seung Hyun his best Xia Junsu smirk. “Are you going to join me down here, or am I going to have to do this myself?” he asked. 

“Yourself?” Seung Hyun asked, confused.

“Myself,” he whispered, skimming his hand down his side, over the areas Seung Hyun had just been, sucking in his stomach as the tips of his fingers touched the skin of his sensitive lower stomach. He didn’t take his eyes from Seung Hyun as he traced his fingers down the length of his hard cock, smirking as he watched Seung Hyun’s eyes bulge. With a moan that was the part for him and part for Seung Hyun’s benefit, he wrapped his fingers tight around the base and slowly pulled upwards over the length of it, before lightly running his thumb over the top, arching lightly at the surge of pleasure that rushed him. 

“What to know something funny?” Junsu asked, his voice thick and low, his hand continuing to stroke the hardness of his cock, feeling each ridge, each vein. Precome now dribbled along the top as he watched Seung Hyun, watched him watching him. 

“What?” Seung Hyun choked out. 

“Before we met… your voice would make me so hot, just listening to you could make me hard.” He groaned as the memory flooded him. 

“It would?” Seung Hyun asked. 

“Just listening to you.” His hips began to roll along to the motion of his hand, his toes curling as he smoothed the palm along the top before smoothing the wetness, back down, everything getting slicker in his palm. “Some nights, when I was really lonely, I’d put your music on my headphones in bed, and I’d lay there” 

His eyes tried to close against the feeling, the room now filled with the sounds of his words, the sounds of their harsh breathing, the now wet sounds of his stroking, but he forced his eyes open, forced himself to keep eye contact with Seung Hyun. 

“Would you do this?” Seung Hyun asked. “Touch yourself?” 

“Touch myself? Get off? Sometimes?” He could feel himself get close, the words, the sensations, Seung Hyun watching it all, was almost too much for him. He gripped the base firmly, counting the beats until the overwhelming swell settled. He shifted his knees, spreading and lifting them, making sure Seung Hyun had a good view, making space for him if he ever fucking decided to make a move and come down here. “Your voice, your face… you make me hard. Sometimes I want you touching me, inside me, so much, I can’t stand it.” 

Junsu released his cock and held out his hand for Seung Hyun. Almost as if he had no control over the limb, Seung Hyun held out his hand for him to take, allowed Junsu to grasp his hand and lead it down until Junsu could wrap their joined fingers around him, together, starting to stroke again, setting a pace that left both of them gasping for air. 

“Please Seung Hyun-ah. Whatever you feel comfortable with is okay, I just, don’t leave me alone anymore.” 

“Never,” Seung Hyun whispered. He pulled his fingers away from Junsu’s hot length. Junsu let out an uncontrolled whimpered at the loss. 

They watched each other, Junsu questioning and Seung Hyun obviously debating, his skin pale and tight. Before Junus had a chance to ask him what was wrong, Seung Hyun hesitantly put his fingers to the tightly buttoned shirt he wore. He fiddled for the top button for a moment before swallowing so hard Junsu could see it from where he lay, then slowly began unbuttoning the tiny, white buttons. 

Junsu gasped, bolting upright. “What? What are you doing?” 

Seung Hyun couldn’t, or wouldn’t, speak, just mechanically kept unbuttoning each button, revealing what must be a white t-shirt underneath. Reaching the bottom, he began tugging the tails from where they had been tightly tucked into his pants. 

Grasping Seung Hyun’s hands, Junsu forced him to a stop. “You don’t have to do this for me,” he said. “I’m okay with whatever you’re okay to give me.” 

Seung Hyun shook his head and tangled their fingers together and sat down on the bed next to Junsu. “I thought I’d lost you, Junsu,” he said, his voice quiet and sad. 

“But you didn’t,” Junsu protested, leaning against him. “I’m right here, and I’m not going anywhere.” 

“I almost lost you,” Seung Hyun kept going as if Junsu hadn’t spoken at all. “And all I could think was how stupid I was, letting something so fucking stupid come between us.” 

“It was your feelings, it wasn’t stupid,” Junsu said. “I understand, and you don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.” 

“I do want to, Junsu,” he said. “I want this so much. I don’t want anything to come between us, even this fucking shirt. You’re more important to me than anything that happened in the past.” 

“I am?” The words slipped past before he realized it. 

Instead of answering, Seung Hyun leaned forward and kissed him, taking away his words, his breath, his doubt. He slipped his hands from Junsu’s and continued to pull the tails of the shirt out of his pants before pausing and shrugging out of it. In the undershirt, with its tank top sleeves, Junsu knew this was more skin than he’d bared to anyone in years, and he rubbed his lips against the exposed shoulder, wanting to reassure Seung Hyun, himself, that it was all okay. He felt the cool flesh against his lips, the muscles of Seung Hyun’s bicep flexing at the sensation. 

Seung Hyun’s fingers stalled at the bottom of the undershirt, and he seemed unable to go further. 

“It’s okay, Seung Hyun-ah. You’ve already come so far, I’m so proud of you.” 

“Will you… will you help?” Seung Hyun asked cautiously.

Junsu smiled, his heart melting at the words. The idea that Seung Hyun wanted him, needed him, would never ever get old. Slipping a thigh over Seung Hyun, he perched on his lap, trying to ignore the ache of his cock, how delicious and wicked it felt sitting there completely naked, in front of — on top of — Seung Hyun. 

He looked into Seung Hyun’s face, saw the hesitancy, but also the determination, and with a smile, took his face in his hands and kissed him, deeply, tasting, feeling him, wanting to express everything that he was feeling, everything he was thinking, within the touch. 

“I love you so much,” he said. “With a shirt. Without a shirt. I don’t care. But the fact that you want to try for me? Gah, Seung Hyun… I don’t even know.” Slowly, he grasped the bottom of the shirt and started to pull. “If you need me to stop…” 

“Go,” Seung Hyun said thickly. 

Junsu tugged the shirt from the tight waistband of his pants and, looking Seung Hyun directly in the eye, pulled it up his torso, inch by inch, watching for any hesitation, any sign that he needed to stop. But Seung Hyun gritted his teeth and lifted his arms and allowed Junsu to pull the shirt over his head. 

Still, just as slowly, Junsu crept forward, until he could bring his chest against Seung Hyun’s, for the first time feeling their skin touch. He was soft and hard all at the same time. Junsu circled, rubbing their skin together, relishing in the feel of them together, of nothing, finally, between them. He slipped his arms around Seung Hyun and gripped him hard against him, feeling the skin of his back, his muscles against his hands, before burying his head into the crook of Seung Hyun’s neck, gulping back a sudden wave of tears. 

“Junsu, what’s wrong?” Seung Hyun asked, alarmed. 

Junsu just held him tighter against him, trying to get closer and closer, but not being able to get close enough. He felt Seung Hyun’s own arms wrap around him, locking him in place, and he sat there, just feeling their skin touch. He hadn’t realized just how much he had wanted this, had needed it.  

“I just never thought we’d get here,” Junsu said. “We’re together, you’re almost naked, I  _ am  _ naked, we’re going to have dirty-dirty sex and be happy forever.” 

He felt the rumble of laughter roll through Seung Hyun before he heard it. “Dirty-dirty sex?” 

“It’s on the boyfriend list,” Junsu sniffed. 

“Well, then we should probably get on that,” Seung Hyun said. 

“You mean you should probably get on me then,” Junsu teased through the last of his tears. 

Seung Hyun groaned at his joke. “If you insist.” and with a single movement, he slipped his forearm under Junsu’s thigh and flipped him over, rolling with him until he lay there on his back, with Seung Hyun cradled between his waiting thighs. 

“Pants?” Junsu asked, fiddling with the waistband of Seung Hyun’s waistband. 

Without hesitation, Seung Hyun levered himself off of Junsu enough to get his hands in between them and, after giving Junsu’s cock a quick squeeze that left him gasping, unbuckled his pants, shoved them down his hips, and kicked them off to the floor. 

It was only then that Junsu allowed himself to look, to take in the glory that was Seung Hyun bare of clothes — his version of armor. He was sculpted and beautiful, the color of dark ivory. His fingers shook slightly as he ran them down Seung Hyun’s chest, down the muscles of his stomach, exploring this new, hard-won territory. 

As he had expected, Seung Hyun was beautiful, everything that he had hoped and yet more, because this time he was real. He was real, and he was here. He wasn’t perfect, there was a roadway, a path there marking his body, in light, spidery lines, marking the otherwise flawless skin. Junsu trailed his fingers down the lines, following them to the trail of light hair that led to Seung Hyun’s cock, heavy and hard for him. 

“You’re the beautiful one,” he murmured. “I fucking love you.” 

“Isn’t that my line?” Seung Hyun said, his voice strained. 

“This time it’s mine,” Junsu said, leaning his head forward until he could kiss Seung Hyun’s skin. He kissed the hard pec, delighted in the nipple there, sucking lightly on the skin, smiling wickedly against Seung Hyun as he felt a tremble run through him. Using his teeth, he bit down playfully on the nub, making Seung Hyun groan heavy and low in his throat. 

He couldn’t stop running his hands over Seung Hyun’s skin, feeling the softness under his fingertips, the muscles of his back, the bumps of his spine, the dip of his waist, the slight roundness of his ass. He pulled his mouth away from Seung Hyun’s nipple and looked up at him, wide-eyed and blinking. “I think I could spend hours just feeling you against me.” 

“Works for me,” Seung Hyun said, “but I thought you had other plans?” 

“Huh?” Junsu asked, his attention already back to Seung Hyun, leaning in to capture his other nipple in his mouth. 

Seung Hyun pressed his hips towards Junsu, bringing their cocks hard together causing Junsu to gasp and his eyes to roll at the deliciousness of it. 

“Oh, right,” Junsu said, “that.” 

“Yeah. That,” Seung Hyun said. 

Junsu’s eyes suddenly flew open as a thought came to him. “Shit!” 

“What?” Seung Hyun demanded, stopping his movement.

“I didn’t expect… I mean, I thought we had broken up. I don’t have anything with me.” 

“Oh.” Seung Hyun shrugged. 

“Oh?” Junsu asked. “I know you’re new at this, but that,” he rotated his own hips, “isn’t getting anywhere near my ass without lube. Lots of lube.” 

“Good thing I have some,” Seung Hyun said, leaning over and opening a drawer on the bedside table and pulling out a thin bottle of lube and a packet of condoms. 

“Thank god,” Junsu said, breathing out a sigh of relief as he pulled Seung Hyun down on top of him. “Kiss me.” 

Seung Hyun was happy to obey, leaning down and capturing Junsu’s lips, his tongue plundering deep. Junsu wrapped his legs around Seung Hyun’s waist, tilting his hips upwards, groaning as this brought their cocks into more direct contact. The wetness of their precome worked as lube, slipping them against each other, but Junsu wanted, and was ready for more. 

Breaking away, he grabbed the bottle of lube and popped the top. Pouring a generous amount into his palm, he smoothed it around his fingers, warming it up before nudging Seung Hyun over. Obediently, Seung Hyun lay on his back, watching as Seung Hyun straddled him, bracing one hand on his shoulder as his other reached back, circling the tight ring of muscles he found there, breathing becoming heavy again as he anticipated what was to come. Nudging carefully, he slipped a finger inside, trying to enjoy the moment, trying not to rush when all he wanted was for it to be Seung Hyun inside him, for it to be Seung Hyun’s cock there, hot and demanding. He bit his lip hard in anticipation. 

“What are you doing?” Seung Hyun asked. 

“It’s called prepping,” Junsu said, trying not to wince as he eased a second finger inside, the burn bringing him back to reality. He moved fingers inside, scissoring lightly until the slide became easier, his hips began to move as the tightness changed to pleasure. He moaned lightly, his fingers reaching further inside, searching, searching.

“Oh,” Seung Hyun said, “…can I help?” 

Junsu’s eyes snapped to his, surprised. “Umm… yes, please,” he said, the idea of Seung Hyun’s fingers inside him making his cock twitch and his breath catch. Slowly he eased his fingers out and fumbled for the the lube before pouring a dollop of it onto Seung Hyun’s waiting hand. “Warm it first,” he instructed. 

Seung Hyun obediently rubbed his fingers together, spreading the liquid over them before reaching down. He paused, looking searchingly at Junsu, waiting once again for approval, and Junsu dipped his head down and kissed him, nipping and biting at his lips before reaching for Seung Hyun’s wrist and leading it to his waiting hole. Seung Hyun tested the tight ring, feeling where Junsu had begun to loosen it before plunging two of his fingers inside. Junsu moaned heavily and arched against him. Encouraged, Seung Hyun began to move, stretching further and further inside. Soon, Junsu was writhing against the fingers, his hands gripping Seung Hyun’s shoulders hard in order to keep himself upright. 

“Another,” he pleaded.

A third finger worked its way against Junsu’s tight ring, moving softly until it was able to slip inside with the others. They both moaned as the three fingers moved together, stretching and rubbing. Suddenly, Seung Hyun’s fingers brushed something inside, and Junsu shot upright, arching hard backward, gasping Seung Hyun’s name as pleasure hit him.

“Okay?” he asked. 

“Prostate,” Junsu said panting.  “Better than okay. Again?” 

Seung Hyun started to move his fingers again, and cautiously, Junsu began to move, searching for that spot, for that feeling again. When Seung Hyun brushed it once more, Junsu shuddered, panting. “So good,” he whimpered. “So good.” 

With a swift movement that left him gasping, Seung Hyun pulled his fingers from Junsu’s ass and scrambled for the condom. “Junsu…” he said. 

“Yes,” was all he needed to say. 

Together, they ripped open the package and smoothed the condom down Seung Hyun’s length, poured a good amount of the lube over Seung Hyun and looked at the now half full bottle, and Junsu realized they were probably going to have to start buying this stuff by the case if this was at least half as successful as the prep. 

He rubbed the lube onto Seung Hyun’s cock, grasping him firmly in his hand, and jerking him in several movements which made Seung Hyun groan harshly against his shoulder. “Fuck, Junsu.” 

“That’s the plan,” Junsu laughed. 

He scooted forward until he was fully straddling Seung Hyun’s lap and lined up his cock to him. Slowly, he sank downwards, wincing just a bit as he went too fast, realizing that there was a difference between fingers and cocks, no matter how many you prepped with. Seung Hyun noticed the wince and pulled Junsu’s face towards him, kissing him, their tongues meeting each other, distracting Junsu from the burn, his fingers playing lightly with Junsu’s cock, until he was hot again, ready.

Slower this time, Junsu circled his hips, rolling his body to a far off rhythm, working Seung Hyun’s heavy cock inside him, gasping as each movement brought them closer together. Seung Hyun’s arms circled him, encouraging, warming. Finally, he felt Seung Hyun’s balls against his ass and realized he’d managed to get him all inside. He ducked his head onto Seung Hyun’s shoulder for a moment, resting, relishing in the feeling of Seung Hyun hard inside him. Seung Hyun’s hands soothed, rubbing against his back, letting him take the time he needed. 

“Okay, baby?” he whispered.

“Yeah,” he said, “you just, you just feel so good.” 

“Not as good as you do, baby,” Seung Hyun said against his ear. 

Testing, Junsu shifted his hips and groaned as he felt Seung Hyun slide through him, sparks of pleasure rumbled through his stomach, burning through his body, and he began to move now with a purpose. He felt the sweat drip down his forehead, felt the small of his back moisten with the effort. 

Seung Hyun’s hand slipped down his back and settled on his hips, leading Junsu, guiding him as he now ground himself down onto Seung Hyun’s cock. He cried out as it rubbed up against the his prostate again, making his toes curl in pleasure. His fingers bit into Seung Hyun’s skin as he rode him, harder and faster, their bodies slick and hot. 

Tipping them backward, Seung Hyun rolled until he was once again on top of Junsu, the weight of him, burying him deeper inside, causing them both to groan. Testing, he rolled his hips, thrusting lightly into Junsu. Junsu bit his lip against the pleasure and arched his head backward. Seung Hyun thrust again, trying a little harder, a little deeper this time and Junsu moaned. 

“Harder,” he gasped, running his thighs against Seung Hyun’s hips. “Harder.” 

Emboldened, Seung Hyun slid his arm under Junsu’s thighs and lifted him hard against him, the angle allowing him to go deeper, allowing him to rub directly against Junsu’s prostate. Junsu shuddered hard, pleading, begging, for Seung Hyun to do it again until he could no longer form words, until he just moaned desperately. Setting a rhythm, Seung Hyun crashed his hips against Junsu’s, the slide tight and hot. Tears slipped down Junsu’s face as he frantically tried to pull Seung Hyun in harder, and deeper. 

He felt his orgasm begin to build deep inside him, the lightning that burned through his system getting stronger and stronger until he was sure it was going to take over him. He whined out Seung Hyun’s name, needing more. Seung Hyun must have known, and he slipped his hand around Junsu’s thigh and grasped his aching cock, hard in his palm, and tugged. The friction on his cock had been exactly what he hadn’t known he was looking for, and he arched blindly, shouting out as his orgasm crashed over him, bright and white, his cock spraying come over his stomach. 

Seung Hyun groaned and began to thrust harder, close to his own end. The sensation was almost too much for the now overstimulated Junsu, but he wanted, needed, Seung Hyun to finish inside him. Using the last of his strength, he rolled his hips against Seung Hyun, and that was all he needed, coming inside Junsu with a hoarse shout before limply collapsing on top of him. Junsu relished in the weight of him. Of the lazy feeling that seeped into his bones. Barely able to think or to move, he stroked Seung Hyun, patted his skin, kissing his shoulder absently, humming in happiness. Seung Hyun slipped himself slowly out of him, and Junsu let out a light whine, not wanting to be separated from him. 

Seung Hyun made a move to untangle himself from Junsu, to shimmy off the bed, but Junsu whined again and wrapped his arms harder around him. 

“I need to get a washcloth,” Seung Hyun said.

“Don’t leave.” Junsu whispered biting lightly at Seung Hyun’s neck. 

“You’re covered in cum and lube.” Seung Hyun said, shifting his fingers through Junsu’s sweaty bangs. “You’re going to be gross soon.” 

“Don’t care.” 

“Baby,” Seung Hyun said. “You’ll care soon.” 

“Just a little while longer,” Junsu said, the need in his voice clear. “Just a little longer.” 

Finally Seung Hyun gave in to him and shifted, slipping to Junsu’s side, pulling him tight into his arms. Pleased, Junsu closed his eyes and allowed himself to be maneuvered, and tucked feeling loved and cared for. Though he wanted to lay there awake, fought sleep with everything he had in him, not wanting to miss a single moment of this, the warmth and happiness settled over his tired body, drifting him off to sleep. He kissed Seung Hyun’s shoulder again then, unable to do anything more, closed his eyes, and fell asleep barely feeling the kiss Seung Hyun laid on his sweat-soaked forehead. 

 


	57. Slow, Easy Mornings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mornings after are for quiet reflections. Mornings after are for plans for the future. Mornings after are just the start to the day.

Junsu’s eyes drifted open, realizing they had forgotten to close the curtains the night before as the bright, spring, morning sun poured in through the windows of Seung Hyun’s room. The room was chilly, and he pulled the heavy comforter up around his shoulders, realizing Seung Hyun must have brought it from the other room while he slept. Passed out? Sexed out?

Biting his lip to hold back the giggle, he snuggled closer to the warmth Seung Hyun’s side, breathing in the warm, sleepy scent of him, languorously stretching his deliciously aching and tired body. He slid his arm over Seung Hyun’s chest, feeling the slip of silk against his skin, realizing that when Seung Hyun had retrieved the comforter, he must have put on a pair of pajamas, buttoning them right up to the top. With a sigh he fiddled with the top button, resenting the barrier between them. 

Baby steps, he reminded himself. Baby steps. 

Of course, with that slide of silk against him, he also realized Seung Hyun hadn’t bothered putting Junsu in anything, and he’d spent the night sleeping nude against him. The way Seung Hyun grasped his ass, even in sleep, keeping him tightly against him, made him realize it probably wasn’t an oversight on his part. While Junsu was fine with his body, he wasn’t really the type of person to sleep in the nude, and he blushed a bit at the wantonness of it, especially with the way the silk Seung Hyun wore slipped and rubbed against his skin, making him shiver. Unable to resist, he wriggled closer, sliding his thigh over Seung Hyun’s, bringing his morning hardness, made embarrassingly harder by his morning explorations, in direct contact with Seung Hyun’s hip. Biting his lip even harder, he couldn’t help but shift his hips against him again, shuddering lightly. 

“You’re awfully wiggly this morning,” Seung Hyun said. Junsu’s cheeks got even pinker, mortified he’d been caught grinding against his sleeping boyfriend.

“Sorry?” he said. 

As an answer, Seung Hyun’s hand on his ass pulled him closer, pulled him hard against his hip, and Junsu bit back a moan, his eyes fluttering, concentrating on the feeling of them together, of the solid firmness of his hip, the cool silky feel of the fabric against him. Junsu started to breath harder, wrapping his leg around Seung Hyun’s hip, trying to get even closer, to get the angle just right. Seung Hyun’s hand kneaded his ass cheek, running his fingers over the rounded flesh, feeling, exploring, laying claim. 

Junsu sighed, shifting his hips closer and closer, circling his hips, grasping a handful of silk nightshirt in his fist, pulling it towards him, pulling Seung Hyun closer. Seung Hyun’s fingers dipped into his ass, brushing lightly over Junsu’s still sensitive hole. He trembled, holding his breath, waiting. After last night, he wasn’t sure if he could go again and then perform tonight without looking like he’d had something up his ass all night, but he wasn’t sure if he had it in him to turn away from something they both wanted. 

But Seung Hyun must have known that he was a little sore, and after simply teasingly circling him there a few times he pulled away, but before Junsu could whine a protest, Seung Hyun reached down between them, between his hip and Junsu’s hard cock and grasped him, full and sure in his hand. Junsu thrust lightly into his grip, pulling tighter on him, his breath coming out in tiny breaths and whimpers. Seung Hyun, tugging the hard flesh, rubbing the moisture already beginning to collect there, spreading it over and around the top of the head, circling lightly, running his fingertips into the sensitive slit he found there. With a cry, Junsu came in Seung Hyun’s hand, his toes curling with the gentle, morning orgasm. 

When he came back down, he ducked his head against Seung Hyun’s shoulder in embarrassment. “I’m so sorry,” he said, his voice muffled in pajamas.

“Sorry?” Seung Hyun asked, his voice even deeper and grumbly from sleep. 

“For rubbing all up against you while you’re sleeping like some big creeper,” he wailed. 

“Fuck that,” Seung Hyun said. “That was the sexiest alarm clock I’ve ever had. Go ahead and creep.” 

Junsu peeked one eye out from Seung Hyun’s shoulder, studying his boyfriend. “You sure?” he asked. 

“Junsu. Feel free to creep up on me every morning. Or night.” He thought about it for a moment. “Or mid-afternoon.” 

Seung Hyun reached over to the nightstand, grabbed a box of tissues and wiped off his hand clean before doing the same for Junsu then tossing the whole thing over the side of the bed. Junsu made a mental note to remember to clean that up before Seung Hyun forgot about it and the ahjumma who cleaned his house made an embarrassing discovery. But until then…

Junsu shimmied, shifting himself until he laid on top of Seung Hyun his head propped up on his hands, enjoying the feel of him beneath him, enjoying just being there, watching him. He studied that face that was so dear — those wicked eyebrows, that narrow nose, the quirky grin. 

“I never, ever-ever, believed we’d end up like this,” Junsu said. 

“You seemed pretty sure of yourself there,” Seung Hyun said. “With the exception of the last couple of weeks, it seemed like you had a plan for me, and there was nothing I could do to escape.” 

“Did you want to?” Junsu asked. 

“Of course… OUCH!” He winced as Junsu pinched his nipple hard. “What? You scared the shit out of me.” 

“Then how did we get here?” Junsu asked. Yes, he may have pushed and pushed until he pushed away, but there was still part of him that kept thinking that this was just some amazing dream that he was going to wake up from at any moment, tired and sad. 

“You wooed me. Got under my skin until I’m more scared at the thought of being without you than anything else.” 

Junsu went melty inside — like from a solid bar of chocolate to an ooey gooey mess you had to lick off the packaging. If this was a dream, he had no plans of ever waking up again. Seung Hyun was his, and even if he tried to run or to be sad about their relationship, Junsu would make sure he’d be right there to lure him back in. 

“Good,” he said satisfied, “so we’re boyfriends again.” 

“News flash. We never weren’t.” 

The look of surety in Seung Hyun’s eyes was the last thing that Junsu needed to get some of the same back. He stretched up and lightly kissed Seung Hyun on the lips before resting back down again. 

“That’s it?” Seung Hyun asked, wriggling his oversexed eyebrow. 

“No tongue kissing until we brush our teeth,” Junsu said primly. He laid his head down over Seung Hyun’s heart and listen to it beating strong and steady beneath his ear. 

“I just got you off, and you won’t even kiss me?” 

“My dick didn’t taste like morning breath,” Junsu said. “Shhh… I’m listening.” 

“I’m more interesting,” Seung Hyun said in an almost whine. “Pay attention to me.”

Junsu just snuggled in tighter, wedging his hands under Seung Hyun until the Seung Hyun burrito was complete. “Your heart is speaking to me.” 

“What’s it saying?” Seung Hyun asked, bringing his hands up to rub at the small of Junsu’s back.

“If you’d be quiet for a second, I’d find out.” 

He lay there, the room quiet, the only sound was the sound of their breathing and the thump of Seung Hyun’s heart. “Oh. I got it now,” he said. 

“And?” 

“Now, I’m not quite an expert yet in translating Seung Hyun heart, so you’ll have to bear with me, but I think it’s saying… yep… it’s saying, ‘I love Kim Junsu.’” 

“It does, does it?” Seung Hyun laughed. 

“And then, possibly, something about wanting some cake.” 

“Huh. That last part doesn’t really sound like me.” 

“Well. It’s a loose interpretation. As I said, I’m still not an expert.” 

“You got the first part right,” Seung Hyun whispered, and Junsu grinned up at him. Ducking his head, Seung Hyun tried to capture Junsu’s lips, but catching his intention, Junsu dodged to the left, until Seung Hyun’s lips landed on his cheek. 

“Toothbrush.” 

“We’ve kissed in the morning before, Junsu. Remember Jeju?” 

“I’d rather forget Jeju.” Junsu shuddered, remembering, still haunted by how terrible that trip was, how it had kicked off the whole mess they’d just worked their way out of, of the things he still had to deal with. Everything had worked out with Seung Hyun. He was so lucky, so lucky everything seemed to be going his way. He was afraid he wouldn’t be that lucky with his mother, with his family, because he was beginning to realize that they’d never had the great relationship he’d thought they had, that his family leaned on him, expected so much from him. Expectations he had a sneaky suspicion he’d never be able to keep up — gay or straight. Though all those things he was beginning to realize were true, that didn’t mean he didn’t feel a gaping hole where his family once was in his heart. That he didn’t hope with all of his heart that they’d be able to get past this and be a family again. 

He wondered if there was any way he could manage to keep Seung Hyun and still be a member of his family. 

“Jeju wasn’t all bad, baby,” Seung Hyun’s voice reached in and shook Junsu out of his thoughts. He stroked his hands down Junsu’s back, strong and sure. “Anytime we can manage to be together can’t be all bad.” 

There, in the security of Seung Hyun’s arms, Junsu finally allowed himself to remember those good times, the night at Jiyong’s pension, Seung Hyun singing to him under the stars. Of them alone in the sauna, trying to dry Seung Hyun out. Of Seung Hyun being there for him. Not running away, but being the one there — a solid rock for him to cling to — steadying him after dinner with his family. 

And then of course of the morning after…

Junsu smiled. “You’re right. Jeju wasn’t all bad.”

“We’ll go back someday. Have a real vacation.” 

Junsu thought about it for a moment before shaking his head. “No. I want to go somewhere where no one knows us. No family. No friends. No fans. Just you and me.”

“Works for me.” 

Relenting, Junsu leaned up and brushed their lips together, slowly exploring Seung Hyun’s lips, Seung Hyun’s smile, with his own before pulling reluctantly away. “And that, sir, really is all you’ll get until teeth meet toothbrush.” 

He snuggled back down, pulling the comforter high around his shoulders, right up to his neck, tucking it firmly around him and Seung Hyun. 

“What’s your schedule like today?” Seung Hyun asked. 

“Pretty full,” Junsu sighed. “Since we were apart I’ve had them pack it with everything they could sign me up for."

Seung Hyun’s arms tightened around him. “Unpack it. I cleared my day. Stay with me.” 

Oh, how he wanted to. He ran through his brain over the items on his to-do list for the day, mentally sorting and prioritizing. 

“If I call my manager as soon as possible, I can probably give you until two? I have a performance tonight, and I can’t miss it,” he said mournfully as, though he loved performing — loved playing L — really, he was right where he wanted to stay. 

“I’ll take it,” Seung Hyun said before, with a grunt, turning them both to the side, flipping a whining Junsu off him and untangling their limbs. “Go make your call. And while you’re at it, get me another ticket for tonight.”

Grumbling, Junsu sat up, dragging the comforter with him as the spring air was still chilly. “Another?” 

“Yeah. I went last night, but — for reasons we’ve already discussed — didn’t really pay attention.” 

“You came to my show?” Junsu asked all soft and gooey again. He was going to have to get that under control if he had any chance of surviving this relationship. 

“Of course I did, I wanted to see you,” Seung Hyun said simply. He climbed out of bed, slipped on his slippers, and then, with a grimace bent down and picked up the used tissues and tossed them in the wastebasket. “But now I want to see you again. Actually — get me two tickets. Hye Youn wants to come.” 

“Your sister?” he asked. 

Seung Hyun ducked his head, pausing, before looking Junsu in the eye. “I told her about us. I’m sorry if you’re upset, but I was, well I was upset, and she was there, and I just needed to tell her.” 

Junsu held his breath, scared. Scared for what this meant for Seung Hyun. But proud, so proud that Seung Hyun thought he was important enough to tell his family about. “Is it… was she okay?” he asked, hesitantly.

“Well. She’s pissed I got to you first, but besides that, she’s fine.” 

“She’s fine?” Junsu asked in disbelief. “How can she be fine? Are you sure you told her right?” 

“What do you mean 'tell her right'? Is there a wrong way?” 

“Maybe she thinks we’re friends? Like good friends? Maybe she doesn’t realize…”

“That I regularly plan on sticking my dick up your—” Seung Hyun looked at him with a raised eyebrow of incredulity. 

“SEUNG HYUN!” Junsu grabbed a pillow from behind him and chucked it at Seung Hyun. “I mean. Maybe she doesn’t realize. I mean, how can she just be okay with you being… with me?” 

“She’s my sister. She loves me. Probably as much as she loves you.” He shuddered. “Which is… weird. But she wants us to be happy.” 

Junsu’s mind whirled, trying to wrap his brain around the situation. “I don’t understand.” 

Seung Hyun circled the bed and sat next to Junsu, wrapping his arms around him. “Baby. We both have people in our lives who we’ve told and it’s been perfectly fine. Jiyong. Jaejoong. Yoochun. My sister just happens to be one of them.” 

They sat there for a while, Seung Hyun’s arms wrapped around Junsu, Junsu leaning into the embrace, quietly thinking about what Seung Hyun said, what it meant for them, for their future. While he was happy, more than happy, over the moon happy, that Seung Hyun’s sister accepted him, accepted them, he still couldn’t help but be a little jealous that it wasn’t the same with his family. But Seung Hyun was right. Many of the people who meant something to them, the families they’d made for themselves, those were the people who knew and understood. And love them anyway. 

“Seung Hyun?” Junsu asked. 

“Yes?” 

“I’m hungry.” 

 

**********

 

While Seung Hyun heated up the food from the night before — the food that he’d apparently had the energy after they’d have sex last night to put away when he was out in the living room getting the comforter — Junsu called his manager to clear what he could from his schedule, rolling his eyes when the man whispered his concerns, wondering if Junsu was okay and then whined about the money they would be throwing away by moving the schedule. He was so over-dramatic — and besides, Junsu didn’t care. He’d throw away a huge chunk of his money to have this time with Seung Hyun. 

Also, despite Seung Hyun’s protests, Junsu ducked into Seung Hyun’s closet and pulled out a pair of jogging pants and a sweater that was so big it hung wide over his neck and the sleeves fell lightly over his hands. Comfy clothes for a comfy at home day with his boyfriend.  

Fully clothed, he joined Seung Hyun in the kitchen as Seung Hyun busied himself with breakfast. He winced as he sat down on the hard kitchen stool, trying to hide the movement from Seung Hyun. 

“Sore?” Seung Hyun asked, setting the plates of reheated food in front of them then reaching into the cupboard and pulling out a couple of tablets of pain medicine. 

Junsu blushed a bit before just deciding to go with it. He batted his eyelashes. “All thanks to you, Mr Big Bang.” 

Seung Hyun cringed. “Ew, Junsu, ew.” 

He licked his lips. “Not what you were saying last night.” 

He easily dodged the napkin Seung Hyun launched at his head with a giggle. “I’m good. A little sore, but good.” 

“Do you think we could…” now it was Seung Hyun’s turn to blush, “do it again? I mean later. You know. When you’re not so sore.” 

This time Junsu could not hold in his laughter. “There are sometimes Seung Hyun-ah, sometimes where you come off as this dark and sexy god, and then others? You’re such an awkward duck. Of course, we’re going to do it again. And again and again. We’re way too good at it not to.” 

“We were pretty good,” Seung Hyun said boastfully. He dipped his chopsticks into his food, swirling around the dark noodles, not eating, just swirling, the squishy noises not doing much for Junsu’s appetite. Junsu watched him closely. He could almost see the thoughts whirling around in Seung Hyun’s head, and he put his chopsticks down and just sat there, giving Seung Hyun time for whatever it was, waiting for that busy brain of his to come in for a landing. 

“Hey, Junsu,” Seung Hyun finally said, his voice quiet. “I’ve been thinking.” 

“About what?” 

“About… you’re staying at Jaejoong’s now, right?” he asked. 

Junsu sighed and propped his head up on his fist. “Yeah. My mom sold my place, and all of the buildings I own are rented out. I was gonna go looking for a place, but I just haven’t had the time.” 

The stirring of the noodles in Seung Hyun’s bowl began to go at a faster pace, swirling around and around. “I was thinking maybe you want to… maybe you want to move in here?”

Junsu’s eyes snapped up from the mess Seung Hyun was making of his bowl of noodles to look at Seung Hyun. “What?” he asked, fairly certain he’d heard wrong. 

“Here. Move in here. With me.” 

“What?” he asked again. 

“Or, if you don’t like my place, we could go and get one we both liked. Together.”

“You want to live with me?” Junsu asked slowly, trying to make sure he understood what Seung Hyun was saying. 

“Yes?”

“I thought you wanted to focus on dating?” Junsu asked. 

“I just,” he put the chopsticks down and turned in the stool to face Junsu, his eyes earnest and sure. “I want to be with you, Junsu. Whenever we can. Unfortunately, because of our schedules, that’s not going to be a lot, but I thought, if we lived together, it would be easier to see each other.” 

“You want to live with me because it’ll be easier to date then?” Junsu asked, his confusion now tinged with irritation. “That doesn’t sound super romantic, Seung Hyun-ah. Live with me and beat Seoul traffic.” 

“You know I didn’t mean it that way,” frustrated, Seung Hyun shoved a hand through his already wildly messy hair. “I want to live with you because I love you. I love you, Junsu and I want to spend every, single, fucking moment I can with you. You don’t have a place to live. I want you to live here. With me.” 

Junsu thought about it for a moment. “I have cats,” he warned. “Lots of cats. And you basically live in a museum.” 

“That’s fine,” Seung Hyun said. “As much as it will hurt my soul, we’ll go buy a regular couch. That’s how much I want you to live here. I will live with ugly furniture.” 

Junsu bit back his smile and edged off his own stool, inching closer and closer to Seung Hyun. Realizing that just when he thought he couldn’t be any happier, there was Seung Hyun, surprising him again. He leaned in, sliding himself in between Seung Hyun’s thighs, sliding his hands up and around his neck. 

“You know, Seung Hyun-ah,” he whispered, allowing a wicked Xia Junsu grin to form. “There are other reasons to buy ugly furniture.” 

Seung Hyun gulped so hard Junsu could actually hear it, which only made Junsu’s smile broaden. “There are?” 

Junsu cocked his head and allowed his smile to turn into a smirk — oh the future he was going to have with this man. 

He leaned in and kissed Seung Hyun on the underside of his chin. “Ugly furniture?” He inched his way to Seung Hyun’s ear, sucking, nibbling on his lobe until he felt Seung Hyun shudder beneath him. “Doesn’t matter if it gets stained. You could fuck me right there on that ugly couch and not have to worry about… what gets on it.” 

Seung Hyun threw his head back and laughed, pulling Junsu tighter against him. “So you’re going to move in? Live with me? You and all your million cats?” 

“Six.” Junsu grinned. “But yes, we’ll live with you.” 

“Then maybe, someday, we’ll get married?” 

And there went that melty heart again. “Then, someday, we’ll get married.” 

“Then we’ll have some kids?” 

Junsu blinked back the tears that had somehow found their way to his eyes. “Then we’ll have some kids.” 

Seung Hyun smiled again. “And you’ll let me fuck you on that new, ugly couch?” 

“I look forward to it. To all of it,” Junsu said. 


	58. And Then There Was One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All stories must have a beginning and not all stories begin where you think they do.

**Prologue**

**December 2008**

 

“I don’t see why we have our pictures taken with these jokers,” Yoochun bitched. Yoochun was tired, Junsu could tell, he was always at his bitchiest right before they forced him, as a group, to take a nap.

“BigBang aren't jokers, they’ve been around for two years and are starting to get pretty popular,” Changmin said.

Junsu tuned both of them out, the movements of the nanny van rocking him into a lull that, if he tried really hard, could turn into an actual nap of his own. Naps were good. Naps were what kept him going nowadays. He closed his eyes tighter and leaned his head against the cold glass of the van window. Jet-lag was a real and vicious thing that seemed to be personally out to take Junsu down.

“They’re jokes,” Yoochun said. “They were formed on a fucking tv show.”

“They weren't formed on a TV show, they debuted on a tv show — besides it’s not like we were formed any differently,” Changmin said, Changmin who apparently had made it his mission to rile Yoochun up today — or most days.

He thought about putting his headphones on to block out the sound of his bandmates bickering, but then remembered he still couldn’t find them, fairly certain he’d left the expensive, noise canceling, made music sound even more super awesome headphones on the plane. Darn it. He wasn’t sure when he’d be able to replace them. Not sure where they’d be in one place long enough to have something shipped to him, and fairly certain it was going to be a while before they were going to be back at the dorms.

With a sigh, he turned in his seat, resting his head on the seat rest, swinging his legs up to lay them across Jaejoong’s lap.

“Sleepy baby?” Jaejoong crooned. Jaejoong who seemed to never be affected by jet lag, Jaejoong who needed the least amount of sleep out of all of them to function.

Junsu simply nodded, rubbing his head against the fuzzy fabric of the headrest. Jaejoong began massaging his aching calves, his fingers working on the muscles, sore from a dance practice session Junsu had pushed himself through until Jaejoong and Yoochun had forcefully removed himself from the night before.

“You have the dance down, Duckbutt. Don’t push yourself so hard,” Jaejoong whispered so the others couldn’t hear.

But Junsu knew, he saw the flaws, he knew he had to work hard, harder than the rest to make sure he kept up, to make sure he was just as good as the rest of them. He had a lot riding on this, and he needed to make it work. He couldn’t see himself doing anything else but perform music, being a part of that world. He had plans. Big plans. He wanted to be able to do his own solo work. He wanted to be able to take a break and maybe do a musical. Wanted to be able to take care of his family, to pay them back for everything that they’d done for him, but that would only happen if he worked hard. Would only happen if he made himself, TVXQ, even better, even more perfect. So that then maybe SM would allow him to grow in his career.

“Where are we going again?” he whispered, not wanting the others to know he wasn’t sure where they actually were, or what was on their schedule next. It wasn’t his fault! They were so busy after a while everything seemed to look the same, everything blended from one event, one city to another. It all was just a blur, just means to an end.

“Photoshoot for the SBS Gayo Daejun Special Stage,” Jaejoong whispered back. “With BigBang.”

Junsu shrugged his shoulders, he’d heard BigBang on the radio before. If he remembered correctly, they’d probably seen each other at some of the award shows, but as TVXQ was the bigger name, were the seniors, and SM frowned on their artists mixing with people from other management companies, they hadn’t really mingled much.

The van pulled into the parking lot of the SBS studio, pulling right up next to a crowd of fans holding signs for TVXQ, signs that had their faces on them, proclaiming their love for each of the members. Junsu sighed, knowing someone had to have tipped them off that they’d be here today. Since Yunho’s run-in with the anti-fan two years ago that had almost claimed his life, Junsu had a hard time looking at fans the same way since. He knew not everyone was like that girl, but the hard part was that they all kind of looked the same in a crowd. It made him love his fans but be scared of them at the same time.

But he had a job to do and goals to meet so he put on his #3 Xiah Junsu smile and waited his turn to climb out of the van. Another nanny van pulled up behind them and he realized it must be BigBang.

He hopped out of the car and, smiling brightly, waved to the fans, shouting hellos to everyone he passed, their security team creating a pathway through the throng for them to cross safely to the door. Focused on getting through, he didn’t give BigBang a glance, or even a thought, it was just wave to the crowd, smile cutely, throw out heart hands, and make it to the door.

Once they were through, they were hurried off to hair and makeup, PA’s explaining the concept, showing them the costumes they’d wear. TVXQ had one dressing room and as BigBang wasn’t with them, Junsu assumed they were hurried off to their own room, probably getting the same treatment.

He approved of the black suit with it’s accented red bow tie. They’d worn a lot of crazy outfits in the five years of their debut, and he realized you could never expect what they’d be dressed in from day to day. Studying himself in the mirror, he realized the thing just have been cut for him directly because it fit like a glove. He turned this way and that, trying to see himself from each angle.

“Yes, your butt looks great, Junsu.” Yoochun joked, smacking said behind. “Now if you’re done preening, we have a photo shoot to do.”

“Is BigBang ready?”

“Who cares?” Yoochun grumbled, tugging on Junsu’s arm. “We’re the real stars here.”

Junsu tried to keep the chuckle Yoochun’s super competitive spirit brought on. He may seem super suave and cool to outsiders, but from inside the band, he was competitive, petty and super protective — just how they loved him.

He allowed himself to be dragged out of the dressing room and down a series of hallways to where the studio where the photoshoot was going to happen a big empty room filled with just a series of large make-shift blocks turned into a set of stairs. The rest of TVXQ milled around the room and Junsu wondered — a little embarrassed — just how long he’d spaced out in front of the mirror?

“I found him!” Yoochun announced to the room. Looking around the space, he realized that not only was he the last member of TVXQ to arrive, if the other men in the room wearing matching suits were any indication, all of BigBang had made it there before him.

Everyone turned to look at him and Junsu’s twinge of embarrassment, turned to full on, cheek pinkening mortification. He bowed politely to the room, apologizing for his lateness.

Thankfully, quickly everyone turned away from him, settling back into whatever they were doing before he arrived. He noticed at the side of the room there was a spread of snacks and drinks, his stomach growled in response. Junsu was pretty sure he’d had breakfast that morning, but if pressed, he wouldn’t swear it had happened. Seeing members of both his band and BigBang milling around the table, he hurried over, pouring himself a coffee from the carafe, sipping deeply, willing the caffeine to speed into his system. Looking through the options laid out in front of him he grabbed a package of kimbap, he bit gratefully into it. It was delicious, filled with warm rice and vegetables. He swallowed and bit off another chunk, realizing this was probably the healthiest thing he’d put into his system for a while.

More interested in his food than joining the other conversations, Junsu turned away from the table, happily munching away, and scanned the room. Directors, PA’s, and random higher ups buzzed around the room as was the norm, making them be there and ready at a certain time, when they themselves were never actually on time.

He waved at Yunho, who was talking to some guy in glasses and a fedora. Now he looked cool, Junsu thought. If he tried to remember, he would say the guy's name was G-Dragon, the leader of BigBang. Junsu realized he should probably go and introduce himself, but figured it could wait until after he finished eating — make sure there was no rice in his teeth before trying to make new friends.

The room buzzed loudly with excited chatter from staff and the band members making nice with each other. Junsu continued his perusal of the room as he finished up his kimbap. Which was when he stopped mid-chew. There was a man, sitting away from the crowd, sitting on the floor, his back to the wall, long legs crossed in front of him, big headphones on his head, over hair gelled into some sort of faux-hawk, nodding in time to whatever beat was flowing through them. He bent low over a beaten looking notebook, his pencil hurrying over the paper.

Junsu swallowed hard. The last of his rice going down the wrong way, choking him, making him cough, as he tried to get air back into his lungs. The man, whoever he was, looked up at him, his eyes slightly unfocused, before cocking his head at Junsu, lifting a single sculpted eyebrow. He was beautiful.

His cheeks pink, Junsu quickly ducked his head, breaking the connection. He did not find random idols attractive. He did not find random male idols attractive. He swore to himself he'd never, ever be attracted to another idol. He’d known he’d have to hide that part of him, tuck it away as if it didn’t exist if he planned on making it in this business if he had any chance of making his dreams come true. For the most part, he hadn’t had any problems hiding his sexuality away from the world.

He peeked a look through his lashes at the man in the corner. The man who’d bent back down to whatever it was he was working on, whatever it was he found more important than this photoshoot.

“Don’t mind T.O.P,” a distinctive voice murmured into his ear. Junsu jumped and spun around, embarrassed to have been caught staring, by being caught unawares. The man with the glasses and fedora stood by his side, munching on a handful of grapes, a conspiratorial grin on his face.

“T.O.P?” the words slipped out before he’d realized he was speaking. Wincing he bit his lip before any other words accidentally escaped.

“My hyung. T.O.P.” the man nodded his head towards the man in the corner. “I tell him he needs to be more social at these things, but there he sits.”

“And you’re...GDragon, right?” Junsu asked then realized just how rude it was to announce that he had no idea who the members of BigBang were.

“Yeah. Ji Yong. And you’re Junsu, right? Xiah Junsu?”

Junsu, manners fully back in place smiled and bowed to him. “Kim Junsu, nice to meet you.”

Unable to resist, Junsu turned back to the band member in the corner...to T.O.P, unaccountably fascinated by the man. “What’s he doing over there?” Junsu asked.

“Working on a song.” Ji Yong said. “He likes to work on his own stuff whenever he can.”

“You’re allowed to do solo music?” Junsu asked, surprised. It was one of his biggest dreams, to be able to put out his own music. He loved his group, TVXQ, they were his brothers, but the idea of being able to sing the songs he himself wanted to sing? It almost seemed unreachable.

“Nah.” Ji Yong said, popping another grape into his mouth. “But he still works at it. We hope someday.”

Junsu couldn’t stop watching this man, T.O.P. He wished he were brave enough to go over there and find out what he was working on. To be able to talk about music and their hopes for the future.

 _Well, that sounded dumb_ , Junsu thought.

He was jolted out of his troubling thoughts by the booming voice of the PD announcing they were ready to start taking photos. Hair and makeup buzzed around the room, hairspray and blotting clothes flying, making sure everyone still looked perfect. Junsu tried to pay attention, tried to focus on what was going on, but all he could do was watch the man in the corner, the man who only got up after being prodded by a manager. He watched as T.O.P carefully tucked his notebook and headphones into the backpack sitting next to him, zipping it closed tightly — as if something precious lay inside.

Junsu made his way to the big gold stair-blocks, waiting for them to tell him where he was expected to sit. It looked as though they were pairing off BigBang members with DBSK members and Junsu desperately wished to be paired up with the mysterious T.O.P. Please, he begged silently. Please, if I can just sit next to T.O.P, I’ll be so nice to fans. I’ll eat all my vegetables. I’ll stop hiding Yoochun’s underwear in the freezer.

Unfortunately, the gods apparently hated him, and he was directed to sit next to a guy in sunglasses and a big grin. Taeyang, he thought he heard the assistant say.

Pasting a smile on his face, Junsu walked up to the block and stepped up on it. Apparently, though, the block was not secure to the floor and it shifted slightly under his weight and he tipped backward. Sure he was going to fall, he winced bracing for impact.

But he didn’t fall.

Instead, a strong pair of hands caught him from behind and propped him upright. He didn’t have to look to know who it was and he was simultaneously mortified for his clumsiness and excited as he could feel the warmth of those hands through the jacket he wore, his skin tingling where they touched.

“You okay?” the voice behind him asked and this time Junsu did shudder, the voice low and husky like sandpaper running over his skin. Gulping he nodded and bolted forward, away from him, and towards the safety of his place in the shoot as the rest of the group teased him.

T.O.P, he thought, rolling the name over his tongue. T.O.P. T.O.P the lead rapper for BigBang. T.O.P who was disturbingly beautiful and irritatingly tall. T.O.P who apparently had the same drive he, the need to strive for more, to chase after their real goals. T.O.P who loved music as much as he did.

He sneaked a look at the man who was sitting across from him on the same level step, one leg casually, yet elegantly crossed over the other, chatting with Yunho. Throughout the shoot, they moved people closer, moved members around. Junsu hoped, each time that he’d be sat next to T.O.P, that maybe he’d have a chance to introduce himself, that maybe they could talk about whatever it was that the star was working on, maybe he could tell him about his own music too. Desperately he wanted to find a way to be friends with this man.

Friends. Right.

He tried to tamp down that inner part of him, the one finally waking up, sitting there saying, “Hellooo there, handsome.” This was not the time for that. He had things to do and outing himself as gay to a man he was sure probably wasn’t, who would probably cringe... or worse if Junsu were brave enough to even broached the subject, was seriously not on that list.

But still.

Junsu allowed himself to watch him. Told himself that was okay. There was no harm in just looking, right? No harm in just sitting there, for this single moment, thinking about things that wouldn’t.... couldn’t be. Allowed himself, just for this moment, to imagine what it would be like to be T.O.P’s boyfriend.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys. Seriously. Guys. I can't believe it's finally done. That after 200 THOUSAND words, this story is actually complete. If you made it this far, I thank, thank, thank you from the bottom of my Topsu loving heart for reading, for sticking with me for this long. I really hope you like the ending, where I decided to end it. I'm really not sure what I'll do with myself now...except catch up on Infectious... my writing partner on that story has been very understanding while I came to the end of TOPSU. I'm sure I'll write another story as, now that I've started writing again, I'm not sure that I can stop. Will it be a T.O.P and Junsu story? Probably not, as I just can't picture them in any other way than how I have. However, I'm sure this isn't the last I've seen of my boy as, after taking up two years of my life, I'm sure I won't be able to leave them alone and will pop in with some gooey future drabbles. (Also, possibly toying with a Ji Yong story within the same world...he was so cool it kinda gives a girl ideas...)
> 
> Shout out to Cherry Cordial for being a stalwart editor. 
> 
> Again, thanks so much for reading!


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